s/o parents paying for college

[Night Elf]

Just out of curosity, if you firmly believe your child will have no choice but to attend college, how will you force a child to attend if they don't want to go? What are the consequences of the child choosing to go straight into the workforce rather than go to college? If you care to share.

[LidiyaDawn]

Why would anyone want to order an adult to pursue a specific lifestyle? I don't understand that… we're not talking about "making" a 12 year old do her seventh grade schoolwork.. these are graduates, adults. People with their OWN life ahead of them, their OWN choices.

 

[i don't see how you could force them anyway]

[Ria]

Just out of curosity, if you firmly believe your child will have no choice but to attend college, how will you force a child to attend if they don't want to go? What are the consequences of the child choosing to go straight into the workforce rather than go to college? If you care to share.

 

Does anyone actually do that? Egads. I can't imagine.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, I doubt that will be my children because they are very academically minded and not very "work minded". If they have a decent plan for their life, then I guess I would be supportive. I can't make them go to school. If they choose not to go, they must have a job and must contribute around here. After 1 year, they must pay rent.

[Night Elf]

Does anyone actually do that? Egads. I can't imagine.

 

Well, see, I'm assuming they do because in college discussions, I see people write that their children have no choice. That is why I'm questioning it. I didn't think I'd get many responses though. :) But I am quite curious.

[Parrothead]

Just out of curosity, if you firmly believe your child will have no choice but to attend college, how will you force a child to attend if they don't want to go? What are the consequences of the child choosing to go straight into the workforce rather than go to college? If you care to share.

The only way I can think of is to close the purse if said adult child goes out on his own. I'm sure there are other forms of blackmail that parents use. "Go to college or get out of the house," maybe.

[edelweiss]

In our family, college is presented as the next step. We never discuss it as an option. It is just what you do next. I have every expectation that both of my daughters will attend and finish college. I think it helps that we live in an affluent area where pretty much everyone goes to college. I sincerely doubt that it will ever enter my kids' minds to not go to college.

 

If, by some chance, the unthinkable did happen and one of them didn't want to go to college, we would be supportive of their choice. We would wish them well, but I would also make it clear that we will be there for them if (I suspect "when" is more likely) they decide to go to college after all.

[elegantlion]

We've discussed college as it is not optional for ds for years. In our case we don't have degrees and feel like it has hindered our lives and choices. We talk freely with ds about exactly how not having a degree has limited us. At this point his career interests will require a degree to pursue. In case those change we will continue to "sell" the point of having a degree for backup.

 

If he truly decides not to go? I don't know. I'll want to make sure he has a plan, even if it's going back later. We'll support and love him anyway, he's our son. Do I think a degree will make him successful? No. I think he'll be great at whatever he decides to pursue.

[elise1mds]

My parents brought me up to believe that college was never optional. I never expected I wouldn't. I had applied and been accepted to two (three if you count the scholarship I got at the local community college without even asking for it) when I met DH. At the same time I got a job offer in the field I wanted to pursue, and I opted for a job (i.e. experience) and marriage over college. My parents were pretty upset, but they've come around... two grandkids and a successful marriage tend to do that to people. One of these days I'll head back and get my degree. I've got a few credit hours under my belt, but time takes a toll. I bet I'll have to start from scratch.

 

As for my own kids, DS will definitely head to college unless something really bizarre happens. He already refers to his future self as Dr. Lastname, Ph.D. The redundancy amuses me. I expect DD to go, too, but she's six and just not as career-focused as DS, which is fine. She'll find her niche eventually. My goal is for them to be independent and happy.

[bettyandbob]

One of my dc is unlikely to go to college. He is likely to live with me for the long term and is unlikely to ever earn over minimum wage. He has disabilities.

 

My other 2, have never expressed that they did not want to go to college. They discussed a variety of careers over the years, but all careers they've mentioned have required a degree. I take that back--dd did talk about being a dog groomer, but hasn't lately.

 

We live in the DC area, if they chose not to go to college, they'd really have to leave the area. There really are not jobs you can live on comfortably without a degree. I used to work part time at the Y. There were people I knew who worked full time at the Y and worked at the Target or Whole Foods too. If one of them started talking seriously about a trade (plumbing, electrician, etc) I think that would be something worth considering.

 

I think it's the models my dc have. I can't think of any neighbor who doesn't have a degree. Everyone in my family has a degree and everyone in dh's family has a degree (give or take a cousin or two-dh has 20 cousins). So, that may contribute to the idea that my dc have never considered not going to college. My ds knows a couple of people who have joined the military, but among dd's friends I don't think any of them would consider not going.

