MIL-"we thought your ds needed more learning opportunities"

[even_star]

My MIL is visiting and told me today that she thought my ds6 needed more learning opportunities so they bought him some flashcards and workbooks. My response, "oh," and then left the room so as not to visibly show my irritation. How many 6yo boys do you know that will enjoy their "learning opportunity" of flashcards and workbooks? :confused: Because we're going to do our regular schoolwork and then bring out her extra workbooks??!! Argghh. I'm not going to try to prove to her that he's actually learning and that I have real, quality curriculum that's enjoyable to my son.

 

What do you ladies do? Just bite your tongues and say thank you? Some guidance in being kind and gracious would be most appreciative..

 

Thanks!

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

If you think it would be well-received, why not show her his actual learning materials?

 

Surely she will be able to see that his science kits, math manipulatives, art supplies, piles of storybooks, etc. are more interesting than flashcards and workbooks.

[myfunnybunch]

Maybe she was trying in an awkward way to show that she's supportive of what you're doing and is finding a way to "help." Is it possible that she meant well and said it badly?

 

I've found that a polite response is usually a good first tactic. "Thank you very much for thinking of us, MIL." You can always donate them after she leaves.

 

Cat

[Blueridge]

My parents tried for years to discourage us and our efforts to homeschool with excellence. :tongue_smilie: Of course, they meant well. So, I tried this...I kept back a few of her most beautiful handwriting papers and drawings and made sure they were hanging in plain sight for them to notice. Then, I found a simple poem or song for my dd to memorize, so that she had something to *display* for her grandparents. They loved being her audience, and that seemed to let them know that she was indeed learning something!

[Tullia]

My MIL is visiting and told me today that she thought my ds6 needed more learning opportunities so they bought him some flashcards and workbooks. My response, "oh," and then left the room so as not to visibly show my irritation. How many 6yo boys do you know that will enjoy their "learning opportunity" of flashcards and workbooks? :confused: Because we're going to do our regular schoolwork and then bring out her extra workbooks??!! Argghh. I'm not going to try to prove to her that he's actually learning and that I have real, quality curriculum that's enjoyable to my son.

 

What do you ladies do? Just bite your tongues and say thank you? Some guidance in being kind and gracious would be most appreciative..

 

Thanks!

 

BTDT; I'd suggest you say thank you with a big grin and use them...but maybe not the way she intended. Don't know if your ds is there yet, but when my son was about that age...maybe a tad older he loved to play teacher. He made up his own grade book, a list of school rules and several other things all on his own and used stuff out of the craft box. He assigned me workbook pages and flashcards. Sometimes I didn't answer correctly and he'd catch me out. He was learning and since he mirrored my teaching techniques I learned a lot too. ;)

 

It's easy for me to say to not take it too seriously because all that is years past for me. Ds is in college and the grandparents (some of whom kept serious doubts mostly but not entirely to themselves) have finally relaxed. I have relaxed too.

[*********]

What do you ladies do? Just bite your tongues and say thank you?

 

Yep.

 

When I started Kindy with Zee, my stepmother sent him one of those comprehensive curriculum workbooks; you know, the kind you find at Sams or Costco, that have shapes/coloring/letters/numbers, etc in them, and have a grade level designation on the front.

 

She included a note that she thought Zee would like to use the book 'when you and mommy play school'. :glare: Right mom, we 'play school'.

 

But, she meant well, so Zee and I thanked her for the book, and that was that. My parents are actually very supportive of our homeschooling, and I know she didn't mean anything by the comment. She was actually trying to show her support by sending the book.

 

Perhaps that's what your IL's are doing, in their own awkward way?

[starwarsmomma]

My inlaws and my mother buy flashcards, workbooks all the time.

 

I dont mind. If it doesn't fit into my curriculum, I just leave it on the shelf, and let the kids play with them. Sometimes they'll get into them and play school, and I let them do whatever. It's not part of "school", just extra.

 

I also throw them in the car. Sometimes the kids get bored and will do them there too.

 

 

 

There have been a few times where MIL or mom has said that they were going to pick up xxx workbook, and I'll say, "great idea. While your'e there, would you look for books on the solar system? I'm having a hard time finding any good one's around here".... and steer them in the direction of what we need or want. LOL

 

They just want to help. I think it's sweet. (as long as they don't cross that line. LOL)

[prairiebird]

We'll send the occasional written thing or photos of a project every few weeks to my MIL and FIL so they cool off on asking questions. They'll still pick up 'things' for us, like dollar store workbooks or any number of fairly commercial educational activities or booklets. I keep them on a shelf and the kids will pull them down and work on them if they feel like it. Some of them are good for waiting for appointments and stuff like that where they really can't concentrate enough to learn, but want 'busy work'.

