My world just ended....

[beccad777]

I just wanted to say that you are doing great just by supporting her. What a difficult thing! Give the boy time to come around. That is a huge thing that he is facing. It was his mistake just as much as hers, but he may need more time to come to himself. Just keep on praying for him. Your DD needs him to man up in more ways than financially. So don't bad mouth him, just encourage her to pray for him.

[twilkin]

I have been up front with my daughter from the get-go that I do not harbor bad feelings for her young man because of what happened. It takes two, they both screwed up, I was disappointed in both of them, but I certainly don't hate either one of them. I wrote him a letter this morning pleading with him to seek help and not go through this process on his own. I told him of God's love and forgiveness, and ours, and of repentance and restoration. I then told him we were here for him as much as we are for our daughter.

He talked to my daughter last night and wants to meet with her to talk things over. Apparently he does not have a new girlfriend. That was only a facade he chose to protect himself. He's a good kid with very mixed up emotions.

Please pray for him and for his meeting with my daughter.

[BlsdMama]

He's a good kid with very mixed up emotions.

Please pray for him and for his meeting with my daughter.

Your family, daughter, and the young man will be in my thoughts and in my prayers. May you be blessed because of how you've chosen to handle this.

[Nakia]

I have been up front with my daughter from the get-go that I do not harbor bad feelings for her young man because of what happened. It takes two, they both screwed up, I was disappointed in both of them, but I certainly don't hate either one of them. I wrote him a letter this morning pleading with him to seek help and not go through this process on his own. I told him of God's love and forgiveness, and ours, and of repentance and restoration. I then told him we were here for him as much as we are for our daughter.

He talked to my daughter last night and wants to meet with her to talk things over. Apparently he does not have a new girlfriend. That was only a facade he chose to protect himself. He's a good kid with very mixed up emotions.

Please pray for him and for his meeting with my daughter.

 

This is a very good thing. I think a lot of times it really takes the boy/man a much longer time to come to terms with a pregnancy than a girl/woman. I once read a quote that said, "A mother is born the moment she feels the love in her heart for a child she has never seen." For males, it takes a little longer, I believe. I will pray for both of them!

[vonfirmath]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm glad your pastors are supportive. For anyone else who raises their nose or gets all pious, remember: there but for the grace of God goes anyone.

 

Focus on your daughter, not on judgmental biddies. It will be ok. God works out all things for good for those who love Him.

 

And you might be surprised at those who do NOT raise their nose or go pious. It takes a lot of courage to own your mistake, especially this one. Because to have the baby involves everyone knowing your sin when it would be so easy to sweep under the rug. It behooves Christians, I believe, to be extra supportive of one who falls and chooses to take "credit" for their sin instead of making it go away. (the consequences never entirely go away, but it can seem so for a season).

 

I am glad you have the support of your pastors.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, Cadam, I would have left off my daughter's Bio Dad in a second... and had his rights terminated any way I could have.... because I've had to deal with him for 12 years already.... and 6 more to go! I understand your situation.... but.... with my daughter... it has nothing to do with her getting to know her dad... only with him having this crazy control over the situation. (from afar!) I'd much rather "let" her get to know him on our terms... than have him legally involved... to each their own..

 

:)

[Lovedtodeath]

And you might be surprised at those who do NOT raise their nose or go pious.

I have found that to be true.

[Hannah C.]

To Twilkin's dd, from one expecting mama to another: CONGRATULATIONS! :grouphug:

 

Praying that everything gets worked out, especially in regard to the boy, and that the pregnancy goes well!

[lionfamily1999]

As far as I know it is illegal now.

If they aren't married, then he has to sign papers acknowledging that he is the father. I don't believe they will put a man's name on a bc without either DNA evidence, or his own consent. So, if he's not there then he won't end up on the bc.

 

This is all based on my own experience 13 years ago, things could have changed, but it doesn't seem 'right' that they would allow a third party to declare someone a parent without that person's consent and/or evidence.

I have been up front with my daughter from the get-go that I do not harbor bad feelings for her young man because of what happened. It takes two, they both screwed up, I was disappointed in both of them, but I certainly don't hate either one of them. I wrote him a letter this morning pleading with him to seek help and not go through this process on his own. I told him of God's love and forgiveness, and ours, and of repentance and restoration. I then told him we were here for him as much as we are for our daughter.

