Another s/o from Merry's thread: Marrying into a different culture

[jld]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

[kalanamak]

I loved being married to a Panjabi. I loved the food and the suits and the music. I loved his friends. Our divorce was related to his personality. He was a great guy who, after 4 years, was sick of anything...his brand of coffee, the sheets, his friends, his favorite vacation spot, anything. After 4 years, without warning, he'd snap about something and put that beloved quilt away and NEVER look at it again. I suffered the same fate, and he took full blame for the divorce. (And we both soldiered through 6 years of his indifference to make sure "it" wasn't coming back.) It was not our cultures.

 

However, we are both non-theists, so we had one less difference than many people. We were also of the same profession, and our schooling was intensive and molding. We trained together. The other day I got a patient in transfer from another hospital. As I read the admission note, I started feeling breathless: the doc was using all the same turns of phrase I do. I flipped to the last page, and it was my ex's note.

 

Goodness, decency, mature-enough-to-be-broadminded, emotionally stable....these things cross cultures through a bit of education and tolerance.

[hsm6kids]

I am a Caucasian woman and my husband is Hispanic (mexican mom, Spaniard dad). We have 6 children and live in south Tucson, which is a prodomenetly Hispanic part of town. I have been with my husband since I was 13. The plus side is I am bi lingual now, his culture is very family oreinted and gender role specific, which I like (I have never been pressured by anyone in his family to get a job, further my education, find a life outside of the home) My role as wife/mom is very respected and honored, not the case with my family. On the other hand the family is not considered just mom, dad, and kids, it includes aunt, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. Which is good and bad.I have some different views then some of the others and discipline is one of them, everyone feels they are intitiled to correct everyone else kids because we are one family, I have had to be firm about no one disciplining my children other than me and their father. My children always have play dates and access to family members, for good or bad. LOL And during the school year my house is the school bus drop off for some 15 cousins, so plenty of play mates. My in-laws live in our guest house/extra trailer on the property :tongue_smilie:

 

I have to say that we are not always treated well in public by Hispanic people mostly but some white people too. (my experiences, not a racial judgment) We get lots of looks, not sure if it is because we have a large family of because my kids are bi-racial. I forget that my husband and I are different races, I forget that my kids are bi- racial until someone brings it up.

I have had family members and continue to have family members on both sides make comments that are racial,(both white and Hispanic) it is hurtful but I don't think they mean what they say in their hearts, I think that they also overlook the fact that we are a bi-racial family.

For the most part though it has always been a non issue, besides an aunt or uncle who has their opinions about race mixing (again on both sides)

 

Also from the 15 cousins that congregate here on school days (family member watch family members children while the parents work, just the way it is, no charge, which I am fine with) 5 of them are bi-racial African American/Hispanic....... we look like a day care center and it gets loud, luckily we live on a little over an acre in a semi-rural area, still I wonder what the neighbors think :lol:

 

 

I don't recommend anything to anyone, you have to follow your heart wherever it leads you, mine lead me to my husband and I would do it all over again and again and again, he is my soul mate and my beat friend. I would never encourage or discourage my children to marry anyone based on race. Marriage is of the heart and soul, the flesh is a consequence of the first two. There have defiantly been bumps in the road but over all it has been a good ride. :)

 

 

 

At a home school group I was told once that it was great that my kids were joining because now the other kids could learn how to play with kids of other races.......never went back, my kids will not be their racial tolerance project...just thought I would add that because it does happen.

Edited August 8, 2010 by hsm6kids

[Ester Maria]

Sometimes I think that my husband and I are the closest possible, but yet so very different. We both come from Italian-Jewish families from the same city, and thus we have a double shared heritage and culture plus a shared "local" culture, but it's incredible how many differences are accumulated there.

 

Being that he lived in Israel for a while, twice, and that his family has strong ties with the country and is bilingual (mine is not, we always actively spoke only Italian), sometimes it does feel like being married into a different culture, with one more home language, one more location for relatively frequent visits, one more source (of food, customs, cultural associations, etc.). So we're as close as we can be, but at the same time quite distant.

