Weird or not? Dress code at dd's friend's house...

[elegantlion]

I wouldn't have issue with the pool rules on the surface. However, they are asking you to invest into totally different swim wear just for their house. If we had a dd, for this summer at least, she'd only be able to have one swimsuit for economical reasons. That would bother me. Sure she could throw on a t-shirt, but still... Does the ds wear a t-shirt while swimming. Modesty does work both ways.

 

Her dd's remarks to your dd would bother me most.

 

And no good friends don't have to talk every day. In the long run, that type of attitude toward friendship may end up costing more friendships than it gains.

[Audrey]

The tankini that dd has actually covers MORE than her one-piece. The bottoms are like "shorts" and the top part is less low cut that her one piece. Mom was concerned b/c when dd lifted her arms her abdomen showed as did her "hip area". Umm...okay.

 

 

It think it's creepy that the mom ogles your daughter so closely. You also said "the whole family creeps me out."

 

Moms have instincts for a reason. I would go with your instinct on this.

[MissKNG]

I'm surprised at how harsh some are being for a family that's probably doing what they believe is best for their children and God.

 

:iagree: The family's intentions are probably what they believe are best. I'm sure people would think some stuff we do is nuts just as I would think the same thing about other people's families!

[mommaduck]

You're not, but plenty of people in this thread are, LOL. I find it sorta interesting that people are so, uh, judgmental about this family's personal decisions and perceived judgmentalism. Most of us posting are somewhat judgmental if we're honest. I'm surprised at how harsh some are being for a family that's probably doing what they believe is best for their children and God.

And most likely, unless they were raised that way themselves, they once held different views and these views may change or evolve in the future. I know I've been on both sides of this fence and have finally found my comfort zone (and I'm letting my children find theirs).

[EJCMom]

IMO, it would be one thing if the OP's daughter normally dressed immodestly and they were asking her not to dress immodestly in their home. But, what I'm getting from the post, is that she does normally dress modestly. They just don't think she dresses modestly enough. I think that's where the OP is coming from. There does come a point where it isn't just about maintaining standards in one's home, it crosses the line to controlling and being judgemental.

[Parrothead]

The fact that they're paying attention to your dd skirt length and the tightness of her shirts because they have a 13 yo boy is beyond icky. It sends a really creepy message to your dd, as if she were resonsible for any sexual thoughs their son has. It's one thing to control your child's dress, behavior, and friendships, it's another to insist their friends maintain the same standards.

 

Run away, or at least, allow their children to play at your house be not vice versa.

:iagree:I equate it as saying it is the woman's fault for being raped.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Parrothead

[poodlemama]

I'd be concerned about the message these people are sending your daughter. IE you and your family are not capable of making good choices regarding sexuality and attire. Also, agree with the person who said the mom should have addressed things with you not you dd. and I'd be concerned with the message that the mom is sending her son: "Your not responsible for your own sexual feeling people should all tiptoe around you so you never have any."

 

Sorry you have to deal with this icky situation. How do your children feel about the family?

 

Lindsey

[Impish]

I guess, then, that I would be the 'weird' friend to stay away from, since I've already said that I've asked kids to change when wearing something that they either hung out of, or made my Littles scream with terror (Princess especially) or had obscene words on it.

 

Oh well.

[tristangrace]

My ds12 told me that the mom told him that if he didn't call her ds13 EVERY day that he wasn't a TRUE friend b/c TRUE friends call every.day.

 

That's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally off-base. Dress code wouldn't phase me at all, but the bizarre-o relational stuff would be a big problem.

[Kathleen in VA]

Okay, it was a bit judgemental of me to make the comment about "covering his eyes." Agreed...I apologize. This whole family just creeps me out though. This dress code was simply the straw that broke the camels back for me. I would do the same as you, Imp...re: the offensive t-shirt or shirts too low cut. But the thing is...my dd doesn't dress immodestly! We are conservative here. Her skirts are not "too" short, her tops are not low-cut (not that she has cleavage yet, anyway) or too tight. Umm...aren't bathing suits tight? So, this is wear I take issue. Mom is judging US by setting this dress code. I've heard her dd make comments to my dd about her outfits before and how she would NEVER dress like that. "Oh goodness, those shorts are WAY too short!" or "I'm not allowed to wear halter tops. They are soooo immodest!". Stuff like that. I won't get into the other stuff. Too weird. But, I do have a choice here, you are all right. I can send her over to play or not. I'm leaning toward not from now on.

 

See, this is the part that bothers me. I understand "her house, her pool, her rules." That's reasonable. I also think she should offer cover-ups - bathing suits are not cheap! But I really do not like her dd's attitude. She is obviously just expressing views her mom has passed on to her. But I think her mom should also have passed on some manners as well, and a lot of graciousness towards others. Their lack of manners and grace is what would keep me from allowing any of my children over there again.

 

I think it sounds weird and kind of silly, but that's just my opinion. Her pool, her rules, sure...even if I thought it was ridiculous, I would go along with a person's house rules (or not allow my children to visit, which is where I'd be headed in your situation). What would get me here isn't the fact that she has rules you don't agree with, but the fact that she took it upon herself to tell YOUR dd what she is and isn't 'allowed' to wear. Excuse me, WHAT?!

 

I would have been mortified as a 13yo if somebody I barely knew (and who had no right!) took it upon themselves to tell me I was dressed immodestly, and I would be LIVID if somebody ever told my daughter how she was allowed to dress. If she has a house rule or preference, she should have called YOU and addressed it. YOU are the parent, and she had no right. Major crossing of boundaries, in my opinion.

 

:iagree:This is a matter for moms to discuss.

[milovany]

:iagree: The family's intentions are probably what they believe are best. I'm sure people would think some stuff we do is nuts just as I would think the same thing about other people's families!

 

Probably true of us, too. My girls want to get WholesomeWear suits! :D

[Parrothead]

I guess, then, that I would be the 'weird' friend to stay away from, since I've already said that I've asked kids to change when wearing something that they either hung out of, or made my Littles scream with terror (Princess especially) or had obscene words on it.

 

Oh well.

I think your situation is quite a different thing all together. Hanging out is immodest. Sue's daughter isn't doing that. Obscenities and scary things, whether it is a T-shirt or novelty item, that scares little kids needs to go.

[FaithManor]

I don't have a problem with what they have for house rules at their home. But, as the OP said in a follow up, the other teenage girl has made judgmental statements about her dd while in their home. That crosses the line because it is not that girl's place to attempt to place her personal convictions on someone else in the sanctity of the other person's home.

 

It is also inappropriate and definitely controlling for the mother to tell someone else's child, you must call everyday or you are not a true friend. Again, she is taking something that is not a clear Biblical directive but a matter of personal conviction or opinion and then attempting to circumvent the other parents. Many, many parents have rules about phone useage to keep teens from being on it all the time. She told the child he must call everyday. That's bypassing the parental authority of the OP. These two things are highly inappropriate and this is coming from someone who takes a strong stand on modesty in our home.

 

That said, one is absolutely, according to the apostle Paul, not to place a stumbling block for another brother nor place one's own convictions on another. So, the OP can either end contact because it isn't appropriate for her children or have her dd follow their house rules when at their house but make it clear to the other parents that by respecting them, that respect must then also be reciprocated. The appropriate thing for the other family to do is either not mix with others that make them so uncomfortable and be honest about it, or stop trying to force feed their personal convictions on others and especially when that crosses the line of parental authority as in the daily phone call thing.

 

Faith

[mommaduck]

...I think her mom should also have passed on some manners as well, and a lot of graciousness towards others. Their lack of manners and grace is what would keep me from allowing any of my children over there again.

:iagree:This is a matter for moms to discuss.

:iagree:

[Amy loves Bud]

It think it's creepy that the mom ogles your daughter so closely. You also said "the whole family creeps me out."

 

Moms have instincts for a reason. I would go with your instinct on this.

 

This. I don't have a problem with people setting rules for their own homes. I once considered banning bikinis in our pool because - gee whiz- could we leave less to the imagination? But then I decided it was more trouble than it was worth. Their house, their rules. No problem. We allow food in our living room, but I expect my kids to follow no food out of the kitchen rules in other houses.

 

HOWEVER, if your instincts tell you it's not a cool situation, I would distance myself and my children. Go with your instincts.

[FaithManor]

And to IMP, I don't blame you about the shirts with sayings. Obscenity, is obscenity and you aren't making a judgment against the other family you are just saying that it scares the littles and please turn the shirt inside out. If it's in a PG-13 or R movie, then it shouldn't be around young children. That's what the rating system is for and I sure wish there was a rating system for shirts and BUMPER STICKERS!

