WTBY?-Would this bother you?

[stormy weather]

ETA: Update in post 28.

Here's the situation.

Best friend is in the area for three weeks. You only see her about once every two years but talk on the phone and e-mail almost daily. Plan before she came was that she would stay with you three days. Called this morning to say she would be coming tomorrow and would be staying the night in a hotel, and then would see if her DH would allow her to stay longer. She says DH doesn't want her to stay w/ you because he is afraid she will be an inconvienience because your Dad has a broken back, even though you have repeatedly told her it will not be any trouble(it's been a month since said back was broken and Dad is feeling better and mostly resting in his room).

What if you went through the same drill everytime she was in the area. She has improved in that she is coming to see you at all. She is usually not allowed to see you at all because her in-laws might be offended or upset by her leaving their house.

Should you be thankful you get to see her at all? Or would you be hurt everytime she comes because she won't stand up to anyone and let it be known that your friendship is important to her. Would you feel like maybe there is something else behind all this and that she uses other people as a convienient excuse? You have talked to her about it before but you always seem to end up in the same situation.:confused:

If you're still with me, :tongue_smilie:would this bother you?

Please forgive any misspellings and bad grammar.

TIA

ETA: I posted this below but thought it might be helpful to add it here too.

I was close friends with her dh before they met, so afaik her dh is not abusive or controlling. She can't stand to be alone.

Edited December 31, 2010 by stormy weather

[Tree House Academy]

I would wonder if we have the same best friend. LOL

 

Really, I have come to expect it. I still love her and I just roll with the punches. It is not like I go out of my way to visit her either.

[jewellsmommy]

hhmm, it's hard to say without knowing the person but, ...you said you talk regularly? Does she engage as much as you? Does she initiate email and phone calls? If so, then it sounds like a genuine friendship and maybe she has other issues when it comes to face to face with relations, especially if other people are involved. Maybe she really likes you but is uncomfortable around ppl she does not know as well, your dh or dad or dc? Maybe it is something weird with her dh, like he doesn't want her to for some other reason and she doesn't want him to look like a bad guy?

[Lisa in Jax]

I had a friend like that. We were fine as long as I only wanted to be "friends" via email or telephone. When she visited our city (where she used to live) or we were traveling through her city, she always backed out at the last minute.

 

It really bothered me, and it was part of the reason our friendship died a slow death over time.

 

I'm sorry your friend isn't spending more time with you. :(

 

Lisa

[Harriet Vane]

I would wonder if her marriage is abusive--her dh and parents sound really controlling.

 

Barring that, yes I would be hurt, but I would want to keep the peace and keep my friend, so would probably do my best to put my own hurt aside.

[Lara in Colo]

I have a MIL who's husband (DH's step father) doesn't "allow" her to visit more than 3 hours per year. They live in another state and stay here 10 days a year and she's "allowed" 3 hours?

 

Yes it bothers me that someone cannot either say they don't want to see me or cannot stand up for themselves, or has an abusive relationship (yes --over control is abusive).

Lara

[Aggie]

She may be using her dh as an "out". If she's spending 3 weeks with family, a night in a hotel would sound wonderful!

 

And, like Tammy posted, she may just feel uncomfortable in a home with people she doesn't know well. She might have some sleep/bathroom issues she wishes to deal with privately, too.

[Jan in SC]

I would be sad. I would be very concerned that my friend was in an abusive relationship.

 

I don't mean to start anything, and obviously you know your friend, but something sounds wrong.

[Hannah]

Maybe it is something weird with her dh, like he doesn't want her to for some other reason and she doesn't want him to look like a bad guy?

 

:iagree:

[stormy weather]

I was close friends with her dh before they met, so afaik her dh is not abusive or controlling. She can't stand to be alone.

IDK I wish I could just get over it. I end up feeling hurt every. single. time. Even though I know it's coming. I wish I had just told her I would be out of town.:leaving: Then it would be a non-issue.

[regentrude]

I would be very concerned about a friend who lets her DH "allow" her what to do. Would raise a red flag for me.

