How to cope with games with boys especially?

[Lan]

My son will be 10 soon. Until recently, I've tried to shield him from the harming effects of playing any kind of electronic games including on line games. So I've limited his playing time for 20 minutes on weekends only. And we don't have any game machines at home not even Nintendo DS or Wii.

 

But they are just everywhere. He goes to a birthday party and has a play date with his friend. It mostly ends up him playing those games or just watching someone else playing. Even at his school, the principal throws Wii parties for principal's AR club, a bunch of kids who meet the AR points for each quarter.

 

I don't think I can control him from playing these games forever since he seems to be envious of his friends who owns all those game gadgets and loves to talk about games with his friends. Maybe it's part of the kids' culture these days.

 

My biggest fear is that he becomes a game addict once he goes off to college and is no longer under my roof. Since he's approaching preteen age, I'd like to help him develop healthy attitude toward games and learn to be in self-control with games. The only problem is I don't know how. Any suggestions?

 

Additionally, what do you think of Club Penguin? Are there any good(?) game websites with cute cartoons without shooting or weird pictures?

[Snickerdoodle]

I'm lucky in that my son's friends also don't have games so it hardly comes up. But I have been thinking a lot about your concerns too.

 

:bigear:

[Scarlett]

My son will be 10 soon. Until recently, I've tried to shield him from the harming effects of playing any kind of electronic games including on line games. So I've limited his playing time for 20 minutes on weekends only. And we don't have any game machines at home not even Nintendo DS or Wii.

 

But they are just everywhere. He goes to a birthday party and has a play date with his friend. It mostly ends up him playing those games or just watching someone else playing. Even at his school, the principal throws Wii parties for principal's AR club, a bunch of kids who meet the AR points for each quarter.

 

I don't think I can control him from playing these games forever since he seems to be envious of his friends who owns all those game gadgets and loves to talk about games with his friends. Maybe it's part of the kids' culture these days.

 

My biggest fear is that he becomes a game addict once he goes off to college and is no longer under my roof. Since he's approaching preteen age, I'd like to help him develop healthy attitude toward games and learn to be in self-control with games. The only problem is I don't know how. Any suggestions?

 

Additionally, what do you think of Club Penguin? Are there any good(?) game websites with cute cartoons without shooting or weird pictures?

 

I would definitely say it is part of the current culture. Doesn't mean you have to give in to it if you are really opposed to it. I see it as two fold---

 

a) Content

b) Time

 

My ds11 loves electronics. He knows boys who are allowed to play M games so I thought I was doing ok only allowing T rated games....he has one T that I now regret letting him have....am contemplating taking it away...there are decent games out there, but it seems to me boys gravitate toward the violent ones. I have to insist he not have those.

 

My goal is to limit ds to one hour per day of any electronic....tv, ITouch, computer, PP3. It is hard to keep it to that.

 

I think as with anything it can turn into an addiction....but I wouldn't let that possibility stop me from allowing my son a little electronics into his life. Because in and of itself electronic games are not evil.

[kewb]

The reality is that video games are part of the culture. At age 10 he is chafing at the restriction that no one else has. I am not saying that one should always bow to peer pressure but gaming is very much a part of every day culture. Not knowing or being able to participate in what the other kids are doing or talking about will have social effects and it is something to consider.

 

In our home I restrict access to electronics. When they are at friends houses they follow their friends house rules. This means that sometimes my ds comes home quite wired but it gives us a life lesson to discuss after the effects have worn off.

[Cassy]

My eldest two have had DS's since they were 8 and 6 yo respectively (they're now 12 and 10). We did go through a phase early on when game playing got out of hand, and DS10 in particular got very obsessed and moody. We now only allow video games on Saturday and Sunday afternoons after lunch and finishing before evening meal. We're quite sneaky, as we also often arrange fun activities during those times, so limiting game playing even further :D. During holiday time I'm a bit more relaxed in that they can play during the week, but again only in the afternoons.

