Sticks and stones and all that. Words *do* hurt. (rant about "broken homes")

[Joanne]

At least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).

 

Folks, the stats are high. Nearly the majority of children in the US will experience the divorce of their parents. It means nothing accurate or real about that child (and, to be honest, about the divorced parents).

 

Broken home is an awful term laden with a bunch of inaccurate baggage. I'm leading the campaign to expunge the term from current use. I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.

 

My children's own home was more broken during the years of paper marriage to their Dad than it has been since.

[Nakia]

:iagree:

 

My home growing up was much LESS broken when my parents divorced and my mother remarried my wonderful step-father. I hate the phrase "broken home."

[MariannNOVA]

At least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).

 

Folks, the stats are high. Nearly the majority of children in the US will experience the divorce of their parents. It means nothing accurate or real about that child (and, to be honest, about the divorced parents).

 

Broken home is an awful term laden with a bunch of inaccurate baggage. I'm leading the campaign to expunge the term from current use. I'd prefer to change your minds about it, what it means and who you don't want to use it or frame people using that as a filter.

 

My children's own home was more broken during the years of paper marriage to their Dad than it has been since.

 

:iagree:

 

My home growing up was much LESS broken when my parents divorced and my mother remarried my wonderful step-father. I hate the phrase "broken home."[/QUOTE]

 

 

I could make the same statement as Joanne and be speaking in total truth. And, my daughters could make Nakia's statement, and they would also be speaking in total truth. I also hate the phrase.

[Sophia]

<shrug>

I come from a broken home.

My siblings and I all breathed a huge sigh of relief when the divorce was finalized, for many reasons, and I guarantee you if you were to ask them, they would also concur that our home was broken.

 

It has nothing to do with the fabulous lives we have been able to build up once we escaped the insanity.

It has everything to do with the fact that two people tried to make a home and instead made a huge mess...that broke.

 

Sad, but true, nevertheless.

[mrbmom77]

:iagree: Thank you for saying this.

 

I also hate it when people imply children from single-parent homes are automatically a bad influence on their little angels. :glare:

[Liza Q]

At least 2 current threads on this board use the term "broken home" in relation to children at risk for something (usually hurting your own precious sheltered child).

 

 

 

While I have no problem avoiding the term if it is hurtful....why so snarky??? I think your request would be a lot stronger without this sort of comment.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: My oldest daughter is from my first marriage, so I share your pain at those words. When I hear the term "broken home", it always feels judgmental and pitiful, even if it isn't meant that way by the person stating it. My daughter isn't broken. She is just fine, thankyouverymuch.

[Haiku]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

Tara

[In the Rain]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

 

:iagree: I agree with all this, especially the bolded part.

[Truscifi]

I come from a 'broken home'. I don't remember what my parents were like together, I was 2 when they divorced, but based on how they got along when I was old enough to remember, it would have been much more broken if they had stayed together.

[Brigitte]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

Tara

 

:iagree: The break up of my parents was not a good thing for us kids.

[Plucky]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

Tara

 

:iagree:

 

Especially us kids from multiple divorced families.

[Nestof3]

I prefer to let the child decide if his or her life was broken. I think broken homes can mean all sorts of things. I think children can be raised in a broken state with the parents together and with the parents separate.

 

But, I prefer to let my step-son tell me how being from a divorced family affects him. I prefer to let him be open about how it felt to have his mom leave his dad and how it felt to go between families.

 

I experienced my own dysfunctional, intact family, and I can speak about that. I will never presume to be able to speak about the things my step-son experienced because I didn't experience them. I also think what we experience as the person married to a person is different than what a child experiences. They are two different things.

 

So, as I said, I will let my step-son speak for himself. It did affect him. I think children from divorced families need the freedom to express how that affected them without the parents mixing in the feelings they had regarding the spouse and without fear of hurting the parents.

 

I hope I'm making sense.

[pdalley]

I came from a 'broken home'. It couldn't be described as anything but. Two broken people trying to put a home together - it broke - it broke badly. The phrase doesn't bother me a bit. To me - it's accurate. What else am I supposed to call it? :confused:

 

For what it's worth - I'm glad they got divorced before one of them killed the other. Seriously. Logically I knew that but the child in me wished I had two unbroken parents who were still together.

