Need help getting baby to sleep, I have created my own monster!

[PentecostalMom]

Dd turned one last Friday. I have been nursing since day one, she refuses both a bottle & pacfier. I do not have a problem with that, especially at this age. However, she gets up all through the night, some nights more than others, and wants to nurse. I know she isn't nursing for nutrition, she is using ME as a pacifier. I nursed my last dd until she was 2 1/2, and don't want to wean unless there is no other way to get her to sleep through the night, or sleep through more of the night. I am exhausted, and we are TTC because I am 39 and we want to go ahead and have another. I don't want to shortchange this dd, but I cannot fathom being exhausted, pregnant, and possibly tandem nursing.

 

Any ideas? Other than the cry-it-out method? I don't have a problem letting her cry some, and am willing to be exhausted for a couple of weeks while I work on this. Please help! Most of it will fall on my shoulders. Dh rises and goes to work early, and is working long days right now. He will be able to let me rest/nap when he gets home at a reasonable hour if I need/want. She shares a room with her sister, but I can move either of them if needed. My ds's room is empty and older dd could sleep in ds's bed temporarily so we would not have to move the crib.

 

Any advice/suggestions are welcome. Thanks HIVE!

[Annie]

I've heard a lot of people recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution book. I don't have a personal review since it's still sitting on my dresser for me to read, but I know it's been popular. Good luck figuring out what works for your little one.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

Let me say that there's nothing wrong with your dd using you as a pacifier. It's how God meant for it to be. :) And yes, there is still nutrional benefit for her.

 

Have you tried *not* picking her up when she wakes? Because I can't think of anything else that would work. She might not cry all that much.

 

Do you not co-sleep with her?

[justamouse]

ohh this is the time of nursing I hated most.

 

co sleep. It's the only thing that works if you want to keep going. They normally sleep through any nocturnal activities or you could get a soft rug for the side of your bed. Maybe shove a few mattresses together?

[RamonaQ]

I've heard a lot of people recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution book. I don't have a personal review since it's still sitting on my dresser for me to read, but I know it's been popular. Good luck figuring out what works for your little one.

 

:iagree:. I used this ages ago on my dd. It helped me clarify what would work for OUR family. In our case, I decided I needed to night wean, but continued to nurse her until she was 2 1/2 during the day. So dh would always go to dd when she woke, and calm her. It was not a fast, "sleeping through the night" trick (or as fast as how I read cry it out works), but within a few months we had her sleeping through the night.

 

Good luck!!!

[NanceXToo]

I feel for you. I really do!

 

I basically co-slept (as it was the only way to get a halfway decent night's rest) with my son and nursed him back to sleep the MANY times he woke at night until he was like 15 months old.

 

He'd wake up anywhere from 5-15 times a night (with 7-10 probably being average), start to make a fuss, and I'd nurse him, and he'd doze back off, usually with me still in his mouth for a quite a while while he slept.

 

And that's how it went every night, all night, until he was 15 months old.

 

So my sleep was constantly interrupted, I was getting sick to death of having a toddler hanging onto my breast all night long, and finally, I was too exhausted and I couldn't take it anymore. So I started the weaning process- beginning with cutting out all nighttime feedings.

 

I stopped letting him in the bed with me, and for that time period, I put a portacrib in my bedroom. I nursed him to sleep when I wanted him to go to bed "for the night" (as if!) and then put him in the crib.

 

When he woke up, I would not take him in my bed, and I would not nurse him.

 

I don't believe in CIO, as in I never just left him crying alone without going to him, but I was determined to night-wean him, and there were definitely some tears those first few nights of no-nighttime-nursing. Every time he woke up, I'd just get up and pat and rub his back and soothe him and shush him and rock the crib a bit til he fell back asleep.

 

Eventually, he would fall back asleep. And if I remember right, every night this would happen less often- he'd get up 5-7 times a night, then 3-5 times a night, then 1-3 times a night, then 1-2 times a night- which was pretty much where things ended up. He'd keep waking once or twice a night but instead of expecting to nurse he'd just want to know someone was there, and he'd go back to sleep.

 

Within a few nights, he didn't seem to be expecting to nurse at night anymore and was definitely waking less often though.

