Sticks and stones and all that. Words *do* hurt. (rant about "broken homes")

[asta]

JMO

 

If you (general you) are an adult who has not been in a marriage that has been in a place bad enough that divorce was on the table

 

and

 

If you are kvetching about how much divorce hurt you as a child

 

you may

 

wish to consider that while you may be evaluating/commenting on an adult situation, as an adult (who is in a healthy, functional relationship) it is quite possible that those comments are coming through a child/adolescent filter .

 

I'm not saying this is intentional - just that people, all people, filter information through their own experiences - and if that experience happened at 14? Well, the filter is stuck at 14 as well. I think most of us here would agree that a 14 year old (or any child or adolescent) wouldn't process things the same way adults do.

 

I'm probably not making any sense. It is late here.

 

 

Again, JMO.

[PineFarmMom]

Never mind...Merry Christmas!!

Edited December 25, 2010 by Texas T

[Rosie_0801]

While I have no problem avoiding the term if it is hurtful....why so snarky??? I think your request would be a lot stronger without this sort of comment.

 

I guess you haven't been reading the other threads Joanne is spinning off from. If you had, I rekon you'd understand. It's not the words, the label that is the problem. You need to have some way to talk about things, and lexical items are good for that. What sucks is the baggage. The assumptions that you are substandard because your parents divorced. The assumption that your son is only dating me because he felt sorry for me, as though I'm some kind of charity case; conveniently forgetting that your dearly beloved, only son has a couple of pretty substantial flaws (just like anyone including the judgmental mil) and he is just as lucky to have caught me as I am to have caught him! ;)

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

 

Heck yeah, but I believe the kids in those situations deserve to have those around them stay non-judgmental until the they've had time to do that growing up they need to do. Most will get there, but I think it is harder than it is for kids growing up in happy, supportive, two parent families. I'd like to suggest that passing judgment on these kids ought to wait until their mid-20's. Then, I think most kids need until their mid-20's to get their stuff together. Not that things always work this way. I got my stuff together a heck of a lot earlier then my hubby who's parents are still reasonably happily married.

 

Just because we don't like the judgement doesn't mean we get to require others to stop issuing/believing it.

 

Some of us have a weird optimistic streak that leads us to think others like to be educated. Some of us think that once in a blue moon, a person will have one of their views challenged, and think "Oh heck! I didn't mean it like that!" and they'll tone their opinion down because they truly didn't realise their little opinion had so much kick when they only assumed it was only a bit of a nudge or a poke. Some people like to have some control over what kind of impact they have. I prefer people not to feel kicked by me unless I'm deliberately kicking them ;)

 

I may come from a broken home (not that I use the term) but (Red Dwarf Reference) the Inquisitor wouldn't be wiping me!

 

Rosie

[Brigitte]

There is a world of difference between:

 

"I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 10 and it felt like my life broke all around me."

 

And:

 

"I'm not comfortable with dd dating that boy. I mean, he comes from a broken home and his father is a dead beat."

 

 

 

I think this point is very important. I think that asking people to not judge others based on the marital status of the person's parents is quite legitimate. My parents are divorced. It was not pretty and I have a certain amount of baggage that goes with that. My dh comes from an intact family, but with a totally "disfunctional" father. His baggage is far greater than mine. Neither of us is a person to avoid because of either upbringing.

 

That being said, however, I find tell others not to use the term "broken home" in any context to be a bit over reaching and over sensitive (perhaps).

[Joanne]

Amen. I *did* come from a broken home and it was just that, broken. I don't appreciate anyone telling me I cannot call what was broken exactly that. The OP doesn't have to use the term, but don't tell me I can't use it. I *know* the pain that my parents' divorce caused me and we are lying to ourselves if we say divorce is always the best choice and that the children don't pay a price. Sometimes it is the right course and completely justified and necessary, but sometimes it certainly isn't.

 

*shrug*

 

Who said anything about pain NOT being caused by divorce? Who said divorce is always the best choice? Who said children don't pay a price? I sure didn't.

 

The OP isn't about whether individual divorces are necessary or the best choices.

 

The OP was about using a term to describe homes. In a significant percentage of the usage, "she is from a broken home" is not used to offer a factual "her parents divorced" but it is used to say "her background suggests she'll have problems I want my kids to avoid".

 

Another point is that "from broken home" defines the child through the adults.

 

And, finally, homes are not together OR broken based on whether the parents are married.

 

It's an inaccurate, damaging, emotionally and judgment laden term.

[Haiku]

you may wish to consider that while you may be evaluating/commenting on an adult situation, as an adult (who is in a healthy, functional relationship) it is quite possible that those comments are coming through a child/adolescent filter .