[Sahamamama]

She would see if her DH would allow her to stay longer. She says DH doesn't want her to stay w/ you... She is usually not allowed to see you at all...

 

Does her husband really control her that much?

 

She won't stand up to anyone and let it be known that your friendship is important to her. Would you feel like maybe there is something else behind all this and that she uses other people as a convenient excuse?

 

This is another possibility. You could ask her straight out why her visits, when they rarely occur, happen in this disappointing way.

[Anne in CA]

I really think her dh may be cutting her apart from her friends. This is what abusers do before they really go for broke.

 

It is also possible that as time has gone on she is no longer comfortable with you and your life is so different from hers that she no longer identifies with you. Also, home schooling does weird some people out, lol, and they are afraid you will try to convert them. Maybe she is using her dh as an excuse. So it may be her, or it may be her dh, but I doubt that it is anything you have done.

[Beetkvass]

I would be very concerned about a friend who lets her DH "allow" her what to do. Would raise a red flag for me.

 

FWIW Growing up I knew a lot of women who actually used this as an excuse. It had nothing to do with their husbands controlling them but a way for them to get out of bearing responsibility for choices made. They just got to use their husbands as scapegoats because they didn't want to do something.

[stormy weather]

She would see if her DH would allow her to stay longer. She says DH doesn't want her to stay w/ you... She is usually not allowed to see you at all...

 

Does her husband really control her that much?

 

She won't stand up to anyone and let it be known that your friendship is important to her. Would you feel like maybe there is something else behind all this and that she uses other people as a convenient excuse?

 

This is another possibility. You could ask her straight out why her visits, when they rarely occur, happen in this disappointing way.

 

I feel like if she would take a stand no one would be able to have that kind of control over her. She can't stand the fall out of standing up to her in-laws, so she just doesn't. I have a hard time judging because I am not married and come from a family that was/is very matriarchal. My mom and my grandmother would never have let their dh's(or anyone else) "allow" them to do something. :tongue_smilie: I'm not inclined to ask permission from anyone.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug: It would bother me. It would hurt my feelings. I would probably take the time I got and enjoy it, but it would still bother me.

 

Another issue to consider is anxiety and introversion. My sister is much more comfortable with many people by email/phone than she is in person. The idea of spending the night even with a close friend and the family would be uncomfortable for her.

 

Maybe your friend just needs her own space and time and is afraid she'll hurt your feelings by saying so.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

I think this is a situation in which it's good to go with the "it is what it is" part and enjoy the time you have with her. When you get together, I might say something like: "It seems that we always end up scaling back the time we're together. Am I somehow putting pressure on you to please me without realizing it?" (I'm not suggesting that you are putting pressure on her, but asking her like that keeps her from being put on the defensive. She may be juggling too many people's wants and if you are the most accomodating, she may take the path that causes the least amount of trouble. )

[stormy weather]

Thanks, for all the responses.

It could be any number of the things everybody has suggested.

I guess I just need follow my own rule- Confront the person/problem or suck it up. I just need to decide if it will be worth trying to talk to her about it.

 

Thanks for "listening" and confirming that the situation is a hurtful one. I don't have anyone IRL that I can talk to about this friend without causing hurt feeling for others. Thanks for being my sounding board.

[Crimson Wife]

I feel like if she would take a stand no one would be able to have that kind of control over her. She can't stand the fall out of standing up to her in-laws, so she just doesn't. I have a hard time judging because I am not married and come from a family that was/is very matriarchal. My mom and my grandmother would never have let their dh's(or anyone else) "allow" them to do something. :tongue_smilie: I'm not inclined to ask permission from anyone.

 

Was she like this before you were a single mom? Or did it start afterwards?

 

I know someone whose DH started acting very negatively towards a mutual friend when that woman got divorced. Then when she remarried, he was fine with her again. It was really unfair because the divorce was initiated by the ex rather than our friend. But it's like he thought that the simple state of being a divorcee made her a bad influence. Stupid :glare:

[Trish]

She can't stand being alone, but is staying in a hotel? Alone? Or with her family?

