Trying to avoid bitterness

[venusmom]

OK...I am so struggling with just wanting to withdraw from this world. I don't want to be personal - but I have no one to talk to and I feel like crying. I wouldn't care if it was just me - but I have two precious children still @ home that I've been blessed with and I don't deserve. This lifelong pattern is starting to feel really bad. I probably share many of your stories - so I'm sorry to say this - but my coping skills stink right now. My parents were too busy to raise us...spent my childhood trying to raise my little brother & protect him from my parents when they were angry or very careless. Too many bad things happened then to try to even re-hash. Thought I dealt with all of that - completely forgave - and maintain a strained relationship with both of them. (By strained - I mean - I am kind to them - but I'm not leaving my children with them. I would never subject them to that.) However - this isn't a worry - since Dad is pretty self-absorbed and doesn't want to talk much. Mom is the same - but wants to see me when she needs something. Neither has much interest in my children. Both have great interest in my younger brother & older sis (dad's daughter - not mom's) - so though I try to suppress that - it hurts. They will do for them but not me...you know the drill - I really thought I put it behind me. But now I keep fumbling around. Hubby has a family that is highly similar - so kids have NO ONE to go to but us. None of the grandparents give a flip or even usually call on holiday's or birthday's, with exception of occasionally from my sister-in-law. Biggest dilemma - is I am very servant hearted - and my church seems to think that is grand - but I have no friends. I spoke with my pastor - he says I should not try to seek friendships in the members I try to be friends with - they are raising kids and don't have time for me. This hurt - I'm not needy - I don't call often - I don't ask for someone to go anywhere with - I just wish that after church when everybody else is chatting (including those who are too busy raising kids to visit with me) - they would chat with me too. They send their kids to me to watch - and I have a few other duties I take care of as a volunteer in the business of the church - they'll bring me things to do of that nature - but no body talks to me. It seems so obvious - but when I mention it to someone - they just tell me - I better not think of leaving the church. This astounds me - that isn't even what I had said - I was trying to go to them and try to find out why they won't talk. If I try to talk & visit - I usually don't get more than a sentence out when people start to wander off. I am so shocked. They babysit for each other - go to each other's houses (I know - I pass a few members homes on the way home & see them visiting each other.), go out to eat, etc...I ask nothing because we don't have extra money to do anything extra like annoy them to go out with our family so I do not try to go places with them. I don't call people & bug them - hubby hates me being on the phone when he's home in evenings & most other mom's are off work. No time for calls in day - doing school and my volunteer responsibilites. I just wish I had a few friends at church to laugh with. I try to visit when they are and not say too much, but they only turn to me when something needs to be done (or come find me if I'm teaching a class) - and they carefully weigh asking more than they think is fair - because they will say "we know you do so much already - and we don't want you to leave".. This is just so weird. I can not imagine approaching someone who joyfully serves the Lord, and my family, plus my church and my community - and always reminding them not to leave. Well - this is forever long - sorry - but there is this junk and so many other little odd things that I just don't know how to process it. I promise I'm not being clingy - I really haven't had the opportunity. I just wish I could pinpoint what is going wrong - I don't want my kiddos to struggle with friendships - they do fine now - but I'm afraid I'll influence their ability to socialize.:crying: :confused:

Edited June 7, 2011 by venusmom

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

You're a really new poster so I don't feel like I know you enough to direct you specifically. So I'll just throw some rhetorical questions out ok?

 

Does your church have small groups - sometimes called care groups?

 

Have you joined anything that is not service oriented? Perhaps a book club or a Bible study or a knitting circle?

 

How are you at saying no?

 

Now some basic thoughts:

 

You are being used. But you're allowing yourself to be used. Since it sounds like you enjoy volunteering, then choose one or two things to volunteer in and say no to all the rest. Find non-volunteer oriented things to join either in the church or outside of the church.

[kchara]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'd be out of there, find a new church, and start over. What are they going to do, send the sheriff after you? Of course not. There's no reason to stay there.

[Mom-2-7]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just :grouphug:.

 

Too bad there are a few states between us, I would be honored to call you friend. :001_smile:

[FriedClams]

I wish I had smart, helpful words for you. It just stinks. I think as adults we assume everyone around us has it all together - the pretty people, the ladies with friends at lunch, the doctor's wife - but I don't think anyone really does. Maybe a few people do (my sis pretty much rocks the world) but they are rare exceptions. I think the rest of us feel like you - lonely, a little muddled, left out and generally overwhelmed with life. Its even harder when you are in a church setting and people there can't see how much we need just a tiny bit of inclusion - you know - like the way the bible says to treat others!

