Letting family live with you when you really don't want to. (warning: ramble)

[PinkInTheBlue]

So my MIL is back in the hospital. She's been in and out of the hospital about 10 times since January. She calls the ambulance when she stumbles outside and falls and feels fine but "want to get checked out". She calls the ambulance all the time. When she's in the hospital she's as happy as a lark. She's cheerful and talkative but as soon as she gets home she's so terribly poor, pitiful that I just can't stand it. I know, I'm a terrible nurse but only once enough is enough.

 

When we moved to this town about 7 years ago, she wanted to move with us. She moved in and, unfortunately, it took telling her she had to find somewhere to live over a year later before she did anything. She just locked herself in the room she was in and, apparently, disagreed with how we were raising the boys. That was a bad enough experience.

 

A year ago this past January she had surgery and now that we are in a new house she had to put a hospital bed in the middle of the living room. She's only in her mid/early 60's but she wants to be old. She wants us to take care of her. I can't. My husband is at his wits end with her and every conversation they have ends in him being so frustrated that it takes him a while to calm down.

 

Our business we had been with for years ended not the best and we've only recently found a new "vendor" to work with and have had to start all over. If you've ever successfully been self-employed, you can imagine how the stress is here already.

 

BUT, she's seems to really not have any choices. She's spent these past several years trying to be old and she's isolated herself as the "old cat lady". She has no friends. I truly believe she gets sick when she needs attention. The doctors keep doing little things here and there but they say they don't see anything that's causing what's happening to her.

 

What do we do? We have to decide tonight or in the morning. We've done this twice and the additional stress this will bring makes me literally start shaking. My husband and his mom are already not getting along and the enormous amount of care she would require would be like bringing home a newborn. Plus, there's no end in sight. It's a "until I get on my feet" request.

 

I don't really have anyone else to talk this over with and my husband and I have talked it to death. I'm at a wall. I don't feel like we have any choice in the matter and I want to throw up at the thought of what it very possibly might do to my house.

 

Ugh :confused:

[Danestress]

start there.

 

Find out if she is eligible to be in rehab and if her insurance will cover it. If she is not and the hospital is willing to release her to her own home, then I would ask to get help in making that happen. Get the social worker involved in finding whatever elder care resources are available.

 

Does your DH have whatever paper work he needs in order to be able to talk to her doctors? I would absolutely insist on that. I would let her know we won't consider taking her in unless she agrees to that.

[Carol in Cal.]

Can she go into a continuing care facility that is close by so you can pop in every day but she can progress up and down the levels of care? The nice thing about those is that people enter when they are still ambulatory, and they don't have to cook if they don't want to, but they can, and then if they need care (like assisted living or nursing home care) it's right there on site where they already have friendships. Those places tend to have recreational specialists and lots of things to do--kind of like being on a cruise ship, but with nursing care available if necessary.

[momofkhm]

I don't know Jessica. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know if my MIL lived with me, I'd go nuts. Not because I would be taking care of her as you would yours, but because she feels a need to be involved with everything. She has to know everything and comment on everything. And her comments just irritate the snot out of me! It's one reason I wish she wasn't my friend on facebook.

 

I wish I could say either suck it up or no way. But honestly, I'd be right there in the middle with you - feeling like I should say yes, but knowing my sanity would take a huge hit.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Meriwether]

I think you have to consider the well-being of your immediate family first. I, personally, would take in my in-laws if it was the only option. But it would truly have to be the only feasible option. And my MIL would have to have her own kitchen.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Facing a similar situation here but with both in-laws. I have no advice. Here are a couple of these though :grouphug::grouphug:.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I would encourage her to go to a retirement community where she gets a meal plan and they have staff there to handle things. My mom went into one of these after she had several small strokes. While she missed being in her own place, I felt a tremendous peace of mind that I knew she was eating once a day and that she was getting out of bed each day.

 

Wherever she goes, the hospital should not be releasing her without an at home care plan if she is really as bad as she says she is. Do talk to the social worker. If they don't have one involved with her release, request one.

[Amy in NH]

I would encourage her to go to a retirement community where she gets a meal plan and they have staff there to handle things. My mom went into one of these after she had several small strokes. While she missed being in her own place, I felt a tremendous peace of mind that I knew she was eating once a day and that she was getting out of bed each day.

 

Wherever she goes, the hospital should not be releasing her without an at home care plan if she is really as bad as she says she is. Do talk to the social worker. If they don't have one involved with her release, request one.