[momma2three]

I don't think it ever occurred to me not to go to college. That's just what people did, so far as I was concerned. When I was in high school there were some trend pieces about it being popular to take a "gap year" and I thought that was an interesting idea, but my parents said that was for rich kids whose parents paid for them to backpack around Europe a year. So straight on to college I went, as did every other person in my class at school (it was a private school).

 

We won't be able to afford a private school, but I assume my kids will be raised the same way. If they come up with a better alternative, I'm happy to listen.

[HS Mom in NC]

Do you mean highly skilled labor like an electrician, master mechanic, master carpenter, machinist, etc. is some sort of unthinkable future for a child? I have family members that do those things and they make good livings that support their families well.

[Audrey]

Does anyone actually do that? Egads. I can't imagine.

 

 

Yes. People do that to their children. I have a very good friend who had parents like that. They always insisted that university was not an option; it was expected. Period. Not only did they force her to go to university, they chose her course of study as well. She was threatened with being disowned if her grades didn't stay above a certain average because they knew she didn't want to be there and were afraid that she'd tank her classes and fail out just to get out of going.

 

Long story short... she finally finished her degree, spent years in that career path until she finally grew a spine and gave it up to pursue her true passion and talent. She is incredibly successful and brilliantly gifted at what she does. She has changed people's lives for the better and is incredibly well-respected in her field. Despite all of that, her parents did disown her as soon as she gave up the previous career, and they haven't spoken to her for over a decade. By their own choice, they have never met her husband or her children. She says she doubts she will ever forgive them.

 

I think a person has to be their own person. They have a right to find themselves and their own passions and talents in life. I think forcing your own agenda on another person's life is dangerous, even if, and especially if that person is your own child.

[SKL]

I have always told my kids that they can do whatever they want after they are 18. It is my job to make sure they learn how to think and make good decisions in the mean time. If they reach 18 and do not have enough sense to know whether or not college is the right choice for them, then forcing them to go to college would be about as smart as throwing them in the lake when they haven't learned how to swim. But right now, my hope is that I'll be able to trust them to make an intelligent decision when the time comes.

 

Personally, I went to college at 16. My mom always encouraged me to plan to go to college, but it was always my choice (and my responsibility). I had to pay room and board either way. Realistically, as a 16yo introverted geek without a car or bank account (living in the boonies), I would have been too afraid to attempt anything other than college.

[JennyD]

DH and I are both academics and teach at a university,. Thinking offhand, I can only think of one person I know who did not go to college (special needs) and of everyone else, only one person has not gone on to some kind of graduate school. (This would be BIL, by the way and it is making his parents CRAZY.) Practically all of our family and friends have all sorts of advanced degrees, many more than one.

 

It does sometimes occur to me, however, that if a child of mine wanted to proclaim his autonomy, the way to do it would be to announce at age 18 that he was not going to college and was going on tour as a drummer for a rock band instead. In which case, well, I'm not paying for it, but hey, go in good health. (Just let me be there when you tell Grandpa so I can watch his head explode. :D) We plan to pay for college, but heaven knows we're not going to do it for a kid who doesn't want to be there and isn't ready to make the most of it.

[YLVD]

In our family, college is presented as the next step. We never discuss it as an option. It is just what you do next. I have every expectation that both of my daughters will attend and finish college. I think it helps that we live in an affluent area where pretty much everyone goes to college. I sincerely doubt that it will ever enter my kids' minds to not go to college.

 

If, by some chance, the unthinkable did happen and one of them didn't want to go to college, we would be supportive of their choice. We would wish them well, but I would also make it clear that we will be there for them if (I suspect "when" is more likely) they decide to go to college after all.

 

I have a similar mindset and always have. But, I admit to some sadness as I'm not sure that a university degree is best for my DD as it will be difficult for her. Not that you can't finish when you have an LD, not at all, but it would be a long tough road for her. I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

 

She's a creative type anyway and is more suited that way. But, I'm having a hard time accepting that she may not go the university route and that it may not be the best fit.

[Renee in NC]

I have a similar mindset and always have. But, I admit to some sadness as I'm not sure that a university degree is best for my DD as it will be difficult for her. Not that you can't finish when you have an LD, not at all, but it would be a long tough road for her. I'm having a hard time reconciling it.

 

She's a creative type anyway and is more suited that way. But, I'm having a hard time accepting that she may not go the university route and that it may not be the best fit.

 

I always assumed mine would go to, even though dh didn't. Unfortunately, due to LDs, it probably won't be in the cards for a couple of them. So, instead of pounding, "You will go to college!" in their heads, I talk to them about all the possibilities, including college, trades, missions work, charity work, etc.