 

For the most part I think people aren't intending to be inclusive - they are just generally self absorbed, lack confidence or assume you have it all together (since you balance homeschooling, volunteering, etc.) and don't need them. I know that doesn't make it any better, but hopefully you can see that it's very likely it's not you - it's them.

[Lara in Colo]

I'm with you. I also don't seem to be able to make friends at church. I love my church and the people are friendly, but I seem to be left out of any deeper friendships. Pastor told us this last Sunday we were "pillars of the church" I laughed and said the pillars are the things that hold stuff up, but that everyone just walks by without seeing. That is how I feel.

 

I did say that I needed an adult bible class for several reasons

I want to learn more

I want my questions answered

deeper relationships are made in the smaller groups.

 

 

SO I recommend you find some smalled groups.

Since I am in the same boat, I have no other suggestions, but know that you are not the only one.

 

Lara

[mmasmommy]

First :grouphug: I have been feeling very lonely lately as well and it really stinks. I understand where you're coming from, I always seem to be on the outskirts of the clique.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'd be out of there, find a new church, and start over. What are they going to do, send the sheriff after you? Of course not. There's no reason to stay there.

 

Second, :iagree: with this completely. They are obviously using you. You deserve to be in a place where you are apprciated and cherished as a part of the community.

[5knights3maidens]

Please, please look for another church. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't believe that pastor said that to you; but wait, yes I can. Some can be very unkind. But, there is a church out there with people that will love you for who you are not just because you are "serving".

 

I don't know where you are, but it's a shame you are not near me, I would love for you to be my friend. :001_smile:

[5KidzRUs]

I agree that maybe joining a small group activity might help bond with some of the ladies.

Also - there is no way to ask this gently, could your husband be what keeps them at a distance? I know for me, there have been some ladies I have liked but never got close with for one reason or other because of their dh's. And on the reverse of that, there are many ladies I have not clicked with because they only do activities as couples and my dh is not a couples activites kinda guy.

One last thing, favors and friendship need to be reciprocated. If you are doing all the giving and they are acting like sponges, ween them off and stop slowly until there is reciprocation.

Please take the above with a grain of salt. I struggle too with finding friends - but my standards are high and I find too that most people as sooooooooo busy they do not have oodles of time for others outside their family and family activites.

[venusmom]

Jean,

You are right about 'used'. I feel used. But I have been saying no - a lot lately. I just recently clearly defined what I would and would not do. Not that the things I am asked to do get done - they just get left undone if I say no.

 

No - I have not joined any small groups - we do not have them. I do go to Sunday School. I just feel horrible and I am trying to walk in without showing that. I smile - I don't agree to give too much - I am miserable there - but when I try to discuss it with the pastor - he stops me in my tracks. He says under no circumstances am I to leave - he cannot talk to me privately because of our gender difference and he doesn't want me to let on to my hubby about how I feel because my hubby stopped going for a while and has recently returned - so I can't take hubby in to so I can visit with the pastor about my concerns. My hubby is also dealing with some things that are much more important than what I'm dealing with - but though I've gone to the pastor - neither he nor anyone else has talked to my husband to see if they might be friends with him. Hubby already feels the church members do not seek his friendship either - I guess we just don't fit in because neither of us were raised in church. But on few occasions I have tried to speak of my concerns they just warn me that church-hopping is an epidemic problem and doesn't solve anything - and that I better not be considering leaving. This just makes me feel stupid - since at the onset I wasn't considering leaving - otherwise - I would have just left and not tried to seek Godly counsel. But now - I think of leaving all the time - but I don't want to be a source of division - our church has already had a terrible rep for church splits before I moved here. Anyways - yes - I feel used - and kind-of lonely or misunderstood too! It really stinks.

[LittleIzumi]

I think anyone telling you not to make friends with other moms because they are too busy is ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. You're busy too, but you still want friends! Don't be afraid to make friends just because of that. And the other moms' care in asking you while acknowledging how busy you are means they actually see you & how much you are doing, so that's great. I bet some of them would love to get to know you better if you let them know you're interested. I'd also work out with the hubby a block of time in the evening to call people if you want to--from 6-6:30 is your phone time, for example.

[kchara]

This smacks of spiritual abuse. There's a reason they have a reputation for church splits.

[venusmom]

Patty...yes - my dh is probably part of it. He likes to have his friends - but doesn't do the couples thing himself. He and I do very little together - I've tried to change this - but it is what it is. He seems to deal with his own issues and I am only a clanging cymbal if I keep asking him to communicate.

