PSA and rant rolled into one!

[Mommyof4ks]

:001_huh: I don't know why people would care. There are many adopted kiddos in our circle of friends, so I guess it does not cross my mind to even be confused anymore if people don't look like one another. Of course I only have 3 kids and people ask if they are all mine. Um...yeah, they all look almost exactly alike just different sizes. People are strange.

[Scarlett]

While I agree with the OP because culturally it is rather tactless to make comments of that nature, I also try to understand that people are just people--they are genuinely curious about observing the unusual and don't always know how to express it well.

 

But really--is it that odd to wonder why someone is a mother of a child who is obviously of a different race than she? When my 1/2 Japanese son was born people often asked if I had adopted him. I could understand why--I'm blonde / blue-eyed and he was very Asian-looking as a baby. He now looks more like me, but still...

 

We are one of only a few cultures where statements of the obvious and questions of the unusual are offensive...we as a culture are really overly sensitive.

 

Yeah, I'm one of the curious. I always think of these boards these days and try to moderate my comments accordingly. If I see a baby that is obviously a different race than the parents I am curious. I just can't help it.

 

At the hotel this weekend was a woman with 4 little girls in tow. 3 of them were the same age/size. We saw them at the pool and then in the elevator I was friendly with them all and asked the mom, 'are they all yours?' She didn't seem offended....she just answered that no, only 2 were....and the others were friends... I commented that they looked like sisters and she agreed...and then she said, 'wow I"d have my hands full if they were all mine!' It was lighthearted....I sure hope she wasn't offended! :001_huh:

[mcconnellboys]

So sorry!

[Julie Smith]

Sort of off topic. but, ...

 

I live next door to three woman who live together. Not to unusual since it's a university town, one owns it and the other two rent from her.

 

One woman is about 5 foot 2 and Chinese, short straight black hair.

Another is 6 feet tall skinny and white, long blond hair.

Another is 5 foot 7 brown skin, black hair with those lots of little braids. Not over weight but on the higher side of normal when the other two are one the low side.

 

Our other neighbor swears he can't tell them apart since they all look so alike?

[Sputterduck]

Sort of off topic. but, ...

 

I live next door to three woman who live together. Not to unusual since it's a university town, one owns it and the other two rent from her.

 

One woman is about 5 foot 2 and Chinese, short straight black hair.

Another is 6 feet tall skinny and white, long blond hair.

Another is 5 foot 7 brown skin, black hair with those lots of little braids. Not over weight but on the higher side of normal when the other two are one the low side.

 

Our other neighbor swears he can't tell them apart since they all look so alike?

 

I think he is pulling your chain. :tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sort of off topic. but, ...

 

I live next door to three woman who live together. Not to unusual since it's a university town, one owns it and the other two rent from her.

 

One woman is about 5 foot 2 and Chinese, short straight black hair.

Another is 6 feet tall skinny and white, long blond hair.

Another is 5 foot 7 brown skin, black hair with those lots of little braids. Not over weight but on the higher side of normal when the other two are one the low side.

 

Our other neighbor swears he can't tell them apart since they all look so alike?

 

You know, all women look alike. . . .:rolleyes:

[cassiemc]

In a very small town in S. WI my red-headed brother was born to my brunette mom and black haired dad. The ladies at church started wagging their tongues. So to shut them up my mom said, "Well of course he belongs to the milk man!" :001_huh: The milk man was red-headed! :tongue_smilie:

 

We laugh about it now, but I'm sure it was horrendous then.

 

People can be so stupid! I'm sorry you had that happen to you. :grouphug:

 

 

Our oldest has red hair. The other 2 kids have brown hair as do my husband and myself. We have heard everything! It really is not anyone's business. It makes me really mad. What if the kid starts to question why he/she looks different?? I'm sure it could mess with their head. I usually give the offender a genetics lesson :) I'm SO glad to have a redhead and we work super hard making sure he doesn't feel out of place. It doesn't help when a stranger questions his origin!

 

I'm sorry someone was rude to you!

[sandellie4]

Most onlookers easily guess that we have several adopted children. But two are related to us and look a lot like me. So people play "guess the natural children"...no, no, don't tell me...those two, right? :confused:

 

ARG!!!!!!!