 

 

Well, yeah. I'm not sure what you're getting at. I was a kid when my parents divorced. It sucked. I'm almost 40 now. It still sucks. I'm not commenting on my parents' experience, just mine. From my understanding, my parents had to get divorced because they were just too miserable to stay together any longer. They did, however, postpone the divorce for at least five years because they were trying to stay together for the kids. I appreciate that, and I don't think that anything I said passed judgment on my parents or other people who got divorced, just that staying together for the kids doesn't necessarily have to mean you are setting a negative example for the kids. I never learned, "Stay in loveless marriage because it's better than being alone" from my parents. What my parents told me, explicitly, is that they stayed together for us because they believed it was best for us and wanted to be with us full-time.

 

(And I know you addressed this to the "general you.")

 

Tara

[Sahamamama]

It felt broken to me and it still feels broken to me 35 years later. The brokeness just keeps going....

 

I think when parents divorce, it is very appropriate for the kids to describe their experience any way that feels authentic to them. "Broken" is a good way to describe the way it feels to me.

 

Many Millennials describe themselves as "broken" and as being from "broken homes." Do a search on these groups and their lyrics, if you want to know what the teens and young adults think about their lives. Until you expunge the actual brokenness of these kids' lives -- is that possible? -- I don't see how you can expunge their own expression of it.

 

Pink -- "Family Portrait"

 

Blink-182 -- "Stay Together"

 

Good Charlotte -- "Thank You Mom"

 

Good Charlotte -- "Little Things"

 

Good Charlotte -- "My Old Man" (from the album entitled "The Young and the Hopeless")

 

Good Charlotte -- "Emotionless" (also from "Young & Hopeless")

 

Everclear -- "Father of Mine"

 

Everclear -- "Wonderful"

 

Nickelback -- "Too Bad"

 

Papa Roach -- "Broken Home"

 

Many of the generation that lived through the highest marital breakdown rate ever recorded in America refer to themselves and their lives as "broken." Can we really expunge this?

[Laurie4b]

I think this point is very important. I think that asking people to not judge others based on the marital status of the person's parents is quite legitimate. ....

 

That being said, however, I find tell others not to use the term "broken home" in any context to be a bit over reaching and over sensitive (perhaps).

 

:iagree: I had not read the other threads and don't really want to go read them to find out what was said, but the original post wasn't really clear about the intent of the ban for using the term broken home.

 

I totally agree people shouldn't be prejudging people based on their parents' decisions; otoh, I vehemently disagree that people should be made to feel guilty about using the term "broken home" if that term fits their experience.

[PineFarmMom]

 

It's an inaccurate, damaging, emotionally and judgment laden term.

 

Honestly? Your op was pretty judgmental as well...you made a blanket statement about people who protect their children. It was quite inaccurate as well. I know many, many people who guard their children carefully whose children have close friends from divorce, single parent, remarriage, etc. etc. My son's best friend is from such an atmosphere, and I guard my son pretty firmly.

 

We all have hurts. We all have words, terms, cliche statements that sting us. Some people I know choose to rise above them and shake off the words that hurt and some people choose to bathe in them daily. The first choice is wisdom; the second is a choice to be emotionally fragile continually!!

[Sophia]

We all have hurts. We all have words, terms, cliche statements that sting us. Some people I know choose to rise above them and shake off the words that hurt and some people choose to bathe in them daily. The first choice is wisdom; the second is a choice to be emotionally fragile continually!!

 

Very well said!!

I'm from a broken home.

It is an accurate description from whence I came. It does not describe me nor my current life.

That anyone would be concerned that this term is damaging or judgemental of me somehow is preposterous (to me.)

[Joanne]

Many Millennials describe themselves as "broken" and as being from "broken homes." Do a search on these groups and their lyrics, if you want to know what the teens and young adults think about their lives. Until you expunge the actual brokenness of these kids' lives -- is that possible? -- I don't see how you can expunge their own expression of it.

 

Pink -- "Family Portrait"

 

Blink-182 -- "Stay Together"

 

Good Charlotte -- "Thank You Mom"

 

Good Charlotte -- "Little Things"

 

Good Charlotte -- "My Old Man" (from the album entitled "The Young and the Hopeless")

 

Good Charlotte -- "Emotionless" (also from "Young & Hopeless")

 

Everclear -- "Father of Mine"

 

Everclear -- "Wonderful"

 

Nickelback -- "Too Bad"

 

Papa Roach -- "Broken Home"

 

Many of the generation that lived through the highest marital breakdown rate ever recorded in America refer to themselves and their lives as "broken." Can we really expunge this?

