My mom doesn't want me to cut my hair...

[LuvingLife]

.. but I am so ready for a change, I just don't want to break her heart. I have always had very long hair, I mean it went all the way down to my bum, and I loved it for a long time. But now I am ready for a change, I need that change really badly. I want it cut short, but not really short, more medium length, and htat will be my birthday gift, (3 months away but at least I don't have to pay!) My mom doesn't want me to though, and my dad doesn't seem to bothered by it, yet. I think they don't like the fact that it is yet another sign of me growing up, and they really are not liking it. It's just now that I have a more active lifestyle, I want a nice cut that I can style with ease, yet throw it up on a pony tail and go out with my friends or workout.

 

I don't like hurting my parents, but I would like to do this for me. How could I tell her that this is for me, and it doesn't change anything?

[kalanamak]

Personally, I got a long way with my very strict mother by pointing out that I was approaching adulthood, and did she really want me to go from 0-60 on my 18th birthday? But that was my mom. It worked for us on little things. It didn't work for us on bigger things, so I packed up and moved out at 16. I might not be the best source of advice, then. :lol:

 

But, I consider hair a "little thing". It isn't as if you are piercing all loose flesh and getting a Maori tattoo on your face. :)

[DianeW88]

Your hair, your choice. My dd always was the one to decide on the length of her hair.

[Guest submarines]

Good for you for realising what her issues might be. It is funny how parents get attached to their children's hair. Silly, but true.

 

Can you talk to her how she would feel if you were to dictate, no matter how subtly, her own hair style?

 

It is your body, and your choice, obviously.

 

It is difficult *before* the transition, but when it is done, she will see that it is still the same you. I recently read a blog where the mother was apprehensive about her teenager cutting her gorgeous long hair, but after the fact loved it immediately.

[LuvingLife]

Personally, I got a long way with my very strict mother by pointing out that I was approaching adulthood, and did she really want me to go from 0-60 on my 18th birthday? But that was my mom. It worked for us on little things. It didn't work for us on bigger things, so I packed up and moved out at 16. I might not be the best source of advice, then. :lol:

 

But, I consider hair a "little thing". It isn't as if you are piercing all loose flesh and getting a Maori tattoo on your face. :)

 

Lol, yes I know, it's just my parents don't want me to gorw up yet. Sometimes my mom is like this, sentimental and I like it about her because she keeps so many pictures of us when we were little and it brings back loads of memories. But sometimes it isn't so good lol.:)

[Ria]

If you cutting your hair is going to hurt your mother, you have more serious problems than a haircut to deal with. Seriously. Cut your hair. Your hair, your choice. Mom needs a life.

[LuvingLife]

Good for you for realising what her issues might be. It is funny how parents get attached to their children's hair. Silly, but true.

 

Can you talk to her how she would feel if you were to dictate, no matter how subtly, her own hair style?

 

It is your body, and your choice, obviously.

 

It is difficult *before* the transition, but when it is done, she will see that it is still the same you. I recently read a blog where the mother was apprehensive about her teenager cutting her gorgeous long hair, but after the fact loved it immediately.

 

Thank you and yes I have tried and it doesn't seem to bother her as much anymore, but I know it is still an issue. I don't want to see my hair go either, but I want a change and it is much needed!

[Parrothead]

Do you have enough to donate it to Locks of Love? Maybe if you give it to charity and point out the need she will feel better about it.

[Ria]

Do you have enough to donate it to Locks of Love? Maybe if you give it to charity and point out the need she will feel better about it.

 

Very good idea!

[Princess Peach]

Tell your mom what you've told us. Maybe she doesn't understand how she is making you feel. It's not as though you want a mohawk. :D

[----]

.

Edited September 14, 2014 by amana

[BatmansWife]

I think you are a very sweet and loving dd to be so concerned about your mom and dads feelings.

 

I'm sure you've talked to them about this already. Maybe sit with mom again and say that you really, really want to get your hair cut. Tell her the reasons: it's too long, heavy, and hot....it gets in the way when you want to do something active....it takes a lot of time to wash it, brush it out, and keep it nice....you aren't asking to get a tatoo or a piercing....it can always grow out again....you just want to at least try it....etc.

