how much would you charge?

[EthiopianFood]

If you were doing full-time daycare for a very close friend to help them out (this is assuming you would agree to this in the first place; if you wouldn't, then nevermind! :001_smile:), how much would be a reasonable price to charge if they had $550/month after rent, utilities, gas, car insurance? The $550 would then have to cover food for one nursing adult and an infant (who would both be getting WIC), emergency costs, pet food, and the daycare charge.

 

We've been friends 20 years, but yes, I know, I've thought of that, so you don't have to say it. :tongue_smilie:

 

Thanks!

[justasque]

No clue. But you might want to consider if part of the payment can be in the form of bartering. On the one hand, with a full-time job and an infant, she won't have much time for anything else. On the other hand, there may be something she can do for you in place of at least some of the money. Could she watch your dd while you and dh have a date night, could she pick up your dry cleaning on her way home from work, etc. etc. What could she do for you to make your life easier? (I never dry clean anything, don't know why I thought of that, but you know what I mean even if you don't dry clean anything either LOL!)

[Jean in Newcastle]

So the daycare is for the nursing infant? I'm assuming the mother would be pumping and then working fulltime? Would you have any costs to take care of the child? The thing is, there really isn't a "reasonable" cost. To make it work for someone in that situation it would have to be for an unreasonably low cost. I'm thinking $50 a month would be unreasonably low for you but reasonable in light of all her needs. You need to think about how long term this will be and what you would do if it becomes untenable for you for any reason.

[Trish]

She can't possibly pay you enough to make it worth your while, so why charge at all? If you're willing and able, why bring money into it? You are doing it to help her, not earn money, so that would help her even more. (If however you do need the money, this is probably not the job that you need)

[QueenCat]

I would only charge her enough to cover your costs of watching the infant. Or have her bring all the supplies (diapers, wipes, food) unless you want to provide those.

[happi duck]

She can't possibly pay you enough to make it worth your while, so why charge at all? If you're willing and able, why bring money into it? You are doing it to help her, not earn money, so that would help her even more. (If however you do need the money, this is probably not the job that you need)

 

:iagree:

[missesd]

I wouldn't charge her. Unless I couldn't afford the things to take care of her child, and this includes entertainment- toys, swing, jumper, etc, I would only charge her what I needed for that.

[cjthedog64]

I do home daycare, but have never had to deal with that. I have had a family member ask me about it though. For family, I'd do it for free, as long as I'm not being taken advantage of. If they're coming up with money for extra stuff, then I'd start charging. No, I wouldn't charge my regular rates ($30/day) but maybe half (assuming they could afford that).

 

For a close friend, I'd probably propose something like $10/week. (And I'd probably spend it on something for the kid.) With the stipulation that if their income increased, I'd be paid more accordingly. I wouldn't go looking to make much, but think it would be good for them to realize that they are able to take care of things. Then if they had to switch to a daycare or something, they'd be more comfortable with the payment.

 

I'd watch my paying kids now for free if they need me to. The kids need to be taken care of, and I'm willing and able. The parents could make it up somehow when they're able. I'm thankful that my (daycare) parents aren't in that situation though.

 

ETA: Just noticed it sounds like I'd charge family more than a friend. I meant that if the family member suddenly got a good income and wasn't having problems anymore, I'd still give them a break because they're family. I wouldn't charge anyone more than they could afford.

Edited March 6, 2011 by cjthedog64

[EthiopianFood]

Good points, all. I agree that there is no reasonable cost, considering the money available. I guess I was wondering how much of someone's income should go toward daycare, i.e. what is livable after costs?

 

I feel like I will resent her if I don't charge something. It is unlikely that she will make much more money than this in the next three to five years (depending on if she can get the child in government preschool, which is her plan). I most certainly am not up already at the time she would need to drop the child off. I am already working 15 hours a week, including both Saturday and Sunday, so I don't have a ton of energy. She might literally have no other option. If she can find other housing options (free with family), she will, and money won't be such an issue. It is just that difficult balance between helping a very close friend in a very desperate situation, and not taking on others' issues. If I can even get $1 an hour, I feel like I won't end up feeling taken advantage of. This isn't my surprise baby, after all.... At the same time, $160 a month seems like so much considering the income (although it is certainly less than $800+).