 

I was raised by a single Mom who did the best she could but she would tell you that my kids are much better off in their home with both of their parents. I have it a lot easier than she did because I have another adult to help me. That's not always possible and I realize that. It does not enter my mind when my kids find friends if they have both parents at home or two. I do not automatically decide that a child would be a bad influence because the home only has one parent.

Edited December 25, 2010 by pdalley

[Joanne]

I experienced my own dysfunctional, intact family, and I can speak about that. I will never presume to be able to speak about the things my step-son experienced because I didn't experience them. I also think what we experience as the person married to a person is different than what a child experiences. They are two different things.

 

So, as I said, I will let my step-son speak for himself. It did affect him. I think children from divorced families need the freedom to express how that affected them without the parents mixing in the feelings they had regarding the spouse and without fear of hurting the parents.

 

I hope I'm making sense.

 

I'm not suggesting that we strip children of divorce of their feelings, experience and reality. Divorce often bites for the children. (So does staying in a bad marriage).

 

I'm suggesting that using the term "broken family" is damaging, comes with inaccurated generalized assumptions and isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

[elizabeth]

I never heard the word before becoming a member of this board.

[Nestof3]

I agree with you. I hope no one suggest that our eldest cannot have a loving marriage and be a loving father simply because his parents divorced.

 

I'm just saying I try not to speak for people's experiences growing up -- I let them do that. Avoiding the term "broken" is just one example.

 

I know someone from a very "intact" home who went the wrong direction in almost everything imaginable. I try to let the individual and his/her choices guide my perception of the person.

 

I'm not suggesting that we strip children of divorce of their feelings, experience and reality. Divorce often bites for the children. (So does staying in a bad marriage).

 

I'm suggesting that using the term "broken family" is damaging, comes with inaccurated generalized assumptions and isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

[Jilly]

I also hate it when people imply children from single-parent homes are automatically a bad influence on their little angels. :glare:

 

:iagree:

[Lovedtodeath]

My husband and I were very close to divorce, even a scriptural one. He read some books about how divorce affects children and we worked on it. So I would say that it was helpful in making meaningful decisions. We have an extremely happy family life now, nauseatingly so LOL. We are the newlyweds at 16 years. We are together because he chose to keep our family together for our daughter.

 

I do, however, agree that some homes are broken without divorce...

 

 

isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

Edited December 25, 2010 by Lovedtodeath

[Laurie4b]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

Tara

:iagree: especially with the bolded part.

 

It felt broken to me and it still feels broken to me 35 years later. The brokeness just keeps going. I pretty much lost a sister. Because I was an adult when my df remarried and my sister lived there, she bonded with her step-brothers. My other sister and I are not in that circle. We were very close growing up, so that really sucks. There is much more that I won't detail here. I think when parents divorce, it is very appropriate for the kids to describe their experience any way that feels authentic to them. "Broken" is a good way to describe the way it feels to me. . Some divorces are necessary; some are not. My parent who initiated the divorce now regrets it and sees that with some longer-term thinking, it would have been a better choice to stay. In our family, part of the pain of the divorce for the parent who initiated it is seeing the "forever" effects on the kids. I won't go into more detail but it still affects me. The holidays are always a reminder.

[OnTheBrink]

I come from a "broken home." My mother did a fabulous job of shattering it. My kids come from a "broken home." My EX broke our marriage, broke our family and broke our home. I see nothing "hurtful" about the term unless someone wants to attach all sorts of negative emotional baggage to it then wear it. It happens to be the truth.

 

Frankly, I've seen far more hurtful terms and phrases used on this board in negative contexts than the term "broken home." I shrug it off. I see no real reason to attempt to dictate to someone else what they can or can not say because I might choose to allow it to hurt my feelings.

[pqr]

I come from a "broken home." My mother did a fabulous job of shattering it. My kids come from a "broken home." My EX broke our marriage, broke our family and broke our home. I see nothing "hurtful" about the term unless someone wants to attach all sorts of negative emotional baggage to it then wear it. It happens to be the truth.

 

Frankly, I've seen far more hurtful terms and phrases used on this board in negative contexts than the term "broken home." I shrug it off. I see no real reason to attempt to dictate to someone else what they can or can not say because I might choose to allow it to hurt my feelings.

 

Very nicely put.

[simka2]

I'm from a broken home with a wonderful mother. My dh is from an intect home with emotional issues.

 

When we went thru a trauma...dh had to have about 3 times the counseling to undo the damage his "unbroken" home had done.

 

It was very eye opening for me as a pw.

[StephanieZ]

While I have no problem avoiding the term if it is hurtful....why so snarky??? I think your request would be a lot stronger without this sort of comment.

 

Why?

 

Let me take a wild guess. ;)

 

She's snarky b/c she's hurting: Her kids are away for Christmas, the holidays are hard that way, and so she's sensitive today.

 

FWIW, I agree, 'broken home' is a loaded term. It applies much better to homes in which dysfunction and/or abuse reign -- and those things occur often in "intact" homes. . .

 

My parents divorced; it sucked. I am grateful that dh & I are solid & we only have kids with eachother as this simplifies our lives in many ways & is obviously something of an ideal. I wouldn't want to repeat the divorce that traumatized my childhood. BUT, I also know there are many worse fates than having divorced parents. I was well cared for by two loving parents, even though they didn't stay married. I'd take that any day over many of the "intact" families I've witnessed. . .

[Hannah C.]

What frustrates me the most is not so much the use of the term "broken home" (though I agree with pps about the term itself: easily inaccurate and possibly damaging). What really bugs me is the assumption made by some people that because X's parents are divorced, or have had marital difficulties, X is automatically a less suitable marriage partner and should perhaps even be avoided. :glare:

[Stacy in NJ]

<shrug>

I come from a broken home.

My siblings and I all breathed a huge sigh of relief when the divorce was finalized, for many reasons, and I guarantee you if you were to ask them, they would also concur that our home was broken.

 

It has nothing to do with the fabulous lives we have been able to build up once we escaped the insanity.

It has everything to do with the fact that two people tried to make a home and instead made a huge mess...that broke.

 

Sad, but true, nevertheless.

 

I come from a broken home. Whether or not the marriage was healthy when parents separate, when they divorce they brake apart a family.

 

I'm sorry that the phrase is uncomfortable for some, but life is full of accurate but unfortunate truths.

[Stacy in NJ]

I'm suggesting that using the term "broken family" is damaging, comes with inaccurated generalized assumptions and isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

 

 

What does this even mean? I'm sorry, Joanne. I'm trying to respect your opinion but this sounds to me like psycho-babble.

[cindergretta]

There is a world of difference between:

 

"I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 10 and it felt like my life broke all around me."

 

And:

 

"I'm not comfortable with dd dating that boy. I mean, he comes from a broken home and his father is a dead beat."

 

Fwiw, my parents are still miserably together. They are in a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship that has abusive overtones. :-/

 

That said, I married the boy from the broken home with the dead beat dad. And he is amazing - both as a husband and as a father.

 

And he will be the first to tell you he came from a "broken home." But he would also not be thrilled to be labeled as "the product of a broken home."

 

There is such a difference. :(

[Stacy in NJ]

judge others about. This is just another one. So what? The bottom line is some folks don't want others to judge their families as "broken" because they've experienced divorce. Unfortunately, in the world of worlds, we don't get to control how others percieve us and our experiences. Just because we don't like the judgement doesn't mean we get to require others to stop issuing/believing it.

 

 

There is a world of difference between:

 

"I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 10 and it felt like my life broke all around me."

 

And:

 

"I'm not comfortable with dd dating that boy. I mean, he comes from a broken home and his father is a dead beat."

 

Fwiw, my parents are still miserably together. They are in a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship that has abusive overtones. :-/

 

That said, I married the boy from the broken home with the dead beat dad. And he is amazing - both as a husband and as a father.

 

And he will be the first to tell you he came from a "broken home." But he would also not be thrilled to be labeled as "the product of a broken home."

 

There is such a difference. :(

[cindergretta]

There are a million things people judge each other about. And we can't control what others say or how they think. But that doesn't mean we can't speak up and say, "Hey, I find that hurtful or offensive." It may end up being enlightening for someone who never realized that this or that phrase might hurt someone.

 

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with starting a discussion about how certain words or phrases invoke certain feelings in others. I am not responsible for how every single person takes every single thing I say. But I don't mind hearing how people take my words. Then I can choose whether I wish to change my word choices or not.

[babysparkler]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

(Disclaimer: I recognize that there are all sorts of configurations of families, including single-parent ones, and I am not casting aspersions at any specific family. But I do believe that statistics bear out the fact that kids from divorced homes do less well in general in certain respects than kids from two-parent families.)

 

Tara

 

:iagree: I agree with all this, especially the bolded part.

 

So do I.

[Peela]

I'm not suggesting that we strip children of divorce of their feelings, experience and reality. Divorce often bites for the children. (So does staying in a bad marriage).

 

I'm suggesting that using the term "broken family" is damaging, comes with inaccurated generalized assumptions and isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

 

Thanks for speaking your heart, Joanne.

I come from divorced parents and I was 13 and didnt see it coming when my dad left, and it shattered me- so to me I guess I could say it was a broken home in the sense that it broke me in a way that took a long time to heal from, and definitely shaped my life.

But I completely understand that the term should not be used to describe every child of divorced parents as if every child will be broken and shattered. They aren't, and that's the truth. Many survive the whole thing fairly psychologically intact, many are better off (which doesnt mean they arent damaged anyway).

Broken home is what I would use to describe a kid who is in trouble already- acting out in adolescence, into crime or something that sends alarm bells...and it is a way of getting some context for where they have come from in their family system (parents separated, dad in jail, mother on drugs or whatever). So it can be useful.

But to use it as a judgement against most children of divorced parents is to make a generalisation that carries a heavy load behind it that isnt appropriate in this day and age.

I was partly so traumatised by my parents divorce because it was not something I had any knowledge of- I knew what "divorce" meant but I knew no one back in suburbia in 1980 that was divorced. No one in my family or circle, none of my friends' parents. None. So I felt a huge amount of shame. Nowadays, at least that is not there...dh and I separated for 18 months and it was ok. The kids werent traumatised. There was no shame. It definitely wasnt a "broken family". It wasnt ideal but we all benefitted from it in the long run.

[asta]

I come from a 'broken home'. I don't remember what my parents were like together, I was 2 when they divorced, but based on how they got along when I was old enough to remember, it would have been much more broken if they had stayed together.

 

I've said those exact words.

 

 

a

[asta]

The break up of my parents was not a good thing for us kids.

 

Of course not. But it isn't about the kids. It is about the adults.

 

There are 4 children in my family. The first two have led miserable lives and had miserable marriages. They blamed it on my parents divorcing (and still do). In fact, they blame most things on having a "broken home".

 

The other one, and myself, have led good lives and had good marriages. We don't see that my parent's divorce had anything to do with us (because it didn't). We don't see ourselves as coming from a "broken home". We see ourselves as having come from a "home" that had two parents who had loved each other, but who had, for myriad reasons, come to a point where the relationship was toxic to both of them. We actually see it as a good example for not staying in a relationship that has become emotionally harmful just because it is "expected" or out of some notion that the mere presence of the other person will magically make the children involved more stable adults.

 

Children are very perceptive. They know when things aren't right, and when adults are simply "playing nice". What kind of message about healthy relationships can "staying together for the sake of the children" possibly send? Stay in a loveless marriage. Stay in an abusive marriage. Stay with an adulterer. Stay with a substance abuser. Stay with all of the above. NEVER BE ALONE AT ANY COST

 

Yeah, real healthy message to send a kid.

 

My sister's kids are a soup sandwich. And not because they're from "broken homes"; because their moms stayed so **** long with their husbands.