 

I don't see too many people with hair that long anymore. I think you'll really like it if you get it cut. It will be such a weight off your shoulders (I mean your head). :001_smile:

[BatmansWife]

Do you have enough to donate it to Locks of Love? Maybe if you give it to charity and point out the need she will feel better about it.

 

Oh yeah....great idea!

[ereks mom]

My daughter is the same age as you and has had very long hair (at one point it was down to her knees) also. Like your mom, I wanted my daughter to keep her hair long, but I knew how important it was to her to get her hair cut, so I agreed. In fact, I even cut her hair myself a couple of times, but when she wanted more than just a simple straight-across-the-back style, I took her to a salon. She has donated at least 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love 3 times so far. (Her hair grows really fast.)

[gingersmom]

Do you have enough to donate it to Locks of Love? Maybe if you give it to charity and point out the need she will feel better about it.

 

:iagree:

 

My daughter has donated to locks of love. It was a wonderful experience.

[elegantlion]

Lol, yes I know, it's just my parents don't want me to gorw up yet. Sometimes my mom is like this, sentimental and I like it about her because she keeps so many pictures of us when we were little and it brings back loads of memories. But sometimes it isn't so good lol.:)

 

If you don't donate your hair, have the hairdresser save some tied in a ribbon and present to her. I agree it's your hair, your choice. Perhaps you could write a little note about how much you appreciate your parents and their influence in your life and how having less hair won't change that.

 

Do you have enough to donate it to Locks of Love? Maybe if you give it to charity and point out the need she will feel better about it.

 

:iagree: Great idea.

[WishboneDawn]

 

I don't like hurting my parents, but I would like to do this for me. How could I tell her that this is for me, and it doesn't change anything?

 

As a mom...Don't worry about her feelings. This will not scar her. :) It will not be a horrible or lasting hurt. She may be wistful afterwards for your long hair but I'm quite sure she won't be angry or sad or anything like that. I think she'd be much MORE upset if she realized how worried you are about her feelings and how that's interfering with you making your own choice in the matter - I know I would be.

 

Donate the hair as others have said and then give her a hug afterwards and thank her for giving you the opportunity to give that gift to the charity by having you not cut your hair for so long. I bet she'll appreciate that.

[gardenmom5]

.. but I am so ready for a change, I just don't want to break her heart. I have always had very long hair, I mean it went all the way down to my bum, and I loved it for a long time.

 

My daughter's has been that long at that age - and that was despite a few haircuts that took off 18". what reason does she give for not cutting it? does she think you will regret it (my daughter did - it's long again), or does *she* want it long?

 

I want it cut short, but not really short, more medium length, and htat will be my birthday gift, (3 months away but at least I don't have to pay!)

If you go to a salon that will donate it to locks of love, and cut off at least 12" (or is it 18"?) you don't have to pay.

 

I want a nice cut that I can style with ease, yet throw it up on a pony tail and go out with my friends or workout.

 

if your hair is that long at this age - it grows fast. do not plan on a 'short' style as you will have to be in having it cut constantly to maintain it. get's expensive fast, and has to be styled every morning. My hair doesn't grow as fast as my daughter's (nor is it as thick), but short hair is a pain as it actually requires MORE care to look good than having some length.

 

A medium length cut sounds very sensible - it's long enough to do something fast, but not so long it's caught in your clothes nor are you sitting on it. (and it's not pulling on your scalp causing headachs.) It also dries faster.

 

Have you ever tried hair sticks to put it up? there are many fun things you can do with your hair. more than "just a pony" tail or braid down the middle. (I'd section off the front and make a "headband" french braid along the top from ear to ear - the rest hung free.)

[Cinder]

I did the same thing when I turned 18--got my waist length hair cut to shoulder length. I'd had it long for years and years. It was very freeing. It was very much time for a change--for me. My mom wasn't upset at all, though. Perhaps yours just needs a heartfelt reminder that you'll always be her loving daughter on the inside no matter what you look like on the outside. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

:iagree:those were my thoughts. my grandmother always had very strong opinons on our hair from the time I was small. It was a sad portent of things to come.

