Advice please...MIL visit & dd's meds. LONG

[Alenee]

My MIL is coming for her one week/year visit tomorrow evening and I'm beginning to stress a bit. DD 9 is on an anti-anxiety med and a vitamin supplement to help her sleep. Both of these go completely against my MIL's medical philosophy. She's in training to become a homeopath and is totally against most western medicine, with the exception of acute issues. She has already stated that while she's here, she wants to interview my kids to find their constitutional remedy. :glare: This is her way, in her words, of getting to know my kids better. I could go on a rant about her self-centeredness and say that is she just listened to them and spent time with them, she would know them! GAHHHH

 

I've always had a problem with boundaries when it comes to her. It's a love/hate relationship, really. I fall in the middle when it comes to medicine and am currently trying to get an appointment with a naturopath (she doesn't agree with naturopathy) to have dd tested for behavioral allergies.

 

Here's my problem. Last year, when dd just started her meds, I wasn't ready to deal with MIL on the issue, so while she visited, we had dd come to our room at night to take her meds in private. I just don't want to do that again, however, I also don't want to deal with the conversation when it comes up. "Why is she on meds?" I will be in CA for four of the days she's here so dh will have to deal with her for the most part, but even he doesn't much like his own mother. He's never been good about being assertive with her. And it's not like she's loud about her opinions. She's very quiet, calculated, weird, passive aggressive. And dh and I are the perfect specimens to fall prey to the anxiety she can cause. That boundaries issue!

 

What I really want is to be able to just "be" about it and allow whatever it will be, to just happen naturally. However, as you can see, my anxiety is getting the best of me and even as I type this, I'm not breathing well. Ick! Help!

 

What would you do, WITHOUT causing a huge blow-up? All I can see happening is me allowing it to come out, then dealing cautiously with the result. And then she'll be gone for another year. :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, it would be nice to just "be" about it, but that's not the reality. The reality is that your MIL is crossing boundaries and you and your dh are letting her. If you can't tell her, "No" then you need to do the next best thing and have your dd take her medicine in private for 1 week. That won't hurt her. It will hurt her if you give in and allow your MIL to undermine your authority, make her question her medicine or in worst case scenario, stops taking it.

[Remudamom]

Put your big girl panties on and tell it's not open for debate. And if she can't deal with that she can stay home. And if you or the kids don't want to be interviewed then that's not going to happen either.

[newlifemom]

None of her business. I would [at least in theory, as I am not in this situation] let her know that she is free to play with the kids and love them and read to them, buy them ice cream, whatever, but no health appts of any kind. They have a wonderful physician that you and dh are quite happy with and said physician is helping you to take care of all their physical needs. Gma needs to take care of their need for a gma and nothing else. I would continue with the medicine in pvt as it is really none of her business.

 

[Ok, so I am still in the throes of pms and this may sound a bit extreme . . .:tongue_smilie:]

 

:grouphug:

[Joanne]

Put your big girl panties on and tell it's not open for debate. And if she can't deal with that she can stay home. And if you or the kids don't want to be interviewed then that's not going to happen either.

 

This, pretty much.

 

You are not responsible for a person's reaction to healthy boundaries. I'd give her these options:

 

1) You can come, not "interview" the kids for their types, and keep your mouth absolutely shut about the medication.

 

2) Stay home.

 

3) Go home if you violate #1.

[SonshineLearner]

Ok, not that you want to hear it... but my totally mainstream... well... mainstream in regards to anything "weird" mom has seen the whole "constitutional whatever" work in regards to the fact that she was taking the wrong supplement. I would have her try it; then would say that I'd follow up with someone local and see where it goes. I wouldn't commit to using it, but if you just allow it.. she won't be antsy to try it "behind your back". Perhaps you'll find it interesting!!

As far as meds, you say "We're trying it, and will be open to trying something else if it doesn't work".... and go on... I know that as a gma she's just dying to try the homeopathic for your kids because she's found something she believes in and just maybe... you'll agree if you see it. It's almost like unquenchable thirst. Just a thought to give her a kiss... a thankyou... and a maybe later... instead of stomping on her big toe and telling her to stop. Just a thought. :)

[Jennifer3141]

This, pretty much.

 

You are not responsible for a person's reaction to healthy boundaries. I'd give her these options:

 

1) You can come, not "interview" the kids for their types, and keep your mouth absolutely shut about the medication.

 

2) Stay home.

