Okay, Mama's how do you handle reentry?

[simka2]

:D You have been home with the kids all day. Homeschooling, activites, all the ups and downs....then dad comes home. Granted, I am beyond excited that he is home. There is a certain amount of the Hallelujah Chorus playing in my head. There also seems to be a bit of a collision. I am not entirely sure how to explain it. I am not ready to share the reins. Sometimes dh gets frustrated with a child's behavior, but doesn't know that that kiddo just had his favorite toy broken by a sibling an hour before. I feel protective or defensive of the kid

 

For that first 30-45 min things are really stressful for me. We are getting ready for evening sports or dinner. I feel like I am being pulled in yet another direction, and I can't keep all the balls juggling in the air.

 

Again, my nose is pressed to the elephant so I am sure there is a simple solution...that is right out of view.

[Crissy]

Oh, that's difficult.

I don't feel it on a daily basis. His schedule is pretty flexible and he's home late in the morning or back early in the day.

But! When he's been out of town for at least a couple of day and I'm running the show, I have a REALLY hard time stepping back and letting him be the Man of the House when he returns.

It's a problem I haven't figured out yet, so I don't have any advice. Just loads of commiseration.

:grouphug:

[keptwoman]

I feel like a 50's housewife saying this, but I try to be sure the house is tidy for his arrival, it makes everything more harmonious.

It would be nice if dinner was organised but it's generally not.

I pick DH up from the railway station every night and on the way home we have a debrief about our days. That way he knows the lay of the land at home, and I know also whether he has had a good or bad day.

 

Obviously you don't have a ride home to do that, but could you guys spend 10 minutes in your room each evening after DH has greeted the kids and have a catch up?

Edited June 22, 2011 by keptwoman

[Kertie]

:bigear:

 

No real answers here, but I know EXACTLY what you mean! It has helped us, after the chaos of kid hugs:), to have even just 5 minutes of dh and I talking--enough to debrief, as it were. But I'm looking forward to other responses:).

[Alenee]

 

Obviously you don't have a ride home to do that, but could you guys spend 10 minutes in your room each evening after DH has greeted the kids and have a catch up?

 

This. Especially when the kids were all under 8yo. The de-briefing helped tremendously!

[GWOB]

When dh comes home, he tells the kids hello, gives them hugs and kisses, and walks outside with me. Then we talk alone for about 5 minutes or so. He updates me on his day and I tell him who stole whose toy, whose friend was mean at whatever practice, who needs a nap but didn't get one, etc.. I was a Navy wife for about 8 years. My dh went away for 6 months at a time. We seriously had to work on that transition time or we just would not have made it. I suggest a brief 5-minute status update meeting. That may work.

[simka2]

We have done the debrief...it does help a ton. It can also hurt. By the time he is home I am ready for the "perfect happy" family (okay not really, but if it's been a bad day I really do not want it to be worse). If I am really honest with some of the more stressful parts of the day, dh "can" act very frustrated with them. He is rather protective of me.

 

I feel a bit like I am caught between them.

 

Also, this isn't an every day thing, it just came to a bit of a head today.

[Impish]

Wolf comes in, gets swarmed by the kids and dog, then he and I either head out to the back yard or downstairs to the basement. Its our time alone to fill each other in on the happenings of the day.

[justamouse]

We don't share those reins unless I hand them to Dh. For exactly the reasons you stated. There is NO WAY he can telepathically know the status of the house when he walks in. I could brief him, but the man just really wants to eat and decompress first.

 

So, no, he doesn't step in unless I ask. Ont he weekends it's totally different-the one who sees it is the one who deals with it. :D

 

If it's wretched, he gets e-mailed or texted status reports.

[GWOB]

We have done the debrief...it does help a ton. It can also hurt. By the time he is home I am ready for the "perfect happy" family (okay not really, but if it's been a bad day I really do not want it to be worse). If I am really honest with some of the more stressful parts of the day, dh "can" act very frustrated with them. He is rather protective of me.

 

I feel a bit like I am caught between them.

 

Also, this isn't an every day thing, it just came to a bit of a head today.

 

Hmmm. It doesn't always work for us either. Some days are just destined to be craptastic. Another thing I do is about 15 minutes before dh gets home the kids and I do a 10-15 minute clean up. I separate them if it has been one of THOSE days. (You know, "Brother is giving me mean eyes" or "Sister won't stop copying me") It gives us a little bit of time to focus on pretending we are normal.

[Impish]

Simka killed a kiiiiiittttteeeeennnn....

