Guys and girls being friends these days. Rambling musings..

[Isabella]

I'm certain that when I was a kid/teenager, we didn't have such open and friendly platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I certainly didn't anyway, but I was shy.

 

With my teens, they call boys or girls their best friends, and truly get along wonderfully. In fact, they say that boys are better friends than girls. :001_smile:

 

I've always thought that platonic friendships between opposite sexes rarely work well, but my girls beg to differ, and tell me so regularly. I have yet to see, though, if the friendships will last past marriage to others, etc, etc.

 

For instance, my 17yo DD classes a 20yr old young man 'A' as her 'best friend'. He actually used to 'like' her, but has since started going out with another friend of dd's. So the g/f 'J', mostly accepts my dd's friendship with 'A', but sometimes she does get a little jealous of the time that they do spend together. Dd lives close to 'A', and 'J' lives 25 mins away. So dd does drop round to his family's house, go out for breakfast with him, etc. As I said, mostly 'J' is fine, and even encourages 'A' to not neglect DD.

 

But, I , really, really feel like telling DD to back off on this guy a little & give him space...I can't see it working out, and I see 'J' & DD falling out perhaps. DD is a possessive kind of girl, not in a terrible way, but she hates to be neglected by friends, so she DOES get a little jealous sometimes that 'A' spends much more time with 'J' than with her. I tell her it's only natural - 'J' is his girlfriend!!

 

I keep thinking how I would have felt if, when I was going with dh, that he was going over to another girls place, taking her out for breakfast, etc. I also try to tell her how she will feel if her boyfriend (when she has one) does the same with another girl. She thinks I'm being a little silly - she sees herself still being best buds with 'A' in their 90's!!:D

 

So, you've got to the end of my ramblings:tongue_smilie:. What do you think of boy/girl platonic friendships - sustainable or limited?

[Impish]

I think there comes a point where a relationship gets serious enough that boundaries are made.

 

I don't know of many, if any wives that would tolerate their dh going out for breakfast, etc with a single woman. Nuh uh.

[Parrothead]

Well back when I worked it was often me and 10-12 guys at a time. For the better part of 10 years there was no romantic interest with any of them. Then along came dh, but that is another story.

 

I was alternately one of the guys, the marriage counselor, the token girl. So I know it can be done. There needs to be some maturity and a few ground rules.

[regentrude]

I'm certain that when I was a kid/teenager, we didn't have such open and friendly platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I certainly didn't anyway, but I was shy.

 

With my teens, they call boys or girls their best friends, and truly get along wonderfully. In fact, they say that boys are better friends than girls. :001_smile:

 

I've always thought that platonic friendships between opposite sexes rarely work well, but my girls beg to differ, and tell me so regularly. I have yet to see, though, if the friendships will last past marriage to others, etc, etc.

 

I absolutely agree with your daughters. I always had male friends, since I was a teenager. I still have male friends (I have been married for 18

years).

As for work, I love working in a male dominated field and make friends among my colleagues.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I was a teen and a college student, I was one of the "guys" which included both girls and guys:lol: We hung out, talked about the meaning of life, played frisbee and even camped together with no hanky panky at all. I dated during that time but he wasn't one of the guys, which is probably why it never worked in the end.

 

Then when I was out of college and working, I worked in a mostly male engineeering firm where again, I was one of the "guys". Many of the men were married, but there was an easy relationship with all co-workers no matter what gender. Then I went to seminary where, you guessed it, I was again "one of the guys";). I dated there too and ended up meeting and marrying my husband. I met him and thought of him first as one of the guys and the romance came later. He's still my best guy friend.:D And we're still both friends with some of our seminary buddies, years later.

[kalanamak]

What do you think of boy/girl platonic friendships - sustainable or limited?

 

Sustainable. I grew up with a pack of brothers, and feel more comfortable around "the average guy" than "the average gal". I've had plenty of women friends, but my oldest friend is a male. His wife has NOTHING to worry about. He is not my type, nor I his.

 

On another thread I mentioned how much I like nurses. Well, after 20 years in the skilled mechanic field, he went to nursing school! We had never discussed it, but I sure slapped my head when I heard. Of Course!

[Isabella]

I absolutely agree with your daughters. I always had male friends, since I was a teenager. I still have male friends (I have been married for 18

years).

 

And does you DH mind you spending time with your male friends? I'm just trying to figure out if friendships, as I define them - where you would enjoy time and activities with them on a reasonably regular basis - have to be limited when partners come on the scene. I just feel that same-sex friendships would typically be much more sustainable long-term than opp. sex.

