Ottakee Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I was just wondering where/who you go to for advice on marriage, "tea" issues, and other more personal topics. I know this board is NOT here for that and that is great. I have some close friends that I would share some things with but out of respect for dh, I don't. I don't want my friends to think bad of dh just because we may have disagreed on something, were struggling in an area, etc. Even after dh and I would work through an issue, it would be in the mind of my friend when they saw dh. (same goes for a guy venting to his friends about dw) Does that make sense? I can see though a great need for mentoring of young couples, a safe place for women (and men) to get some great support for the marriages, intimacy issues, etc. How do you handle this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 There isn't anyone in real life I could go to either. Thankfully, I do know how to get professional help if I need to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 My best friend. She loves both Wolf and I. I know that she doesn't hold anything against him anymore than she would against me. She's the cool head, the shoulder, the kick in the pants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 No one in real life. I talk with my friends about minor marriage issues, but I'm not comfortable revealing things that are particularly sensitive/intimate. I just lurk on these boards and learn stuff I never knew I didn't know. :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I don't really… if we have 'stuff' going on in our lives, we just deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 A very small, private message board with people who I've known for close 6-7 years has been helpful for me to sort out certain issues. We don't get to much into tea issues though. We're all Christian women, we are alike in many ways, but different enough that we can get advice and support from a variety of perspectives, and everyone is of the opinion that it takes two to make a marriage(or not) so there is an awareness that sometimes we just need support as wives and that our husband's could easily vent their spleens about us. And sometimes a DH is right and that's a place someone can gently be told, just as other times we can gently be told that, no that is a big deal. For certain big issues, I'll talk to my priest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virg Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I don't have anyone either. My friends are friends with both of us and I don't think it is fair to color their view of him. I would go to counseling if things ever got bad but for all the little bumps and fights I have no one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I don't really… if we have 'stuff' going on in our lives, we just deal. :iagree: I generally don't talk with anyone but my husband about intimacy and/or issues in our marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Only my husband or a therapist we both trust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 If I need more advice on an issue than simply hashing things out with dh could provide, then I would seek professional help. There was one time when we were close to this. But dh got someone to watch the kids and we sat and talked for hours. We didn't get everything sorted out that day but his willingness to put our relationship first, no matter how much time it took, helped a whole bunch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I pray and check out a bunch of books from the library on the issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 :iagree: I generally don't talk with anyone but my husband about intimacy and/or issues in our marriage. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 Interesting responses so far......mostly reporting that you have no one. Do you WISH that you had some real live person that you could discuss these issues with, outside of a counselor? I am thinking more along the lines of a mentor of the same faith/values that could really help and support you through something----not just husband bashing, but someone that would give you good advice and support? I have a few close friends but one is single, never married so I woudn't disucss marriage issues with her. Another one I would if I REALLY needed to but for little things, we don't go into specifics as I don't want to color her views of dh or me of hers. Then some other friends have different faith/value backgrounds so they woudl not be the ones to go for difficult issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prairie~Phlox Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Do a search for the marriage bed. Wonderful Christian website to discuss things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 (edited) I guess the definition of "husband bashing" is in need of explaination. I do not see seeking advice on a situation that is hurting the wife as husband bashing. I feel that this is a CRITICAL error in Christian circles in particular that is hurting our sisters dearly. We need to comfort these women who are pouring their hearts out to find clarity and wisdom regarding their marriages. That is not the same as saying "My husband is such a lazy pig! If only he worked harder!" That is husband bashing.... Edited May 16, 2011 by AngelBee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Interesting responses so far......mostly reporting that you have no one. Do you WISH that you had some real live person that you could discuss these issues with, outside of a counselor? I don't. My husband and I did encounter a very serious issue, but I never felt comfortable talking about it with anyone else. Probably because my mother once told me, "Don't ever tell your family about problems in your marriage. Some day you will forgive and forget, but your family will always remember how he hurt you." Right or wrong, that advice has always stayed with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 We have a small group of friends - no more than a dozen - who we go to for support when things get rough. They fulfil the following criteria: they are 100% trustworthy they love both me and my dh and will not think badly of either of us, no matter what we talk about they belong to the same church group as we do, and are strong in faith they are older than we are they are (or were) all married for many years they are for sticking together, but not against separation they are both men and women ALL of those points are really, really important to us. Our life would be much more difficult without those people; it's my prayer that the Lord will bless them greatly for the way they've helped us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Do a search for the marriage bed. Wonderful Christian website to discuss things. Yes, with a caveat. It is still people's opinions and they can be VERY flawed. One poster was 'concerned' because her husband was discovered practicing bea$stality. :001_huh: Other posters encouraged her to work through the issues. REALLY?! Her dh is a rapist and they outta' work it out?! That was scary and hopefully a troll, but still..... A PP said that they would discuss tea issues with a priest. How does that work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have 3 friends I can go to with EVERYTHING. I've never worried about them holding anything against DH. He really doesn't do anything that wrong. He can be an insensitive jerk at times but by the end of the conversation, we just laugh about it. And the same with their spouses/partners. I cannot imagine living without my girls! And yes, we discuss sex too. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have no one to discuss marriage issues with that are impartial, rational people. I have 2 good friends and one is not married and the other is always an emotional mess with problems of her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have some lifelong friends that I talk to. Or, if it were that bad, a therapist. But I don't talk about teA with anyone. If there were problems that we had to deal with we'd be at therapy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Probably because my mother once told me, "Don't ever tell your family about problems in your marriage. Some day you will forgive and forget, but your family will always remember how he hurt you."Right or wrong, that advice has always stayed with me. :iagree:My mom has said the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gratia271 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I guess the definition of "husband bashing" is in need of explaination. I do not see seeking advice on a situation that is hurting the wife as husband bashing. I feel that this is a CRITICAL error in Christian circles in particular that is hurting our sisters dearly. We need to comfort these women who are pouring their hearts out to find clarity and wisdom regarding their marriages. That is not the same as saying "My husband is such a lazy pig! If only he worked harder!" That is husband bashing.... I just began wondering this very thing about defining terms. I agree with you wholeheartedly this is a grave error in Christian circles. I cannot stomach the advice women give other women about these matters, telling them they are "spoiled brats" who need to be grateful for whatever they receive from their husbands, who need to be ready, willing and available any time or it's their fault their husbands cheat.... on and on. It makes me physically ill. Some of the worst advice on marital relations has come from pulpits and from women who, in my opinion, have been brainwashed into accepting a servile role. If they want that for themselves and/or for their daughters, that's their business. It doesn't make them any better or any more righteous to accept such treatment. As I said in a post about offering advice where only one side is known, I am mortified at some of the posts here on the boards in the recent past that were directed at women who simply posted for support. Believe me, you can feel free to pm me or email me anytime. You need to take care of yourself! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I just began wondering this very thing about defining terms. I agree with you wholeheartedly this is a grave error in Christian circles. I cannot stomach the advice women give other women about these matters, telling them they are "spoiled brats" who need to be grateful for whatever they receive from their husbands, who need to be ready, willing and available any time or it's their fault their husbands cheat.... on and on. It makes me physically ill. Some of the worst advice on marital relations has come from pulpits and from women who, in my opinion, have been brainwashed into accepting a servile role. If they want that for themselves and/or for their daughters, that's their business. It doesn't make them any better or any more righteous to accept such treatment. As I said in a post about offering advice where only one side is known, I am mortified at some of the posts here on the boards in the recent past that were directed at women who simply posted for support. Believe me, you can feel free to pm me or email me anytime. You need to take care of yourself! :grouphug: :grouphug: Thank you. I actually have a blog that I started and then never posted called "Unequally Yoked". It is horribly lonely to be in a one sided marriage. But according to many Christians, if I was just a better wife... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have no one to discuss marriage issues with that are impartial, rational people. I have 2 good friends and one is not married and the other is always an emotional mess with problems of her own. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 .. A PP said that they would discuss tea issues with a priest. How does that work? Oops, was that me? I mentioned my priest, but I didn't mean for specific tea issues. I must have worded that wrong. That particular cup is handled between DH and I. I have spoken with my priest about differing opinions on birth control and one other marriage issue where I needed good, confidential counsel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Oops, was that me?I mentioned my priest, but I didn't mean for specific tea issues. I must have worded that wrong. That particular cup is handled between DH and I. I have spoken with my priest about differing opinions on birth control and one other marriage issue where I needed good, confidential counsel. Yeah, that might have been you. I was thinking of it in terms of 'tea issues', which is what prompted the :001_huh: thought. Of course, imo you get a richer depth of marital advice when given by someone who is married. I understand that many disagree with that, but hearing from someone who has been in the trenches does help, rather than only studying marraige from a more intellectual perspective. ymmv. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 There have been many threads on general marital issues: what do you do if you and your spouse disagree on xyz, what do you do if one spouse isn't interested in teA anymore, what do you think about the concept of submission. . . or not, what do you think. . . There are ways to talk about general issues and get general principles without making these threads personal. I do have a cadre of about 10 posters on this board who have proved themselves to me to be wise women. I have gone to them for private advice before - mostly on my teen but I would about my dh too - issues where I need advice but need to also protect my loved one's privacy. I've asked irl friends the same kinds of general questions as I mentioned in my first paragraph. There are books about marriage and issues in marriage. I would use a counselor not so much for objective information (I'd rather use books or general discussion for that) but as a mediator between my dh and I if we could not talk calmly about the issues at hand. If we could talk calmly enough so that communication is still happening (this doesn't mean without emotion!) then I'd rather do without the mediator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sebastian (a lady) Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I was just wondering where/who you go to for advice on marriage, "tea" issues, and other more personal topics. I know this board is NOT here for that and that is great. I have some close friends that I would share some things with but out of respect for dh, I don't. I don't want my friends to think bad of dh just because we may have disagreed on something, were struggling in an area, etc. Even after dh and I would work through an issue, it would be in the mind of my friend when they saw dh. (same goes for a guy venting to his friends about dw) Does that make sense? I can see though a great need for mentoring of young couples, a safe place for women (and men) to get some great support for the marriages, intimacy issues, etc. How do you handle