 

Little Izumi...yes - they do seem to care about overburdening my time. They just don't seem to respond when I try to go sit with them and visit. It just makes me bananas.. but - as mentioned above - all of their dh's are active with their families & mine is not. And - I have considered telling him I need to carve out some time for me - but I don't have anybody to call.

 

Like 5kidsrus said - I am also probably a little picky...in that if I feel like rejected - I feel like I shouldn't have to pursue them. I guess I feel like - I'll be available if they come to me - but I'm not going to beg for friendship...not trying to sound snobby - just really being a little protective.

 

Lara - thanks also for your comment. We are pillars of the church - but I feel just like you said - I think they are even trying to throw a cloth over the pillar. I'm not glory hungry and need little appreciation - I just want to be a part of our group and laugh with the ladies sometimes.

 

Kristi...you made me smile.. "this smacks" for sure. Yes - it is probably why many have split. Several families I have brought to the church have already left. I know it seems like I should just leave - but I don't know why I struggle with it. Everybody in our little town associates me with our church - plus my pastor's warning that I'm just following the 'church-hopping' movement makes me feel like I'm not really keeping things in perspective. I don't want to be guilty of coming to church for the wrong reasons.

Edited June 7, 2011 by venusmom
add comment

[Night Elf]

A few things leap to mind.

 

1. You can withdraw from the outside world without isolating your family. Instead of focusing so much on serving people outside your family, put that energy into serving your family.

 

2. You're making excuses for why you don't pursue friendships. You are saying that you believe you should be considered a good friend because you don't foist yourself or your problems onto others. You said that you think not inviting people over is a good thing because it proves you are not needy. But friendship actually is a 2-way partnership with both sides needing to put effort into the relationship.

 

3. People have come to depend on you because they know you are there. I'm assuming you have a problem saying 'no'. I understand because I used to be the same way. So you are always there for them when they need it. They like that. It's comfortable.

 

4. The people at church who are conversing with one another are probably friends outside of church. Because you don't do anything to encourage social contact outside of church, they associate you only with the church. Therefore they only talk 'church' business with you.

 

5. I'm a bit shocked that people are telling you not to leave the church. That's a red flag. I believe that if they aren't trying to talk to you about your personal feelings, they are only seeing you as what you are providing to the church. If you leave, they will have to find someone else to fulfill those needs. Is that what you want out of a church experience?

 

BTW, I've BTDT. I left one church because in my effort to making friends, I signed on to do some things as part of committees. The result was that I was a Sunday School teacher responsible for putting together my own lessons and acquiring all the materials, without assistance. There were no 'teacher get-togethers' or anything like that. I also agreed to clean the church as a group, thinking I would have some time to get to know some of the other ladies. I was mislead though. I was assigned certain weeks to clean and I was the only person there! The other ladies were friends so they worked together. I was miserable being a part of that church. I wasn't getting anything spiritually and I had a hard time thinking that this was the plan that God intended for me. :confused: I must say that this was one of the many reasons my faith was shaken. I'm not saying that will happen to you. I just became more and more resentful and less and less trustful of the whole religious idea.

[Kebo]

Your church sounds controlling, and your spiritual life seems to be diminished rather than enhanced by your experience in it. Personally, I would find a new church. I would also look for ways to volunteer outside of church (at a foodbank or shelter or wherever you feel led).

 

You sound like a very nice person. There are friends out there for you somewhere. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean,

You are right about 'used'. I feel used. But I have been saying no - a lot lately. I just recently clearly defined what I would and would not do. Not that the things I am asked to do get done - they just get left undone if I say no.

 

No - I have not joined any small groups - we do not have them. I do go to Sunday School. I just feel horrible and I am trying to walk in without showing that. I smile - I don't agree to give too much - I am miserable there - but when I try to discuss it with the pastor - he stops me in my tracks. He says under no circumstances am I to leave - he cannot talk to me privately because of our gender difference and he doesn't want me to let on to my hubby about how I feel because my hubby stopped going for a while and has recently returned - so I can't take hubby in to so I can visit with the pastor about my concerns. My hubby is also dealing with some things that are much more important than what I'm dealing with - but though I've gone to the pastor - neither he nor anyone else has talked to my husband to see if they might be friends with him. Hubby already feels the church members do not seek his friendship either - I guess we just don't fit in because neither of us were raised in church. But on few occasions I have tried to speak of my concerns they just warn me that church-hopping is an epidemic problem and doesn't solve anything - and that I better not be considering leaving. This just makes me feel stupid - since at the onset I wasn't considering leaving - otherwise - I would have just left and not tried to seek Godly counsel. But now - I think of leaving all the time - but I don't want to be a source of division - our church has already had a terrible rep for church splits before I moved here. Anyways - yes - I feel used - and kind-of lonely or misunderstood too! It really stinks.

