When your husband is grumpy..........

[MamaJo]

how do you proceed?

 

 

What I do seems to escalate the grumpiness but I don't know what else to do. So what do you do when your dh has had a bad day at work and comes home grumpy. Oh, and my husband comes home at 4 pm and the kids are all up and about so please suggest things that can be done with the kids in the same room. ;)

[ma23peas]

There went my first suggestion...but really, I'd have a talk with him...some people choose to be grumpy....if it's the occasional stressed out day...then give him peace and take the kids outside and play...

 

But some guys really like just being grumpy..I have one...over the years I have had to pray and he's come MILES!! We've had many discussions about stealing someone's joy...it's not Christ like...and we both are believers so he takes those lessons to heart...and he does desire to be the better father...my husband likes for my kids to walk on his back...it really destresses him! Maybe fix him a tall glass of lemonade and fix his favorite dinner...but if it becomes a daily habit...intervention is needed..prayer and some heart to heart discussions..

 

Tara

[Parrothead]

Dh's grumpiness is centered around the amount of sleep he gets. On night shift that amount is very little.

 

I tell him point blank to go (back) to bed. I don't want to deal with preventable grumpiness.

 

If it is stress related or has to do with work, I send him to the club. He can walk two blocks to the club, have a couple beers and walk himself home when he feels better. I don't want to deal with non-preventable grumpiness.

[EJCMom]

If he's grumpy because of something I did or didn't do, I try to fix the situation. If his grumpiness has nothing to do with me, I give him the space to be grumpy until he's not grumpy anymore. It isn't my responsibility to make him un-grumpy. And I don't really know that he wants/expects me to try. Sometimes people just need to be grumpy until they're not grumpy anymore. And trying to ungrumpify (Is that a word? If not, I just made it up!) someone can actually make them more grumpy.

[Crissy]

My husband only tends to get grumpy when he has far too much work to do, or when he has lost something.

In either case, I ask him what I can do to help. Often he just feels better with the offer, but sometimes he tells me of some real way I can help him.

 

I would suggest finding a quiet project or game for the kids to play and asking your husband if there is anything you can do for him. Knowing you are on his side and willing to support him may go a long way toward improving his mood.

[mrs.m]

I bring him a beer. :D

 

OK, not really.

 

Seriously, I usually give him space to have his feelings. I don't like it when someone wants me to be happy when I'm really not. I get annoyed when that happens. (not that I don't buck-up and act like a brat in every situation that I'm in a bad mood. But there are times that it is appropriate to feel grumpy!) And it's pretty much the same way that I react when my kids are grumpy. "Maybe you need to work through your feelings alone (in your room, garage, golf course, etc.). I'm here if you want to talk without taking it out on me."

[KidsHappen]

I leave him alone and try to get the kids to do the same thing. It's the least I can do because he is grumpy much less often than I am.

[dangermom]

Hibernation. Both of us get a little overwhelmed at times, and it tends to come out in grumpiness. So a little time alone in the back bedroom with a book can be really nice. We're both introverts.

[Pretty in Pink]

Well, my first response is out of the question, so...

 

I grab him a beer and ask him to tell me about his day. :001_smile:

[holdoll]

When dh comes home grumpy from work, I send him outside with a cigar and a good book. After about an hour, he's in a much better mood. Thankfully, that's only about twice a year.

 

If it's the weekend he's usually much more open to talk. I make sure I'm available and ask what I can do to help. Usually that's all it takes - the conversation goes from there. Wish it were that easy for me! ;)

[Food4Thought]

When my DH gets grumpy, I avoid him like the plague.

 

Or, in a nicer way, I give him his space. I've learned that trying to get him to talk about it is a quick road to more grumpiness, so I usually ask if there's anything I can do to help, and then nicely suggest he go to the back room and take a break. He's usually better after an hour or two of downtime.

[Mimm]

It's funny, my husband came home in a mood tonight and it really dragged down my whole evening. When he's in a bad mood, first I ask him if he's ok and if he needs anything from me. Sometimes this calls attention to the fact that he's being a grouch and he lightens up. Tonight was not one of those times. :) If this doesn't work, I try to pull him aside and tell him outright that he's being a grouch and ask him if he wants some time alone to relax from work. This might sound condescending, like I'm putting him in timeout or something, but it's not like that. We both have high solitude needs and try to help each other get the alone time that we each need. Eventually though, his mood will start to infect mine and I get grouchy right back at him and things go downhill. So I don't really have any answers, except that it does sometimes help to approach things very nicely at first. This involves some tongue biting and reminders to myself that he puts up with my moods a lot as well.

[Peela]

I generally tease him ( I call him Mr Grumpybum) while making sure I am coming from a genuinely well meaning place- in other words, where is your sense of hunmour gone? Life is not so serious, and the fact the kids didnt do one of their chores AGAIN is STILL not a cause for World War 3, ok? It's just life. His grumpiness will usually manifest as overreaction to minor issues.