[ereks mom]

My oldest brother looks nothing like either of my parents. My mom used to get "milkman" jokes. This was in the late 50's and there actually was a milkman. The milkman was my dad's brother--who looked exactly like my dad (He was shorter, but they could have been twins)! Figure that one out... :001_huh:

 

My dad had black hair & brown eyes, and my mom has red hair & brown eyes. I have blonde hair & green eyes. And so there were milkman jokes--I was born in 1960, when there really was a milkman--but my dad was the milkman! :lol:

[Alice]

Hedgehog,

 

These threads pop up from time to time (along with "the what people say to a big family threads"*). And basically what I have learned from them is that I should just smile at people and move on.

 

Altho' now, it looks like some people get annoyed?offended?worried?angry? if you look at them soooooo...

 

Head down, no eye contact, continue on in world on my own...

 

ETA*I forgot talking to children out in public during school hours. Can't do that, either.

 

Yeah, I'm one of the curious. I always think of these boards these days and try to moderate my comments accordingly. If I see a baby that is obviously a different race than the parents I am curious. I just can't help it.

 

At the hotel this weekend was a woman with 4 little girls in tow. 3 of them were the same age/size. We saw them at the pool and then in the elevator I was friendly with them all and asked the mom, 'are they all yours?' She didn't seem offended....she just answered that no, only 2 were....and the others were friends... I commented that they looked like sisters and she agreed...and then she said, 'wow I"d have my hands full if they were all mine!' It was lighthearted....I sure hope she wasn't offended! :001_huh:

 

I think it's all in the tone and how the question is asked. It's one thing to be friendly, it's another to be rude. I've had a lot of people ask me if my kids are mixed-race and follow it up with something like "I thought so, my husband is Asian and they look like my own kids" or even better "I thought so, they are beautiful." Of course I'm not offended if someone tells me my kids are beautiful or is being friendly. I've sometimes said similar comments to strangers myself.

 

It's another thing to have a stranger ask you a question like if your kids have different fathers with a tone that is rude. Or to make some of the other silly or stupid comments people told about here ("growing out of being Chinese!")

 

I have red hair and my parents both have brown. I got asked ALL THE TIME when I was little "where did you get that pretty red hair?" by well meaning adults. Did I get offended or feel like an outcast? No. Did I get really really really tired of the question? Yep.

 

I agree with you both that as a culture we can be oversensitive. I try when I get weird comments about anything (homeschooling, parenting, kids' appearance) to give the person the benefit of the doubt that they meant it in a friendly way and not insulting. But we all know that there are the occasional people out there who do say things that are rude and insulting and mean them that way. You can tell the difference. It's not worth spending a lot of time on what they said except to shake your head and file it away as a funny-sad story to share on a message board one day.

[krisperry]

I totally agree with the PP - comments about how my kids look, comments about our family size, AND comments about why they aren't in school....

 

I've been known to not respond with grace :blush5:

 

I've gotten many of the comments that I've read on this thread. My husband is black and I'm white. 3 of our children are nearly the same complexion as my husband and 3 are very fair.

 

Evidently, it is unfathomable to most that a family would WANT six children. And since they look different from one another, then we must be "stuck" with six because we are some sort of blended family (aka not all the kids have the same father).

 

I get sick of the comments. I try to respond kindly but if I'm having one of those days..... The worst I've responded was when asked if my kids have the same father (by someone who KNEW I was married during the entire time).

 

I replied: "Well, it is possible. I've applied to the Maury show so they can help me pay for all the paternity tests - don't get me wrong... there are only 4 or 5 candidates so it isn't like they will have to test a gazillion folks. I'll be so glad if I get on"

 

Needless to say, said person was speechless.

 

I simply looked at her and said "yes, both children are my husband's. I am married and faithful but thanks for questioning my vows"

 

Not my best moment by far. I think that was the rudest I've ever been in my life. Definitely needed a :chillpill: that day!

[Kirch]

 

Sometimes my husband gets weird looks or comments from people when he is out with the boys without me. Fortunately the boys call him papa a lot, so people figure out he must really be their father. But my husband does worry that someone might think he is kidnapping them, especially if he is with only one of the boys, and he says he's been followed around a few different times in stores by people checking him out suspiciously.

