Please tell me about vasectomies

[sagira]

Experiences, immediate side effects, permanent side effects (if any), effectiveness, pain.. Anything would be truly helpful. Dh is only 31, but as we know 3 is the right number of children we have, he is considering it.

 

TIA!

[WishboneDawn]

:lurk5:

[momofkhm]

It was almost 10 years ago now. No long term effects. Short term effects were what they tell you. I think he lived that weekend on the couch with a bag of frozen peas. So far 100% effective. We did find out, rather dh found out, that he is resistant to whatever local they gave him. Not that it didn't work, but it did take longer/more than they thought it would. Since then, he's had the same issue with other things of the same sort - needed more/took longer.

[Lorax]

My husband says he was sore for about three days. He said the worst part about it was being shaved. They did the procedure on Friday and he was back at his desk job on Monday. He said you absolutely do not want to overdo and would not want to do anything the first day and would want to take it very easy for the next couple. An icepack or bag of frozen peas are highly recommended for swelling. His follow-up test came back clear. Good luck!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Dh had one after ds 2 was born at my request. I had a horrible pregnancy and didn't want to go through that ever again. We always knew we would adopt if we wanted more than 2.

 

The procedure these days is pretty quick and not too painful. Dh had a bit of bruising and was sore for a few days, but he iced the area, and he even went out with his cousin that evening for a little while. He wasn't traumatized by it at all.

[Prudent]

DH had an easy experience too.

 

The procedure was 20 minutes at most. There was swelling and bruising, mostly in the 1st 24 hours. DH took one prescribed pain pill and then maybe a couple ibuprofen after that. He had it done on a Friday evening after work and went back on Monday.

 

No lasting effects or problems.

 

One thing that was :confused: was the Dr told us he should be sterile after about 4 weeks or 20 'events.' That's not consistent with our research. Many men take 4 months or more for their fluid to be infertile. Sometimes even 6 months even if the procedure is performed properly.

 

We didn't take the 1st sample in for testing until 6 months, and both samples were sterile.

 

Based on what we read, if you start bringing in samples at 4 weeks, as the Dr requests, you may be bringing in samples every 2 weeks for a few months before 2 consecutive samples are sterile. We didn't want to be bothered, so we used other BC for 6 months and then got tested.

[sagira]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know one lady whose Dad had a hard time (never the same) and another who told me "no way" don't do that as you obstruct the plumbing and will cause cancer and other diseases.

 

I wanted to get opinions here, experiences to start my research. Dh was never one for thorough research. I think he's still struggling with feeling guilty for deliberately stopping what should be God's process. We're Catholic. However, we also know we don't want any more children and that my cycles are irregular as I nurse in terms of years, not months. We just had a surprise pregnancy, trying to avoid pregnancy. We want no more of those :)

 

Please keep them coming. The more I read the more I know. Thanks!

Edited July 21, 2010 by sagira

[Mad Jenny Flint]

It was easy peasy. If you're sure it's the right thing to stop having your own children, then go for it.

[fhjmom]

If you are sure you want no more children, make sure he does the follow-up checks.

[Lightly Salted]

It was almost 10 years ago now. No long term effects. Short term effects were what they tell you. I think he lived that weekend on the couch with a bag of frozen peas. So far 100% effective. We did find out, rather dh found out, that he is resistant to whatever local they gave him. Not that it didn't work, but it did take longer/more than they thought it would. Since then, he's had the same issue with other things of the same sort - needed more/took longer.

 

Those 3 days of rest are very, very, VERY important. It's very important to make them go straight home and rest, and not, oh, say ... go shopping at Wal-Mart and out to Wendy's because the pain-killing drugs have convinced them they're Superman and they can handle it. Because the antibiotic shots a few days later are really NOT fun. Just saying! :tongue_smilie:

 

Otherwise, the actual procedure was really pretty simple ...

[stephanie]

It was a very easy procedure-done in office @ our Urologist, and dh was fine after a few days. He did go to the follow-up appt.'s as to be sure of its effectiveness.

 

However, I feel I need to say this in order to be honest with you. We were 29 and had just had our 4th child. We had made the decision for dh to have the V during my last trimester...huge mistake. I tell my dh now that no woman should ever make a decision like that WHILE she's pregnant, or during the first year post-partum. Now I really would like to have more children, and we are unable. My baby is 8 now, and having a baby would probably be much easier for me now than it was when I was 29. My husband does not want to have anymore kids and is baffled by my feelings because I was the one who suggested for him to have the V. Obviously, he wouldn't understand my feelings as a woman ,but now there's really no going back. Yes, we know there are reversals, but they are not definite, and dh really isn't interested in going back to those "baby days". I just wish we would have never had the V because I would probably have another 2 babies by now. :tongue_smilie:

 

So please be very sure of your decision in this. It is a very helpful procedure, but shouldn't be based on circumstances at the time that will most certainly pass. If I could do it again then I would just practice birth control instead of doing something so permanent...at least until the baby was a couple of years old.

 

I hope you don't feel I'm discouraging you in any decision you may make. There are just more side effects than the obvious physical ones, and I hate for anyone to feel the way I do now. Hth!