 

If he has completely lost his sense of humour I will tend to ask him to go away (to his room) till he can behave properly around his family. Its usually enough to give him a reality check.

[Hockey Mom]

I bake cookies. Usually I'll take the boys into the kitchen with me, and we'll whip up a batch of cookies. It keeps the boys out of his hair, it keeps me from getting confrontational with him, it gives him space to work it out. By the time the smell of cookies is wafting through the house, he's in the kitchen with us and watching the timer.

 

A word of caution though; if your Dh catches on to your baking-him-out-of-a-mood method, he may intentionally come home grumpy just for the cookies. ;)

[Rosie_0801]

I leave him in his cave. That probably means disappearing into the bedroom with his laptop. Either he comes out when he's ready, or if things are becoming frantic (as happens with two small children around dinner time) I'll go and haul him out to help. He doesn't mind that so much because he knows he gets a reasonable amount of cave time and understands that I deserve some occasionally and that it is reasonable for me to ask for help when I need it. If he's going through a particularly introverted phase, as he does occasionally, I threaten to buy his cave and charge him rent :D

 

Rosie

[Anna]

I give him a beer and some space to unwind from his day. Later, I make a point to get us in bed early so I can help him unwind in the way that only a wife can do. Simple solution!;)

[holdoll]

When my DH gets grumpy, I avoid him like the plague.

 

:lol:

[Julie in CA]

Oh, and my husband comes home at 4 pm and the kids are all up and about so please suggest things that can be done with the kids in the same room. ;)

I think maybe this is the point...is he needing some time *without* the kids when he gets home?

Your dc are certainly old enough that you all don't need to be in the same room when he comes home. Maybe try making that a point--that he can have a bit of time in the bedroom to unwind without the dc (but maybe with you?).

[5LittleMonkeys]

It goes like this:

 

Hi sweetie, how was your day?

 

Uuhhgg.

 

Oh, you don't sound to happy. Do you want to talk about it?

 

Uuhhgg.

 

Well, how about you go sit in your chair in your office and take a little snooze and I'll wake you up at dinner time. Love you.

 

Uuhhgg.

 

Usually a 45 minute nap does wonders. Sometimes he will open up about what's bothering him after dinner and sometimes he won't. He knows I'm there either way.

 

When you say that you end up making him grumpier I can relate because when we were first married and he would be grumpy about something I would try to talk him out of it. Or, if I did get him to open up and tell me what was wrong I would make the mistake of telling him how he should have handled it or what he should do next time, you know, try to give him solutions. That isn't what he needed. He just needed to vent.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

My DH's grumpiness is usually realated to low blood sugar issues. I usually just make him a sandwich. His grumpiness magically disappears when he has a little food in his stomach.

 

Two of my sons are like this too. If there are lots of fights breaking out, it's time for a round of sandwiches or a handful of nuts.

 

We eat a lot of sandwiches around here. :D

[Sahamamama]

I gently remind him, "Honey, this is your only time home with us, so please try to make it pleasant." Or "Honey, you've been home two minutes and you're already bellowing like a bull. The girls are excited to see you, but if you can give us a little more time, we'll try to adjust to you being home." :glare: Or, if I'm annoyed with his mood, "Honey, we had such a peaceful day until you arrived. Welcome home." And that usually does the trick, LOL.

 

I tell him to go change his clothes, lie down on the bed, and take a nap. THAT always does the trick. :lol: My husband could sleep on a railroad track in the pouring rain..... He's always good for a nap, and better after.

 

I might push back. If he's unreasonably grumpy, IMO, I get um... grumpier? And his usual charming pleasantness then feels compelled to emerge, KWIM? I try to "grump" him out of his slump, and I hardly ever have to, but if it works.... well, those are my strategies for the grumpies. HTH.

Edited August 3, 2010 by Sahamamama

[Sahamamama]

Knowing you are on his side and willing to support him may go a long way toward improving his mood.

 

:iagree:This is true. I think men are grumpy when they feel the world is against them.... then come home still feeling the same way. Let your home and family be the CONTRAST to the "out to get me" feeling he gets from being out in the hard, cold world all day.

[Peela]

I just thought of something else...my parents used to go into the formal loungeroom in the evenings and have a drink together (sherry, or scotch and dry, or gin and tonic, as I remember). Although my brother and I would and could go in there to ask them questions or say something, and often to take a sip of their drink with their permission, generally it was their time and my brother and I would watch TV in the playroom next to the kitchen.

So...maybe your dh does need a little bit of space between getting home and needing to plunge right into the family. I read a book - might have been those Men and from Mars and Women are from Venus series of books....where it was suggested that men could use their drive home to destress from work, play a tape of relaxation music etc. In other words, men who work all day might need some sort of a clear break between their work world, and their family world, to just be with themselves.

