Verbal abuse vs. "speaking the truth"

[Rebecca VA]

This morning's thread on family criticism has prompted me to post a question I've been wrestling with lately. How far can/should one go in speaking hard truths to a family member? I'm especially thinking of children here.

 

If a child doesn't want to take advice, and they really need do what is required, how blunt can you be before it gets ugly? "Honey, I know you don't want to wash your hair, but if you don't you will be teased and people will say you stink," devolves into: "I know you don't care if people tease you, but you must do this," and then: "Honey, you STINK!!! Take a shower! Wash your hair!!! NOW!" Or: "The reason you don't have friends is because you're not trying very hard. You want other people to cater to you and amuse you, and you're not working hard to keep in touch and brighten other people's lives. If you don't change, you will continue to be unpopular." Or: "Your attitude is horrible. You're selfish and lazy. Your whining makes everyone miserable." (Note: Some of these are made-up; my kids don't have ALL these problems.)

 

If you're speaking to an obtuse child, don't you just HAVE to be blunt almost to the point of cruelty sometimes? Otherwise they won't know what you're talking about.

 

When I was watching Downton Abbey, I particularly noticed Cora, the mother, and the way she spoke to her willful daughter Mary. Cora wasn't afraid to speak hard truths to Mary when necessary (for example, she told Mary that she was "damaged goods" to make Mary realize her reputation had been ruined by a scandal and she needed to find a husband and settle down quickly). I wondered what other people were thinking as they watched the show, whether they thought she was wounding Mary's spirit or not. I didn't; I thought Cora was being totally sensible every time she said these things. Mary had character flaws that needed to be pointed out to her for her own good.

 

I didn't have a mother, so I didn't hear hard truths from someone who truly loved me. When I heard these things, I discounted them because I could tell myself the accuser didn't love me and didn't "understand." So I'm very curious to know how far other moms go in speaking the truth to their own children.

[shinyhappypeople]

Good question, one I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think labeling someone selfish or lazy is mean. I have absolutely gotten to the point of "Honey, you STINK!!! Take a shower! Wash your hair!!! NOW!" after a series of gentler suggestions. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

 

The situation I'm struggling with is a 7 yr old who's about 20 lb. overweight. I'm terrified of the health implications and frustrated that she can't have the clothes she loves because they don't come in her size. I have no idea how to address it with her. I've blown it in some ways, but I can't just give up.

 

I'll be reading this thread with interest.

[Laura Corin]

The way it goes here:

 

- I think you need to wash your hair

- No I don't - it's fine

- Your hair's looking a bit greasy, so it needs washing

- It's fine

- I'm sorry, it's a social responsibility to look and smell clean. You need to wash your hair. You don't have a choice.

 

Laura

Edited February 16, 2011 by Laura Corin
typo

[Nan in Mass]

Yup. That is exactly the way it goes in our family, too, except that I use the word "polite" instead of "socially responsibility". Before it gets to insulting the child, I just straight order. Occasionally, I will declare an act to be selfish or uncompassionate. Usually my children can see that for themselves, or guess it, just by my saying that something is not a good idea. I would rather let the child go with dirty hair than tell them point blank that they stink.

-Nan

[OnTheBrink]

Truth in an abusive fashion (aka, what my mother would have said): You're hair is a grease pit, you smell like you haven't bathed in a year. Get your @$$ into the shower. Good god, no wonder you have no friends.

 

Truth in love: Honey, I know you probably don't realize how your hair looks and smells when it needs a washing. It's harder to smell yourself than it is for others to notice how you look and smell. I'd like you to go jump into the shower right now and wash up. Just get it done and you don't have to worry about it the rest of the day.

 

Then, if there's balking, it becomes an issue of obedience (I'm assuming we're talking about a child/teen here) and then the focus isn't so much on the hygiene as it is the fact you told the child to bathe and they're arguing or refusing to.

[JudoMom]

True love does what is best for the beloved.

 

Am I speaking to help or to wound? To guide or to hurt? Is there a purpose behind what I'm speaking, or am I just saying what I think because I can?

 

The truth does hurt a lot of times, but it also often needs to be said.

 

For me, it comes down to motives. Am I loving the person by telling them this truth, or am I simply making myself feel better and enjoying the vent?