[missesd]

Good points, all. I agree that there is no reasonable cost, considering the money available. I guess I was wondering how much of someone's income should go toward daycare, i.e. what is livable after costs?

 

I feel like I will resent her if I don't charge something. It is unlikely that she will make much more money than this in the next three to five years (depending on if she can get the child in government preschool, which is her plan). I most certainly am not up already at the time she would need to drop the child off. I am already working 15 hours a week, including both Saturday and Sunday, so I don't have a ton of energy. She might literally have no other option. If she can find other housing options (free with family), she will, and money won't be such an issue. It is just that difficult balance between helping a very close friend in a very desperate situation, and not taking on others' issues. If I can even get $1 an hour, I feel like I won't end up feeling taken advantage of. This isn't my surprise baby, after all.... At the same time, $160 a month seems like so much considering the income (although it is certainly less than $800+).

 

Maybe $20 a week... that way you don't feel like your being taken advantage of, and yet it IS still extremely low??

[roxanne23]

.

Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[QueenCat]

Consider making a plan with her for a fixed length of time that you can do this, to give her time to find a more viable option. It does not sound like this will work for you for very long without wearing you down.

[missesd]

I have been where her friend is though, and even though I had family and a best friend of over 20+ years... NO ONE offered to help me :( I could have really used it, and would have been ever so grateful for it. And TBH, it's always hurt a little that no one seemed to have the time to reach out and help me in my time of need. Afterall I was married, and didn't ask my husband to abandon us. I was going to school and doing the best I could fr my little family. But breaking the cycle of poverty, state aid, etc... is EXTREMELY hard... especially without help.

 

Just sayin...

[EthiopianFood]

I do home daycare, but have never had to deal with that. I have had a family member ask me about it though. For family, I'd do it for free, as long as I'm not being taken advantage of. If they're coming up with money for extra stuff, then I'd start charging..

 

I guess this is the part I'm having a hard time figuring out. What would constitute "extra stuff?" I mean, if she has $100 for food (doable, especially on WIC) for herself, $100 for whatever for the baby (she will get everything she needs at the showers, and will be doing cloth diapers/nursing, so this is a lot), and $100 for savings, that would leave $250 a month for daycare. Anything less than that, and technically, she has "extras." That seems pretty harsh though! I don't want to bend over backwards trying to keep her from living in poverty because of daycare, but she is already convinced it is impossible to live on that income in the first place (she will learn, as most of us have). In her mind, she can't afford ANYTHING. Looking at the math, I just don't think that's true. Right? :confused: That's what I'm trying to figure out! Like I said before, I just don't want to feel taken advantge of if she has money to go out to eat all the time, while I take care of her infant 40 hours a week.

[Paintedlady]

If you were doing full-time daycare for a very close friend to help them out (this is assuming you would agree to this in the first place; if you wouldn't, then nevermind! :001_smile:), how much would be a reasonable price to charge if they had $550/month after rent, utilities, gas, car insurance? The $550 would then have to cover food for one nursing adult and an infant (who would both be getting WIC), emergency costs, pet food, and the daycare charge.

 

We've been friends 20 years, but yes, I know, I've thought of that, so you don't have to say it. :tongue_smilie:

 

Thanks!

 

Does she qualify for any assistance to put towards child care? I'm not familiar with daycare costs but it seems if she's very low income there might be something she could qualify for. Maybe someone with more experience might know.

 

That's not a lot of money left over and don't know what would be reasonable in these circumstances. Could she help you out in some way as a sort of barter? Can't imagine she could do enough to make it "even" but it might help.

[RoughCollie]

I would also think of potential liability issues.

 

What if something happens to the baby while it is in your care? Will your homeowners or renters insurance cover it, and what will it cover? How about your car insurance? What will it cover, for how much, and for how long? Does it make a difference, concerning any of the insurance types, whether you are paid for keeping the baby?

 

Also, does your state have any laws regarding in-home daycare in this situation? How about taxes? If you are paid, do you plan to declare the income?

 

The time to figure all this out is before you take on the responsibility.

Edited March 6, 2011 by RoughCollie

[EthiopianFood]

Consider making a plan with her for a fixed length of time that you can do this, to give her time to find a more viable option. It does not sound like this will work for you for very long without wearing you down.