this? I agree that I'm not going to bring up most issues within a women's Bible study or chatting over the fence. Fortunately I do have one long time friend who is both a Godly counselor and someone whom I can trust. She has also proven incredible discrete over the years on other topics. Plus I am confident that she would be willing to tell me that I was in the wrong (because she has before) as much as encourage me by telling me I was right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Definitely never my family or friends--not for serious issues anyway. Probably talk to our pastor if there was something terrible, or maybe a therapist. I've asked for opinions on a couple of forums before (where I'm a long-time poster), but only for frivolous things. Generally, I think it's disrespectful to my husband to discuss serious marital problems when he isn't available for input. So if there's a big issue and we can't talk (fight????) it out, we'd go together for help. I also have a personal rule about not embarrassing or shaming my husband in front of people or arguing in public. Forums are fairly public, so it seems that would apply online. Years ago at a conference, an older minister advised us to leave family out of marital conflicts, because we will make up and forgive but family will remember forever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have several people IRL I can talk to. They love dh, too, so they will tell me if I'm acting like a b*tthead as well. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lostinabook Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 No one. I'll gripe to my sister & maybe one good friend about minor annoyances, but not about bigger things. I've had too many instances where someone has told me stuff about her husband & then I could never look at the husband the same way again. I don't think it was generally the person's intent, but it's what has happened. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Yeah, that might have been you. I was thinking of it in terms of 'tea issues', which is what prompted the :001_huh: thought. Of course, imo you get a richer depth of marital advice when given by someone who is married. I understand that many disagree with that, but hearing from someone who has been in the trenches does help, rather than only studying marraige from a more intellectual perspective. ymmv. I don't disagree with you. My priest is married. He and his wife have 3 children. :D I attend an Eastern Orthodox church. A priest can be married, so long as he is married prior to being ordained as a priest. I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on marriage and raising a child has been richer because he's not only BTDT, but is still doing that(his children are young, but older than mine.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 I have shared deeply with my girlfriends. Years ago, I had a lot of need to "offload" and they were there for me. We have all matured over the years and try to support each other in a way that is positive rather than supporting of victimness etc And I listen to their issues. Tea and all. I am so grateful for them, but i have also overstepped the line at times in what I feel comfortable sharing- or the attitude with which I share- but I have learned from my mistakes. We have also gone for marriage counselling but it never helped much in our case. I don't think most marital issues get solved, really. You just grow, communicate, and learn to live with certain things. Dh and i have learned certain ways of communicating that have helped- such as active listening- where you listen and repeat back what you think you heard the other say. It has helped us to feel heard and understood without feeling we have to actually agree with each other. We both live in what you might call therapeutic cultures, so we are willing to have a good look at ourselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks for all of the varied replies. Dh and I are NOT having issue (just in case anyone was wondering) but I was wondering if this is something that is lacking in the church----maybe the older women mentoring the younger women type thing-----talking through through marriage issues, supporting them through various stages of life, etc. Personally, I would go to a close friend or a pastor before going to our famlies with serious issues. Actually, we might would go to a friend and her husband (who was a missionary/pastor) as then we could go as a couple. I agree that you as a couple might move beyond it but your family might not..........which could then lead to bigger issues later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I don't disagree with you.My priest is married. He and his wife have 3 children. :D I attend an Eastern Orthodox church. A priest can be married, so long as he is married prior to being ordained as a priest. I feel like a lot of the advice I've been given on marriage and raising a child has been richer because he's not only BTDT, but is still doing that(his children are young, but older than mine.) I 'sit' corrected. I keep forgetting that not all priests are Catholic. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandra in FL Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I don't. My husband and I did encounter a very serious issue, but I never felt comfortable talking about it with anyone else.Probably because my mother once told me, "Don't ever tell your family about problems in your marriage. Some day you will forgive and forget, but your family will always remember how he hurt you." Right or wrong, that advice has always stayed with me. So true. I've never spoken ill of dh to my family. The one time we had an issue, I went to my mother-in-law. As a mother, I knew she wouldn't tell any one and would love him no matter what. She also had a very vested interest in making sure that everything worked out (if only for the grandkids). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Not a single soul in real life. I'm not religious, so I don't go to church. I don't know if I would feel comfortable with a minister/priest/pastor type person anyway. I wouldn't go to family. I just don't think it's right. I've seen too many relationships where the wife has had a "woe is me" moment and divulged all the secrets of the marriage to friends/mom/sister and then long after the couple have kissed and made up, the friends/mom/sister still don't trust that so-and-so. I am part of another online group that is super small, about 10 regular posters, private, password protected, and not accepting new members where I have "vented" a few times. It's the only place I feel safe, and I am still very careful what I say there. As a woman, sometimes I feel as if "silence" is my cross to bear. Edited May 17, 2011 by TejasMamacita Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmkzbcb Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Not a single soul in real life. As a woman, sometimes I feel as if "silence" is my cross to bear. :iagree: Kinda stinks though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CanaryMelody Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I have no one IRL either to vent, share, or simply share even the joys in my life. I wish I did, though. I've tried connecting with other women, but everyone around here is too busy with their own lives and their own circle of friends to include one more. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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