 

They are describing their own experience. And I imagine Blue October needs to be in that list. That guy has issues. Again, I did not suggest or imply that pain isn't associated with dysfunction or family.

 

In any case, they are describing their own pain and experience. The OP was talking about adults making assumptions about children from divorced homes, and the way "broken home" is typically used with a great deal of assumption, judgment and disdain.

[Joanne]

Honestly? Your op was pretty judgmental as well...you made a blanket statement about people who protect their children. It was quite inaccurate as well. I know many, many people who guard their children carefully whose children have close friends from divorce, single parent, remarriage, etc. etc. My son's best friend is from such an atmosphere, and I guard my son pretty firmly.

We all have hurts. We all have words, terms, cliche statements that sting us. Some people I know choose to rise above them and shake off the words that hurt and some people choose to bathe in them daily. The first choice is wisdom; the second is a choice to be emotionally fragile continually!!

 

But (the bold) is not the context it is used. It is used frequently on this board and similar settings to suggest and imply that a child from parents who divorced are to be avoided inherently.

 

Bathe in them daily? Emotionally fragile? :lol: Because I disagree with the use of a term and posted about it where I've seen the term used? Really? :001_huh:

[Ibbygirl]

I personally don't even hear people actually use the words "broken home". Everyone just says that their parents are divorced. I've never actually heard a kid say "I come from a broken home". I don't think I've ever heard adults use those terms to talk about children from divorced parents either. My mom has been divorced twice and remains single to this day. I grew up with her and my step father. I never knew my real dad. I can't remember anyone saying I was from a "broken home" when I was growing up, but I do remember some neighbors calling me "a latch key kid" whatever the heck that means. :confused:

[Wheres Toto]

I personally don't even hear people actually use the words "broken home". Everyone just says that their parents are divorced. I've never actually heard a kid say "I come from a broken home". I don't think I've ever heard adults use those terms to talk about children from divorced parents either. My mom has been divorced twice and remains single to this day. I grew up with her and my step father. I never knew my real dad. I can't remember anyone saying I was from a "broken home" when I was growing up, but I do remember some neighbors calling me "a latch key kid" whatever the heck that means. :confused:

 

A latchkey kid is one who comes home to an empty house so has their own key to get in.

 

I agree I've never used or heard the term "broken home" unless it was being used in a derogatory sense to talk about someone who should be watched closely and not completely trusted.

 

My parents are both on their third marriages, I am on my second. My parents divorced when I was about 2 and when I was in school that was a pretty uncommon situation. Having a mother with a different last name than mine was VERY unusual at that time. I did get judged due to the situation. I am hopeful that this judgement is less common since the situation is so much more common. I know among my oldest's friends it is more likely for them to have divorced parents than ones still married. I was actually surprised at how common half siblings and step siblings are.

[Ibbygirl]

A latchkey kid is one who comes home to an empty house so has their own key to get in.

 

 

Thanks for the definition. :) Yeah both of my parents worked so we basically fended for ourselves until they came home at 6pm. :) I don't think there is much judgement anymore against kids with divorced parents, but I live in a pretty liberal town and a lot of people here are having kids without ever getting married in the first place and everybody is divorced. There are so few actual families that I can think of that have both "original" parents. Most are blended families.

[PineFarmMom]

Bathe in them daily? Emotionally fragile? :lol: Because I disagree with the use of a term and posted about it where I've seen the term used? Really? :001_huh:

 

Those phrases were not targetted at you. I was making a statement about the choices people make to blow off the words that hurt, that it is a wise way to handle it. If they strike too close to home, it may be something you need to look at and deal with??

I agree with someone else: trying to change a phrase, world-wide, like "broken home" seems pretty extreme.

Edited December 26, 2010 by Texas T

[stripe]

I can't remember anyone saying I was from a "broken home" when I was growing up

I can. It was how my teachers described me in elementary school. It can't have been much of a secret as I knew about it. I must say, I haven't heard it much since, except on these boards!

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable for someone ELSE to define their home as a "broken home," but I didn't appreciate someone else making the judgment that my home was "broken." I also think it's potentially unwise to assume a kid in a home with married parents is totally happy. It seems smarter to be more sensitive to the experiences and feelings of the individual than speaking in broad generalities.

 

I don't think divorce is the worst thing on earth, although I'm certainly not an enthusiastic fan, but I have to say, I don't like the assumptions on the board about what sorts of people come from broken homes. Reminds me of "Anne of Green Gables," actually.

[Ibbygirl]

I can. It was how my teachers described me in elementary school. It can't have been much of a secret as I knew about it. I must say, I haven't heard it much since, except on these boards!