 

If you cutting your hair is going to hurt your mother, you have more serious problems than a haircut to deal with. Seriously. Cut your hair. Your hair, your choice. Mom needs a life.

[Starr]

Don't do what my dd did. She cut her hair off, herself, late at night. :D I was sad but happy to trim it up nice and evenly. She hadn't even asked for a haircut. The college students that worked with her choir encouraged her to make hair decisions by the light of day. She's never regretted it.

[Tap]

Maybe a baby steps approach will work with your mom. First cut it to mid-back to let her get used to the idea. Then go from there.

[JFSinIL]

Talk up how much the Locks of Love folks will appreciate getting the hair so a chemo patient can have a decent wig.

 

She who has to take care of the hair, gets to make the hair cut decision!

[Pretty in Pink]

Just do it. It will be like ripping off a Band-Aid -- just get it over with. Once it's done, it's done. Your Mom will get over it quickly.

[elfgivas]

hmmmm...... ladies? are we really councelling a 16 year old to go behind her mother's back and just cut her hair? really? at 26 yes, but not at 16.

 

fwiw, i have 4 dds.... 27, 25, 13, 11.

 

mostly, their hair decisions have been theirs to make (hair grows). the elders have been choosing for years.

 

i'm wondering just how much your mom doesn't want you to do it - whether it is just that she doesn't want you to or that she really, really, really doesn't want you to do it or has said "no" you can't do it?

 

make her a cup of tea, sit her down in the living room and tell her that you really want to get it cut, and give the reasons, and tell her the name of the salon you have chosen and how much they charge, and ask her if there is one she would prefer you go to. ask her if she'd like to go with you. see what happens next....

 

good luck!

ann

[HSMom2One]

hmmmm...... ladies? are we really councelling a 16 year old to go behind her mother's back and just cut her hair? really? at 26 yes, but not at 16.

 

fwiw, i have 4 dds.... 27, 25, 13, 11.

 

mostly, their hair decisions have been theirs to make (hair grows). the elders have been choosing for years.

 

i'm wondering just how much your mom doesn't want you to do it - whether it is just that she doesn't want you to or that she really, really, really doesn't want you to do it or has said "no" you can't do it?

 

make her a cup of tea, sit her down in the living room and tell her that you really want to get it cut, and give the reasons, and tell her the name of the salon you have chosen and how much they charge, and ask her if there is one she would prefer you go to. ask her if she'd like to go with you. see what happens next....

 

good luck!

ann

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I think that the greater issue here is attitude of the heart. It's also about showing respect to parents, even in little things. There is a big difference between standing up and asking for support in a decision like this, vs. going behind a parent's back and being defiant. I don't care what everyone else is saying, having a disrespectful attitude toward parents is wrong -- even if it is over an issue like hair length.

 

If my dd came to me and poured her heart out about something like this it would open the door for our relationship to grow and change and I would not only hear her, but I would respect both her and her wishes. This scenario would work out much differently than if she had just gone and done the deed without even talking to me about it.

 

I bet that your mom may just need a little help in learning to let go of certain things. As an older mom myself, I believe that it's a mom's job to let go. That is (after all) the goal in raising a child. But it doesn't have to happen all at once. The two of you should be at a place where she's starting to give you some independent choices and freedoms to prepare you for leaving home in just a couple or a few years. If she's having a hard time with working with you on this, then the answer is to pray for wisdom and talk, talk and talk some more.

 

Blessings to you, dear girl. You are such a gem!

Lucinda

[Slartibartfast]

Hair doesn't matter to me, if my 16 year old wanted a purple mohawk I would let her.

 

Not a hill I am going to die on.

[texasmama]

My 16 year old is 100% in charge of her hair. When she was younger, I decided how long it should be because I was styling and caring for it. We are past that stage, as are you.;)

 

It is okay for you to cut your hair shorter. Your mom can have feelings about it. In spite of her feelings, though, it is fine for you to go ahead and suit yourself with a shorter hairstyle. Your mom has plenty of nice pictures to look at and go down memory lane. She will move on from it. I promise. (If she doesn't, then I think the issues go much deeper and are not really about hair.) donating to Locks of Love is a very nice idea.