 

Kids are traitors though, they "feel mostly American". :( Sometimes I feel like the only Italian in this house.

[AHASRADA]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

 

Yes, yes, yes and yes! Of course there are inconveniences, but as the PP stated, the success of such a marriage really depends more on the two people, their personalities, character, core beliefs and committment to each other. If these are strong, the cultural barriers can be bridged with some effort.

 

The first year or so was tough, as it can be in many marriages, just getting accustomed to living with a person with different habits, ways of doing things, etc. When you add in cultural differences, it is that much more challenging. We finally realized that we both had to let go of our perceptions of what is "normal", what "everyone does or doesn't do", and decide what made sense for us.

 

The PP mentioned being mature enough to be open-minded, which I agree with, but that doesn't necessarily have to come with age. I have seen couples who marry a bit later in life who already have their lives established and have a difficult time adapting to another person's ways, say nothing of culture, no matter how open-minded they try to be. My dh and I married very, very young, matured together and established our own family culture, to the point that I can't imagine what my life would be like were it not meshed with his.

 

Of course, it helped that I was on a spiritual journey when we met, and I ended up being thoroughly convinced of and drawn to his religious tradition, without any pressure on his part. Therefore, we have developed the same goals in life, the same vision for our children, and the same priorities and values. For his part, he has had to adapt to life within the society I grew up in, so there was definitely give and take on both sides.

 

In a nutshell, if both people are of good character, have the best intentions and respect for each other, can agree on the most important things in life and have a strong committment to marriage in general and to each other in particular, cultural differences can be overcome, whether from the other side of the city, the state, the continent or the world.

[nono]

Yes, we're of different culture/race. And religion. It works fine for us. But we're both of the same economic background and educational level. So we definitely had some common ground too.

 

I was married to one who "matched" me once. It's certainly no guarantee.

[Amy in TX]

... it helped that I was on a spiritual journey when we met, and I ended up being thoroughly convinced of and drawn to his religious tradition, without any pressure on his part. Therefore, we have developed the same goals in life, the same vision for our children, and the same priorities and values. For his part, he has had to adapt to life within the society I grew up in, so there was definitely give and take on both sides.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is us, exactly (dh is Pakistani & I'm white, American-born). You said it very well, Asmaa. :)

[Audrey]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

 

 

Well, I would sort of say yes -- although on the surface it doesn't seem like different cultures. I'm an (ex)american, urban-raised, part of that on/near military bases, and formerly Methodist. My dh is French-Canadian, farm-raised, and formerly Catholic.

 

Crossing the border, I made the mistake of thinking Canadians were just like Americans (they're not), and that rural life would just be quieter than urban life (it isn't), and that a Catholic town wouldn't be much different than any other town (it is!), and that French-Canadians would be pretty much like other Canadians (they're not).

 

So... I had a lot of adjustments to make. But.... all that stuff is still on the 'surface' because dh and I have the same ethics, same ideas on family and love, and similar political and spiritual sentiments. We are also deeply committed to mutual respect and open communication.

 

So far, so great. :001_smile:

[abbeyej]

...I have seen couples who marry a bit later in life who already have their lives established and have a difficult time adapting to another person's ways, say nothing of culture, no matter how open-minded they try to be. My dh and I married very, very young, matured together and established our own family culture, to the point that I can't imagine what my life would be like were it not meshed with his...

 

I agree with this part completely. I think that for many people it's *harder* to adapt as they get older, not easier... I don't mean that everyone should marry or have children as young as I did, but I don't think that "greater maturity" is any guarantee of flexibility. Quite often the opposite.

 

And I do very much appreciate that I had the opportunity to do much of my "growing up" together with my husband.

 

As to the mixing cultures thing... One could make arguments for and against that in my household. *shrug*. I think what might have been big differences a generation or two before us are almost invisible now...