 

I'm hoping that they'll all learn how to become self-disciplined with time, and I do believe that a parent imposing discipline in order to teach moderation does help in the long run. DS10, however, does seem to have something of an addictive personality, so I don't really know what will happen there. All we can do as they approach their teenage years is to encourage them in the right direction, and offer them our support and guidance when things go wrong. I don't believe that banning video games altogether is necessarily going to protect them from addiction later, and in the meantime might make them feel like they're missing out on something of vital importance :001_smile:.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Trish]

There's lots of stuff he can become addicted to when he goes off to college. Unfortunately.

 

But if he does reasonable gaming now, perhaps those habits will stick with him later.

[DianeW88]

I've never placed restrictions on video games and my boys honestly aren't obsessed with them. We have a Wii, X-box 360, Kinnect and Game Cube. My boys only play a couple times per week now. And often, I'll will suggest that they play and the response is, "Video games are boring, Mom. It's the same thing over and over." Sure there were times when they played quite a bit, but then I'd just say, "Ok, enough for today. Go play outside."

 

Honestly, the kids I see who have problems are the ones where electronics are forbidden or restricted in their homes. Those are the kids who want to do nothing but play video games when they're at my house. It annoys my son to no end. He's ten now, and he'll play for a little while, but then he wants to move on and do something else. His non-video-game-playing-at-home friends don't.

 

So, yes, I think your concerns are valid and maybe you ought to think of investing in a fun video game system, like Wii or X-box 360 with Kinnect. They have games that are great for the whole family.

[In The Great White North]

We don't have games, we never bought any games, we never will buy any games. Ds never developed an interest in games. He agrees with this:

 

"Video games are boring, Mom. It's the same thing over and over."

 

So, I would say that games were "forbidden or restricted in our home," but he doesn't have a problem with game addictions (in college now.)

 

Not everyone who doesn't drink as a teenager will become an alcoholic in college.

[butterflymommy]

Our rules are-- no VG before 4pm on weekdays. Weekends are open but only if he's done all homeschool lessons and chores from the week earlier.

 

He pays for any games he wants to purchase. We pay him an allowance which he works very hard for. He sometimes earns extra for jobs that aren't part of his normal routine-- like helping bail water out of the basement during Irene.

 

He paid for half his new computer and saved for a year to do so. We paid for the other half since he does need it for school.

 

I gave up the VG fight a long time ago but he has to follow the above rules. He has been obsessed with computers and VG since he was a toddler.

[Ria]

I've never placed restrictions on video games and my boys honestly aren't obsessed with them.

 

Honestly, the kids I see who have problems are the ones where electronics are forbidden or restricted in their homes. Those are the kids who want to do nothing but play video games when they're at my house.

 

I agree totally. The best way to raise someone who knows how and when to play games is to allow access to games, not ban contact with them. It's silly. Some games are really, really fun. What's wrong with having fun now and then?

 

I did place some limitations on game time when my kids were younger...school, chores, and other things came first.

 

We have Wii, XBox, and XBox 360. My kids play once or twice a week. It's just not a big deal around here.

[Garga]

Poptropica.com is a free online game that's lots of fun without violence. In fact, there are lots of light educational elements in it. There have been many times when we're learning something in history that my boys will say, "oh yeah--we saw that on poptropica."

 

If you keep him from games now, then yes, he'll go nuts with them later.

 

Like a PP said, kids who play games a lot, seem to start to get bored with them and then look for other things to do. But at first, they want to play non-stop. It takes awhile to get to the point where you're bored with it! (Years, I'd say!)

 

With all that said, I'd allow him to play games with clear time limits. I think 20 minutes is too small an amount. You barely get into the game and have to stop. It just whets the appetite for more, more, more! If he were playing Poptropica, I'd set the timer for 45 min - an hour. Then, give him a minute to save the game.

 

My MIL got my boys use Gameboys (what came before the DS), and we only allow them to play the gameboys when we're in a waiting room or while I'm grocery shopping. Oh, and they can play them when we're at a restaurant and everyone is done eating, but the grownups want to linger and chat, but the boys are bored.

 

I feel that I have a good balance with it.

