How we talk to little girls...

[Jen+4dc]

Did anyone else see this article:

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp

 

I'm not familiar with the author, but I loved her ideas in this piece.

[kewb]

I did see it. I have always made an effort to praise my dd's brains more then her cute factor.

In all honesty, I find the author's idea of ignoring it totally a little extreme in the opposite direction. Who doesn't like a compliment or two about an outfit or hairstyle we put some thought into?

[Ellie]

In all honesty, I find the author's idea of ignoring it totally a little extreme in the opposite direction. Who doesn't like a compliment or two about an outfit or hairstyle we put some thought into?

In this particular instance, though, this little girl hadn't put her thought or energy into choosing an outfit or a hairstyle. Her mother had. And if it had been the cutest little boy in the entire known world (like, say, my grandson :lol: ), would you compliment him on his outfit or hairstyle? the same way you would a little girl?

[Kathleen in VA]

I try not to compliments looks unless it is obvious someone has gone to a lot of trouble for a special occasion to look nice. In a situation like that, it would seem rude not to at least acknowledge the effort.

 

Praising intellect from time to time is ok, imo, but I think it is best to focus praise on character qualities. I would rather encourage someone to be kind and thoughtful than handsome, pretty or smart.

[Crimson Wife]

I couldn't disagree with this article more. Girls need to hear *BOTH* types of praise so that they don't feel like they are forced to choose between being "smart" and being "pretty". Growing up I had a 1970's era feminist mom who acted like there was something wrong with being a girlie-girl and liking fashion, makeup, etc. I'm glad that she pushed science, sports, etc. but I wish she'd been more tolerant of traditional femininity.

 

The message I want my girls to hear is that they can be brainy AND beautiful. So I'll compliment them on looking cute *AND* for thinking deep thoughts.

[kewb]

Yes, yes I would compliment him the same way. To be totally honest my ds had a bit of a vanity problem during his toddler and early childhood years. I am an equal opportunity complimentor.

[Crimson Wife]

And if it had been the cutest little boy in the entire known world (like, say, my grandson :lol: ), would you compliment him on his outfit or hairstyle? the same way you would a little girl?

 

I do!

[CrossFitMama]

I have complemented little boys lots of times - sure, I know the praise actually goes to their moms most of the time, but they seem to like it. I have 11 year old nephews who also seem to appreciate when I notice/compliment something new about their hair. :)

[plansrme]

I couldn't disagree with this article more. Girls need to hear *BOTH* types of praise so that they don't feel like they are forced to choose between being "smart" and being "pretty". Growing up I had a 1970's era feminist mom who acted like there was something wrong with being a girlie-girl and liking fashion, makeup, etc. I'm glad that she pushed science, sports, etc. but I wish she'd been more tolerant of traditional femininity.

 

The message I want my girls to hear is that they can be brainy AND beautiful. So I'll compliment them on looking cute *AND* for thinking deep thoughts.

 

:iagree:

When I was in the 11-12 range, I read a scene in one of Jessamyn West's books, I think, in which the wild uncle breezes into town, compliments our young heroine, and is scolded by the girl's mother for doing so. The uncle responds with something like, "If you don't tell her she's beautiful, she'll run off with the first man who does."

 

I know it is fiction, but it hit home even then. I still remember it and apply it to my girls, an embarrassing number of years later.

 

Terri

[Aelwydd]

I don't think it's extreme to have one conversation where one's looks are not discussed or referenced. The point of the article is that little girls get tons of beauty-oriented conversation from many avenues.

 

Also, I tend to define traditional femininity differently, in that I feel it has more to do with one's actions and demeanor, than her looks.

[PiCO]

I'm not familiar with the author, but I loved her ideas in this piece.

 

I loved this article, and I completely agree with it. I don't think there's anything wrong with complementing a girl on the way she looks, but those shouldn't be the only complements she hears. (Or the majority.)

 

I also don't thing one should overly complement children for being "smart", or anything else they are born with. I would rather complement children on things that will help them in life- working hard, being thoughtful, etc.