He talked to my daughter last night and wants to meet with her to talk things over. Apparently he does not have a new girlfriend. That was only a facade he chose to protect himself. He's a good kid with very mixed up emotions.

Please pray for him and for his meeting with my daughter.

Good for all you. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

If they aren't married, then he has to sign papers acknowledging that he is the father. I don't believe they will put a man's name on a bc without either DNA evidence, or his own consent. So, if he's not there then he won't end up on the bc.

 

This is all based on my own experience 13 years ago, things could have changed, but it doesn't seem 'right' that they would allow a third party to declare someone a parent without that person's consent and/or evidence.

 

Good for all you. :grouphug:

 

I think it must depend on what state you are in. In NC, a father's name can go on the birth certificate, whether the couple is married or not. And the mother gets to say who goes on there. Unless she is legally married. And in that case only her legal husband's name can go on the bc, even if he is not the father. Then it requires court action and a DNA test to prove that her legal husband is not the father before the true father can go on the bc. This is the info my good friend got from the birth certificate registrar at the hospital when she had her last baby. Clear as mud?

 

Anyway, I think we are putting the cart before the horse. I think op's family is going to get this all figured out, and I bet the daddy will come around in his own time. He is probably just scared to death right now.

[lionfamily1999]

I think it must depend on what state you are in. In NC, a father's name can go on the birth certificate, whether the couple is married or not. And the mother gets to say who goes on there. Unless she is legally married. And in that case only her legal husband's name can go on the bc, even if he is not the father. Then it requires court action and a DNA test to prove that her legal husband is not the father before the true father can go on the bc. Clear as mud?

 

Anyway, I think we are putting the cart before the horse. I think op's family is going to get this all figured out, and I bet the daddy will come around in his own time. He is probably just scared to death right now.

Oh sure, yes! I just meant, I don't believe that a father could be put on the birth certificate (excepting married couples) without either his consent or evidence proving him to be the father.

 

When I had dd her father had to sign papers saying he was her father. They said I could write his name onto the bc, but it would not be put on there without his signed consent or proof. I was not told that I had to give him the papers or put his name anywhere, although if I had not put his name on there and tried for government aid, then I would've been forced to submit his name (or whomever I thought was the father) before I could've gotten that aid.

 

Again, this is back in good ol' 96.

[astrid]

This is one of my hot buttons, too! I don't get it at all.

 

Mine too--- and I am pro-choice.

 

Wishing you and your family peace, OP.

 

astrid

[astrid]

I couldn't agree more. In a church we attended as a teen, the pastor's step-daughter became pregnant. They made her stand before the church, apologize, and give the details of the event. My mother left for good.

 

This happened here in CT to a local homeschooled girl a few years ago. So cruel. So senseless. So damaging.....and for what?

 

She committed suicide.

 

astrid

[Nakia]

This happened here in CT to a local homeschooled girl a few years ago. So cruel. So senseless. So damaging.....and for what?

 

She committed suicide.

 

astrid

 

Oh dear God. How terrible.

[simka2]

This happened here in CT to a local homeschooled girl a few years ago. So cruel. So senseless. So damaging.....and for what?

 

She committed suicide.

 

astrid

 

 

Things like this are what bring me close to leaving organized religion:mad:!!!! And it happens more than we realize!!!

[astrid]

Things like this are what bring me close to leaving organized religion:mad:!!!! And it happens more than we realize!!!

 

I know the feeling--- things like this are what CAUSED me to leave organized religion. :confused::crying:

 

astrid

[kwickimom]

Just wanted to pipe in here for the boyfriend. I think everyone has to remember that he is probably scared to death. I know your DD is also, BUT she is the pregnant one. People tend to be more forgiving and kind towards the girl carrying the baby. Also in being the pregnant one, the girl is usually the one to accept things faster because obviously she cannot just run away from the problem. Also horomones and mammas instinct kick in. Things are soo very different for the "dads." The pregnant girl will get all kinds of attention and he is usually just looked upon as the "boy who got so and so pregnant"

 

I am so happy to hear that you wrote him a letter and are trying to be accepting of him. IMO I think people tend to not realize that it is just as hard for the boy as the girl, if not harder. I dont know if I really conveyed what I mean through all this. I know how hard it is for everyone because I WAS your DD. I was a little older, but an unwed mother all the same. My church turned their backs on me, my family and friends were wonderful. I just know how everyone was quick to forgive me and get excited for my baby, but VERY quick to place blame and turn on my boyfriend (now husband)

 

It will take the boy longer to turn around and man up. he is not the one actually pregnant. I really hope it all works out. My husband "manned up" pretty quickly but it took some time.