[cathmom]

I am a Caucasian woman and my husband is Hispanic (mexican mom, Spaniard dad). We have 6 children and live in south Tucson, which is a prodomenetly Hispanic part of town. I have been with my husband since I was 13. The plus side is I am bi lingual now, his culture is very family oreinted and gender role specific, which I like (I have never been pressured by anyone in his family to get a job, further my education, find a life outside of the home) My role as wife/mom is very respected and honored, not the case with my family. On the other hand the family is not considered just mom, dad, and kids, it includes aunt, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. Which is good and bad.I have some different views then some of the others and discipline is one of them, everyone feels they are intitiled to correct everyone else kids because we are one family, I have had to be firm about no one disciplining my children other than me and their father. My children always have play dates and access to family members, for good or bad. LOL And during the school year my house is the school bus drop off for some 15 cousins, so plenty of play mates. My in-laws live in our guest house/extra trailer on the property :tongue_smilie:

 

I have to say that we are not always treated well in public by Hispanic people mostly but some white people too. (my experiences, not a racial judgment) We get lots of looks, not sure if it is because we have a large family of because my kids are bi-racial. I forget that my husband and I are different races, I forget that my kids are bi- racial until someone brings it up.

I have had family members and continue to have family members on both sides make comments that are racial,(both white and Hispanic) it is hurtful but I don't think they mean what they say in their hearts, I think that they also overlook the fact that we are a bi-racial family.

For the most part though it has always been a non issue, besides an aunt or uncle who has their opinions about race mixing (again on both sides)

 

Also from the 15 cousins that congregate here on school days (family member watch family members children while the parents work, just the way it is, no charge, which I am fine with) 5 of them are bi-racial African American/Hispanic....... we look like a day care center and it gets loud, luckily we live on a little over an acre in a semi-rural area, still I wonder what the neighbors think :lol:

 

 

I don't recommend anything to anyone, you have to follow your heart wherever it leads you, mine lead me to my husband and I would do it all over again and again and again, he is my soul mate and my beat friend. I would never encourage or discourage my children to marry anyone based on race. Marriage is of the heart and soul, the flesh is a consequence of the first two. There have defiantly been bumps in the road but over all it has been a good ride. :)

 

 

 

At a home school group I was told once that it was great that my kids were joining because now the other kids could learn how to play with kids of other races.......never went back, my kids will not be their racial tolerance project...just thought I would add that because it does happen.

 

I'm floored that people are considering Hispanics a different race! I've never heard that.

[cmarango]

I think most people consider Hispanics a different race. On most forms my dh is supposed to check white Hispanic, not just white.

 

I agree with the pp about the Hispanic culture...much more family oriented with the husband expected to be the main provider. My in-laws pity me that I don't have a maid and a nurse to help with the little one. :001_smile:

[Onceuponatime]

I'm floored that people are considering Hispanics a different race! I've never heard that.

 

 

I never heard it either, till I married one.

 

I was shocked when one of my friend's parents said something about my "mixed marriage." I had never thought of dh as anything but American. :D

 

I could identifying with his culture somewhat because I had spent some years in Puerto Rico as a child. We had military life and religion as a common connection.

[hsm6kids]

I'm floored that people are considering Hispanics a different race! I've never heard that.

 

I think in the sense that he is not a Mexican from Mexico, like African Americans are not just called African and then mistaken as being born in Africa. I think most Hispanics want to be identified as born in America hence Americans as opposed to just being called Mexicans and people mistaking them as born in Mexico. Also Hispanic culture is different than mexican culture, It is more Americanized for lack of a better term, and believe it or not some Hispanics have a hard time understanding Spanish spoken in Mexico because "Mexicans speak it faster and with a bit of an accent". Just like english spoken in the south is different than english spoken in the north.

[....]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

 

I'm caucasian...my husband was born in South Korea.

 

Disadvantages? Our relationship almost ended many times when we were dating due to his family (and my lack of understanding for their family dynamics). I thought it was going to end the first year, too. Also, when we go somewhere and stand in line, people assume we're not together...:tongue_smilie: We've gotten some stares.

