s/o emotional abuse

[Sara R]

I can agree that there is such a thing as emotional abuse, and it seemed like the earlier thread gave an example of it. But someone linked to this web page that described emotional abuse, from a teenage perspective.

 

Further down on that page it gave some examples of emotional abuse:

 

16 year old David goes into his room and locks the door behind him. He locks the door because his mother and father have been walking in on him and his girlfriend without knocking. The father tries to come in and finds the door is locked. He is furious. He bangs on the door. David opens it. His father accuses him of locking the door so he can have sex. As punishment, he takes the door off the hinges and removes it completely. He says, "This is my house and I won't have anyone locking the doors on me!"

 

Later that month, with the door to his bedroom still removed, David and his girlfriend are up late watching TV. His parents go to bed. David and his girlfriend wait till they think it is safe and then sneak downstairs to the basement, take off all their clothes and start making love. Suddenly the father comes in and turns on the lights.

 

Again, David needed privacy and his father denied it, while even worse, he humiliated and shamed him.

 

 

When Becca was 12 she went to her father and said "I feel like crying...." She wanted and needed to be comforted. She needed reassurance and wanted to know she would be accepted by her father, even when she not happy and smiling. Her father said uncaringly, "Well go cry then."

 

When she needed comfort, acceptance and reassurance, she got rejection.

 

 

Carolyn did not feel understood or accepted by her mother, so she spent a lot of time on the Internet writing poetry in her online journal and chatting with her friends who had similar problems with their parents. Her mother decided Carolyn was spending too much time on the Internet, so she had it cancelled completely.

 

When Carolyn most needed emotional support and a safe outlet for her feelings and thoughts, she was denied it by the person society has entrusted and empowered with filling her basic emotional needs.

 

What do you think? Emotional abuse or spoiled teenage whining?

[SailorMom]

Whining about good parenting.... well - maybe not the "go ahead and cry" one.

[Renee in NC]

I can agree that there is such a thing as emotional abuse, and it seemed like the earlier thread gave an example of it. But someone linked to this web page that described emotional abuse, from a teenage perspective.

 

Further down on that page it gave some examples of emotional abuse.

 

What do you think? Emotional abuse or spoiled teenage whining?

 

Absolutely teenage whining.

 

The emotional abuse I mentioned on the other thread is more along the lines of the parent inviting the child to go to a football game with him and a younger sibling. Then, at the game, he ignored him totally - talking only to the younger sibling and pretending that the older child wasn't even there. This was in retaliation for a confrontation a week or so earlier.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Ugh.

 

Really?

 

Pa-tu-ey.

 

Gag.

 

:ack2:

[Wheres Toto]

The middle one is the only one I would consider emotional abuse - depending on what the rest of the relationship was like. I remember always being told growing up not to cry, I'll give you something to cry about, or being accused of being manipulative if I cried. To this day I cannot cry in front of other people, not even dh (which used to upset him because he wants me to trust him with my true feelings - he understands now).

 

When my oldest was younger I explained to her that sometimes you just feel like crying for no reason, and there's nothing wrong with that. Although I did sometimes send her to cry in her room if she was throwing a fit over not getting her way on something. :tongue_smilie:

 

A 16 year old wanting privacy to have sex is interupted? That's parenting not emotional abuse.

 

The last one is borderline. If that was the only release she had, it was very important to her and her mother turned it off on a whim? Not great parenting but it would depend on what "too much time" on the internet actually entailed.

[Julie in Austin]

Let me get this straight--if you don't make it easy for your teen to have sex in your home, you are emotionally abusing them? :001_rolleyes:

 

Emotional abuse can be very real and devastating. These examples trivialize it.

[silliness7]

I pick Psycho-Babble Crap...was that an option? ;)

 

"the person society has entrusted and empowered with filling her basic emotional needs."

I pulled this quote from the OP. WHAT THE HECK? Since when has my role as mother been granted me by society? :blink: I obviously don't agree with the foundational presuppositions this writer is starting from. (not the OP, just that article. :001_smile:) So I guess it's not surprising that our conclusions won't align.

[Mejane]

Insensitive or heavy-handed, maybe. Abusive, no.

[Laurie4b]

I pick Psycho-Babble Crap...was that an option? ;)

 

.