Edited July 13, 2010 by kwickimom
typo

[Starr]

Let's not hijack the thread. Suicide is not exclusive to organized religion. I'm glad these young people have much care and love to support them.

[Brindee]

This happened to a girl in our church. She was repentent too. What was done was done and she and her family moved forward, knowing God had forgiven and would bless. She was brave enough to go in front of the church and say: "I made a mistake. I have asked God's forgiveness, and I know He has forgiven me. I have asked my parents forgiveness, and I know they have forgiven me. I plan to be responsible for this child, and support it as best I can. I know it won't be easy. I am moving forward and will love this baby with all my heart. I ask for your support as I raise my baby to love the Lord. I hope that you will be able to forgive me, and can love and accept my baby and me as God loves and accepts us!" That speech made quite the impression, and the church family was VERY supportive!

 

This happened to my neice. She had the baby in February, and turned 16 in March. It was a one-time mistake for her also. She had the support of her family, and finished high school with a 3.97 gpa! She married the father when she was 17 and the father was 19. That child is 11 now and they have one younger one. The father joined the air force, and she did day care in her home so she could be with her kids. now she is just finishing up her classes to be a dental tech. It was NOT the end of the world for her, though it WAS the end of the world as she thought it was going to be. I have been so proud of how she took responsibility and did what needed to be done, despite it changing her life so drastically!

 

It's hard to switch gears, but as your dd is repentent and willing to follow through with what needs to be done because of her mistake (she's not a horrible sinner!!!), she'll need your love and support of her and her baby! Don't hold this against either your dd or the baby! Somewhere down the road you will be able to better help others because you've been through this experience. It may be good for you and your dh to realize that despite good child rearing practices and "doing everything right", kids are human and sometimes make wroong choices! God can work past this and will help you work past this too, if you are willing to let Him!

 

I can't imagine people holding this against you or your dd! We are to leave the judging to God, and are to love others! PLEASE don't think of this as a "world-ending" thing, but as the beginning of a life, albeit different than you all had planned, of blessings!

 

:grouphug: You have many prayer for strength and courage and blessings going up for you all! :grouphug:

Edited July 13, 2010 by Brindee

[astrid]

Let's not hijack the thread. Suicide is not exclusive to organized religion. I'm glad these young people have much care and love to support them.

 

 

I have no intentions of hijacking anything. Just engaging in discussion, and replied to BlessedFamily's post.

I never stated that suicide was exclusive to organized religion; if you read that into my post there is nothing I can do to prevent that.

 

astrid

[HeatherM2]

I agree with everyone else. It's not the end of the world. She made a mistake. My cousin got pregnant at 15 and her daughter is 12 now. I couldn't imagine our family without her. Lots of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to both you and your daughter.

Heather

[Brindee]

I think someone read my above post as being something the church/denomination REQUIRED of the girl---to "go up and confess her sin." So, just to clarify, in case others took it that same way, it was NOT any sort of requirement at ALL!!! She chose to do that on her own because our church is like a big family, and she WANTED to go up and clarify things and ask for support! We all supported her. I honestly thought it was brave and sweet of her. I had no clue anyone would think we required it! Hopefully that's very clear now!!!

[ScoutTN]

Jesus came to redeem us. There is no rewind button, but there is grace.

 

Grace is enough.

 

:grouphug:

 

AMEN!

Walk closely with Jesus during this hard time and help your DH and DD to do the same. Hang out in the Word and don't let the Pharisees control your reactions!

[jenL]

I have been up front with my daughter from the get-go that I do not harbor bad feelings for her young man because of what happened. It takes two, they both screwed up, I was disappointed in both of them, but I certainly don't hate either one of them. I wrote him a letter this morning pleading with him to seek help and not go through this process on his own. I told him of God's love and forgiveness, and ours, and of repentance and restoration. I then told him we were here for him as much as we are for our daughter.

He talked to my daughter last night and wants to meet with her to talk things over. Apparently he does not have a new girlfriend. That was only a facade he chose to protect himself. He's a good kid with very mixed up emotions.

Please pray for him and for his meeting with my daughter.