 

I can't say you're wrong. :( I just can't leave her with no other options. This would be her income living in a cheap apartment, already making more than minimum wage at a job she won't enjoy. If she made more, she would probably feel like she still couldn't afford to pay more. Ugh, this is so difficult. :(

 

Do you want to watch the child? Are you in need of extra income? Will watching the child disrupt your day? (Like, would you not be able to make trips to the library or the grocery store because you would be stuck at home?)

 

My first thought is to exercise caution. Family/friends and business rarely mix well.

 

I think that you should charge something. People have a tendency to not value something they don't pay for, and if you felt put upon or taken advantage of it could spell disaster for your friendship. I think bartering is a lovely idea.

 

ETA: I read your OP again. $550 is left after all of her other expenses except for food, pet care and spending money? Depending on the COL in your area, I would feel comfortable charging $160 per month. I can make $400/month feed a family of four comfortably with couponing and watching sales.

 

No, I don't want to watch the baby. I don't even like babies. How's that for honesty? LOL I DO want to help my friend, just as I would hope someone would help me. It would impose on my schedule in that she would probably start work in the morning, and we are not morning people. ;) Fortunately, we still just school at home at this point, so no lugging a baby except for homeschool group on Friday.

 

I have been where her friend is though, and even though I had family and a best friend of over 20+ years... NO ONE offered to help me :( I could have really used it, and would have been ever so grateful for it. And TBH, it's always hurt a little that no one seemed to have the time to reach out and help me in my time of need. Afterall I was married, and didn't ask my husband to abandon us. I was going to school and doing the best I could fr my little family. But breaking the cycle of poverty, state aid, etc... is EXTREMELY hard... especially without help.

 

Just sayin...

 

I'm not sure if you're saying it's good I'm offering to help at all, or if you're saying I shouldn't charge her because it will hinder her progress. I appreciate your perspective.

[BakersDozen]

I feel like I will resent her if I don't charge something.

:iagree:

 

I think that you should charge something. People have a tendency to not value something they don't pay for, and if you felt put upon or taken advantage of it could spell disaster for your friendship. I think bartering is a lovely idea.

 

 

And again, :iagree:

 

I made the mistake of offering to watch a friend's two boys for free. After a few months of this I suddenly realized why the boys were being picked up early twice/week - the parents had enrolled them in karate. Then they went out to eat. Then to a movie. Then they got cable...and two dogs...I could go on and on. I suggested to my friend at that point that she could help me out as well by providing afternoon snack for all of the dc in my house (not just her own boys). I made sure she understood that snack included fruit and "fun" stuff. I figured out it added up to about $150/month so I'm good with that.

[justasque]

I feel like I will resent her if I don't charge something.

 

I think it is wise to consider that in advance. And the baby won't be an infant for long; you'll be needing to feed the baby at least one meal a day in 6 months or so, and more as he/she grows. You'll need a few toys, perhaps some equipment (stroller, car seat, perhaps a pack-n-play), etc., so you'll need to think through that - who will buy them, can you get some second-hand, etc. You may want to at least break even out of the deal. And you'll want to be sure that if mom does end up with a bigger budget, she understands that you'd like at least a small "raise" rather than mom assuming you'll continue to work for little or nothing. I think your best bet is to be completely honest with her, and she what she thinks. What does she think she can afford? Do consider the barter idea. I do some bartering and I can't tell you how much of a boost it is to do something I love in exchange for someone else taking care of a task of mine that I hate and/or am not good at. It's win-win.

[RoughCollie]

No, I don't want to watch the baby. I don't even like babies.

 

I would offer to help your friend in some way other than agreeing to supply full-time daycare of an infant. The only way I would do this would be if I wholeheartedly looked forward to it. Even then, I'd want to do a test run to be sure I enjoyed it and thought I would enjoy it as a full-time job.

Edited March 6, 2011 by RoughCollie

[LibraryLover]

Offer maybe two days a week for free? Full time child care is not easy.

Edited March 6, 2011 by LibraryLover

[justasque]

I can't say you're wrong. :( I just can't leave her with no other options. This would be her income living in a cheap apartment, already making more than minimum wage at a job she won't enjoy. If she made more, she would probably feel like she still couldn't afford to pay more. Ugh, this is so difficult. :(

 

You know, having quality care for her baby should be her top priority after food, shelter, medical care, and (second-hand) clothing. It should be worth paying for, if she possibly can. If you feel she may not fully realize that (and that's what I'm getting from the above - that this will be a significant lifestyle change for her), then you might want to set a price ($1 an hour is not wildly unreasonable, after all, if you are not the lovin' babies, early-morning type), and let her shop around a bit and decide if it is worth it to her. If she really can't afford it, you can always re-negotiate down the line. Talk to her, see what price she has in mind.