 

3) Go home if you violate #1.

 

This. And this is your children's GRANDMOTHER. I have a really hard time with anyone who wants to be a medical "professional" treating their own family. Use that excuse. It's unethical. End of story.

 

I'm mainstream with modern medicine but crazy hippy when it comes to nutrition so there's my own bias in this too.

 

You need your big girl panties on this and you need your DH to fall into step with you BEFORE your MIL arrives.

[Alenee]

I wish I could totally capture all of my issues in words but it's difficult, so please bear with me if this sounds all over the map.

 

Remudamom, Newlifemom, Joanne...totally agree. Just need to find the gumption!

 

Nayfiesmama- See I'm not opposed to the remedy thing. I've been dealing with it for 15 years. I think what most upsets me are two things: 1. Can't she just be a part of the family w/o making nearly every conversation about either herself (Which is why she really doesn't know my kids) OR about finding a stinkin' remedy for every.single.possible.thing? 2. That she doesn't ASK me or dh if she it would be alright!

 

That last one is where she really steps on my toes and I KNOW I allow it. I'm working on this with other people and have found great success as of late, speaking my mind with grace. I guess it's just that I know my dh doesn't want to even deal with her, let alone deal with a conflict that I cause.

 

Lastly, I know I need to pray over this. And I will start now. I just really hate when I know there could be conflict. I want it all to go smoothly and just have one big happy family! :lol:

[Alenee]

This. And this is your children's GRANDMOTHER. I have a really hard time with anyone who wants to be a medical "professional" treating their own family. Use that excuse. It's unethical. End of story.

 

I'm mainstream with modern medicine but crazy hippy when it comes to nutrition so there's my own bias in this too.

 

You need your big girl panties on this and you need your DH to fall into step with you BEFORE your MIL arrives.

 

Dh specifically took the four days off from work that I'll be out of town, in his words, "to protect the kids from her." She really is a great lady underneath her *ways* and I firmly believe she has no clue how offensive she is or how self-centered she is. This is where I find frustration. I want to set boundaries. I really do. I want to do it in a way that still shows good manners though.

[Jennifer3141]

Carli, if your DH is going to be there for this visit, then your DH needs to be the one to set the boundaries. Use medical ethics as your excuse if you need to but set boundaries at the very beginning.

 

Joanne doesn't mean MIL hits the door and you declare your proclamations like you are reciting probationary rules or something.

 

I'd have you and DH sit down with MIL at the very first cup of coffee, tea, or whatever and say something, "MIL, we're all thrilled you are here but we need you to know that our children's health issues are not up for discusion with you. We've got medical professionals we trust involved in our lives and we simply want you to enjoy being a grandmother this week."

 

If she objects, tell her you think it's unethical for family to try to treat family in a medically profesional manner.

It's the same as if MIL were a pediatrician. Of course if a child breaks a leg in front of her, she's ok to treat the kid until emergency help arrives but that's completely different from sitting down and doing a physical and going through medical history which is what a good homeopath should do. that's just creepy to treat your own family.

 

Talk about what to do if MIL goes behind your backs and openly defies you with your DH ahead of time so if the absolute worst comes to pass, you are ready. Speak your minds from the get go and let her do what she will. As long as you and DH are set about consequences, you'll be ok.

 

And come back and rant when you need to in order to get through this visit!! :D

[newlifemom]

Carli, if your DH is going to be there for this visit, then your DH needs to be the one to set the boundaries. Use medical ethics as your excuse if you need to but set boundaries at the very beginning.

 

Joanne doesn't mean MIL hits the door and you declare your proclamations like you are reciting probationary rules or something.

 

I'd have you and DH sit down with MIL at the very first cup of coffee, tea, or whatever and say something, "MIL, we're all thrilled you are here but we need you to know that our children's health issues are not up for discusion with you. We've got medical professionals we trust involved in our lives and we simply want you to enjoy being a grandmother this week."

 

If she objects, tell her you think it's unethical for family to try to treat family in a medically profesional manner.

It's the same as if MIL were a pediatrician. Of course if a child breaks a leg in front of her, she's ok to treat the kid until emergency help arrives but that's completely different from sitting down and doing a physical and going through medical history which is what a good homeopath should do. that's just creepy to treat your own family.

 

Talk about what to do if MIL goes behind your backs and openly defies you with your DH ahead of time so if the absolute worst comes to pass, you are ready. Speak your minds from the get go and let her do what she will. As long as you and DH are set about consequences, you'll be ok.