 

I'm happy to hear this. I hope their meeting goes well & will be praying that it does. :grouphug:

[phathui5]

Quick comment on this part alone: You don't have to ruin his life, but he shouldn't be off scot-free. You're correct -- it takes two -- and he was the other one. If he gets away with dumping the girl when she's pregnant, he'll just do it to the next one, and the next ... (jmo)

 

I agree. I'd wanted to say earlier that even though you want to be kind to him, he still owes his child at least 18 years of financial support, and that's something he shouldn't get to get out of.

 

Remember that if he is on the birth certificate and paying child support, he also has rights to the child.

 

He has rights to the child even if he isn't on the birth certificate and paying child support. Just being the child's father gives him the right to sue for visitation and/or custody if he wants to.

Edited July 13, 2010 by phathui5

[Audrey]

Just wanted to pipe in here for the boyfriend. I think everyone has to remember that he is probably scared to death. I know your DD is also, BUT she is the pregnant one. People tend to be more forgiving and kind towards the girl carrying the baby. Also in being the pregnant one, the girl is usually the one to accept things faster because obviously she cannot just run away from the problem. Also horomones and mammas instinct kick in. Things are soo very different for the "dads." The pregnant girl will get all kinds of attention and he is usually just looked upon as the "boy who got so and so pregnant"

 

I am so happy to hear that you wrote him a letter and are trying to be accepting of him. IMO I think people tend to not realize that it is just as hard for the boy as the girl, if not harder. I dont know if I really conveyed what I mean through all this. I know how hard it is for everyone because I WAS your DD. I was a little older, but an unwed mother all the same. My church turned their backs on me, my family and friends were wonderful. I just know how everyone was quick to forgive me and get excited for my baby, but VERY quick to place blame and turn on my boyfriend (now husband)

 

It will take the boy longer to turn around and man up. he is not the one actually pregnant. I really hope it all works out. My husband "manned up" pretty quickly but it took some time.

 

 

This is a very good point. My dh and I had been married a year and were trying to get pregnant and still... it took a while for it to sink in for him, too. Men don't have the benefit of the undeniable physical reaction of pregnancy. It feels more "real" to us faster than it does to them. I can imagine that if it's an unexpected pregnancy that it would feel more "unreal" for longer.

[outtamyshell]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It's amazing how many lives are touched by one teenage pregnancy.

 

Please make the investment necessary for professional counselling for the teens (and you), and get some legal advice. The situation is so complex.

 

We are all sinners, and there are lots of teens struggling with the same sins. However, your daughter will wear her sins more openly than most. I commend her for choosing life. (Not trying to open a debate on abortion. The fact that you didn't mention it leads me to think it wasn't an option for her.) Good for her. I know how pro-life I am, and yet... I don't know if I would have been strong enough to go through with an inconvenient pregnancy. Remind her that those of us whose eyes gravitate to her during the next few months may be passing judgetment, but we may also be thinking any of the following: There, but for the grace of God, go I... Would I have been that strong?... I hope she's getting the support she needs... I'm still praying for her... or even... Wow, her hair looks amazing.

 

Teen pregnancies are high-risk, and we all wish her well. I can't help but worry about things like calcium intake and swine flu.

 

It's so unfair that a pregnant woman has to deal with such a mess. It's hard enough for the adults with stable hormone levels to deal with this stuff... my heart goes out to your daughter.

 

A father has legal rights. You need to understand the situation in your state. He may not even be responsible for child support until he's 18, but the law will give him his legal rights - regardless of how well he fulfills his responsibilities. I've been told over and over by lawyers that it's next to impossible to sever a father's legal rights. But there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him take care of his responsibilities. You can put a father in jail for non-payment of child support, but there's nothing you can do when he doesn't show up for a visit or doesn't send a Christmas card.

 

Repentance is important for the teens... But 'What's the best decision for the child?' is an entirely different question. She doesn't have to raise the baby to take care of her responsibilities. And she doens't have to place the baby for adoption as a condition of forgiveness. I believe you are entitled to inspiration to guide your daughter. I believe the parents-to-be are entitled to inspiration to determine the right course of action too. And none of the available options are going to be easy.

 

The entire family is going to be affected by this. There are many emotions to process. You will get through this. And you will have so much more strength with which to bless the rest of us because of this experience.