[Trish]

Good question, one I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think labeling someone selfish or lazy is mean. I have absolutely gotten to the point of "Honey, you STINK!!! Take a shower! Wash your hair!!! NOW!" after a series of gentler suggestions. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

 

The situation I'm struggling with is a 7 yr old who's about 20 lb. overweight. I'm terrified of the health implications and frustrated that she can't have the clothes she loves because they don't come in her size. I have no idea how to address it with her. I've blown it in some ways, but I can't just give up.

 

I'll be reading this thread with interest.

 

I have one athletic skinny minnie ds, and the other not so much. The not-so-much one packed on a few pounds in the last year, and the dr. said his weight is fine, in the "high fine" range, but I decided to nip the oversnacking habit in the bud. I just bought fewer snacks and more fruits. The soda is now severely limited and he drinks more water with meals. Mine are 9 and 11, but at age 7 you should have the same amount of control over what dd eats.

 

If the snacks aren't around she can't eat them. Substitute healthier things, etc. It isn't helpful to her, healthwise or otherwise, to be overweight when she hits puberty.

[Old Dominion Heather]

There is a line (in my mind at least) between calling a behavior unacceptable and calling a child unacceptable. I would never call my kid a lazy bum (because I don't want to put that label on him), but I will call him out when he is being lazy. "Kid, I know you can do a better job than this, go do it again. People who do half-@$$ jobs just don't usually rise to the top and I know you are capable of more."

[simka2]

I also, think you have to take in the depth of relationship you have with the child and the age and maturity of the child. In the example of Downton Abbey, she is speaking to her adult daughter in a way that illustrates the seriousness of her choices. Yes, she labels her "damaged goods," but in that culture...she was. So you have "truth" spoken in the context of a deep and pretty healthy relationship between mother/daughter. This same mother also helped carry away her dead lover!

[LisaKinVA]

"If you gain any more weight, we're going to have to build bigger doors" is extremely hurtful, and NOT helpful (it wasn't even close to true, either...but that's another issue.)

 

When it comes to weight control -- there are some things you can manage, and other things you can't. If there is an underlying health condition that is prompting weight gain... all the "diet and exercise" in the world isn't going to solve it.

 

Weights & body types run the gammut in my family. There is not one who is not healthy, or would be considered overweight. HOWEVER, they all look very different. They all have essentially the same diet.

 

I am not going to single out any of my children for a special diet (unless there were allergy or other health issues present). What my dh and I decided is that we were going to lead by example. We were all going to eat the same foods.

 

That means I had to change what I buy. That means I had to change what I served. It means I have to change what I eat, and what I do.

 

For other stuff... I'd probably pull the "as long as you live under my roof" line my parents used. :tongue_smilie:

[Tullia]

I agree that a lot depends on the motivation of the one doing the speaking. Success also depends on knowing when to speak and when to stay silent. Some people learn from watching other people's mistakes; some of us learn only by making our own repeated, painful mistakes.

 

With younger children it's possible to issue orders with very little explanation other than these are house rules. End of story. However, as a child enters the middle school years obtuseness and argumentative behavior is common. It may be necessary to wait until a particularly stubborn child comes to you with hurt feelings before they'll listen. Sometimes, the lesson is learned by a complaint about "something stinks" being met with the old "yah, yer upper lip" from a peer.

 

Some people are naturally empathetic, most of us only learn by bumping elbows with others how obnoxious we can be to other folks. Some people never learn, and grow up to become complete boors and negative examples for a new generation.

[SailorMom]

My DS is 13 now, and we have struggled for about a year with deodorant and actually getting his hair clean in the shower. It doesn't help that he has my hair - which is fine and gets really greasy in one day.

I started out offerring help, advice, little reminders, etc. But when I heard my older DS say that at scouts he heard another scout comment on it, I knew it was time to get a bit tough.

I don't insult him, but I do tell it like it is. He is old enough to take it, and nothing else has worked. I frequently make him rewash his hair, and if he forgets deodorant, I tell him he stinks, make him change his shirt and put it on. I also ask him everytime we leave the house if he has used it.

Anyway - I have told him time and again that being different and not worrying about fitting in is fine, but there is a limit to what is socially acceptable and just downright gross.

[Harriet Vane]

Truth in an abusive fashion (aka, what my mother would have said): You're hair is a grease pit, you smell like you haven't bathed in a year. Get your @$$ into the shower. Good god, no wonder you have no friends.