 

And come back and rant when you need to in order to get through this visit!! :D

 

This! :D

[Alenee]

Thank you, Jennifer. :grouphug:

 

So, I just got off the phone with the new doctor's office. Appt. is all set for the 21st and I thought to myself, "most of my friends and even my mom know all about dd's issues and know I'm trying to figure it out. I'm going to update my fb status." I went ahead and made a status update saying, "Finally found a new doctor that I think will help make a real difference for dd."

 

What's the word I'm looking for? Doing it that way? I can't think of what it is but nevertheless, this will actually help me speak my mind when MIL visits because it's 'out there' now. She's going to ask right out once she sees that and that will give me the opening to speak clearly and boldly...I hope. Crappy of me, maybe. But I need all the help with her that I can get!

[StephanieZ]

I think giving her medicine in private is the best solution. In fact, I'd suggest giving it to her in private whenever anyone outside your immediate/intimate family/friends circle is around. There is no reason that every person on the earth needs to know she's taking psychotropic medications. In fact, I can see a lot of harm from it. People gossip. People apply labels. People spread nonsense.

 

So, if I were you, I'd simply make the medicine taking part of some more private routine.

 

That said, of course you will need to draw a line with your inlaws, but I hesitate to give advice b/c I fail in the in-law harmony dept. (I did OK for a decade, then went off the tracks about 8 years ago, lol.)

 

In general, with in-laws, it seems to me that it is wiser to smooth over things (i.e., hide the medicine) than it is to make issues. You want harmony. Don't worry about the fact that she knows nothing about any of you. . . that is just how she is. Let it go. Just smile, pass the bean dip, and keep it superficial. And wait for her to leave.

[merry gardens]

Dh specifically took the four days off from work that I'll be out of town, in his words, "to protect the kids from her." She really is a great lady underneath her *ways* and I firmly believe she has no clue how offensive she is or how self-centered she is. This is where I find frustration. I want to set boundaries. I really do. I want to do it in a way that still shows good manners though.

Since you will be gone for four of the days, your dh (bless his heart) will be the one setting the boundaries. Plus, it's his mom so it's better if the boundary setting comes from him anyway.

 

Does he want to do the meds in the bedroom again this year? If it worked last year and saved you all that confrontation and conflict, I'd do that again.

 

You can set boundaries some other time when you aren't gone. Let dh handle the boundary setting this visit and see how that goes.

[twoforjoy]

If you and your DH are both uncomfortable talking to her about it, but really feel strongly about setting boundaries on this (and I think you are totally right to do so), would writing a polite e-mail or letter setting those boundaries be a possibility? Personally, I don't think that's a cop-out. I think it gets it out there in a way that will both allow you guys to speak your mind without having her steamroll you AND gets it in writing so that it's not one of those things you say and then she just pretends was never said. I'd consider writing her something that lets her know how much you are looking forward to her visit, how much you value her and her relationship with your kids, but that you need to deal with this one specific issue--medical care--within your immediate family only, and that it will not be something you want discussed during the visit.

[Alenee]

Since you will be gone for four of the days, your dh (bless his heart) will be the one setting the boundaries. Plus, it's his mom so it's better if the boundary setting comes from him anyway.

 

Does he want to do the meds in the bedroom again this year? If it worked last year and saved you all that confrontation and conflict, I'd do that again.

 

You can set boundaries some other time when you aren't gone. Let dh handle the boundary setting this visit and see how that goes.

 

Yes, 'bless his heart', poor guy! :lol: But in all seriousness, he relies on me for a lot of this and I will do my best to get that started before I take off. She'll be here for about 36 hours before I leave and if she's as consistent as she always has been, she'll start in on it as soon as she's unpacked her things.

 

I'm quite curious now, how it will begin, after I posted on fb about the new doctor. MIL has known that dd struggles with certain things all her life. We casually talk about it when she's here. This time however, she actually wants to DO something about it. That's why I know I need to heed the advice of the pps. I NEED to get this boundary thing over with, finally.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm quite curious now, how it will begin, after I posted on fb about the new doctor. MIL has known that dd struggles with certain things all her life. We casually talk about it when she's here. This time however, she actually wants to DO something about it. That's why I know I need to heed the advice of the pps. I NEED to get this boundary thing over with, finally.