[Isabella]

Hmmm, I guess what I'm really trying to understand is, not so much if guys and girls can be friendly and enjoy each other's company at work or as friends in family situations, but whether 'exclusive' friendships can be maintained.

 

eg. Many women have a 'best friend' that is a woman, and they'll go shopping together, meet up for coffee, spend time at each other's houses without thinking at all about what people would think, or without anyone getting put out. But is it possible to have this kind of relationship with a guy. I just can't picture respective dh's & dw's being fine about it.

 

I guess what was mentioned about boundaries being set, is probably the way it could be maintained - but then, the level of involvement is necessarily going to be less than it was at first.

[elise1mds]

I had one male friend who was one of my very best friends all through high school. We never dated, but we went out on weekend nights together, without anyone else along. Sometimes we went Dutch, sometimes he insisted on paying, but we were never a couple. I taught him to drive a standard transmission car and talked him into taking tae kwon do; he listened for hours when I needed to vent. We continued to hang out even when we had our separate boyfriends/girlfriends, and it worked well enough for us. Things did change when we graduated. He went to college out of state, and I got married (unexpectedly). He dropped by my apartment one day to invite me to a frat party at his college - he was going to take me up and bring me back home - and I graciously declined because I felt that going out of state with him would have been disloyal to my husband. That surprised him; he never did ask again, and after that, things changed. We're still friends but definitely not at the level of our teenage relationship. Friendships evolve. They have to.

[regentrude]

And does you DH mind you spending time with your male friends? I'm just trying to figure out if friendships, as I define them - where you would enjoy time and activities with them on a reasonably regular basis - have to be limited when partners come on the scene. I just feel that same-sex friendships would typically be much more sustainable long-term than opp. sex.

 

Actually, most of my guy friends are friends with DH as well. (For many years, we vacationed as three people: I, DH (my then-boyfriend), and our best friend - our honeymoon was the first time that we went somewhere on our own). But yes, if I was going rock climbing with the guys and DH could not join us, he would not bat an eyelash.

 

Btw, my best female friend whom I have known for over 30 years would not fall into your definition of "regularly spending time and activities" - I see her once a year if I am lucky, because she lives overseas. Nevertheless, we are very close.

[Peela]

I am watching my teens go through this too and really they do seem to be able to be friends with lots of people at once, both male and female. They have wide, diverse social circles.

My dd17 doesn't really want to be "possessed" by one guy who wont let her see all her other male friends or even chat to them at parties- it was the cause of her two relationship breakups so far. She is really a social butterfly.

They learn as they go. I think my dd17 was a bit the same as yours, Isabella, in that she really wanted to stay close to her male friends, even exboyfriends, while they enter relationships with other girls. One of her exes, the first one, is good friends, and even shares his relationship upsets with her- confides in her. But they dont see each other so often any more and she doesnt expect him to make time for her- it just happens as it happens. The other wouldn't talk to her for 6 months after their breakup, even though they saw each other weekly at gymnastics- and only now will talk to her. So she is learning...not everyone can "handle" things the way she can.

I dont think there is much you can do except keep talking- they do have to make mistakes on their own. I like that they have such big social circles and can be friends with so many people. I think both my kids prefer that to being alone and intense with one partner too much.

[JeneralMom]

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex, and I would have absolutely no problem with DH going out to breakfast with a single woman. Why would I? He is trustworthy and so am I.

[catz]

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex, and I would have absolutely no problem with DH going out to breakfast with a single woman. Why would I? He is trustworthy and so am I.

 

:iagree: This happens on a fairly regular basis around here. We were older when we married (29 & 37) and we had a wide and varying circle of friends. I have only one sibling - a brother very close in age. So I grew up with lots of male friends.

[Isabella]

Btw, my best female friend whom I have known for over 30 years would not fall into your definition of "regularly spending time and activities" - I see her once a year if I am lucky, because she lives overseas. Nevertheless, we are very close.

 

I think she'd fall into my definition of enjoying time together on a reasonably regular basis. Yearly is regular, and you probably enjoy time emailing/chatting by phone etc in the meantime if you are very close.:)

 

Yeah, so perhaps it's possible, it seems. I do trust my husband implicitly, but I still would be a little put out with his enjoying the company of another female as much as my company. Not that this is about him or me:D

 

Yes, I agree that friendships of any type evolve over the years as situations and circumstances change. And what we believe to be completely true at 17 years old can be so different to what we believe when we are 40!! Who'd want to be held accountable for what we strongly upheld when we were young!:lol:

 

Agreed, too, Peela, on the importance of keeping talking with them, therefore, I probably won't tell her I think she should back off, but let the friendships evolve as they do. I just cringe when she gives him a poem she wrote for his birthday, saying that she relies on him for everything, and will always do so. But I'm still a reserved person, where she wears her heart on her sleeve:001_smile:

 

Thanks for your perspectives - was interesting to hear your views!