 

Truth in love: Honey, I know you probably don't realize how your hair looks and smells when it needs a washing. It's harder to smell yourself than it is for others to notice how you look and smell. I'd like you to go jump into the shower right now and wash up. Just get it done and you don't have to worry about it the rest of the day.

 

Then, if there's balking, it becomes an issue of obedience (I'm assuming we're talking about a child/teen here) and then the focus isn't so much on the hygiene as it is the fact you told the child to bathe and they're arguing or refusing to.

 

:iagree: Very well said, Michelle.

[Joanne]

If a child doesn't want to take advice, and they really need do what is required, how blunt can you be before it gets ugly? "Honey, I know you don't want to wash your hair, but if you don't you will be teased and people will say you stink," devolves into: "I know you don't care if people tease you, but you must do this," and then: "Honey, you STINK!!! Take a shower! Wash your hair!!! NOW!" Or: "The reason you don't have friends is because you're not trying very hard. You want other people to cater to you and amuse you, and you're not working hard to keep in touch and brighten other people's lives. If you don't change, you will continue to be unpopular." Or: "Your attitude is horrible. You're selfish and lazy. Your whining makes everyone miserable." (Note: Some of these are made-up; my kids don't have ALL these problems.)

 

.

 

 

Having been a victim of verbal *abuse* (and I wish we didn't have to qualify it with "verbal"), I want to say I don't find any of the above to be verbal abuse. I find the bold to be inappropriate and unkind and not helpful. A childhood of that kind of interaction is dysfunctional, and probably adds up to abuse.

[Rebecca VA]

Nan, you said, "I would rather let a child go with dirty hair than tell him point-blank that he stinks."

 

Aren't you (collective you, for anyone who wants to chime in) worried that he will face social disgrace? I have suffered a lot over the years because I didn't learn those hard truths early in my life. I've had many hard knocks because I didn't know things or understand the importance of social conventions. I'm coming at this from the angle of "better for them to hear it from me than from other people."

[bluemongoose]

I would suggest not tagging on the "You will have not friends if..." to the "You stink and need to bathe".

 

My mother always said things like "If you have pimples you have not washed your face and nobody will like you. You wont have friends." Like you could get through adolescence without pimples even if you scrub your face religiously! "If you have bad breath you wont have any friends." "If you eat seconds at dinner and get any fatter, nobody will like you and you will have no friends."

 

My mother really thought she was "calling it like it was" and "doing it out of love" but her constant criticism hurt.

 

I think it is our duty to help our children learn good hygiene, and nag them a little when needed :D to take a shower and use deodorant, but I think we can do so without commenting on their ability to have friends and other below the belt comments.

[elfgivas]

we try to address the issue specifically, and not globalize it. so with hair, we have the "your hormones are changing. when that happens, hair needs to be washed more, and bodies, too. in this culture, people also wear deoderant every day. you put it on as you get dressed each morning after your shower. you can shower after breakfast each day." it becomes part of the morning routine. once it is part of the routine, it rarely gets missed.

 

routinizing things that need to be routine is one of the ways i avoid having to argue, cajole, nag, etc my kids into doing what we all know at some level needs to be done. i just don't have the energy to fight the same battles over and over again, but i need the things to be done.

 

routines work for me, too ;)

ann

 

ann

[RayDad]

Speaking the truth!

Edited February 16, 2011 by RayDad
point was made and taken to heart

[myfunnybunch]

don't you just HAVE to be blunt almost to the point of cruelty sometimes? Otherwise they won't know what you're talking about.

 

No. It is possible to be direct, or blunt, without being cruel, rude or unkind. One can describe very clearly and directly undesirable behaviors in a loving and respectful way.

 

A lot of it depends on how it's said. I can say to my son matter-of-factly "You must have had a good workout at karate. You don't smell good right now. Please go shower," or even laughingly say, "Oh maaaan, you STINK! Go take a shower, dude." If he's resistant, I just get him in the shower by treating it as a discipline/following directions issue. I find a later time to talk about good manners, in this instance the good manners of making sure you're not subjecting others to your body odor.

 

When talking about attitude, I try to describe the behavior ("You have been complaining a lot lately") instead of the child ("You are whiny" or lazy or selfish...).

 

I really try to avoid saying anything about the child's thoughts or motivations and focus instead only on how the behavior impacts him or herself and others. Example (from your post, but I'm not picking on you!): Instead of "You want other people to cater to you and amuse you," I might say, "You have been complaining a lot about xyz. It's really difficult to hear because our attitudes can positively or negatively affect people around us. When you complain, it makes it difficult for others to enjoy your company."