 

I do like to strike up "real" conversations with both boys and girls. I carpooled with a 10-yo boy last school year, and we had great conversations about all sorts of issues at the school and in politics. I told his mom that I found his ideas very well thought-out and insightful. She was so surprised- evidently he's very shy and never talks to anyone! Who'd have thought?

 

I have to say, girls are always more surprised when you want to talk about real subjects than boys are.

[OrganicAnn]

I think that is previous generations it was more prevalent. That in general people are a little more even handed about judging/complimenting girls on looks.

 

I used to cringe when my DH's grandmother and her husband would say to my DD "You know you are so cute, don't you?" I mean, what is a kid supposed to answer when it posed as a question like that?

[jujsky]

The message I want my girls to hear is that they can be brainy AND beautiful. So I'll compliment them on looking cute *AND* for thinking deep thoughts.

 

:iagree: I couldn't agree more with the above. And honestly, the first thing people notice about each other IS their looks. Let's not BS each other on that one. It may not be how we ultimately judge the merits of a person, but it is what we notice first and most of us make some sort of initial judgment of a person based on looks. No one thinks, "Wow, that person looks like a reader," or "I bet he's good at math." People think, "Pretty," "Ugly," "Well put-together," or "What a slob!" The other things come out later, but not in the first few moments you lay eyes on another person.

[Impish]

I couldn't disagree with this article more. Girls need to hear *BOTH* types of praise so that they don't feel like they are forced to choose between being "smart" and being "pretty". Growing up I had a 1970's era feminist mom who acted like there was something wrong with being a girlie-girl and liking fashion, makeup, etc. I'm glad that she pushed science, sports, etc. but I wish she'd been more tolerant of traditional femininity.

 

The message I want my girls to hear is that they can be brainy AND beautiful. So I'll compliment them on looking cute *AND* for thinking deep thoughts.

:iagree:Balance is the key.

Frankly, telling Princess she's pretty or beautiful means she stands perfectly still without fussing so that I can brush her hair. I'll use it. :tongue_smilie:

[Daisy]

I think I made the mistake of NOT complementing my daughter enough on her appearance. She could not care less what she looks like and is heading towards 12yo.

 

I've tried to be more balanced lately. Hey, you are super smart to care about SMELLING nice today. :lol: Snicker.

 

Really though in our family my son gets far more compliments about his appearance than my daughter does. My daughter is beautiful but my son has gorgeous red hair and EVERYONE comments on it. On the other hand my daughter is brilliant and frequently gets compliments on her brains so... I go out of my way to make sure to compliment my son when he is clever and to compliment my daughter when she has taken particular care with her appearance.

[trailofsparks]

I try not to compliments looks unless it is obvious someone has gone to a lot of trouble for a special occasion to look nice. In a situation like that, it would seem rude not to at least acknowledge the effort.

 

Praising intellect from time to time is ok, imo, but I think it is best to focus praise on character qualities. I would rather encourage someone to be kind and thoughtful than handsome, pretty or smart.

 

:iagree:

When I was in the 11-12 range, I read a scene in one of Jessamyn West's books, I think, in which the wild uncle breezes into town, compliments our young heroine, and is scolded by the girl's mother for doing so. The uncle responds with something like, "If you don't tell her she's beautiful, she'll run off with the first man who does."

 

I know it is fiction, but it hit home even then. I still remember it and apply it to my girls, an embarrassing number of years later.

 

Terri

 

:iagree::iagree:on both counts! Dads should also compliment their daughter's beauty or style. They need to hear it from Daddy before any other man!

[Carol in Cal.]

Those who like this article, I have a book suggestion for you:

"Things Will Be Different For My Daughter"

 

It's old enough (15 years or so?) that you might find it in the library.

 

They take the 'smart AND beautiful' tack in the question on this thread.

 

You might also want to ban beauty magazines from your home. I did. It made a difference, I am positive, in how my DD sees the mandatory, unrealistic beauty issue.