Edited August 19, 2011 by Isabella

[swellmomma]

My best friends have always been guys. Even now I get along better with men. As teens I do not think there is harm in having good friends of the opposite sex. It is different once people start getting married and such but as teens, as long as all parties are fine no biggie. The last time I had a best guy friend things were completely platonic, he was even my labour coach for when I had ds7, even though he is in no way related to ds. We lost touch when he moved away to start a new job. His girlfriend back then didn't care if we hung out. I no longer had a husband so that was not a consideration.

 

In the instance the OP mentioned I think the issue lies with the g/f. Your dd and this boy were friends well before the g/f entered the picture right? So why should they abandon a tried and true friendship because of a jealous little girl? As teens the friendship has a better chance of surviving than the relationship does so why should the two of them lose a great friend over the current girl. If he was married to the girl I can see her not wanting him to hang out with a single girl but as young people as long as it is remaining platonic I see no issues.

[Annie G]

My 19 year old has had a longtime best friendship with a boy. The downside I see is that neither have dated since becoming best friends because their other friends either think they are really more than friends (they aren't) or that their friendship leaves no room for a boyfriend/girlfriend. Both dd and her friend want to date- have been looking for a special someone. I think lots of potential dates are scared off because of this friendship. Many kids their age just can't grasp how their friendship works.

And for the record, my dh has a great friend who is a female. They occasionally go to lunch together- and I don't mind a bit. She's a great person and she and I know each other- but we aren't close friends like she and dh are.

[justamouse]

I have dear friends who are men that I still see. I see their wives now, too, and I love it. Dh is secure.

[angela in ohio]

We had "our group" that was made up of a half dozen girls and a half dozen or so guys. We wer elinked by one couple who dated and a guy and girl who were cousins. We did everything together, and we had very close platonic friendships between guys and girls.

 

I don't think super-serious teen relationships are all that great, so I don't see the correlation between how a dating girl would feel and how a wife would feel about a male/female friendship. Something can be perfectly fine in a dating situation that will not be okay with a married couple.

[mom31257]

I always had guy friends. In fact, I preferred them because girls could be so mean and undependable. I have good girlfriends now, and I wouldn't have a friendship with a man. I would not feel it would look appropriate even though it would be.

[katilac]

I think the question you really want answered is "Should I tell my dd to back off a bit?" and my answer to that is no, you should not. They're all old enough to make their own decisions and/or mistakes.

Edited August 19, 2011 by katilac
clarity

[NanceXToo]

I would never be okay with my husband spending time alone with a female "friend." He can have guy friend and we can have couple friends but him hanging out with and/or going out to breakfast with some girl, or something? No way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My friendships with men, while close, were never emotionally intimate. We talked about anything and everything but things of the heart. Once I met dh, what made it different was that we were emotionally intimate and talked about things that really mattered emotionally. I am still friends with men but I make sure that we don't ever veer into conversation that is emotionally intimate. It would be too easy, I think, to start an emotional affair that way.

 

I had one close friend who when he married, his wife was jealous of even our non-emotionally intimate friendship. (I know that term is clunky but I can't think of another term to describe that extra something that I have with dh but not my other guy friends). I backed way off of that friendship for her sake. I think it hurt him a bit but I didn't want to cause any kind of a rift in his marriage.

[LucyStoner]

One of my very best friends is male. We have been like brother and sister since early adolecence. It is totally platonic. We are both married now with children and we see each other a lot, sometimes with our families and sometimes just us. If it is just us, it is often because he is at my work volunteering and we catch up over lunch. But other times, we have gone to dinner together or to see a movie our spouse were not interested in. My husband does not mind. In fact, they sometimes get together just to hang out and play music, sample their homemade beer etc.

 

I have many other male friends, my husband is close to some women. I am only 31 so I think the changes about cross gender friendships were already happening when I was a teenager, especially in the progressive city I live in.

 

My 8 year old son's best buddy is a girl. They have sleep overs and play together a lot. We are friends with her parents and they have a daughter about my younger son's age. I have no plans to stop their sleepovers, even when they are older.

Edited August 19, 2011 by kijipt

[Alphabetika]

I absolutely agree with your daughters. I always had male friends, since I was a teenager. I still have male friends (I have been married for 18

years).