[arghmatey]

I think you should respect your mother's wishes as long as you live in her home.

 

In my home, I would allow it. It's also not a hill I'm willing to die on; is it a hill to die on for you, OP?

[foxbridgeacademy]

I also had parents that wouldn't allow me to cut my hair (for religious reasons) and like a PP ended up packing my bags and moving out at 17. Of course it was more then just the hair. You seem like a very intelligent teenager who needs to start having choices like an intelligent young adult. Also after you cut it it will be healthier, grow better and it's not like it's permanent.

[HeatherInWI]

hmmmm...... ladies? are we really councelling a 16 year old to go behind her mother's back and just cut her hair? really? at 26 yes, but not at 16.

 

:iagree: 2

 

One question would be why she doesn't want you to cut your hair. In some traditions and belief systems, short hair is a sign of rebellion against God, and therefore also one's parents. If long hair as a covering is something your parents believe in, I'd certainly advise you to keep yours long as long as you are under their care, even if you don't share their belief.

 

Otherwise, I'd suggest discussing it rationally with your mom, explaining why you want to cut it, but also expressing willingness to abide by her decision while you're under her care. I'm a mom of two teens whom I can trust completely, being certain they'd never do something behind my back that I objected to. We talk things out and come to decisions together. Because they haven't broken trust, I can allow them to do many things that I wouldn't if they were untrustworthy, disobedient, or sneaky. While this is not a fight I'd be willing to go all the way for, either, the honesty of my children and our open relationship are.

[Ria]

I think you should respect your mother's wishes as long as you live in her home.

 

 

Seriously? We are talking about someone else's hair. HAIR. Why does the mom have any say whatsoever in a 16 year old's hair style decision? I can understand respecting parents, and rules....but to be told what you can and cannot do with your own hair? That's way too controlling.

[Slartibartfast]

:iagree: 2

 

One question would be why she doesn't want you to cut your hair. In some traditions and belief systems, short hair is a sign of rebellion against God, and therefore also one's parents. If long hair as a covering is something your parents believe in, I'd certainly advise you to keep yours long as long as you are under their care, even if you don't share their belief.

 

Otherwise, I'd suggest discussing it rationally with your mom, explaining why you want to cut it, but also expressing willingness to abide by her decision while you're under her care. I'm a mom of two teens whom I can trust completely, being certain they'd never do something behind my back that I objected to. We talk things out and come to decisions together. Because they haven't broken trust, I can allow them to do many things that I wouldn't if they were untrustworthy, disobedient, or sneaky. While this is not a fight I'd be willing to go all the way for, either, the honesty of my children and our open relationship are.

 

No one cuts their hair because they are rebelling against God.

[Ria]

hmmmm...... ladies? are we really councelling a 16 year old to go behind her mother's back and just cut her hair? really? at 26 yes, but not at 16.

 

I figure this is the big girls and boys forum. If the person posting asks for feedback, they'll get my honest feedback, not one geared for children.

[arghmatey]

Seriously? We are talking about someone else's hair. HAIR. Why does the mom have any say whatsoever in a 16 year old's hair style decision? I can understand respecting parents, and rules....but to be told what you can and cannot do with your own hair? That's way too controlling.

 

As I said, I would allow it in my home, where I make the rules.

 

I assume her mother and father make the rules in their home.

 

She needs to decide if it's worth a battle. I don't think it is.

 

If het mother posted about this, I'd advise the mother to allow it. Still not worth a battle.

[Ria]

As I said, I would allow it in my home, where I make the rules.

 

I assume her mother and father make the rules in their home.

 

I guess what really stuns me is that there are parents out there who would try to control a 16-year old to that extent. :confused:

[arghmatey]

I guess what really stuns me is that there are parents out there who would try to control a 16-year old to that extent. :confused:

 

How can this possibly stun anyone when we all know people are still arranging marriages for their children and such?

 

Is it acceptable? The answer is a matter of opinion.

[Ria]

How can this possibly stun anyone when we all know people are still arranging marriages for their children and such?

 

Is it acceptable? The answer is a matter of opinion.

 

I personally have never had contact with people who arrange their children's marriages. While I do understand that that happens in some cultures, it is certainly not the norm on this particular forum.

[Ginevra]

I would probably cut it and ask forgiveness later. As a parent, hair length is not a battlefield I'm willing to die on.

 

 

 

:iagree: It's just not that big a deal. Of all the things a teenage daughter could surprise me with, going from super-long to medium-long hair would barely make a blip on my radar screen.

 

My 16 year old is 100% in charge of her hair. When she was younger, I decided how long it should be because I was styling and caring for it. We are past that stage, as are you.;)

 

It is okay for you to cut your hair shorter. Your mom can have feelings about it. In spite of her feelings, though, it is fine for you to go ahead and suit yourself with a shorter hairstyle. Your mom has plenty of nice pictures to look at and go down memory lane. She will move on from it. I promise. (If she doesn't, then I think the issues go much deeper and are not really about hair.) donating to Locks of Love is a very nice idea.

 

:iagree: Even when I was 11, I was socially pained by my mother still controlling my hair (shirley-temple curls made with those god-awful foam hair curlers). I think any kid old enough to care is old enough to have a say about it.

[greenvneck]

I guess what really stuns me is that there are parents out there who would try to control a 16-year old to that extent. :confused:

 

Really? I grew up in a household where I was not allowed to cut my hair. Period. It was for religious reasons (nevermind that I have been an atheist since I was a child, but I obviously never expressed that in my house). Then again, I was kicked out of my house at 17 because my mom caught me wearing pants at school instead of a skirt. :cursing: I'm 37 and still have resentment and anger.

[greenvneck]

Having gone through what I did, I decided long ago that I really don't care what my kids do with their hair. It's hair! It will grow, they will grow, and if they get it all out while young it'll be over. My girls have had green, purple, blue, pink hair (one dd had pink hair from 13-17--NEON pink). Now her hair is bright blue and at this very moment the other one is upstairs dyeing her hair purple. My 10yo son has (temporary) red and blue hair. :D

 

If this were a poll, I would say have your hair cut into a style that you love and that is easy to maintain. If you know your parents won't kick you out of the house for it, they will get over it. Good luck!

[texasmama]

I didn't infer from the OP's post that her mother had forbidden her to cut her hair or that it was long for religious reasons but rather that her mother had a strong preference that she not cut her hair due to sentimental reasons.

 

If that is the case, then no rebellion exists. This is an older teen who may choose to cut her hair shorter than her mother would prefer. The OP strikes me as a thoughtful person who is concerned about her mother's feelings, which is very kind, but it should not be, IMO, the deciding factor for how she wears her hair. The OP doesn't appear (at face value) to have "open rebellion" or "heart issues". She's just a teen who wants a different hairstyle which is against her mother's preference.

[LuvingLife]

I didn't infer from the OP's post that her mother had forbidden her to cut her hair or that it was long for religious reasons but rather that her mother had a strong preference that she not cut her hair due to sentimental reasons.

 

If that is the case, then no rebellion exists. This is an older teen who may choose to cut her hair shorter than her mother would prefer. The OP strikes me as a thoughtful person who is concerned about her mother's feelings, which is very kind, but it should not be, IMO, the deciding factor for how she wears her hair. The OP doesn't appear (at face value) to have "open rebellion" or "heart issues". She's just a teen who wants a different hairstyle which is against her mother's preference.

 

I would quote a lot of you but there are so many posts lol! Now to clarify some things, my mom is a sentimental person, she likes the fact my hair is long, but she has NOT forbidden me to get it cut. She just said that she would like me to keep my hair long, but I could get it cut. I just wanted to talk it through with her and not make it seem like anything bad. Emotionally my mom is very strong, but we all have our weaknesses. This is not a sign of rebellion, in fact, I have never rebelled against my parents ever! (Except for the usual teenage things lol, which I do get in trouble for). I have a high respect for my parents, and to those who disagree of course! We will all not agree on these things, I just wanted to know how I could make cutting my hair a positive thing!!