 

:iagree:

[tex-mex]

I think you have to consider the well-being of your immediate family first. I, personally, would take in my in-laws if it was the only option. But it would truly have to be the only feasible option. And my MIL would have to have her own kitchen.

This is why some folks in the past have built an addition to their home -- a "MIL" suite complete with a mini kitchenette, bathroom and separate entry/carport.

 

Another idea is to suggest an assistive care/retirement village? But they are very $$$ expensive. The last resort is to put her in a nursing home if she has the insurance or SSI/disability. If not, this is time for a family meeting with the siblings and decide who takes the responsibility. The other siblings should chip in for the care. My hubby's grandma went into a retirement village/assistive care facility and the siblings (his uncle & mother) divvy'ed up the monthly fees for her to be there. It was in Florida. They were in NJ and CA. It worked out quite nicely. G'ma had tons of social activity, meals, someone to check in on her, church on site, haircare on site, pool on site, and when her health took a turn for the worse -- she moved to the other side of the village and went into assistive care 24/7 with nurses. HTH

 

http://www.epworthvillagerc.com/

[oldskool]

Have you tried having the doctor prescribe an ant-depressant for her? When my FIL lived with us he acted similarly to your MIL. He would lie on the couch or stay in his room all day, often times, not speaking. We ended up in the emergency room countless times because he thought he was dieing. Finally, a doctor realized that he probably was just depressed. My MIL had passed away and he just never knew how to move on. He would sit and think about his life and became very resentful and sad. The medication helped him enormously. When he comes to visit us he is much, much better. It was so difficult living with him before because I was the one who was home all day and dh got a break when he went to work. The kids also became edgy because I was irritable. Throw homeschooling on top of it and sometimes it was unbearable. Anyway, I just wanted to mention the anti-depressants because it made a huge difference for us. I hope you come to a good resolution. I know these decisions are terrible to make. :grouphug:

 

Lesley

[elfgivas]

the hospital social worker is a great person to talk to. ask her what she thinks and what is possible.

 

in the short term, you can say "no" now and change it to "yes" later if you can bring others on board to help.... but if you say "yes" now, "no" later is almost impossible. if the doctors truly can't see a cause, it may be remotely possible that this latest episode is so that you will let her move back in.

 

i wouldn't. but it is oh so hard...

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Hedgehog]

With what you've written, there's no way I can see that your MIL living with you would be a good thing. Raising kids - whether you HS or not - is a busy time of life, and I gather you have your own business; it sounds like you have a lot on your plate anyway.

 

1) What would she do if you lived 100's - or 1000's - of miles away?

 

2) Is there something like sheltered accommodation near you - I don't know what you call it - sort of like retirement apartments with a warden living in the building, available to help the residents out - so that she can continue to live independently, but have quicker access to assistance?

 

3) If she's really poorly, I would think she needs more care than you can give her anyway; would a nursing home be more appropriate?

 

:grouphug: to you.. pressure from family is so much more complex than any other, IMO.

[Trish]

Well is she actually an invalid, or not? Maybe you could put her to work cooking, cleaning and helping with the kids. Might breathe new life into her.

[katilac]

I would not have her move in with me. She will never, ever leave.

 

I have already outed myself as the terrible daugher/d-i-l who does not plan on taking care of the aged parents on either side, lol. What I mean by that is that I do not want anyone moving in with us, and I will not phsyically take care of them.

 

I would go to great expense and great lengths to keep both sets of parents safe and happy IN THEIR OWN HOME. I will visit frequently, even daily if needed and possible, and I will help out in any way I can. But I'm quite confident that we will all be happier if retreat to our separate corners at the end of the day. One set of parents lives close enough to do this already, and I've said that the farther away set will need to move a lot closer if they ever want/need practical, ongoing help. It's just reality.

 

By physical care, I mean helping them to bathe, doing in-home medical stuff like giving shots or changing bandages, changing diapers, etc. Ugh, sorry, way too squeamish. Many people think I am horrid for being upfront about this, but seriously folks, there is a reason I am not in a medical or personal care profession. Again, I feel like the relationship will prosper more if I facilitate someone else doing these things, rather than doing them myself.

 

All of which is my long-winded way of saying, don't feel bad for not doing as she wishes. You are not tossing her into the streets if you don't have her move in with you. Be upfront about how much and what kind of help you can offer.