 

Congratulations may be in order, but that sounds so premature to me. What if the right thing to do is to place the baby for adoption? I read this thread (all 18 pages) with that perspective in mind, and each enthusiastic congratulations felt like the stab of a knife in the heart. What if there's another family that is supposed to be blessed with this baby? If you are celebrating too early, will that just make even more painful to do the right thing?

 

Be patient. These kids may change their minds several times over the next few months. Again, I recommend a good counsellor who shares your values and can counsel both teens.

 

Try not to be offended by anyone. Even strangers are affected by your daughter's pregancy. Those who seem judgemental may just be trying to make sure their kids realize this is not an example to follow. The problem with only talking about babies, and single-parenting, and teen-parenting as a blessing is that we glorify it... and we don't want to encourage others to follow your daughter's difficult path.

 

A friend of mine has a child who just went through a similar situation. They chose an open adoption, and it was terribly difficult for everyone. the grandmothers both ached to have the baby in their lives. I was on pins and needles praying for all of them for months. When the child was born I was so excited... and so proud of those teenage parents. Hallmark doesn't sell a 'Congratulations on Giving Your Baby Away' card, but I couldn't have been more proud of them. They did the most difficult thing I think anyone could do; they selflessley provided for their child. I didn't have that level of maturity and selflessness until I had been a mother for several years. They have no idea that I was so affected by their journey. I think they were surprised enough by the impact their decisions had on their immediate family.

 

Finally, take our (and everyone else's) thoughts with a grain of salt. We all view your trials through our own experiences. Just because you are entitled to personal revelation doesn't mean we are entitled to revelation on your behalf!

 

Best wishes to you and yours.

[Marylou]

Suicide is not exclusive to organized religion. /QUOTE]

 

There are so very many people of name whatever "organized" religion who go out of their way to help others in need (including unwed mothers). Those stories don't make it into the newspapers or on "Dateline".

 

And that's the way it should be.

[asta]

Worrying about what other people think is the wrong direction. It never matters.

Just love your dd and her baby unconditionally, and without judgement. Its that what real Christianity is about anyway? Its not your job to judge her.

Stay open and soft and teachable, and support your dd without taking away her responsibility for the consequences of her choices. You are not repsonsible, she is.

I think it would be terrible to be "supported" by parents who judge me and feel terrible about the whole situaiton, wringing their hands in angst over what they did wrong, subtly and not so subtly reminding me frequently of my guilt and sin. Ugh. A new baby doesnt need to come into a situation like that. It needs acceptance and love, and so does the mother. And so do you.

 

Yes.

 

Your daughter did not "make a mistake". She made a baby.

 

Your plans aren't ruined; it isn't your future that is being dramatically altered (unless you choose it to be); it is hers.

 

JMO, but approaching a pregnancy out of wedlock as a mistake or "a sin" has a subtext of telling the woman that she is "less than" the people around her, no matter what is said on the surface.

 

Peaceful thoughts to your daughter for a healthy pregnancy.

 

 

a

Edited July 15, 2010 by asta

[Donna]

I haven't read the other replies but while on vacation this week, we visited a church and heard a wonderful sermon on Jesus words...Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

The preacher was speaking about people in the church being the first to judge others and gossip. He asked how we, as believers in Jesus feel we have the right to do that when Jesus never did.

 

:grouphug: to you and your family. She made a decision that will affect the rest of her life but her life isn't over. I have known a number of girls who were pregnant as teens, went on to raise their children themselves, went to college, and lived wonderful lives. She needs love and support...her life isn't over, only just beginning.

[Georgia On My Mind]

Hi,

I am praying for you. I have been there and am 15 years out ahead of you with the situation. I am homeschooling the unexpected dgd as we speak. She is in 10th grade this year and a wonderful blessing to me and her mom and our whole family.