[BridgeTea]

Our family physician required that we come in as a couple so he could explain the procedure (thoroughly!!) and answer any questions either of us had. That was very helpful. It was clear that he also wanted to be sure we were both on the same page in the family planning department. The office procedure was then scheduled, and went off quickly without a hitch.

 

MrTea has a very physical job, and was back at it after a couple of days planted on the couch with a bag of frozen peas. Do not forget to have frozen peas on hand. I believe a couple of beers may have been involved, as well. Oh, and loose shorts.

Edited July 21, 2010 by BridgeTea

[smrtmama]

My first husband had it done on a Friday and was completely fine by Monday.

[Parrothead]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know one lady whose Dad had a hard time (never the same) and another who told me "no way" don't do that as you obstruct the plumbing and will cause cancer and other diseases.

 

I wanted to get opinions here, experiences to start my research. Dh was never one for thorough research. I think he's still struggling with feeling guilty for deliberately stopping what should be God's process. We're Catholic. However, we also know we don't want any more children and that my cycles are irregular as I nurse in terms of years, not months. We just had a surprise pregnancy, trying to avoid pregnancy. We want no more of those :)

 

Please keep them coming. The more I read the more I know. Thanks!

Please, please read Humanae Vitae before your dh follows through with this. Find out what the Church's stance is on this. There are very good reasons for it and you won't find them doing medical research. Please pray about this with your dh.

[Luckymama]

Dh had his when youngest was about 1, so he was about 33 or 34. We had lost a baby before youngest and I knew I could never deal with that again. The vasectomy was a wonderful gift to our marriage.

[momofkhm]

Our family physician required that we come in as a couple so he could explain the procedure (thoroughly!!) and answer any questions either of us had. That was very helpful. It was clear that he also wanted to be sure we were both on the same page in the family planning department. The office procedure was then scheduled, and went off quickly without a hitch.

 

This was true for us as well. I even had to sign something saying it was ok. And then we canceled, the first time. Two years later, one more baby and it was all on again. Had to sign again.

[Rosy]

I'm another whose DH was in on Friday and back to work on Monday. He watched the entire first season of 24 that weekend. It was the only thing that would keep him in bed.

 

However, I feel I need to say this in order to be honest with you. We were 29 and had just had our 4th child. We had made the decision for dh to have the V during my last trimester...huge mistake. I tell my dh now that no woman should ever make a decision like that WHILE she's pregnant, or during the first year post-partum. Now I really would like to have more children, and we are unable. My baby is 8 now, and having a baby would probably be much easier for me now than it was when I was 29. My husband does not want to have anymore kids and is baffled by my feelings because I was the one who suggested for him to have the V. Obviously, he wouldn't understand my feelings as a woman ,but now there's really no going back. Yes, we know there are reversals, but they are not definite, and dh really isn't interested in going back to those "baby days". I just wish we would have never had the V because I would probably have another 2 babies by now. :tongue_smilie:

 

So please be very sure of your decision in this. It is a very helpful procedure, but shouldn't be based on circumstances at the time that will most certainly pass. If I could do it again then I would just practice birth control instead of doing something so permanent...at least until the baby was a couple of years old.

 

I hope you don't feel I'm discouraging you in any decision you may make. There are just more side effects than the obvious physical ones, and I hate for anyone to feel the way I do now. Hth!

I was 29 and still pregnant when he got his V, 5 years later neither of us has any regrets. We were very sure we were done, and have issues with birth control, so it was best to get it done. But yes, you should be really, really sure.

[Laura Corin]

A friend who had one was left with permanent pain. I'm sure that this is rare, but we were not keen to take the chance. I use the Mirena IUD, which has suited us very well, even though we have no wish to have another child.

 

Laura

[holdoll]

My husband says he was sore for about three days. He said the worst part about it was being shaved. They did the procedure on Friday and he was back at his desk job on Monday. He said you absolutely do not want to overdo and would not want to do anything the first day and would want to take it very easy for the next couple. An icepack or bag of frozen peas are highly recommended for swelling. His follow-up test came back clear. Good luck!

 

:iagree:

 

Dh had it done 11 years ago. I've heard it can reverse itself after 10 years. I sure hope that's just a rumor with no truth to it. EEK! Anyone know? :bigear:

[KJsMom]

DH had his on Friday and went back to work Monday. He was more sore than average because they had a hard time with one of the tubes (don't remember exactly why) but he recovered well. He tells me that getting hit in the groin hurts more now than it did before, but that may be just him. He exaggerates his own pain a little. :D

[Heather in OK]

My dh had one about four years ago. The procedure went really well (he slept through it). He was stuck on the couch with the cold pack for one day. After that he felt fairly normal but took it easy since there was A LOT of swelling. The only thing he's ever said negative is that there is less sensation when finishing.

[Nakia]

My husband had it done when I was pregnant with Cora. I agree with the pp who said not to make the decision while pregnant. I really regretted it after Cora was born, but now that she is almost five, I am mostly okay with it. My husband has no regrets at all.