[AuntieM]

I would encourage her to go to a retirement community where she gets a meal plan and they have staff there to handle things. My mom went into one of these after she had several small strokes. While she missed being in her own place, I felt a tremendous peace of mind that I knew she was eating once a day and that she was getting out of bed each day.

 

Wherever she goes, the hospital should not be releasing her without an at home care plan if she is really as bad as she says she is. Do talk to the social worker. If they don't have one involved with her release, request one.

 

I agree. To me it sounds like she may be lonely. A retirement community (NOT a nursing home) may provide her with both security and new friendships. You and the kids can visit her often.

 

I don't think having her live with you would be beneficial for anyone. She may *think* it's what she wants, but she won't be truly happy there if the rest of you are miserable and resentful.

Edited April 15, 2011 by AuntieM

[Veritaserum]

I would encourage her to go to a retirement community where she gets a meal plan and they have staff there to handle things. My mom went into one of these after she had several small strokes. While she missed being in her own place, I felt a tremendous peace of mind that I knew she was eating once a day and that she was getting out of bed each day.

 

Wherever she goes, the hospital should not be releasing her without an at home care plan if she is really as bad as she says she is. Do talk to the social worker. If they don't have one involved with her release, request one.

 

:iagree: My ILs are (finally) moving out today and I will never, ever, ever invite another extended family to live with us. Never. We've had dh's parents AND his brother AND his brother's wife AND his brother's baby. It's simply not something I can do and stay sane enough to be a good mom to my kids. You already know that it would be bad to bring your MIL back into your home. I think you just need reassurance that it doesn't make you a bad person for sending her elsewhere. :grouphug:

[PinkInTheBlue]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. For clarification she is getting SS from herself and her deceased husband, disability and medi-whatever. She says she absolutely can't afford to keep her little apartment and afford any care facility. She also says she can't even get herself out of the hospital bed right now. She assumes they are going to release her tomorrow. So many of her family already believes we are heartless because we don't play her poor, pitiful games. I can only imagine how wicked we'll be if we tell her she's got to figure out something else.

 

With SS/disability/Medicare or Cade, how could she get care? Any ideas how that works?

[ange]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. For clarification she is getting SS from herself and her deceased husband, disability and medi-whatever. She says she absolutely can't afford to keep her little apartment and afford any care facility. She also says she can't even get herself out of the hospital bed right now. She assumes they are going to release her tomorrow. So many of her family already believes we are heartless because we don't play her poor, pitiful games. I can only imagine how wicked we'll be if we tell her she's got to figure out something else.

 

With SS/disability/Medicare or Cade, how could she get care? Any ideas how that works?

 

After my dad had his stroke, I got him into a rehab facility. It was paid for thru medicaid since the stroke disabled him (so no income). I worked it out w/ someone thru the hospital he was at. During that time, we also got him on SS disabililty. Ask for help from the hospital about getting arrangements for her to go to a rehab facility. If your MIL is already getting aid thru some of these programs, that should cover the cost. Eventually, my dad was able to go back to his apartment. You can also see about getting her help in her apartment once she is well enough to go back home. Don't let other family guilt you into something you really can't do. All involved, including MIL, will be better off if she is in a proper care facility. Praying you find the help you (and MIL) need!

[tex-mex]

She says she absolutely can't afford to keep her little apartment and afford any care facility.

 

With SS/disability/Medicare or Cade, how could she get care? Any ideas how that works?

Most retirement villages or assistive care facilities take the following:

 

• Medicare

• Private Pay

• Medicaid

• Hospice

• Respite Care

 

Talk to your local group and many have social workers who can help guide you in this decision. To be honest, she will have to sell most of her items as the retirement village lodgings are small with no storage. I'd suspect whatever SSI she gets will help with being in a village or home. She cannot afford both. Again, this is where family comes in and pitches in to help her with this decision.

[Hedgehog]

Most retirement villages or assistive care facilities take the following:

 

• Medicare

• Private Pay

• Medicaid

• Hospice

• Respite Care

 

Talk to your local group and many have social workers who can help guide you in this decision. To be honest, she will have to sell most of her items as the retirement village lodgings are small with no storage. I'd suspect whatever SSI she gets will help with being in a village or home. She cannot afford both. Again, this is where family comes in and pitches in to help her with this decision.

 

:iagree: - if you're in a position to contribute financially, then that's a great idea. I've long believed that it's worth paying good money for peace of mind.