 

Carli, if doing this on your FB profile gives you the courage to set better boundaries, then I think that was brilliant! It is definitely an opening gambit...

(Now tell all your FB friends to post "hoorays" and tons of support for you and you can even let them argue with MIL. :D )

I'm kidding. Mostly. :grouphug:

Edited July 11, 2011 by Jennifer3141

[Alenee]

Carli, if doing this on your FB profile gives you the coruage to set better boundaries, then I think that was brilliant! It is definitely an opening gambit...

(Now tell all your FB friends to post "hoorays" and tons of support for you and you can even let them argue with MIL. :D )

I'm kidding. Mostly. :grouphug:

 

You ROCK, Jennifer! :lol::lol:

 

:grouphug: I truly appreciate the encouragement and advice.

[arghmatey]

Put your big girl panties on and tell it's not open for debate. And if she can't deal with that she can stay home. And if you or the kids don't want to be interviewed then that's not going to happen either.

 

Exactly!

 

I can't imagine someone having the nerve to inform me they will perform a medical review of my child. Ha!

 

A completely polite response is, "No, thank you, we have it covered".

Since she is a boundary stomper, she will object. Her way I best, natch. So when she objects, repeat yourself. Will your husband deal with her, or does he leave the dirty work to you?

 

Any elevation of drama in my home is responded to with a delightful game of "I'm better at pleasant verbal combat than you."

 

Mwuhahahahaha!

[texasmama]

Haven't read the other replies...

 

In your shoes I would ask my dh to address this with his mother prior to her arriving. Call her this evening, in other words. Tell him if he doesn't do it, you will. It needs to be addressed before she arrives for your dd's sake. If I made the phone call to MIL, it would go something like this, "I need to speak to you about something that you may not agree with, but I don't want any surprises to come up which cause a negative reaction in front of dd. Dd has been placed on anxiety medications. I know this is against your beliefs, but dh and I have made this decision. We are asking you to respect this and not to discuss it with dd while you are here. The decision is not up for debate. Dh and I respect that you feel differently about these matters than we do. We appreciate your respect in turn regarding this issue. We look forward to your visit with the kids. Oh, dear, the soup is boiling over. See you soon!"

 

Good luck.

[Jennifer3141]

You ROCK, Jennifer! :lol::lol:

 

:grouphug: I truly appreciate the encouragement and advice.

 

Why Carli, I think YOU are pretty awesome too!! :grouphug:

[BamaTanya]

Exactly!

 

I can't imagine someone having the nerve to inform me they will perform a medical review of my child. Ha!

 

A completely polite response is, "No, thank you, we have it covered".

Since she is a boundary stomper, she will object. Her way I best, natch. So when she objects, repeat yourself. Will your husband deal with her, or does he leave the dirty work to you?

 

Any elevation of drama in my home is responded to with a delightful game of "I'm better at pleasant verbal combat than you."

 

Mwuhahahahaha!

 

Do you give lessons? I'd sign up for your class!

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Carli:grouphug:

 

Lots of sympathy, because I so get where you are coming from. I hope your plan works too...Stay strong, set those boundaries and allow yourself and your family to live your lives.

[Mama Geek]

I wish I could totally capture all of my issues in words but it's difficult, so please bear with me if this sounds all over the map.

 

Remudamom, Newlifemom, Joanne...totally agree. Just need to find the gumption!

 

Nayfiesmama- See I'm not opposed to the remedy thing. I've been dealing with it for 15 years. I think what most upsets me are two things: 1. Can't she just be a part of the family w/o making nearly every conversation about either herself (Which is why she really doesn't know my kids) OR about finding a stinkin' remedy for every.single.possible.thing? 2. That she doesn't ASK me or dh if she it would be alright!

 

That last one is where she really steps on my toes and I KNOW I allow it. I'm working on this with other people and have found great success as of late, speaking my mind with grace. I guess it's just that I know my dh doesn't want to even deal with her, let alone deal with a conflict that I cause.

 

Lastly, I know I need to pray over this. And I will start now. I just really hate when I know there could be conflict. I want it all to go smoothly and just have one big happy family! :lol:

 

I would talk to your husband and strongly encourage him to deal with his mother. This is his job to protect your family from her. If he deals with his mom it will not put added stress on you. Failing that you have to protect your kids and do what is best for them.

[merry gardens]

Exactly!

 

I can't imagine someone having the nerve to inform me they will perform a medical review of my child. Ha!