[emeraldjoy]

I very much enjoyed this little write up. I don't think it was questioning femininity or making the statement to never, ever talk about one's looks, I think it was very nicely pointing out an extremely damaging (to our girls) part of our culture that needs to be acknowledged. A huge reason why girls/woman will glom onto any man who compliments them is directly related to this aspect of our culture that is pereptuated in everything from a McDonald's advertisement to the newanchorwoman who is NEVER larger than a size 5.....probably even moreso (in my opinion) than parents not telling their children they are beautiful.

 

From the time my kids have been very, very little I have always been intringued with the fact that the cute kids get the stickers and the suckers at the checkout counters. I think this sort of mentality (which is EVERYWHERE) creates a fragile self-esteem that is not able to stay strong and be useful for real life.

 

What about the stats she quoted (yes I know they weren't backed up) but girls by the time they are 5 thinking they are fat? my goodness....

[mlbuchina]

I very much enjoyed this little write up. I don't think it was questioning femininity or making the statement to never, ever talk about one's looks, I think it was very nicely pointing out an extremely damaging (to our girls) part of our culture that needs to be acknowledged. A huge reason why girls/woman will glom onto any man who compliments them is directly related to this aspect of our culture that is pereptuated in everything from a McDonald's advertisement to the newanchorwoman who is NEVER larger than a size 5.....probably even moreso (in my opinion) than parents not telling their children they are beautiful.

 

From the time my kids have been very, very little I have always been intringued with the fact that the cute kids get the stickers and the suckers at the checkout counters. I think this sort of mentality (which is EVERYWHERE) creates a fragile self-esteem that is not able to stay strong and be useful for real life.

 

What about the stats she quoted (yes I know they weren't backed up) but girls by the time they are 5 thinking they are fat? my goodness....

 

My dd8 asked me if she were fat at about that age. We are constantly bombarded with advertisements about losing weight. We don't have cable, but they still hear it on the radio AND from my mother:tongue_smilie: who constantly talks about her own weight issues.

[Audrey]

I try not to compliments looks unless it is obvious someone has gone to a lot of trouble for a special occasion to look nice. In a situation like that, it would seem rude not to at least acknowledge the effort.

 

Praising intellect from time to time is ok, imo, but I think it is best to focus praise on character qualities. I would rather encourage someone to be kind and thoughtful than handsome, pretty or smart.

 

 

Yes. Please.

 

Some people see girls (and other people) as only being praiseworthy in those two categories -- intellect or appearance. Just as it is not helpful to tell your daughter that she's so cute, so pretty as praise, it is also not helpful to tell your daughter that it's a good thing she's so smart because she'll never be a pageant queen.

 

Ask me how deeply entrenched in your sense of personhood THAT becomes. :glare:

[LibraryLover]

Tangentially related. ;)

 

My little nephew (5) found a moth in the garden today. He held it so gently, but being such a little one, he did manage to kill it. He started crying. "I didn't mean to hurt it. I wanted to look at it and enjoy it."

I said, â€Are you sad? You were just curious about that interesting moth. You're such a kind little boy. You didn't mean to hurt it. These things can happen with delicate creatures. Next time we should gently put it in a jar for a little while. Then we can watch it and it can be safe

His whole little body relaxed. He needed to know that one action, one day, one scenario, did not define the whole of who he is.

All of us are prone to narrowly defining people. We want to put folks, even children, into little boxes we can easily understand. We do each other a great disservice when that happens. From mils who are only seen as witchy, to little boys who are only seen as destructive to brave little girls we see only as pretty. That's not fair, but we do it.

I think we should regularly examine our own biases.

[Aelwydd]

Tangentially related. ;)

 

My little nephew (5) found a moth in the garden today. He held it so gently, but being such a little one, he did manage to kill it. He started crying. "I didn't mean to hurt it. I wanted to look at it and enjoy it."

 

I said, â€Are you sad? You were just curious about that interesting moth. You're such a kind little boy. You didn't mean to hurt it. These things can happen with delicate creatures. Next time we should gently put it in a jar for a little while. Then we can watch it and it can be safe

 

His whole little body relaxed. He needed to know that one action, one day, one scenario, did not define the whole of who he is.

