Osmosis Mom Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Your new friend emails that your girls are invited to her dd's party and you immediately say, sure, they can come because you are polite. The hcild having the party is 6 or 7, but your girls are trying to help her make friends and the mother likes you. They live over an hour away and they know you because you have included them in your activities so they won't be lonely (private events taking place monthly with two other local families). OK, so a week later you receive email that her dd is selecting whom to invite (mother is thinking she should choose whom to invite; this is a socalled lonely child who is now not inviting fx. a long-time pal whom they don't care for too much but whom they have seen for years until our bunch came along). One of our local friends here has younger girls (the woman who is doing the party has girls ages 1, 4, 6/7) and she emails me that she didn't want to invite this last person (to whose house she is going next week for our monthly gathering) because she has younger girls. These girls are 1, 4, 6, but my girls have taken these girls under their wings so they are very mature and so not a problem ever. They are the sweetest, easiest girls I have ever met actually, but that's beyond the point. So, she emails me and asks if it is ok to not invite them and I say that it would be awkward and hurtful if she finds out. She then emails everyone invited (incl. this person) and gives details of her party including that it is for afges 7-10 (what?), that she can't multi-task so mothers are kindly asked to go somewhere else(I trust her, but what, I am driving over an hour and can't attend with my toddler and baby if I want to??), and that finally her dd's behaviour is on watch so she might have to cancel and reschedule it but would let us know 3 days in advance (and my girls already know about the party). The local friend emailed me and said (sadly since she also wants friends for her girls) that since it is geared for ages 7-10 ( a nice way of inviting, but not really inviting) then her 4/5 year old couldn't go and that would be too stressful so she wouldn't go at all then. I don't want to go. I could car-pool with the last friend,but I doubt she wants to send her girls if she can't stay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I guess you don't have to feel sorry for her any more. :D When things get too weird I decline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Weird! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I would just reply that, sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it after all. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anita in NC Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Just cancel. Say that you won't be able to attend after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 If you don't want to go, just tell her you won't be able to make it. It all sounds too complicated, especially the part about canceling as soon as 3 days in advance. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't be pleased to go through the trouble of shopping for and wrapping a gift, to have a parent cancel a party for bad behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Waaay too complicated for a child's birthday party. I'd probably decline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Sounds like the mom is totally over thinking this b-day party. Maybe she needs gentle direction? But, rather can get entangled in all of that, I would just bow out politely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 She is putting way too much thought into the entire thing. I wouldn't go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Honestly, I think she's looking for ways to back out of the party. I would just tell her it no longer works for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I guess you don't have to feel sorry for her any more. :D When things get too weird I decline. If you don't want to go, just tell her you won't be able to make it. It all sounds too complicated, especially the part about canceling as soon as 3 days in advance. :tongue_smilie: I wouldn't be pleased to go through the trouble of shopping for and wrapping a gift, to have a parent cancel a party for bad behavior. :iagree: Time to bow out gracefully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hathersage Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Did anyone else find it weird that she said she can't multi-task so she doesn't want other moms there? I know when I can't multi-task having other adults around is a big help. The whole thing is weird all around, and I would decline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Yup. Another vote for just bowing out. Too weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jumping In Puddles Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I would decline, without a doubt and without guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 She then emails everyone invited (incl. this person) and gives details of her party including that it is for afges 7-10 (what?), that she can't multi-task so mothers are kindly asked to go somewhere else(I trust her, but what, I am driving over an hour and can't attend with my toddler and baby if I want to??), and that finally her dd's behaviour is on watch so she might have to cancel and reschedule it but would let us know 3 days in advance (and my girls already know about the party). The local friend emailed me and said (sadly since she also wants friends for her girls) that since it is geared for ages 7-10 ( a nice way of inviting, but not really inviting) then her 4/5 year old couldn't go and that would be too stressful so she wouldn't go at all then. "I'm so sorry that my kids won't be able to come to the party after all. The time won't work for us, and you know, it's just so far away! I wish it had all worked out!" And then take your kids out for ice cream, or have an ice cream sundae bar afternoon at your house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I guess you don't have to feel sorry for her any more. :D When things get too weird I decline. Sounds like the mom is totally over thinking this b-day party. Maybe she needs gentle direction? But, rather can get entangled in all of that, I would just bow out politely. :iagree: I don't really have an issue with the age thing, tho she did it wrong. What she should have done is address the invitations directly and only to those it pertained to. For example, if my oldest dd were the only one being invited she would have written it as: Miss K LastName is invited to... (this let's me know my other children are not invited) And yeah, it's rude to suggest I drive an hour to drop off my one daughter and then what? just twiddle my thumbs out in the car until it is over?:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beccad777 Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I personally would not drop my DD at someone's house and leave unless I knew that person EXTREMELY well. But then, I'm paranoid like that. Especially since it all sounds very weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beccad777 Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Oh, and I usually find someone to watch my other kids if one child is invited to a birthday party. It's not fair to the host to have, in my case, 4 extra kids tag along. Plus, kids need things that they do that are just for them in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brilliant Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 :iagree: I don't really have an issue with the age thing, tho she did it wrong. I agree - it's reasonable for her to want to have a party for children that are her child's age. But she could have done it in a more polite/less flaky way. It's also reasonable for you & your friends with younger children to decline the invitation, since she's so far away. If the invited children really want to attend, maybe those with younger children could hang out at a park together and have your own fun afternoon nearby? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I guess you don't have to feel sorry for her any more. :D When things get too weird I decline. :iagree: This!!! If it was me, something would 'come up suddenly' and I wouldn't be attending. It is getting way too strange and I can see feelings being hurt and it could make things uncomfortable for you in the other relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Hmmm, We can't get excited for things that may be cancelled; it's too hard on my children. Of course, with people being like this I often don't tell my kids till we're almost on our way. I would call up the other "disinvited/basically" friend and do something special with her. Fun for both of you, and probably not an hour away. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I guess you don't have to feel sorry for her any more. :D When things get too weird I decline. Yes. No kidding. No sympathy here. What an incredibly awkward situation. It really is no wonder they struggle to make friends. Don't worry about it. At least your other friend has an "out". I actually feel sorry for you for having to attend. It sounds like a day to simply "get through", rather than enjoy. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susankenny Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 "I'm so sorry that my kids won't be able to come to the party after all. The time won't work for us, and you know, it's just so far away! I wish it had all worked out!" And then take your kids out for ice cream, or have an ice cream sundae bar afternoon at your house. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 One of those things where the mom handled it very awkwardly. Bow out gracefully and send the daughter a cute card in the mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RecumbentHeart Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I feel so bad for her daughter who is supposed to be having a party! But yeah .. it's sounding unreasonable. I wouldn't go. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 it sounds like a mom with a high need for control. i think you have to weigh whether you feel strongly enough about having your dds help this child with relationships vs. the feeling that this is not something you want to be involved with. you gave a great, gentle, honest answer about the other family. fwiw, if you can come up with something similar to explain why you are bowing out, that might be kindest in the long run. hth, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 I would bow out and have your dds send bday cards. It sounds like you are more worried about this woman's child making friends and having a nice birthday than she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 One of those things where the mom handled it very awkwardly. Bow out gracefully and send the daughter a cute card in the mail. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firestar Academy Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Oh, and I usually find someone to watch my other kids if one child is invited to a birthday party. It's not fair to the host to have, in my case, 4 extra kids tag along. Plus, kids need things that they do that are just for them in my opinion. :iagree: i would bring a book and sit in the car and read/nap or ask if they have wifi and research on the laptop. I can find 100 things to do while 1 is at a party and leave the others home with hubby... I totally understand the muti-tasking. she may know herself well enough that she may be distracted by other mothers to stay on focus for the party. also, my house is no longer baby-proofed and I find other moms let their kids run rampant in my house. now in my case, I don't like littles running around my house, and i DO get distracted by other moms. I plan the parties and embrace it! we have a backyard full of playground equiptment and a pool. everyone comes and hangs out. there are no 'organized' activites except singing happy birthday. I am free to talk to moms and littles are welcome to run around the back yard. YMMV Robin in NJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted May 5, 2011 Author Share Posted May 5, 2011 Well, no, I won't be going. Haven't told her yet. I am sort of a mentor or something to her (older Muslim homeschooler) and she asks me for advice. I had thought of going and staying somewhere for 3-4 hours with my baby and preschooler (after driving for close to 90 minutes), but on my own request, not because I am not invited. That feels so rude especially since we opened up for her in our group since she was lonely or something. She seems to be scared of her dd, giving her choices whom to invite etc. and then in the end, well, I'll just cancel. OK, this was after I gently told her in an email that yes, she should invite the other woman with young girls (btw her own dd is very young and still I invited her over and brought her to our group) and that if she overthought whom to invite and did not invite her oldies friends that in the end perhaps not many would end up coming... I am actually seriously thinking of pulling away from her and finding an out to not have her back in our group next year. She is not bringing anything to our group except her company (we cook and eat together) and on top of that then it was too complicated for her to invite us moms and babies and this mother with girls who are the same height as her own two PLUS way better behaved. She basically invited girls way older than her own. Sorry to keep on ranting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 Did anyone else find it weird that she said she can't multi-task so she doesn't want other moms there? I know when I can't multi-task having other adults around is a big help. The whole thing is weird all around, and I would decline. Yes, that had me :confused:. I'd decline too. Very odd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 If it's this bad now, it'll get more complicated and worse as her child gets older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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