 

My daughter made a mistake as well, accepted the forgiveness of the Lord and her family, picked herself up, brushed herself off and started her new life with the support of her family. She lived with us and we agreed to support her and the baby until she was able to be on her on. She was a bit older than your daughter but was homeschooled and made a terrible mistake with a guy who was a con artist, already married, had a dui record a mile long, fooled our family into thinking he was a nice Christian guy, etc, etc. They were engaged and we were planning her wedding. When it came time for pastoral counseling the guy bolted. He ran and we did not see him again and still haven't. My daughter discovered her pregnancy shortly after his departure and eventually had to tell us. We survived it, she finished her college, got a job, moved out on her own, eventually bought a house, and now has her own business. She has never dated (her choice until her daughter is grown) and has been a wonderful mother and has made a lovely home for herself and her daughter. She has always been very close to the Lord and the whole event changed her life for the better. Romans 8:28 We survived the shame (I was teaching in a Christian school) and have truly forgotten it and walked on with greater compassion for our beloved brothers and sisters who had children who made mistakes. All children are a blessing from the Lord. Wipe away the tears, find out who the true Christians in your life are and thank God for an opportunity to show his love and forgiveness to the world you live in.

Carolyn

[Blueridge]

...Romans 8:28 We survived the shame (I was teaching in a Christian school) and have truly forgotten it and walked on with greater compassion for our beloved brothers and sisters who had children who made mistakes. All children are a blessing from the Lord. Wipe away the tears, find out who the true Christians in your life are and thank God for an opportunity to show his love and forgiveness to the world you live in.

Carolyn

 

Amen! Carolyn, that was lovely!

[twilkin]

I just wanted to post one more time how absolutely awesome this forum has been. I can't tell you how much your testimonies, wisdom, words of encouragement, and gentle kicks-in-the-butt have meant to me. If there has been any good come out of this situation yet this has been it. The complete lack of condemnation and outpouring of love has been a huge testimony for all of you and I'm sure it has ministered to everyone that has followed along with this thread.

I wish I could meet you all in person and give you hugs and my deepest thanks for your support. I know we will get through this, we are moving forward, and yes, we have already perused the baby isles looking at those adorable teeny tiny clothes.;)

My love and thanks to you all.

Terri

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mad Jenny Flint]

But your comment about your daughter "falling away" so easily struck me.

 

It doesn't sound at all like she has fallen away. One can believe very strongly in something and still make a mistake/poor choice.

 

Isn't the Bible just littered with examples of people doing just that, and learning, growing, and experiencing forgiveness?

 

I only imagine that Jesus would have strongly admonished those who are snubbing your family right now.

[Tree House Academy]

Wow...I have not read even the whole first page of this 19 page thread, but I have to stand up and say that I think your thinking on this is just wrong from a Christian perspective. I believe her testimony can be strengthened based on what she chose. She can minister to other young people about this. If other Christians judge you based on your dd, are they truly Christians? Did Jesus judge and exclude based on mistakes? Did God not make us all sinners?

 

Please, calm down on the "no one will think highly of us...we are no longer pilars of Christianity" stuff. As a girl who got pregnant at 19, married to a man I didn't love at 20, and divorced at 22...and woman who is also a very strong Christian, I just can't see the logic in "no one will respect us as a family" when this child that your child is carrying is a GIFT directly from the Father. God gave her this child...just as He gave me my son 11 years ago. I will never believe it was a "mistake." God doesn't make mistakes. My son was meant to come into this world and no one can tell me differently. Stop worrying about your "reputation" and embrace that new life that God has brought into yours.

 

I pray for peace and happiness for your family through what I know is a difficult time.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Tree House Academy

[NanceXToo]

Your world did not end.

 

Her world did not end.

 

Things changed... but they did not end.

 

Your daughter isn't dead. She's pregnant. Put things in perspective.

 

She's not the first pregnant teenager, she won't be the last. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that she's fallen away from God or that God has forsaken your family or that you should hide your faces in shame and never go out into public again or anything of the sort.

 

Pull yourself together. Be there for your daughter, as you always have been. Ignore the shallow people who DO judge, don't become so paranoid as to suspect that everyone else is judging too, and just go about your lives.

 

Either your daughter will decide to keep the baby and raise it, or she will decide to put the baby up for adoption, either way this will shape her- and who knows, maybe it will even shape her for the better. Maybe one day she'll help other teens or go into some sort of work or volunteer service that helps families, babies, or teens, based on these experiences that shaped her.

 

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. My daughter is still here, I'm still here, my mother is still here, the world is still here... I know you're kind of in shock, but I think everything will be okay in the end.

[creekmom]

But your comment about your daughter "falling away" so easily struck me.

 

It doesn't sound at all like she has fallen away. One can believe very strongly in something and still make a mistake/poor choice.

 

Isn't the Bible just littered with examples of people doing just that, and learning, growing, and experiencing forgiveness?