 

All of us are prone to narrowly defining people. We want to put folks, even children, into little boxes we can easily understand. We do each other a great disservice when that happens. From mils who are only seen as witchy, to little boys who are only seen as destructive to brave little girls we see only as pretty. That's not fair, but we do it.

 

I think we should regularly examine our own biases.

 

I love this post. It almost made me cry.

[LibraryLover]

I love this post. It almost made me cry.

 

 

He is really a sweet little boy. He makes me cry with his tenderness. People expect a lot from him because he is so tall ( he's going to be well over 6 ft), so we need to protect him sometimes from wrong expectations. He's the dearest thing and enjoys a good giggle above all else. :) When he looks at my sig here he says, "I'm the one with the red mohawk, right?" lol Sweet.

Edited June 29, 2011 by LibraryLover

[mazakaal]

Maybe I missed something in the article, but I didn't think it was about praising little girls for being smart. It was about engaging little girls in intelligent conversation so that they will realize that what they think is important to others in addition to how they look.

 

I thought the article was great. It gave me something to think about. The author's point was that you don't need to start every conversation with a little girl that you're meeting for the first time with a compliment on her looks. It didn't say that parents shouldn't compliment kids on their looks. Or that if you see your niece and Aunt Polly's wedding, that you shouldn't comment on her pretty new dress. The author was just saying that little girls always get the, "Aren't you a pretty little thing," comment from strangers, and she doesn't want to be another person that does that too.

[Soror]

Well, my daughter, 4yo, always puts a lot of time and effort into her looks, it is her thing. She is always asking about her hair or outfit or such. My son on the other hand could absolutely care less- I know some boys do care- but he is not one of them. So, there are comments- generally always in reply to questions about looks. But of course we give compliments about learning- physical and mental things as well- whenever they tend to be observed.

[Jen+4dc]

I very much enjoyed this little write up. I don't think it was questioning femininity or making the statement to never, ever talk about one's looks, I think it was very nicely pointing out an extremely damaging (to our girls) part of our culture that needs to be acknowledged. A huge reason why girls/woman will glom onto any man who compliments them is directly related to this aspect of our culture that is pereptuated in everything from a McDonald's advertisement to the newanchorwoman who is NEVER larger than a size 5.....probably even moreso (in my opinion) than parents not telling their children they are beautiful.

....

:iagree:

 

Maybe I missed something in the article, but I didn't think it was about praising little girls for being smart. It was about engaging little girls in intelligent conversation so that they will realize that what they think is important to others in addition to how they look.

 

I thought the article was great. It gave me something to think about. The author's point was that you don't need to start every conversation with a little girl that you're meeting for the first time with a compliment on her looks. It didn't say that parents shouldn't compliment kids on their looks. Or that if you see your niece and Aunt Polly's wedding, that you shouldn't comment on her pretty new dress. The author was just saying that little girls always get the, "Aren't you a pretty little thing," comment from strangers, and she doesn't want to be another person that does that too.

:iagree:

 

I took away from this article the idea that we should engage little girls (and boys!) in conversation and treat them like people we are interested in getting to know. I never got the idea in the article that praise is a bad thing, just that we should be aware of what we are saying and what that is encouraging in the girls we talk to.

[twoforjoy]

I don't think that complimenting little girls (or little boys, for that matter) on their looks is a problem; I think it's criticizing their looks that is.

 

I think the author ignores that what cuts at girls' self-esteem is the cutting, critical comments people make about their appearance, not being told they are beautiful. In fact, I think girls are going to get such a near-constant barrage of messages that they *aren't* measuring up physically--they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, perfect enough--that telling them they are beautiful just the way they are is probably necessary if they are going to weather that.

 

I also think that physical appearance (as well as intelligence) need to be put in their proper perspective, and that other things--kindness, compassion, helpfulness, hard work, etc.--need to be what's really valued. But, I think it's the negative messages about their appearance that do a number on girls, not the positive ones, and I think most girls could probably stand to have a few more people telling them that they are lovely just the way they are.