 

It sounds a bit like you may be feeling that it's a "hey, you're home, not doing anything, what's one more kid - that's not any extra work, right?" kind of thing? That she may be greatful for you stepping in, but that she may not truly understand what she is asking of you, and thus may not value it.

 

Also, you'll want to consider all the usual child care stuff - what if the child is sick, what if your own child is sick, what if you are sick, do you get paid regardless or only for days you care for the child, will you take the child to doctor visits and such or is that her responsibility, how about late pick-ups, etc. etc.

[EthiopianFood]

What is she supposed to do if I don't offer though? If she has to pay for a place to live, and even cheap apartments cost $600/month, has tried to get daycare or welfare (wouldn't pay the bills, but worth looking into for her) assistance, and has no other family who can do it, what else is there? She is having a baby, and she has to at least live somewhere and be able to eat. I don't see any other option.

 

I do have to somewhat amend my earlier statement. I am looking forward to this a LITTLE (i.e. I am very excited to meet this little person, and want to be very involved in his life). I'm just not looking forward to all these hours taking care of an infant/toddler/preschooler without getting paid. :( If I didn't have to work weekends already, I think I would feel differently.

[joannqn]

In this state, I believe state funded daycare rates can be paid to a private individual. They won't pay anything more than their standard rates, so parents have to come up with any charges over and above that.

 

Has she looked into that kind of option to help pay for daycare?

[RoughCollie]

What is she supposed to do if I don't offer though?

 

I know it sounds harsh, probably is harsh, but this is not your problem. I would look at how my helping would effect me and my family and my day and my feelings ... and I would decide not to do it.

 

I would look at other ways I could help my friend that did not involve such a huge, daily commitment of my time and energy, and do that instead. I would do what I felt comfortable doing. If I felt conflicted about any of this, I would pray and wait until I was no longer conflicted before I made a decision. I would have to feel peaceful inside about my decision first.

Edited March 6, 2011 by RoughCollie

[EthiopianFood]

set a price ($1 an hour is not wildly unreasonable, after all, if you are not the lovin' babies, early-morning type), and let her shop around a bit and decide if it is worth it to her. If she really can't afford it, you can always re-negotiate down the line. Talk to her, see what price she has in mind.

 

This is a good point, about letting her shop around and decide for herself if it's worth it.

 

It sounds a bit like you may be feeling that it's a "hey, you're home, not doing anything, what's one more kid - that's not any extra work, right?" kind of thing? That she may be greatful for you stepping in, but that she may not truly understand what she is asking of you, and thus may not value it.

 

YES. YES. YES. Thank you for articulating this so well. I know she appreciates it, but I know she doesn't really get how much her life will change having a baby, and doesn't understand the implications of it all. She has a good lifestyle right now, and is having a hard time understanding how it is possible to pay bills on less (she will need a new job, as she is a live-in and can't have a baby there), plus while having to take care of a child. So how much would YOU charge, if it were you and you were stupid enough to take this on? :tongue_smilie:What do you think is reasonable for her to pay, while taking her expenses into consideration?

 

Also, you'll want to consider all the usual child care stuff - what if the child is sick, what if your own child is sick, what if you are sick, do you get paid regardless or only for days you care for the child, will you take the child to doctor visits and such or is that her responsibility, how about late pick-ups, etc. etc.

 

Good points.

[EthiopianFood]

In this state, I believe state funded daycare rates can be paid to a private individual. They won't pay anything more than their standard rates, so parents have to come up with any charges over and above that.

 

Has she looked into that kind of option to help pay for daycare?

 

Not yet. I just want to be prepared in case they say she doesn't qualify.

 

I know it sounds harsh, probably is harsh, but this is not your problem.

 

Quit being all functional and healthy and crap. :tongue_smilie: You really think I'm going to take that kind of advice? You know me better than that. :lol:

[jewellsmommy]

I understand your situation. My friend and I both offered to watch someone's 2 girls when this mom started working part time. She was a homeschooler. The hours were horribly inconvenient but we traded off days and did not ask anything in return. This mom had separated from her husband, and he was paying child support. The father would also watch them when he could. She had complained a lot and loudly about how they had no money (before the separation). Afterward they would obviously have even less.

