Do you have an "intense" child?

[fairfarmhand]

My oldest dd is an amazing kid; smart, funny, generous....but she is incredibly driven. She can be hard to be around at times, because she is sure she is right about everything. She is fun when everything is going her way, but is generally explosive when dealing with frustration. She gets on tangents where one thing is all she can think about, and she will puzzle out a situation till she has it whipped.

 

I've described some things that my dd does to some of my friends and some of them look at me like I'm nuts. They cannot believe some of the over the top behaviors we've had to manage. But I do have one friend whose daughter is alot like mine and she totally gets it.

 

I don't think that many parents are raising a kid like this.

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

(By the way, my kid is perfectly normal in her interactions with others. She does not have any mental or social disorders and my dh is VERY normal and was the SAME way growing up)

[Barry Goldwater]

Yes, oldest DD (is it always the oldest? My oldest brother was like that!)

 

She has recently learned a lot of grace and how to tamp it down a bit, so as not to be rude, but it was a challenge. I always feel sorry for the 'immovable objects' in her path. :)

 

Your DD will probably be running a Fortune 500 company in a few years!

[melissel]

Your oldest sounds a lot like me :blush: All you have to do to make sure I dominate something is to imply that I might not be able to do it. I won't lie--it's part of what keeps me going with homeschooling :lol:

 

And yes, I have an intense kid. My DD5 is pretty intense, though if she can turn it into drive the way it sounds like your oldest has, I'll be satisfied.

[elise1mds]

I have two of them. I have many friends who can't understand my kids at all because their children wouldn't ever even dream of doing many of the things my kids do regularly. It's frustrating sometimes. On the other hand, my kids are extremely creative and, if motivated enough, can stick to anything until it's done!

 

I do feel like I get judged often for it because there are many parents out there who, like you said, aren't dealing with the same things. It can be frustrating, but I feel like there are times when I am able to really help someone see how kids can be so different.

 

(To be fair, both my children do have issues of some sort or other that can magnify the intensity, but even so...)

 

:)

[Embassy]

Any one else out there with an intense kid?

 

Yes - 3 of them. I guess they were destined to be since my husband and I are the same way. It is difficult when one child's intensity clashes with another child's intensity.

 

Do people misunderstand you?

 

Yes, judgement does abound. It was especially difficult during the younger years.

 

Is it hard to find support?

 

Yes. I am thankful for the internet. It is good to know that there are other families out there because I have not met any in real life.

[fairfarmhand]

you know I had so many people tell me when she was little that it would get better when she started school. Perhaps because the majority of other people sent their kids to school and did not have to deal with that intensity all day?

 

But I kept wondering and wondering when it was going to get easier. Finally around age 8 or 9, I decided that it would be better for everyone if I just accepted that it probably won't ever be "easy" with this kid.

 

She has learned better how to channel that intensity...she practices the piano for hours at a time till she masters her pieces. But wow, she really can be exhausting...especially to a very laid back person like me.

[fairfarmhand]

I have two of them. I have many friends who can't understand my kids at all because their children wouldn't ever even dream of doing many of the things my kids do regularly. It's frustrating sometimes. On the other hand, my kids are extremely creative and, if motivated enough, can stick to anything until it's done!

 

I do feel like I get judged often for it because there are many parents out there who, like you said, aren't dealing with the same things. It can be frustrating, but I feel like there are times when I am able to really help someone see how kids can be so different.

 

(To be fair, both my children do have issues of some sort or other that can magnify the intensity, but even so...)

 

:)

 

 

I had people see me over look some behaviors, she was probably 3 or 4 (minor IMO, like her taking out her hair bows after I'd fixed her hair) and say, WOW you let her do that?

 

I'd answer that we have so many battles about other important things that hair was not that important.

 

They just didn't get it at all.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think the majority of people think they have a challenging child. Some of those are created and some of these kids have powers that just need to be directed for good rather than evil :) And of course, others have disorders that should be managed well on top of needing better parenting.

 

I was blessed with THE easiest child in the world. Seriously, too easy. I actually WORRIED about it. And then I had my ds. That happened to my mom also. I was a fairly easy kid (though I had some issues later), but my brother was more than challenging, especially with my parents. My brother's issues escalated though as I was determined not to allow that to happen with my ds.

 

I've been in many roles with kiddos and other parents (parenting, fostering, child care, parent coaching). It really seems that a lot of people think their kids are challenging, difficult, tough, intense. The great majority of those aren't really.

 

But then there are some more challenging kiddos. But they give the greatest blessings also. If we do well by them, they can become great.

[Embassy]

I've been in many roles with kiddos and other parents (parenting, fostering, child care, parent coaching). It really seems that a lot of people think their kids are challenging, difficult, tough, intense. The great majority of those aren't really.

 

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

[melissel]

you know I had so many people tell me when she was little that it would get better when she started school. Perhaps because the majority of other people sent their kids to school and did not have to deal with that intensity all day?