[emeraldjoy]

. But, I think it's the negative messages about their appearance that do a number on girls, not the positive ones, and I think most girls could probably stand to have a few more people telling them that they are lovely just the way they are.

 

I really do agree with this. I love this thinking and wish more and more people thought like this and were able to acknkowledge how lovely each individual is no matter what dress they are wearing or what their hair looks like.

Problem is, how many people tell "ugly to mainstream standards" little girls they are beautiful or acknowledge their lovliness?

e

[angela in ohio]

The uncle responds with something like, "If you don't tell her she's beautiful, she'll run off with the first man who does."

 

 

This. Dh tells our girls they are beautiful, as do some of our other relatives and friends. I appreciate that. They know they are smart, so I'm not worried about that.

 

I tend to compliment other people's children when they are well-behaved, not smart or attractive, because that is such a pleasant surprise anymore.

[Paige]

:iagree:

 

 

:iagree:

 

I took away from this article the idea that we should engage little girls (and boys!) in conversation and treat them like people we are interested in getting to know. I never got the idea in the article that praise is a bad thing, just that we should be aware of what we are saying and what that is encouraging in the girls we talk to.

 

I agree, I didn't read it as we should never compliment little girls on their appearance. I thought she was saying it shouldn't always be the first or only thing we mention. I also didn't think she was saying we should compliment girls for being smart. I took it to mean that we should engage the children in conversation and be interested in who they are. Her first impulse was, "You're so cute!" That's a perfectly nice compliment but requires nothing from the child and really she could have been a cute puppy, doll, or knick knack and the compliment would be the same. It does not express value in the person. When she said, "Nice to meet you" and asked her a question about books, she was engaging her as a person, and valuing her as a person and not just as a pretty doll. I think once the child's value as a person has been acknowledged, then a compliment on her appearance is just fine.

 

Personally, I would be a little weirded out if I met someone and the first thing that was said was, "Oh! You're so cute!!" If they introduce themselves, talk to me a little, and then compliment me on my appearance, then I am very flattered and appreciate it.

 

And FWIW, my son gets complimented on his appearance way too much too. He's actually a little worried about how he'll fend off all the girls when he's a teenager because they won't be able to handle the cuteness.

[emeraldjoy]

.

 

And FWIW, my son gets complimented on his appearance way too much too. He's actually a little worried about how he'll fend off all the girls when he's a teenager because they won't be able to handle the cuteness.

 

Mine too, even yesterday at the dentist (by the dentist) when he was getting his teeth cleaned...arg!!!! Challenging to know how to handle it as it is so constant. He doesn't quite "get it" yet...maybe he just won't....

e

[Mom0012]

I really thought the article was interesting and it made me think about how my husband and I have handled things with my daughter. We have totally gone overboard telling her how cute she was from a young age. (She was/is absolutely adorable.:tongue_smilie:) We've told each other that we need to cut it out and we have, but we did overdo it when she was younger without meaning to and I wish we hadn't.

 

Interestingly, my parents never complimented me on my appearance. When I was in my early teens, I felt absolutely ugly. Then, a little later on, I got nonstop compliments from strangers and friends which made me feel that my appearance was very important. I did enjoy the compliments, but in the end, I think they did more harm than good. They made me feel fearful about getting older and aging. I was also fearful about leaving the house not looking my best because I was afraid that those who said I was beautiful would see that I was not. Anyway, the compliments did a lot of damage to my self esteem because they made me feel like my outer beauty was the most important thing I had to offer.

 

I really like the suggestion about complimenting on hard work and a good heart. Those are the things I really want my kids to value rather than smarts or beauty, but I think I have done a terrible job so far.

 

My mom complimented me in the car the other day. I was saying how lucky I felt to have my daughter and what a sweetheart she is. She told me that she felt the same way about me and that I am a good mom, wife, sister, aunt and daughter. Then she said one or two things that I had done that she was proud of. I didn't even know how to respond, but those are the best compliments I've ever received in my life. She really touched my heart and made me feel valued.