 

My husband and I joke that we have "his & hers"--ds 1 looks just like me and ds 2 is dh's mini-me. One time dh was with ds 1 at Wal-Mart. He was about 3, and we'd been talking a lot about missing each other when somebody went to the store, etc. Well, ds blurts out to dh in the middle of WM, "My mommy doesn't know where I am." Dh saw that a lady noticed and seemed pretty troubled, and sure enough, when they got to the front of the store, dh was approached by security. By that time, ds was clinging to him and calling him "Daddy," so it was pretty clear that dh hadn't kidnapped him and they didn't pursue it. We laugh about it, but it could've been bad!

[craftyerin]

My oldest son is adopted, and is a different race than my husband and me (and our younger bio kids). Most of the time, I would rather people ask about his story in a tactful way than just stare. He was a beautiful gift to our family and I don't mind talking about it. Sometimes, though, the comments seem to come in waves and we'll have a few days out in public where it feels like everyone and their mother says something and I'll get sick of it. I've definitely had those days. :grouphug:

[Cinder]

On the flip side, my kids are friend with 2 girls who were adopted from China. They are obviously Chinese and the parents are obviously not. Recently I said something about not being able to get together because they were away at an adoption reunion and my dd looked at me and in the most surprised voice said "They are adopted?" It just never occurred to her to question why they looked so different from their parents.

 

I have a cousin who's adopted. He's my age and I didn't even know he was adopted until I was in high school and my mom mentioned it. Then I realized he actually didn't look like my other cousins. So, yeah, been there! :lol:

[FrogMom5]

Yes, a few people do this to us too. My ds10 is adopted and we get questioned. It's hurtful when it's in front of him. It singles him out. He takes it all in stride, thank goodness.

 

The funny thing is, I think he looks just like me. Somehow, he reminds me of myself when I was a kid. I'm usually rather dumbfounded when people ask about him.

 

Most people don't mention it and don't seem to care, thankfully.

Denise

[HS Mom in NC]

I wonder if people know how dumb it makes them look. Before we adopted (our youngest is a different race than the biological kids and us) I never needed it explained to me. I'm soooooooooooo smart I managed to figure out that a kid looks different than the parent when:

 

a) the child is adopted

b) the child is a step child and is with the step parent

c) the biological child has a wide range of features in their DNA from mom and dad

d) the child is a product of genetic donation (sperm/egg)

e) something else that might not come to mind, but there's no need for clarification-I can just wonder

 

Really, it doesn't take a genius to figure this sort of thing out. I've explained it to my children when they were young so they didn't go around asking personal questions of strangers.

 

When people ask about my youngest. I don't get offended. It's an opportunity to smile proudly and say, "Yes, she is adopted." The only thing that annoys me is people going out of their way to comment on how beautiful my adopted daughter is and not compliment the other two biological daughters on how beautiful they are. It's happened many times.

[cindergretta]

This is probably in seriously poor taste, for which I apologize in advance, but this thread has me :lol: !! My dh says, "There is no cure for stupidity!"

 

Grow out of being Chinese???? REALLY?!?!?!?! Yikes! :001_huh:

 

Dh is Okinawan and I am white. Our youngest has blonde hair. Yeah, don't think people don't look at us sideways... :glare:

 

Unrelated to the thread, but when ds(4th child) was born, the nurse asked if he was our first. Dh said he was our 4th. The nurse literally made this face :001_huh: , looked at dh, and said incredulously, "Are they all YOURS?!" I have never seen him turn to stone so quickly!!! :lol: He was furious! (We laugh hysterically about it now, but come on!)

 

Growing up, my mother's best friend was Irish with black hair and blue eyes. Her dh was Mexican. Their oldest son had tan skin, brown eyes, and black hair. Then they had a daughter with black hair, brown eyes, and white skin. Then a little boy with black hair, blue eyes, and white skin. Then the baby girl - white skin, blue eyes, and RED hair!! :lol: Oh my goodness, did that poor family get looks and comments!! They loved the heck out of shocking people!!