 

In any case, it is what it is. Even if you thought she WERE in some sort of borderline dangerous situation (supercontrolling/abusive husband, or deranged inlaws), it doesn't sound like you're in any position to do anything about it. I mean, if this were actually the case, wouldn't she have closer family members, or closer geographical friends/acquaintances who would be more inclined to take on that role?

 

And if it is not a dangerous situation, but simply one which makes her most comfortable, due to WHATEVER issue (husband preferences, desire to please inlaws, personal preference, habit, tic, phobia, whatever), then, it doesn't really matter, does it?

 

It's really a matter of can you enjoy what she has to offer as a friend, which is the calls and emails, and occasional non-overnight visits.

 

You can certainly say to her "I wish you could stay overnight! I'm disappointed you can't." But beyond that, what really is there to say, other than to pry into areas she hasn't felt comfortable sharing?

[stormy weather]

Was she like this before you were a single mom? Or did it start afterwards?

 

I know someone whose DH started acting very negatively towards a mutual friend when that woman got divorced. Then when she remarried, he was fine with her again. It was really unfair because the divorce was initiated by the ex rather than our friend. But it's like he thought that the simple state of being a divorcee made her a bad influence. Stupid :glare:

I've always been single. My kids are adopted. :)

But IKWYM, I've gotten that kind of treatment at some churches I've been to. Like I'm one of those "unwed mothers" ummm....:lol:

[Denisemomof4]

I was close friends with her dh before they met, so afaik her dh is not abusive or controlling. She can't stand to be alone.

IDK I wish I could just get over it. I end up feeling hurt every. single. time. Even though I know it's coming. I wish I had just told her I would be out of town.:leaving: Then it would be a non-issue.

 

I think you'd be doing yourself, and her, a favor if you were totally honest with her. Let her know that you really look forward to spending time with her and that you get hurt every time she comes and can't see you much. Ask her if she's comfortable sharing why she can't see you more.

 

Do you go visit her?

[OLG]

Some folks prefer to not stay in others' homes....my dh and I are like that. He won't even stay with his folks when we visit but prefers a hotel for some privacy. Maybe your df could come and visit you solo sometime? That's what I've 'evolved' into doing in my later years. Good girl time and her hubbie doesn't have to be entertained!

[stormy weather]

She can't stand being alone, but is staying in a hotel? Alone? Or with her family?

This is part of what has me :confused: She'll be alone with one of her kids. When her dh goes away for work she has her mom stay with her or goes to her mom's

 

In any case, it is what it is. Even if you thought she WERE in some sort of borderline dangerous situation (supercontrolling/abusive husband, or deranged inlaws), it doesn't sound like you're in any position to do anything about it. I mean, if this were actually the case, wouldn't she have closer family members, or closer geographical friends/acquaintances who would be more inclined to take on that role?

 

And if it is not a dangerous situation, but simply one which makes her most comfortable, due to WHATEVER issue (husband preferences, desire to please inlaws, personal preference, habit, tic, phobia, whatever), then, it doesn't really matter, does it?

 

It's really a matter of can you enjoy what she has to offer as a friend, which is the calls and emails, and occasional non-overnight visits.

I would be okay with non-overnight visits if that was the plan to begin with, it's the flip-flopping of plans that bring the disappointment. kwim? Even my kids both said when I told them her plans "How come ___ doesn't like staying at our house?" :confused:

 

You can certainly say to her "I wish you could stay overnight! I'm disappointed you can't." But beyond that, what really is there to say, other than to pry into areas she hasn't felt comfortable sharing?

 

Maybe I'll send her an e-mail to ask her what's up.:tongue_smilie:

[kathkath]

I am that friend in similar circumstances but we don't talk so frequently. Said friend lives a couple of hours from my DH's family but has family nearby and always wants me to let her know when we're in town and that she would come down. We live 13 hours away. Honestly I would love to see her but it is usually such a whirlwind of seeing DH's 2 families (divorce) his sister, nursing home family, cousins, etc that I can't imagine fitting one more thing in. So aside from good intentions, it just never happens. :( I bet she does take it personally.