 

Lisa

[Amber in SJ]

This is one of my pet peeves. Because my children all have white/gold curls and blue eyes we get comments on their looks. Not a week goes by that there isn't someone saying something. My middle dd cut her hair pixie short so the moms at Tae Kwon Do would stop commenting on it. Strangers come up and want to touch their hair. This seriously freaks out my youngest dd who has sensory processing issues. Some people get over-the-top weird.

 

My FIL told my oldest dd she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. I felt compelled to add something like; "And she's a great reader." He responded with; "I didn't marry your grandma because she's smart." :glare:

 

A worker at Disneyland was so overwhelmed with how "CUUUTE" and "ADORABLE" my son was (High pitched squeals at full volume) that she actually grabbed him out of the stroller to kiss and hug him. :001_huh:

 

But the very best one was at an out of town wedding. The pastor came up and asked me which children were mine; I pointed them out. He asked me if I was planning on having more (not my favorite question.) I responded with a shrug and he said;

"You should, they are perfect Aryan children" :blink:

 

I try to tell my children that how you look is irrelevant and changeable. It is more important to be kind, loving, generous, etc.

 

I do enjoy the comic relief when someone says;

"Oh my goodness! How did the two of you have such beautiful children?" because, apparently, Dh & I are trolls who should be living under a bridge.

 

Our society is so screwed-up when it comes to little girls that I just want to run and hide, but I can't because I have three girls to raise. I just try to help them develop a sense of humor about it all.

 

Amber in SJ

[twoforjoy]

Problem is, how many people tell "ugly to mainstream standards" little girls they are beautiful or acknowledge their lovliness?

 

Right, and that's absolutely a problem. But, again, I don't think the issue is telling girls they're beautiful, but not telling them or being critical of them.

 

My DD, who's a baby now, has really curly hair and very chubby little thighs. And, at 1, everybody finds those two things absolutely adorable and constantly say how cute she is. But, there's a very good chance that, when she grows up, she is going to hate her hair and not think it's beautiful, and if she's still got chubby thighs, she's not going to have people telling her how cute they are. I do want her to have a strong sense that, while appearances aren't the most important thing by far, she is a beautiful person, even if she doesn't see herself in the images that are being held up to her as defining what beautiful is.

 

I think it's easy, as an adult, to say it just doesn't matter. At 33, I really don't care if other people find me attractive or not. But, when you're a girl growing up, it does matter. I think it's a very rare girl who doesn't want to feel like she's beautiful. And I do agree with the posters who've said that if girls don't get that affirmation from the people who love them and who should be giving it to them unconditionally, they'll be far more likely to end up in relationships with boys/men who will tell them that to get what they want.

 

I do think it's far less helpful when it comes from strangers. But I absolutely think that a girl's family and adult friends should let her know that, along with all of her other good qualities, she's beautiful, because she is up against a culture that is going to do everything it can to make her feel like she isn't.

Edited June 29, 2011 by twoforjoy

[Ellie]

Yes, yes I would compliment him the same way. To be totally honest my ds had a bit of a vanity problem during his toddler and early childhood years. I am an equal opportunity complimentor.

It seems to me that there's a difference between what we might say to children when we meet them for the first time and will never see them again, and children that we actually live with or see on a regular basis.

 

When I meet children for the first time (or only time) I express my pleasure in meeting them. I don't feel the need to comment on their looks (although I might say something to their parents about how precious they are, because of course they are). With my own children, over the course of their lives with me, there were many opportunities to talk not only about how lovely they looked (they were, of course, the most beautiful children in the world) but also about their behavior and their accomplishments.

[happyhomemaker25]

I think little girls need to hear that they are beautiful. No we don't need to obsess about it, but it's a need in a girl's life.

[I.Dup.]

I really thought the article was interesting and it made me think about how my husband and I have handled things with my daughter. We have totally gone overboard telling her how cute she was from a young age. (She was/is absolutely adorable.:tongue_smilie:) We've told each other that we need to cut it out and we have, but we did overdo it when she was younger without meaning to and I wish we hadn't.