 

ITA with the sentiment about the tone in which something is said. When people are curious and it turns their filter off, it is one thing. But some things are just plain rude. Questioning paternity or maternity, especially in front of a child, is WRONG. Let's face it, affairs do happen. Is Target really the venue for 4 year old little Johnny to find out daddy isn't really his daddy?! Courtesy of a nosy, filterless stranger??? Or find out he is adopted? Or any other of a milieu of possibilities? ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wonder if people know how dumb it makes them look. Before we adopted (our youngest is a different race than the biological kids and us) I never needed it explained to me. I'm soooooooooooo smart I managed to figure out that a kid looks different than the parent when:

 

a) the child is adopted

b) the child is a step child and is with the step parent

c) the biological child has a wide range of features in their DNA from mom and dad

d) the child is a product of genetic donation (sperm/egg)

e) something else that might not come to mind, but there's no need for clarification-I can just wonder

 

Really, it doesn't take a genius to figure this sort of thing out. I've explained it to my children when they were young so they didn't go around asking personal questions of strangers.

 

When people ask about my youngest. I don't get offended. It's an opportunity to smile proudly and say, "Yes, she is adopted." The only thing that annoys me is people going out of their way to comment on how beautiful my adopted daughter is and not compliment the other two biological daughters on how beautiful they are. It's happened many times.

 

(Using your thoughts just as a jumping off point for mine):

 

I don't think it's that people are too stupid to figure out those variables (most of the time:tongue_smilie:). It's that they figure that it's their right to know exactly which one of those variables it is in your (or your child's) case.

 

Close family and friends are going to know if your child is adopted or not or what race your dh might be and what your child's ethnic history is. It's when it's some random person that it gets a bit more likely to offend. Yes, someone might want to know because they too share a similar situation but it's hard to know sometimes where these random people are coming from. You can make small talk with someone without having to satisfy your curiosity. Really!

 

I couldn't believe that my previous dental hygenist felt it necessary to satisfy her curiosity about the spacing of my children and if I had used birth control.:confused: And the person who came up to me so excited because she noticed that I too was in an inter-racial marriage - um. . . it really did not create this automatic bond where I felt like I really knew her! And I had one acquaintance comment about how happy she was that she now knew someone who had married interracially - what am I, a collector's item?!

[KidsHappen]

Sometimes my husband gets weird looks or comments from people when he is out with the boys without me. Fortunately the boys call him papa a lot, so people figure out he must really be their father. But my husband does worry that someone might think he is kidnapping them, especially if he is with only one of the boys, and he says he's been followed around a few different times in stores by people checking him out suspiciously.

 

Just recently my dd and my hubby were sitting alone on a bench outside the rec center after a volleyball game when my dd's coach caming rushing up to my dd and told her that one of the other girls was crying and asked if my dd could come talk to her and help calm her down. Then as soon as they got inside she asked my dd if she knew the weird man who was talking to her. My dd gave her a puzzled look and said, "Um yeah, that's my dad." The coach asked her if she was sure. My dd is almost 15 but she didn't really understand why her coach was asking. The coach then went to my hubby and explained and apologized. I was shocked but at the same time I was kind of glad to know that there were adults in the community that were watching out for the kids and were willing to insinuate themselves into the situation if necessary. My hubby and my dd don't look radically different from each other though. I could see where it could be that much more difficult if there was a big difference.

[KidsHappen]

I am fair skinned with brown hair and blue eyes. My oldest dd has dark skin, black hair and brown eyes. Apparently she looks bi-racial because people are always asking her, "What are you?" She was seriously perplexed as a child and usually responded with, "I am a girl?" Now, she is constantly asked if my gson is hers because he has blond hair and blue eyes.

 

Most of my girls look like me and like each other but the youngest doesn't look like any of us and she has the whole olive skin, black hair, brown eyes thing going on so she she always felt like she didn't fit in and to make things worse her own sisters used to tell her she looked Chinese. For the longest time, she was seriously concerned about whether she was adopted or maybe switched at the hospital.

 

Finally, after the fourth girl people started asking us if we were trying for a boy. When we answered no then we almost invariably got some variation of the "Don't you own a tv?" question. :001_huh:

[unsinkable]

I think it's all in the tone and how the question is asked. It's one thing to be friendly, it's another to be rude. I've had a lot of people ask me if my kids are mixed-race and follow it up with something like "I thought so, my husband is Asian and they look like my own kids" or even better "I thought so, they are beautiful." Of course I'm not offended if someone tells me my kids are beautiful or is being friendly. I've sometimes said similar comments to strangers myself.