 

But I kept wondering and wondering when it was going to get easier. Finally around age 8 or 9, I decided that it would be better for everyone if I just accepted that it probably won't ever be "easy" with this kid.

 

She has learned better how to channel that intensity...she practices the piano for hours at a time till she masters her pieces. But wow, she really can be exhausting...especially to a very laid back person like me.

 

You know, I think that often, they ARE better in school. They learn how to rein in their feelings because people who don't love them unconditionally are watching and judging. But then you're the one who has to deal with the release of the day's pent-up emotions when they get home :banghead: My mom keeps suggesting school will help, but 1) I don't want that flood at the end of the day, and 2) she's already prone to bratty, sassy behavior. The very last thing I need is to send her somewhere where she'll pick up more of it! She's like a sponge for that stuff *sigh*

 

And yes, only in the last few months have I reached the realization that...this is who she is. It's not the terrible twos or the terrible threes or the F-ing fours. This is her. It's her personality, and it's not going to magically get easier with some random birthday. She's a lot like me, and I'm a lot like my dad. My dad is like a grown-up version of my DD5, so now my focus is on not creating another one! (Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he has major issues. He and my mom are about to split over them :(, so I'm watching all the proceedings very carefully.)

 

And I'm not laid back, but I don't like policing her behavior all the time, so that's been hard on me. Forunately, because we're similar, at least I can understand where she's coming from much of the time.

 

I had people see me over look some behaviors, she was probably 3 or 4 (minor IMO, like her taking out her hair bows after I'd fixed her hair) and say, WOW you let her do that?

 

I'd answer that we have so many battles about other important things that hair was not that important.

 

They just didn't get it at all.

 

And yes, I have some of that too. I was lucky that my best friend walked this road before me, so I learned quite a bit from her about choosing your battles!

[melissel]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

I agree, but I'm starting to see that in a lot cases, what I once thought of (and what lots of people still see) as misbehavior is a manifestation of the intensity and the drive, especially in a small child.

[Gratia271]

My oldest dd is an amazing kid; smart, funny, generous....but she is incredibly driven. She can be hard to be around at times, because she is sure she is right about everything. She is fun when everything is going her way, but is generally explosive when dealing with frustration. She gets on tangents where one thing is all she can think about, and she will puzzle out a situation till she has it whipped.

 

I've described some things that my dd does to some of my friends and some of them look at me like I'm nuts. They cannot believe some of the over the top behaviors we've had to manage. But I do have one friend whose daughter is alot like mine and she totally gets it.

 

I don't think that many parents are raising a kid like this.

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

(By the way, my kid is perfectly normal in her interactions with others. She does not have any mental or social disorders and my dh is VERY normal and was the SAME way growing up)

 

I have three intense children, though it manifests itself differently in each. I have received criticism for things over the years. I have given up finding support. If people are not raising them, then they surely don't exist. Nevermind I live with them. It stands to reason they would be intense inasmuch as DH and I are both intense, though in very different ways. I would characterize his as the healthy kind where many people would not recognize it as readily as my patently obvious tenacious approach to practically everything.

 

It is hard without support. I lean on DH a lot, particularly with one who is not only intense but also extremely willful. Right now I could use advice about one of mine, and I feel like a total failure with this child because I cannot reach her. I have asked several ladies IRL who told me it all works out, not to be concerned. :confused: Not to be concerned.. she is my child! Other people just play the blame game about pushing, expecting too much etc... when they have no cognizance of what highly intelligent, intense children are like. I am not a quitter, and I want to give up with this one.

 

Anyway, I understand what you are saying, and I am raising them too.

[Gratia271]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

:iagree::iagree: My difficulty is with my intense child who is not compliant. I understand the intensity, being quite intense myself. The combination of intense/willful is beyond me. I don't know how to handle it and am feeling really incompetent at this point.

 

I agree, but I'm starting to see that in a lot cases, what I once thought of (and what lots of people still see) as misbehavior is a manifestation of the intensity and the drive, especially in a small child.

:iagree:

[melissel]

Yeah, you could say she's intense. She's found her niche--in flight school, surrounded by other intense people.

 

I love it! That's terrific! My biggest struggle in directing her right now is that if I say one word to suggest that she might like to do something or find it fun, she'll never give it another look, ever. I'm having such a hard time keeping my mouth shut! And...I just realized that again, this is so much like my own personality. Darn it! :lol:

[DawnM]

My oldest has Asperger's and is VERY intense. Sometimes it gets to be too much. He is very inflexible and cannot stop projects until they are not only complete, but completed perfectly. He can't sleep or eat or do much of anything when his mind is occupied with something he wants to do or feels he needs to do.

 

He will make an incredible project based employee one day, but right now it drives me insane!