 

:iagree: I'll vote in your poll

[pqr]

I pick Psycho-Babble Crap.

 

thats putting it nicely.

 

With the possible exception of example 2 there is nothing wrong with the other parental actions and in the case of example 1 the father was rather easy going if anything.

[Mandy in TN]

What do you think? Emotional abuse or spoiled teenage whining?

teenage whining

1. what the heck!?!

2. If she was whining and crying because she wanted $400 shoes for prom, then the dad's response was fine. If her puppy was just hit by a car, then the dad's response was verbally abusive.

3. No, not abuse. It's her house her internet. She should discuss this with her mom instead of online. Maybe this will build their relationship.

 

I pick Psycho-Babble Crap...was that an option? ;)

:iagree:

 

thats putting it nicely.

 

With the possible exception of example 2 there is nothing wrong with the other parental actions and in the case of example 1 the father was rather easy going if anything.

:iagree:What in the world! Why was she allowed to stay in the house after the parents went to bed and why was she allowed in his room period?

 

Mandy

[Garga]

Insensitive or heavy-handed,

 

That's what I was going to say! I wouldn't handle any of those situations the way described.

 

These responses on the parent's part might not tip over into actual abuse, but they're certainly hurtful. Their responses would create a huge wedge between parent and child.

 

#1: instead of yelling and banging on the door and removing the door from the hinges, how about a conversation? How about education on why not to have sex as a teen, etc.? And then creating boundaries of what room the gfriend can go in (instead of removing doors.)

 

#2: why not a hug around the shoulders and asking "what's up?" It's pretty mean to say, "Well then cry!" If someone talked to me that way after I'd shown that I was feeling vulnerable, I'd pretty much hate them.

 

#3: Again--what a rotten relationship. But since they're already distant, you can see why the mom just canceled the internet. She has no clue what's happening in her child's life. No wonder the kid was online trying to reach out to someone, since her mom didn't have a clue.

 

 

I do NOT think those things are teenage whining. I think those are very insensitive and hurtful responses, but I don't think you can call it abuse. Certainly thoughtless. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with parents like that and would move away the first chance I'd get.

[Joanne]

That's what I was going to say! I wouldn't handle any of those situations the way described.

 

These responses on the parent's part might not tip over into actual abuse, but they're certainly hurtful. Their responses would create a huge wedge between parent and child.

 

#1: instead of yelling and banging on the door and removing the door from the hinges, how about a conversation? How about education on why not to have sex as a teen, etc.? And then creating boundaries of what room the gfriend can go in (instead of removing doors.)

 

.

 

 

Why not a policy of "no closed doors" and/or no unsupervised alone time in my home? :confused: I'm totally not "conservative" and I found that scenario outrageous.

 

Emotional *abuse* is real. These scenarios trivialize them. Please don't let their inclusion on an "emotiona abuse site" take away from the realities of the abuse dynamic.

[LaissezFaire]

Whining for SURE. I lived emotional abuse through my childhood and it was nothing like that. I don't say that so people will pity me at all. Just to say that from experience, that is NOT emotional abuse.

[IsabelC]

I think whether something is abusive depends totally on the context, the state of the relationship, and how the parent goes about enforcing her/his decisions.

 

The 16yo youth's father is within his rights to set a rule of no sex in his house. But did he actually discuss/explain this first? Did he make himself available and/or supply appropriate resources and guidance right from back when his son first started getting interested in girls and wanted to date? If so, then I would not call his actions abusive. But if removing the bedroom door and prowling around the house to catch them in the act was his first method of dealing with this issue, then I would say that is inappropriate and disrespectful, although not downright abusive.

 

The 12yo who felt like crying. Why was she upset? Was she honestly expressing her needs? If so, I would certainly hope that my husband would respond with a bit of love and empathy. But on the other hand, she might be fond of drama, and be in the habit of making comments like that every single time she doesn't get her own way on some little thing. Maybe that was the 30th time she'd said that on that particular day!

 

In the third example, it doesn't state the age of the child, but particularly if it were an older child, I don't think it was necessarily a good approach to summarily cut off internet access. However, we don't know, this may have been a last resort after months of discussion, reasoning, negotiation and the child has simply not responded to anything else.