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable for someone ELSE to define their home as a "broken home," but I didn't appreciate someone else making the judgment that my home was "broken." I also think it's potentially unwise to assume a kid in a home with married parents is totally happy. It seems smarter to be more sensitive to the experiences and feelings of the individual than speaking in broad generalities.

 

I don't think divorce is the worst thing on earth, although I'm certainly not an enthusiastic fan, but I have to say, I don't like the assumptions on the board about what sorts of people come from broken homes. Reminds me of "Anne of Green Gables," actually.

 

I can see why that would be hard. I mean a teacher of all people. I'm sorry that you had that pain. I guess I was just lucky then because I can't honestly say I've ever heard anyone actually say that in actual conversation.

[Nicole M]

It's curious and sad to me that kind, often Christian posters here feel exempt from offering grace, charity and compassion when Joanne posts something from her heart. I have seen it happen again and again.

 

My experience is similar to what others have said, that I have only heard the term "broken home" in reference to those who should be avoided. I would not use the term "freak nutjob Christian homeschooler" to describe certain families that, in all honesty, I do avoid. I don't avoid all Christian homeschoolers because I know a few that are highly dysfunctional. I try very hard not to label, and Joanne is pointing out that "broken home" is most often used in a derogatory, labeling kind of way. Yes, it does describe a reality for some, but it is a loaded term that we would be wise to think carefully about applying to situations that we don't know much about.

 

I would be dead if my parents had not divorced. My step-mother saved my life. Bless her for putting up with my father, bless her for trying her best to help us children heal.

[Tullia]

Please know that I mean this to come across gently because I've read many of your previous posts. However, as the middle-aged child of parents who divorced before it became as common or as acceptable as it seems to be today, I think that no matter how you look at the issue the word "broken" does fit the reality experienced by many people. And, to be brutally honest, spouses/significant others (and by extension the family of in-laws) suffer at least some consequences. No amount of verbal softening, avoidance, or re-naming can change that reality--fallout from divorce can be managed and adjustments made--it can even be turned to a strength--but the reality is still there.

 

I'm not condoning rejecting a potential in-law solely on the basis of their having come from a broken home, but on the other hand it is not realistic to pretend that there are not going to be some issues--issues which families who have not had to deal with divorce might not be eager to embrace.

 

ETA: I agree that self-defining a broken home is far different than other people sticking a label on you. Been there lived through that one too.

Edited December 26, 2010 by Martha in NM

[Nicole M]

I can. It was how my teachers described me in elementary school. It can't have been much of a secret as I knew about it. I must say, I haven't heard it much since, except on these boards!

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable for someone ELSE to define their home as a "broken home," but I didn't appreciate someone else making the judgment that my home was "broken." I also think it's potentially unwise to assume a kid in a home with married parents is totally happy. It seems smarter to be more sensitive to the experiences and feelings of the individual than speaking in broad generalities.

 

I don't think divorce is the worst thing on earth, although I'm certainly not an enthusiastic fan, but I have to say, I don't like the assumptions on the board about what sorts of people come from broken homes. Reminds me of "Anne of Green Gables," actually.

 

We must have been typing at about the same time. This is what I meant. Thank you for saying it better than I did.

[Joanne]

Please know that I mean this to come across gently because I've read many of your previous posts. However, as the middle-aged child of parents who divorced before it became as common or as acceptable as it seems to be today, I think that no matter how you look at the issue the word "broken" does fit the reality experienced by many people. And, to be brutally honest, spouses/significant others (and by extension the family of in-laws) suffer at least some consequences. No amount of verbal softening, avoidance, or re-naming can change that reality--fallout from divorce can be managed and adjustments made--it can even be turned to a strength--but the reality is still there.

 

I'm not condoning rejecting a potential in-law solely on the basis of their having come from a broken home, but on the other hand it is not realistic to pretend that there are not going to be some issues--issues which families who have not had to deal with divorce might not be eager to embrace.

 

ETA: I agree that self-defining a broken home is far different than other people sticking a label on you. Been there lived through that one too.

 

Martha, nowhere did I suggest that divorce (or, for that matter, bad marriages) are without issues in terms of the children involved.

 

I will, however, offer the counter-reality that whether a child is from a home where the parents divorced or not offers no real inherent information about that child on which to make decisions.

[Sahamamama]

So many people have this experience, it's really hard to imagine that people from divorced families are discriminated against because of that experience.

 

:iagree:It is hard to imagine, but I do think this happens quite often.