 

Advantages? Our kids are really, REALLY good-looking. :D Korean people are also extremely family-oriented, so they're generally very good spouses. :001_wub:

 

Would I recommend it? No, unfortunately... unless you loved that person so much that you were realistic about the challenges and willing to compromise. I think 99.9% of the challenge is stubborn family members (on both sides). Korean parents (the Old School ones) are very, very controlling by our standards. I was offended many times and couldn't understand why my husband would not confront them about it or get them to stop. I think marriage is hard enough without a MIL who calls her son every 24 hours to see if he's "eaten dinner".

 

Would I do it over again? Sure.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm caucasian/American who was born and raised in Japan married to a Filipino American who was born in the Philippines and raised in Canada and the United States. It is hard to sort out what is from marrying into a certain culture and what is from marrying into a certain family.

 

Is the fact that my future MIL sat down with me when we announced our engagement and gave me a 30 min. run-down of all the Filipinas that she had set her hopes on her son marrying a part of her culture or her personality? Verdict after 17 years of marriage is that it is probably part of both.

 

Is it a fact that when I gave an open invitation at our marriage reception that "anyone was welcome to come visit us anytime" that my groom kicked me under the table because he knew something about his culture that I didn't? Yes! We had visitors almost non-stop for the next year often with no more than a half hour notice. Some of these visitors stayed for weeks. . .

 

Is it a fact that no family holiday can be planned in advance because plans are subject to change at any moment and run on Filipino time anyway? Yes! I once transported a very hot cooked turkey across town because at the last minute the venue changed from our house to a relative's house. I did the same for the very hot pig's head but that's a whole 'nother story. . .

 

Is the fact that my MIL announced to me when I was pregnant with my first, that as soon as I delivered the baby, she would take it and raise it, part of the culture? Yes. Dh's maiden aunt pretty much raised him and his two sisters, they raised a couple of his cousins for a couple of years, many cousins routinely spend months at a relatives house. . . then came me and my crazy idea that I was going to raise my own kids in my own home. . . . not to mention school them at home too. . .

 

Is it a fact that my dh has a hard time understanding why I don't know all of my cousins and their kids? Yes. Getting used to a new culture goes both ways.

[NCMom]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

 

Different race, culture and country... The main inconvenience came from the matriarchal nature of his culture. I was not prepared for this. Turns out, after much working through of marriage roles, that we just do not roll that way and it confounds his family a bit. Operating on Island Time was a new concept for me also... ;)

 

My family is ok w/it but some of their remarks are not always appropriate. My mother still cannot seem to understand that his country HAS a different culture. You would think after almost 23 years...

 

I'm not sure if I would recommend it or not. No doubt like any other marriage it takes hard work. We were young when we married and I never gave a rat's rear end about what anyone thought. We've has a pretty good time together. :D

 

I will say that although our children love it here and do not want to leave, there are definitely drawbacks to being biracial and living in this area.

I do worry a little about what the future holds for my kids.

 

Georgia

[Liz CA]

We are from different countries but both of us are Caucasian. The adjustment was much more due to different family backgrounds and working on our own character issues and growing into better people.

 

As far as educational background goes. Dh had no degree when we married but has one now. I already "came" with a degree from a foreign university. This has made no impact really as I believe there are many people who could have degrees if they pursued them (could afford it) but have not taken the time or never have had the opportunity. If there are real differences in intellect, it would be more of a concern, I think.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Liz CA

[Janet in Toronto]

I have been in a mixed marriage for 26 years.

 

I am the product of a WASP mother and Jewish father. My husband is Syrian Catholic, ancestors from Turkey...he grew up in Lebanon. We met in grad school and married while still students.

 

Inconveniences? Most of ours were the Catholic/Protestant thing until I converted (very willingly, by faith, after instruction) 20 years in. Before we were married, his parents weren't too thrilled, but once we were together, I became like another daughter to them. They lived in Europe, so it was expensive to travel to see his family (that can be a good or a bad thing ;) ...). I need to communicated with his parents in French which is my second language and a bit difficult for me to manage on the spur of the moment, but it's easier than learning Arabic. All of his siblings speak English though.