 

A completely polite response is, "No, thank you, we have it covered".

Since she is a boundary stomper, she will object. Her way I best, natch. So when she objects, repeat yourself. Will your husband deal with her, or does he leave the dirty work to you?

 

Any elevation of drama in my home is responded to with a delightful game of "I'm better at pleasant verbal combat than you."

 

Mwuhahahahaha!

"Boundary stomper" :lol: LOL love that term!

 

One thing I learned about "boundary stompers" (:lol: giggle--see I used that term too now!) is that they don't always recognize that they are crossing boundaries. Seriously, they may innocently think that you just didn't understand them correctly the first, second, third... time they said it. They think that obviously if you had understood them correctly you would agree with them and let them do what they want. Sometimes they need to hear you say that you understand what they are saying before they let something drop.

 

The fact that this grandmother wants to "interview" and do a medical review of her grandchildren tells me that this woman does not interact with the world in a normal way. I learned more about how to deal with my MIL since studying about special education. Here's part of the "diagnosis" I came up with for my own MIL based on my interactions with her over the years: ADHD with possible auditory processing issues, which she covers up by excessive talkativeness and changing the subject if she can't follow the conversation, plus the assumption that everyone experiences the world as she does, with limited understanding of what other people are saying. All that looks like "pushy" in an adult--especially in a MIL! I don't know if that completely fits the op's MIL, but something doesn't seem to be working quite right "upstairs".

[Alenee]

"Boundary stomper" :lol: LOL love that term!

 

One thing I learned about "boundary stompers" (:lol: giggle--see I used that term too now!) is that they don't always recognize that they are crossing boundaries. Seriously, they may innocently think that you just didn't understand them correctly the first, second, third... time they said it. They think that obviously if you had understood them correctly you would agree with them and let them do what they want. Sometimes they need to hear you say that you understand what they are saying before they let something drop.

 

The fact that this grandmother wants to "interview" and do a medical review of her grandchildren tells me that this woman does not interact with the world in a normal way. I learned more about how to deal with my MIL since studying about special education. Here's part of the "diagnosis" I came up with for my own MIL based on my interactions with her over the years: ADHD with possible auditory processing issues, which she covers up by excessive talkativeness and changing the subject if she can't follow the conversation, plus the assumption that everyone experiences the world as she does, with limited understanding of what other people are saying. All that looks like "pushy" in an adult--especially in a MIL! I don't know if that completely fits the op's MIL, but something doesn't seem to be working quite right "upstairs".

 

YES on both accounts. Here's my diagnosis of her: No bonding with her mother whatsoever which led to little, if no bonding with my dh. Anxiety about whether or not she's doing whatever it is, correctly. Her mom had a mental illness. Most likely bi-polar or multiple personality that leads to that anxiety. I do honestly think she is a true genius as well. No one can ever possibly understand her experiences. In a quiet way, she thinks most people are stupid. Has no idea how she presents herself, offensively, to others.

 

This has been my challenge for 15 years. I dreamed of having a great relationship with whoever ended up being my MIL. I can say though that from the moment she met me, she was hugely disappointed. It's taken a few battles and some nasty letters to get to where I can be in the same room with her without stewing over her. I do love her, really I do. And I can perceive that she loves me after all this time. We're just never going to be close and she's never going to fully understand me or dh or the way we've chosen to live our lives and raise our children.

[idnib]

I'm a homeopath...

 

Having your husband set guidelines before she arrives is best (see above), but if you have trouble with that or she transgresses boundaries anyway, tell her that you *know* it's almost impossible for someone to do constitutional prescribing on a member of their own family, as the prescriber is subject to the same miasmatic taint as the patient. That'll get her. :lol:

 

Also, not to nitpick, but don't tell her she's against "western medicine" as homeopathy is German in origin and you'll give her ammunition if she thinks you don't know enough about it.

 

Homeopathy students are notoriously ready to fix everyone and must be vigorously defended against. I may have been overly enthusiastic in my younger days. :lol:

[AuntieM]

Put your big girl panties on and tell it's not open for debate. And if she can't deal with that she can stay home. And if you or the kids don't want to be interviewed then that's not going to happen either.

 

And I would have dh call her and tell her all this on the phone prior to her arrival. If she is not agreeable to your boundaries, no visit. The last thing your dd needs is more anxiety, and it sounds like, unchecked, mil may stir it up for all of you.