 

As an adult, I was single (never-married) for a long time (until I was 37 years old). You would not believe what people say to the never-married woman. Things like, "Well, you know, now that you're in your thirties, there's really nothing left for you except fags, losers, and divorcees." :glare: I feel the love.

 

There is a discriminatory undertone to "broken home," I agree with Joanne on that. What I don't understand is how it would actually be possible to "expunge" this phrase from the vocabulary of those who consider themselves to be from broken homes -- when the children of the divorced use the term.

 

NO OFFENSE HERE... but this comes to mind from my pre-motherhood days... When I was a social worker, many of my clients were African-American. I would NEVER refer to any person on the planet as "nigger." I mean, the term to me is just appalling (for me to say that to a black person, when I am soooooooooooooooooo white).

 

But my clients called themselves and each other this all. the. time.

 

So, to me, it seems as though you can be offended all you like, you can even realize that the phrase might hurt someone else and decide not to ever use it, but don't be surprised when the person you thought you were protecting turns around and calls HIMSELF the phrase you refuse to use.

 

It's still worth refraining, though, especially if you are an "outsider."

[Joanne]

It's curious and sad to me that kind, often Christian posters here feel exempt from offering grace, charity and compassion when Joanne posts something from her heart. I have seen it happen again and again.

 

My experience is similar to what others have said, that I have only heard the term "broken home" in reference to those who should be avoided. I would not use the term "freak nutjob Christian homeschooler" to describe certain families that, in all honesty, I do avoid. I don't avoid all Christian homeschoolers because I know a few that are highly dysfunctional. I try very hard not to label, and Joanne is pointing out that "broken home" is most often used in a derogatory, labeling kind of way. Yes, it does describe a reality for some, but it is a loaded term that we would be wise to think carefully about applying to situations that we don't know much about.

 

.

 

Thank you.

 

I can. It was how my teachers described me in elementary school. It can't have been much of a secret as I knew about it. I must say, I haven't heard it much since, except on these boards!

 

I think it's perfectly acceptable for someone ELSE to define their home as a "broken home," but I didn't appreciate someone else making the judgment that my home was "broken." I also think it's potentially unwise to assume a kid in a home with married parents is totally happy. It seems smarter to be more sensitive to the experiences and feelings of the individual than speaking in broad generalities.

 

I don't think divorce is the worst thing on earth, although I'm certainly not an enthusiastic fan, but I have to say, I don't like the assumptions on the board about what sorts of people come from broken homes. Reminds me of "Anne of Green Gables," actually.

 

Exactly. That you for getting my point.

[Nicole M]

 

I'm not condoning rejecting a potential in-law solely on the basis of their having come from a broken home, but on the other hand it is not realistic to pretend that there are not going to be some issues--issues which families who have not had to deal with divorce might not be eager to embrace.

 

This is an interesting point, and I hear you. But. I work on a college campus, and I have to tell you that more and more young people who appear to be highly functional (i.e., intelligent, from homes that are at least financially stable enough to get them and keep them at a very expensive private school), are increasingly suffering from real and serious mental and personality disorders. When it comes time, I would look at far more than whether a potential mate is from a divorced home when I think about who may or may not make a good choice for my child.

 

I realize it's not my decision, but I have raised my boys to be aware that there are many factors that a person should be aware of when considering a mate. (I loved the dad, Mom's in the Garden's dh, whose name I am forgetting, who described once why he knew MITG was *the one*, and I talked to my boys about that choice, how he thought about it. It was a great talk.)

[Joanne]

There is a discriminatory undertone to "broken home," I agree with Joanne on that. What I don't understand is how it would actually be possible to "expunge" this phrase from the vocabulary of those who consider themselves to be from broken homes -- when the children of the divorced use the term.

 

."

 

Ok, so my OP had some dramatic words and hyperbole. :) I truly am not going to start an organized campaign and I don't expect that I have any power here or elsewhere to expunge the word. I just liked using expunge. :lol:

 

I do think that increased awareness about the assumptions associated with "broken home" is worth looking at.

 

For those kind souls worried about my mental health, I am not losing any sleep over this, not agonizing over it and have not really spent any more time other than my posts in this thread about it. I post in between packing boxes in my kitchen.

 

Why do I have 3 cans of crushed pineapple and what do I do with crushed pineapple?

[Scarlett]

Why?

 

Let me take a wild guess. ;)

 

She's snarky b/c she's hurting: Her kids are away for Christmas, the holidays are hard that way, and so she's sensitive today. .

 

This is true. I know it is hard. I remember how hard it was to send my ds away on vacation with the 'woman' who was half of the two people who broke up my ds's FOO.