 

I try to directly teach and focus the bulk of the discussion and guidance on positive replacement behaviors. Instead of saying a child won't be popular, I'd talk about how we make and keep friends. With a child that's just not getting it, I'd further focus on practicing specific behaviors: How to greet others pleasantly, how to show an interest in others' lives, how to find positive on oneself and others, how to redirect oneself from negativity (and model specific examples, because this is a big general topic)....

 

I'd also be careful to examine my goals for the child (and hers). Is it to be popular, or is it to establish healthy friendships? Is the goal to stop the complaining or is it to learn to look at things in a more positive light?

 

I am a direct person. It is an double-sided coin, both a gift and a curse. I have, in the past, crossed the line more than I'd like to admit between being direct and being rudely critical. It wasn't helpful. It damaged my relationships. So I am...try my utmost to be...very careful about how I use directness with my children.

 

So my last strategy, I suppose, is apologizing when I've crossed the line or hurt feelings. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I wish I had been more careful about what I said." It doesn't mean I let the issue drop entirely, but with sensitive issues and sensitive kiddos, an apology can go a long way.

 

Cat

[Murphy101]

Nan, you said, "I would rather let a child go with dirty hair than tell him point-blank that he stinks."

 

Aren't you (collective you, for anyone who wants to chime in) worried that he will face social disgrace? I have suffered a lot over the years because I didn't learn those hard truths early in my life. I've had many hard knocks because I didn't know things or understand the importance of social conventions. I'm coming at this from the angle of "better for them to hear it from me than from other people."

 

I agree. I don't think it is at all abusive to be brutally honest. Yes, I would and have told my boys point blank they stink. Yes, I would and have explained to them that if the first thing that strikes others about them is their odor or filth, the chances of them forming much of a relationship, professional or personal, is drastically reduced. This is not abuse. This is reality. I would feel abusive if I didn't tell them these basic facts. I think it would be cruel.

 

My dh has worked with many people over the years. He is in corporate training. And yes, he has had people who have lost jobs bc they didn't understand that their stink was affecting the work place, or that they needed to look professional. Too many people were too polite to tell them this and it costs them very literally.

 

Now if ALL a person ever does is give brutal honesty, without guidance to correct the issue or without ever seeing any positive - I still don't think that is abusive so much as just a sad statement of how they view their child. And likely not very effective.

 

For example, I don't give a patootie if my boys have longish hair, but yes I will be brutally honest if it looks dirty. Simple enough solution - go shower.

 

If I said they needed to color their hair bc the I think the color is just ugly - that is an insult to their personal being, not a brutal truth.

 

I think much of this boils down to perspective on kids. I don't think they are mentally or emotionally fragile to the point that my saying they stink is somehow damaging.

 

I do think that just bc you wouldn't be that blunt with your kid, it doesn't make it abuse if someone else is.

 

Tho I do wonder, for those in that camp, do you think it is abusive when they suffer the lack of honesty? For example, kids aren't known for their tact. If your kid stinks, other kids are going to react to it. Either by polite shunning or by being brutally honest to your kid for you. How is that kinder than a loving parent setting them straight? I don't understand that.:confused:

[stormy weather]

I think a lot of what is being talked about comes down to habit training, whether it is hygiene or their attitude or healthy eating/exercise. I think that if hints or kind reminders don't work then it needs to become a habit to work on with the child.

[MariannNOVA]

There is a line (in my mind at least) between calling a behavior unacceptable and calling a child unacceptable. I would never call my kid a lazy bum (because I don't want to put that label on him), but I will call him out when he is being lazy. "Kid, I know you can do a better job than this, go do it again. People who do half-@$$ jobs just don't usually rise to the top and I know you are capable of more."

 

In red, this pretty much sums up my view in all this. I make it a point NEVER to label the child as the sum of the behavior; i.e., 'You are acting in a lazy fashion when you produce that kind of work' is, imo, not demeaning or damaging and opens the door to communication with the child regarding 'what' earned their actions a designation of lazy by me. And, yes, it does depend on the age of the child. The statement: 'Could you be any more of a lazy, unproductive do-nothing?' is totally unacceptable, does not edify anyone, and does nothing to point out acceptable behavior to the individual to whom I am speaking.