 

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags. (I say this as a pastor's wife, btw.)

 

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

[Night Elf]

He says under no circumstances am I to leave

 

Um, and you really are okay with that? I don't want to know what church you belong to because I don't want to start a debate, but I would RUN from that church. There are churches that have reputations that if members leave, they are never welcome back and are considered exiled from that religion. You said you weren't raised in church, and I believe you must have reasons why you have decided to become a part of one now. If this is your only church experience, you should understand that not all churches, or religions, act in this manner. I think that should be a consideration for what you want out of being a member at a church.

[herbalgirl]

This smacks of spiritual abuse. There's a reason they have a reputation for church splits.

 

:iagree: Your pastor has no right whatsoever to say that under no circumstances may you leave that particular church. He is not God.

 

I will be praying that you can find a loving church home where people appreciate you as a person, not just for what you can do for the church. :grouphug:

[venusmom]

Beth...I have invited them over - or to go with me somewhere - they just don't come - and I don't badger.

 

I also tried exactly what you did - I signed up to do something as a group - including cleaning the church - and ended up doing it solo.

 

Yes - no was hard for me - but I'm getting pretty good at it now. I've tried the right things - but I'm really fighting bitterness now. Yes - I think it has just become comfortable to let me do things. And now - they are having to take on more since I dumped some items - but instead of including me, now with a tad more free time, it feels like I'm alienated since I'm not doing so much. And - it was some of their very comments - along with fatigue - that led me to pare back on my duties - since they were saying I should scale back & get some help.

 

It is just weird...especially since I keep hearing 'don't think about leaving'. I can't imagine saying that to someone unless I knew I was doing something wrong or the person had been threatening leaving - and I have not been making any threats. So - unless I'm reading it wrong - the members that say this to me know they have excluded me and just don't want me to leave so they still have my class and a few other ministries I cover taken care of. It is rocking my faith - sometimes it brings me closer to God - which is great - other times I'm just complaining to Him - which I know he can handle - but I'm tired of complaining.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Beth...I have invited them over - or to go with me somewhere - they just don't come - and I don't badger.

 

I also tried exactly what you did - I signed up to do something as a group - including cleaning the church - and ended up doing it solo.

 

Yes - no was hard for me - but I'm getting pretty good at it now. I've tried the right things - but I'm really fighting bitterness now. Yes - I think it has just become comfortable to let me do things. And now - they are having to take on more since I dumped some items - but instead of including me, now with a tad more free time, it feels like I'm alienated since I'm not doing so much. And - it was some of their very comments - along with fatigue - that led me to pare back on my duties - since they were saying I should scale back & get some help.

 

It is just weird...especially since I keep hearing 'don't think about leaving'. I can't imagine saying that to someone unless I knew I was doing something wrong or the person had been threatening leaving - and I have not been making any threats. So - unless I'm reading it wrong - the members that say this to me know they have excluded me and just don't want me to leave so they still have my class and a few other ministries I cover taken care of. It is rocking my faith - sometimes it brings me closer to God - which is great - other times I'm just complaining to Him - which I know he can handle - but I'm tired of complaining.

 

This church family is dysfunctional. Don't throw out all church families because one is dysfunctional. I hope you can find a not-perfect (because none of us is perfect) but functional church family where you can grow, minister and be ministered to.

[JVA]

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags. (I say this as a pastor's wife, btw.)

 

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

 

 

:iagree::iagree: This pastor is abusive and stepping WAY over the boundary lines. RUN. FAST. Find a healthy church.

Can you and your dh find something to do just you two? A hobby- even just taking a regular walk helps us- alone. So we can connect.

I've been lonely before , too, and I'm so sorry you haven't made friends. You will . Someone will see the sweet spirit inside you and how you care. It will resonate with someone. In the meantime, remember God has told you: "I will never leave you nor forsake you." - Hebrews13:5 :grouphug:

[venusmom]

Kebo...great idea...I must be thinking a little like you. I'm taking my kids tomorrow to help with a distribution of food with a large area food bank.