 

((((Joanne))))

[Scarlett]

Why do I have 3 cans of crushed pineapple and what do I do with crushed pineapple?

 

Dump cake!!!!

[Ibbygirl]

I just liked using expunge. :lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Why do I have 3 cans of crushed pineapple and what do I do with crushed pineapple?

 

you can make sweet potatoes and put the pineapple on top with some marshmallows. :) It's yummy. :) Or mix it up in yogurt. :)

[Sputterduck]

Huh. It's pretty simple to me. If a family is still together, it is intact. If a family breaks apart, it's broken...

 

My ex broke my family. We could have been an intact family but he chose to break it.

 

Intact doesn't mean happy. It means intact. Broken doesn't mean sad. It means broken. Why are we substituting definitions and taking that as a reason to feel offended? If someone means offense, take offense. If someone is stating a simple fact, take it at face value.

 

Why do people take it as commentary about a person when someone says "broken family". That does not mean "that specific person is broken". Why not take things at face value. People do not make sense to me. You say one thing and they read all sorts of crud into it that a person never meant.

[Sahamamama]

In a significant percentage of the usage, "she is from a broken home" is not used to offer a factual "her parents divorced" but it is used to say "her background suggests she'll have problems I want my kids to avoid."

 

Although sometimes I think people use the term to reference a person's need for empathy. Sometimes -- I admit, not often -- but sometimes, I think it's used like a cue to a broken heart -- as in, "She comes from a broken home, so there's pain there to be aware of." Not necessarily avoid, just be aware of the person's past and present.

 

I guess I say this because so much of my experience with young people was along the lines of actually trying to befriend, mentor, and help them -- not judging or labeling them. And sometimes you just want to summarize the situation. People communicate like this all the time. Many of my friends will themselves say, "I come from a broken home." What they mean is that their parents divorced, and I think they also (usually) mean that it was horrific, painful, messy, and they are still raw. And these friends are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s! And still hurting. It's amazing to me.

[Tullia]

 

I will, however, offer the counter-reality that whether a child is from a home where the parents divorced or not offers no real inherent information about that child on which to make decisions.

 

Sorry, Joanne, but I would disagree with you on that one. Divorce produces consequences which must be dealt with--that's not to say that children from other backgrounds don't have issues; clearly they do. I stand behind what I say based on plenty of life-long experience both personal and professional. Like it or not divorce has negative consequences--but so do other life situations--I'm not denying that. We live in a far from perfect world, but changing names or avoiding terminology doesn't change reality.

 

I think I'm a bit further down the road of life than most who post here, so will stop now and rest on the laurels of my gray hair and bifocals. My best wishes to you; you've handled a tough time of your life with courage and grace--but I believe you're looking at this through a personal lens and coming off a tough experience that is still fresh. Twenty or thirty years on, you may well see things differently.

[Joanne]

Sorry, Joanne, but I would disagree with you on that one. Divorce produces consequences which must be dealt with--that's not to say that children from other backgrounds don't have issues; clearly they do. I stand behind what I say based on plenty of life-long experience both personal and professional. Like it or not divorce has negative consequences--but so do other life situations--I'm not denying that. We live in a far from perfect world, but changing names or avoiding terminology doesn't change reality.

 

I think I'm a bit further down the road of life than most who post here, so will stop now and rest on the laurels of my gray hair and bifocals. My best wishes to you; you've handled a tough time of your life with courage and grace--but I believe you're looking at this through a personal lens and coming off a tough experience that is still fresh. Twenty or thirty years on, you may well see things differently.

 

Again, I am not saying that coming from a home in which there was divorce does not have consequences. I am, however, saying that the assumption that having divorced parents = something to avoid is problematic and hurtful. That IS the context it is used fairly regularly here and other places.

 

Divorced parents (and often the marriage that leads to it) does carry needs for children (especially minor aged ones). I'm a huge advocate of informed, intentional, and child-sensitive divorcing and co-parenting. I'll pontificate on that as well. :lol:

[Sahamamama]

Why do I have 3 cans of crushed pineapple and what do I do with crushed pineapple?

 

Mix together:

 

2 cups sugar

2 cups flour

2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 cup chopped nuts

 

Add in:

 

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 (20 ounce) can crushed pineapple

 

Bake in an ungreased 9 x 13 inch baking dish at 350 degrees (F) for 45 minutes.

 

Cream Cheese Frosting:

 

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese

1/4 cup butter

1 3/4 cups powdered sugar

1/2 cups chopped nuts

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

 

Delicious. Enjoy.