 

Well, when the father picked up the girls he would linger and I HATED that! But this one time he started talking about money. He let it slip how much he made. He made more than my dh! They made $12,000 a yr more AND because he was navy, they got a housing allowance and did not pay state taxes or a health insurance premium. After doing the math I approached the mom and told her I was confused about their "desperate" situation. I told her that they made $2,000 a month more then us!!!! I showed her and laid out the finances. She said she was shocked, didn't know how we did it and pointed out that she probably pays a lot more for her groceries because she only buys organic. :cursing:

 

I know this is not your situation, but I feel for your situation and hers too. I would charge $40 to $50 a week for a 40 hour week. This needs to feel equatable for you or it will get old fast. All our friends trade off watching our dc every now and then: dr. appt, night out, a special situation. But, a regular 40 hr a week is different. I thought I could handle it and it would be no big deal. But, it is a lot different when it is day after day and you have had to change your schedule to accommodate. Now, make sure you use this money to make your life a little easier and off set the extra responsibilities.

[RoughCollie]

You know me better than that. :lol:

 

Yeah, and I see a huge sinkhole into which you are about to dive!

[justasque]

Again - talk to her. Discuss what kind of state aid she has applied for, and how that went. Perhaps do a bit of research for her as to what she might qualify for. Explain your desire to help, but also your concerns. Brainstorm. Perhaps there is someone else in a similar situation, and you could share the week, doing two days one week and three the next, or whatever. Perhaps there is an affordable housing option out there for moms with a crisis pregnancy. Perhaps there is a better employment option. Open the dialog.

But as a previous poster mentioned - this is not, in the end, YOUR problem - ultimately she has to find the solution that works for her. There may be a way you can help, but it's wise to think it through first so that you don't burn out and leave her in the lurch. If she's the generous type and you know you won't feel used, then free may be an option. If you know that's not a good fit for you and/or for who she is, then negotiate a price. You might want to call around to find the going rate for child care in your area, to give you a sense of her alternatives.

I don't want to pry, but you are assuming that she won't get any child support. If support is a possibililty, that's another avenue to explore.

 

One way to be of help is to research things for her, so she can clarify and implement possible sources of support (housing, child support, etc. etc.) and figuring it all out is less of a burden. That's a short-term way to help, that can have long-term benefits.

[LibraryLover]

:iagree: Not an easy thing to say.

 

Yeah, and I see a huge sinkhole into which you are about to dive!

[cjthedog64]

I guess this is the part I'm having a hard time figuring out. What would constitute "extra stuff?" I mean, if she has $100 for food (doable, especially on WIC) for herself, $100 for whatever for the baby (she will get everything she needs at the showers, and will be doing cloth diapers/nursing, so this is a lot), and $100 for savings, that would leave $250 a month for daycare. Anything less than that, and technically, she has "extras." That seems pretty harsh though! I don't want to bend over backwards trying to keep her from living in poverty because of daycare, but she is already convinced it is impossible to live on that income in the first place (she will learn, as most of us have). In her mind, she can't afford ANYTHING. Looking at the math, I just don't think that's true. Right? :confused: That's what I'm trying to figure out! Like I said before, I just don't want to feel taken advantge of if she has money to go out to eat all the time, while I take care of her infant 40 hours a week.

 

:iagree:

 

And again, :iagree:

 

I made the mistake of offering to watch a friend's two boys for free. After a few months of this I suddenly realized why the boys were being picked up early twice/week - the parents had enrolled them in karate. Then they went out to eat. Then to a movie. Then they got cable...and two dogs...I could go on and on. I suggested to my friend at that point that she could help me out as well by providing afternoon snack for all of the dc in my house (not just her own boys). I made sure she understood that snack included fruit and "fun" stuff. I figured out it added up to about $150/month so I'm good with that.

 

 

I certainly would want my friend to be able to save some money (to avoid sudden money problems), and wouldn't expect her to live like she had NO money, but to me there's a big difference between getting $8 Netflix for a month and going out on the town every weekend. No, Netflix isn't necessary, but the occasional little fun thing is fine. If you're seeing a big waste of money going on, then it's time to renegotiate your rates. I would also expect and encourage her to look for better jobs, build skills, take classes, etc. towards getting herself to a better financial situation.