 

:iagree: I, too, wish we hadn't complimented our dd so much on her looks.

 

I try really hard to praise character qualities because I feel that is most important, by far. I always try to find something nice to comment on people's appearance just because I think it's the nice thing to do but I do think we went overboard with our dd.

[vonfirmath]

In this particular instance, though, this little girl hadn't put her thought or energy into choosing an outfit or a hairstyle. Her mother had. And if it had been the cutest little boy in the entire known world (like, say, my grandson :lol: ), would you compliment him on his outfit or hairstyle? the same way you would a little girl?

 

My little boy has been complimented for his eyes (most of the time), what he is wearing, and his hair.

[Ester Maria]

The problem with complimenting girls on their looks is that it is (usually) not (at least not their own) accomplishment of any kind. Complimenting somebody's blue eyes is akin to complimenting somebody being born into a wealthy family - really, it is an accident of birth or of upbringing that you had no control over whatsoever. Same, in a way, as praising intelligence per se (rather than praising concrete academic achievements which, to get there, one had to put to use one's intelligence and work hard).

Furthermore, every compliment on beauty is an expression of personal taste, rather than an objective fact, so it is twice problematic - while accomplishments are something concrete, factual.

 

I agree that girls need to know they are beautiful and develop healthy relationships with their bodies, but I am not sure overly frequent (and they are overly frequent in our culture) compliments which focus on arbitrary characteristics are a way to go there. On the other hand, complimenting their effort and results of that effort does wonders for self-esteem, work ethic, etc.

[Lovedtodeath]

I try not to compliments looks unless it is obvious someone has gone to a lot of trouble for a special occasion to look nice. In a situation like that, it would seem rude not to at least acknowledge the effort.

 

Praising intellect from time to time is ok, imo, but I think it is best to focus praise on character qualities. I would rather encourage someone to be kind and thoughtful than handsome, pretty or smart.

:iagree:Yes. Emphasizing looks or brains too much can lead to a lot of stress and an imbalance in priorities. I was always the most beautiful and academically advanced girl we knew, and I have had to rehaul my thinking. ;)

[Mom0012]

:iagree: I, too, wish we hadn't complimented our dd so much on her looks.

 

I try really hard to praise character qualities because I feel that is most important, by far. I always try to find something nice to comment on people's appearance just because I think it's the nice thing to do but I do think we went overboard with our dd.

 

It's nice to know I'm not alone. :001_smile:

 

Lisa

[Tohru]

:iagree:

When I was in the 11-12 range, I read a scene in one of Jessamyn West's books, I think, in which the wild uncle breezes into town, compliments our young heroine, and is scolded by the girl's mother for doing so. The uncle responds with something like, "If you don't tell her she's beautiful, she'll run off with the first man who does."

 

I know it is fiction, but it hit home even then. I still remember it and apply it to my girls, an embarrassing number of years later.

 

Terri

 

:iagree:Yep!

 

I couldn't disagree with this article more. Girls need to hear *BOTH* types of praise so that they don't feel like they are forced to choose between being "smart" and being "pretty". Growing up I had a 1970's era feminist mom who acted like there was something wrong with being a girlie-girl and liking fashion, makeup, etc. I'm glad that she pushed science, sports, etc. but I wish she'd been more tolerant of traditional femininity.

 

The message I want my girls to hear is that they can be brainy AND beautiful. So I'll compliment them on looking cute *AND* for thinking deep thoughts.

 

:iagree:

I love being a woman that can dress up.

I love it when my husband tells me he thinks that I look pretty, and I know he loves me for my brains too.

[Tohru]

I try not to compliments looks unless it is obvious someone has gone to a lot of trouble for a special occasion to look nice. In a situation like that, it would seem rude not to at least acknowledge the effort.

 

Praising intellect from time to time is ok, imo, but I think it is best to focus praise on character qualities. I would rather encourage someone to be kind and thoughtful than handsome, pretty or smart.

 

:iagree: This is great too :)