 

On the whole, if I had to make a judgment, I would say that the examples aren't abuse. There were probably several kinder and more respectful ways the parent could have chosen to respond, but ultimately, parents are not morally obligated to provide internet access or private venues for sex, and if teens can't accept this, they may get upset.

Edited September 23, 2010 by Hotdrink

[Peela]

I would say these stories are biased toward the teenager- as in, written from the teenager's perspective.

I would say the parents in those situations coudl have handled those situations a lot more skillfully. I wouldnt call it abuse but I wouldn't call them well handled situations or loving environments, either.

The same situaiton and same outcome could be written differently- perhaps from the parent's perspective...and look a whole lot better.

Its not the situaiton or the outcome- its where they are all coming from. The parent could be heartless and violent....or just firm and clear. The teenager could be whiny and needy and needing to grow a backbone, or open hearted and trusting and let down once again.

Too easy to jump to conclusions and judgements.

[Joyofsixreboot]

This kind of stuff makes people ignore the actual cases of emotional abuse. The kind where someone is told for 18 years they are a worthless piece of *#&@.

1. Parents need to talk and set guidelines first. Why was the girl over in his room or after parents were in bed anyway?

 

2. OK, I've probably told my drama queen dd something like this. Hurtful maybe but unless it's a pattern hardly abuse.

 

3. If mom said cut back on internet and you didn't, well.....

[kiana]

For number two I seriously wonder how many other times she'd said that that day.

 

Seriously, that's the only one that's even close, and even that's situational.

 

But you know, I've seen websites where they claim that it's emotional abuse to make your children do chores or schoolwork. Just because some idiots take things way, way too far doesn't mean they don't exist.

[TXMomof4]

For scenario #2 it also depends on the tone. My dd has said I just want to cry and I tell her "Go ahead and cry then!" It's not abuse, it's an affirmation that sometimes crying is the best thing for the situation. To her it may not seem sympathetic, but if there's nothing you can do to fix the situation, crying for a while and getting over it may be the best option.

[Wish]

According to some people, the last definition means 'emo girl posting on livejournal'.

 

The second one isn't really emotional abuse (it has to be regular and severe - way more severe than 'GO CRY'), just bad parenting. The father's reaction could be explained by stress or depression on the father's part, for example. You can't really tell if it's anything near abuse without a proper context.

 

The first one is silly. I don't get why anyone would go "MY FATHER IS SO ABUSIVE; HE WON'T LET ME HAVE SEX IN HIS HOME!' Especially considering, in this case, the father probably was trusting the son to not be screwing his girlfriend in his basement (since most parents wouldn't let their kids be together if they thought they were going to be having sex).

 

I somehow did that opposite to the order they came in, but anyway, I wouldn't say any of that is severe anything to count as emotional abuse!

[OnTheBrink]

I posted that link. I agree with that site's definitions of abuse:

 

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

 

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

 

I don't think their examples really support their definition.

[BlsdMama]

I'd venture to say that the "go cry then" isn't even necessarily bad parenting.

 

I have several children. If one of them was crying, there would be comfort. But there is a specific child in this home who's reaction to EVERYTHING is a cry of anger or a cry of frustration or a cry of sadness or .... Well, you get the point. Honestly? We pay very little attention to the crying. Why? It doesn't solve problems. If he wants my attention, my sympathy, my condolences, my ear, or any other thing, HE (very specifically HIS crying, not the other children's) had better come up with another way, such as using WORDS. And, he's being taught that. I will flat out say to this very young child, "Either go cry elsewhere or tell me how I can help." Cold? Maybe. But he must develop other ways to communicate.

 

My guess is that "bad" parenting or "good" parenting is very dependent on the goals of the parent/child relationship sometimes.

 

And as to whether or not any of those constitute emotional abuse.... :001_huh:

 

As for the internet, if my daughter felt sorry for herself constantly and her online friends were only widening the gap between herself and me and she was constantly being encouraged in her self pity, yep, I'd cancel the internet. Come to think of it, I'd take the doors off the room too.

 

Wow. Apparently *I* am an emotional abuser. :P Shocking how well adjusted the children are. :lurk5:

[Mandy in TN]

"She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

 

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone."