 

Advantages? Like another poster mentioned, we have gorgeous-looking kids! They have the advantage of a multi-cultural background and know a lot about the world. They have cousins in many countries and are comfortable travelling. The Lebanese culture is extremely family-oriented and I have learned to cook in large quantities and love leftovers.

 

My FIL passed away a number of years ago and never saw our younger son. My MIL passed away two days ago... DH is in Paris now with his brothers and sisters preparing for the funeral. I reposted a blog post a couple of months ago when we knew she was ill that you might enjoy. It speaks to some cross-cultural issues.

 

Janet

[ourjourneys]

My husband is from different continent, religion, culture, you name it. We have had our share of problems because of our extreme differences HOWEVER we have both grown so much as we have really had to do soul searching in our relationship. I would not trade it. I have learned so much about myself and more importantly how and why I believe and do the things I do :) if that makes any sense.

For sure I have become a more understanding and tolerant person :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

My FIL passed away a number of years ago and never saw our younger son. My MIL passed away two days ago... DH is in Paris now with his brothers and sisters preparing for the funeral. I reposted a blog post a couple of months ago when we knew she was ill that you might enjoy. It speaks to some cross-cultural issues.

 

Janet

 

A beautiful blog post about your MIL, Janet. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[nono]

 

Is the fact that my MIL announced to me when I was pregnant with my first, that as soon as I delivered the baby, she would take it and raise it, part of the culture?

 

 

Ha! That reminded me of when my husband told his Mom (Chinese) that we were adopting. Her response? "But, I'm not ready to retire." She was much more on-board once she realized we'd be doing the child-rearing ourselves! :)

[tearose]

.

[Alice]

I'm Caucasian and Dh is Chinese American, ethnically Chinese but born and raised in Indiana. I think we have more similarities than differences. We're both the same religion which for us has been more important than race or culture.

 

For the most part I forget that we have a biracial marriage or that our kids are biracial. Most of our stories are of the funny kind rather than real issues with either side of the family. The time when he asked my very Southern grandfather which side of THE WAR our family fought on. Everyone laughed and then my dh said "No, really I want to know." My grandfather still didn't answer not believing anyone could not know which side was the RIGHT side. I don't know if that was Asian/Caucasian as much as Indiana/Southern.

 

My FIL also has had some funny remarks about raising the kids. When my oldest was a baby he was very very fat, well over the 95%. He then got a cold and maybe lost a tiny bit of weight but was still a very chunky baby. My FIL was quite concerned and offered to hire a relative from China to come and live with us and be the nanny. I chose to hear the love for his grandson in the offer rather than the criticism of my parenting. He also always thinks I'm letting the kids get too cold in the winter.

 

But for the most part it's a non-issue for us.

[hsm6kids]

I have been in a mixed marriage for 26 years.

 

I am the product of a WASP mother and Jewish father. My husband is Syrian Catholic, ancestors from Turkey...he grew up in Lebanon. We met in grad school and married while still students.

 

Inconveniences? Most of ours were the Catholic/Protestant thing until I converted (very willingly, by faith, after instruction) 20 years in. Before we were married, his parents weren't too thrilled, but once we were together, I became like another daughter to them. They lived in Europe, so it was expensive to travel to see his family (that can be a good or a bad thing ;) ...). I need to communicated with his parents in French which is my second language and a bit difficult for me to manage on the spur of the moment, but it's easier than learning Arabic. All of his siblings speak English though.

 

Advantages? Like another poster mentioned, we have gorgeous-looking kids! They have the advantage of a multi-cultural background and know a lot about the world. They have cousins in many countries and are comfortable travelling. The Lebanese culture is extremely family-oriented and I have learned to cook in large quantities and love leftovers.

 

My FIL passed away a number of years ago and never saw our younger son. My MIL passed away two days ago... DH is in Paris now with his brothers and sisters preparing for the funeral. I reposted a blog post a couple of months ago when we knew she was ill that you might enjoy. It speaks to some cross-cultural issues.