[stormy weather]

I think you'd be doing yourself, and her, a favor if you were totally honest with her. Let her know that you really look forward to spending time with her and that you get hurt every time she comes and can't see you much. Ask her if she's comfortable sharing why she can't see you more.

 

Do you go visit her?

I would love to go visit her,buuut( you knew it was coming right?:tongue_smilie:) She's a two day drive(alone w/ two kids) from me. I can't afford air fare or train tickets for all of us and have no one to mind my kids if I went alone.

 

I've been through sooo much worse. I wish I could just let go of this and feel like I had no expectations of what things would be like in our friendship. Just to let things be what they are. If that makes any sense?

[ChandlerMom]

\

It's really a matter of can you enjoy what she has to offer as a friend, which is the calls and emails, and occasional non-overnight visits.

 

 

I think that is the bottom line. Personally, I'd just get thru this visit without conflict. Next time, when she starts in with the "three days" just say, "Why don't we just plan on having a nice dinner [or whatever]. That's what we end up doing anyways, and I would rather plan on that then be disappointed."

 

We get upset when we have unmet expectations. You've already discussed this with her and nothing has changed. I think your choice is to adjust your expectations, keep being disappointed, or stop being her friend. Your friend is being insensitive be stringing you along, getting your hopes up. She probably doesn't mean to do that, but that is the result. She has pretty clearly demonstrated the limits of your friendship and it's common for any 2 people to have different expectations. You can't make her be MORE of your friend, so if you want to accept it on her terms do so, but you certainly can end the cycle of unrealized expectations. No, this time will NOT be different. Nor next time. So plan accordingly, regardless of how much she swears "this time will be different and I'll stay longer". You might find you can enjoy your friendship more when you stop expecting it to be different than it is, no matter how much less it seems than what you hoped it would be. Without this tension you might even become better friends. Of you may find she feeds off your need for her. Either way, you're better off than stuck in this cycle.

[stormy weather]

So my friend has come and gone, and I thought I would give an update for any one who is interested.

I just ended up saying plainly to her " I really don't undrstand why you are staying in a hotel when I have told you will be no trouble here." She said she didn't understand either but that that was what her dh was insisting on:confused: So she ended up staying two days, but the weird part is that her dh didn't even pay for the hotel room, her dad ended up paying for the two nights in the hotel:confused:

I'm just going to have to accept that she cannot or will not rock the boat. I'm still irrtated that someone who has no part in our relationship is given power in it though.:tongue_smilie: Oh well, we had a good time together and next time I will try to remember that her dh will probably screw up our plans:glare: and to lower my expectaions.

[Catwoman]

I think your friend has a very odd relationship with a controlling dh, and that she has no intention of questioning his "authority." I think your only option is to do what you've been doing, which is to accept the friendship as it is. You can't change her relationship with her dh, and she will always prioritize that relationship over her friendship with you, so if you want to remain friends, I guess you're just stuck with her quirks.

 

Are you sure it's her dh that doesn't want her to stay with you? It seems odd that her father would have paid for the hotel if it hadn't been your friend's idea.

 

Cat

[Cindyz]

My guess is that she likes her space and prefers to stay in a hotel and does not want to hurt your feelings. I would just accept it and move on. :)

[stormy weather]

Yeah, it's the dh. I talked to her mom(another dear friend) and she said her dad was irritated that he was the one who was footing the bill but that he did it so she could see me and have a good time. The older I get the more immature their relationship looks to me from the outside. Maybe I'm the one who has changed too much. But, there's nothing I can do about it. If she is okay with it what can I do? I'm thinking the dh is SUPER insecure.