 

If you're unsure about taking on the responsibility, maybe offer to help 2-3 days a week, or just in the afternoon, etc. It probably wouldn't be as hard for her to find someone else to help a little as it would to find somebody to do it all. Give her a hand, but don't try to solve all her problems. Then if things change for you, you can help more/less as needed.

[justasque]

Another thought - you mentioned that she currently has a good, live-in job. Does she have any savings?

Can she work nights and share living quarters with another single mom, and swap out child care?

 

I'm curious what led you to consider taking this on in the first place? Did she ask? Or was she talking about not knowing anyone who could do it, or not being able to afford the going rate?

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I can not tell you how many times I have saved someone's life like this only to find out that they were much better off than I was.

 

People say they are broke without having a clue what 'broke' can really mean. Those of us who are broke (or have been) feel that we are stronger and more experienced so we will help.

 

Then we get burned. Again. I personally kept repeating this pattern until I was over 30.

 

My advice is to not take this job on at all. If you are not yet over 30 (LOL) and still sure that you should do it, at least set the boundaries firmly before you begin. You need a financial agreement and a time limit at the very minimum. A hand up, not a handout.

 

Really, though, she should seek childcare herself and arrange to pay for it. A friend can listen, support, advise, and pinch-hit in emergencies, but she and her child will both be better off in the long run if she understands her duty from the beginning and takes responsibility.

[EthiopianFood]

:iagree: Not an easy thing to say.

Can I quote this one? :D I appreciate your honesty. Please don't feel bad.

 

Well, I can't say that the posts telling me I'm nuts have made me change my mind. BUT, I can say that they have made me realize that I have to be at least a little bit more honest with myself about what I can handle. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to charge her. You all are right. She can find another arrangement if she feels I'm not being fair, and that is her business, not mine. It's not my job to make her life run smoothly, and it's not like I have the power to do that anyway. Ideally, she could get some sort of daycare assistance, and doing this would enable me to quit one of my shifts, so we both could benefit. We'll see, I guess.

 

Thanks everyone for your input.

Edited March 6, 2011 by RaeAnne

[EthiopianFood]

Another thought - you mentioned that she currently has a good, live-in job. Does she have any savings?

Can she work nights and share living quarters with another single mom, and swap out child care?

 

HA!! This would never have crossed my mind. She wouldn't "like it." You know, I have had this nagging feeling for several years that I just deal with things even when they aren't ideal, so there is no reason why she shouldn't have to do the same. It is amazing how quickly I threw all that aside in this situation to try and make her not feel bad....

 

I'm curious what led you to consider taking this on in the first place? Did she ask? Or was she talking about not knowing anyone who could do it, or not being able to afford the going rate?

 

She never asked. :o This pregnancy was a complete shock, and the father is essentially not even in the picture, from what I can see (although she is still holding out hope). I felt like she needed support, and understood from the beginning that childcare would be her biggest obstacle. I also really do want to be a part of the baby's life. Please don't jump on me for saying this, because I really do know how bad this is, but I think part of the trigger is that we are currently trying to get pregnant. She is also my closest friend, and has been for literally twenty years now, so she feels like family. I am also a bleeding heart codependent sometimes, although it has never been able to express itelf to quite this extent. :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

She never asked. :o This pregnancy was a complete shock, and the father is essentially not even in the picture, from what I can see (although she is still holding out hope). I felt like she needed support, and understood from the beginning that childcare would be her biggest obstacle. I also really do want to be a part of the baby's life. Please don't jump on me for saying this, because I really do know how bad this is, but I think part of the trigger is that we are currently trying to get pregnant. She is also my closest friend, and has been for literally twenty years now, so she feels like family. I am also a bleeding heart codependent sometimes, although it has never been able to express itelf to quite this extent. :glare:

 

But see, she's an adult, who (presumably since she's holding out hope for the dad to be in the picture) made an adult decision to engage in activity which resulted in a baby (not bashing her on this - it just is.) And she needs to make adult decisions on how to handle being a mom. I do admire your compassion. I've had friends in similar difficult situations. But they had to do all the heavy lifting even while I tried to give them a hand up so that it wasn't quite so heavy. We were able to take money from our own savings to give a no-interest loan to a mom fleeing a DV situation with her kids so that she could get training and then a job. I am so proud to say that my friend has now, 3 years later, paid us back in full. (I wasn't necessarily counting on getting the money back - but I am proud of HER because she did what was necessary and it was important to her to be able to pay it back.)