 

My exception: when the kids have friends to play, I let them play however long they want, until the friends look bored. And then I shoo them to another activity. Boys seem to truly bond over these games. They're not just "watching a screen." They really get into the game with each other, yelling out what to do next, and taking turns, etc. I think it's an important bonding experience.

[gardenmom5]

I had these same concerns when my older sons were this age. I can look back in retrospect, and see there is a compromise. and needed to be.

 

Games are part of the culture. Not all games are bad, though time should be limited as they can become addictive. (but so can any form of screen time, and it's not limited to teenage boys) It really depends upon the game itself, and that is something we can control when they are young and that will guide them in their selection as they get older.

 

examples of beneficial 'game' playing - a cadet at the AFAcademy had a nifty setup for himself to play flightsimulator. His flying skills as an incoming first year were so high, the academy did a set up for the rest of the cadets. It was a lot cheaper than sending them up in a glider/trainer early in their training.

surgeon's that do laparscopic surgery do better if they play games requiring a joystick.

[H.S. Burrow]

I've never placed restrictions on video games and my boys honestly aren't obsessed with them. We have a Wii, X-box 360, Kinnect and Game Cube. My boys only play a couple times per week now. And often, I'll will suggest that they play and the response is, "Video games are boring, Mom. It's the same thing over and over." Sure there were times when they played quite a bit, but then I'd just say, "Ok, enough for today. Go play outside."

 

Honestly, the kids I see who have problems are the ones where electronics are forbidden or restricted in their homes. Those are the kids who want to do nothing but play video games when they're at my house. It annoys my son to no end. He's ten now, and he'll play for a little while, but then he wants to move on and do something else. His non-video-game-playing-at-home friends don't.

 

So, yes, I think your concerns are valid and maybe you ought to think of investing in a fun video game system, like Wii or X-box 360 with Kinnect. They have games that are great for the whole family.

 

:iagree: This has been our experience as well.

[Wabi Sabi]

 

My exception: when the kids have friends to play, I let them play however long they want, until the friends look bored. And then I shoo them to another activity. Boys seem to truly bond over these games. They're not just "watching a screen." They really get into the game with each other, yelling out what to do next, and taking turns, etc. I think it's an important bonding experience.

 

Absolutely. Myself? I can't stand video games. Really have zero interest in them and it's always been that way. But, I can't deny that it is a large part the culture for many kids. I watch my ds and his best friend playing Mario Brothers and you can just see the bonding over this shared experience. Socially I think it is very important.

 

Personally I think it's no different than sugar, using the internet, drinking alcohol, etc. There are always some people who can't control their usage and it causes problems, but for the vast majority of people it's something that they can regulate. The best way to teach this to your kids is to talk about and model moderation, IMO.

[gardenmom5]

I think 20 minutes is too small an amount. You barely get into the game and have to stop. It just whets the appetite for more, more, more! If he were playing Poptropica, I'd set the timer for 45 min - an hour. Then, give him a minute to save the game.

 

l

just like a board game can take an hour to play, so can an online game.

 

 

Boys seem to truly bond over these games. They're not just "watching a screen." They really get into the game with each other, yelling out what to do next, and taking turns, etc. I think it's an important bonding experience.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: when 1ds was 15, he did game testing. they would even have after hours lan parties organized by the owner. they've had parties at various homes where they had mutliple screens with mulitple players on each screen. these truly are "bonding" moments. we have a young man at church who has extreme anxiety. our's is one of the *VERY* few places he'll go without freaking out. They play computer games.

[Scarlett]

My exception: when the kids have friends to play, I let them play however long they want, until the friends look bored. And then I shoo them to another activity. Boys seem to truly bond over these games. They're not just "watching a screen." They really get into the game with each other, yelling out what to do next, and taking turns, etc. I think it's an important bonding experience.

 

:iagree:

 

To me, it is one of those in moderation issues.....but ds and friends and step brothers love playing games together.

[JennifersLost]

We just have specific times for gaming. My boys are heavily into WOW, so we say they can only play an hour a day on school nights - and that's the extent of their "screen" time pretty much - sometimes we watch tv together. On the weekends they get extended time - 7:30 to 11 pm.