 

I only imagine that Jesus would have strongly admonished those who are snubbing your family right now.

 

:iagree:

 

You know, s*x is the only "sin" I can think of that is only wrong for a certain time. It will never be beautiful to lie, cheat, murder, etc. - but s*x is beautiful between husband and wife. It's really a shame that Christians and society in general, judge premarital s*x so harshly, but think nothing of a person who lies, cheats, covets, etc. - Just my 2 cents....

[Nakia]

I just wanted to post one more time how absolutely awesome this forum has been. I can't tell you how much your testimonies, wisdom, words of encouragement, and gentle kicks-in-the-butt have meant to me. If there has been any good come out of this situation yet this has been it. The complete lack of condemnation and outpouring of love has been a huge testimony for all of you and I'm sure it has ministered to everyone that has followed along with this thread.

I wish I could meet you all in person and give you hugs and my deepest thanks for your support. I know we will get through this, we are moving forward, and yes, we have already perused the baby isles looking at those adorable teeny tiny clothes.;)

My love and thanks to you all.

Terri

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Good for you! I was looking at baby things yesterday for a friend of mine who is expecting, and I thought of you. Like someone else said in this thread earlier, your dd will never be pregnant for the first time again. Make this a very special time for her and for you. Sounds like you are feeling better about the whole thing. God bless you! He already has actually!

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug::001_smile:

 

I just wanted to post one more time how absolutely awesome this forum has been. I can't tell you how much your testimonies, wisdom, words of encouragement, and gentle kicks-in-the-butt have meant to me. If there has been any good come out of this situation yet this has been it. The complete lack of condemnation and outpouring of love has been a huge testimony for all of you and I'm sure it has ministered to everyone that has followed along with this thread.

I wish I could meet you all in person and give you hugs and my deepest thanks for your support. I know we will get through this, we are moving forward, and yes, we have already perused the baby isles looking at those adorable teeny tiny clothes.;)

My love and thanks to you all.

Terri

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[angela in ohio]

:iagree:

 

You know, s*x is the only "sin" I can think of that is only wrong for a certain time. It will never be beautiful to lie, cheat, murder, etc. - but s*x is beautiful between husband and wife. It's really a shame that Christians and society in general, judge premarital s*x so harshly, but think nothing of a person who lies, cheats, covets, etc. - Just my 2 cents....

 

I don't know many Christians who think nothing of lying, cheating, and coveting. :confused:

[kym]

Hi,

I am praying for you. I have been there and am 15 years out ahead of you with the situation. I am homeschooling the unexpected dgd as we speak. She is in 10th grade this year and a wonderful blessing to me and her mom and our whole family.

 

My daughter made a mistake as well, accepted the forgiveness of the Lord and her family, picked herself up, brushed herself off and started her new life with the support of her family. She lived with us and we agreed to support her and the baby until she was able to be on her on. She was a bit older than your daughter but was homeschooled and made a terrible mistake with a guy who was a con artist, already married, had a dui record a mile long, fooled our family into thinking he was a nice Christian guy, etc, etc. They were engaged and we were planning her wedding. When it came time for pastoral counseling the guy bolted. He ran and we did not see him again and still haven't. My daughter discovered her pregnancy shortly after his departure and eventually had to tell us. We survived it, she finished her college, got a job, moved out on her own, eventually bought a house, and now has her own business. She has never dated (her choice until her daughter is grown) and has been a wonderful mother and has made a lovely home for herself and her daughter. She has always been very close to the Lord and the whole event changed her life for the better. Romans 8:28 We survived the shame (I was teaching in a Christian school) and have truly forgotten it and walked on with greater compassion for our beloved brothers and sisters who had children who made mistakes. All children are a blessing from the Lord. Wipe away the tears, find out who the true Christians in your life are and thank God for an opportunity to show his love and forgiveness to the world you live in.

Carolyn

 

What a beautiful post! :001_smile:

[Lovedtodeath]

Your daughter did not "make a mistake". She made a baby.

 

Your plans aren't ruined; it isn't your future that is being dramatically altered (unless you choose it to be); it is hers.

 

JMO, but approaching a pregnancy out of wedlock as a mistake or "a sin" has a subtext of telling the woman that she is "less than" the people around her, no matter what is said on the surface.

 

Peaceful thoughts to your daughter for a healthy pregnancy.