[Janie Grace]

Again, I am not saying that coming from a home in which there was divorce does not have consequences. I am, however, saying that the assumption that having divorced parents = something to avoid is problematic and hurtful. That IS the context it is used fairly regularly here and other places.

 

I agree. My parents divorced when I was 6. We started going to church when I was 8 and I definitely felt that some parents were wary of us. Ironically, it was many of *their* Christian-schooled kids who were sneaking around doing things their parents disapproved of. I was an earnest, honest, straight-and-narrow (public-schooled) kid whose parents' marriage had fallen apart. It wasn't my fault, and I wasn't deviant or rebellious as a result. I read my Bible, told the truth, didn't chase boys and did well in school (yes, I was sort of a goody-goody; my point is that whatever they were afraid of, I don't think I lived up to!). The families who reached out to us were few and far between but I remember their love and acceptance all these years later.

 

I think my dh's parents were even a bit wary of me, being from a "broken home." I was oblivious to it at the time, and only realized it in retrospect. I'm past it enough to say "whatever." I know they love me and by this point, they know I'm good for their son.

 

I HATE the term "broken home" too. I think I hate it b/c it is usually used in a condescending tone... like "poor little things." Let it roll off. We're all broken in different ways.

[Haiku]

broke up my ds's FOO.

 

 

 

What is a FOO?

 

Tara

[Joanne]

What is a FOO?

 

Tara

 

Family of origin.

[jld]

 

Some of us have a weird optimistic streak that leads us to think others like to be educated.

 

Rosie

 

:lol:

[texasmama]

When I grow up, I want to be Rosie.:D

 

The term "broken home" used by someone else to describe my oldest daughter's situation strikes me as judgmental and sad, as if she is a person to be pitied. I don't like it. If someone wants to describe her situation, I would prefer they use the term "divorced parents". That is accurate and carries no judgmental undertones (in my opinion).

 

I would never try to define anyone else's experience as a child of divorce (or really of any other situation about which I am not intimately familiar). Everyone gets to describe their own experience using whatever terminology they feel fits. If you personally came from a situation which you feel was a "broken home", by all means use that term to describe your own situation.

 

Divorce is often bad. It hurts kids. This hurt sometimes lasts a lifetime. No argument here. But the term "broken home" used to describe my daughter's situation bothers me. Just say that her parents are divorced. No one knows how broken or not she (or my ex and I) are.

 

I don't know if I made anything more clear (speaking as a parent who had a child with a man who I am no longer married to but NOT as a child of divorce, as my parents remained married until my mother passed away). My husband is a child of divorced parents, and the consequences were devastating for him. Still, I would not call his home a "broken home" - that is for him to say, not me. That was his experience, not mine.

[elizam]

At least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).

 

Folks, the stats are high. Nearly the majority of children in the US will experience the divorce of their parents. It means nothing accurate or real about that child (and, to be honest, about the divorced parents).

 

Broken home is an awful term laden with a bunch of inaccurate baggage. I'm leading the campaign to expunge the term from current use. I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.

 

My children's own home was more broken during the years of paper marriage to their Dad than it has been since.

 

 

I haven't been on these forums in quite some time. We dont homeschool anymore, I'm not married anymore. I didn't think I'd like it as much here as I used to for those reasons...

 

But I am so glad I "stopped in" because your post hit the nail on the head! I am so glad my home is different now. My family was suffering more when I was with dh. I endured mental abuse too long, and the physical started last year. Horrendous stuff that the average person knows nothing about, and some church people still think he is a great guy and good Christian.

 

Our "broken home" is finally healing--with me as a single parent and hardly any money!

[Nestof3]

 

Why do I have 3 cans of crushed pineapple and what do I do with crushed pineapple?

 

Cottage cheese. Yum. I also have a yummy muffin recipe that uses crushed pineapple if you'd like it.

 

Here's the recipe:

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Pineapple-Sunshine-Muffins/Detail.aspx

Edited December 26, 2010 by nestof3

[clarkacademy]

at least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).

 

Folks, the stats are high. Nearly the majority of children in the us will experience the divorce of their parents. It means nothing accurate or real about that child (and, to be honest, about the divorced parents).

 

Broken home is an awful term laden with a bunch of inaccurate baggage. I'm leading the campaign to expunge the term from current use. I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.

 

My children's own home was more broken during the years of paper marriage to their dad than it has been since.

 

i love you for saying this!!!!!!!

[Stacy in NJ]

There are a million things people judge each other about. And we can't control what others say or how they think. But that doesn't mean we can't speak up and say, "Hey, I find that hurtful or offensive." It may end up being enlightening for someone who never realized that this or that phrase might hurt someone.