 

How we handle things, more times than not is equally as important, if not more so, than the issue itself.

 

So, please IMP, don't take my comments as a diatribe on your protecting Princess.

 

Faith

[Alenee]

Probably true of us, too. My girls want to get WholesomeWear suits! :D

 

Yes, my dd just saw a friend wearing one last week and wanted one for herself. We haven't made modesty a huge deal around here. We've talked about covering up and not wearing things that are suggestive. We're not freaky but have respect for our bodies and the ability to place stumbling blocks out there for others. The girls understand this completely and have a ton more respect for their bodies than I ever did as a teen. It has been nothing but positive.

 

I have no idea why one would think it's 'freaky' to have respect for one's body or to want to protect both parties from undue stress.

[msjones]

For the record, y'all can wear just about whatever you like when you come to my house.

 

But...I'm trying to see things from this gal's point of view. Could it be that she's just avoiding the 'slippery slope' with 2-piece suits? I can see where, if lots of kids are coming and going, it would be simplest to just say "no 2-piece suits, no matter the style." Maybe she just didn't realize how she came across? I've certainly put my foot

 

I certainly don't think she should have approached your daughter, however. I can't imagine treating one of my children's friends that way.

 

If I were you, I'd have these kids over to my house in the future, rather than sending my kids to her.

[Mrs Mungo]

But that's just it. From the OP's original statements, they aren't telling the girl to have different choices outside their home but that they have rules inside THEIR home.

 

If you invited an adult female friend over for coffee, would you tell her how to dress? Let's say you regularly have over a particular friend and maybe she wears a tank top or a shirt that shows more cleavage than you are comfortable with. Would you ask her to adhere to a dress code? Or would you just stop inviting her? Which do you think is more respectful? If you had to ask an adult to adhere to a dress code, do you think the friendship would survive, ultimately?

 

I think you can respectfully ask someone not to smoke in your home or not to swear in your home. I don't think there is a respectful way to tell someone else how to dress in your home.

 

Ands really, legalism refers to how one obtains salvation, not about rules within a person's home.

 

From a *theology* perspective that is true. However, from a general usage perspective, that's not the only definition. "strict adherence, or theprinciple of strict adherence, to law or prescription, esp. to the letterrather than the spirit."

[HeatherInWI]

My ds12 told me that the mom told him that if he didn't call her ds13 EVERY day that he wasn't a TRUE friend b/c TRUE friends call every.day. :001_huh:

 

:confused: The phone thing I'd have to label as a bit on the nuts side. I can't imagine having the time to call all of my true friends every day! Maybe she has very few relationships?

 

On the clothing, I'd go for having your daughter dress to fit in at their house if she's going there. We're not "dresses only", but when my dd plays at a "dresses only" family's house, she wears a (below the knees) dress. It's just basic good manners. And, as the mother of a teenage boy who gets annoyed at the skimpy clothing that so many girls wear (I'm guessing that a lot of them never realize why the "nice" boys don't like them), I can understand why they might have those rules for their home, though my daughter wears a modest "shorts and top" type two-piece from Lands' End. I guess if my daughter wanted to use their pool, I'd have her wear her brother's (larger) swim shirt to make sure she was completely covered.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well....hmmmm....

 

I guess I agree with "her house/pool, her rules." But I can't imagine your daughter getting the message "I'm not allowed to...." If I had a real issue with something, I'd tell the mom, not the kid. I never would dream of saying it to the kid.

 

I *do* think it's wise to be mindful of other people's standards. First, we wouldn't want to stumble anyone. But additionally, why not make people comfy? So at one time, we allowed our kids to participate in a controversial thing. However, when we went to the homeschool skate or people's houses, my kids didn't wear clothing depicting that. It's just a matter of being respectful, imo.

 

As for my children's relationship with people like these (who do seem odd and inappropriate)? Well, I would allow my kids to make their own decisions. However, I would discuss openly these situations and others that come up. They still need guidance and encouragement even if you allow them the freedom of choice regarding this.

[mommaduck]

"strict adherence, or theprinciple of strict adherence, to law or prescription, esp. to the letterrather than the spirit."

I agree with this definition.