 

The positive side of it is - since they spend Friday and Saturday nights at home on their computers they have no access to partying or alcohol, certainly won't drive drunk, and aren't getting anyone pregnant (unless it's virtually).

 

My oldest now gets to set his own times (he's graduated and is attending college but lives at home) and I feel like he's online too much, but I figure sooner or later he's going to get completely bored and move onto something else.

 

BTW - none of my kids are violent, all are well-mannered, and I expect all will be upstanding members of society.

[Scarlett]

We don't have games, we never bought any games, we never will buy any games. Ds never developed an interest in games.

 

Just curious--do you believe games are wrong in some way?

 

 

So, I would say that games were "forbidden or restricted in our home," but he doesn't have a problem with game addictions (in college now.)

 

Not everyone who doesn't drink as a teenager will become an alcoholic in college.

 

I agree with this.

[Coffeetime]

I would definitely say it is part of the current culture. Doesn't mean you have to give in to it if you are really opposed to it. I see it as two fold---

 

a) Content

b) Time

 

I agree with this. I can't throw in with the "video games are evil" crowd but we seriously limit what games are allowed to be played and how much time is spent on them.

During the school year, the kids are only allowed to play video games on the weekends- and typically they play them with their dad. (I swear, he's worse than the kids! :tongue_smilie: ) Content is vetted on a case by case basis- I don't go by the "ratings" because it varies so much, but so far we have only allowed "E" and a few "T" rated ones.

I think you're correct in that you won't be able to shield him from exposure to video games, especially as he gets older, so IMO it's better to have rules already in place as far as what/when he's allowed to play. :)

[Coffeetime]

 

My exception: when the kids have friends to play, I let them play however long they want, until the friends look bored. And then I shoo them to another activity. Boys seem to truly bond over these games. They're not just "watching a screen." They really get into the game with each other, yelling out what to do next, and taking turns, etc. I think it's an important bonding experience.

:iagree:

Absolutely. Myself? I can't stand video games. Really have zero interest in them and it's always been that way. But, I can't deny that it is a large part the culture for many kids. I watch my ds and his best friend playing Mario Brothers and you can just see the bonding over this shared experience. Socially I think it is very important.

 

Personally I think it's no different than sugar, using the internet, drinking alcohol, etc. There are always some people who can't control their usage and it causes problems, but for the vast majority of people it's something that they can regulate. The best way to teach this to your kids is to talk about and model moderation, IMO.

 

:iagree:

[msjones]

I think the restrictions should depend on the needs of the child.

 

I have one of those, "video games get boring...they're the same thing over and over" kids. He requires little if any intervention to maintain a healthy perspective on the games.

 

I also have a kid who tends toward something of an addictive personality. He loves loves loves playing those games and spends a ridiculous amount of time playing when given no restrictions. So, we have rules to help him be reasonable.

[I.Dup.]

The positive side of it is - since they spend Friday and Saturday nights at home on their computers they have no access to partying or alcohol, certainly won't drive drunk, and aren't getting anyone pregnant (unless it's virtually).

 

A lot of families may not agree with this, but this is how I look at it for my boys as they get older. I'd rather have them home, having fun with their dad or brothers on a video game (and they do bond and have LOTS of fun together) than out partying, drinking, etc. But then in our family, it's hard to limit because dh is such a tech junky and he's fine with the boys playing a lot.

 

My kids play a lot of video games but they are also very active, thin (so weight is not a concern), well rounded.

 

I think a lot of whether or not someone gets addicted has more to do with personality. I have one son who would play 24 hours a day. He's a lot like my dh and I think the fact that he loves games so much has to do with his sensory issues. If we kept him from games his whole life I think he would just start playing a lot when he had access to them as he got older. My other, more athletic son loves to play video games (what kid doesn't) but he's much more balanced with it, he will jump off to go play outside or do something else, whereas my oldest will sit all day (we don't let him sit all day, but he would if we let him!). But like I said, that has more to do with his SN. He has always had a hard time with activity, I suspect he has dyspraxia and a variety of sensory issues. Gaming allows him to be really active and involved without the physical aspect so I can see why he enjoys it so much (weight is not a concern for him either, he's very thin).