[The Girls' Mom]

I send him to the man cave. Seriously, it's just best for all if he disappears into his office for a while. Same goes for me.

[Impish]

Feed him. That's usually the biggest cause of ill temper around here. Then I send him to the basement, where he's got a 'cave'. Keep the kids distracted, and he's usually up in 10 minutes, back to himself.

 

For times that he's not reacting from hunger, and persists in acting like a grump, I call him on it. Its not cause of the kids or I, so don't take it out on us, thanks.

 

That usually results with him stomping downstairs...again, for about 10 mins, and re-emerging as a rational human being that isn't in danger of being forked to death by his wife. :D

[MamaJo]

When I suggested that perhaps he would like to spend some time alone he was too grouchy to hear it. I think we are going to need to talk about it when he isn't in a mood. I'm praying he comes home in a better mood tonight cause there have been a string of grouchy ones.

[lionfamily1999]

We avoid him, and when he finally gets his head far enough from his own hiney to notice I tell him he's been biting the heads off anything within reach since he walked through the door... :glare:

 

But, we're the people that think that grumpy heads should go sit by themselves until they're willing to be nice.

[Blueridge]

My dh used to do that, too. I found things that helped:

~Having the girls come running up to him and all chatting at once about their days wasn't working, so then I asked them to all wait upstairs for 20 minutes to let dad unwind from his day.

~He was usually stressed from the awful traffic, and hot from his semi-working air conditioner, so I always met him at the door with a smile, then shuffled him off (begged, pleaded) for him to take a quick cool shower.

~There was usually something at work that was eating at him, so later in the evening I would ask. Sometimes he would share, sometimes not. But it was usually somebody/something at work that had 'chapped his hide' and he was grumpy trying to release it all.

Things are much, much better for him now. :)

[katemary63]

If my DH comes home from work grumpy because he had a rough day, I send him right to bed. He actually gets naked, gets in the bed, turns on the fan and takes a nap. He usually sleeps an hour or so and wakes up in a much better mood. We try to be understanding. His work can be agrevating at times.

 

However, this only happens once a month or so. If DH's grumpy days became more frequent, there would be an investigation and some sort of action taken. Occational grumpiness is normal. A habit of grumpiness must be dealt with.

[Desert Rat]

I leave him alone. If the kids can't be in another room, I make sure they are playing quietly and not bugging him. We all have times when we're grumpy. I'm grateful that my dh is rarely grumpy. But man we his is!

Is there some way you can carve out more sleep time for your dh? If you know what is specifically causing the problem, I'd work hard to fix it.

[Rosy]

I do my best to give him space. I encourage him to read his book, work on a project, watch a movie, etc. I'll make him a coffee shake or some other treat. I offer a cup of TeA if I think he'll be open to it (after the kid go to bed, of course!). If he's really grumpy, I might take the kids and go run an errand or something. I listen to him vent about his day. Whatever makes him feel better. And I try to have the house reasonably cleaned up, because that tends to compound the problem.

 

I don't think it's my job to cheer him up, but I do try to support him however I can. He does the same for me--if I'm grumpy he'll take the kids, or offer to pick up a pizza for dinner, or encourage me to get out by myself or go read a book in my room.

 

When I suggested that perhaps he would like to spend some time alone he was too grouchy to hear it. I think we are going to need to talk about it when he isn't in a mood. I'm praying he comes home in a better mood tonight cause there have been a string of grouchy ones.

 

I think that's a good idea. Saying something like, "Honey, I know you've been having a tough time at work lately, and I was wondering how I can help you when you get home and you're still frustrated" might give you some answers...or at least let him know that you care and are concerned.

[Daisy]

how do you proceed?

 

 

What I do seems to escalate the grumpiness but I don't know what else to do. So what do you do when your dh has had a bad day at work and comes home grumpy. Oh, and my husband comes home at 4 pm and the kids are all up and about so please suggest things that can be done with the kids in the same room. ;)

 

Didn't read other replies.

 

Well, that is hard. When I'm grumpy, I want to be left alone. So when my husband is grumpy, I tend to give him some peace and quiet; a little space. I say something like, "Dad had a really difficult day at work. Let's give him a little bit of space, okay, kids?" Then they run off and I listen to him vent for a bit. Then he's over it.

[Belacqua]

I agree with the Feed Him suggestion. Even if it doesn't work, you've got cookies.

 

My husband's work stress is cyclical and predictable, so I just expect that certain times of year are going to be grumpier than others. I figure if he can put up with my cycles, I can deal with his. That's just mild grouchiness, though. Serious unpleasantness or nasty attitudes would not get cookies and understanding.

[Hannah C.]

Just wanted to say this is a really helpful thread! :bigear: