justamouse Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I watch a child of a friend for FREE for a few hours a week. I would say 6-8 hours a week. No real biggie. Normally Dad picks kid up, I have kid fed (supremely picky, he eats a lot of PB&J here) and off they go. Tonight Mom, the friend calls and tells me she'll be there to pick him up. I had a day full of guests. Aunt, Uncle, two cousins, Mom, and a wee one. then my brother came over, dropped some stuff off and I asked him *yesterday* to stay for dinner since what he did was so nice. The mom of kid stops in, my brother was just getting chicken off the grill and Friend lingers. And I start feeling guilty because I am not inviting her for dinner. And she is still lingering, and now my guilt is just huge. If I had planned on her coming, I would have had more food, but she came about an hour earlier than her Dh and, like I said, I hadn't planned on it. I feel wretched. Really. Horrible. And as they are leaving, she says, "Enjoy your dinner!" and kid says, "Where are we eating?". She answers she doesn't know. NOW, these people are NOT needy. They just came back from a vacay in Fl, and a two week cruise in the Mediterranean. But I still feel guilty. Should I apologize? Should I ask her to dinner to make it up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Chances are good (imo) she just enjoyed seeing you & accidentally stayed too long. I bet dinner never occurred to her & if she realized how it looked, she'd be mortified. At least...if *I* am hanging out at your house at dinnertime, that's what I'm (not) thinking. Eek! I just honestly forget that this looks this way. (By the same token, if someone's hanging around my house at dinnertime, it would probably get pretty awkward before it would occur to me to invite them to stay.) :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Chances are good (imo) she just enjoyed seeing you & accidentally stayed too long. I bet dinner never occurred to her & if she realized how it looked, she'd be mortified. At least...if *I* am hanging out at your house at dinnertime, that's what I'm (not) thinking. Eek! I just honestly forget that this looks this way. (By the same token, if someone's hanging around my house at dinnertime, it would probably get pretty awkward before it would occur to me to invite them to stay.) :001_huh: This is so me. It only takes me a couple hours after the fact to figure out what I should have done earlier (either leave or invite guests to stay if I'm at home). Oh well. Glad to hear I'm not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Chances are good (imo) she just enjoyed seeing you & accidentally stayed too long. I bet dinner never occurred to her & if she realized how it looked, she'd be mortified. At least...if *I* am hanging out at your house at dinnertime, that's what I'm (not) thinking. Eek! I just honestly forget that this looks this way. (By the same token, if someone's hanging around my house at dinnertime, it would probably get pretty awkward before it would occur to me to invite them to stay.) :001_huh: I hope so. I really hope so. No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. In a way I know this, but it doesn't make me feel any better. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. She speaks the truth! If it would make you feel better, simply call her and say you were caught off guard when she came early and feel badly that you didn't have the food prepared to offer her/kids anything. Frankly, since you watch the kid for free, I see NO reason for you to feel guilty over this. She could offer to bring you dinner or something once in awhile..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. You watch her child for free. That doesn't mean you have to feed her family if she picks up while you are preparing food. If she was dropping off YOUR child, having watched him for free..... Yes, it would be nice. IF...IF...IF... You had enough, nothing wrong with inviting her. But, if you were a paid sitter, you wouldn't be expected to feed her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I think it is very sweet that you feel guilty, but I certainly don't think you should. At all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. You watch her child for free. That doesn't mean you have to feed her family if she picks up while you are preparing food. If she was dropping off YOUR child, having watched him for free..... Yes, it would be nice. IF...IF...IF... You had enough, nothing wrong with inviting her. But, if you were a paid sitter, you wouldn't be expected to feed her. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. I agree. You are watching her child for free. She should be bringing you dinner. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I'm with the people who say she was probably not even thinking about dinner. I'm like that. I can totally see myself picking up my kid, having fun chit-chatting, and then sitting in the car on the way home thinking, "Oh dear! My friend was trying to get dinner ready, and I was taking up her time chit-chatting! I should have made a quick exit! I feel so guilty! I hope she didn't think I was trying to get a free meal out of her! How awkward. Maybe I should call her and explain...." That would be me. So, in your case, just let it go. You didn't do anything rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Reading these is making me feel better. I keep telling myself that you all are right. I'm going to try to let this go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynyel Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You know if it would make you feel better you could shoot her a quick email saying... Oh my goodness I am so sorry I didn't have time for you when you picked up dc, maybe you can plan on picking up dc in the future and we can have coffee... or some such thing. I would probably feel guilty if I was you as well. I have done the same thing before when people unexpectedly drop in and I didn't buy enough of whatever to feed all of them. However you (huh an me) should fell guilty in those cases. If we know before hand we can prepare. I used to do that as well for the neighbor kid. She would come over after school and play, I knew that and always had extra juice boxes and snacks on hand. Anyway, rambling here. You aren't alone :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Maybe she was hoping to stay for dinner-- it probably smelled good! But if I had been you, and I have been in this situation often, because I am not a cook who cooks more than is needed as far as I know, and I'm not a very organized cook at all, I would have said something like, "I'm so sorry I can't invite you to stay! If I had only realized that you'd be coming at dinnertime, but I really don't have enough food for 2 more! Sorry! Hope I can have you over another time!" and walk towards the door with her, smile, and off she goes. Done. Awkward, yes, but at least I don't have to feel guilty about it later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