[creekland]

I was raised knowing college was the next step and we've raised our boys the same way. They are all looking forward to it (well, my oldest is thoroughly enjoying it), so I don't foresee problems. ;)

 

We do, on occasion, point out jobs they could have if they didn't want to get a college degree, but to date, none have appealed to them.

 

If, for whatever reason, any of them opted for a different path then I'd still love them. I told them long ago that as long as they weren't a drug dealer or a pimp, I'd be happy.

[JFSinIL]

My second dd is a jr. now, and I told her up front that if she is not a full-time college student she will have to get a full-time job and pay rent (either to us or a landlord), also pay for her own health insurance (and she does have medical needs, so needs insurance!) etc. When she thought about how little a minimum wage job would pay, college sounded like a good idea ;)

[twoforjoy]

I didn't have a choice about going to college, but it sort of like how I had no choice about finishing high school or putting on clothes in the morning. It wasn't so much that my parents forced me to do it, just that it was so expected that I never seriously considered doing anything else.

 

For our kids, college will be a choice. I assume they'll probably choose it--DH has a doctorate, I have a master's and teach at a university, so they're going to be around academic types a lot (although that could very reasonably turn them off of higher ed!) and my DS at least is very academically-inclined--but it won't be something we push on them.

[Laura Corin]

In our family, college is presented as the next step. We never discuss it as an option. It is just what you do next. I have every expectation that both of my daughters will attend and finish college. I think it helps that we live in an affluent area where pretty much everyone goes to college. I sincerely doubt that it will ever enter my kids' minds to not go to college.

 

If, by some chance, the unthinkable did happen and one of them didn't want to go to college, we would be supportive of their choice. We would wish them well, but I would also make it clear that we will be there for them if (I suspect "when" is more likely) they decide to go to college after all.

 

Laura

[regentrude]

In our family, not going to college would be considered the same as not doing school before that. The kids have grown up surrounded by people who all went to university and, most of them, graduate school. Throughout their childhood, we discuss education, and see college as the normal thing to do- because it is about options, not a piece of paper.

I can only fathom them NOT wanting to go to college if they were developing some major rebellion - but even so, the are both too rational. All the jobs they have an interest in require higher education.

Edited September 20, 2011 by regentrude

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, I don't really fall into your target group, because I don't think I've ever said my kids have no choice. However, here are my thoughts on the question.

 

We've told our kids since they were little that we expect them to get some kind of additional training or education past high school. We've told them it doesn't have to be a four-year college degree. If a shorter, certificate-style program is more appropriate for what they want to do, so be it. If one of them decided he or she really wanted to be a writer but that working as a plumber would be a fun way to pay the bills until the first best-seller, trade school would be fine.

 

And, fortunately for us, it looks like both of my kids will be young enough when they finish high school for our rules to still have an effect. The truth is that, if we're talking about kids who graduate from high school at the typical age, they are adults. Parents could choose to say, "If you don't do what I tell you to do, I won't offer you financial or emotional support." But that's pretty much the only leverage you'd have with an 18- or 19-year-old young adult.

[Chris in VA]

We have a somewhat unique (perhaps to this board, anyway) situation with our second son. While we set the model for college being the obvious way to go after high school (both dh and I have degrees--he has a Ph.D), I never really thought we put pressure on our kids to go. But I was wrong--it was so subtle! We always said they could do "whatever" with their lives, but we really meant, "Of course you will go to college, because that's the BEST way for smart people." :glare: We were arrogant.

 

So, what happens when a kid goes thru high school, messes up, and then is not accepted into college? Well, it does a number on his self esteem, for one thing. If parental expectations have been so high that they seem the normal thing to do, and kid can't rise to them, where does that leave kid?

 

Ds has gone so far backward. He was absolutely shattered.

 

I'd say be careful in your expectations, and let the message in your home be, We love and accept you because of who you are, not what you do or what you will be in the future. Yes, have high expectations, but don't lose that message and do all you can to reinforce it.

 

I hate to admit it, but we were prejudiced against blue-collar careers. If kids go thru high school in a college prep way, then don't go to college, they come out with no practical skills. They have to go for more training, because they don't have the training they could have gotten thru high school courses designed for kids not going to college! So I've got a son who lacks skills, trying to find a job.

 

Of course, you learn how to learn, you gain thinking skills, you broaden your mind--blah blah blah--in college prep courses, and yep, I do think that's important. And you can get training after high school in a trade. It might be the best way to go. But when college has been the expectation, and a trade is second-best in your family's culture, then how does that leave a kid feeling?