 

As far as the showering, bathing thing -- I have BTDT with my older girls. I have had to write letters to summer camp telling dd31 (when she was 9) to take a hot shower with soap and get the smell of the lake off her. I have had to instruct as to HOW to wash hair so that it is washed. My mom had to do the same to me when I was 12 -- she did it in an angry, demeaning, could you be anymore stupid way and I clearly never forgot it. I walked through Wegman's with DD11 two nights ago looking for what she called 'the perfect detangler' for her hair. I read every label on just about every bottle of detangler and we went over them. I explained to her kindly which bottle of shampoo in the shower to use, and I explained to her that when she used conditioner, she should put it only on the ends of her hair and not on her scalp (she is having difficulty with an oily scalp). She was SO grateful for that tip -- if I had been berating her and accusing her of being stupid and lazy b/c her roots were greasy, it would have been such a damaging experience for her (as it was for me at 12) -- instead, she felt like she had a different method with which she could approach the problem. We also found what we considered to be a light spray (probably really isn't any different from what she had been using) and I instructed her NOT to spray it on her scalp, but again, only on the ends.

 

Without berating her and turning an oily scalp into a character flaw, we were both good with how this was handled.

 

And, I have no problem telling my kids: 'Take a bath. Use soap. Use hot water. Do it twice.' I don't consider that verbal abuse. I have regaled my kids with stories of me and my cousins and friends when we were little kids and how it was a huge contest to see whose knees could be dirtiest by the end of the day.:001_smile:

[Ginevra]

I am direct and matter-of-fact when things need to be done. I do not call names, but I don't white-wash the facts, either. I have said, "Your hair looks greasy; you have to take a shower today." I have told children I can see yellow scum along the gum lines of their teeth and they must go brush again. I have also explained that it's possible to not smell your own odor and they need to be aware of that.

 

My own parents did not provide adequate guidance. I am determined to not do the same. If the worse thing that happens is that my kids think I nagged them to be clean, to dress appropriately, to keep their rooms neat, well, that is a down-side I can live with.

[rwilliams]

I am direct and matter-of-fact when things need to be done. I do not call names, but I don't white-wash the facts, either. I have said, "Your hair looks greasy; you have to take a shower today." I have told children I can see yellow scum along the gum lines of their teeth and they must go brush again. I have also explained that it's possible to not smell your own odor and they need to be aware of that.

 

My own parents did not provide adequate guidance. I am determined to not do the same. If the worse thing that happens is that my kids think I nagged them to be clean, to dress appropriately, to keep their rooms neat, well, that is a down-side I can live with.

 

I agree! I regret more the things my parents did not teach me that I had to learn the hard way. I will teach my own son things he needs to learn even if it requires effort and aggravation when it would be easier to let him have cavities and dress poorly!

[LizzyBee]

This is so hard. My middle child has sensory issues, does not enjoy showering, and hates the smells of toiletries. I was getting on her for the millionth time about using deodorant, and she started to cry. I hugged her and told her it was better to hear it from me than to have no friends because of her odor. She's gotten better, but it's still a battle some days.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I guess it would depend on the child. Does the child need cruel truth or just plain enforcing the rules of personal hygiene? Words like that from my mother were wounds that never healed. They scabbed over, but the sore was always there, under the skin. My siblings were more like "water off a ducks back." They weren't affected by cruel words.

 

I was a bed-wetter. I was in such shame and denial that bathing before school was admitting that I wet the bed. Being told that I deserved to get teased because I stunk really just made me want to go further underground. I lived with that "deserved bad treatment" statement in my head well into adulthood. Had she told me that I had to bathe and that was it - matter of fact statement without judgements - it would have been soo much less damaging. Telling me once of the normal consequences of not bathing would have sufficed. Telling me that I stank was over the top. Simply requiring a shower or bath would have been enough.

 

I have said things in anger that I wish I could take back. They have come back to haunt me. I have tried to make up for those hurtful words and I hope I have succeeded. But, my oldest does have social anxiety, partially caused by my thoughtless words on a similar issues.