 

I have had people worried that they should wear a skirt around me or when coming to my house. I let them know that they are to come AS THEY ARE and that my choices are just that, MY choices. My friendship with anyone is not based on what they do or don't wear and I would HOPE that they would feel the same about me (I get so tired of the "she's legalistic", "she's liberal" arguments...I'm always too one for some people and too another for others. So I do my own thing ;) ).

Edited August 2, 2010 by mommaduck

[MissKNG]

I guess, then, that I would be the 'weird' friend to stay away from, since I've already said that I've asked kids to change when wearing something that they either hung out of, or made my Littles scream with terror (Princess especially) or had obscene words on it.

 

Oh well.

 

 

I'll join you!!

 

For example, when my girls are going either my brother or sister's houses to be watched, I specifically say "no Y-7 or above TV shows". Their kids like to watch those types of shows and they are older, but I don't think they are appropriate.

[Impish]

I think your situation is quite a different thing all together. Hanging out is immodest. Sue's daughter isn't doing that. Obscenities and scary things, whether it is a T-shirt or novelty item, that scares little kids needs to go.

I understand and believe Sue when she said her daughter dresses modestly.

 

What I'm saying is, obviously the parents didn't have a problem with the way their child was dressed, I did, so there's no real difference btwn me and the family Sue is dealing with, if its a matter of having a 'dress code' for visiting kids.

 

I never heard from the other parents involved, but it wouldn't surprise me if they'd dismissed me as 'a weird homeschooler'. :lol:

[MissKNG]

 

I never heard from the other parents involved, but it wouldn't surprise me if they'd dismissed me as 'a weird homeschooler'. :lol:

 

Off topic but some people think I'm wierd BECAUSE I home school! :tongue_smilie:

[Alenee]

If you invited an adult female friend over for coffee, would you tell her how to dress? Let's say you regularly have over a particular friend and maybe she wears a tank top or a shirt that shows more cleavage than you are comfortable with. Would you ask her to adhere to a dress code? Or would you just stop inviting her? Which do you think is more respectful? If you had to ask an adult to adhere to a dress code, do you think the friendship would survive, ultimately?

 

I think you can respectfully ask someone not to smoke in your home or not to swear in your home. I don't think there is a respectful way to tell someone else how to dress in your home.

 

 

 

From a *theology* perspective that is true. However, from a general usage perspective, that's not the only definition. "strict adherence, or theprinciple of strict adherence, to law or prescription, esp. to the letterrather than the spirit."

 

If it were a habit, I would probably say something, eta, "Why bother with that type of clothing?" I wouldn't put restrictions on her though. If she's a real friend, she already understands this about us. I've actually asked my own friends if what I had on was too revealing. So this is not an issue for me. As I said, if we're *really* friends, it wouldn't be an issue. And as for respect, in a case like this it is more respectful to be honest rather than not asking them over anymore. How many threads have we seen where a person is hurt because some friend just stopped calling and they didn't know why? Honesty, respectfully, is best. Though you can only be responsible for how you act. How the other person reacts is up to them.

 

editing again, I would never NOT invite someone over because of their clothing choices though...Their attitudes, speech, behavior, yes...but clothing, no.

Edited August 2, 2010 by Alenee

[Mom0012]

I would stop letting dd hang out over there. If the mom asked why, I would let her know that I don't plan on having my dd abide by someone else's dress code, but her kids are still free to play at my house, if she doesn't mind their attire. That's just me.

 

:iagree: If my daughter was dressed conservatively and another family had judged that it was not to their "higher" standards, then I would prefer for the kids to just play at our house. However, if that was going to damage the relationship and this was an important one to my daughter, I would let her make the call about whether she wanted to comply with the dress code or not. I'm assuming we're talking teens here?

 

Lisa

[LG Gone Wild]

I get super strict dress codes and am not fazed by them but that family doesn't sound like good people to me. In fact, there is something dishonest about it. I can't put my finger on it but perhaps somebody else can.

 

And I really dislike this whole emphasis on being vigilant about the girls and not the boys. Cover up your daughters because our boys might lose their mind! How about cover up your boys so my girls aren't treated to views of your boys' wares either? There is a lot of concern over necklines and hemlines but boys also dress suggestively. Not just the whole underwear hanging out but the "V" to the "P" as well. Sincere dress codes have modest dress for both sexes. Chastity and modesty are emphasized for both not solely women's burden.

 

Sorry, got a little hot under the collar there.

 

Truthfully, I don't really care that much. I am more of a "don't look like a fool when you leave the house" mom.