[Danestress]

When my Dad was falling and breaking things, there were always social workers helping us figure out whether he could come home (which we wanted) or had to have some time in rehab, and how to pay for it. They really knew how to crunch the numbers.

 

Ask if they have a social worker. If they say they don't, insist that you get some kind of help. Tell them that you are not taking her home. If she can't get out of bed, they probably aren't going to want to release her to her own home.

[texasmama]

Haven't read the other replies, but I would look for a senior appartment building for her to live in where she can have activities, friends, attention from others, etc. Also, assisted living might be an option, even though she is physically capable of being independent.

 

We have some elderly family members here...and some of them I would let live with us if needed. It wouldn't be ideal, but I would do it. Others...no freakin' way. No how. It would wreak havoc on my own family, which is just not an option.:grouphug: to you. I have some MIL issues right now, and I have had to distance myself because wringing her neck doesn't seem like an appropriate option.:tongue_smilie:

[texasmama]

Also, Medicare will pay for rehab/nursing home care (even if it is temporary) after a three day hospital stay, as I understand it.

[RahRah]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. For clarification she is getting SS from herself and her deceased husband, disability and medi-whatever. She says she absolutely can't afford to keep her little apartment and afford any care facility. She also says she can't even get herself out of the hospital bed right now. She assumes they are going to release her tomorrow. So many of her family already believes we are heartless because we don't play her poor, pitiful games. I can only imagine how wicked we'll be if we tell her she's got to figure out something else.

 

With SS/disability/Medicare or Cade, how could she get care? Any ideas how that works?

 

:grouphug:

 

Anyone who casts you as heartless and mean because you cannot do this - tell them to do it themself and see how quickly they have an excuse why they can't, but you must! Seriously - lots of people want to criticize, but are unwilling to walk the talk either. Don't let other judge you and what you decide is best for your family!

 

That said, if she's indigent - that is doesn't have any money other than her SS/SSI income, medicare will pay until she hits the max and then medicaid kicks in - if she already has a 'cade' something or other insurance, odds are she's qualified to go to a nursing home under medicaid payment. She might not want that or like that, but it is what it is and she's aged herself into a corner by acting in a way to get pity (so it seems) and attention.

 

I wouldn't feel obligated to take her in if she's painted herself into a corner and now expects to just move in with you. The social worker at the hospital can help you all figure out the options, but you aren't obligated to take her - they will find an option that will work with her coverage IF she's truly unable to go home to her own home.....that's the kicker I can see here, that she's truly not sick/disabled/unable, but that she's attention-seeking and won't qualify because she really can be on her own, she just doesn't want to be!

[katilac]

Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. For clarification she is getting SS from herself and her deceased husband, disability and medi-whatever. She says she absolutely can't afford to keep her little apartment and afford any care facility. She also says she can't even get herself out of the hospital bed right now. She assumes they are going to release her tomorrow. So many of her family already believes we are heartless because we don't play her poor, pitiful games. I can only imagine how wicked we'll be if we tell her she's got to figure out something else.

 

With SS/disability/Medicare or Cade, how could she get care? Any ideas how that works?

 

You definitely need to speak to a social worker at the hospital. Just ask and they will set it up for you.

 

If she wants you to take a role in her care, she needs to give you the information you need. First, she needs to give the docs permission to speak with you. That way, you will be up to date on stuff like whether she is truly bedridden, truly about to be released, and so forth. Second, if she needs financial help, you need access to her finances. It's not enough for her to say she can't afford an apartment or care - you need to know the details, so you know what kind of help she needs and how to try and get it for her. You will need this information in order to help her make the best decisions.

 

First things first - you NEED to be in touch with a social worker.

[Carol in Cal.]

A tidbit of info for you about Medicare--the coverage for nursing home stays is very short and very strict. You have to have been in a hospital for at least 3 nights, and then be expected to improve with nursing home care. And they don't cover it all, and it only lasts a maximum of 100 days.

 

That bit about 'expected to improve' is very important. If the doctors say that she is 'stable' or if she goes around saying that she will never get better, etc., those can be used to deny this coverage.

 

(Many people think that Medicare covers this kind of thing, but really, for those long nursing home stays, Medicare dries up VERY early.)

 

OTOH, if she really has SS disability, she should be on Medicaid, which is more generous.

 

So it's important to find how what coverage she has exactly.

 

Also, if she runs out of money by certain federal definitions, she can get onto Medicaid as well--has this happened?