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with starting a discussion about how certain words or phrases invoke certain feelings in others. I am not responsible for how every single person takes every single thing I say. But I don't mind hearing how people take my words. Then I can choose whether I wish to change my word choices or not.

 

Yes. But don't you think we could be a wee-bit selective in our commentary about what is "hurtful"?

 

Honestly, to me it's a boy (or Joanne) crying wolf thing.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I come from a broken home. Whether or not the marriage was healthy when parents separate, when they divorce they brake apart a family.

 

I'm sorry that the phrase is uncomfortable for some, but life is full of accurate but unfortunate truths.

 

:iagree: It is always broken. As a child of divorce, it still affects me today, especially around the holidays and birthdays. It breaks my heart to have to split our time between my families. I want us all to be together, but it can't happen. My dad has another family now, and a 13 year old himself. My dds are asking my mom now why grandad (my father) is no longer her prince. How do you explain that to a six and four year old? You shouldn't have to.

 

It is what it is; broken. At best there is peace, but it will never be whole again.

[Kate CA]

*shrug*

It's an inaccurate, damaging, emotionally and judgment laden term.

 

This is entirely your opinion and you are entitled to it, but I am entitled to mine as well. When you post what you did in the OP, what you are saying is that no one else gets to use it because it is offensive to you.

 

I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.

 

Joanne, you don't get to change my mind and I don't understand why you think you need to. I don't like many terms, but you don't see me posting a thread telling people they need to reorder their vocabulary to suit me. Why do you think people respond so strongly to these kinds of threads? You are doing exactly what you have often complained about here in others - telling people how to live.

 

The OP was about using a term to describe homes. In a significant percentage of the usage, "she is from a broken home" is not used to offer a factual "her parents divorced" but it is used to say "her background suggests she'll have problems I want my kids to avoid".

 

I can see why you feel offended by this if someone is telling you that your children are to be avoided because of a divorce, but this isn't at all what I mean when I use the term. I am from a broken home, and what that means to me isn't a judgment call on others' choices--it is the truth. My family was broken up - it is as simple as that.

 

I am sorry though, if you are dealing with people being ugly to you or your children. That just isn't right.

 

JMO

 

If you (general you) are an adult who has not been in a marriage that has been in a place bad enough that divorce was on the table

 

and

 

If you are kvetching about how much divorce hurt you as a child

 

you may

 

wish to consider that while you may be evaluating/commenting on an adult situation, as an adult (who is in a healthy, functional relationship) it is quite possible that those comments are coming through a child/adolescent filter .

 

I'm not saying this is intentional - just that people, all people, filter information through their own experiences - and if that experience happened at 14? Well, the filter is stuck at 14 as well. I think most of us here would agree that a 14 year old (or any child or adolescent) wouldn't process things the same way adults do.

 

I'm probably not making any sense. It is late here.

 

Again, JMO.

 

What it seems to me you are saying is that because this happened to me when I was a child that it stopped my ability to see things from my parents' perspective now. Or perhaps because I have a good marriage that I am incapable of understanding why someone would need to divorce. (Or maybe that isn't what you are saying - I am not very sure!) :001_smile: I don't agree. Of course I didn't understand what and why at the time, but I was only six. It affected everything else that followed in my childhood and played a role in my view of commitment in marriage. I don't dwell on my family past - it is what it is and I have moved on, but I don't think my experience as a child of divorce negates my feelings on the subject (which it sort of seems you are saying).

 

I had to walk with my SIL through a very difficult divorce and I supported her in this because the circumstances warranted a divorce. I have had friends divorce and watched my mom divorce twice and my father now three times. I am pretty familiar with it, honestly, and it stinks for all involved. I know that not all marriages are going to work out, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do everything in our power to prevent them if we can. (At least that is my perspective.) Again, I don't think my ability to process it or have an opinion beyond my six year-old self was inhibited by my experiences. If anything, they have only increased my level of attentiveness to my own marriage. If that is what you were saying, I don't see that at all.

[OnTheBrink]

Kate, I think I love you.

[asta]

It's curious and sad to me that kind, often Christian posters here feel exempt from offering grace, charity and compassion when Joanne posts something from her heart. I have seen it happen again and again.

 

 

I wonder this so often here.

 

And yes, I recognize that I am a cold hearted individual; but I'm also not standing around on a biblical pedestal.

 

 

a

[Kate CA]

I responded to this here:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2286396#poststop

[LG Gone Wild]

@ Kate....I agree. I just couldn't quote everything that I agreed with. I also agree with another poster that "broken home" is more than likely used to serve as warning to be mindful of the pain of those from broken homes, not in some condescending way.