 

Then you and put on your slickers and be prepared to let her quiet little passive aggrive comments roll off your back.

 

Sorry you even have to worry about this.

[RanchGirl]

I think it's appropriate to keep your dd's medical issues and medication completely private. I am not sure that posting about it on fb helps set that boundary though. I absolutely would feel comfortable hiding that from mil.

 

I don't know if I would have an extended visit with her if her behavior is so bad that dh has to protect the children from her... Yikes. 2 days max IMO.. Maybe just dinner at a restaurant! Especially With your dd's anxiety issues. Why have her visit at all?

 

I don't know what kind of interviewing she wants to do, but the second she brings it up I would make it clear that it's not going to be allowed, and the visit will have to be cut short if she can't respect your wishes on this. hopefully your dh can convey this firmly!

[Mama Geek]

YES on both accounts. Here's my diagnosis of her: No bonding with her mother whatsoever which led to little, if no bonding with my dh. Anxiety about whether or not she's doing whatever it is, correctly. Her mom had a mental illness. Most likely bi-polar or multiple personality that leads to that anxiety. I do honestly think she is a true genius as well. No one can ever possibly understand her experiences. In a quiet way, she thinks most people are stupid. Has no idea how she presents herself, offensively, to others.

 

This has been my challenge for 15 years. I dreamed of having a great relationship with whoever ended up being my MIL. I can say though that from the moment she met me, she was hugely disappointed. It's taken a few battles and some nasty letters to get to where I can be in the same room with her without stewing over her. I do love her, really I do. And I can perceive that she loves me after all this time. We're just never going to be close and she's never going to fully understand me or dh or the way we've chosen to live our lives and raise our children.

 

I think it would make for an interesting thread for each of us to analyze our MIL's:D

[Alenee]

I'm a homeopath...

 

Having your husband set guidelines before she arrives is best (see above), but if you have trouble with that or she transgresses boundaries anyway, tell her that you *know* it's almost impossible for someone to do constitutional prescribing on a member of their own family, as the prescriber is subject to the same miasmatic taint as the patient. That'll get her. :lol:

 

Also, not to nitpick, but don't tell her she's against "western medicine" as homeopathy is German in origin and you'll give her ammunition if she thinks you don't know enough about it.

 

Homeopathy students are notoriously ready to fix everyone and must be vigorously defended against. I may have been overly enthusiastic in my younger days. :lol:

 

By 'miasmatic taint', are you saying SHE could be suffering with the same issues as dd?

 

She's been against medical doctors for years, unless it's for something like a broken arm. She'll say it outright. :rolleyes: I don't bring it into conversation. Like I said above, I fall in the middle. I think they all (MDs, NDs, and homeopaths) working together, can do great things. I do however, have strong opinions on one over the other as the ONLY way to treat a patient...which is where she and I butt heads. But I digress.

[Alenee]

I think it would make for an interesting thread for each of us to analyze our MIL's:D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

That is, until our kids are grown and we find they're on some message board doing the same things about us!

[Alenee]

I think it's appropriate to keep your dd's medical issues and medication completely private. I am not sure that posting about it on fb helps set that boundary though. I absolutely would feel comfortable hiding that from mil.

 

My friends on fb know dd well...the meds weren't mentioned. Just the fact that I found a new doctor. By doing that, I said it first, but w/o personal confrontation. MIL WILL bring it up, which will then give me my opening. If I tried to have this talk, opening it up first, then it's all on me and I'm the crappy dil she always knew I was. :glare: It may not have been the best choice, but it beats starting out as the confrontational one.

 

I don't know if I would have an extended visit with her if her behavior is so bad that dh has to protect the children from her... Yikes. 2 days max IMO.. Maybe just dinner at a restaurant! Especially With your dd's anxiety issues. Why have her visit at all?

 

This is her once/year visit. She stays FAR too long, yet dh is even more non-confrontational than I am so he doesn't tell her how much it bugs him that she stays for 7-8 days. She doesn't have a lot of money and we don't visit, ever, so she gets it all wrapped up in one visit.

 

I don't know what kind of interviewing she wants to do, but the second she brings it up I would make it clear that it's not going to be allowed, and the visit will have to be cut short if she can't respect your wishes on this. hopefully your dh can convey this firmly!

 

I think that's why he's staying home. If I know him at all, he'll just stay close to her the whole time. He won't say a thing until it begins, then he'll step in and become daddy-bear.