 

It's another thing to have a stranger ask you a question like if your kids have different fathers with a tone that is rude. Or to make some of the other silly or stupid comments people told about here ("growing out of being Chinese!")

 

I have red hair and my parents both have brown. I got asked ALL THE TIME when I was little "where did you get that pretty red hair?" by well meaning adults. Did I get offended or feel like an outcast? No. Did I get really really really tired of the question? Yep.

 

I agree with you both that as a culture we can be oversensitive. I try when I get weird comments about anything (homeschooling, parenting, kids' appearance) to give the person the benefit of the doubt that they meant it in a friendly way and not insulting. But we all know that there are the occasional people out there who do say things that are rude and insulting and mean them that way. You can tell the difference. It's not worth spending a lot of time on what they said except to shake your head and file it away as a funny-sad story to share on a message board one day.

 

I agree with this. But in reading this thread and the many, many others like it, some posters' message is clear: "Do not comment about my family. It is rude."

 

I find it interesting that the most of the people in this thread described their situation with specific information of the hair color, skin color and ethinicity of their family, then write what might have been said to them. They paint a picture of why their family looks different from each other but then go on to write about the comments/incidents where people comment how different they are.

 

Trust me, I am not advocating rudeness. Not at all. Or hurtful comments. Certainly not.

 

ETA: I meant to write I love the name Alice. It was my mom's middle name.

[Zuzu822]

My husband and I joke that we have "his & hers"--ds 1 looks just like me and ds 2 is dh's mini-me. One time dh was with ds 1 at Wal-Mart. He was about 3, and we'd been talking a lot about missing each other when somebody went to the store, etc. Well, ds blurts out to dh in the middle of WM, "My mommy doesn't know where I am." Dh saw that a lady noticed and seemed pretty troubled, and sure enough, when they got to the front of the store, dh was approached by security. By that time, ds was clinging to him and calling him "Daddy," so it was pretty clear that dh hadn't kidnapped him and they didn't pursue it. We laugh about it, but it could've been bad!

 

I read once that it's not a bad idea to keep a family photo in your wallet "just in case." My husband and I do that now. Could be handy in a few situations, I bet. Lost kids, etc.

[Kirch]

I read once that it's not a bad idea to keep a family photo in your wallet "just in case." My husband and I do that now. Could be handy in a few situations, I bet. Lost kids, etc.

 

I told dh he needed to do that! :001_smile:

[Impish]

I just don't get how or why ppl think a family's make up is any of their business. So you're curious. That doesn't give you the right to question or comment. Ppl don't owe anyone information about the personal/genetic dynamics of their family.

[Mommamia]

:grouphug: We get it all the time! Just yesterday, in fact.

[MeaganS]

A lady at church yesterday came up to me and told me that she looked very hard, but she couldn't see a bit of me in my daughter. :glare: My daughters both look very similar, but look almost nothing like my husband or me. Luckily I don't find it insulting, just odd that someone would say that to a stranger.

[SweetBean]

We are one of only a few cultures where statements of the obvious and questions of the unusual are offensive...we as a culture are really overly sensitive.

 

Hedgehog,

 

These threads pop up from time to time (along with "the what people say to a big family threads"*). And basically what I have learned from them is that I should just smile at people and move on.

 

Altho' now, it looks like some people get annoyed?offended?worried?angry? if you look at them soooooo...

 

Head down, no eye contact, continue on in world on my own...

 

ETA*I forgot talking to children out in public during school hours. Can't do that, either.

 

I actually don't mind answering people's questions about our family (transracial), but I do mind having people ask my children, or bringing this up in fornt of my children who are adopted. If only people would consider the children. Yes, some of these children look different because they were adopted. Maybe, just maybe, they want to be able to leave their house without some random person reminding them that they are adopted, and that they look different from their parents. Is it more important that you can satisfy your curiosity, or that the child could have some peace while enjoying a family outing?

[SweetBean]

:iagree:

If a child does not look their parent, please don't feel like you may ask why!

 

If a child does not look like their parent, please don't make a snide comment! to the parent OR exspecially the child!

 

Please do talk to your children about things like this, so they do not feel it is okay to do the above mentioned thing!