 

Dawn

[fairfarmhand]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

I agree, but I'm starting to see that in a lot cases, what I once thought of (and what lots of people still see) as misbehavior is a manifestation of the intensity and the drive, especially in a small child.

 

 

wow...so true.

 

It is the reason why my dh cannot go to sleep at night if there is a niggling issue at work. He will lie awake puzzling it out. If we lose an animal, he torments himself rehashing the scenario to figure out what went wrong and what he should have done;

[Pamela H in Texas]

what I once thought of (and what lots of people still see) as misbehavior is a manifestation of the intensity and the drive, especially in a small child.

 

This is what I've seen. For some kids, it's needing a huge amount of outside time. For others, it may be challenging them mentally (teaching your 5yo 5th grade math tricks) or challenging them physically (climb fences, ride a bike at 3, etc). Sensory play is often VERY helpful. A sport, an instrument, an art form, a programming situation (Alice.org or something). Like the OP said, piano has made a difference.

 

My daughter was intense in terms of always learning, obsessive with topics, obsessive with questions, etc, but was pretty easy to redirect. She didn't sleep but would follow rules so that helped a lot. She learned many elementary things at 2, 3, 4 years old which allowed her more freedom for her to do things on her own at 4, 5, 6 yrs old.

 

My son, however, just didn't naturally find his own way to self-regulate as easily. I jumped through hoops to give him life skills and tools. I provided plenty of activity and sensory play. I GAVE him challenges physically and mentally. Additionally, being a late developer didn't help. So it was just a lot more work and a lot more naughtiness had to be dealt with consistently and swiftly and "like a brick wall." If there was any give to the wall, any break in the consistency, any lull before action....it was just tough for me to have to be so ON all the time.

 

Both kids were exhausting at points in their own way, but ds....well, is ds :)

 

Anyway, so though my daughter would be intense in some ways, it was easier to deal with because she was such an easy child behaviorally and she learned so early/easy so she could start taking responsibility so much sooner. Intense without those natural helps was much more challenging.

 

Well, and people are much less judgmental when the intensity is like my daughter's than my son's. The biggest thing I got in regards to dd was to make sure I wasn't pushing (as if I even could push as I was being dragged behind a runaway train?). With a child who needs more redirection, guidance, discipline, etc though you get all sorts of opinions along the way as if they could even possibly understand....

 

ETA: And I do give opinions, but I've tempered them significantly. If you post on the board, sure, I'll share. If you ask me directly, of course, I will. And if you pay me, even better. But mostly, I don't have much opinion about the little boy in the store as long as his mother isn't acting like an undisciplined toddler herself :) I figure I just don't know enough about the situation just as no one understood our situation.

Edited September 22, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[HeathenMom]

my daughter's first sentence was 'i love you'...

 

her second sentence was, 'that's not perfect!'

 

she is very challenging because EVERYTHING must be right and she would control everyone in the house if she could. my husband likes to butt heads with her from time to time, but it honestly just makes it worse and she becomes hysterical. it's taken me a while to learn how to deal with her, but i'm starting to be able to diffuse the situations without tears on her part and hair ripping on my part. :tongue_smilie:

[Mom-ninja.]

Ever single day I ask why I was given my middle child. He is so intense, sensitive, inquisitive, determined, and independent that he is so so so difficult to parent.

 

Every day is a test of my patience and parenting.

 

No, I do not feel I have support.

[fairfarmhand]

my mother told me this when my dd was 3 or 4.

 

"if you can ever get that child pointed in the right direction, you will never have a thing to worry about, cause nobody will ever be able to change her mind."

[Mimm]

Both of my kids can be intense but in different ways. Genevieve is mostly not. She's easy going and cooperative. But my husband and I talk about her having a little switch in her brain, and when that switch gets flipped, she turns into a raving lunatic till it gets flipped back. It can be triggered by just about anything. We've had fits because she couldn't find the shoes she wanted to wear and was being made to wear other (perfectly acceptable) shoes. She's stubborn and completely irrational. You can't talk her out of it, reason her out of it. You basically just have to let her scream it out. Most kids get like this every so often but I've known a lot of kids and Genevieve's little fits are a little more intense than most kids. Now this hasn't happened in a while, and it happens less and less the older she gets and these little episodes are even getting shorter so I don't really consider her a particularly intense child.

 

Imogen, however... She caused someone to give me the book "Raising your Spirited Child" when she was younger. I didn't read much of the book, except for the parts that were telling me that my kid wasn't a brat, she's just "spirited". Um, thanks? She tends to blow things out of proportion and she gets so focused on an issue that it becomes all she can see. One time we were driving home (she was tired and moody anyway) and she asked if we could have Sonic for dinner. We try to limit fast food for those times when we really don't have time to get a real dinner made and we said no. She went on and on and ON about how she never gets Sonic and she misses it and she likes the food and she's not in the mood for any other food. At one point during the conversation I told her she was so repetitive that it had gotten boring and if she didn't have anything new to say, she needed to stop talking about Sonic. So she moved on to being upset about something else. This wasn't complaining, by the way, this was yelling and gasping sobs. Yes, over a hamburger and some fries that she didn't get.