 

As far as recovery, the 3 or 4 days of rest are soooooo important. My husband felt great the next day (due to pain meds of course) and decided to mow the grass and some other things around the house. Not a good idea. He swelled up like a softball, a giant purple softball. That set him back a few days. But overall, he did fine.

[Susan in TX]

I think he's still struggling with feeling guilty for deliberately stopping what should be God's process.

 

If your husband feels this way...even just a teeny bit, I do not think it would be wise for him to get a vasectomy. It really isn't a good thing to go against one's conscience. A vasectomy is permanent and he could end up regretting it for the rest of his life. I'd go with using a less permanent form of BC, until your DH is 100% sure he is OK with it.

 

Susan in TX

[fairfarmhand]

We had a cow that was ready to give birth around the time my dh had his Vasectomy scheduled. We waited and waited. The morning we left, he spoke to her as we drove out the driveway...."you can have that calf now!" Sure enough, when we got back, there was a calf on the ground.

 

I couldn't catch the stupid calf, so my dh got out there the next day to tag that thing. The momma cow was not happy, so dh had to carry the calf through a gate to care for it.

 

The next day, his "guys" turned black. He was miserable for a couple days because of that dumb old calf.

 

We named the calf "Ms. Murphy" after Murphy's law.

 

Just make sure your guy sits around for a good three days and he should be fine.

[LaissezFaire]

My Dh had one a year ago November. I think it's important to get the kind where they leave one tube open. It's severed but not blocked off so that there is somewhere for everything to go (it is absorbed back into the body). This will avoid blockage problems that some men have. My Dh was down for a couple days but then felt much better and hasn't had any issues. We elected not to go in and have him checked though, but so far I am not pregnant.:lol:

[Carrie12345]

This was true for us as well. I even had to sign something saying it was ok. And then we canceled, the first time. Two years later, one more baby and it was all on again. Had to sign again.

 

Same here (though he hasn't had it done yet. We've canceled at the last minute, twice!)

 

Personally, I think it's unfair. While the decision should *morally* be agreed upon by the couple, I can't stomach the idea of "owning" part of my husband's body. That's between him and his doctor. If we have a good marriage, it's a moot issue. If we don't, I shouldn't get any say, anyway!

[sagira]

However, I feel I need to say this in order to be honest with you. We were 29 and had just had our 4th child. We had made the decision for dh to have the V during my last trimester...huge mistake. I tell my dh now that no woman should ever make a decision like that WHILE she's pregnant, or during the first year post-partum. Now I really would like to have more children, and we are unable. My baby is 8 now, and having a baby would probably be much easier for me now than it was when I was 29. My husband does not want to have anymore kids and is baffled by my feelings because I was the one who suggested for him to have the V. Obviously, he wouldn't understand my feelings as a woman ,but now there's really no going back. Yes, we know there are reversals, but they are not definite, and dh really isn't interested in going back to those "baby days". I just wish we would have never had the V because I would probably have another 2 babies by now. :tongue_smilie:

 

So please be very sure of your decision in this. It is a very helpful procedure, but shouldn't be based on circumstances at the time that will most certainly pass. If I could do it again then I would just practice birth control instead of doing something so permanent...at least until the baby was a couple of years old.

 

I hope you don't feel I'm discouraging you in any decision you may make. There are just more side effects than the obvious physical ones, and I hate for anyone to feel the way I do now. Hth!

 

Thank you, Stephanie. I appreciate your concern. No, I don't feel you were discouraging me. On the contrary, I appreciate your sincerity too :grouphug:

 

That said, we were talking about a vasectomy before I conceived my surprise baby. We thought we were um.. taking certain precautions and to this day have no idea how it could have happened :001_huh: :confused: Oh well, God really wanted this baby :tongue_smilie:

 

Anyway, so now I'm scared. We are apparently very fertile. I'm only 33, and my mom wasn't done with her menopause until she was 54, as was her mom. That's a loooong way to be uncertain about something. I always saw myself as a mother of two, having grown up an only, and I'm still struggling to adapt to my pregnancy and having three kids :o

 

I am very, very sure, and so is dh, about not having any more children. However, it's the ethical/religious dilemma we struggle with. I am going to read what Parrothead sent me. Right after writing this. I'm curious. Thanks to everyone!

 

About the tube being still open, could the poster elaborate? If it's open, isn't that a chance to get pregnant anyway? What is that specific procedure called? Thanks!

[Dana]

Dh got one about 4-5 years ago. Recovery was fine (yea to frozen peas). Both our fathers had v's done back in 70s/80s and so dh got their stories as well - both did fine.

 

Unfortunately, dh has had a spermatocele probably from the vas. He had an ultrasound to check everything out and that's what we were told. So he's one who had a bit of a problem as a result. There's a lump which moves around and causes a bit of pain and aching.

 

Due to our experience, if I were giving birth, I'd get tubes tied at the same time. We chose the v. since it was a couple years after the pregnancy and it was a LOT cheaper.