[2squared]

This is a GREAT question. Often times if dh is already crabby from his day, he is further upset by us before he gets in the house. We live on acreage, and he sees things amiss just driving down the lane - toys left out, holes dug, dirty dc, garden hoses making puddles, shed doors open, etc. Today I had the kids call him and ask permission to leave their game setup outside so dh would be prepared when he saw their mess outside. His re-entry went smoothly which normally wouldn't be the case with what they have set-up.

 

I am pondering giving him a quick call before he leaves the office so he knows the lay of the land for re-entry. I hate when he walks in the door already upset with us, because then everyone spends the evening trying to avoid him and he spends the evening finding fault with everything. :glare:

[simka2]

Simka killed a kiiiiiittttteeeeennnn....

 

Your right! I will leave it up just to live with my shame ;).

 

....in reality, I hate cats. The analogy is totally lost on me. :D

[keptwoman]

We have done the debrief...it does help a ton. It can also hurt. By the time he is home I am ready for the "perfect happy" family (okay not really, but if it's been a bad day I really do not want it to be worse). If I am really honest with some of the more stressful parts of the day, dh "can" act very frustrated with them. He is rather protective of me.

 

I feel a bit like I am caught between them.

 

Also, this isn't an every day thing, it just came to a bit of a head today.

 

I can certainly be guilty of offloading more than I should, but I kind of need to and sometimes the kids need a rocket up their butts.

Perhaps you could talk to him about how you would like things handled as part of your debrief?

[JessieC]

Well, I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't let your 3yo drink juice out of a small glass and leave it in the middle of the driveway for DH to run over with the car when he gets home, as happened to us yesterday.

[simka2]

Hmmm. It doesn't always work for us either. Some days are just destined to be craptastic. Another thing I do is about 15 minutes before dh gets home the kids and I do a 10-15 minute clean up. I separate them if it has been one of THOSE days. (You know, "Brother is giving me mean eyes" or "Sister won't stop copying me") It gives us a little bit of time to focus on pretending we are normal.

 

:lol: You were at my house today!!!!

[GWOB]

If it's wretched, he gets e-mailed or texted status reports.

 

This is a GREAT question. Often times if dh is already crabby from his day, he is further upset by us before he gets in the house. We live on acreage, and he sees things amiss just driving down the lane - toys left out, holes dug, dirty dc, garden hoses making puddles, shed doors open, etc. Today I had the kids call him and ask permission to leave their game setup outside so dh would be prepared when he saw their mess outside. His re-entry went smoothly which normally wouldn't be the case with what they have set-up.

 

I am pondering giving him a quick call before he leaves the office so he knows the lay of the land for re-entry. I hate when he walks in the door already upset with us, because then everyone spends the evening trying to avoid him and he spends the evening finding fault with everything. :glare:

 

Dh often emails me during the day. If the threat level is flaming red here, I often give him a heads up. That way he knows it just isn't going to be a Bever Cleaver day.

[simka2]

We don't share those reins unless I hand them to Dh. For exactly the reasons you stated. There is NO WAY he can telepathically know the status of the house when he walks in. I could brief him, but the man just really wants to eat and decompress first.

 

So, no, he doesn't step in unless I ask. Ont he weekends it's totally different-the one who sees it is the one who deals with it. :D

 

If it's wretched, he gets e-mailed or texted status reports.

 

I can certainly be guilty of offloading more than I should, but I kind of need to and sometimes the kids need a rocket up their butts.

Perhaps you could talk to him about how you would like things handled as part of your debrief?

 

See! I knew it was just out of my line of sight!!! Darn those HUGE elephants. ;)

[Mom22ns]

Another 50s wife thing here. When DH gets off work we eat dinner. I always have it ready at exactly the same time each day unless he let's me know he'll b late. He cones in, sits down and eats. After dinner kids clear while DH and I talk. We have almost never had transition troubles.

[JessieC]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

[keptwoman]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

I like these. We don't have a dryer but I bet music would be nice.

 

Simka, I'm glad it was helpful :) I will say to DH "this is all sorted and dealt with, this has been punished in such and such a way but it would be good if you backed me up, this needs you to have a chat with them" that sort of thing.

[Wyndie]

I feel like a 50's housewife saying this, but I try to be sure the house is tidy for his arrival, it makes everything more harmonious.

It would be nice if dinner was organised but it's generally not.

 

DHs reentry is ALWAYS smoother if this has happened. I usually don't have dinner ready b/c his work hours are wonky but if things are straightened up, he's happier when he walks in the door.