 

Honestly, I'd leave it be unless they are constantly harping you on failing your kids. When my MIL does that, it's because she doesn't really understand what I'm doing, she worries because it's different from what she knows, but she wants to be supportive and she understands flash cards and workbooks. Your situation sounds similar to this- a relative that doesn't quite get it but wants to show that she supports and loves you, so they'll buy these random things for you that don't really fit in.

 

Last year, my dad randomly brought me a globe and my aunt sent them a subscription to National Geographic Kids on the same line of thinking. They both said something regarding it 'helping us with school.' It wasn't that they thought I was failing them and doing things wrong, but they just wanted to help and are familiar with the things they grew up with at public and catholic school.

[Jen in PA]

How about thanking her for the nice materials, and adding in a comment about the steep price of other learning opportunities .... like a museum membership.:D See if she'll be worried enough to spring for that!

[2cents]

Whoo hoo! As long as she's buying, I'd give her a homeschool wish list!!! This is a great opportunity to get some stuff you'll really use. ;)

[even_star]

Thanks for all your great replies. We know dh parent's aren't supportive of our homeschooling and MIL is very outspoken and believes that her way is best and loves to impart her 'wisdom and advice' to all, whether asked for our not. I'm pretty quiet and laid back and usually just nod and smile - but sometimes - I wish I could just tell her how I really feel.

 

I've tried to bring up/show her our actual books, kits, manipulatives etc, but the funny thing is, she then acts completely disinterested and changes the subject. I know alot of you have dealt with the same and don't want to go on a MIL rant -she really is great when the subject doesn't involve hs, etc.

 

I'll probably give the workbooks to my 3yo to scribble in when he pretends to "do school." :)

[charmama4]

I think it's awesome of your MIL to take an active role in her granddc education...sort of speak:tongue_smilie:. No seriously though, she went out and thoughtfully purchased something educational. Granted, not exactly what YOU would have pick out but it's the thought, right?

 

It's unfortunate when I hear from these boards the unsupportiveness from parents, family, and friends. I can't imagine. It saddens me really. And you have a MIL that is trying and you wondering what to do? Thank you her, silly!!

 

Have you talked to her about your curic. choices? Maybe she'll get more of better idea of what to look for when she's looking in stores or catalogs.

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

I have a close friend who is the same age as my mother. Judy is a constant reminder that women her age often have no idea what we are doing all day!

 

They didn't SAHM, so what we do with our little ones all day is not familiar. They didn't homeschool, and they haven't been to elementary school themselves for a very long time. They don't know about educational theories, either, especially about classical homeschooling or CM language arts or whatever.

 

As a PP said, workbooks and flashcards are familiar. Judy has given me the lamest stuff sometimes! It will be something intended for preschoolers, or something that has the word "educational" somewhere on the label.

 

My mother has a better idea of what I'm doing, because she always wanted to homeschool and she reads about it often. Also, all five of her daughters and daughters-in-law homeschool. She could (and has) pinch-hit for a science lesson or a math lesson, but I wouldn't expect her to know why or how we do some things.

[even_star]

 

When my MIL does that, it's because she doesn't really understand what I'm doing, she worries because it's different from what she knows, but she wants to be supportive and she understands flash cards and workbooks. Your situation sounds similar to this- a relative that doesn't quite get it but wants to show that she supports and loves you, so they'll buy these random things for you that don't really fit in.

 

It wasn't that they thought I was failing them and doing things wrong, but they just wanted to help and are familiar with the things they grew up with at public and catholic school.

 

This is so true, it's what is familiar to them and the way that they remember learning in school. Thank's for reminding me of this and to keep a clear perspective.

[Whereneverever]

Sounds like a misguided attempt to help- or a passive aggressive move. Either way, it's extra stuff for the kids to play with. My 6 year old is actually a huge flash card and workbook fan- she brings them upstairs during quiet time to play with. :tongue_smilie:

[even_star]

 

On top of that sometimes grandparents need something to brag about to the grandparents. Their friends can say that little Jimmy just got an A on a spelling test or recently did a project about Indians....... What can your in-laws say? It would be tough to hear that and have no way to respond or brag on your own little grandchild. So give them some grandparent fodder! We do "grandparents Day" each year and invite them in to see projects, hear poems recited and eat some really good dip;) I think it helps the grandparents (and other relatives) a lot and the kids have a blast showing off their accomplishments to someone other than me.

 

Something else that has never occurred to me.. Great idea, thanks!

[Barry Goldwater]

How about thanking her for the nice materials, and adding in a comment about the steep price of other learning opportunities .... like a museum membership.:D See if she'll be worried enough to spring for that!