 

Janet

 

 

Absolutely beautiful, I have tears in my eyes right now because I am thinking of my MIL, Thank you so much for posting, I am sorry to hear about your loss but I am so glad that not only did you have a beautiful mother in law, but you knew you had a beautiful mother-in-law, sometimes I forget.

[*Inna*]

Yes, my husband is a white American. :tongue_smilie:

Yes, I would do it again. We had lots of misunderstandings in the beginning, but now they are great stories to tell.

 

For example, he's learned not to try to keep up with the Russians and their alcohol consumption at the dinner table. It's embarrassing for all involved.

 

I've learned to be extra careful saying "beach" and "sheet" with my thick accent, especially when it's a first time meeting his great-aunt. :001_huh:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I

For the most part I forget that we have a biracial marriage or that our kids are biracial.

 

Me too. I had a friend say something about how she liked having a friend who was in an interracial marriage. I said, "Oh? Who is it?"

 

Most of our stories are of the funny kind rather than real issues with either side of the family.

 

Most of our stories are of the funny kind too but that is partly because we've chosen to make them into the funny kind. (I don't share the stories with my ILs though because they wouldn't see the joke.)

[Rich with Kids]

For example, he's learned not to try to keep up with the Russians and their alcohol consumption at the dinner table. It's embarrassing for all involved.

 

I've learned to be extra careful saying "beach" and "sheet" with my thick accent, especially when it's a first time meeting his great-aunt. :001_huh:

 

:lol:

[Janet in Toronto]

Thank you. It seems especially difficult right now because DH was the only one who could travel for the funeral, so I'm kind of alone with my feelings. Hence my verbosity on my blog (multiple posts).

[Janet in Toronto]

Thank you so much. I really came to appreciate her once I had time to spend with her, not to mention became Catholic. A lot of things suddenly made more sense.

 

Janet

[chiguirre]

I´m checking in late to this thread because we´re on our annual trip to Venezuela, so I´m at my most cross-cultural at the moment. But to be honest, after 20 years together, I don´t think we have many cultural issues left and we really didn´t have many to start with. I think in our case our professional training and shared interests trumped the cultural and family differences. It probably helped that we didn`t live near either family when we were first married and that we hold similar religious views. And of course, we live in Houston, so we blend right in with our local community and even with our local hs group.

[Impish]

My dh is Metis (His mom was First Nations, his Dad Norwegian/Swedish) and I'm the usual Heinz 57 of European ancestry that is the 'typical' Canadian :lol:

 

We married when he was 35, I was 29. The toughest time in our marriage, as far as 'cultural' issues goes, was in the first year...and had FAR more to do with his eldest sister hissing in his ear about what a 'proper First Nations wife' would/wouldn't do. We fought all the time when she was around. She even tried to get me to call off or postpone the wedding...and told me that I'd be lucky if her brother showed up at all, since he was like her. :001_huh::glare:

 

When I found out about this, I blew a gasket. First, he'd been adopted, one of the 'taken children'. He didn't know his own culture, so why was I getting criticized for something that HE didn't even know about? Second, his sister was full of hooey, and divorced 3 or 4x, and a serial cheater. If you want marital advice, get it from someone that's successfully married!

 

His grandfather accepted me from the first moment. Providing his grandson with a boy before our 2nd wedding anniversary put me as a shining star in his eyes...then, when Tazzie was about 16 mths old, and I was very pregnant with Princess, he told Wolf, "She's a good woman...now leave her alone for a while!" and turned and told me the same thing, to make him leave me alone for a while. :lol:

 

Other First Nations family members hate me, without knowing me. I'm Caucasian. He should have married a First Nations family, instead of me. He's been called an 'apple'. Red on the outside, white on the inside. A First Nations bride would have brought him back into the fold as far as they're concerned, making up for him being raised Away.