 

Also...forgot who mentioned it - I was on staff - but funds are low so I was transitioned to volunteer - but before this pastor - I used to meet with the pastor and his wife for staff meetings to avoid any ugly rumors that could have resulted if we'd held staff meetings with only the two of us. But - though I've breeched the subject - getting his wife to sit in doesn't seem do-able. As a matter of fact - she and I seem to have a lot in common so when I tried inviting her along to some things - that is when he came to me and told me not to seek out her friendship as well as a few others - that is when the comment happened that they were too busy with children and their own families to pursue friendships.

 

I could be way off base, but I really get the feeling it is because I don't have a strong scriptual background or because my family doesn't fit their ideal. But I'm struggling to grow spiritually now - though I am trying to learn more - I recently bought a better study bible to help me understand things I don't understand easily - but this does impede my thinking. I'm afraid it will damage my growth in Christ - therefore damage my children's walk as well.

[trailofsparks]

Your church sounds controlling, and your spiritual life seems to be diminished rather than enhanced by your experience in it. Personally, I would find a new church. I would also look for ways to volunteer outside of church (at a foodbank or shelter or wherever you feel led).

 

You sound like a very nice person. There are friends out there for you somewhere. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Plus, I am familiar with spiritual/church abuse. I had a pastor who, from the pulpit, made manipulative comments that were so far off base and hurtful - intending to keep folks from leaving the church. Oh, he liked to (still likes to, probably!) keep his "core" group intact.

 

I have been "unchurching" for a few years now. One thing I am so very thankful, and has been a part of my understanding since becoming a Christian, is that church-going isn't part of my salvation - at all. Not one bit.

 

If you are fighting bitterness, I encourage you to "go back to your roots" to the place of knowledge and wonder, when you first were found by the Great Shepherd of your soul. See what He has to say to you. I don't mean to preach at you. . . . I only mean to try to encourage. I have found Him to be the Friend who sticks closer than a brother.

 

Re friends - I now have some. I lost lots. I came to a place where I finally said, I'd rather have no friends at all, than those who use and abuse. That's when friendship with Him was rekindled. And after that was when older friendships (those who proved to be true friends) were deepened; and new friendships found.

 

:grouphug: Lots of hugs and said a prayer for you just now.

[justamouse]

Please, please look for another church. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't believe that pastor said that to you; but wait, yes I can. Some can be very unkind. But, there is a church out there with people that will love you for who you are not just because you are "serving".

 

I don't know where you are, but it's a shame you are not near me, I would love for you to be my friend. :001_smile:

 

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags. (I say this as a pastor's wife, btw.)

 

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

:iagree:

 

I'm reading such pain and hurt in your post. :grouphug:

 

Leave. Just leave and don't look back. That is spiritual abuse. No one deserves to be treated like that. I wish you lived closer to me. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

Kebo...great idea...I must be thinking a little like you. I'm taking my kids tomorrow to help with a distribution of food with a large area food bank.

 

Also...forgot who mentioned it - I was on staff - but funds are low so I was transitioned to volunteer - but before this pastor - I used to meet with the pastor and his wife for staff meetings to avoid any ugly rumors that could have resulted if we'd held staff meetings with only the two of us. But - though I've breeched the subject - getting his wife to sit in doesn't seem do-able. As a matter of fact - she and I seem to have a lot in common so when I tried inviting her along to some things - that is when he came to me and told me not to seek out her friendship as well as a few others - that is when the comment happened that they were too busy with children and their own families to pursue friendships.

 

I could be way off base, but I really get the feeling it is because I don't have a strong scriptual background or because my family doesn't fit their ideal. But I'm struggling to grow spiritually now - though I am trying to learn more - I recently bought a better study bible to help me understand things I don't understand easily - but this does impede my thinking. I'm afraid it will damage my growth in Christ - therefore damage my children's walk as well.

 

Alright, that is just whacked. If anything, if you need spiritual help or growth the pastor's wife should be the one you can seek out!!!!

 

 

Whacked I tell you. Something is rotten in Denmark.

[venusmom]

Wow...I was hurting pretty badly when I posted...but so many of you have really made me laugh. I needed that. Thanks - I will prayerfully make some decision - and I will be sure to get back to my roots. I need to be at the foot of the cross right now.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

Please, please look for another church. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Ditto. Churches are about community and if you don't feel like you're being welcomed or embraced then the whole purpose of being there is being defeated.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags. (I say this as a pastor's wife, btw.)

 

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

It sounds like he is a user too, just like the other members of the church. In fact, he sounds creepy and controlling. He is not your boss; God is. I would seriously think about finding a new church.