staceyobu Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You watch a kid for FREE six to eight hours a week? And not because they are desperate for childcare and can't afford it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Friend lingers. And I start feeling guilty because I am not inviting her for dinner. And she is still lingering, and now my guilt is just huge. Should I apologize? Should I ask her to dinner to make it up? apologize for what? babysitting her kid for free? feeding her supremely picky eater dinner on a regular basis? You do NOT owe her an apology for not feeding her dinner. If you want to host a dinner for her in the future "to make it up to her" you certainly can, but do not feel obligated to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 FWIW I'd feel exactly the same way you do, I have in fact, in similar situations in the past. I'd also realise that it was rather irrational to worry about it, which I think you do too, and I'd refuse to allow myself to dwell on it. Even if she had felt a little put out, which would have been totally unjustified in the circumstances, people do get over these things. Your consistent kindness over a long period of time should far outweigh any minor grievances. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Woman, you joined the right religion. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Chances are good (imo) she just enjoyed seeing you & accidentally stayed too long. I bet dinner never occurred to her & if she realized how it looked, she'd be mortified. At least...if *I* am hanging out at your house at dinnertime, that's what I'm (not) thinking. Eek! I just honestly forget that this looks this way. (By the same token, if someone's hanging around my house at dinnertime, it would probably get pretty awkward before it would occur to me to invite them to stay.) :001_huh: This is a good description of me. Justamouse, now *I* feel guilty wondering how many other people I have caused to feel guilty... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. :iagree::iagree::iagree: l have too much experience with this. It was RUDE of them to linger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 No. Frankly, I think she was rude to linger. She saw you had guests, she should have made a speedy exit. :iagree:with this. I would have picked up and made a hasty retreat. However, I can see what others have said about some people wouldn't have been thinking about the food and are just social. Perhaps she was just enjoying being around your family, didn't want to just go home and be with herself and child. It is so generous of you to watch and feed her child for free. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 No, you should not feel guilty or ask her to dinner. You already keep her child for free and feed him. That is enough. She should not encroach further on your good graces.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Absolutely not! She was rude to linger. You are being so nice for offering that much FREE childcare weekly. Especially if you are regularly feeding her child. She was probably just enjoying herself and the time got away. But don't feel guilty AT ALL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 She is your friend. Is she really the type of person that you think would linger in hopes of guilting your into an invite? Probably not. I mean, I hope not anyway. I think you're making a bigger deal out of the situation than needs be. Don't be so hard on yourself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) Reading these is making me feel better. I keep telling myself that you all are right. I'm going to try to let this go. I am very good at perseverating over things that are not about me and are not my fault. You were not expecting her, you were not prepared, she was even early. You were feeding your brother. I do that often, myself. My brother is very helpful to me. He's not married, not a cook, and I know he enoys being fed. lol If I happen to be grilling him a steak and someone stops by to say Hi!, how is feeding my brother a problem, kwim? This is special for my brother, who has been helping me. It's not me being rude to the person I was not expecting. I get that you're never going to feel OK about situation like this, even though she was the 'rude' one, whether she realized it or not. (And not because she lingered, I get how that can happen with chit chat. It was her comment to her child that sits a bit uneasy with me.) Her intent was probably not to make you feel bad. She wasn't thinking. That is frustrating, but yet it seems pretty straighforward to me; I am picking up my child after work, I am not being invited to a party/for supper. You weren't wrong at all. But you're not the kind of person who is going to feel fine with it. It's frustrating when people are obtuse, but I would say there is no harm done here. Edited July 28, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 (edited) This is a good description of me. Justamouse, now *I* feel guilty wondering how many other people I have caused to feel guilty... Chit chat...of course that happens. But I am thinking you probably wouldn't tell your child in front of me you didn't know what he was going to eat. That little part left me uneasy, not the chatting beforehand. I am one who really enjoys feeding folks, but it's difficult to be caught off guard by unexpected guests. I've done that mental math in my head...if I break the ears of corn in half, make the burgers smaller, or defrost that fish (how long in the microwave...?) I think we have enough. It's never comfortable. I would not do that to someone else. Edited July 28, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookfiend Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Reading these is making me feel better. I keep telling myself that you all are right. I'm going to try to let this go. I think you wouldn't feel guilty if you had just given voice to your emotions/embarassment at the moment. It seems she is a good friend. Next time, just say what is happening. "I would love to be able to invite you for dinner, but my table is full with visiting family. I need to finish getting things prepped. Let's catch up over coffee next week." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I think it is very sweet that you feel guilty, but I certainly don't think you should. At all. I 100 % agree with Tangerine. It's sweet of you to be concerned, but misplaced. I think proper etiquette is for your friend to say something like, "oh, we're out of your way! Thanks for taking care of (kid)!! Have fun! See you soon!" That's what she should have done. Not linger and make you feel weird. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 You will make a good Catholic :D Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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