 

The blind hatred caused me to miss Grandpa's funeral. We didn't want a fight, and there most assuredly would have been one. One of the aunts verbally attacked a husband of a cousin, demanding to know 'what the f*** are you doing here?' because he is Caucasian. Me, she would have attacked, especially as we would have had our 'half breed mongrels' with us, aka our children...who don't look particularly First Nations.

 

That I have a 'lost tribe' in my heritage, my great grandfather's mother, doesn't matter. I look white, and that's all they care about.

 

I've also been cursed out by strange women at a Pow Wow. I was with Wolf, hugely pregnant with Tazzie. That we both wore wedding bands seemed to be the biggest issue, judging by their comments. Bad enough he was having a BABY with me, but married too? :svengo:

 

The funny thing is, it never occurred to me that we were a 'biracial marriage'. It took a comment from someone at work. She asked me if the reason my parents weren't attending my wedding was because it was a biracial marriage.

 

Never occurred to me. Wolf was, and still is, Wolf to me. Not just a culture, skin colour, heritage. He's the man he is, period. :001_wub:

[Beth in OH]

What a thoroughly enjoyable thread! Thank you all for sharing your stories. I read every work.

 

Beth

[specialmama]

Is your spouse from a different culture? What have the advantages and inconveniences been? Would you recommend it? Would you do it all over again?

 

I'm like Impish, all over the map on my heritage (bit of English, Irish, Metis and I think something else that is not coming to me right now.) My dh is Greek, although he moved to Canada when he was 9 or 12, can't recall. His parents are VERY old world, I mean ANCIENT OLD WORLD. The advantages for us: educational re. different cultures, food, language, etc. MIL paid for us to go to Greece for 3 weeks a couple years back so that was a huge advantage LOL! My hubby still speaks Greek to them on the phone as their english is not very fluent, so my daughter has a great teacher under her own roof. Inconveniences? Well, the Greek custom is to name the first boy and girl babies after the father's parents, and the second boy and girl after the mother's parents. So the third baby of each sex I could name myself. I didn't want to play. I got out of that one, but was treated very poorly for years. They took that as THE biggest display of disrespect possible. I also bowed out of the custom my MIL insisted on: letting her raise my babies after they were 30 days old. She said not to worry, that she'd give them cow's milk (whole/homo) and force feed pablum. Yes, at 30 days. And I could pick them up when they were 2. Because that's how THEY do it. Again, I think she regretted having a strong daughter-in-law because I stood up to her and would not budge on it, and again, I paid for it for a loooong time. She threatened to call Children's Services SO many times for things that (to her) appeared wrong because she simply never heard of it, therefore it must be bad (ie: gripe water, baby swings, jolly jumpers, et al.) The ignorance I deal with cannot be described and no amount of trying to explain via conversation, news clippings, videos, etc., will help. Stubborn to the core. This follows us with our son's autism diagnosis. Did you know that he has autism because I put him in a baby swing? Yup. That's the consensus. And if I just do xyz (varies monthly) then he will be cured. :blink: Anyhow, would I recommend it? Only with eyes wide open and a spirit of giving and understanding that their ways are not our ways. Firm boundries help too.

 

I'm going to end this by saying that my MIL and FIL have improved over the last 2 years, and recently complemented my mothering skills. To quote, "we thought you were a little coo-coo, but you did okay. (Daughter's name) is turning out okay." :D Hey, I'll take it! I won't even mention the fact that they brought up Classical Ed and how it's GOT to be the strong Greek blood in her responding to the ways of Aristotle or some other such gibberish. :lol: "Her brain knows the Greek ways!" :lol:

[....]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, specialmama. A lot of us have been through similar situations. Marriage is hard enough without my MIL coming over to our house and telling me to turn all of our beds until they're facing Magnetic North. Oh, and we were also told that babies can not sit in baby swings or carseats, either, because they must be lying flat at ALL times.

[JennifersLost]

Well, I would sort of say yes -- although on the surface it doesn't seem like different cultures. I'm an (ex)american, urban-raised, part of that on/near military bases, and formerly Methodist. My dh is French-Canadian, farm-raised, and formerly Catholic.