 

Anyone who has been to group meetings with abused women knows the devastating truth of this bolded section. When I left xh, I went to the YWCA women's shelter and attended group therapy. It was horrifying. At that point I was way past fear and way into angry. The attitude of most of the ladies in group therapy made me even angrier.

Mandy

[Wish]

Wow. Apparently *I* am an emotional abuser. :P Shocking how well adjusted the children are. :lurk5:

All of those examples were melodramatic and silly. It's like something written by a teenager who discovered the definition of emotional abuse in the dictionary, then decided "OH HEY I'M ABUSED".

 

All of those things would depend on the context. As one poster said, the crying reaction would be bad parenting if the little girl's dog had been run over, but not if she was crying over something little, like "OMG DADDY I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IIIIIIIT".

 

Part of the problem is that there isn't any context to the quotes to tell if the reaction is overly severe.

 

I know a girl who is probably actually emotionally abused; her father will tell her she's ugly when she's beautiful, and he's told me before that "When I'm done with her, she'll be able to take anything the real world will throw at her!"

 

Attitudes like that are more than a little crazy, and definitely abusive, but in most contexts, the quotes in the original post aren't really abusive in any way, shape, or form.

 

It's like it's saying "IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT EVERYTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, YOU'RE BEING ABUSIVE" - including negative behaviors.

 

"His father had ashamed him in front of his girlfriend." (Paraphrased, since I'm not looking at the thread right now - I've got a full 'reply to thread' window opened).

 

There are a lot of problems with that. For example, you can ashame your son or daughter in front of someone they're dating pretty easily, by stopping them doing a negative behavior. "He took away his son's cocaine, and in doing so had ruined the sense of trust the son had in his father. Worst of all, he had ashamed him in front of his girlfriend."

 

It's a bit of a problem when someone defines 'abuse' as 'absolutely anything that can make anyone feel bad'.

[simka2]

That's what I was going to say! I wouldn't handle any of those situations the way described.

 

These responses on the parent's part might not tip over into actual abuse, but they're certainly hurtful. Their responses would create a huge wedge between parent and child.

 

#1: instead of yelling and banging on the door and removing the door from the hinges, how about a conversation? How about education on why not to have sex as a teen, etc.? And then creating boundaries of what room the gfriend can go in (instead of removing doors.)

 

#2: why not a hug around the shoulders and asking "what's up?" It's pretty mean to say, "Well then cry!" If someone talked to me that way after I'd shown that I was feeling vulnerable, I'd pretty much hate them.

 

#3: Again--what a rotten relationship. But since they're already distant, you can see why the mom just canceled the internet. She has no clue what's happening in her child's life. No wonder the kid was online trying to reach out to someone, since her mom didn't have a clue.

 

 

I do NOT think those things are teenage whining. I think those are very insensitive and hurtful responses, but I don't think you can call it abuse. Certainly thoughtless. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with parents like that and would move away the first chance I'd get.

 

:iagree:Especially with the bold part!

 

1. No, but depending on the relationship they already have could be overkill...and I hate true shaming of any kind!

 

2. Is borderline in my opinion.

 

3. If the mom gives no warning and just yanks the internet...then yes! That would incite extreme feelings of insecurity and unpredicatability...sounds like a jealous and emotionally reactive parent to me!

Edited September 23, 2010 by simka2

[ChristusG]

NONE of those are emotional abuse, in my opinion. They are silly and trivialize the real cases of emotional abuse. Those are just teenage drama, even the second one. Men don't read into things. I can totally see a 12 year old girl walking up to her father saying "I need to cry." Dad, being totally clueless and has no idea how to read into her feelings of wanting to be accepted by her father even when she's not happy, looks at her, confused, and says "Go cry then." He's probably wondering why she told him that.

[carolinagirl]

I think all three are poor parenting, but emotional abuse? Not really. I grew up with an emotionally and physically abusive stepmother. Psychological games were her forte.

 

Abuse leaves you frightened. None of the above would do that.

[Mandy in TN]

Abuse leaves you frightened. None of the above would do that.

:iagree:

[Mandy in TN]

I do NOT think those things are teenage whining. I think those are very insensitive and hurtful responses, but I don't think you can call it abuse. Certainly thoughtless. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with parents like that and would move away the first chance I'd get.

 

:iagree:Especially with the bold part!

 

1. No, but depending on the relationship they already have could be overkill...and I hate true shaming of any kind!

 

2. Is borderline in my opinion.

 

3. If the mom gives no warning and just yanks the internet...then yes! That would incite extreme feelings of insecurity and unpredicatability...sounds like a jealous and emotionally reactive parent to me!

1. I must be missing something here. Maybe the lack of discipline was bad, but not the reaction to the situation. I took the door of our game room. After teenage boys cracked the door frame while rough housing, it occurred to me that game rooms don't need doors. I have not taken a bedroom door, but I would if I suspected that illegal or immoral actions were taking place in my home.

 

I wouldn't allow a son's girlfriend to be in his bedroom whether I was awake or not. If I had a basement and went there looking for my son, I would need to turn on the lights to find my way down the stairs. If he had snuck a girl into the basement to have sex, he would obviously be running the risk of having the lights turned on! It doesn’t say what the father did at that point, but you better believe that I would have called the young lady’s parents to see if they knew where she was. Gee, maybe this would cause them embarrassment, but they should have thought of that before they were having sex in my basement.

 

2. My momma always said, “If you’re not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.” Whiny, crybaby crap falls under part of the problem. If you are told that you can’t have $150 tennis shoes or chocolate pudding for dinner and you cry and pitch a fit, you better believe that you will be fed my standard line, “You may not vomit your inappropriate emotions on me or the rest of this family. Leave. When you can get a grip, you may rejoin us.”

 

3. Last spring ds had been told repeatedly that his internet usage was interfering with his studies and his real life relationships. Then, after I took his laptop at night so that he wouldn’t play MMO games all night, I found him in the game room on that computer. When the internet became a daily problem, rather than a tool or an amusement, we cut the internet.

 

Please, don’t move in next door. I don’t abuse my children, but I do expect them to obey and respect me and the rules of our home.

Mandy

Edited September 23, 2010 by Mandy in TN

[simka2]

1. I must be missing something here. Maybe the lack of discipline was bad, but not the reaction to the situation. I took the door of our game room. After teenage boys cracked the door frame while rough housing, it occurred to me that game rooms don't need doors. I have not taken a bedroom door, but I would if I suspected that illegal or immoral actions were taking place in my home.

 

I wouldn't allow a son's girlfriend to be in his bedroom whether I was awake or not. If I had a basement and went there looking for my son, I would need to turn on the lights to find my way down the stairs. If he had snuck a girl into the basement to have sex, he would obviously be running the risk of having the lights turned on! It doesn’t say what the father did at that point, but you better believe that I would have called the young lady’s parents to see if they knew where she was. Gee, maybe this would cause them embarrassment, but they should have thought of that before they were having sex in my basement.

2. My momma always said, “If you’re not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.†Whiny, crybaby crap falls under part of the problem. If you are told that you can’t have $150 tennis shoes or chocolate pudding for dinner and you cry and pitch a fit, you better believe that you will be fed my standard line, “You may not vomit your inappropriate emotions on me or the rest of this family. Leave. When you can get a grip, you may rejoin us.â€

3. Last spring ds had been told repeatedly that his internet usage was interfering with his studies and his real life relationships. Then, after I took his laptop at night so that he wouldn’t play MMO games all night, I found him in the game room on that computer. When the internet became a daily problem, rather than a tool or an amusement, we cut the internet.

 

Please, don’t move in next door. I don’t abuse my children, but I do expect them to obey and respect me and the rules of our home.

Mandy

 

The very reason I added in the addendums I did was because the scenarios were not specific enough. I had a mother who was constantly yanking things like, computers, horses, art work...whenever she felt threatened and without warning.

 

You added in awhole different take and spin that wasn't in the original website. If you interpret it that way, then it isn't as unreasonable. The point is we don't know. I'm not quite sure why you got so upset :confused:

[Saille]

Hotdrink and Garga said what I would have said.

[The Girls' Mom]

 

Abuse leaves you frightened. None of the above would do that.

 

 

Absolutely. I'm going to add to that that you can also be made to feel less than worthless in emotional abuse. It's about fear, manipulation, and abnormal control.

 

The examples from the site are NOT examples of abuse in and of themselves.

[Mandy in TN]

The very reason I added in the addendums I did was because the scenarios were not specific enough. I had a mother who was constantly yanking things like, computers, horses, art work...whenever she felt threatened and without warning.

 

You added in awhole different take and spin that wasn't in the original website. If you interpret it that way, then it isn't as unreasonable. The point is we don't know. I'm not quite sure why you got so upset :confused:

I am not upset. Really, I'm not. As a parent, I try to see things from the parent's perspective. I would never listen to a child say these things and then conclude that the parenting is even inappropriate much less abusive. To conclude based on these examples that a parent is practicing bad parenting or is abusive is illogical. There is just too big of a jump from point A to point B. I tried to give clear back stories for when and why these examples are good, appropriate parenting.

Mandy

[Murphy101]

Abuse leaves you frightened. None of the above would do that.

 

:iagree:

And barring something terrible, it usually has to be repetitive, IMO. Abuse is not based on a few events in the entire relationship. It's abuse because it IS the relationship.

 

I wouldn't allow a son's girlfriend to be in his bedroom whether I was awake or not. If I had a basement and went there looking for my son, I would need to turn on the lights to find my way down the stairs. If he had snuck a girl into the basement to have sex, he would

obviously be running the risk of having the lights turned on! It doesn’t say what the father did at that point, but you better believe that I would have called the young lady’s parents to see if they knew where she was. Gee, maybe this would cause them embarrassment, but they should have thought of that before they were having sex in my

basement.

 

:iagree:

I once heard a priest say being shameless is far worse than proper shame for wrong doing.

 

2. My momma always said, “If you’re not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.” Whiny, crybaby crap falls under part of the problem. If you are told that you can’t have $150 tennis shoes or chocolate pudding for dinner and you cry and pitch a fit, you better believe that you will be fed my standard line, “You may not vomit your inappropriate emotions on me or the rest of this family. Leave. When you can get a grip, you may rejoin us.”

 

Yep. I consider it emotional manipulation and have no patience for it. True heartache is entirely different and would get some one on one discussion in my bedroom.

 

ETA: that sounded weird to read so let me clarify. My bedroom has a sitting area and is considered the one private haven in the house. I have an open living areas and they share bedrooms, so my bedroom is where everyone retreats when they need a minute. :)

Edited September 23, 2010 by Martha

[simka2]

I am not upset. Really, I'm not. As a parent, I try to see things from the parent's perspective. I would never listen to a child say these things and then conclude that the parenting is even inappropriate much less abusive. To conclude based on these examples that a parent is practicing bad parenting or is abusive is illogical. There is just too big of a jump from point A to point B. I tried to give clear back stories for when and why these examples are good, appropriate parenting.

Mandy

 

 

I completely agree with your backstories :iagree:. But, I can also see the same scenarios with different backstories being snapshots into a larger abusive culture. Hope that made a lick of sense!!!

[carolinagirl]

After reading more comments, I want to qualify why I say those examples are poor parenting.

 

#1 -- The teen is showing outright disrespect for his parent's rules. The father handles it by force (ie taking the door off the hinges). This is a scenario with very little before and after information, but I take from it that the teen's actions seem to be 'I'm gonna do it anyway!' while the parent is being completely ineffective. Son is trying to do something the parents don't want so why is the girlfriend even at their home after the event in the son's room? I'm of the opinion, and have been since my children were toddlers, that along with teaching them right from wrong, it's also frequently wise to remove the sources of temptation. This scenario strikes me of a typical poor relationship between child and parent that comes with a lack of respect and communication.

 

#2 -- if my child came to me saying they felt like crying, especially at a young age, I'd gather them up and sit down, wipe the tears and read a book or play a game. Children deserve love, not coldness. It's not abuse, but it surely isn't good parenting. But again, this is a small picture. Is it possible for a child to use crying for attention and it grow to the point where a parent has to say 'enough, you're fine, let's move on with our day' and yes, that would be appropriate response.

 

#3 -- a troubled teen is reaching out to fill a void. In this scenario there is little background information. Nothing suggests the child has an internet addiction so much as the child has a poor relationship with her parent and is finding an alternative to fill her emotional needs with others who understand. Being heavy-handed and yanking that outlet smacks to me of a bullying-parenting method, or at the very least, ignorant of what is going on with your child. Bottom line -- it won't help the underlying issue and will only make it worse so poor parenting.