 

Right now she's in her room crying over her Writing with Ease assignment. Her workbook papers are crumpled up on the floor waiting for her return to sanity. We'll see.

[Giraffe]

I have an intense child - driven, determined, and sometimes explosive if things don't work right. Not that they don't go her way - that they don't go according to expectation. We have to have a routine, a plan, and it's very difficult to deviate from it.

 

She's an incredibly flexible child IF she knows what's coming. It's the "left field" things that throw her. We've moved three times since her birth, including living abroad for a time, and she adjusts incredibly well. But she has to know what's coming.

 

As far as school is concerned - we haven't done much, but she's started Montessori and we're starting "school at home" as well. She gets frustrated incredibly easy if things aren't as expected - the puzzle piece doesn't fit, the books are moved, I pick up a toy she had set aside but wasn't finished with, etc. But she's also got the focus of a laser beam when she wants to learn something. I take a lot of time with her explaining what is happening, what I expect to happen, and I'm honest if I don't know what's going to happen. People raise their eyebrows about the level of explanation I give her, but then she calmly takes my hand and proceeds, knowing I'm there for her and I've told her the truth to the extent I am able. If I don't take the time - explosion: temper tantrum, screaming, crying, everything all at once. Again, not because she didn't get her way (though I'm sure it looks like that to passerby), but because she doesn't know the parameters of the situation.

 

I am not like DD at all, so this is all very draining for me, but it's who she is, so I go with it. Would I love a child I could just lead around without having to explain every step? Maybe, but then she wouldn't be nearly as interesting as this amazing creature with whom God has blessed me.

[Tree House Academy]

Yes. ds11 is VERY intense at times. He can be very hard to take and very hard to be around during those times too!

[Mimm]

I agree that intensity is in how they view the world. As I said before, Genevieve is laid back and content to watch things unfold around her. Imogen needs to be actively engaged in everything. She throws herself into new experiences with enthusiasm. At her private school, at the beginning of her second grade year, her teacher was told by one of the moms who had known Imogen for years, "That one will need to touch everything in the classroom at least once. After she's done that, you can tell her not to touch things." A couple weeks into the year, this mom asked how the year was going and the teacher said, "I think Imogen is almost done touching everything." Before going into certain stores, I make her put her hands in her pockets but I have to keep an eye on her to make sure they stay there.

 

She also gets over-the-top excited about things. Strange things, sometimes. I have a science supply catalog and I was looking through it saying things like "Oh look, an earthworm life cycle kit." She was getting crazed about it, literally jumping up and down gasping and saying "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN WE GET IT!!!" (Caps are needed to convey the emotion in this case.) ;) Same thing when I said we would be starting Tae Kwon Do. Genevieve was all, "Well, I'll try a class and see if I like it." Imogen was all, "YES, I CAN'T WAIT, CAN'T WAIT, CAN'T WAIT!!!" And after first class she announced that it was the best sport ever. And Genevieve said she had a lot of fun and would love to go back.

[fairfarmhand]

my dd asked me at age 3 while driving home one day..."Momma, when we get home will you teach me to read today?"

 

So when we got home, we sat down and looked at some books and I started explaining about letters. When it didn't go as she expected, there was a major meltdown. She really thought that learning to read was possible in one day in one session, even though I had told her that it took time. When it didn't happen as she expected , it was somehow MOM'S fault.

 

However, when she was finally read to read, she mastered it in only a few weeks.

[LibraryLover]

Yes, I most certainly do. My yes. :tongue_smilie:

[LazyDazy]

Yes, I do. In our house its the youngest child. My hubby has the same tendencies so I handle it better than my hubby does. When those two get going on the same thing I move out of the way!

[elise1mds]

To me intensity isn't about misbehavior. My kids are pretty compliant. Intensity is about how they approach the world.

 

Amen. MASSIVE amounts of curiosity drive my children. When they get thwarted in their plan by any means - lack of materials, lack of interest from other parties, inability due to age,... bedtime... etc. - or realize after the fact that their actions are going to have negative consequences (my son put holes in his closet wall with a drumstick last week because he wanted to see if he could drill to his sister's room so they could communicate at night; the drumsticks were confiscated and he had to help fix the wall), that's when meltdowns occur.

 

The same intensity is why my son is doing so well at home and my daughter thrives in school, though. My son is highly self-motivated and wants to be ahead of his peers and gets frustrated when I don't push him, even though sometimes that same push-and-shove causes issues. My daughter is motivated by competition with her peers and needs a classroom full of them to keep her going. Just like *they* have to learn to work within parameters, I have to work within them as well to make sure that I provide guidance without demotivating or demoralizing them. It's a fine line sometimes!