[Renee in NC]

We have a somewhat unique (perhaps to this board, anyway) situation with our second son. While we set the model for college being the obvious way to go after high school (both dh and I have degrees--he has a Ph.D), I never really thought we put pressure on our kids to go. But I was wrong--it was so subtle! We always said they could do "whatever" with their lives, but we really meant, "Of course you will go to college, because that's the BEST way for smart people." :glare: We were arrogant.

 

So, what happens when a kid goes thru high school, messes up, and then is not accepted into college? Well, it does a number on his self esteem, for one thing. If parental expectations have been so high that they seem the normal thing to do, and kid can't rise to them, where does that leave kid?

 

Ds has gone so far backward. He was absolutely shattered.

 

I'd say be careful in your expectations, and let the message in your home be, We love and accept you because of who you are, not what you do or what you will be in the future. Yes, have high expectations, but don't lose that message and do all you can to reinforce it.

 

I hate to admit it, but we were prejudiced against blue-collar careers. If kids go thru high school in a college prep way, then don't go to college, they come out with no practical skills. They have to go for more training, because they don't have the training they could have gotten thru high school courses designed for kids not going to college! So I've got a son who lacks skills, trying to find a job.

 

Of course, you learn how to learn, you gain thinking skills, you broaden your mind--blah blah blah--in college prep courses, and yep, I do think that's important. And you can get training after high school in a trade. It might be the best way to go. But when college has been the expectation, and a trade is second-best in your family's culture, then how does that leave a kid feeling?

 

AMEN!

 

It's hard for me, because I have been talking up "engineer" since ds13 was 3 and built a lock for the bathroom door out of tinkertoys.;) However, as time has gone by, it's become apparent that it isn't likely to happen. I have a LOT of back peddling to do. :glare:

[Aelwydd]

In our family, college is presented as the next step. We never discuss it as an option. It is just what you do next. I have every expectation that both of my daughters will attend and finish college. I think it helps that we live in an affluent area where pretty much everyone goes to college. I sincerely doubt that it will ever enter my kids' minds to not go to college.

 

If, by some chance, the unthinkable did happen and one of them didn't want to go to college, we would be supportive of their choice. We would wish them well, but I would also make it clear that we will be there for them if (I suspect "when" is more likely) they decide to go to college after all.

 

Aye, same here.

 

Just because I say I expect my ds to go to college, doesn't mean I have plans to hog tie him, or black mail him or whatever, if he chooses differently. Not every parent operates according to an authoritarian, "You must obey or I shalt smite thee" mindset, you know.

 

If he decides not to go, I'll be very disappointed, but I will still love him and want to hang out with him. The end.

[Aelwydd]

We have a somewhat unique (perhaps to this board, anyway) situation with our second son. While we set the model for college being the obvious way to go after high school (both dh and I have degrees--he has a Ph.D), I never really thought we put pressure on our kids to go. But I was wrong--it was so subtle! We always said they could do "whatever" with their lives, but we really meant, "Of course you will go to college, because that's the BEST way for smart people." :glare: We were arrogant.

 

So, what happens when a kid goes thru high school, messes up, and then is not accepted into college? Well, it does a number on his self esteem, for one thing. If parental expectations have been so high that they seem the normal thing to do, and kid can't rise to them, where does that leave kid?

 

Ds has gone so far backward. He was absolutely shattered.

 

I'd say be careful in your expectations, and let the message in your home be, We love and accept you because of who you are, not what you do or what you will be in the future. Yes, have high expectations, but don't lose that message and do all you can to reinforce it.

 

I hate to admit it, but we were prejudiced against blue-collar careers. If kids go thru high school in a college prep way, then don't go to college, they come out with no practical skills. They have to go for more training, because they don't have the training they could have gotten thru high school courses designed for kids not going to college! So I've got a son who lacks skills, trying to find a job.

 

Of course, you learn how to learn, you gain thinking skills, you broaden your mind--blah blah blah--in college prep courses, and yep, I do think that's important. And you can get training after high school in a trade. It might be the best way to go. But when college has been the expectation, and a trade is second-best in your family's culture, then how does that leave a kid feeling?

 

I'm scratching my head in some confusion here because I have maintained belief that there is a third option between "selective, 4 year university" and "zero college."

 

I applied to several universities when I was in high school. On the off chance I got rejected by every single one of them, my plan as simply to go to a community college, pick up credits there, and transfer.

 

Given how many universities and colleges there are out there, and the extremely wide range of ability among students, that there are just no schools out there who will take a less-than-stellar student.

 

This is not to say that your ds must do the same. But, I just wanted to point out what seems to me a false dichotomy in your post. There are a lot of "middle road" options out there.