 

Okay, (deep breathe) that is all.

 

Off to take a :chillpill: pill.

[TXMomof4]

Sometimes my husband gets weird looks or comments from people when he is out with the boys without me. Fortunately the boys call him papa a lot, so people figure out he must really be their father. But my husband does worry that someone might think he is kidnapping them, especially if he is with only one of the boys, and he says he's been followed around a few different times in stores by people checking him out suspiciously.

 

 

My kids are all obviously mine genetically - I couldn't claim otherwise. However, I have a red-head dad and my mom is dark, olive skinned. I look like my mom. When I was in elementary school I went on a trip with my dad's parents. We (my grandparents, aunt and two cousins) drove from TX across NM, AZ, to CA and back in a camper. I was very, very tan, long black hair and I was obviously different from all the family on the trip. GM is red-headed, GP is light hair, skin, cousins blond and fair, etc.

 

We were stopped by border patrol between AZ and CA. They wanted to see my immigration papers. :glare: It was horrifying at the time - now I can laugh, but I was terrified they wouldn't let me stay with my gp.

[HS Mom in NC]

I actually don't mind answering people's questions about our family (transracial), but I do mind having people ask my children, or bringing this up in fornt of my children who are adopted. If only people would consider the children. Yes, some of these children look different because they were adopted. Maybe, just maybe, they want to be able to leave their house without some random person reminding them that they are adopted, and that they look different from their parents. Is it more important that you can satisfy your curiosity, or that the child could have some peace while enjoying a family outing?

 

 

Amen to that! I spent the first year my internationally adopted child's life doing Q and A sessions with strangers almost every time I ran an errand. (I'm not exaggerating.) She was young enough to be obviously non-verbal so people tended to ask more in front of her than they do now. Different adopted children have different feelings about being obviously adopted- the last thing they need is a stranger pointing it out every time they leave the house. They're not an exhibit, a PSA, or a documentary for the curious.

 

Not everyone in America is part of the Talk Show culture. We don't all think asking personal questions of total strangers is polite-even innocent questions. It's not the tone that's rude, it's the question itself. It's like asking out of genuine curiosoty, "That engagement ring is really big. How much did it cost?" or "You seem to be using the bathroom frequently. Are you having a medical problem? " It may have no malice behind it, but it's asking a personal question that is not polite. Conception issues and racial issues are still considered by many to be personal matters and not open for causal discussion among strangers- especially when the topic of that conversation is a child who may have limited ability to understand the explanation or may have serious identity issues related to the answer.

 

Questioning details about paternity and maternity can have very sensitive answers-I know of two married couples raising a child who was concieved when the woman was raped and they chose to raise the child as thiers together. One of those kids didn't look like his mom or his dad, he looked like the SOB who produced him while committing a felony-someone who doesn't deserve to be labeled "father." The answer to "Where does this kid get his looks?" is not open to causal conversation among strangers at the grocery store.

 

I know of another couple whose wife committed adultery and concieved. She and her husband decided to work it out and stay together raising the child as theirs together. The child looks like her biological father.

[unsinkable]

I actually don't mind answering people's questions about our family (transracial), but I do mind having people ask my children, or bringing this up in fornt of my children who are adopted. If only people would consider the children. Yes, some of these children look different because they were adopted. Maybe, just maybe, they want to be able to leave their house without some random person reminding them that they are adopted, and that they look different from their parents. Is it more important that you can satisfy your curiosity, or that the child could have some peace while enjoying a family outing?

 

Maybe, just maybe you can read what I wrote and not assume that I am skipping around offending you and your children.

 

I NEVER ONCE wrote that I have EVER commented on the how a family looks or if their children look different or if the family was too big or too small or WHATEVER!

 

I couldn't give a fig about race, genetics, adoptions, fertility, etc. etc.

 

Is it more important for you to spout off on me for something I've NEVER done or is it more important for you to be kind?

 

I've got my answer by reading your nasty reply.

[cindergretta]

Maybe, just maybe you can read what I wrote and not assume that I am skipping around offending you and your children.

 

I NEVER ONCE wrote that I have EVER commented on the how a family looks or if their children look different or if the family was too big or too small or WHATEVER!

 

I couldn't give a fig about race, genetics, adoptions, fertility, etc. etc.