[mommaduck]

I understand and believe Sue when she said her daughter dresses modestly.

From what I remember they dress just fine...modest and normal ;)

[Joanne]

I have no idea why one would think it's 'freaky' to have respect for one's body or to want to protect both parties from undue stress.

 

 

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

I don't believe it's the woman's responsibility to prevent men from having sexual thoughts (and, in that respect, I am not just concerned with conservative Christians, but also conservatives in other faith traditions). However, I also don't think men are that weak OR that sexual thoughts/interest evil.

[Melissa in Australia]

The homeschoolers around my area are like that. when I first started homeschooling, my oldest ds was 10. I went and visited a family who sold math curricula, they had 5 girls. after I bought some math, I was asked not to come back, as they didn't want any teen pregnancies????

another family I use to visit would make all there girls sit in the bedroom while I visited, in case contact with my boys would bring forth romance. It makes my boys sound like some kind of maniacs, but my boys weren't even remotely interested in girls. in fact they really weren't interested in any one's gender, just how well they could bat a ball, or ride a bike.

[Alenee]

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

I don't believe it's the woman's responsibility to prevent men from having sexual thoughts (and, in that respect, I am not just concerned with conservative Christians, but also conservatives in other faith traditions). However, I also don't think men are that weak OR that sexual thoughts/interest evil.

 

:001_huh:

[mommaduck]

The homeschoolers around my area are like that. when I first started homeschooling, my oldest ds was 10. I went and visited a family who sold math curricula, they had 5 girls. after I bought some math, I was asked not to come back, as they didn't want any teen pregnancies????

another family I use to visit would make all there girls sit in the bedroom while I visited, in case contact with my boys would bring forth romance. It makes my boys sound like some kind of maniacs, but my boys weren't even remotely interested in girls. in fact they really weren't interested in any one's gender, just how well they could bat a ball, or ride a bike.

:scared: Ack, it's a boy! Run, hide!

[Supertechmom]

I could maybe understand if the mother had addressed this with you (once) in a private, respectful, mother-to-mother discussion. I don't think the mother had any right to address this with your daughter.

 

The shaming and the lack of boundaries in that home sound just awful, and I wouldn't let my daughter be subjected to all that negativity anymore.

 

 

i grew up under this type of stuff and you are spot on!

 

Honestly, if she has to make rules about what other people can wear to be in their home, they should just not invite people over. I don't get that. If I thought someone was dressing immodestly everytime they came to my house and it was a problem, I wouldn't have them come over anymore. I would not tell them how to dress.

 

I do understand the whole bikini thing to a point. But as someone else said, if your going to be so strict about it, why have mixed swimming in the first place?

 

:iagree:

 

 

I hate the whole swim suit thing. One pieces are stupid now with their high cut legs, low cut back and falling cleavage and cover far less than our usual swim attire which is swim shirts and swim shorts but if you want a one piece..... I'll wear it. I personally don't consider one pieces modest. I don't want my girl' stuff or my stuff hanging out for the world to see. And swim shorts and swim shirts are awesome at coverage... no back to see, no books to view, and the leg is nicely covered with some to spare.

 

But I did grow up like this and still have some issues over it:lol: Boys running around with no shirt and shorts to this day make me mad! Shouldn't they cover their beautiful, gleaming pecs? OR are only girls required to maintain modesty? I grew up understanding that it is 100% my fault for every guy that looks at me the wrong way or thinks the wrong thoughts because I didn't dress in a way to "help" him with that. And yea, I am way past that way of thinking now. :D

 

 

BUt my husband sums it up best, if someone has issues with this sort of thing, then they do not need to put them self in that situation to begin with. Pools and beaches are going to attract half naked people. THat is their problem. The rest of the world shouldn't have to get a memo dictating the dress code because of their issues with it. If a person shows up and is beyond your comfort level of modest, then don't invite them back. Take your boys aside and tell them "Hey they are over the top and you guys need to make yourself scarce til they leave or cover up when we go inside. Just be nice and polite and act like you are busy with something else. Let's not hurt feelings or make our guest uncomfortable because they don't fit the standard we have made" Sort of the gracious hostess thing. Make your guests comfortable but still maintain the level for the kids.

 

Make excuses but just don't have them back.