[PeacefulChaos]

:bigear:

Yeah, that's me sitting here reading all these replies.

We have a PS3, PS2, N64 (yep, old school), and Sega Genesis (yep, even more old school). We kind of want a Wii and DS7 REALLY wants a DS for Christmas... but idk if it is in the budget anyway.

He (DS7) really likes video games. We only let him play an hour a week...well, actually it's become that he can play on Sunday afternoons until we tell him to stop (usually from like 2ish to 6ish??) but he really seems to get into it and I question if he's a more addictive type, as well. Idk if it would be better to let him play more? But we'd have to get more games...he can't play Lego Star Wars and Avatar THAT much! lol. But I guess like right now I feel like he's SO into being able to do it and I don't know if it would kind of lose its appeal if it wasn't such a big deal. But at the same time, idk if that would just end up with him playing constantly, either. :confused: I'm at a loss...

DS5 will play but he doesn't really care. (DH is a gamer, but he usually only plays after the kids go to bed and/or on weekends). I like some games, but I'm pretty picky. Anyway... any wise words??

[Jane Elliot]

You need to read Boys Adrift, possibly the best book out there specifically about raising boys. (Sorry if someone already mentioned this. I don't have time to read the replies.) The author gives very helpful guidelines and tips on how to deal with games. (He does not advocate getting rid of them altogether.) It's a great book!

 

Incidentally, we have never allowed games (except computer chess) and so far have raised five boys (almost) who do not crave them and who definitely don't feel they missed out. However, they did not have friends who were into games. I think it would have been harder if they had. Personally, I think that letting them play games regularly (not eliminating them) causes the craving and habit. i.e. I think a kid who grows up with games in the home (even if they were controlled) stands a much better chance of going to college and developing an addiction than a kid who never had them in the home. I know that's not a popular view, but it's an observation I've made.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Luann in ID

[3Blessings]

My dh would spend hours with his iphone checking emails and looking at the news, playing games, and otherwise "plugged in" if he didn't have a family to attend to. Men/boys are very visual and are more attracted to T.V., computer, etc. My ds is similar.

 

Thinking about brain plasticity, physical health and young minds, however, I do think that limiting any media is a good thing. I mean limiting content AND time. Some of those games and T.V. shows aren't appropriate for 8-10 yr olds (or even grown men for that matter). Likewise, spending hours "plugged in" at the computer, Wii, or T.V. is not a realistic view of life as an adult.

 

We don't forbid, but we do limit and control viewing of all kinds. My two dd don't need this, but my ds does. One of the ways we help him to organize and prioritize his time is to set up a "viewing economy". For every 20 minutes that he reads (physical activity is not an issue for this one- I'd love for him to sit still for awhile!), that is the amount of viewing he can have (including T.V. and Wii and ipad usage). He usually saves it up and plays on the weekends. I like to hope that this is helping him to see that there is "a time for everything". :tongue_smilie:

 

There was a website that I used last year called "screen time" and it had coupons to give to dc. It got to be too much to remember and I just use a white board in my kitchen to keep track of reading time. It was helpful to start with that.

[ktgrok]

I've never placed restrictions on video games and my boys honestly aren't obsessed with them. We have a Wii, X-box 360, Kinnect and Game Cube. My boys only play a couple times per week now. And often, I'll will suggest that they play and the response is, "Video games are boring, Mom. It's the same thing over and over." Sure there were times when they played quite a bit, but then I'd just say, "Ok, enough for today. Go play outside."

 

 

 

This is our house too. He gets a new game, plays it for several hours a day for a few days, then doesn't play video games at all for weeks. Then plays a few times a week, etc. Right now his xbox hasn't been unpacked from when he had it at his dad's this past weekend. That isn't unusual for him. He just started playing minecraft on the computer, and he was playing more than I like, so I made sure to send him outside to play. And the newness wore off, as i knew it would. He hasn't played in a few days now.

 

It CAN be additive, but it doesn't have to be.

[ktgrok]

:bigear:

Yeah, that's me sitting here reading all these replies.