[Giraffe]

my dd asked me at age 3 while driving home one day..."Momma, when we get home will you teach me to read today?"

 

So when we got home, we sat down and looked at some books and I started explaining about letters. When it didn't go as she expected, there was a major meltdown. She really thought that learning to read was possible in one day in one session, even though I had told her that it took time. When it didn't happen as she expected , it was somehow MOM'S fault.

 

However, when she was finally read to read, she mastered it in only a few weeks.

 

DD asked me to teach her last night - and reminded me this morning that I promised her I would. So today we start. And I fully expect to have things go exactly as you describe. It's going to be a fun afternoon. I'm hoping to stave off the explosion by explaining (again) that this is going to take time and study and won't happen immediately - but that I will teach her and she will learn.

 

And I know she will, since she's determined that she will.

[mktkcb]

Yes, I have 2. VERY intense. First one is now 19, and very driven...may become an engineer. Thought I would kill her before she could even get to the penitentiary when she was younger. Lovely and gracious now....but still intense and driven. Last one is almost 14, and I'm in the "Kill em before they get to jail" stage with him still :o). Middle one is not intense in the same way at all. Very different. But oh honey.....I know exactly of what you speak. I have a few very good friends, thankfully, who "get" my kids, and still love them. They have kids that are similar, and we commiserate a bit. Those who did not know my daughter when she was little, absolutely look at me like I'm nuts if I talk about what she was like until age 13 or so. She is still the same, but has the wisdom, and graciousness to use self control when necessary, and handle frustration. It's a long process. I know "over the top". btdt. Threw my dd into the cold shower a couple times around age 11 just because *nothing* else would calm her down. Strange, but it worked. And yes, some others have NO idea what it is like to live daily with intense, spd-ish, kids. I would say mine would most likely be catagorized as gifted as well, if tested, but that just makes things more challenging LOL. Hang in there. I'm hanging in there this week. Son is gonna kill me over math, I swear, but I'm committed to dying on this hill, so wish me luck. I try to live in the moment, and celebrate every joy. Case in point: my 13 yo son sat on my lap this morning at the computer while he was still sleepy and we had a hug and rock. He still gives me kisses :o). Love that boy! Keep em close emotionally at ALL costs. SO important with kids like this, to always let them know you love them, even at their worst, and forgive them, because they are VERY sensitive.

Kayleen

[lauranc]

I don't think that many parents are raising a kid like this.

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

 

Yes. I have a teenager who has always been very intense. I don't know anyone else IRL who is raising a child anything like my oldest. He is clever, articulate, curious, sensitive etc... a very good kid. But once he gets going on something-- things can get very intense.

 

The few times I've mentioned his intensity (emotional intensity) to other people, they can't believe I'm talking about the same kid they know. I rarely mention it because nobody seems to understand anyway. :)

 

The one book that saved our relationship years ago is called Raising Your Spirited Child (he was about 4 when I read it)-- I had been going the punitive punishment route thinking I would be able to control his behavior-- after reading this particular book, my whole parenting outlook changed, and I realized there were actually other kids like mine out there.

 

I don't get a lot of support, but I do search out how best to parent this kind of kid. I believe he requires something just a little bit different. I follow something I read a long time ago that basically says that some children are born with a strength of will that we can not and should not tame. Because of their drive and intensity, these are the kids who are going to change our world. We can't allow them to be unleashed wildly onto the world, but we need to help direct them, keeping their spirit intact.

 

It requires monumental effort to raise this kind of child--- and I do think that those of us who are, are being given the tools (sometimes very slowly!) we need to help them be all that they are meant to be.

[Giraffe]

The one book that saved our relationship years ago is called Raising Your Spirited Child (he was about 4 when I read it)-- I had been going the punitive punishment route thinking I would be able to control his behavior-- after reading this particular book, my whole parenting outlook changed, and I realized there were actually other kids like mine out there.

 

 

On reserve at the library - thank you for the recommendation. Punitive punishment does not work with DD either. Not in the least. Only escalates things.

[lulubelle]

My oldest is very intense and seems to be on the Asperger's spectrum. He will be tested in November. His Dad is a mad scientist and he is taking right after him. He has been very difficult to raise and it was a tough choice to keep him at home! Part of me wanted to see him go out the door. I am constantly saying to my husband how this kid is going to kill me. He has definitely taken years from my life! I stopped bringing him to play dates when he was young because he was over the top at times and I could not control him.

[Nestof3]

Yes, I have two of them -- and truth be told, I am one myself. It is very exhausting being us. LOL

[Nestof3]

It is one of my favorite books! The companion book is very good too (Power Struggles or something like that). I have learned that people who do not have children like this really do not understand. They always think you've just parented enough or in the right ways. Parenting our eldest was completely different. He is nothing like my biological children.

 

On reserve at the library - thank you for the recommendation. Punitive punishment does not work with DD either. Not in the least. Only escalates things.