 

Have I mentioned how happy I am that I will miss 4 of the 8 days she'll be here? :D Though I think I'll have to drink a lot of wine while I'm gone just so I won't be consumed by the worry of it all. :lol: When dh found out the timing of her visit (my plane tix were already purchased) he actually almost got mad at me because he'll be stuck with her the whole time. :lol::001_huh::001_huh::lol:

 

It's so ridiculous...the reason for the two different emoticons above.

Edited July 11, 2011 by Alenee

[RanchGirl]

Sounds truly awful... Good luck to you and your kids!

[katilac]

This is not directly related to the m-i-l question, but just to giving meds in general - I would always have dd take her meds in your room, under your supervision. Anti-anxiety meds should be kept well away from all children for safety's sake, and from all visitors for security purposes. They are very popular with recreational drug users of all ages.

 

Plus, taking your meds privately is simply a good habit.

[kalanamak]

 

Here's my problem. Last year, when dd just started her meds, I wasn't ready to deal with MIL on the issue, so while she visited, we had dd come to our room at night to take her meds in private. I just don't want to do that again, .

 

gosh, why not? Seems like the easiest thing to do. If you really won't do this, I, personally, would take it all as a joke. "Oh Mom, you are such a card". The more she protests, the more amused I'd be. This works with many people. I think it befuddles them.

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, it would be nice to just "be" about it, but that's not the reality. The reality is that your MIL is crossing boundaries and you and your dh are letting her. If you can't tell her, "No" then you need to do the next best thing and have your dd take her medicine in private for 1 week. That won't hurt her. It will hurt her if you give in and allow your MIL to undermine your authority, make her question her medicine or in worst case scenario, stops taking it.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[kalanamak]

Y she's never going to fully understand me or dh or the way we've chosen to live our lives and raise our children.

 

I feel this way about most people on earth (that I don't fully understand them), yet manners go a long way in making all tolerable. REading more of this, I still think I'd be inclined to pretend all bad behavior is funny, and laugh without giving an actual reply to her interrogations. Make it "the new you", as my mother used to say.

[Chris in VA]

Hoping everything goes well for you!

 

One small concern I'd have about taking the meds in private (or making a deal out of doing it "secretly") is that I would want to make sure dd didn't get the message that there's something somehow shameful in needing the drugs. It would be totally unintentional on your part, I'm sure--but she might make that leap and feel that. Just guard against it. You may have to explain it to her (dd).

She also may question why her Gma doesn't think it's best, so I'd be ready to reinforce your dd's trust in your decision.

[idnib]

By 'miasmatic taint', are you saying SHE could be suffering with the same issues as dd?

 

She's been against medical doctors for years, unless it's for something like a broken arm. She'll say it outright. :rolleyes: I don't bring it into conversation. Like I said above, I fall in the middle. I think they all (MDs, NDs, and homeopaths) working together, can do great things. I do however, have strong opinions on one over the other as the ONLY way to treat a patient...which is where she and I butt heads. But I digress.

 

Yes, I am exactly stating she could have the same issues. I don't mean in a diagnosable sense as these problems manifest differently in different people. But I do mean she may be looking through a certain lens that makes it almost impossible to select a constitutional remedy for your daughter. Most homeopaths I know, even top level ones who receive patients from all over the world, treat their children for acute matters like bee stings or the flu but send them elsewhere for constitutional prescribing. Outsiders see the patient differently than someone who is the source of certain behaviors or tendencies. In other words, not only is she too close, she may partially be the source of the problem.

 

ETA: Any school worth its salt would tell her this, so either she's not that well-trained or thinks she's somehow immune. Either way I'd be wary. IMHO, of course.

[mom4him]

Ok, different scenario but....same type of issues.

Our middle son and his wife have adopted/guardianship/foster-care 7 children. They parent a lot different than I do. My ds is very ridged. They are very good parents and have done a great job with their dc. I am not so ridged. If things go south for a bit I will take my youngest ds to side talk to him, give him ultimatum if things don't turn around now and give him a chance to turn what ever around. They don't do that. Find those children are theirs to parent and my two are mine.