 

Crossing the border, I made the mistake of thinking Canadians were just like Americans (they're not), and that rural life would just be quieter than urban life (it isn't), and that a Catholic town wouldn't be much different than any other town (it is!), and that French-Canadians would be pretty much like other Canadians (they're not).

 

So... I had a lot of adjustments to make. But.... all that stuff is still on the 'surface' because dh and I have the same ethics, same ideas on family and love, and similar political and spiritual sentiments. We are also deeply committed to mutual respect and open communication.

 

So far, so great. :001_smile:

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, I was laughing in my mind about posting in this thread, because the "culture" I married into was Canadian and that doesn't seem to count.

 

But I made the same or similar mistakes to the ones you did. I thought that Canada and Canadians would be just like Americans (they're definitely not), that I knew what small town living was like (I didn't), that the school system would be similar (it's not), and that we were only moving to Canada for a little while (we weren't).

 

The plus side is that I have a wider view of the world and can see politics and happenings from more sides that just the American one. I know why people in resource-dependent areas will make short-term choices about things like mining/oil production/logging that don't make sense to outsiders.

 

I now know how many people in the world are religious. I spent my first 36 years in New York and California and had no idea so many people still went to church.

 

The down side is that someone in the marriage is always the fish out of water. Someone is always not "home". That's hard. We have an arrangement that works for us - we live in Canada and spend many summer vacations with my family in the US. Still, after six years, I sometimes get blindsided by homesickness.

[Deb in NZ]

I'm an American & Dh is a NZer. We met & married in the Pacific Islands. We spent the first 5 years of our marriage living in the Pacific Islands as expats. This probably helped the bi-cultural relationship as we were both outside our own culture. We are both of northern european ancestry if you trace family histories back 100-400 years ago, but his family went east to Australia / New Zealand & my family went west to North America. The cultures are very different. Even though we both grew up speaking "English", we don't really speak the same language. I joke that our dc are bi-lingual, but they have on occasion translated for us at the dinner table :lol: Foods are different, table manners are different, styles of dress are different. Some of our differences are magnified due to the fact dh is 16 years older than me, but at the same time the fact that I grew up in a different culture has helped to make the age difference not as big an issue. As dh gets older I am noticing that he is wanting things done the proper kiwi way, but that may just be an age thing. What's helped most in my understanding the kiwi culture was the Canadian history I studied during my schooling in VT (4 years of my history studies were focused on Canada in all). Much of the differences between American & NZ cultures are similarities between Canadian & NZ cultures.

 

Our dc are bi-cultural & even though they have grown up mainly in NZ, they have each spent 3 holidays in the States (1-7 months each holiday.) This has helped them to feel "American" & get to know my family. Dd did make a comment once when she was about 13yo. saying that where ever she was people said she was from the other place (ie she was the American kid when in NZ, & she was the NZ kid when in the States.) After that I tried to keep our "American" traditions & such just within our family.

 

My in-laws have always thought me a bit weird, but were just so happy that dh finally married & had a family (he was 40 when we met :tongue_smilie: ) that they didn't dare complain. My mil is great, but my step-mil was more the sterotypical mil, telling me how we should raise our dc. My family have accepted dh, more so after my sister's marriage fell apart & my dad had handpicked her dh for her. Living half a world away from my family has probably made that easier for all involved.

 

Would I choose to marry outside my culture again. Yes, as I married a person, not a culture. There is a good chance that my dc will marry outside their culture & as long as they are happy, that's all that matters. It does make for interesting dinner conversations. ;)

 

Blessings,

Edited August 10, 2010 by Deb in NZ

[Rosie_0801]

I (not) married a hard of hearing guy. I don't recommend marrying deaf guys, but late deafened, hard of hearing guys are just fine :)

 

:)

Rosie

[zaichiki]

Is your spouse from a different culture?

 

Yes.

 

 

Karyn said it perfectly:

"Would I recommend it? Only with eyes wide open and a spirit of giving and understanding that their ways are not our ways. Firm boundries help too."

 

I, myself, am still working on the above. :D