 

When he gets home, I give him a quick debrief if I can. In addition, he usually calls when he's on his way home so I have time to tell the kids to get their toys cleaned up and if he has something on his mind, I know it before he walks in the door. It's an easy thing to do and sets the tone for the evening to be much more pleasant.

[Rosie_0801]

We have done the debrief...it does help a ton. It can also hurt. By the time he is home I am ready for the "perfect happy" family (okay not really, but if it's been a bad day I really do not want it to be worse). If I am really honest with some of the more stressful parts of the day, dh "can" act very frustrated with them. He is rather protective of me.

 

I don't know how you worship, but how about a family prayer session when hubby gets home? Something that takes preparation (tidying the floor, getting cushions out or something) to give the kids time to shift gears before sitting down as a family as Dad walks in? Then a prayer or reading that lasts just long enough to calm everyone down? Then you can escape for debrief, then everyone can be diverted by dinner being served.

 

Rosie

[greenvneck]

Wow. I can't even imagine having my dh walk in and finding us home and expecting *anything*. 3-4 days a week we arrive home after him, due to tae kwon do classes, and 3-4 times a week he gets home and rushes into his uniform so that he can get to HIS tae kwon do class. We really don't see him until at least 9:15, but his first priority is to read to the littles for at least an hour. I gave up on any sort of family time in the evening when we began taking tae kwon do 4+ years ago; it's just not feasible.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

 

Aren't you smart!!! Good tips!

 

Simka - I feel your pain! I have the same feeling. I feel more pressure when dh gets home. All during the day I am completely in charge, the kids do what I say, I control the direction and the tone of the home. And then he comes home. All the sudden I have someone else who needs me, but also someone who feels (rightfully so) that he can direct the household too. He tends to be more demanding and less patient with the kids than I am. I have to let him parent his way, too. but - Hmph! I'm not always happy about that, I have to admit. I don't say anything, but sometimes I'm like "it was a bit easier before you got here!" :001_smile:

 

I like the suggestions you've had here. They've helped me too! I don't have ideas, but I do have sympathy/empathy. And sometimes that helps a bit too! ;)

[simka2]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

 

Brilliant!!!

[GWOB]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

 

:lol: You and I would be great friends. I am so very guilty of the dryer trick. Dishwasher works as well.

[LaxMom]

My husband works a 24 hour shift, so he gets home in the morning. I try to communicate what's gone on over the course of the day when he's at work but when he gets home, it's a new day.

 

When I get home, it's a different story. I work early in the morning on his off days, and get home mid morning. Whatever chaos is going on, I immediately feel like I should step in.

 

It's easier if he meets me in the driveway and gives me a rundown. As Sandra pointed out, I think, when you are debriefing or "giving report" to an action oriented person (usually a male attributed trait, but in my house, it's me) it's helpful to either explicitly say you're just decompressing and do not want/need intervention, or include how whatever situation has already been addressed.

[Peela]

Speaking of 50's housewives, here are a couple of tricks of the trade for the lazy housewife (to make you look efficient):

 

--always have the table cleared and set with napkins/silverware, etc., when dh comes home, even if you are having take-out

 

--throw a load of laundry in the dryer right before he comes home. The dryer makes your house sound like it's humming along and things are getting done.

 

--have a casual discussion with the kids about the most interesting part of their homeschool day so it is fresh in their minds

 

:D

 

Another one I read somewhere is to cook onions, even if you aren't ready to cook dinner yet. The smell of cooking onions makes a home feel very warm and nourishing (unless you don't like the smell, I guess). I have actually done that a few times just to see what it does to the atmosphere.

Pretty much having anything cooking in the oven does the same thing.

 

We have an outdoor spa- dh and I would connect by having a spa morning and evening.

[annlaura]

My DH works nights too, so we have the insanity twice a day - when he gets home in the morning, and again when he wakes up. Makes me crazy. I swear there is something about that 4:30-5:30 timeframe that makes my boys awful. It happens on DH's days off too. But trying to have him step in at the worst time is difficult. I think I'll try the dryer trick. :)

[GWOB]

My DH works nights too, so we have the insanity twice a day - when he gets home in the morning, and again when he wakes up. Makes me crazy. I swear there is something about that 4:30-5:30 timeframe that makes my boys awful. It happens on DH's days off too. But trying to have him step in at the worst time is difficult. I think I'll try the dryer trick. :)

 

 

Big ole :grouphug:. My dh works rotating shiftwork. I hate the night shift. It seriously is insanity twice a day.:grouphug: Definitely try the dryer or dishwasher trick. And wine.

[Ellie]

Simka killed a kiiiiiittttteeeeennnn....