[justasque]

But see, she's an adult, who...made an adult decision to engage in activity which resulted in a baby (not bashing her on this - it just is.) And she needs to make adult decisions on how to handle being a mom.

 

As did the dad, who at least in theory should be helping to support baby if not mom as well. If he steps up, then child care may not be needed at all, at least for a little while.

 

OP, you've got a lot to think about! You're doing a good job about being honest about your abilities and your weaknesses and your motivations. If you are as honest with your friend as you've been with us, and you continue to talk about it with her, and to be a sounding board and a resource for her, then I'm sure it will work out well in the end, whichever way(s) you choose to help her.

[EthiopianFood]

As did the dad, who at least in theory should be helping to support baby if not mom as well. If he steps up, then child care may not be needed at all, at least for a little while.

 

OP, you've got a lot to think about! You're doing a good job about being honest about your abilities and your weaknesses and your motivations. If you are as honest with your friend as you've been with us, and you continue to talk about it with her, and to be a sounding board and a resource for her, then I'm sure it will work out well in the end, whichever way(s) you choose to help her.

 

Thank you for that encouragement. :001_smile: I think I should go to bed and end on a good note. LOL As for the dad, as I didn't address that earlier, he is here on a work visa. He didn't intend on living here for more than a few years, and will likely be in another state at a new job in the next couple months. I'm not sure she even could get child support (?). I do sincerely hope he CHOOSES to help out though, obviously.

[missesd]

I'm not sure if you're saying it's good I'm offering to help at all, or if you're saying I shouldn't charge her because it will hinder her progress. I appreciate your perspective.

 

I am saying she is blessed to even have someone who cares enough for her to even consider it :grouphug:

[EthiopianFood]

I am saying she is blessed to even have someone who cares enough for her to even consider it :grouphug:

 

Okay, gosh, thanks. :o

[Miss Sherry]

[quote name=RaeAnne;2492661

 

 

No' date=' I don't want to watch the baby. I don't even like babies. How's that for honesty?........

 

There's your answer right there. A baby should not be left with someone that does not want them there and does not like babies. This is not just about your friend. It's also about another human being. The baby.

IMHO, you should not do this. She should continue looking for someone else until she finds someone that will enjoy caring for a baby and will interact with the baby. Hopefully, she can get government assistance to help pay for the cost of daycare.

If you do this, you may actually be in the way of her finding someone that will love having the baby with them. Really, I do not think you would be doing the baby a favor. Do not do this. How's that for honesty ?

Edited March 6, 2011 by Miss Sherry

[Tap]

Instead of watching the bambino, what about spending a day helping her look for resources to get free/reduced daycare.

 

In our area (SW Washington), there is a program for working adults who need daycare only. It isn't tied into qualifying for welfare/food stamps and is a copay based system determined by the person's income.

 

She may also reach out to churches with private schools in her area that have daycare services attached to private schools. If she explains her situation, maybe she can make arrangements with them.

 

There are some community based daycares here that do a pro-rated daycare bill based on need.

 

Women's shelters may be a resource to you in getting information about free/reduced fee daycares. I am sure the women there utilize programs like this.

 

Instead of solving the problem for her, maybe you can help her find a solution. If she needs you to keep the baby for a short term basis, then set a very firm date of ending the arrangement, and not charge her anything.

[LBS]

I'd set a time limit, say, six months, so you're not indefinately committed. I'd check daycare in your area and maybe see what half-price would be. Charging nothing is kind and good, but may not be acceptable to her. OR maybe you could try doing it for free for three months, while she gets more on her feet, and you see how it impacts your family. I like the bartering ideas: babysitting your child(ren), maybe she sews or could teach your child something? I would, personally, enjoy having a baby around my house for a short time, so my big kids could enjoy and learn what a fulltime baby is like (even though it would really just be daycare.) My youngest, 14, has no clue what a baby is about. Not sure if there are benefits to you for caring for a baby, like that.

 

You're a lovely person to help your friend. Don't get too deep, though, or you may regret.....(I"m never the voice of reason, my husband is.)