[JenC3]

my daughter's first sentence was 'i love you'...

 

her second sentence was, 'that's not perfect!'

 

she is very challenging because EVERYTHING must be right and she would control everyone in the house if she could. my husband likes to butt heads with her from time to time, but it honestly just makes it worse and she becomes hysterical. it's taken me a while to learn how to deal with her, but i'm starting to be able to diffuse the situations without tears on her part and hair ripping on my part. :tongue_smilie:

 

This is my son. Oh my. My challenge. But, he is so much fun and interesting and loving. He is very cute which also helps him out. I thought my anger issues were under control and then I had him. He is also VERY much like his Mother:)

[sparrow]

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

 

 

Yes, yes, and yes.

 

my dd asked me at age 3 while driving home one day..."Momma, when we get home will you teach me to read today?"

 

So when we got home, we sat down and looked at some books and I started explaining about letters. When it didn't go as she expected, there was a major meltdown. She really thought that learning to read was possible in one day in one session, even though I had told her that it took time. When it didn't happen as she expected , it was somehow MOM'S fault.

 

However, when she was finally read to read, she mastered it in only a few weeks.

 

 

:blush: This was me. Actually, I think I have it easy, compared to what *my* parents went through :blushing:.

[jamnkats]

My oldest dd is an amazing kid; smart, funny, generous....but she is incredibly driven. She can be hard to be around at times, because she is sure she is right about everything. She is fun when everything is going her way, but is generally explosive when dealing with frustration. She gets on tangents where one thing is all she can think about, and she will puzzle out a situation till she has it whipped.

 

I've described some things that my dd does to some of my friends and some of them look at me like I'm nuts. They cannot believe some of the over the top behaviors we've had to manage. But I do have one friend whose daughter is alot like mine and she totally gets it.

 

I don't think that many parents are raising a kid like this.

 

Any one else out there with an intense kid? Do people misunderstand you? Is it hard to find support?

 

(By the way, my kid is perfectly normal in her interactions with others. She does not have any mental or social disorders and my dh is VERY normal and was the SAME way growing up)

 

My #2 was like this for MANY years - I remember the ENTIRE house was afraid of him - even his grandparents - of this little toddler. About 5 or 6 years of age he began to mellow. Now that he is in puberty, we've been dealing with it for a year or more again and I figure we will be for a while and then he'll mellow only to have it reappear in his 40s (but by then he should have someone else to hold his hand :)).

 

My #3 was like this but in a different way, she cried her way all the way from age 4 to age 6. It was CONSTANT. OMG I thought she'd die of tears. But we kept at it and supporting her and listening and empathizing and it became less. But it really just shifted but then at 9 she kind of "jelled" and now she's just dealing with hormones (and we work through that).

 

My #4 was wicked awful as a baby but sweet as pie (as long as everyone acknowledged she was alpha) until about 8. She's now going through "something" but it is nothing like #3 or #2.

 

My #1 has been the easiest child in the world. ;) Got lucky with that one.

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, I have 2. VERY intense. First one is now 19, and very driven...may become an engineer.

 

 

my dh, also MAJORLY intense is an engineer. Perfect fit for him.

[OlgaLA]

I have one of those. It hard to be her mother, especially since I don't know how it feels. I was "an angel" as a child so it is hard to understand those outbursts. I think we have found understanding now, but it took some time to realize that what often works with other children, will not work with her.

[Corraleno]

Case in point: my 13 yo son sat on my lap this morning at the computer while he was still sleepy and we had a hug and rock. He still gives me kisses :o). Love that boy! Keep em close emotionally at ALL costs. SO important with kids like this, to always let them know you love them, even at their worst, and forgive them, because they are VERY sensitive.

The bolded part is so important. I've known several parents with intense kids who made discipline/control and "breaking their will" the top priority; the result was that they won all those little, inconsequential battles but ultimately they lost the war for the child's heart. And I've seen the opposite approach — just giving up on an intense, willful child — have equally disastrous consequences. When DS was little I often felt like Pecos Bill trying to lasso a tornado, but that's really the best thing you can do — just hold onto them and don't let go.

 

My 12 yo DS still sits on my lap and hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me — because that's what I've done with him every day of his life since he was born, even the days when I was convinced I'd given birth to an alien, lol. He knows that I "get" him, and I think there's no greater gift for a quirky, intense kid than knowing that someone "gets" them and still loves them — absolutely, unconditionally, always and forever.

 

Jackie

[Lolly]

Two. Well, actually 4, but two of them are compliant with behavior (usually). The other two ummmm....well..... With the dd, it got pretty easy with her when she got old enough to basically let go. That was around 11. I do not and will not argue with her. She can make her own choices. She has made some good ones. She has made some bad ones. She has, in the last couple of years, realized some of the bad ones and is trying to correct them. It is not easy, but she IS doing it. Ds, sigh, it seems to be getting more difficult at times...He just cannot let anything go once it gets in his mind!