As for work, I love working in a male dominated field and make friends among my colleagues.

 

My 17yo dd's two best friends are 17yo and 21yo guys. She longs for a "girlfriend" but hasn't found one she clicks with. She has always been an "old soul" who thinks very deeply about everything, and she hasn't found a girl who fits this description and wants to be friends. In fact, what she's found in her circles is the opposite. She has very strict boundaries for herself and how she behaves/dresses/talks with guys, especially these two, and their friendships seem to work beautifully.

[tntgoodwin]

I mostly had female friends growing up. I had to stop that once I got married. Now I don’t really have any friends.

[Desert Rat]

I had more friends who were boys than I had girls. They are still my friends. It wasn't until I had children that I started hanging out with females.

[Grover]

I'm another one who had far more male than female friends as a teen. Some of those friendships withered and died when they got married - in some cases at the insistence of their new wives / partners. One of the girl friends asked me straight if I had or had ever had any romantic interest in her man. I guess I answered ok because she's ok with us hanging out (we have a hobby in common that is not her thing at all). I guess of the 6 close friendships I had with males in late teenage years, one I still see at least once a week, one I correspond with regularly and catch up with whenever he's in the country, two are no longer in touch - we exchange Christmas cards but that's it, and one I haven't heard from since the early days of his marriage. (The other one has passed away). I've found I was seen as less of a threat once I was married and children of my own. It may have helped that I'm no one's idea of a "threat" in a romantic sense too. I'm not sure, but I do think it can work out, so long as the friendship evolves as people grow.

 

As a contrast I had two close female friends in those years, one of whom I haven't spoken to in 15 or more years and the other I recently reconnected with (after 12 - 13 years) and have had coffee once.

[Isabella]

Thanks for your perspectives, everyone. :001_smile:Quite interesting really that it's a mix of yes, m/f close friendships can & should be sustainable, and no, they are limited as significant others come along, which is the way I see it. But, as with everything - to each his own. I think it's quite a sweet idea, certainly not against it, but I just don't see that it's quite possible. But obviously is a reality and quite possible for some.

 

I think the question you really want answered is "Should I tell my dd to back off a bit?" and my answer to that is no, you should not. They're all old enough to make their own decisions and/or mistakes.

 

No, I really didn't need this to be answered. I just feel my way with saying things like that to my dd. I realize I can't control her life. She's a different person than me, and for her it might work. I was really just wondering if others thought it actually *could* work as my girls think it will and should. I guess time is the only thing that will really tell for them.;)

[Mary in VA]

When I was in hs girls weren't pals with guys. I don't know about the sustainablity of the friendships, but I think it is a good thing. It teaches girls and guys to look at each other as potential friends, instead of putting a romantic spin on everyne of the opposite sex they meet. Seems healthy to me. Both my dds (21 and almost 17) have good friendships with guys.

 

Mary

[Haiku]

I was always better friends with guys when I was a teenager. Your dds are right that guys tend to make better friends to girls than girls do, at least at that age. They don't tend to cause and feed the drama that girls do, and they tend to be nicer ... girls that age can be catty and mean.

 

I still have several close male friends. One lives around the block and is a big part of my family's life. I've known him for 21 years.

 

Were I you, I would stay out of it and let dd pick her own friends. The American obsession with sex and the idea that all opposite-sex relationships are doomed to become romantic is not realistic. Regardless of Harry telling Sally that guys and girls can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way, it doesn't really work that way. I have talked to many guys about that. The only ones who have agreed with it are the ones who tend to be ... um ... more liberal in their ideas about sleeping around.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

 

I don't know of many, if any wives that would tolerate their dh going out for breakfast, etc with a single woman. Nuh uh.

 

I guess we are a weird family. My dh has two female friends from college, one married, one single, that he maintains friendships with. I would have zero problem with him going out with either of these women. One of them, who lives in another state but comes to visit her parents once a year, comes to stay with us overnight when she's "home." My boyfriend from when I lived overseas came to stay with us for 10 days last fall. My boss at my last job was a long-standing male friend ... we had to travel for the job and were sometimes gone overnight together. None of this has caused any problems. My dh and I chose each other, not these other people we are friends with.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

I still would be a little put out with his enjoying the company of another female as much as my company.

 

Does your husband enjoy the company of his male friends as much as he enjoys your company? I'm guessing not. It's the same idea with a female friend.

 

I just cringe when she gives him a poem she wrote for his birthday, saying that she relies on him for everything, and will always do so.

 

That's an extremely teenaged thing to do. Nothing to worry about.

 

Tara