 

Volunteering is great, but you also need to be fed spiritually. It doesn't sound like this is the place for you. Since you don't have ties to people in this church, I can't see any reason to stay. I would look around for a new church (and I am not a big fan of "church-shopping" but this place sounds harmful to you.)

 

Not every church that puts on a welcoming front is actually going to be a place to build friendships. I have seen churches that put on a big welcoming show, but they are, in reality, really cliquey. Also, from your post, you seem like an introvert personality (like me.) Some churches seem to judge introverts harshly as if there is something wrong with them spiritually. We are all made in the image of God.

 

In addition to a place that is what you are looking for from a doctrinal perspective, you may want to look at what they have to build community. Small groups that were mentioned before? Newcomers welcome events? What do they have that can feed your spirit? mini-retreats? Bible study? small prayer groups? mothering support groups?

 

If the down feelings continue, you might look for counseling outside of the church. There are many wonderful counselors who can help. I pray that find what you need to lift you up from this difficult place.

[WishboneDawn]

I could be way off base, but I really get the feeling it is because I don't have a strong scriptual background or because my family doesn't fit their ideal. But I'm struggling to grow spiritually now - though I am trying to learn more - I recently bought a better study bible to help me understand things I don't understand easily - but this does impede my thinking. I'm afraid it will damage my growth in Christ - therefore damage my children's walk as well.

 

You can't grow spiritually in an environment that stifles you, denies you community and leaves you feeling bitter. I made my previous comment before I read the rest of the thread and was concerned but after reading the rest I'm alarmed.

 

Others described your church as dysfunctional and abusive and I think that's exactly the case. It seems like your pastor is trying to keep you deliberately isolated. Why? People do that for a reason and it usually involves turning you into a victim of some sort. Leave. Leave. Leave. Don't talk to your pastor any further or anymore. Just don't show up anymore. Find somewhere else and yes, shop around if you need to. Just get out of that church!

Edited June 7, 2011 by WishboneDawn

[UnsinkableKristen]

This is not normal. There is something wrong.

 

 

 

It sounds abusive, manipulative, and like you should stop going immediately and sweep your family off to a church that is safe from people like that "Pastor".

 

 

I would bet that in a healthy church, you would find that people would love to be your friend and that your DH is better able to work through his own issues. An abusive and controlling environment does nothing but stagnate growth.

 

 

Many prayers and :grouphug: - I would totally be your friend :)

[simka2]

Wow! That sounds like the Pastor who almost destroyed me, but no worries he fled to Texas! Oh, wait, you are in Tx aren't you?! :tongue_smilie: Run!!! Seriously, :grouphug:, and I am sorry for my strange sense of humor today. Just ignore me...or pm if you need to. :D

[grace'smom]

:iagree:with Justamouse. This church sounds seriously dysfunctional. It sounds like there's been a lot of negative stuff going on and you just happened to walk into the middle of it. Are there other members that are as new as you guys are to this church? How are they treated by the other church members?

 

:grouphug:

[UnsinkableKristen]

It seems like your pastor is trying to keep you deliberately isolated. Why? People do that for a reason and it usually involves turning you into a victim of some sort. Leave. Leave. Leave. Don't talk to your pastor any further or anymore. Just don't show up anymore. Find somewhere else and yes, shop around if you need to. Just get out of that church!

 

 

:iagree: Exactly what I wanted to say, but better.

[Princess Peach]

I am miserable there - but when I try to discuss it with the pastor - he stops me in my tracks. He says under no circumstances am I to leave - he cannot talk to me privately because of our gender difference and he doesn't want me to let on to my hubby about how I feel because my hubby stopped going for a while and has recently returned - so I can't take hubby in to so I can visit with the pastor about my concerns.

 

Of the many red flags about your church/pastor in your posts, this, especially the bolded, is screaming at me. You are being manipulated and this pastor is undermining your marriage by basically telling you to zip it about the church in front of your husband.

 

Please, please, please talk to your husband about your concerns. Then please leave united as a family and find a loving place to worship. Leaving this church will quite possibly be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you must do it for your spiritual health and that of your family.

 

Please keep us updated. I will pray for you. :grouphug:

[justamouse]

You can't grow spiritually in an environment that stifles you, denies you community and leaves you feeling bitter. I made my previous comment before I read the rest of the thread and was concerned but after reading the rest I'm alarmed.