 

 

a

[Peela]

What kind of message about healthy relationships can "staying together for the sake of the children" possibly send? Stay in a loveless marriage. Stay in an abusive marriage. Stay with an adulterer. Stay with a substance abuser. Stay with all of the above. NEVER BE ALONE AT ANY COST

 

Yeah, real healthy message to send a kid.

 

 

 

a

 

Yes, excellent point. :iagree:

[Quad Shot Academy]

I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

Tara

 

I never heard the word before becoming a member of this board.

 

While I have no problem avoiding the term if it is hurtful....why so snarky??? I think your request would be a lot stronger without this sort of comment.

 

:iagree: with all the above. FWIW, I have never heard of people avoiding children of divorce either.

 

ETA: I know many families that have been through divorce. Most are remarried now. I have never heard anyone talk about them or their children negatively. The only comments I have ever heard are ones of sympathy for the custody, child support and co-parenting issues. Everyone I know realizes divorce could easily happen to them. If 50% of marriages end in divorce, I have a difficult time believing that there are so many families out there discriminating against children of divorce!

 

What would be a less offensive term for you?

Edited December 25, 2010 by Quad Shot Academy

[Lovedtodeath]

 

FWIW, I have never heard of people avoiding children of divorce either.

I hadn't either and when I posted earlier I didn't know that was what this was about. :grouphug:

[LidiyaDawn]

Why don't we (general) just let the people who come from/live within/etc those environments decide for themselves what language they prefer to use?

 

My parents are divorced and the term "broken home" doesn't bother me.

[nd293]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

 

 

 

This is my experience too. Only I'd go so far as to replace "happy parents" with "respectful committed parents". My father wasn't so horrible it was best for us that he was out of the picture, rather he was selfish and immature. He should have grown up, not left... And yes, as a child of divorced parents, I feel the word "broken" accurately describes what happened to the family unit.

 

Nikki

[Mimm]

My parents didn't divorce till I was out of the house, but "broken" definitely described my family for many years before that. I understand how hurtful it is to stereotype families in certain ways, such as assuming that a kid who has divorced parents must be some kind of negative influence. Divorce is traumatic. Not usually just because of the divorce itself but all the horribleness that led up to it and all the horribleness that follows it. I guess I feel like the word broken adequately expresses that.

[Laura Corin]

Thank you, Joanne. My parents divorced. My two brothers and I are honest, productive members of society. Two out of the three of us have long and stable marriages with happy children. The third is divorced - at his wife's instigation - but supported his son as well as he could. We've all had issues to deal with, but these have never harmed others or led the 'unbroken' astray.

 

Laura

[2squared]

I have never used the term "broken home" in real life conversation. The only time I've seen or heard it used was as a way to classify children of divorced parents, and the classification is generally in a "less than" vein. That's why the term is an issue. When I refer to a family, I try to use more accurate language - divorced family, disfunctional family, outdoorsy family, large family, Catholic family, etc.

[Farrar]

I agree that it's a judgmental phrase and one I wouldn't use. It definitely grates on me when I see it here. It may represent some families that go through a divorce, but not others. My parents divorced and while I can't say it was something that made me happy when I was a kid, I see that it was needed for them to be happy. Most importantly, while they were sometimes angry with each other, they did an amazing job of not using my brother and I as bargaining chips in some war against each other. They never tried to make us get between them. And once they divorced, they went their separate ways pretty amicably. Now, when an occasion calls for it - a wedding, a graduation, or, most recently, happening to be in town at the same time visiting my family - they enjoy each other's company and consider each other and their spouses as part of their extended family. I don't call that broken at all.

[Tammyla]

I don't use the term, but nor do I find it offensive.

[Mejane]

Although I've never used the term, to me it has always meant a couple or a family broke up, not that they themselves were broken (as in needing to be fixed.) I think some do use it to make value judgements of people, and I agree that that's wrong.