[fairfarmhand]

I have one of those. It hard to be her mother, especially since I don't know how it feels. I was "an angel" as a child so it is hard to understand those outbursts. I think we have found understanding now, but it took some time to realize that what often works with other children, will not work with her.

 

This is SO me. I was the compliant, daydreaming middle child. I still struggle to relate with my headstrong intense dd.

 

The bolded part is so important. I've known several parents with intense kids who made discipline/control and "breaking their will" the top priority; the result was that they won all those little, inconsequential battles but ultimately they lost the war for the child's heart. And I've seen the opposite approach — just giving up on an intense, willful child — have equally disastrous consequences. When DS was little I often felt like Pecos Bill trying to lasso a tornado, but that's really the best thing you can do — just hold onto them and don't let go.

 

My 12 yo DS still sits on my lap and hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me — because that's what I've done with him every day of his life since he was born, even the days when I was convinced I'd given birth to an alien, lol. He knows that I "get" him, and I think there's no greater gift for a quirky, intense kid than knowing that someone "gets" them and still loves them — absolutely, unconditionally, always and forever.

 

Jackie

 

 

I see this firsthand with my dh and my mil. She was so intent on "breaking his will" (her words) that to this day he resents her. Every nitpicky thing was cause for a battle. Everything he did was "challenging her authority." As a result they are not close. He loves her because she is his mother, but really is not close and can only stand to be around her for limited amounts of time.

[mom2att]

Ever single day I ask why I was given my middle child. He is so intense, sensitive, inquisitive, determined, and independent that he is so so so difficult to parent.

 

 

I don't have to ask--I know. Mine is a huge lesson in humility. My first was so easy I thought I did everything right and the rest of the world must have done something wrong. God must have laughed when he gave me child #2--"See what you can do with this one!" I was eating humble pie very early on in his young life.

 

But guess what--he's taught me more about myself, more about parenting, more about grace and mercy and forgiveness than my other two put together. I have had to re-evaluate everything I ever thought or learned about child behavior, discipline, and being a parent, all because of my spirited, intense, challenging child. And I love him all the more for it.

 

But you have to have one to know . . . sounds like there is good company on this board!

[Gratia271]

The bolded part is so important. I've known several parents with intense kids who made discipline/control and "breaking their will" the top priority; the result was that they won all those little, inconsequential battles but ultimately they lost the war for the child's heart. And I've seen the opposite approach — just giving up on an intense, willful child — have equally disastrous consequences. When DS was little I often felt like Pecos Bill trying to lasso a tornado, but that's really the best thing you can do — just hold onto them and don't let go.

 

My 12 yo DS still sits on my lap and hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me — because that's what I've done with him every day of his life since he was born, even the days when I was convinced I'd given birth to an alien, lol. He knows that I "get" him, and I think there's no greater gift for a quirky, intense kid than knowing that someone "gets" them and still loves them — absolutely, unconditionally, always and forever.

 

Jackie

 

How do you manage the willfulness on a daily basis? I don't struggle with the intensity which I completely understand. I don't understand the willfulness aspect (DH was like this growing up). As someone else stated, I am truly humbled by this child and really want to understand her but am a total loss what the power struggle is over. We are not domineering parents and have a very affectionate, open relationship with our children. For us, the single most important thing for our children is for them to know they are loved no matter what. We grew up in performance-based environments, and DH grew up in a domineering home. We don't want to replicate that. I just don't know what to try next with her. :sad:

[fairfarmhand]

How do you manage the willfulness on a daily basis? I don't struggle with the intensity which I completely understand. I don't understand the willfulness aspect (DH was like this growing up). As someone else stated, I am truly humbled by this child and really want to understand her but am a total loss what the power struggle is over. We are not domineering parents and have a very affectionate, open relationship with our children. For us, the single most important thing for our children is for them to know they are loved no matter what. We grew up in performance-based environments, and DH grew up in a domineering home. We don't want to replicate that. I just don't know what to try next with her. :sad:

 

 

mine needs a list with appropriate consequences. It takes out the emotion..."hmmm.you disobeyed, well according to the chart you owe me a load of laundry, folded. Have fun."

[fairfarmhand]

I don't have to ask--I know. Mine is a huge lesson in humility. My first was so easy I thought I did everything right and the rest of the world must have done something wrong. God must have laughed when he gave me child #2--"See what you can do with this one!" I was eating humble pie very early on in his young life.

 

But guess what--he's taught me more about myself, more about parenting, more about grace and mercy and forgiveness than my other two put together. I have had to re-evaluate everything I ever thought or learned about child behavior, discipline, and being a parent, all because of my spirited, intense, challenging child. And I love him all the more for it.

 

But you have to have one to know . . . sounds like there is good company on this board!

 

 

I;m with you on that humility thing....