 

Others described your church as dysfunctional and abusive and I think that's exactly the case. It seems like your pastor is trying to keep you deliberately isolated. Why? People do that for a reason and it usually involves turning you into a victim of some sort. Leave. Leave. Leave. Don't talk to your pastor any further or anymore. Just don't show up anymore. Find somewhere else and yes, shop around if you need to. Just get out of that church!

 

Wow! That sounds like the Pastor who almost destroyed me, but no worries he fled to Texas! Oh, wait, you are in Tx aren't you?! :tongue_smilie: Run!!! Seriously, :grouphug:, and I am sorry for my strange sense of humor today. Just ignore me...or pm if you need to. :D

:iagree::iagree:

 

Sometimes in the middle of it, it looks almost normal. You try and justify it, why this might be happening and blame yourself, the situation, but you're in the middle of it and you just can't see it clearly.

 

God, in his grace, gave you clarity about it in this moment. Don't dismiss it. Don't let it pass without acting on it. Don't go back. It is very alarming, like wishbonedawn said, and Simka knows firsthand how this can be.

[WishboneDawn]

Of the many red flags about your church/pastor in your posts, this, especially the bolded, is screaming at me. You are being manipulated and this pastor is undermining your marriage by basically telling you to zip it about the church in front of your husband.

 

Again, this just feels really, really creepy like the pastor has plans for the OP.

[shalom22]

Are you anywhere near Houston? If so, you can pm me. I know of several great homeschool groups here.

[Embassy]

Please, please, please talk to your husband about your concerns. Then please leave united as a family and find a loving place to worship. Leaving this church will quite possibly be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you must do it for your spiritual health and that of your family.

:iagree:

 

I don't know how many churches you have been a part of, but your experience is not normal. It is far from it. Find another church. There are many great churches out there who would welcome your family and feed you spiritually. :grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you!

[UnsinkableKristen]

I'm in DFW and can point you to some good, healthy churches if need be.

[Impish]

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags.

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

:iagree:Talk to your dh asap. Nobody has the right to tell you not to talk to your own dh.

[Starr]

And when you leave you do not have to meet with the pastor or explain to any of these people why. I bet the pastor would then bring you in and want to talk with you and if it were me I wouldn't go after all this nonsense!

[venusmom]

I think you are right - in the middle of it things do start to feel normal - until you realize it's eating up at your own middle. In his defense - he is young - I think he is just trying to keep the peace in a church where there have been many problems. Honestly - after reading so many comments - I think that is the wrong approach. If the church was to get healthy I think that we need to have a meeting of core members and 'duke it out' so to speak if we are to go anywhere - not physically of course - but I think we need to speak kindly to one another about the things that are preventing our church from growing. I have decided to talk to my hubby about it the next time he's in a conversational mood - which may be tonight. He just got home & took the kiddos out for some water play. I love to spend time with my family - so if he feels we should leave - I know the rest of my duties I have not dropped will free up some major time for me. Thank you for all your prayers - I never imagined this post would be something that so many of you could relate to or understand. I felt alone - but now I truly feel like many, or all, of you have understood what I'm feeling through your own situations. I know we all have different experiences from each other - but we all feel joy, pain and sadness too! Thanks - I'm scared and excited to see what God has planned for His little family he's blessed me with.

[TheAutumnOak]

I would have a talk with my DH and stop going...What you have descibed here in this thread is not right at all...Every church is not like this and you are not "stuck" at any particular church...

 

:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Your description of your pastor gives me huge red flags. (I say this as a pastor's wife, btw.)

 

1. He could talk to you if he wanted to by asking his wife or someone else to be there as well.

 

2. Who is he to tell you that you CAN'T leave? While we are sad when people leave, we recognize that people can be ministered to spiritually in more than just our church.

 

3. Who is he to tell you what you should discuss with your husband? NO ONE should get between you and your husband.

:iagree: This guy is off his blankety-blank-blank rocker.

that is when he came to me and told me not to seek out her friendship as well as a few others - that is when the comment happened that they were too busy with children and their own families to pursue friendships.

 

 

Sweetie, this guy is setting you up for something. Do not go back. Just don't go. If you have things to turn in, just drop them in the door and leave.

 

Others described your church as dysfunctional and abusive and I think that's exactly the case. It seems like your pastor is trying to keep you deliberately isolated. Why? People do that for a reason and it usually involves turning you into a victim of some sort. Leave. Leave. Leave. Don't talk to your pastor any further or anymore. Just don't show up anymore. Find somewhere else and yes, shop around if you need to. Just get out of that church!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Just get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out.

 

If you want friends you can make them at 1) your new church, 2) your new hobby.

 

You need to find a hobby. Connect with a homeschool group. Start a book club. Make friends with your children's friend's moms. Hang out here for a while. This place was my life line 3 years ago when we moved into a very hostile community. (We are out of there now.)

 

How long have you been living in this community? Sometimes it takes up to a year to get comfortable and get to know people.

 

Start hosting things for your kids. Ice cream socials, old fashioned tea parties, Slip and Slide day during the summer. Invite the parents too.

 

Oh, where are your oldest children? Are they nearby so you can visit with them?

[WishboneDawn]

I think you are right - in the middle of it things do start to feel normal - until you realize it's eating up at your own middle. In his defense - he is young - I think he is just trying to keep the peace in a church where there have been many problems. Honestly - after reading so many comments - I think that is the wrong approach. If the church was to get healthy I think that we need to have a meeting of core members and 'duke it out' so to speak if we are to go anywhere - not physically of course - but I think we need to speak kindly to one another about the things that are preventing our church from growing. I have decided to talk to my hubby about it the next time he's in a conversational mood - which may be tonight. He just got home & took the kiddos out for some water play. I love to spend time with my family - so if he feels we should leave - I know the rest of my duties I have not dropped will free up some major time for me. Thank you for all your prayers - I never imagined this post would be something that so many of you could relate to or understand. I felt alone - but now I truly feel like many, or all, of you have understood what I'm feeling through your own situations. I know we all have different experiences from each other - but we all feel joy, pain and sadness too! Thanks - I'm scared and excited to see what God has planned for His little family he's blessed me with.

 

Assuming the very best of your pastor (which I think is beside that point. His behaviour and advice, whatever his intention, is not healthy for you):

 

You said you're a servant. I get this. Believe me, I GET this. :) But it REALLY gets in the way sometimes. Your instinct is to fix whatever is wrong. You may well be right and we're seeing things that aren't going on and this is just a case of a young pastor who's a little over his head and a church that needs help but if that's the case...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

Again....

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

You're perfectly primed to be the one that thinks this with your upbringing, the responsible kid who had to protect her sibling from irresponsible parents. Fixing things was what you did but...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

Get the message? :D

 

The church should not be your priority. If it's worth saving the rest of the community will save it. It's okay to let the church go. The other adults will handle it, or not. Either way you don't need to suffer to be there.

 

Meanwhile you being miserable affects your whole family. It drains your energy, makes you bitter, takes the best of you away from your husband and children. You're very first duty, your most fundamental ministry, is to your family. Take care of them, of you, first. Only then do you have the right to start taking on outside commitments, especially when they're as potentially stressful as this church seems to be.

 

One last thing...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

Edited June 7, 2011 by WishboneDawn

[TheAutumnOak]

Assuming the very best of your pastor:

 

You said you're a servant. I get this. Believe me, I GET this. :) But it REALLY gets in the way sometimes. Your instinct is to fix whatever is wrong. You may well be right and we're seeing things that aren't going on and this is just a case of a young pastor who's a little over his head and a church that needs help but if that's the case...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

Again....

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

You're perfectly primed to be the one that thinks this with your upbringing, the responsible kid who had to protect her sibling from irresponsible parents. Fixing things was what you did but...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

Get the message? :D

 

The church should not be your priority. If it's worth saving the rest of the community will save it. It's okay to let the church go. The other adults will handle it, or not. Either way you don't need to suffer to be there.

 

Meanwhile you being miserable affects your whole family. It drains your energy, makes you bitter, takes the best of you away from your husband and children. You're very first duty, your most fundamental ministry, is to your family. Take care of them, of you, first. Only then do you have the right to start taking on outside commitments, especially when they're as potentially stressful as this church seems to be.

 

One last thing...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: I don't think I could agree more!

[justamouse]

 

The church should not be your priority. If it's worth saving the rest of the community will save it. It's okay to let the church go. The other adults will handle it, or not. Either way you don't need to suffer to be there.

 

Meanwhile you being miserable affects your whole family. It drains your energy, makes you bitter, takes the best of you away from your husband and children. You're very first duty, your most fundamental ministry, is to your family. Take care of them, of you, first. Only then do you have the right to start taking on outside commitments, especially when they're as potentially stressful as this church seems to be.

 

One last thing...

 

YOU DON'T NEED TO FIX IT!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[ZooRho]

oh my that is so sad. I would say look for a new church. Don't volunteer for things till you feel if you fit in and have people that care that you show up.

 

yeah with Jean here too.