 

That's a great idea!

 

I think she means well, but doesn't understand how to help in the way that you want.

 

We had to have a 'talk' with my mother years ago about constantly buying crummy plastic junk toys/stuffed animals for our kids...we have a small house, lots of kids, ugh! But we gently encouraged her to save up for some 'quality' items for 'occasional' gifts that also serve to teach...she really loves our girls and wanted to express it somehow, and this actually worked really well...she's really gotten good at finding 'toys that teach' and of a decent quality so that they last (think tinker toys, legos, craft kits and the like).

 

Will she respond to gentle direction to actually provide real help?

[even_star]

It's unfortunate when I hear from these boards the unsupportiveness from parents, family, and friends. I can't imagine. It saddens me really. And you have a MIL that is trying and you wondering what to do? Thank you her, silly!!

QUOTE]

 

Ha! Thank you for the reminder to count my blessings! I clearly needed it this am.

[LibraryLover]

The flash cards could come in handy someday, depending. And some people do use workbooks. Some kids even go through a period of wanting to use them...:tongue_smilie:

 

I agree, at least she was thinking about you all, in her own awkward way. She may well come around.

[Marylou]

Will she respond to gentle direction to actually provide real help?

 

 

If so, wrap a Rainbow Resource catalog and give her a gift!

[m0mmaBuck]

My MIL teaches at a local private school and wanted me to use A Beka for everything. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't just use what they use. She would frequently bring "extras" home to me... everything from unused and partially used workbooks to copies of what they did today at school to flashcards/games/books that the school was getting rid of... I would just sort through the pile for things I thought we might use and have her return the rest to the school. At first she was offended that I didn't want every A Beka workbook and reader she brought home, but now she sees it as a treasure hunt. She has even scored some great finds like a globe and some fun learning games.

 

Maybe you could do something like that with the things your MIL brings you. I'm sure there are a few things that you could use (turn flashcards into a game, use workbooks in the car or for a change of pace, etc.) and then politely direct her toward things that are more in line with what you use.

[NorthwestMom]

I would say, "Thanks! Why don't you sit with DS right now and do some flashcards!" and then I'd skedaddle.

 

:rolleyes:

Edited July 28, 2010 by NorthwestMom
punctuation and spelling

[Garga]

I would say, "Thanks! Why don't you sit with DS right now and so some flashcards!" and then I'd skedaddle.

 

:rolleyes:

 

I like that one!

[TxMama]

First I said, "Thank you!".

 

Then I started a blog and shared it with her. She really didn't have a clue what we did all day but now that she has a clearer picture she tends to bring gifts that are more likely to be used.

 

Now there are less workbooks and more science kits, art supplies and she really is good at scouting library sales for books that are related to our history studies.

[Cricket]

I'll probably give the workbooks to my 3yo to

scribble in when he pretends to "do school." :)

 

This is exactly what I would do! Even if I knew I couldn't use it for my older ones, I'd be polite and say thank you and then let my 4 yo have it--after MIL left, of course.

[Pretty in Pink]

I would smile and thank her sincerely for her interest in my child's education. Then I would ask that in the future she would consider consulting me before making such purchases so that I could let her know what sorts of items we are in need of.

 

My MIL likes to pick up flash cards and that sort of thing when she sees them on sale. We don't really use flashcards but I know she means well so I thank her for the thought and put them up with the games for the kids to play with. I do make time to show her some of the things we do use and discuss needs/wants with her, and she appreciates the input.

[lynn]

Maybe she was trying in an awkward way to show that she's supportive of what you're doing and is finding a way to "help." Is it possible that she meant well and said it badly?

 

I've found that a polite response is usually a good first tactic. "Thank you very much for thinking of us, MIL." You can always donate them after she leaves.

 

Cat

 

 

:iagree:

[Haiku]

Smile and say thank you. Offer to let her look at what ds is working on. This is nothing to get upset or offended about.

 

Tara

[Mommyof4ks]

Maybe she was trying in an awkward way to show that she's supportive of what you're doing and is finding a way to "help." Is it possible that she meant well and said it badly?

 

I've found that a polite response is usually a good first tactic. "Thank you very much for thinking of us, MIL." You can always donate them after she leaves.

 

Cat

 

This is what I do also. I smile, thank them, and then pass their 'helpful tools' onto someone else. I think they really do want show some support (after years of not doing so), but they don't 'get' what we do.

