stormy weather Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) . Edited February 19, 2015 by stormy weather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 (edited) I understand about needing to know about the cake but am a bit confused about the invitation. So if she only invited you and your mom but not your dad and the rest of your family, I'm not sure what you should do or even if you want to address that. Re. the cake - "Dear Niece: You mentioned a long time ago that you wanted me to make you cake. I know that wedding plans have a habit of changing so I don't know if you still want me to do this. If you don't, I won't be hurt. But if you do, I need to know the following details ( ) by this date ( ). If I don't hear by then I will assume that you have made other plans and will attend as a guest only. Love, Aunt Whooslisaloo Edited February 26, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle editing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Oh, dear, let me try. I think I can say something nice even though I want to be Little Miss Snippy! Dear Niece, You were so kind to think of me when deciding who would have the honor of making your wedding cake, and I was happy to accept with such a generous amount of planning time. I would still love to make the cake for you, and I need the following information and supplies by (3 days from date of letter) in order to do my very best for you: item 1 item 2... I hope I am not presuming too much by thinking you still want me to make the cake! Since I haven't heard from you about any details, I think you may have given the task to someone else. If such is the case, don't be at all afraid to tell me! If I don't hear by you from (date given above), I will assume you have delegated the honor to someone else (since I cannot possibly do a good job with less notice and planning given the quality I would like to provide for you), and I will look forward to seeing you at the wedding. You will look lovely! All the best, whooslisaloo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Uh - I think she was just trying to make it easier for you to make a cake you thought you could do a good job on... purple and silver and 70 guests seems fine to me.... If it is only a month before the wedding - it seems pretty bad to decide now not to make the cake for her. I understand stress - have a lot of it myself, but it sounds to me like you're panicking all of the sudden because you are too busy, and trying to justify it. Sorry if I'm wrong, but your neice may take it this way as well...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Dominion Heather Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Can you call your sister or sister-in-law and ask her what the plan is? I'd do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Oh my! A month is getting on short notice if you have no info. Getting some of the supplies alone could take a week or two if you have to order them. Wedding cakes take a lot of lead time and thought. If you're feeling you can't make the cake on such short notice, you should just let let her know asap or if you want to give it a go (she would be lucky imo) then she needs to get serious about giving you the info you need. She hasn't exactly kept you informed so I wouldn't feel bad about backing out at this point. That invitation...well, that is kinda strange too. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 It sounds to me like she is wanting to have her wedding on a very shoestring budget (asking a relative to make a cake rather than a caterer). One clue to this is her sending a shared invitation to your family and your mother (I didn't catch that it does not include your husband and children- is that correct?) Since she is aware that beggars should never be choosers, she was very open to whatever you were willing to provide for her cake. Since you are not willing to provide her cake as her wedding present, you do need to be very clear with your niece as to how much money you need. If I were you I would price it out and CALL her with the estimate. It is possible you have an old email address or she is not online regularly. I would say something like this, "Hello, niece! Our invitation for your wedding came in the mail recently. I am sure you are so excited since the wedding is getting close. To be honest, the date has really sneaked up on me. I had thought you would answer my questions about specific cake details long ago. If you still want me to make your cake, I am afraid it will be a very simple one and I will need for you to pay for (sequins, purple food coloring, heart shaped pans... you fill in the blank). That will be about ($XXX). It will still save you considerably, since I would charge anyone else ($XXXX) for a similar cake. I look forward to your wedding and I pray you will have a happy day and a wonderful life with your groom." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 I understand about needing to know about the cake but am a bit confused about the invitation. So if she only invited you and your mom but not your dad and the rest of your family, I'm not sure what you should do or even if you want to address that. Re. the cake - "Dear Niece: You mentioned a long time ago that you wanted me to make you cake. I know that wedding plans have a habit of changing so I don't know if you still want me to do this. If you don't, I won't be hurt. But if you do, I need to know the following details by this date. If I don't hear by then I will assume that you have made other plans and will attend as a guest only. Love, Aunt Whooslisaloo I am unsure about the invitation, I think she means for all of us to come but she happens to be extremely clueless when it comes to the "proper" way to do things. My mom is on the warpath:D and is talking to my sister right now and hopefully my sister will clue her(dn) into the correct way to send invitations and we will recieve corrected ones. If not I will clue her in. The note sounds good. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Brides are often under a lot of stress and are clueless about how their plans or lack of plans affect other people. I definitely was.:blushing: Just make the cake. She probably thinks you have it all taken care of and is relying on you. :001_smile: The invitation is really not something worth getting upset over.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Brides are often under a lot of stress and are clueless about how their plans or lack of plans affect other people. I definitely was.:blushing: Just make the cake. She probably thinks you have it all taken care of and is relying on you. :001_smile: The invitation is really not something worth getting upset over.:confused: :iagree: Having never made a wedding cake herself, I'd imagine, she probably has no clue what kind of parephanalia (oh my there should be spellcheck on here!), etc. would be needed. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have. I would have just assumed that if I asked someone to make the cake, they would make they cake unless I heard otherwise. Of course you mentioned that you have contacted her multiple times, so maybe she already knows what you need? I really liked the form letter a previous poster supplied where you would politely provide a list of things you need and just as politely suggest that it is fine with you if she had made alternative arrangements. I'd go with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 It sounds like she was trying to make it easy on you ("do whatever you want with it") and just doesn't know what info you need. Like if she hadn't sent out the invites yet, she would have no idea how many people were coming, only how many she was inviting, which she did. I do agree with telling her exactly what info you need and by when to make the cake possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 If she asked the original "will you make the cake" question in person or on the phone, then I think discussion of it needs to take place via the same route. I don't know that I'd assume emails are being received if you got no response. MAYBE she has made other plans, but if you haven't specifically heard that from her, I don't know that you can assume it. And this is awfully short notice for her not to have checked up with you on it. It's also short notice to back out. Providing cake pans and ingredients? It's tough for me to picture her doing that as the date for the wedding bears down. Keep us posted! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 This warrants a phone call and a meeting in person. I got married in a very (VERY) low-key wedding. You need to find out what type of wedding she's having to see what kind of cake she needs. Maybe the wedding is very casual. It certainly sounds like she really doesn't understand what goes into making a wedding cake. Perhaps she pictures you popping a couple of Betty Crocker cake mixes in the oven and and slapping some icing on the top. I was totally clueless about things like that until I was 30 I think! :tongue_smilie: Sounds like you need to talk to her in person and gently and very specifically explain what your needs are to make the cake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Jessica* Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Thanks Ladies for the input. I thought about adding costs but decided against that since she has waited sooo late to send out her invitations that she may not even have the number we talked about attending. Here's what I am sending her. "I know you have a lot on your plate right now and you must be incredibly busy but,I really need to know what's going on . If I am going to make your cake, I need to know several things and so I can make make some definite plans and let you know what I need you to buy for me to be able to make it. If I don't hear from you I will assume that you have it taken care of, if you have made other plans for cake, that is not going to hurt my feelings. Love ya! Me" I'll keep you posted! I really hope that you haven't sent this yet. If I was the bride, this e-mail would cause me to dissolve in a fit of tears. I think the examples up thread were worded in a gentler way, and wouldn't have made me cry. Just my two cents, but please re-consider the wording. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 I really hope that you haven't sent this yet. If I was the bride, this e-mail would cause me to dissolve in a fit of tears. I think the examples up thread were worded in a gentler way, and wouldn't have made me cry. Just my two cents, but please re-consider the wording. Okay... what about it is too strongly worded? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) Okay... what about it is too strongly worded? If there are things that need to be bought for the cake, it should be bought by the baker, not the bride (except for the topper, of course). Then you can let her know how much they cost, assuming she's paying for it all. I wouldn't expect her to buy the right stuff. You'll need the topper in advance, so you can make sure it'll fit the top layer and have enough support. I don't think it was too strongly worded, just the details of who's buying what needed to be changed. I do think you need to state that you can't do the cake if she doesn't confirm that she needs it. Not only would it be awkward for there to be two wedding cakes, but there's all the effort that went into making them, too. Edited February 27, 2011 by gardening momma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 (edited) . Edited February 19, 2015 by stormy weather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I would go to someplace that is in both locations (someplace like Michaels) and pick out what you need. Write down the descriptions and the price in your location. Email her the list of things, the cost and a general description your vision of the cake. She is probably overwhelmed with making decisions and needs someone to say this is what I can do to help you. If you back out, she probably won't be able to find anyone to make a cake at such short notice. Wedding related things book up months in advance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 You still need to call - you added "if I don't hear from you I'll assume you've made other plans...." but - again - this is email..... you may be getting caught in her spam filter... You really need to call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I would call her. You need to clear this up pronto. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snipsnsnailsx5 Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 ITA with the others. :) Give her a call to clear this up. Too many times I've let things go to email, and it seems too often things get misunderstood or confused. Also, maybe she isn't checking her email as often right now, or in time to let you know what she wants. When I got married, I was young, it was very low-key and on a budget. My mom had a friend who was a baker. I was so grateful that she was doing my cake for less money then I'd pay in a bakery, that I didn't want to make too many demands and seem ungrateful. Rather, I found myself continually saying "whatever you think!". Thankfully my mom was with me, because she was the voice of reason and helped make the decisions for me. lol Also, if the baker had asked me to go pick out the pans, etc. I would have been SO lost! I wouldn't have a clue what to do. It seems, to me, it'd make more sense to just buy the supplies you need and give her a total price. If she still is vague on details of what it should look like, just give her a couple examples or ideas. I know that helped me a LOT when I met with my mom's friend and she gave me some ideas, and even showed me some pictures of cakes she had done before. Maybe you could email her some ideas. You definitely need to know the amount of people though, of course. So that should be cleared up right away. It sounds like a stressful time right now! Weddings can do that. *hugs to you*! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 I would write her and CC her mother and say: If you still want me to make the cake, I need X information and X dollars by X date. That is assuming the cake is for 70 people as you previously mentioned. If you have decided to go in another direction, that is just fine. Looking forward to celebrating your marriage with you either way! Love, me. Then I would leave a voice mail or text her and say "hey sweetie, hope you aren't too crazed with the wedding plans, I just sent you an email about the cake listing what I need to know from you. Just wanted to make sure you get it because I am anxious to hear back ASAP. Have a great day!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) . Edited February 19, 2015 by stormy weather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Phew! I'm feeling glad you got this worked out! Have fun with it. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 If someone in my family asked me if I would make their wedding cake I would assume that I was buying the ingredients. That might have been your first communication snafu? But as I kept reading it really seemed to be the case, since she said you could make whatever you wanted. It isn't like she is calling a caterer or baker to make it, she is calling her Aunt. Unless when she called she told you that she would buy everything and just need you to bake it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 She answered my e-mail, she wants a chocolate cake that will feed 50(maybe):lol: She is leaving it all up to me. (rubbing hands together with an evil gleam in my eye) SO now I have to figure out how to make a cake at my sisters house at a different altitude or transport frozen cake on an 8 hour drive with 2 kids and a great dane:willy_nilly: and decorate it there, along with a myriad of other details. I think I will just make the cake her wedding gift and not try to get her to do anymore. I'm thinking of chocolate cake with chocolate orange ganache filling with white orange flavored buttercream. She added a note asking my kids to seat people at the reception:confused: I think I will decline that offer :tongue_smilie: She didn't mention the invitation, so we'll see what comes of that. I'm sure she means for both of her grandparents to attend and me AND my children, she just didn't think out how hurtful or tactless it was to address the invitation that way(kids these days);) Thanks ladies for the advice and I will post pictures of the cake when all this is over. Hopefully I will not be commited for insanity before that time. If you would like to send a sample of that cake to NC, I would glad to taste it for you and make sure it is good enough for a wedding cake. ;) Glad you got it worked out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 :thumbup: I'm so glad it is working out! The chocolate orange ganache filing and orange buttercream sounds divine! I want to go to the wedding toooooo! So I can have a piece of that cake! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraciebytheBay Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I am glad you got it worked out! Your idea sounds amazing. I am now craving a cake I've never had!:001_smile: Can't wait to see photos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 We'll call it a test to see if it travels well;) I like the way you think! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I've never made a wedding cake before so I did some figuring today and the pans I will need along with the other nessesary things will end up being around 100$ before baking ingredients. That seems pretty high, especially if she's very very flexible in her expectations. It should be much, much less to pull together wedding cake for 70 people, including ingredients. Let me know if there's any way I could help! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 That seems pretty high, especially if she's very very flexible in her expectations.It should be much, much less to pull together wedding cake for 70 people, including ingredients. Let me know if there's any way I could help! :001_smile: Thanks Julie, can you be my dessert fairy god-mother?:D Have you ever frozen ganache? I wondered if I could freeze each layer with the ganache between and a crumb coat on to minimize what will have to be done at my sister's. I'm sure I'll think of more ?'s so I may pm you, if that's okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I'm glad you got it all figured out! Sounds delightful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I am unsure about the invitation, I think she means for all of us to come but she happens to be extremely clueless when it comes to the "proper" way to do things. My mom is on the warpath:D and is talking to my sister right now and hopefully my sister will clue her(dn) into the correct way to send invitations and we will recieve corrected ones. If not I will clue her in. The note sounds good. Thanks. Wow, really? You'll clue her in so you can get *corrected invitations*? Yoikes. Really? If you did that to me or my kid, you'd be off the hook not only for making the cake, but for coming to the wedding. Sounds to me like you are under personal stress, don't want to make the cake, are looking for an excuse to back out at the last minute (because you made a mistake agreeing to in the first place). . . and are taking this all out on your naive niece. You're making a mistake. There is always someone who knows a more formal, more proper, or just different way of doing things. . . more than you. Someone who'd look at your wedding plan or thank you note and disapprove. Give the girl a break. If you love her, or love her mom, or love anyone she's related to. . . then be gracious, do your best, and for goodness sake, don't give her grief about an 'improper' invitation. My advice: Make a cake (or buy one if you can't do it). Pay for the supplies as a gift. Just do it. Next time, be more assertive about saying no if you don't want to do something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thanks Julie, can you be my dessert fairy god-mother?:D Have you ever frozen ganache? I wondered if I could freeze each layer with the ganache between and a crumb coat on to minimize what will have to be done at my sister's. I'm sure I'll think of more ?'s so I may pm you, if that's okay. :001_smile: Generally speaking, ganache freezes beautifully. You can certainly freeze each cake crumb-coated, but you could also go ahead and finish each tier completely and then freeze them if you'd like to make it even easier as the wedding draws near. Feel free to p.m. me if you have any questions you think I could help with. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Wow, really? You'll clue her in so you can get *corrected invitations*? Yoikes. Really? If you did that to me or my kid, you'd be off the hook not only for making the cake, but for coming to the wedding. Sounds to me like you are under personal stress, don't want to make the cake, are looking for an excuse to back out at the last minute (because you made a mistake agreeing to in the first place). . . and are taking this all out on your naive niece. You're making a mistake. There is always someone who knows a more formal, more proper, or just different way of doing things. . . more than you. Someone who'd look at your wedding plan or thank you note and disapprove. Give the girl a break. If you love her, or love her mom, or love anyone she's related to. . . then be gracious, do your best, and for goodness sake, don't give her grief about an 'improper' invitation. My advice: Make a cake (or buy one if you can't do it). Pay for the supplies as a gift. Just do it. Next time, be more assertive about saying no if you don't want to do something. She left her own grandfather off of the invitation she sent to his house, IMOH she does need to know how hurtful that was to him. I think one of the reasons behind doing things according to etiquette is to avoid hurting or alienating people esp. your own family. Edited February 28, 2011 by stormy weather To clarify. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) Wow, really? You'll clue her in so you can get *corrected invitations*? Yoikes. Really? If you did that to me or my kid, you'd be off the hook not only for making the cake, but for coming to the wedding. I think the problem is not knowing who is really invited. Is it Lisaloo & her mom, or Lisaloo & her dh and both of Lisaloo's parents? Can the kids come? Should she presume everyone is invited? Should she put the full number of guests attending on the RSVP without checking with niece? Edited February 28, 2011 by gardening momma Oops, wrong name Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Maybe I should clarify, my parents and I have the same address, I'm single. So, she sent an invitation addressed to her grandma(my mom) and me, no mention of her grandpa(my dad) or my children. :001_unsure: Got it. Still, you wouldn't know who is included. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 She left her own grandfather off of the invitation she sent to his house, IMOH she does need to know how hurtful that was to him. I know that you're under a lot of stress & I'm not meaning to offend, but I think you're being awfully harsh on her. Many brides do not know the proper way of addressing invitations - I know that I didn't. Its very possible that she's never been told the proper way, in which case being offended by it is a bit too much. I can't imagine my father, who is actually somewhat of an expert on Emily Post, being offended by not being specified on his hypothetical granddaughter's wedding invitation. I think you need to give her a bit more grace here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I'd say just ask the bride's mom who is supposed to be coming. If she says "not your dad" then ask why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy weather Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 If you would like to send a sample of that cake to NC, I would glad to taste it for you and make sure it is good enough for a wedding cake. ;) Glad you got it worked out! :iagree: LOL! It sounds yummy already! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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