 

For some time my middle ds would make remarks such as, 'if you would let me take ....... for a couple of weeks you wouldn't have that problem.' At one point he even asked me if he could take my youngest! I said "NO"! but it kept on. Finally I simply looked at him and told him, "God gave you your dc, you have done a great job in raising them, I try to support you in every way I can. God gave us T and M. He didn't place them in your care but in ours." It seemed to take care of most of it. Now when things aren't dealt with in the way they feel it should they just go home.:tongue_smilie: That is ok also.

 

I would simply look you mil in the eyes and tell her, "God gave you your children and you raised them in the manner you felt best. He has also given you ds and me these children and we are raising them in the manner we feel we need to. Do NOT interfere!"

[Alenee]

Yes, I am exactly stating she could have the same issues. I don't mean in a diagnosable sense as these problems manifest differently in different people. But I do mean she may be looking through a certain lens that makes it almost impossible to select a constitutional remedy for your daughter. Most homeopaths I know, even top level ones who receive patients from all over the world, treat their children for acute matters like bee stings or the flu but send them elsewhere for constitutional prescribing. Outsiders see the patient differently than someone who is the source of certain behaviors or tendencies. In other words, not only is she too close, she may partially be the source of the problem.

 

ETA: Any school worth its salt would tell her this, so either she's not that well-trained or thinks she's somehow immune. Either way I'd be wary. IMHO, of course.

 

Maybe, just maybe, I'll have the gumption to bring that gently into conversation... Thank you for your input. :)

[Jennifer3141]

Carli, has your MIL asked/said anything after your FB post???

[Alenee]

No, but she flies in tonight. I have no doubt, it will come up within the next 24 hrs. She can't help herself.

[Jennifer3141]

Oh no! No time for discussion online! Well, now you know for next year. Post on FB a week ahead of time.

 

You got a stash of chocolate? Booze? Anything else you might need? You all set?

[Alenee]

Oh no! No time for discussion online! Well, now you know for next year. Post on FB a week ahead of time.

 

You got a stash of chocolate? Booze? Anything else you might need? You all set?

 

:lol: Yes, actually. My wine stash is all set, and I leave for CA in about 42 hrs. I'm not counting or anything... ;)

[WishboneDawn]

If she objects, tell her you think it's unethical for family to try to treat family in a medically profesional manner.

 

Keeping in mind of curse that she's IN TRAINING. She's nothing close to a medical profesional at the moment. It adds another unethical layer to the mess.

[Jennifer3141]

:lol: Yes, actually. My wine stash is all set, and I leave for CA in about 42 hrs. I'm not counting or anything... ;)

 

There you go. :grouphug:

 

True story about DH and his mom:

 

We see his parents about once every 5 years. DH and I are winos. Not dangerously so or anything, I'm not drunk right now or anything. I swear!

 

Anyway, the night before his mom came last time, DH and I were out at a bar/restaurant and he ordered VODKA "straight up." (He sounded so grown up!! lol)

This glass came to the table and I was sitting there thinking, "WTF? who orders a glass of vodka except a real Russian or something?" And DH grabbed it and very dramtically gulped it down and then GAGGED for what felt like 2 hours. The bar tender sneered at us. To this day, the sight of vodka makes DH queasy.

 

She is annoying but geesh.

 

Go slow and mellow and start earlier than usual and you'll get through it!!

[Alenee]

There you go. :grouphug:

 

True story about DH and his mom:

 

We see his parents about once every 5 years. DH and I are winos. Not dangerously so or anything, I'm not drunk right now or anything. I swear!

 

Anyway, the night before his mom came last time, DH and I were out at a bar/restaurant and he ordered VODKA "straight up." (He sounded so grown up!! lol)

This glass came to the table and I was sitting there thinking, "WTF? who orders a glass of vodka except a real Russian or something?" And DH grabbed it and very dramtically gulped it down and then GAGGED for what felt like 2 hours. The bar tender sneered at us. To this day, the sight of vodka makes DH queasy.

 

She is annoying but geesh.

 

Go slow and mellow and start earlier than usual and you'll get through it!!

 

:lol::lol::lol: In my early 20's, vodka straight-up was my drink of choice! All I can say is, thank God those days are over. Now I'm a more mellow drinker, though I admit, my taste for wine has grown substantially over the last year. I've only had a glass or two before 8pm a couple of times but I'll tell you, it may just happen tonight! :lol:

[Mommy22alyns]

I have to agree... none of her d*mn business. She's not the one raising your daughter, YOU are. Interviewing is over the line. You're allowing your MIL to visit, she needs to allow you to raise your kids as you see fit.