[LibraryLover]

The bolded part is so important. I've known several parents with intense kids who made discipline/control and "breaking their will" the top priority; the result was that they won all those little, inconsequential battles but ultimately they lost the war for the child's heart. And I've seen the opposite approach — just giving up on an intense, willful child — have equally disastrous consequences. When DS was little I often felt like Pecos Bill trying to lasso a tornado, but that's really the best thing you can do — just hold onto them and don't let go.

 

My 12 yo DS still sits on my lap and hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me — because that's what I've done with him every day of his life since he was born, even the days when I was convinced I'd given birth to an alien, lol. He knows that I "get" him, and I think there's no greater gift for a quirky, intense kid than knowing that someone "gets" them and still loves them — absolutely, unconditionally, always and forever.

 

Jackie

 

 

Thank you for saying this, you two! My intense child responds to kindness and calm. Dc is *extremely* emotionally intense. We have had to model the fact that not everything is a big honking deal. It's not a big deal if people get mad as long as they do not harm each other, or hurt feelings etc. As they years go by, the child has seen that big emotions pass, that being angry, sad etc is a normal part of being human. Appropriate actions matter and there are ways to express frustration that are not harmful. That means, a door closed 'strongly' lol is a better reaction than unkind or harsh words. Dc is a joy, but I think would have been really messed up and angry if we had tried to break or punished constantly for inconsequential behavior. I am on the other side of this hill now, and I believe that out parental patience, and our normalizing normal emotion for this child has paid off in a big way so far.

[Corraleno]

How do you manage the willfulness on a daily basis? I don't struggle with the intensity which I completely understand. I don't understand the willfulness aspect (DH was like this growing up). As someone else stated, I am truly humbled by this child and really want to understand her but am a total loss what the power struggle is over. We are not domineering parents and have a very affectionate, open relationship with our children. For us, the single most important thing for our children is for them to know they are loved no matter what. We grew up in performance-based environments, and DH grew up in a domineering home. We don't want to replicate that. I just don't know what to try next with her. :sad:

 

(1) I picked my battles very carefully, and let go of everything that didn't really matter. So what if he was wearing a pajama top to the grocery store instead of a shirt, kwim?

 

(2) Never tell a child like this that they're being ridiculous, getting upset over nothing, etc. It may seem ridiculous to someone else, but a lot of these "silly little things" really are a big deal to hypersensitive kids. And I think a lot of that (obsessing over little things) arises because the kids feel like they don't have a lot of control over their emotions. It's just as scary to them when they "lose it" as it is annoying to parents. So they can be very very controlling about what they eat, what they wear, what they have to do when, etc., because that's really all they can control. It's their attempt to bring a bit of order and control to what feels like a very chaotic and overwhelming world.

 

(3) I compromised wherever possible — letting DS have a say in what he wore, what he ate, what he did when, etc. made a big difference. People who don't have intense kids will tell you this is a huge mistake, don't "cater" to them or you'll have spoiled brats, etc. Don't listen to them. ;)

 

(4) When it was a case where he just had to do it my way, I explained my reasons and told him I understood how he felt and was sorry, but he would have to do what I asked. Knowing that I had heard and considered his feelings, and that I sympathized with him, helped a little when he was younger and has helped a LOT now that he's older. It took a lot more time and effort to negotiate and explain everything when he was little, but it has paid big dividends in the long term. Now that he's 12, we have a lot of discussions but no arguments, no defiance, no rebellion. And this is in spite of ADD/SPD/anxiety/giftedness, and a host of other issues.

 

(5) Don't take it personally. Some parents (including mine) take every argument or question from intense/willful kids as a personal challenge to their authority, and it's not personal. It's just how they (we) interact with the world, and as I mentioned in #2, I believe it's a coping mechanism to help them feel more in control because their emotions are so intense and overwhelming. Fighting back, trying to "break their spirit" just turns the parent into the enemy and then it will eventually become personal.

 

(6) Try not to lose it, and apologize if you do, because they do take it personally. Most of the time when parents lose it, it's over the child just being who they are (intense, hypersensitive, argumentative, etc.) rather than over something they did, and they will take the anger and criticism as a condemnation of who they are. It's important to correct that assumption, so they know that you do love them just as they are, even if their behavior drives you batty sometimes.

 

I was an intense/willful child myself, and my mother tried to beat it out of me, followed by trying to humiliate me and tell me what a horrible, unlovable person I was because I always asked for a reason and argued my case instead of blindly obeying. In a twisted sort of way that turned out to be a gift, because I learned from her everything NOT to do with an intense/willful child, and as a result I have a wonderful close relationship with my son, whereas I no longer speak to my mother. :glare:

 

Jackie

[MIch elle]

I needed to do all of those things and more over the years. I was mostly successful, in my mind, of doing these things with my older ds. I don't think I would have survived homeschooling him K-8 if I didn't do those things! ;)