 

LBS

[SonshineLearner]

If she is making choices that are good, I would say. "You know, I can't do this long term. I'm willing to do it for $200 for 3 months. At the end of 3 months, I will either do it for another agreed time or I will give you four weeks to find another spot."

The better the friend, the better you need to work EVERYTHING out. If you value your friend, don't let anything be assumed. If you do this, and you charge money, and they don't pay. Can you give her 4 wks notice at the end of the 3 months and let the money go? That's the only way I'd say to do it.

 

:)

[regentrude]

No, I don't want to watch the baby. I don't even like babies.

 

It would impose on my schedule in that she would probably start work in the morning, and we are not morning people.

 

 

Honestly? This means you should NOT watch the kid.

As much as your friend is in a bind - I would not want somebody to watch my child who does not want to do it and who does not even like babies. (I don't criticize YOU- I don't like other people's babies either, and I would not want to watch children).

You will most likely end up feeling resentful, even if she pays you a minimal amount, and it may ruin your friendship.

Isn't there any other way you can support and help her? I would offer to help out with daycare in an emergency or for a very short period (2-4 weeks?) to tide her over till she has found as sustainable arrangement. But I'd be very clear about my limits.

[FO4UR]

Help her find childcare, be the "Plan B" for emergencies, but don't "help" her so much that you end up hurting her by taking responsibility for her baby upon yourself.

[Lovedtodeath]

I guess this is the part I'm having a hard time figuring out. What would constitute "extra stuff?" I mean, if she has $100 for food (doable, especially on WIC) for herself, $100 for whatever for the baby (she will get everything she needs at the showers, and will be doing cloth diapers/nursing, so this is a lot), and $100 for savings, that would leave $250 a month for daycare. Anything less than that, and technically, she has "extras." That seems pretty harsh though! I don't want to bend over backwards trying to keep her from living in poverty because of daycare, but she is already convinced it is impossible to live on that income in the first place (she will learn, as most of us have). In her mind, she can't afford ANYTHING. Looking at the math, I just don't think that's true. Right? :confused: That's what I'm trying to figure out! Like I said before, I just don't want to feel taken advantge of if she has money to go out to eat all the time, while I take care of her infant 40 hours a week.

Clothing for our family is $25 per month per person. We all only own one pair of casual shoes, one pair of dress shoes, and a couple of pairs of jeans and 2-3 outfits for church. As a new mom she will likely need clothes for her and the baby. So there is one expense. Babies typically need other things like medical and etertainment supplies. Pediatric checkups cost about $120 every couple of months. Vitamins, dental expenses, vision/glasses, gas, maintenence on the car... the occasional convenience food because she is low on time (that happens to me still even though I wish it didn't).

 

I think that if it was me I would charge her $125 per month. If she can't afford it, well... I just think I would feel resentful if I did it for less.

[Lovedtodeath]

Honestly? This means you should NOT watch the kid.

As much as your friend is in a bind - I would not want somebody to watch my child who does not want to do it and who does not even like babies. (I don't criticize YOU- I don't like other people's babies either, and I would not want to watch children).

You will most likely end up feeling resentful, even if she pays you a minimal amount, and it may ruin your friendship.

Isn't there any other way you can support and help her? I would offer to help out with daycare in an emergency or for a very short period (2-4 weeks?) to tide her over till she has found as sustainable arrangement. But I'd be very clear about my limits.

 

Help her find childcare, be the "Plan B" for emergencies, but don't "help" her so much that you end up hurting her by taking responsibility for her baby upon yourself.

 

I just got caught up. Yep. They are right.

[Desert Rat]

You've gotten a lot of input already. I just want to add my two pennies.

I started babysitting an infant 18 months ago. I was being paid $40 a day. It wasn't enough. I had older kids and going back to a baby wasn't fun. I was miserable. I tried babysitting because my dh had just been laid off and we needed the money. I also had baby daddy drama at my door step and the mom wasn't responsible-as in forgeting formula for the baby. Not fun. Thank goodness she found someone else for free and dumped me. I'd never been so relieved!

I would really hesitate to babysit full time. If I were in your position, I would offer to sit for 2 days a week at nominal fee, maybe $15 a day or offer to sit for 2 days in exchange for her cleaning your house or something. Having a sitter 2 days a week is better than zero. Maybe other friends can fill in for her other days. It's not consistent or ideal for the baby, but again, better than nothing.

BTW, I clean houses now. I make more and it's a lot less time consuming!