[southcarolinamom]

There have been a few times where MIL or mom has said that they were going to pick up xxx workbook, and I'll say, "great idea. While your'e there, would you look for books on the solar system? I'm having a hard time finding any good one's around here".... and steer them in the direction of what we need or want. LOL

 

They just want to help. I think it's sweet. (as long as they don't cross that line. LOL)

 

 

This is excellent advice!! :)

[Sebastian (a lady)]

My MIL is visiting and told me today that she thought my ds6 needed more learning opportunities so they bought him some flashcards and workbooks. My response, "oh," and then left the room so as not to visibly show my irritation. How many 6yo boys do you know that will enjoy their "learning opportunity" of flashcards and workbooks? :confused: Because we're going to do our regular schoolwork and then bring out her extra workbooks??!! Argghh. I'm not going to try to prove to her that he's actually learning and that I have real, quality curriculum that's enjoyable to my son.

 

What do you ladies do? Just bite your tongues and say thank you? Some guidance in being kind and gracious would be most appreciative..

 

Thanks!

 

DH's very sweet grandmother had been a teacher's aide and a tutor until she passsed away with cancer in her 70's. Shortly after this, we started homeschooling. At the same time, my youngest BIL was in college getting an education degree, as was his fiancee.

 

My MIL went through all of the easy reader books, phonics manipulatives, and even handwritten flashcards that her mom had accumulated over the years. And after asking if I could use them, she sent me a giant box of the stuff most appropriate to an early learner.

 

I am still so touched that she didn't just save it up for the "real teacher" as it might have been easy to consider my now SIL as the one who could use them. I still can't bear to part with most of it, even though my kids are well past that stage. And when we read a Dr Seuss book or another book from her collection, I make sure that I point out where her initials were embossed on the title page.

 

It's like getting a hug and a little whispered "You can do it". So rather than thinking that the gift was intended disapprovingly, think of it as an attempt to back you up in your efforts to teach your kids. You might even ask if they would be interested in getting some of the much coveted homeschooling extras that you haven't splurged on. (You could always send them a Timberdoodle catalog:D.)

[Mrs Mungo]

There have been a few times where MIL or mom has said that they were going to pick up xxx workbook, and I'll say, "great idea. While your'e there, would you look for books on the solar system? I'm having a hard time finding any good one's around here".... and steer them in the direction of what we need or want. LOL

 

They just want to help. I think it's sweet. (as long as they don't cross that line. LOL)

 

I tend to agree. My MIL is bad about picking up workbooks at Sam's Club or somewhere. I just pass them on or whatever, I don't use it as a reason to pick a fight. My mom is better about it. They will have a book fair at her school and she'll ask if I need anything specific.

 

 

This is excellent advice!! :)

 

You might even ask if they would be interested in getting some of the much coveted homeschooling extras that you haven't splurged on. (You could always send them a Timberdoodle catalog:D.)

 

Great idea!

[Desert Rat]

Ummm, my ds at that age adored flashcards and workbooks. Still does at 10. We have physics flashcards, famous monument flashcards..... Just sayin'.

As for what to say, well, if your MIL was well-intentioned just say "thank you." She meant well and she was thinking of your son.

If you feel she was being snarky, still say "thank you" and add that you are very happy with your curriculum choices but they may come in handy for your littles. They may like flashcards.

[elizabeth]

Thank her for the materials her support of your educational goals for her grandchildren and send her a tabbed copy from Rainbow Resource so you can give her a specific list since she is so excited about the kids' education!! Send her a copy of TWTM as well . You will never hear about school again.:lol:

[Sun]

My parents tried for years to discourage us and our efforts to homeschool with excellence. :tongue_smilie: Of course, they meant well. So, I tried this...I kept back a few of her most beautiful handwriting papers and drawings and made sure they were hanging in plain sight for them to notice. Then, I found a simple poem or song for my dd to memorize, so that she had something to *display* for her grandparents. They loved being her audience, and that seemed to let them know that she was indeed learning something!

 

I love this! I'm definitely planning on doing this. It's such a great way to let them know what's going on!

[Sun]

Yep.

 

When I started Kindy with Zee, my stepmother sent him one of those comprehensive curriculum workbooks; you know, the kind you find at Sams or Costco, that have shapes/coloring/letters/numbers, etc in them, and have a grade level designation on the front.

 

She included a note that she thought Zee would like to use the book 'when you and mommy play school'. :glare: Right mom, we 'play school'.

 

But, she meant well, so Zee and I thanked her for the book, and that was that. My parents are actually very supportive of our homeschooling, and I know she didn't mean anything by the comment. She was actually trying to show her support by sending the book.

 

Perhaps that's what your IL's are doing, in their own awkward way?

 

:iagree: When receiving a gift of any type, I always try to assume positive intentions (sometimes this is a stretch).