I know, right? :lol:

[Tarreymere]

DH rides a bicycle to and from work. When he gets home he is very sweaty and goes into the bedroom to shower and change. I have the place straightened up and dinner on stand-by, and I go into our bedroom (which is off-limits to the kids) after I threaten everyone into good behavior and I wait for him to get out of the shower. We generally spend fifteen to thirty minutes in there exchanging stories of how our days went and whatever else we get around to talking about (get your mind out of the gutter! I MEAN talking). By the time we come out we are pretty much on the same page.

[GWOB]

DH rides a bicycle to and from work. When he gets home he is very sweaty and goes into the bedroom to shower and change. I have the place straightened up and dinner on stand-by, and I go into our bedroom (which is off-limits to the kids) after I threaten everyone into good behavior and I wait for him to get out of the shower. We generally spend fifteen to thirty minutes in there exchanging stories of how our days went and whatever else we get around to talking about (get your mind out of the gutter! I MEAN talking). By the time we come out we are pretty much on the same page.

 

:lol:;) Well, that is one way to reduce tension.:lol:

 

(Like I could get MY mind out of the gutter!)

[justamouse]

My DH works nights too, so we have the insanity twice a day - when he gets home in the morning, and again when he wakes up. Makes me crazy. I swear there is something about that 4:30-5:30 timeframe that makes my boys awful. It happens on DH's days off too. But trying to have him step in at the worst time is difficult. I think I'll try the dryer trick. :)

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

When my oldest Dd was younger, I could tell what time it was by how she just spiraled out of control. I'm serious, you could set your watch to it.

 

I threw her in the tub. So then every day at 5 she would take a bath. It got us through it, she'd come out happy, we'd have dinner and the house would be peaceful.

 

If I could patent the effect of water on crabby children, I would.

[Tarreymere]

:lol:;) Well, that is one way to reduce tension.:lol:

 

(Like I could get MY mind out of the gutter!)

 

Well, there is something about a man just fresh out of a shower..........:D

[flymama]

When my DH comes home it's TOUGH because he is gone more than he's home. He's an airline pilot and is gone 16-22 days/month. It's taken us years to work it out because he likes to walk in, take a shower, relax on bed, while I'm holding on for dear life. I was a ticking time bomb because he thought it was time to chill while I'm ready to run for the hills after 4-7 days alone.

 

Now we have to make an effort to look into each other's eyes, smile, hug, kiss and I pray in my head. I try to put myself in his shoes and NOT have PITY PARTY!

 

I try to make sure the kids and I look decent, his path to the BR is clean and clear, and, when applicable, dinner is ready early (5-6). that is important to him although I fail quite often. But I'm working on it.

 

Thanks for this post. It's made me realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Also, I need to plan "reentry" that morning not 5 minutes before he gets home!

 

Terry

Edited June 22, 2011 by flymama

[2squared]

:lol: You and I would be great friends. I am so very guilty of the dryer trick. Dishwasher works as well.

 

I like to vacuum just before dh arrives. If I get done early, sometimes I leave the vacuum out just because. :D

[GWOB]

I like to vacuum just before dh arrives. If I get done early, sometimes I leave the vacuum out just because. :D

 

:lol: Again, guilty! Look, my dh babysits a nuclear reactor all day. I deal with nuclear meltdowns in kidlets. Whatever works!

[Starr]

I rather like the burying of my head in my arms at the kitchen table and waiting for dh to cook dinner.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Well, there is something about a man just fresh out of a shower..........:D

 

Oh my! Girls!!!! You're killin' me!!! :blush: :lol::lol:

[Virg]

I am glad my DH isn't the only one! Most days are fine but then days when he has had a rough work day OMword! Every toy out is an issue and the kids are obnoxiously loud. I totally understand that it is hard for him but then I feel protective and defensive and instead of being on the same page I feel like we are at odds. I will definitely try some of these suggestions! :)

[2squared]

I totally understand that it is hard for him but then I feel protective and defensive and instead of being on the same page I feel like we are at odds.

 

I do this exact same thing. I feel bad for the dc when dh reprimands them for something I've been OK with all day. When he comes home crabby, he sees a glass-half empty rather than a glass-half full. It's hard coming home to our crew - we are more work at the end of a long day.

[simka2]

First off, what a funny spin this thread is taking! Thank you for the morning humor :lol:.