 

I prefer medium hair, and after reading all the posts and talking to my mom, she gets that she needs to stop being sentimental all the time and that her little girl (second child, first daughter) is growing up to be a women now and she needs to let go. I feel good that her feeling were not hurt, and everything is ok. And the comments that some posted (forgot names though) I can take the posts! As long as there is no vulgar or anything, I can see where you all are coming from. Every household is different, and I got to see this in this thread! I had no clue what a huge debate this would turn out to be.

 

So, I hope this clarifies things, and I will be getting my haircut on my bday thanks to y'all!! (and whoever recommended talking things over with tea, apple cider worked well too! That's how we talked it out.):D

[texasmama]

That sounds like a great resolution. You remind me of my own teenage girl, and I know your mom must enjoy your relationship so much.:001_smile:

[LuvingLife]

That sounds like a great resolution. You remind me of my own teenage girl, and I know your mom must enjoy your relationship so much.:001_smile:

 

Thank you and I am glad to have such a good relationship with my parents, just like you and your daughter, and my mom enjoys it too. Thank you again!!:)

[twoforjoy]

When I was 17, I came home with a nose ring. My mother flipped out. She was about ready to disown me, I think. She didn't talk to me for almost a week.

 

Then, she realized it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I came home from college a few years later, when my sister was 17. My mother was eager for me to see my sister's "adorable" tongue ring.

 

I got a week of the silent treatment, my sister got my parents laughing about how silly her tongue ring was. That was like the story of my (teenage) life. I'd do something, my parents would act like it was the end of the world, then they'd realize it wasn't a big deal and didn't change anything, and when my sister did it, my parents either didn't care or were actually enthusiastic about it.

 

I will say, I love my DD's curly hair. I just love it. My husband has warned me that, when she's a preteen and/or teen, she'll probably straighten her hair, just like I did. I think it's going to break my heart a little, tiny bit when she does, and I'm going to have to work really hard to bite my tongue and not tell her to leave it like it naturally is. So, I can also see where your mom was coming from.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you and your mom worked this out. Enjoy your haircut!

Edited September 19, 2011 by twoforjoy

[LuvingLife]

When I was 17, I came home with a nose ring. My mother flipped out. She was about ready to disown me, I think. She didn't talk to me for almost a week.

 

Then, she realized it wasn't a big deal. In fact, I came home from college a few years later, when my sister was 17. My mother was eager for me to see my sister's "adorable" tongue ring.

 

I got a week of the silent treatment, my sister got my parents laughing about how silly her tongue ring was. That was like the story of my (teenage) life. I'd do something, my parents would act like it was the end of the world, then they'd realize it wasn't a big deal and didn't change anything, and when my sister did it, my parents either didn't care or were actually enthusiastic about it.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you and your mom worked this out. Enjoy your haircut!

 

 

Thank you and I am glad things worked out for you too!

[twoforjoy]

Thank you and I am glad things worked out for you too!

 

Ha, I realize I forgot the point of my nose ring story! I'm a bit sleep-deprived.

 

In hindsight, I wouldn't have gone behind my mom's back. I probably would have done it anyway, but I would have at least let her know that I was going to do it beforehand. I don't think that just coming home with it was the best idea.

 

If you've got enough hair to donate, you might be able to get a free haircut. The last time I cut my hair, there was enough to donate, and at the place where I went, they would cut your hair for free if you were willing to donate it.

[Sara in AZ]

I am one of five daughters. My mother always kept our hair long and trimmed it herself, one whole inch if you were lucky. She was horrified of layers. I am 33 and to this day I cannot get a haircut without thinking about what Mom is going to think of it! (I was 25 before I dared cut it off up to my chin.) Do what you want to do...it will always grow back!

[catz]

If you cutting your hair is going to hurt your mother, you have more serious problems than a haircut to deal with. Seriously. Cut your hair. Your hair, your choice. Mom needs a life.

 

:iagree: Hair that long is hard to manage. If you're ready for a change, go for it. You're probably in a good position to donate your hair to a charity, which might make mom feel a little better?