 

I agree with others who say to talk with the social worker, but if possible you should try to figure out her finances a little more, first. (and if you already know but don't want to post for privacy reasons, I quite understand. I'm just a bit alarmed at the thought that you might not know this information as it makes a big difference in what your options are)

[jujsky]

This is going to sound so cold-hearted, and people are going to think I'm an evil, horrible, person, but stick her in assisted living or a nursing home. My grandmother is like this -- a needy, attention-seeker. It does not get better. She had a stroke in her early 50's (she has recovered from that) when my mom was just 30. She got lots of attention from my mom and aunt, liked it, and now continues the attention-seeking pattern. A nurse in a hospital once caught her sticking her finger down her throat to make herself puke so she would get more attention. She purposely mixes up her pills so my mom has to go over every single night to give her the right pills. My own mom is now almost 60, my grandma is in her 80's. It hasn't stopped. She uses guilt ("If you stick me in a nursing home, I'll haunt you!" or "You're going to NH to visit the kids? But I'll miss you! What am I supposed to do when you're gone?") and manipulation ("You'd really like to move down to NH to be closer to Julie and the kids, wouldn't you? Well, you can't until I die,") and it has gotten to the point where I hate my own grandmother. I used to adore her, but I see what she's doing to my mom, AND I've had my kids disappointed time and time again because my mom will make plans to visit us and she'll either cancel those plans or cut her visit short because my grandmother "needs" her. My mom has literally given up her own life and happiness for my grandmother. I often wish my grandmother would just die so my mom would be free and I'd have her back in my life. I know my mom does a lot of this to herself too. She can and should say no, but she doesn't. How's that for a confession thread? Sort of blows, "I don't clean my sheets and fridge," out of the water, doesn't it? That's how I feel though. Seriously, dump her in a home and don't look back. You deserve to have a life of your own. Any parent who expects their children to give up their lives for them is a selfish, nasty person.

[kalanamak]

Also, Medicare will pay for rehab/nursing home care (even if it is temporary) after a three day hospital stay, as I understand it.

 

For medical need, not because the person is a "behavioral problem". How about a spin through geri-psych. We have good programs out here which can really dig down to the "problem" and plan a fix. Hospitals do not like "social calls" for 911 any more than you do.

 

Maybe she has depression or is getting the first bits of dementia. If a person was a generally functional, bon vivant person who is suddenly helpless and clingy at 60, it could easily be the beginning of dementia. I've seen it as young as 35, but it is devilishly hard to figure out the first few years. When they die of dementia at 50, after losing speech and gag reflex, it is obvious, but tricky at 35.

 

:grouphug: Talk to her doctor and the social worker, and perhaps elder services. She needs company, as she is getting into hot water when left on her own.

[Remudamom]

This is going to sound so cold-hearted, and people are going to think I'm an evil, horrible, person, but stick her in assisted living or a nursing home. My grandmother is like this -- a needy, attention-seeker. It does not get better. She had a stroke in her early 50's (she has recovered from that) when my mom was just 30. She got lots of attention from my mom and aunt, liked it, and now continues the attention-seeking pattern. A nurse in a hospital once caught her sticking her finger down her throat to make herself puke so she would get more attention. She purposely mixes up her pills so my mom has to go over every single night to give her the right pills. My own mom is now almost 60, my grandma is in her 80's. It hasn't stopped. She uses guilt ("If you stick me in a nursing home, I'll haunt you!" or "You're going to NH to visit the kids? But I'll miss you! What am I supposed to do when you're gone?") and manipulation ("You'd really like to move down to NH to be closer to Julie and the kids, wouldn't you? Well, you can't until I die,") and it has gotten to the point where I hate my own grandmother. I used to adore her, but I see what she's doing to my mom, AND I've had my kids disappointed time and time again because my mom will make plans to visit us and she'll either cancel those plans or cut her visit short because my grandmother "needs" her. My mom has literally given up her own life and happiness for my grandmother. I often wish my grandmother would just die so my mom would be free and I'd have her back in my life. I know my mom does a lot of this to herself too. She can and should say no, but she doesn't. How's that for a confession thread? Sort of blows, "I don't clean my sheets and fridge," out of the water, doesn't it? That's how I feel though. Seriously, dump her in a home and don't look back. You deserve to have a life of your own. Any parent who expects their children to give up their lives for them is a selfish, nasty person.

 

Okay, we must be related. My grandma faked a heart attack when I told her to quit telling my kids what they could and couldn't do.