Oh, well. C'est la vie. :tongue_smilie:

[Dobela]

My guess is that she likes her space and prefers to stay in a hotel and does not want to hurt your feelings. I would just accept it and move on. :)

:iagree:I agree. I am one of those women who has been known to use my husband as an excuse. But only to friends and family who are in that way of thinking that the man always makes the last decision. My mom was pressuring me to do all sorts of things until I began turning her down with, "Well, dh isn't too fond of that idea." Or some version of it. Just recently we went to visit family for the holidays and there was much pressure for us to stay in one of their homes. When the honest reason of "we'll be arriving at midnight and don't want to wake you up" didn't have any effect to curb their constant pleas of 'you can stay with us' I finally just said, "Dh really wants to stay in the hotel so he can sleep in late after our drive." When I said that, the pleas for us to stay in the home stopped. Apparently the hotel was ok if dh wanted it but not if I did.

 

Next time she comes, invite her but when she says no, ask where she is staying or if you can give her any suggestions for a great place. Then tell how glad you are that she found a great place to stay, offer to cook a meal, and just enjoy your time together.

[Catwoman]

Yeah, it's the dh. I talked to her mom(another dear friend) and she said her dad was irritated that he was the one who was footing the bill but that he did it so she could see me and have a good time. The older I get the more immature their relationship looks to me from the outside. Maybe I'm the one who has changed too much. But, there's nothing I can do about it. If she is okay with it what can I do? I'm thinking the dh is SUPER insecure.

Oh, well. C'est la vie. :tongue_smilie:

 

I am surprised that even her parents seem to walk on eggshells around this guy. I mean, her father paid the hotel bill so you and she could have some time together??? Are they all afraid of the dh? It doesn't make any sense at all to me.

 

Cat

[stormy weather]

I am surprised that even her parents seem to walk on eggshells around this guy. I mean, her father paid the hotel bill so you and she could have some time together??? Are they all afraid of the dh? It doesn't make any sense at all to me.

 

Cat

I really can't understand the dynamic either. I think what her parents do they do for her, because they can't stand to see her hurting. But...I feel like they enable him to act rudely and be the one running the show and that running round behind him cleaning up his messes also shields him from seeing that he is damaging relationships and hurting people. I wonder if her parents stopped fixing if she would put her foot down. But, I'm looking at it from far away, I don't want to sound like I don't love these people, I really do. They are very dear to me. I don't want to caught up in the fallout any more though.

[Catwoman]

I really can't understand the dynamic either. I think what her parents do they do for her, because they can't stand to see her hurting. But...I feel like they enable him to act rudely and be the one running the show and that running round behind him cleaning up his messes also shields him from seeing that he is damaging relationships and hurting people. I wonder if her parents stopped fixing if she would put her foot down. But, I'm looking at it from far away, I don't want to sound like I don't love these people, I really do. They are very dear to me. I don't want to caught up in the fallout any more though.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

It sounds like something is definitely a little wonky there, but I completely understand why you wouldn't want to get caught in the middle of it. You'll be there for your friend if she ever tells you she needs help, and that's all you can do. For all you know, she may be happy with her dh, and be fine with his controlling nature. Whatever the case, her marriage isn't really your business, and you're probably better off staying out of it.

 

It's hard when you want to smack someone in the head and tell them to snap out of it and take a stand, yet you know it's not your place to do that. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Brilliant]

...

I just ended up saying plainly to her " I really don't undrstand why you are staying in a hotel when I have told you will be no trouble here." She said she didn't understand either but that that was what her dh was insisting on:confused: So she ended up staying two days, but the weird part is that her dh didn't even pay for the hotel room, her dad ended up paying for the two nights in the hotel:confused:

 

 

Another perspective: My dh is what I would call "set in his ways". We have very dear friends with whom we stay occasionally in another city. If it were up to dh, we'd stay at a hotel. He just likes his privacy, likes to set his own agenda, etc. He doesn't dislike our friends or begrudge our time with them. Nor is he abusive or overly controlling.

 

Lucky for me & the kids: our dog is usually with us, and our friends love our pup! (Marriott doesn't love our dog). So we get to stay with our dear friends. :D