We have a PS3, PS2, N64 (yep, old school), and Sega Genesis (yep, even more old school). We kind of want a Wii and DS7 REALLY wants a DS for Christmas... but idk if it is in the budget anyway.

He (DS7) really likes video games. We only let him play an hour a week...well, actually it's become that he can play on Sunday afternoons until we tell him to stop (usually from like 2ish to 6ish??) but he really seems to get into it and I question if he's a more addictive type, as well. Idk if it would be better to let him play more? But we'd have to get more games...he can't play Lego Star Wars and Avatar THAT much! lol. But I guess like right now I feel like he's SO into being able to do it and I don't know if it would kind of lose its appeal if it wasn't such a big deal. But at the same time, idk if that would just end up with him playing constantly, either. :confused: I'm at a loss...

DS5 will play but he doesn't really care. (DH is a gamer, but he usually only plays after the kids go to bed and/or on weekends). I like some games, but I'm pretty picky. Anyway... any wise words??

 

For my son he plays a lot the first few times playing a new game, then tapers off quickly. If you son can only play once a week maybe the newness is never wearing off?

[FrogMom5]

I think the restrictions should depend on the needs of the child.

 

I have one of those, "video games get boring...they're the same thing over and over" kids. He requires little if any intervention to maintain a healthy perspective on the games.

 

I also have a kid who tends toward something of an addictive personality. He loves loves loves playing those games and spends a ridiculous amount of time playing when given no restrictions. So, we have rules to help him be reasonable.

 

:iagree: With my oldest, I restricted him and he wanted it more. Once he was older, I relaxed and let him play. He plays a bit and then becomes bored. My younger ds, I started out more relaxed w/him and he's so addicted. We have strict rules on when, what and how much he can play. It's kid dependent and it can also be age dependent. If they don't start at a young age, they learn to do other things for entertainment. Once they're older, the draw might not be so addictive. But, personality plays into it a lot too, so consider both.

Denise

[Lan]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, views and experiences regarding games. My son has addictive personality, which came from my mom's side of family. He loves to read for hours if he has any books with dragon in the story. But he'd also love to play games for hours until his eyes turn red if I let him. He gets all wired whenever he comes back from a family friend's house where there's no restrictions with games. It takes a while to detox the effect, which was another reason why I've been so strict with games.

 

As he gets older, I'd like to give him more freedom and let him learn from trial and error. Hopefully he gets mature and develops healthy attitude toward games even if we have to go through some hiccups.

 

Thanks for recommending the book Luann. I'm heading to amazon.com.

[Trresh]

The only thing my kids have is a DS which is MIA 75% of the time. They're good about losing things.

 

I decided not to buy the gaming systems because I love for my kids to be engaged in creative play. I also want them active. I'd rather see them running around outside than glued to a tv.

Edited September 9, 2011 by Trresh

[ThelmaLou]

I identify with your frustration. I have 5 boys, and we don't have any games (except a couple of "plug in and play" old-fashioned, Pac-Man type games that are only allowed to come out of hiding maybe once per month.)

 

My oldest ds (now 16) used to obsess about playing video games. The more he played at friends' houses, etc... the more he wanted to play. He started losing interest in books and suddenly only had interests in anything that flickers...games, computers, ipods, etc...

 

I'm happy to say that this has mostly passed. He's not remotely interested in video games any more and sees the obsession many of his friends have as immature. He doesn't have a problem with games in general, just the addiction factor that he notices. We have two male adult family members who never quite grew up and their gaming causes real problems in their marriages. Actually, make that one now. My adult nephew has given up all games, but just recently.

 

I'm reading a book with my oldest two boys right now called The Next Story by Tim Challies. I highly recommend it if you're a Christian. It gives great perspective and food for thought on how Christians should/should not engage with technology without being anti-technology. It's very helpful.

 

I'm not anti-technology at all, but I think that we often don't think about how the "medium is the message." The way technology shapes us (not even the content of games, internet, etc...but just the medium itself) is not usually obvious, especially to kids. Change is not always bad, but I want to teach my kids to recognize the dangers inherent in thoughtless consumption of media.