[arghmatey]

Not your fault she didn't plan for her retirement. Oh wait, she did. You and DH are her plan.

 

She's lonely? Fine

 

She's needy? Fine

 

She manipulates you by faking illness for attention? Off she goes.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: :grouphug:

 

I would encourage her to go to a retirement community where she gets a meal plan and they have staff there to handle things. My mom went into one of these after she had several small strokes. While she missed being in her own place, I felt a tremendous peace of mind that I knew she was eating once a day and that she was getting out of bed each day.

 

Wherever she goes, the hospital should not be releasing her without an at home care plan if she is really as bad as she says she is. Do talk to the social worker. If they don't have one involved with her release, request one.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Not your fault she didn't plan for her retirement. Oh wait, she did. You and DH are her plan.

 

She's lonely? Fine

 

She's needy? Fine

 

She manipulates you by faking illness for attention? Off she goes.

 

You probably have absolutely no idea to the extent of how right on the money you are! I firmly believe (as does my husband) that she's been working her way here since the day she mover to this state with us. She's only 65 but she's viewed as her future spouse/retirement/money for years. She's uses her emotional manipulation so well that it takes people a while to see it.

 

I'm still just sick about this but she's has to handle it today. My husband woke up and said after thinking about it all night that it's just a bad idea. I dread all this so much. All the rest of the family lives in NC. His sister in NC has also already said "No way!".

 

Thank you all SO much for your "ears" in listening and the suggestions and ideas.

 

(typed on my phone. excuse any catastrophes. lol)

[katilac]

I want to add that a retirement community can be a wonderful choice. Meals are prepared, there are daily activities, vans that take them shopping and everywhere else, and so on. Of course you can also have your own car and do your own thing if you prefer.

 

I really hate the convention that says good kids have their parents move in with them, bad kids stick them in a nursing home (and people always say nursing home, even when they mean retirement community).

 

If a senior doesn't need the special care provided by assisted living or a nursing home, they may well do better in a retirement community that helps provide them with their own interests and activities. If they do need special care, then it isn't fair to expect a layperson to provide it.

 

I think my grandmother would have done soooo much better had she gone into a retirement community after her husband died. Instead, she stayed with first one offspring and then another, never having her own home and interests. She was a wonderful lady in so many ways, but she was always in other people's business, because she didn't have any business of her own.

[PinkInTheBlue]

I really hate the convention that says good kids have their parents move in with them, bad kids stick them in a nursing home (and people always say nursing home, even when they mean retirement community).

 

I agree but that's really how it is. I hope I never need help but if I do I'm doing everthing I can to be sure it's not at the sacrifice of my kid's lives. If they choose to help, it'll be their choice. My MIL is basically trying to poor pitifully manipulate us with this being her "only" option and it's something we should do. She doesn't seem to care what it'll mean to our family and our already bad relationship with her. Ugh!!!!

[Impish]

Hon, I feel for you. Truly. MIL has flat out told us that Wolf was her retirement plan. Not even 10 minutes after our wedding ceremony, she came up to me and said, "I'm so glad he married you! Now I won't ever have to end up in a nursing home, you can take care of me!" b/c I worked as a nursing attendant.

 

Becoming disabled ticked her off. She acted like it was done to her, that it wasn't as bad as we said, we were trying to get out of our responsibility to her. Wolf owes her, you see, b/c she adopted him. :glare:

 

I wish you all the best. Moving her in would not accomplish anything, but negatively affect your health, marriage and family.

[elfgivas]

did you ever manage to talk to the hospital social worker?

 

hope so!

ann

[gardening momma]

Another idea is to suggest an assistive care/retirement village? But they are very $$$ expensive. The last resort is to put her in a nursing home if she has the insurance or SSI/disability. If not, this is time for a family meeting with the siblings and decide who takes the responsibility. The other siblings should chip in for the care. My hubby's grandma went into a retirement village/assistive care facility and the siblings (his uncle & mother) divvy'ed up the monthly fees for her to be there. It was in Florida. They were in NJ and CA. It worked out quite nicely. G'ma had tons of social activity, meals, someone to check in on her, church on site, haircare on site, pool on site, and when her health took a turn for the worse -- she moved to the other side of the village and went into assistive care 24/7 with nurses.

:iagree: My grandma was in a place like this. It was pricey, but she had investments that paid for it (the interest alone paid for it! Grandpa invested well.). And I'll add that it was a very nice place, she liked it, we liked it.

Edited April 18, 2011 by gardening momma