[milovany]

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

 

The boy just turned 13. I can see the parents still working on his developing sexuality and how they want to approach things over the next few years. Like Mommaduck said, people learn and grow. If he's the oldest boy, they've never been the parents of a teen boy before. I have a 16 year old son, and had no brothers and I'm doing a lot of learning and growing! I've probably messed up some. So maybe they'll do some things that other people might not deem proper/best, but that doesn't make them freaky. They do have the right as parents to parent as they see fit. God did make them HIS parents, and it sounds like they're seeking him in the ways they know how.

 

That doesn't mean anyone has to subject their family/kids to their ways. But we don't have to be so harsh and judgmental.

[Alenee]

 

 

I hate the whole swim suit thing. One pieces are stupid now with their high cut legs, low cut back and falling cleavage and cover far less than our usual swim attire which is swim shirts and swim shorts but if you want a one piece..... I'll wear it. I personally don't consider one pieces modest. I don't want my girl' stuff or my stuff hanging out for the world to see. And swim shorts and swim shirts are awesome at coverage... no back to see, no books to view, and the leg is nicely covered with some to spare.

 

But I did grow up like this and still have some issues over it:lol: Boys running around with no shirt and shorts to this day make me mad! Shouldn't they cover their beautiful, gleaming pecs? OR are only girls required to maintain modesty? I grew up understanding that it is 100% my fault for every guy that looks at me the wrong way or thinks the wrong thoughts because I didn't dress in a way to "help" him with that. And yea, I am way past that way of thinking now. :D

 

 

BUt my husband sums it up best, if someone has issues with this sort of thing, then they do not need to put them self in that situation to begin with. Pools and beaches are going to attract half naked people. THat is their problem. The rest of the world shouldn't have to get a memo dictating the dress code because of their issues with it. If a person shows up and is beyond your comfort level of modest, then don't invite them back. Take your boys aside and tell them "Hey they are over the top and you guys need to make yourself scarce til they leave or cover up when we go inside. Just be nice and polite and act like you are busy with something else. Let's not hurt feelings or make our guest uncomfortable because they don't fit the standard we have made" Sort of the gracious hostess thing. Make your guests comfortable but still maintain the level for the kids.

 

Make excuses but just don't have them back.

 

I like your dh's response. Very healthy!

 

This reminded me too of a recent pool party. ALL of the boys with the exception of one had on shorts AND swim shirts. I was impressed.:) Like I said in one of my posts, it's a two way street!

[Parrothead]

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

I don't believe it's the woman's responsibility to prevent men from having sexual thoughts (and, in that respect, I am not just concerned with conservative Christians, but also conservatives in other faith traditions). However, I also don't think men are that weak OR that sexual thoughts/interest evil.

The bolded is a whole 'nuther thread. But I agree with you 100%

[Nakia]

I agree with everyone who has said the mom should have spoken directly to you, Sue. It's weird and totally inappropriate that she confronted your dd about it.

 

The homeschoolers around my area are like that. when I first started homeschooling, my oldest ds was 10. I went and visited a family who sold math curricula, they had 5 girls. after I bought some math, I was asked not to come back, as they didn't want any teen pregnancies????

another family I use to visit would make all there girls sit in the bedroom while I visited, in case contact with my boys would bring forth romance. It makes my boys sound like some kind of maniacs, but my boys weren't even remotely interested in girls. in fact they really weren't interested in any one's gender, just how well they could bat a ball, or ride a bike.

 

This is almost funny. I mean, really???? How bizarre!! One of my good friends has 3 sons close in age to my daughters, and they are all the best of friends. I just cannot imagine being so over-protective and paranoid.

[Nakia]

Also, I don't remember what page it was on, but someone said something along the lines of requiring everyone to wear a t-shirt over their swimsuits. How is that modest? Geez...

[poodlemama]

I have an idea. I don't equate super-modesty as "respect for one's body". I don't equate attractiveness, including sexual in teens, as "undue stress". I think the level of denial of normal biology in the family depicted in the OP is pathological. And counter-productive.

 

I don't believe it's the woman's responsibility to prevent men from having sexual thoughts (and, in that respect, I am not just concerned with conservative Christians, but also conservatives in other faith traditions). However, I also don't think men are that weak OR that sexual thoughts/interest evil.

 

 

Amen sister!:iagree:

[JennyD]

That's reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally off-base. Dress code wouldn't phase me at all, but the bizarre-o relational stuff would be a big problem.