 

After about a month and a half of this, I decided to cut out almost all daytime nursing sessions, too, as I was ready to continue moving along with the weaning process. I decided I would nurse him when he first woke up in the morning (as in, it had to be daylight outside, no 4 or 5 AM nonsense lol), and I would nurse him right before he went to bed at night, and that would be it.

 

And eventually I cut out the morning one and just distracted him by bringing him right downstairs to start his day, and lastly, when he was 19 months old, the very last night-time nursing session went. That one was the hardest and there were some hard nights again trying to get him to go to sleep without it, but without just leaving him to CIO either.

 

It wasn't all easy but we got through it!

[amy g.]

I'm in the same situation, except not the TTC part.

 

My 11 month old does sleep with us, but she latches on and off ALL night long. I am desperate for a full night sleep.

[PentecostalMom]

I am trying to respond to all of this without getting frustrated. Please bear with me. For those that suggested Dr. Sears - got 'em, read 'em, love 'em.

 

We are co-sleepers. I had my older dd in the bed with us which was fine. She actually actively nursed and slept. With her, I had bought a brand new crib which was rarely used. With this dd, I bought an Arms Reach co-sleeper which was used a lot. She also slept in her crib some, and slept in our bed. She outgrew the co-sleeper (it was a mini version) and we do let her in our bed a lot. However, she tends to wake up and crawl all over us (especially the Daddy) and wants to play. If she was sleeping, it would work better.

 

If I take her into my ds's room and sleep with her, then she will sleep some, but not much. She wants to sleep with me in her mouth, and not actively nursing, which quickly becomes very uncomfortable. Using me as a pacifier HURTS after awhile. It makes my n*pples really tender because she is barely latching on, that is why I say there is no nutritional benefit. If she is getting anything it is extremely minimal. I am no breastfeeding novice, this is my 3rd, and I advocate and practice extended breastfeeding.

 

I know she is still a baby and that it is normal for her to want to sleep with us. If she would actually SLEEP, I would not be asking for help.

 

As for not picking her up, well then she would scream and wake up her sister, us, the neighbors, etc. She wakes up, sometimes crying and sometimes not, then goes to the end of the crib that is closest to the door and stands there waiting on me to come. I have a video monitor, so I can see & hear everything.

 

I had forgotten about Elizabeth Pantley's books, thanks!! I think I read some when we were in Germany with the older dd, but dh was in Iraq, so it didn't matter when and where I slept. I could nap with ease becase ds was a teen by then.

 

I would love to enlist dh's help, and he would, but he has to work. His job is in full-swing mode right now. The only time we will have off is for vacation in December when we are going to the mountains. I don't think that is a good time to work on this.

 

Thanks for the advice and help ladies. Please know that I ardently love this baby and want to do what is best for her. Having a fully functional mama is a great thing. To clarify another point, our TTC has nothing to do with this. I am not trying to wean her. I mentioned the TTC so that you know I have a variety of reasons for needing to be rested, not because I am selfish. :001_smile:

 

Hopefully I am not offending anyone of appearing to discount your advice. your wisdom is appreciated.

[Impish]

I don't see how being rested ever = selfish. Our bodies are designed to need rest, its as simple as that.

 

I have no advice. Princess didn't sleep through the night until she was in a crib in another room. She's like her Dad, and talks in her sleep. Ack!

 

Hopefully something happens to turn the tide and give you the rest you both need and deserve :grouphug:

[mykdsmomy]

Let me preface this by saying I am not a "baby schedule" type of person. However, in this situation, I would maybe try a modified nighttime schedule. What if you started by introducing a special binky (pacifier) during the day. I know you said she doesn't care for them but what if you put some breast milk on it just to get her to try it?

Keep introducing it for a few days and see if she takes to it during the day, then if it clicks, you can add it in at night.

 

You could do the same with a bottle if you could pump? My thinking is once she's used to the bottle, you can then slowly transition her out of your bed.

 

I feel your frustration. :grouphug:

[annlaura]

Perhaps night weaning, not complete weaning, would work for her. And you. :grouphug: I haven't ever done it, but I know it has been a solution for some. A bedtime nurse and wake-up nurse if you both like, but none in between. It would mean some very long nights at first, but if you think you're up for it, it might work. Good luck.

[twoxcell]

No advice;). Just wanted to say my ds turns 1 today, and I do not think he has ever slept longer than 3 hrs in his life. He is by far my worse sleeper. His first 2 months he was up until 1-2 am every night, and I ended up sleeping with him on the coach. Now he is in a crib in our bedroom, and spends a few hours in it every night before I just end up taking him to my bed. My dh has to be up around 4 am, so I can't have him screaming all night, and the only other room in the house is occupied by three kids.