 

Dh is still okay with having had it done, so he doesn't have any regrets. I just wish he didn't have the aching :(

[sagira]

Thanks for sharing your story, Dana. I can't have my tubes tied, as I'm having a home birth and have delivered both of my babies naturally and vaginally so far. Dh thinks it's only fair that after all I've been through with both (including a near death experience with ds number one halfway through my pregnancy and ten days in a hospital) that he get something done. Especially when he's sure. On the other hand he's a bit conflicted about doing something totally permanent. Off to read..

[3and3]

DH had his on Friday and went back to work Monday. He was more sore than average because they had a hard time with one of the tubes (don't remember exactly why) but he recovered well. He tells me that getting hit in the groin hurts more now than it did before, but that may be just him. He exaggerates his own pain a little. :D

 

My husband had the same problem, but he has tendency to exaggerate too. He is more sensitve in that area than before surgery though.

 

I would wait till you are no longer preg to make the your mind up though. I really wanted my dh to have it done when we were preg with Matthew,(my 6th preg) but he kept putting it off. We lost Matthew at 37weeks. I would have been even more devastated at the loss if we weren't able to have more. A year later God gave us twin boys. When they were 1 yo dh had V done. It was right for us our quiver is full. Plus my last 3 preg were difficult and I am over 35.:glare:

[sagira]

Please, please read Humanae Vitae before your dh follows through with this. Find out what the Church's stance is on this. There are very good reasons for it and you won't find them doing medical research. Please pray about this with your dh.

 

I read the whole letter. I struggled with this initially, and when we first got married, I was on the pill (as per my Catholic mom's suggestion) for two years. However, I noticed side effects I didn't like. I wasn't myself. I stopped, and we took up Natural Fertility Planning (NFP), which worked like a charm for 18 months. After that we let go and let God and the first time we did (literally one night) ds was born nine months later. NFP worked great for us.

 

However, I nursed my ds until he was 3 1/2 and had irregular periods and couldn't track for a while. I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to track ovulation anymore. I didn't resume my period until my ds was 13 months old. Did I still ovulate? I don't know.

 

Do I take up NFP again? Do I buy an ovulation predictor to prevent pregnancy? I don't know. Frankly, I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of taking care of three children (and educating them). NFP was something I did when I was childless, and on a more casual scale while I was taking care of my oldest and intentionally to conceive dd.

 

Gosh, no easy answers. I would enjoy not worrying, not plotting every month.. if it were just me, I would abstain altogether, but dh I'm sure wouldn't/couldn't have that. Should I pray that God never give me another child again? Has anyone done this?

 

Sigh. I really do. not. want. another. child. Neither does dh. I know, I'm pregnant now, but we felt this way before :(

[Parrothead]

I read the whole letter. I struggled with this initially, and when we first got married, I was on the pill (as per my Catholic mom's suggestion) for two years. However, I noticed side effects I didn't like. I wasn't myself. I stopped, and we took up Natural Fertility Planning (NFP), which worked like a charm for 18 months. After that we let go and let God and the first time we did (literally one night) ds was born nine months later. NFP worked great for us.

 

However, I nursed my ds until he was 3 1/2 and had irregular periods and couldn't track for a while. I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to track ovulation anymore. I didn't resume my period until my ds was 13 months old. Did I still ovulate? I don't know.

 

Do I take up NFP again? Do I buy an ovulation predictor to prevent pregnancy? I don't know. Frankly, I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of taking care of three children (and educating them). NFP was something I did when I was childless, and on a more casual scale while I was taking care of my oldest and intentionally to conceive dd.

 

Gosh, no easy answers. I would enjoy not worrying, not plotting every month.. if it were just me, I would abstain altogether, but dh I'm sure wouldn't/couldn't have that. Should I pray that God never give me another child again? Has anyone done this?

 

Sigh. I really do. not. want. another. child. Neither does dh. I know, I'm pregnant now, but we felt this way before :(

 

Yeah, you are right. It isn't an easy answer. There could be an easy answer. You could totally let go of the control and give it over to God. It really is about you and your dh being in control of your family instead of letting God be in control.

 

Oh, I know, God doesn't pay the bills and feed the kids He might keep sending you. It isn't going to be God puking through the first trimester of another pregnancy. God isn't the one up at 2am worrying because of an infant with a fever or a teen that hasn't come home yet.

 

And the Church isn't saying have kid after kid with no regard to housing, clothing, feeding them. The Church so desperately wants us to respect life - respect the dignity and beauty of life.

 

Part of this respect is the respect of being a whole person. We can't respect ourselves if we intentionally violate our reproductive organs. We can't respect the newly conceived if our ABC creates a hostile environment for this life to live in at conception.

 

A question for you and please don't take it the wrong way. It is more of a discernment for you to think about deeply - are you respecting your dh while he is struggling with this decision? Our men will move Heaven and earth of us if they could even if that moving isn't something they think is right to do.

 

I ask because you have said numerous times in this thread that you only wanted two. Were only prepared for 2 and now 3 is on the way. Have you properly mourned for what you thought your life would have been like with the 2? Have you let go of whatever dreams you had for your family of 4 and really developed new dreams and expectations for a family of 5?

 

Have you talked to some moms of many? Here? IRL? Have you talked to your priest?

 

Yes, it is alright to let Him know you think you are done, and please don't send you any more blessings from Heaven. Please don't think I'm trying to talk you into more and more children. I could go on and on, but it would come across as preachy.

 

You have to do, what you have to do. I just want to make you aware so you make your decision with as much complete knowledge as you can get.

[Nestof3]

My husband struggles a little with this as well. He is 51 years old, though, and I am only 38. I struggle with the possibility of giving birth when he is 60 years old. I also refuse to take birth control pills.

 

For what it's worth, though, I don't believe God controls when we conceive. I believe we conceive because it's biologically possible which is why conception can happen outside of a person, with invitro fertilization or whatever. The fact that man could make happen what did not seem to be God's will convinces me of this. Conception occurs when an egg meets sperm. It's pretty simple to me.

 

I think he's still struggling with feeling guilty for deliberately stopping what should be God's process.

Edited July 21, 2010 by nestof3

[sagira]

Yeah, you are right. It isn't an easy answer. There could be an easy answer. You could totally let go of the control and give it over to God. It really is about you and your dh being in control of your family instead of letting God be in control.

This is where I really struggle. Both kids were my idea, and I struggle very much to lose control. Never thought how bad it was until I got pregnant unintentionally.

 

Oh, I know, God doesn't pay the bills and feed the kids He might keep sending you. It isn't going to be God puking through the first trimester of another pregnancy. God isn't the one up at 2am worrying because of an infant with a fever or a teen that hasn't come home yet.

 

And the Church isn't saying have kid after kid with no regard to housing, clothing, feeding them. The Church so desperately wants us to respect life - respect the dignity and beauty of life.

 

Oh, I'm really going to come across as some terrible person now, but we're in the best financial position we've been as a couple in our lives. I feel guilty, I do. I just can't help feeling this way. I feel God must be angry/disappointed at me. I feel ashamed. :crying:

 

Part of this respect is the respect of being a whole person. We can't respect ourselves if we intentionally violate our reproductive organs. We can't respect the newly conceived if our ABC creates a hostile environment for this life to live in at conception.

I agree. I struggle with this too. No birth control is up to my standard.

 

A question for you and please don't take it the wrong way. No, I don't. Don't worry.It is more of a discernment for you to think about deeply - are you respecting your dh while he is struggling with this decision? Our men will move Heaven and earth of us if they could even if that moving isn't something they think is right to do.

I haven't told him anything concretely. He knows I'm ambivalent about him having a vasectomy too. I respect his struggle, and I'm only doing research to find out more about it as far as safety is concerned. I'm not sure if I even want him to do it yet. Especially if he's against it morally/ethically. He's not concerned with what the Church says, he's very independent, but he has a very strong inner moral compass and his personal relationship with God. I haven't said anything, except "yeah.. I can see what you mean" and left it at that.

 

I ask because you have said numerous times in this thread that you only wanted two. Were only prepared for 2 and now 3 is on the way. Have you properly mourned for what you thought your life would have been like with the 2? You have hit the nail on the head. No. I haven't. I feel so selfish. I had all these plans, dreams.. going back to graduate school, traveling to Europe with the kids, keeping a smaller car for the environment, more personal freedom.. So, so selfish and petty, but important to me. I'm crying as I type this. I'm not angry, just.. sad. And guilty:crying:

 

Have you let go of whatever dreams you had for your family of 4 and really developed new dreams and expectations for a family of 5?

I've been trying to do this on my own, and it doesn't seem to be working so far. Even my dh is supporting me, he's being extra patient, loving, caring, and feels guilty too as he thinks it's his sexual appetite is what caused this. However, I don't blame him. He just blames himself. Everyone else is happy. He's trying to be happy for me, but I'm not sure if he really is.

 

Have you talked to some moms of many? Here? IRL? Have you talked to your priest?

I've been interviewing many moms of three or more, talked to many. They all say it's a blessing, they're happy. Only two or three moms admitted feeling anger or ambivalence. Being so happy, blessed and grateful to conceive both times, I can't believe I feel this way now.. Funny you should mention a priest. I was thinking just today of going to confession and confess my sin of not wanting God's gift. Of accepting God's gift (I heard an inner voice in church telling me weeks before I was going to get pregnant with a third, and I said prayerfully, So be it. I didn't think so soon. I thought maybe when I was older.. not now) and then having such a hard time just being pregnant. It doesn't help that I've been having such a hard time physically and emotionally this first trimester. I think I am definitely going to the priest now.

 

Yes, it is alright to let Him know you think you are done, and please don't send you any more blessings from Heaven. Please don't think I'm trying to talk you into more and more children. I could go on and on, but it would come across as preachy.

 

You have to do, what you have to do. I just want to make you aware so you make your decision with as much complete knowledge as you can get.

 

The worst thing I feel guilty about, in addition to being ungrateful and selfish in regards to God, is the fact that my dear baby doesn't feel loved or wanted right now. I so much want all my children to feel loved and wanted. Right now I can't bring myself to do that yet :( :crying: I'm sorry this is so long. I feel miserable right now :(

Edited July 21, 2010 by sagira

[Night Elf]

1. You better be sure.

2. Hopefully you both agree.

 

I wasn't and we didn't. It sucks.

 

But medically speaking, there were no complications. DH was uncomfortable for a couple of days only.

[Caitilin]

The worst thing I feel guilty about, in addition to being ungrateful and selfish in regards to God, is the fact that my dear baby doesn't feel loved or wanted right now. I so much want all my children to feel loved and wanted. Right now I can't bring myself to do that yet :( :crying: I'm sorry this is so long. I feel miserable right now :(

 

:grouphug::grouphug: So sorry you're struggling, mama. I know that feeling of wanting the baby to BE wanted, but not yet being at the place yourself of wanting it. I have been there--repeatedly. It will come, and you will love this baby too, all the way to the core of your being, just as you do your other 2 dc. It's coming to grips with, and grieving for, what you no longer have, as Chucki pointed out, that's so hard. We knew we wanted more than 2 kiddos, so it wasn't that, but I have 3 dc who are all 20 mo apart, so I TOTALLY know the unreadiness aspect. As you mentioned, though, God clearly wants this baby to be, so try to take comfort in that. It's like smiling--actively choosing to smile actually lifts your mood. Try to do the psychological equivalent. Please, please don't beat yourself up with guilt--take it to the Blessed Mother, who knew what it was to be pregnant unexpectedly, and ask for her prayers. You're in mine, too.:grouphug::grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

The worst thing I feel guilty about, in addition to being ungrateful and selfish in regards to God, is the fact that my dear baby doesn't feel loved or wanted right now. I so much want all my children to feel loved and wanted. Right now I can't bring myself to do that yet :( :crying: I'm sorry this is so long. I feel miserable right now :(

 

 

I have been in your shoes. Those feelings will come... there will come a time when you'll slap yourself on the head and go "What WAS I thinking." You, like millions of other moms, will be unable to visualize your family without this third baby. Give yourself some time.

[duckens]

Loverboy had this procedure done a few weeks ago, along with hernia surgery.

 

WARNING: This post contains TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I believe knowledge is power, so sorry in advance if some of the information here offends anyone.

 

Loverboy says to go talk to your urologist. You can also contact the urologist's office to see if they have a brochure on the procedure. (Loverboy came home with one when he went for the pre-op appointment).

 

His urologist discussed the remote chance of permanent pain or discomfort.

 

There is also the chance of it "not taking", which means that you start producing sperm again. (My obstetrician told me the same thing about having my tubes tied at the end of this pregnancy; we're doing both!)

 

Loverboy feels that he could have gone back to work within a day or two. (Instead, he scheduled this over the long weekend of the 4th of July). Keep in mind that his line of work is as a lab scientist, and he can self-manage how much he sits or stands.

 

He says he experienced swelling and something like "a bad case of blue balls." He also talk about swelling during the first 3-4 days. He couldn't actively "push" to urinate. He had to just release the muscles and let the urine leak out.

 

After three weeks, the incision is still healing. It is a little sore, but functionality is fine.

 

-------

 

I also have a friend who is a Physicians' Assistant. She has given me a serious talking to about NOT having unprotected sex with Loverboy until after TWO after-surgery spermcount checks have come back negative.

 

She has done prenatal checks for many, many families that did not heed this advice.

[flobee76]

Has anyone read about vasectomies and auto-immune diseases?

 

I thought I read about men having vasectomies and then, some time later, experiencing auto-immune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, etc.

 

OP: Maybe you and DH should talk and research about that aspect.

[ktog29]

FWIW, I felt just as you did when I had a surprise pg with #3. I am prone to depression when pg anyway...and it was REALLY bad with my 3rd ds. But, as others have said, now he's a joy.

 

After he was born, we were convicted about using contraception. We did start using NFP. We have since been blessed with ds#4 (not unplanned...we just stopped caring or charting :)). We have received many wonderful graces as we follow the Church's teaching on contraception.

 

Kimberly Hahn has a new book called...um...I think it's Beloved and Blessed. It's the third in her study of Proverbs 31 and it discusses this issue. Janet Smith's Contraception, Why Not? is also a good CD to listen to...I think you can get it for free online. This may help to clarify WHY the Church teaches what it does.

 

Finally, I have many friends, Catholic and not, whose dh's have had vasectomies. Those who did have the procedure (with one exception) really REGRET doing it. They were done. Done. Did not EVER want more children. Agreed with one another. And now? They regret not being able to have any more children. OTOH, I've never heard anyone look at their 3rd child or 4th child after the little one is born and say "gee, I wish I hadn't had THAT baby."

 

Believe me, I feel your pain...I was so unhappy with my third pregnancy (and to top it off, I was SURE he was a she...and he was a he). But he was my easiest. God is merciful!! :)

 

Praying for you and your dh as you make this decision.

[creekmom]

My good friend's husband had one after their 5th kid- 3 years ago. She's pregnant with #6 right now!! I know it's rare, but it's not 100% effective. She mentioned to me that there is now an in-office procedure for women that is more effective and less invasive, but I can't remember what it's called.

[CactusPair]

My dh and I have talked about the possibility of a vas. in the future.

 

But we're both against it for different reasons....

 

His: he's scared--he doesn't feel comfortable with almost any med. prodecure, so that doesn't surprise me.

 

Mine: I worry about what would happen if I died first and he remarried someone who was a little younger. I would want my dh and his new wife to have a child together, if that's what they both wanted.

 

I know many people get reversals, but that doesn't always work, and it's expensive.

I would hate if that happened to dh if he were remarried.

 

This is a personal concern of mine bec. my dad remarried a much younger woman who wanted kids initially. He told her he would have a reversal, but didn't get one (long story). This isn't the same situation I described above, but I can see the pain and void his wife carries. If he hadn't had the vas. they might have kids now.

 

The other situation I know is the opposite. My aunt married a *much* older man who was a widower w/ adult kids. They now have 2 kids together, but if her dh had had a vas. when married to his 1st wife, my cousins may not have been born.

 

So, am I the only crazy one who worries about making provisions for her dh's 2nd wife?:)

Edited July 22, 2010 by CactusPair

[Amy loves Bud]

Experiences, immediate side effects, permanent side effects (if any), effectiveness, pain.. Anything would be truly helpful. Dh is only 31, but as we know 3 is the right number of children we have, he is considering it.

 

TIA!

 

Bud had it done in January. I watched the procedure. He didn't really feel anything, mainly he was a nervous wreck. The dr. had trouble finding one vas, so there was little more mucking around than usual. Bud took it totally easy for two days, followed dr's orders precisely. He had really bad bruising that first week. Then he was back to normal.

 

It was the best decision and we are both SO happy about it. BUT I am 43 and he is 49.

 

Reading through the thread I see you have some hesitation and that would be it for me. We really thought we were done after my 9 year old was born. Seven years later we decided to try for a third and were blessed with Romy. I'm glad I listened to that niggling doubt.

 

Also, I'm not sure that making such a decision while you are expecting and experience some ambivalence about it is a great idea.

 

You might also consider that if something happened and you needed a c-section, then it would be very easy to have a tubal at that time without requiring a second surgery.

 

We're happy with our decision, and it was a decision we were both very certain about. It doesn't conflict with our religious beliefs. I think it might be wise for you to take a little time before you decide on something that you may end up regretting.

 

:grouphug: You just wait till you get that baby in your arms. All will be well.

[Colleen in SEVA]

Our plan was to have 4 kids, so when we found out we were expecting #5 we started researching our options. DH decided that vasectomy made the most sense (low recovery time, high success rate, minimal side effects, no hormone alterations).

 

He went to a doctor who did the procedure for the Navy for 20 years -- an old school doc who was very thorough rather than some new fancy procedure.

 

He had the surgery on Thursday afternoon and took Friday off work so he would have 4 days to recover, but he felt fine on Friday morning and ended up going in to work. He was back mountain biking by the following Saturday.

 

In hind sight, DH is very glad he had it done and we have no regrets.

[Audrey]

Experiences, immediate side effects, permanent side effects (if any), effectiveness, pain.. Anything would be truly helpful. Dh is only 31, but as we know 3 is the right number of children we have, he is considering it.

 

TIA!

 

 

Despite the anecdoctal nay-saying you have gotten, and all of the various religious quotes thrown at you, in the end, YOU get to decide what is best for yourselves, reproductively, as a couple.

 

Vasectomies are perfectly safe and acceptable permanent birth control. I'm sure if you google, you can come up with all kinds of cornball sites saying otherwise, but even an advanced EBSCO Host search of medical journals cannot come up with anything on vasectomies that is negative, with the exception of difficulties in reversing them.

 

So... instead of asking here, you might be better informed by asking a general practitioner who has no vested interest in doing the procedure about the side effects and aftercare needed, and about more secure birth control options, if you decide vasectomy is not for you.

 

And, then throw away every last bit of advice you got here, including mine, and make your decision based on what is best for YOU and YOUR dh.

Edited July 22, 2010 by Audrey

[Parrothead]

The worst thing I feel guilty about, in addition to being ungrateful and selfish in regards to God, is the fact that my dear baby doesn't feel loved or wanted right now. I so much want all my children to feel loved and wanted. Right now I can't bring myself to do that yet :( :crying: I'm sorry this is so long. I feel miserable right now :(

You sound like you need your dh to take the kids to the park while you have a good cry and some ice cream after. :grouphug: I'll even volunteer to virtually buy the cookies-n-cream kind. Let it all out, eat, then take some cleansing breathes.

 

 

And, hon, never ever feel ashamed about your feelings. You have them for a reason. Seeing how I am one, I'm here to say no one ever does guilt like a Catholic does guilt. ;) It will all be okay in the end.

 

Financially, over time, one more won't be that much extra. Although, you may have to look into a Japanese SUV instead of a Ford to be both fiscally responsible and environmentally friendly. :D

 

I haven't told him anything concretely....

 

I've been trying to do this on my own, and it doesn't seem to be working so far.

 

...but I'm not sure if he really is.

 

You guys need to talk. Get a sitter, go out early, have dinner then take a nice long walk so you can talk alone without distractions.

 

(I heard an inner voice in church telling me weeks before I was going to get pregnant with a third, and I said prayerfully, So be it. I didn't think so soon. I thought maybe when I was older.. not now)

 

See, now, there is a sense of humor for you.

 

Trust me, feeling as you do now, older probably wouldn't work out for you. Then you really would be saddled for the long haul. Every time I think maybe, just maybe I should see a fertility specialist, I remind myself that dd is almost 11 and I'm almost 44. Do I really want to start over. I'm just now getting a bit of personal freedom.

 

 

Do your research, talk to people (especially dh), worry about making new plans, have fun shopping for new baby stuff. Then wait. Don't make any decisions until the baby is 6 months old. Work on getting yourself some rest. Find your new balance. Try some meditation with your rosary or without. Get yourself centered. You've got a bit of time before you have to make a final decision.

 

:grouphug:

[Peela]

Lol, you really want to hear? Don't tell your dh!

 

Dh came home from the short operation, rested an hour or so, then went to work (at home, giving a massage). Yes, he had been told to take the rest of the day off.

He came out from that massage, and fainted on the floor. He'd never fainted in his life before.

Shortly afterwards we realised that one of his testicles was swollen.

Fast forward the next few weeks. He swelled to the size of a cantaloupe, and the blood pushed up to just beloow his belly button. He did spend some time in hospital but there wasnt much they could do but pain relief.

Then when the swelling went down there were two golf ball sized hematomas that needed operating on, and eventually the whole thing reduced and healed.

That's when he became a Treckie. He sat in bed and watched episode after episode for weeks. He also got addicted to codeine which was a bit difficult to deal with later.

 

We think it may have happened because he regularly took Vitamin E, which is an anticoagulant. That, and the fact he stood for an hour doing manual work within a couple of hours of the operation.

 

It's been a funny story to tell over the years. Guys sit there with their legs crossed.

We are pretty sure he is pretty infertile after all that :)

Most guys have no problem, of course.

[zaichiki]

The worst thing I feel guilty about, in addition to being ungrateful and selfish in regards to God, is the fact that my dear baby doesn't feel loved or wanted right now. I so much want all my children to feel loved and wanted. Right now I can't bring myself to do that yet :( :crying: I'm sorry this is so long. I feel miserable right now :(

 

You have the full 9 months to get used to the idea. Don't worry about it. Give the guilt to God for now.

 

I've been there. It was SO hard for me to be happy about #4 (I felt completely fulfilled with 3!), but now that we have her I cannot imagine not having her. It took me the ENTIRE pregnancy (I'm talking to the very day.) to get used to the idea. But God is good and He knows what he's doing. This little baby has been the biggest blessing for all of us. It has been amazing to see her older siblings in love with her from the first day (even the former "baby" of the family who I was convinced would never willingly give up that role).

 

Anyway, I had a really horrifying birth experience and I never want to do that again. I have no advice for you. Just give all the worry and stress to God. His will be done.

 

Also -- My dh has also considered this idea and has seen a doctor for a consultation. He is not Catholic but I am -- and I am so conflicted about it that I have told him whether or not he chooses to do this it must be fully his decision and not mine. I have given this to God as well.

 

Thank you, Parrothead, for sharing that link.

[sagira]

I read everything carefully, with interest.

 

Thank you so much for caring to write at all! You women are wonderful :grouphug:

 

Duckens -- I appreciate the information. Not too much information, just right (I'm a Certified Childbirth Educator).

 

flobee76 -- one lady told me about the autoimmune diseases. I had never heard that before. I wonder about it too.

 

ktog29, Amy Loves Bud and Parrothead -- thank you for the words of encouragement. I felt so alone with this and now I feel that I'm not alone. Other women have felt like this and have gone on to love and cherish their precious child. Thank you.

 

creekmom, Colleen in SEVA, Peela -- I appreciate your input.

 

CactusPair -- You know, that's the first thing my mom mentioned when I told her we may consider the v. She said, but he's so young. You never know if something should happen and he should remarry, he can't have a child with his new wife.. So no, you're not the only one to think about it. Thanks :)

 

Audrey -- Thanks for the information :) It's good to know the scientific information as well as the anecdotal IMO to compare and contrast. I appreciate the one about the medical journals, as those are hard to come by.

[JeneralMom]

We have a friend whose father has lived with lifelong testicular pain from his vasectomy. She tells stories of him just screaming in agony and passing out. It is rare, but possible. Also, there has been research done by Northwestern University correlating early vasectomies with an unusual form of dementia.

 

Both my father and brother had them done and are satisfied. We have decided against it for the time being.

 

As someone else mentioned, I worry what would happen if all the children and I passed away and DH remarried and wanted to have kids. He says he would not want kids, but I would hate for the possibility to be gone for him.