 

I am glad my DH isn't the only one! Most days are fine but then days when he has had a rough work day OMword! Every toy out is an issue and the kids are obnoxiously loud. I totally understand that it is hard for him but then I feel protective and defensive and instead of being on the same page I feel like we are at odds. I will definitely try some of these suggestions! :)

 

I do this exact same thing. I feel bad for the dc when dh reprimands them for something I've been OK with all day. When he comes home crabby, he sees a glass-half empty rather than a glass-half full. It's hard coming home to our crew - we are more work at the end of a long day.

 

Work has been a bit more stressful than normal for dh. Plus, we are dealing with the recent diagnoses of ds9 with some behavioral issues. Dh comes home about the time the meds are starting to wind down. :glare: Poor ds who has had a great day and can't wait to tell dh all he accomplished...starts to blow it with his evening behavior. Unfortunately, dh (and I) still struggle with identifying what is bad behavior and what is beyond the realm of ds's present level of control. As a result I can feel "extra" protective of him.

[love2read]

The struggle is really with dad adjusting to a chaos and lack of control after he's been at work. What worked for us was to clean for 30 minutes before dad came home, so everything was clean and orderly. He craved order after the pressures at work. I would start dinner before he got home and when he walked in the door the kids would say "hi" and then disappear. It was their down time. Usually they would go outside, but if it was really nasty out they'd go to their rooms and play a game or just get ready for evening activities. I'd finish dinner between 15-30 minutes after he got home since he was usually hungry. The kids were allowed to tell him one exciting thing each and then they had to stop talking for 10 minutes. Our dinners are long with people lingering at the table, so no guilt about the 10 minutes of mom/dad talking time. My kids are older, but everyone still follows this routine.

[Cheryl in NM]

I rather like the burying of my head in my arms at the kitchen table and waiting for dh to cook dinner.

 

This ALWAYS works around here! :lol:

[brehon]

My husband works a 24 hour shift, so he gets home in the morning. I try to communicate what's gone on over the course of the day when he's at work but when he gets home, it's a new day.

 

<snip>

 

It's easier if he meets me in the driveway and gives me a rundown. As Sandra pointed out, I think, when you are debriefing or "giving report" to an action oriented person (usually a male attributed trait, but in my house, it's me) it's helpful to either explicitly say you're just decompressing and do not want/need intervention, or include how whatever situation has already been addressed.

 

I'm the one who works a 24 hour shift (and, lately, the 48 hour shift :glare:) and dh stays home with the kids. He'll give me a status report at least once during the day - usually just to vent about this or that. By the time I get home a whole new day has dawned.

 

Even though dh does a lot while I'm at work I still feel...cramped? an additional weight on me? I'm not sure...when I walk in and see that the table has several meals worth of crumbs and general stickiness on it, the floors are in desperate need of vacuuming and mopping, and laundry baskets of clothes are placed randomly throughout the living room. It's as if I don't get a chance to decompress from what may have been very busy and/or stressful shifts where I may be operating on less than 4 hours sleep before jumping into family life.

 

I don't know. I'm not sure there are any easy answers. I just keep plugging away hoping that the house magically cleans itself.

[fairfarmhand]

It helps the most when he calls before he leaves. IT gives me warning to straighten up a bit. (this is going to sound really really bad) I sometimes turn on the TV to a favorite show to keep the littles calm and quiet for a bit when dad first gets there.

 

Could you make a deal with him? I'll give you 20 minutes to yourself, and you give me 20 minutes.

[annlaura]

Big ole :grouphug:. My dh works rotating shiftwork. I hate the night shift. It seriously is insanity twice a day.:grouphug: Definitely try the dryer or dishwasher trick. And wine.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

When my oldest Dd was younger, I could tell what time it was by how she just spiraled out of control. I'm serious, you could set your watch to it.

 

I threw her in the tub. So then every day at 5 she would take a bath. It got us through it, she'd come out happy, we'd have dinner and the house would be peaceful.

 

If I could patent the effect of water on crabby children, I would.

 

Thanks! Maybe a glass of wine while the kids are in the tub... Good ideas!

[fairfarmhand]

We have done the debrief...it does help a ton. It can also hurt. By the time he is home I am ready for the "perfect happy" family (okay not really, but if it's been a bad day I really do not want it to be worse). If I am really honest with some of the more stressful parts of the day, dh "can" act very frustrated with them. He is rather protective of me.

 

I feel a bit like I am caught between them.

 

Also, this isn't an every day thing, it just came to a bit of a head today.

 

When my dh calls on his way home, he gets a status update. "How have the kids been?" he usually asks. My dh will ask me this when he hears that someone has been difficult: "Is this something I need to deal with or have you addressed it?" If I have taken care of it, that is that. If not he will do it.