[momtotkbb]

College for our dc has always been seen as the next step. In our family it's always been not if you will go but where you will go. We pay for college and all expenses while in college ---we will even help support them for a short time after college while they are sending out resumes. So far we've only had one to be old enough to go through college and now he's beginning to look for work. We have caved some though and even said (although it was very hard for me to agree to) that a 2 year tech degree is acceptable. If our kids chose not to go onto college then they will need to get a job.

[Danestress]

Of course I wouldn't force it - and I doubt any one here is intending to force it the way your question seems to assume.

 

But honestly, we don't have a lot of discussions in our house about, "all the options after high school." We pretty much assume that college is THE option but that whether they get to go to a college they most want to be at is a function of what they do in the next five years.

 

From my kids perspective, though, college looks great. They have done Suzuki camps and sports camps where they stayed on campus, and they have been up for ball games at our university. My sister lives in a beautiful college town. I think in their minds, going to college is sort of the reward for all your work growing up. I can't imagine they wouldn't want to do that, specially because they will most likely not be asked to take out huge loans or otherwise fun much of it themselves.

[kewb]

In our family, college is presented as the next step. We never discuss it as an option. It is just what you do next.

 

That is how it is here. Should one or both of my children choose not to go to college then I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

[creekland]

 

From my kids perspective, though, college looks great. ... I think in their minds, going to college is sort of the reward for all your work growing up.

 

This is how mine look at it too. It's not a negative thing at all. It's 100% positive and exciting. Oldest has loved getting into a higher academic realm and my other two are chomping at the bit to go. Youngest was rather bummed here at home, but since we've taken him along on college visits with middle son he's become extremely motivated to do the best he can in high school in order to have as many choices as possible for college (even though at the moment he has his mind set on where he wants to go).

[FaithManor]

This is how mine look at it too. It's not a negative thing at all. It's 100% positive and exciting. Oldest has loved getting into a higher academic realm and my other two are chomping at the bit to go. Youngest was rather bummed here at home, but since we've taken him along on college visits with middle son he's become extremely motivated to do the best he can in high school in order to have as many choices as possible for college (even though at the moment he has his mind set on where he wants to go).

 

 

I could have written this post. The younger two cannot wait to go on our college visit in November. The key will be to keep the charming, chatty red-head science nerd from overshadowing his older brother. I've threatened a muzzle and loss of enough privileges to reduce said son to indentured servitude! :D

 

Mine are all excited about it. Part of this could be that despite being a tortured piano performance major, I adored my college years and so did DH. We talk about it very openly and so I think the kids see college preparation as an exciting, natural next step in life.

 

Faith

[Margo out of lurking]

We have always presented it as the natural course here too. Dh went to college off and on for several years, never completing his degree. I don't have one.

 

It's just been in the past few months that I have introduced to my kids the idea that they have other options. The *most* important thing to do is whatever God is calling them to do. He will surely want them to continue learning, in some way, and grow in their spiritual lives. If that includes college, wonderful. If that doesn't include college, wonderful, too. He WILL show them His will, and as long as they are seeking and following that, college is just a much smaller issue.

[DawnM]

:iagree:

 

Although my kids haven't been on a college campus and don't have any grand plans to move out.

 

Dawn

 

Of course I wouldn't force it - and I doubt any one here is intending to force it the way your question seems to assume.

 

But honestly, we don't have a lot of discussions in our house about, "all the options after high school." We pretty much assume that college is THE option but that whether they get to go to a college they most want to be at is a function of what they do in the next five years.

 

From my kids perspective, though, college looks great. They have done Suzuki camps and sports camps where they stayed on campus, and they have been up for ball games at our university. My sister lives in a beautiful college town. I think in their minds, going to college is sort of the reward for all your work growing up. I can't imagine they wouldn't want to do that, specially because they will most likely not be asked to take out huge loans or otherwise fun much of it themselves.

[DawnM]

It is not presented as an option here either, although we will work with it when we come to that point.

 

DH and I both have advanced degrees and we have talked quite a bit about how much harder it often is for those who don't go.

 

Dawn

[silliness7]

Just out of curosity, if you firmly believe your child will have no choice but to attend college, how will you force a child to attend if they don't want to go? What are the consequences of the child choosing to go straight into the workforce rather than go to college? If you care to share.

 

 

I don't know how you can force an adult to do anything. I have heard of parents dangling financial carrots to get them to do what they want. New car, free rent, whatever. Some parents can get quite manipulative with the purse strings and unfortunately can be quite successful especially with kids who are insecure or "addicted" to a certain lifestyle and just don't have the confidence to strike out on their own. Some parents even fuel the insecurity to keep their control. It's not pretty.