[bettyandbob]

I think some children (at least one of mine) come with personalities that just won't respond to certain direction. We've had issues with oldest ds where we went from indirect/polite to blunt to I'm sure crossing lines over sheer frustration. In our case it was a not showering, shampooing, teeth brushing issue. It was bad. He was determined his parents were making it up. He was determined other kids were just rude for no apparent reason. It was only when a music teacher he looked up to refused to teach him anymore and refused to let him attend group rehearsals did he get it. Hygiene care has been done daily since. Now, we have a problem with how organizational skills are hurting ds big time in his grades. I've been demonstrating/teaching organizational skills for years. It's only now, while he's looking a college possibilities and military opportunities that he's starting to see a problem exists, but I don't think he really knows what the problem is because he won't accept my definition of the problem.

 

I think some personalities have to learn by hitting rock bottom. They just do not connect what other people say whether indirect or blunt to their own behavior. When you deal with someone like this and his/her problem 24/7 it requires lots and lots of restraint on what you say and do. And I can see someone becoming verbally abusive because of the frustration. It's truly painful to deal with someone who is self destructive.

 

My other dc are not like my oldest, so I don't think I have major parenting flaw, it's just a difference between the kids. I definitely have to handle them differently as a result.

 

On the food issues others have described, we've taken the tactic of not having stuff in the house. No sodas. No potato chips. If there are cookies or brownies it's because I make them and that doesn't happen often.

[FaithManor]

I agree with Old Dominion Heather. There is a subtle difference in labeling the behavior and labeling the child. That subtle difference is usually determined by wording, tone of voice, gesture.

 

I try really hard not to label the child. That said, I have one that a. makes me nuts if he has so much as a sniffle so I've had to tell him the story of "crying wolf" several times, along with "people don't like whiners" without directly calling him a whiner or inferring that I don't like him in anyway. I find that I have to breathe deep and think before I deliver the talk. Sometimes I leave it do dh who has a unique knack for managing this. My youngest takes criticism seriously to heart so we have to be very careful how we word things.

 

What is verbal abuse to some will not be to others simply because each child is a little different in how they react to the criticism. So, it's really unfortunate because there isn't an easy answer, a straight line in the sand, except for over-the-top, in your face, hateful speech. So much will vary from child to child.

 

It would be nice if these kids came with manuals like my sewing machine...a how to for each function!

 

Faith

[bettyandbob]

It would be nice if these kids came with manuals like my sewing machine...a how to for each function!

 

Faith

 

 

YUP

[Laurie4b]

This morning's thread on family criticism has prompted me to post a question I've been wrestling with lately. How far can/should one go in speaking hard truths to a family member? I'm especially thinking of children here.

 

If a child doesn't want to take advice, and they really need do what is required, how blunt can you be before it gets ugly? "Honey, I know you don't want to wash your hair, but if you don't you will be teased and people will say you stink," devolves into: "I know you don't care if people tease you, but you must do this," and then: "Honey, you STINK!!! Take a shower! Wash your hair!!! NOW!" Or: "The reason you don't have friends is because you're not trying very hard. You want other people to cater to you and amuse you, and you're not working hard to keep in touch and brighten other people's lives. If you don't change, you will continue to be unpopular." Or: "Your attitude is horrible. You're selfish and lazy. Your whining makes everyone miserable." (Note: Some of these are made-up; my kids don't have ALL these problems.)

 

If you're speaking to an obtuse child, don't you just HAVE to be blunt almost to the point of cruelty sometimes? Otherwise they won't know what you're talking about.

 

When I was watching Downton Abbey, I particularly noticed Cora, the mother, and the way she spoke to her willful daughter Mary. Cora wasn't afraid to speak hard truths to Mary when necessary (for example, she told Mary that she was "damaged goods" to make Mary realize her reputation had been ruined by a scandal and she needed to find a husband and settle down quickly). I wondered what other people were thinking as they watched the show, whether they thought she was wounding Mary's spirit or not. I didn't; I thought Cora was being totally sensible every time she said these things. Mary had character flaws that needed to be pointed out to her for her own good.

 

I didn't have a mother, so I didn't hear hard truths from someone who truly loved me. When I heard these things, I discounted them because I could tell myself the accuser didn't love me and didn't "understand." So I'm very curious to know how far other moms go in speaking the truth to their own children.

 

Verbal abuse is attacking the core of who a kid is, essentially saying, you are a piece of ____, or I hate you, etc. whether by directly saying those kinds of things, or implying them.

 

 

A loving mom who tells her kid that he stinks a situation in which a kid does stink, is not verbal abuse, especially if the kid can't take the hint when said less forthrightly.