 

Is it more important for you to spout off on me for something I've NEVER done or is it more important for you to be kind?

 

I've got my answer by reading your nasty reply.

 

Holy smokes!! I didn't think her reply was nasty, but yours sure was! Do you deal with this issue in your own family? It might be different for people with skin in the game versus those who don't.

[unsinkable]

Forget it.

 

I don't need to respond to accusations when I am defending myself from accusations from something I've never even done. It's sickening.

Edited May 24, 2011 by unsinkable

[zaichiki]

I actually don't mind answering people's questions about our family (transracial), but I do mind having people ask my children, or bringing this up in fornt of my children who are adopted. If only people would consider the children. Yes, some of these children look different because they were adopted. Maybe, just maybe, they want to be able to leave their house without some random person reminding them that they are adopted, and that they look different from their parents. Is it more important that you can satisfy your curiosity, or that the child could have some peace while enjoying a family outing?

 

I agree with you. We've had that experience (and we don't even have anyone adopted or of mixed heritage). I truly do not get why someone would think it was any of their business to know, for example (as was asked of me), "Are they the same race?" Who CARES if the stranger is curious. Sheesh!

[LisainOhio]

For me, it's about the tone. I can look beyond ignorance and curiousity but sometimes there is obviously rudeness going on.

 

As for my daughter, it's often hurtful for her. She's 6 and going through a very difficult time with processing information about her adoption. She has been talking a lot about how maybe I would love a child more if they looked like me or if they "grew in my uterus". Every time someone asks questions about her race, dark skin, hair color, etc it brings up how different she looks and it leads to sleep issues, discussions about her birth family, birth culture and her questioning me about my desire to have a child who looks like me.

 

It's also become clear to her lately that some people ask rude questions because they are prejudiced against people who look like her. It's painful stuff.

 

So while I get that people are curious or whatever, it can be hurtful for the child who is standing there hearing the questions and comments.

[stripe]

If a child does not look their parent, please don't feel like you may ask why!

Or do not ask where my husband is from and then say that it's not possible for this to be his child.

 

Thanks, but no thanks.

 

In this case, not a stranger!

[zaichiki]

Or do not ask where my husband is from and then say that it's not possible for this to be his child.

 

 

'Cause THIS person is the EXPERT, right? :glare: (We have "experts" in our family, too.)

[Punchie]

My sister and I still get asked if we are full sisters, and we're adults. Heck...I didn't even realize she has some random nose that matches none in our family until last Thanksgiving (I think this is part of the reason why we get asked that question). She's still a natural blonde while everyone else has dark hair. I can't count how many times we've gone out and ppl make comments on how pretty her DD is - my DD, but it's the matching hair/eyes that get ppl.

 

For a bit of levity - my dad tells a story of when I was around 2-3 yrs old. I got separated from him in a store. He said he found me right as my blond haired, blue eyed self walked up to an African American man, yelled "daddy!" and hugged his knees (b/c hey...all knees look the same, right?). Both men had a good laugh over that.

[cin]

For a bit of levity - my dad tells a story of when I was around 2-3 yrs old. I got separated from him in a store. He said he found me right as my blond haired, blue eyed self walked up to an African American man, yelled "daddy!" and hugged his knees (b/c hey...all knees look the same, right?). Both men had a good laugh over that.

 

That is precious! Almost brought tears to my eyes. I think just feeling that hug and hearing that Daddy!

 

 

Well, it's not secret that I have 2 BEAUTIFUL Asian girls. And 99% of the time, if people ask questions, I use that opportunity to promote adoption. There is 1 question that I prefer they not ask in front of my kids, but I don't mind answering if asked discreetly, and that is how much did 'they' cost.

 

The other question that I HATE is Are They Sisters. I will answer you VERY snarky. Especially if my girls are standing there listening to you plant that seed that they might NOT be, in their heads. My oldest answered it for me the first time: Yeah, we have the same mommy and daddy. If my girls are listening I will politely say, they have the same mom and dad, so yup, they are sisters! If they are NOT listening, I will tell you that one's from VN and one's from China, but *I* am mommy to Both, so what would you call it?:angry: I've also been known to point to their children and ask if they are siblings. Especially if my children heard the comment. Boy was she sputtering and backtracking.