 

:iagree:

[milovany]

Also, I don't remember what page it was on, but someone said something along the lines of requiring everyone to wear a t-shirt over their swimsuits. How is that modest? Geez...

 

I'm not understanding. How is that immodest?

[Parrothead]

I'm not understanding. How is that immodest?

Wet T-shirts? Wet, stick to the body T-shirts?

[mommaduck]

Wet T-shirts? Wet, stick to the body T-shirts?

I don't know, hubby grew up with all the women in his family wearing coloured t-shirts and shorts to swim in...trust me, none of them looked attractive in such attire and there was thankfully a lot less of them to look at than if they were in swimsuits.

[Nakia]

Wet T-shirts? Wet, stick to the body T-shirts?

 

Exactly. There is a reason people have wet t-shirt competitions.

[SapphireStitch]

This topic is near and not-terribly-dear to my heart lately because of some things our family has been through. Some thoughts, in bullet point form because I think better that way. :)

 

• Galatians 3:2-3 says "This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?" Paul was writing to Christians who believed they were saved by faith, but were relying on works and man-made rules to continue in their walk with Christ. IOW, legalism is not confined to salvation issues.

 

• In our family we talk to our kids A LOT about "God's rules" versus "family rules" and "family choices". For instance, my DS can't ride his bike outside of our neighborhood by himself; that's a family rule. We homeschool, that's a family choice. Neither of those issues are covered in the Bible, we can't impose those rules on other people no matter how sensible or wonderful we may think the rules are.

 

• Requiring certain apparel of our friends is imposing our family's rules on another person. We certainly have the right to choose not to invite people who we believe would be a terrible influence on our children. If the OP's friends have children who are going to be so easily stumbled by the sight of her daughter in a tankini, then they should not invite the daughter over...or perhaps only invite her for non-swimming activities.

 

• My personal opinion is that tankinis are often a lot more modest than one-piece suits, and from the OP's description her daughter's tankini sounds quite modest. My opinion really doesn't matter, though, because I don't make the rules for her kids.

 

• We know a family with lakefront property who only allow teens to engage in "mixed bathing" if all parties are dressed in street clothes. IOW, shorts and t-shirts or blouses. My DH finds this rule quite amusing; he says most teenage boys would find it more exciting to see a girl in a wet top and shorts over her undies rather than in a modest lycra swim suit that holds everything firmly in place.

 

• Friends can explain their family rules and choices to others, can offer kind constructive criticism of others' family rules IF ASKED. They cannot impose their rules on their friends.

 

• I am probably not as unbiased as I should be about this issue because we just made the decision to leave a church over issues relating to God's rules versus family rules. One of my children was being held accountable by church leadership for disobeying rules that we believe fall in the category of family rules. It goes beyond that, even, but I don't want to give more details in a public forum.

[Parrothead]

I don't know, hubby grew up with all the women in his family wearing coloured t-shirts and shorts to swim in...trust me, none of them looked attractive in such attire and there was thankfully a lot less of them to look at than if they were in swimsuits.

I'd pull up a photo of what is possible, but I don't want that crap on my computer. :D It can be very bad, and very immodest. Actually down right nasty if the girls are wearing white Ts.

[mommaduck]

Well stated, SapphireStitch.

[OnTheBrink]

I wouldn't have a problem with the dress code for swimming. I would have an issue with the "good friends call every day" thing. I think that overall, if the mom creeps you out, don't let your dd go over there.

 

My dd just got back from a Baptist camp. One of their rules was "no two piece swim suits". Well, her father just got her a tankini and I wasn't going to buy another suit, so I sent a t-shirt with her to use as a swim top if they said anything. She said she just wore it anyway, so no one had the chance to say anything. (They had other rules, like ONLY NKJ bibles, which I bucked, because we use NAS and I wasn't buying a new bible for 5 days at camp. So there. :tongue_smilie: They also said "no card games of any kind!" so I guess no one played Uno that week. LOL)

[mommaduck]

I'd pull up a photo of what is possible, but I don't want that crap on my computer. :D It can be very bad, and very immodest. Actually down right nasty if the girls are wearing white Ts.

I know that ;) I'm just saying that it can be done tastefully and with no exposure as well. One ultra conservative mennonite friend (though liberal by her community's standards) used to buy t-shirts (not white!) and coverall shorts for her girls to have as swimwear.