[Haiku]

Children are very perceptive. They know when things aren't right, and when adults are simply "playing nice". What kind of message about healthy relationships can "staying together for the sake of the children" possibly send? Stay in a loveless marriage. Stay in an abusive marriage. Stay with an adulterer. Stay with a substance abuser. Stay with all of the above. NEVER BE ALONE AT ANY COST

 

 

That's one way to interpret it. Others would be, "We value our family enough to continue to try to work things out even though things are not good now." Or, "WE chose to build a family and have kids together, and we owe it to our kids to give them a two-parent home." Or, "We can still parent our kids and have a happy family even if we are not meeting every need our partner has (or having every need met by our partner)." Or, "We recognize that we aren't happy together but until our kids leave home, we're going to stay together to spare them the pain of divorce." My parents stayed together for the children for a while. Although at the time I wished they would divorce, and was happy when they finally did, that happiness was extremely short-lived. I soon realized that having divorced parents sucked @$$ (just my experience) and that what I had thought was bad when they were together was nothing compared to them being apart. I am nearing 40 and I still have difficulty dealing with having to allocate time to different parents at the holidays, or when I lived far away and came home to visit. I still have guilt about one or the other parent being alone when I am with the other. It really does just suck. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like to have to go back and forth between two homes when I was little. Thankfully I was in my teens when my parents split.

 

I KNOW that people who get divorced don't do so because they don't care about their kids or the effect a divorce could have on them. But staying together for the kids could actually send a very positive message to the kids. Looking back, I appreciate that my parents put aside their own issues and kept our home together, for the kids, for as long as they possibly could.

 

Tara

[Kate CA]

I prefer to let the child decide if his or her life was broken. I think broken homes can mean all sorts of things. I think children can be raised in a broken state with the parents together and with the parents separate.

 

But, I prefer to let my step-son tell me how being from a divorced family affects him. I prefer to let him be open about how it felt to have his mom leave his dad and how it felt to go between families.

 

 

Amen. I *did* come from a broken home and it was just that, broken. I don't appreciate anyone telling me I cannot call what was broken exactly that. The OP doesn't have to use the term, but don't tell me I can't use it. I *know* the pain that my parents' divorce caused me and we are lying to ourselves if we say divorce is always the best choice and that the children don't pay a price. Sometimes it is the right course and completely justified and necessary, but sometimes it certainly isn't.

[Audrey]

I'm not suggesting that we strip children of divorce of their feelings, experience and reality. Divorce often bites for the children. (So does staying in a bad marriage).

 

I'm suggesting that using the term "broken family" is damaging, comes with inaccurated generalized assumptions and isn't helpful in making meaningful decisions.

 

I understand how the term is hurtful to some. I never thought of that before, but in all honesty Joanne, I don't know of any other way to refer to such a circumstance. Most people I've know who come from divorced families (is that okay to say?) use the phrase "broken home" themselves. I have absolutely zero experience with divorce as none in my family, nor my dh's family have experienced any divorces. It is out of my realm of experience, so if I'm saying "broken home" I sincerely do not mean it as an insult or a judgement in any way. I'm simply using the term that the people who have come from these situations have used themselves.

 

I do not wish to be hurtful, though, so please tell me what would be an acceptable way to reference this? Educate me. :bigear:

[Scarlett]

I come from a "broken home." I believe that it's best for kids to have two parents living together who are raising them. I don't mean that any specific child wouldn't do better if an awful parent were gone, but to me, best-case scenario is two happy parents parenting together. I'm sure that the term "broken home" is painful for a single parent, but to me, as a child of divorced parents, it's an accurate depiction of how I felt about my family falling apart.

Tara

 

I am a child of divorce and now my own son is too.

 

His FOO home IS broken. It is a fact. I was single for a year and it didn't bother me a bit when that term was used. I had not choice in the matter...my son's father forced my hand.

 

I would never judge a child unworthy of contact with my son based upon his living situation.

[LG Gone Wild]

I come from a broken home. Whether or not the marriage was healthy when parents separate, when they divorce they brake apart a family.

 

I'm sorry that the phrase is uncomfortable for some, but life is full of accurate but unfortunate truths.

 

:iagree:

 

Broken home here too and it sure felt like it. Oh well. It's not offensive and it hurts because it's true.

 

So many people have this experience, it's really hard to imagine that people from divorced families are discriminated against because of that experience.