[5wolfcubs]

You mentioned crib & co-sleeping...but I think she is in a crib now, right? My 11mo dd has always been in a crib (separate room), nursed exclusively, and gave up pacifier on her own months ago.

 

The last few weeks have been rough. Lots of waking to nurse! I nurse her and lay her back down. If she cries and starts to stand up, I nurse her again. And again and again. Or sometimes, if I'd been nursing her, I'd just hold her (either in the chair or walking). Sometimes I get very, very little sleep.

 

However, 3 nights ago I decided I couldn't do the hourly and/or hour-long nursing sessions in the night anymore. She was going to have to cry some.

I planned to nurse her every time she woke up (no change) but after I nursed her she would be laid down for extending periods of time...10-15-20-25 min. I must have gotten this idea somewhere (or maybe even used it on previous children, don't remember!). This is how it has gone.

 

Night 1:

8:30pm Nursed to sleep for night

10pm Woke/nursed/slept

12am Woke/nursed/slept

2:30am Woke/nursed/left to cry for 10 min...nursed/left to cry for 15 min...nursed/left to cry for 20 min but fell asleep before that and we both slept until 6am!

 

Night 2:

Almost identical to Night 1

 

Night 3 (last night):

12am Woke/nursed/slept

3am Woke/nursed/slept

6am Woke up for the day!

 

I do not know what tonight will bring. But I am hopeful.

 

You're not alone (obviously!) but I couldn't come up with a no-cry plan.

[Ravin]

You can night-wean without weaning entirely.

[ChristusG]

Honestly, this is one reason that we've always co-slept. I've been through two babies and have never been awake all night (nor even more than just 30 minutes probably), never had trouble getting baby to sleep, etc. It works for us....no tired mommy!

[Matryoshka]

I nursed my last dd till she was almost 2 - at that point she was nursing only at night, and pretty much just for comfort. I was ready to sleep!

 

Shortly after she turned 1, I started going out at night every week or two, and dh would put her to bed - with me there she'd nurse, but with dh she knew she didn't have the option. So, I knew she could initially go to sleep without me.

 

I couldn't imagine I could get her to sleep through the night with me being there (and we did co-sleep, and just plopping her in another bed wouldn't have worked either).

 

Here's the crazy plan I came up with. Every night for a week, I pretended to leave. I drove the car out of the driveway to the other side of the house. Dh put her back to bed, and I snuck back in. I slept in the trundle bed for a week, and made a big deal of coming back in the morning. She still slept with dh (although we always put her to bed in a crib; we'd bring her in when she woke up the first time).

 

She did fine - the first couple of mornings she wanted to nurse and I let her, but after that she was fine. It was a crazy idea but it worked and there were no big fights or tears or trauma. It seemed much less cruel than "it's here but you can't have it".

[littlebug42]

Honestly, this is one reason that we've always co-slept. I've been through two babies and have never been awake all night (nor even more than just 30 minutes probably), never had trouble getting baby to sleep, etc. It works for us....no tired mommy!

 

Unfortunately, this doesn't always work out like this either. My best friend has co-slept from the beginning and now her son is 12 months old and she hasn't had decent sleep in a year. If she gets three hours, it is a major accomplishment for her. We never coslept and I never had those problems. Different things work best for different families though.

 

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given but I will send :grouphug:. I will continue to read though to see if I can come up with any new ideas to try to help my friend. I am concerned about her health if something doesn't given for her soon.

[Cera]

We went through this with both kids and what worked was having dh get up with them and offer a sippy cup (no bottle) of water. It was hard on him since he had to work but it only took a week or so. When we just wanted to reduce the waking up at night I wrote down every time the child woke to find a pattern then set times before which I wouldn't nurse. Then I moved the times back by 10 min every other day until I got to ones that worked for me. An example: she wakes at 2 and 4 to nurse. Only nurse after 2:10 and 4:10, then 2:20 and 4:20, etc. After a couple of weeks you will have moved it to 4 and 6 which effectively eliminates the 2am nursing.

[Matryoshka]

We went through this with both kids and what worked was having dh get up with them and offer a sippy cup (no bottle) of water. It was hard on him since he had to work but it only took a week or so. When we just wanted to reduce the waking up at night I wrote down every time the child woke to find a pattern then set times before which I wouldn't nurse. Then I moved the times back by 10 min every other day until I got to ones that worked for me. An example: she wakes at 2 and 4 to nurse. Only nurse after 2:10 and 4:10, then 2:20 and 4:20, etc. After a couple of weeks you will have moved it to 4 and 6 which effectively eliminates the 2am nursing.

 

I'd forgotten - that's how I weaned one of my twins (all my kids have given up day nursing before night, so night-weaning is weaning). I would give her a sippy cup with water in it, she'd take a sip and go right back to sleep. I think I cheated the first two nights and used milk (usually a no-no because of the sugar), but then it was just water. After about a week she didn't even ask for that.

 

This would not have worked for dd3 who I talked about in the earlier post, and had to hide from... but it did work for her sister!

[StephanieZ]

My oldest did that!! UGH!!

 

We cured her by having dh do all the night-time waking/soothings for a few days. We moved her to her own room and into a twin mattress on the floor (after a false start with the crib, no way would that work for this attachment baby!!) . .. so dh could just lay with her (for his sanity as much as her comfort). He'd offer a cup of juice or milk or water, but she really wasn't HUNGRY, she just wanted to suckle. . . So, she rarely took much to drink, and soon gave up waking altogether since it wasn't resulting in a breast! (Obviously, no lights, no books, no playing at night. . . just soothing, snuggling, offering a sippy cup, and waiting to go back to sleep) She never had to cry it out, and always had daddy there to soothe her.

 

No mommy/no breast. . .

 

It took just 3 or so nights for the worst of it to end, and within a week she slept peacefully through the night (12 hrs!). I never night nursed her again, but continued to happily day nurse for another year or so. Dh was in vet school and working at the time, so sleeping maybe 4-6 hrs a night at most. . . We did the big transition over Christmas break when he had a couple weeks at home. Really, it was only bad for the first 2-3 nights. She was in a twin bed, so he could lay down with her. After 2-3 nights, she would wake once or twice, get a snuggle, get her request for momma denied, and konk back out. A few nights later, it was all over.

 

With my subsequent children, I didn't night nurse after 6-8 months or so, lesson learned!

 

HTH

[WistfulRidge]

My DS is practically the same way. Our solution was (and is) to put him down for the night in the crib and then if he wakes up in the middle of the night we wait a few minutes. Now that he's figured out how to soothe himself back to sleep (at 17 months) he is usually back asleep within a minute or two. If he's still crying after a couple of minutes though I go get him and he gets to come back to our bed and co-sleep the rest of the night. We started doing this (after straight co-sleeping) when he was about 8.5/9 months old. Slowly, but steadily, the length of time between the initial "go to sleep" and the first (or only) "wake up" has increased. He started sleeping through the night (7:30pm to 7 am) only about a month ago, and still doesn't sleep through the night all the way some nights, usually in response to some stress (sickness - DS, DH, or I -, teething, disruption of his schedule etc) he still wants that comfort of being in bed with us. We're fine with that. When he was little I tried the traditional "stick him in his crib" thing and that just didn't work. He needs the warmth and touch of his parents - we are his comfort objects. Co-sleeping was a life saver!

[Haiku]

The only thing that worked for us when dd was in that stage was to have dh go into her room and lie down with her in the recliner. They both went back to sleep, and so could I. It did, however, result in night-weaning.

 

Tara

[melissel]

I used this method with my first, who was the same exact kind of nurser you describe. There were so many nights where I'd wake in the morning locked in the same side-lying position and with DD still latched on from some middle-of-the-night nursing session, practically sleeping on her back! She was, and still is, incredibly attached to me. I nursed her until she was almost three. I credit co-sleeping and side-lying nursing with saving my sanity that first year, because she woke so often. That said...I was really, REALLY ready for night nursing to end!!!

 

When she was about 14 months old, I spent a week focusing on what it meant to say "night-night!" to things, and greeting them again cheerfully in the morning. She was very comfortable with sippy cups, so I tucked one with water in the corner of her (side-carred) crib. When I was ready, I explained that tonight we were going to say "night-night" to nursing, and we nursed one last time at bedtime, and said night-night. When she woke in the night, I handed her her sippy cup and reminded her that "cheche" was sleeping, but she would have it again in the morning. And we went on from there according to the Gordon method.

 

It worked really well for us--sooooo much better that I expected it to, given what a dedicated nurser she was. I'm not sure it would work so well with an 11-month-old, but it might. If I were you, I'd wait until she was at least a little older and had a little more comprehension, but if you're really desperate, you could give it a shot. The only problem I had was that she got sick not long after and needed help getting to and staying asleep, so I went back to night nursing. When I re-weaned her afterward, it was a bit harder. Then we traveled and ended up night nursing again, and when I re-weaned her again after that, she was much more annoyed with me--I think she finally realized this whole night-weaning thing was optional :lol:

 

DD2 was way more independent AND sucked her thumb, so I didn't have to deal with it again, but this is what worked for us with my dedicated nursing addict :D

 

ETA: Oh gosh, I just realized this thread is already a few days old. Hopefully you've made a little progress already!

Edited November 14, 2010 by melissel

[PentecostalMom]

I used this method with my first, who was the same exact kind of nurser you describe.

ETA: Oh gosh, I just realized this thread is already a few days old. Hopefully you've made a little progress already!

 

Thanks for the info! I have actually been sick for about three days so dh has been dealing with her quite a bit more than normal. She lets him put her back down the first time she awakens, but after that, no way!

 

She is actually a year old now. Thanks for the article, I think we may try that one later. We have decided to deal with it, as is, for now. With the holidays coming, family will be in and out, and we are taking a vacation to the mountains in December. This would mot definitely not be the best time to try to change her life. We will revisit the issue in January, she will be 14 months old then. In the meantime, I am going to try to deter her a bit with no trauma.

 

She has never been away from me at bedtime, until last month. I went out with our local hs group for mom's night out. Dh said it was a little rough, but he got her to sleep. Staying asleep was another story! I will be going out again this month, this Tuesday actually. Dh will get another try, lol. I know he loves her and if she cries while going to sleep it will be alright. He plans to offer her a bottle of milk, just as he did last time. She only takes it for mere moments then cries again. She wants the comfort of me. I understand that, having been through it before.

 

Thanks for the advice and the understanding. I am not planning to wean anytime soon, regardless. I will nurse at least two years unless there is some extenuating circumstance which does not allow me to continue. Being tired does not qualify! :tongue_smilie:

[Starr]

Hang in there! I agree, wait until after the travel and the holidays and then see what you're up for. You'll be missing her snuggles soon enough. :grouphug:

[PentecostalMom]

You'll be missing her snuggles soon enough. :grouphug:

 

I wholeheartedly agree! TYVM! :)

[mo2]

 

Let me say that there's nothing wrong with your dd using you as a pacifier. It's how God meant for it to be. :) And yes, there is still nutrional benefit for her.

 

 

:iagree: I don't mind being a pacifier. Better it be me than a piece of plastic. The nurses at my doctor's office sure had a problem with it, though! :glare:

[fairytalemama]

I found The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg to be hugely helpful. Maybe they have it at your library?

 

Ultimately, I did end up using the "cry it out" method for one night because nothing else worked with my dd. She did sleep through the night after that.

Luckily, my ds slept through the night out of the box...phew.

[ktgrok]

Can Dad do night time duty for a few nights? If he is the one to go to her then she won't expect milk, and maybe will stop nursing so much.

 

Alternatively, is it a teething problem? That could be waking her up, and some tylenol might keep her asleep.

 

Other thoughts are that she is waking up because she is cold in the winter weather?

 

Does she nurse enough during the day? Sometimes they get so busy toddling that they forget to nurse, and then make up for it at night. If that is the situation then encouraging more nursing during the day would help.

 

otherwise, rather than let her cry it out alone, go to her and 'doula" her to sleep, as my friend says. In other words, you can't make her sleep, anymore than a doula can have the baby for you. But you can encourage her and be there with her as she goes through the process. So go to her, rock her, walk with her in the sling, etc, but don't nurse.....this will take a while but does eventually work without the trama of being left alone to cry.

 

Or, just give up and cosleep :)

 

Katie

[ecj98]

We went through this with all 3 kids. What worked for us was a sippy cup/straw cup of water. We would leave it in the crib and for a few weeks would go in and help them find it. Eventually, if they woke up thirsty, they'd find it, drink, and go back to sleep without us.