 

 

a

I agree. Premarital sex was a mistake. A baby is not.:grouphug:

 

I haven't read the other replies but while on vacation this week, we visited a church and heard a wonderful sermon on Jesus words...Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

The preacher was speaking about people in the church being the first to judge others and gossip. He asked how we, as believers in Jesus feel we have the right to do that when Jesus never did.

:( This is nothing new, unfortunately. The first century Christians were repeatedly counseled to stop judging, and to stop gossiping. They were God's people as indicated in the scriptures, but they were sinful just as we all are. We have the letters written to them in our Bibles so that we can benefit from the same counsel. God knew we would need it.

[creekmom]

I don't know many Christians who think nothing of lying, cheating, and coveting. :confused:

 

Think nothing was poor wording on my part- basically what I meant was that there doesn't seem to be as much shame in the other sins.

[Lovedtodeath]

Think nothing was poor wording on my part- basically what I meant was that there doesn't seem to be as much shame in the other sins.

I know what you were saying. Unfortunately there are still many Christians who worry more about what other people see more than they worry about their personal relationship with God. Seeing this hipocrosy has nearly run my family out of the fold. That is why I study the scriptures so closely and see that it has been happening to God's people all along, even those first century Christians who were first chosen to rule in heaven with Christ. They were imperfect too. Edited July 15, 2010 by Lovedtodeath

[mommy4ever]

I haven't read all the replies yet. But I agree with most of what I have read.

 

There IS life after birth. It is not the end. Life is a journey and not a destination, she ended up choosing another path, so now it is what is being travelled. It is a big deal, but it's not. Hard to explain. Her new path will be filled with challenges. But any path is.

 

I was a little older than your daughter when I had my son. His sperm-donar did the same thing. He left. He has never seen my ds. He knows of him. He was told, he chose to leave. I have never seen him since. It happens. And IMO, the best thing he could have done for us. I grew up a little faster than planned. I went to college, i paid my dues for sure. I graduated with honors, tho. I worked hard, with little sleep to do it.

 

I've never received a dime from the donar.

 

Best thing that could have happened. I married, have 3 more children. My dh is his father in every way that counts. I don't have a heart-broken child as his supposed 'dad' failed to show up for visitation, or broken promises from a resentful individual who grudgingly comes to see him. He has a dad.... We tell ds(who is 16 now), that he's very lucky. Dad CHOSE him. He could have said, no, I'm not going to raise you. He CHOSE him. He is a chosen child. Some one who had no responsibility to him, chose to make him his responsibility. It takes a special man.

 

dh says for him it is easier. there is not conflict between the dad and step dad. We are not a blended family, or a step family. We are a family period.

 

Yes, it is hard. NO doubts it's hard. But when is being a first time mom NOT hard?

 

She is young, oh well. She will be fantastic! I have known many many teen moms to be fabulous parents. But let her BE the parent. Assist when needed, but let her deal with the challenges. She won't always have you, she will eventually move out. She will need to know that she has to be the adult for her baby. I've seen some families take over the baby, and when the daughter moves out, there is huge issues. Everyone resentful. Play the role of grandparent, helpful, but not there all the time. You can't do that to them.

 

As to the talk...well let them. Chances are she'll never hear it. If she does, she holds her head high and does right by her baby. No one will remember the unwed part in time, they'll just see what a wonderful mom she has become. The gossips would gossip whether she was with or without the father, whether she was 16 or 20, married or not. They are so discontent in their own lives, they need to meddle in others.

 

By the way! Congrats on soon to be Grandma! How exciting! You have taught her to be a mother, by being a mother to her. She will be fine. It's just a different path. She isn't the first, and she won't be the last. (as my devout Catholic Grandma told me). As long as she is caring for herself and her child, she will be fine, that is what matters.

[jazzyfizzle]

Things like this are what bring me close to leaving organized religion:mad:!!!! And it happens more than we realize!!!

 

Yes it does. :sad:

[mommy4ever]

My husband is having a hard time because it seems everything he has worked so hard to represent has just been flushed down the drain. How can we minister to anyone about Jesus when our very own children fall away so easily?

 

Ok, I finished reading the thread. This hits home for me.

 

I was a daddy's girl. I fished, learned to fly a plane, camped... I did everything with my dad. Then I was pregnant, single. Not good.

 

My dad ranted and raved. He had a hard time. Even after the baby came.... for several months. But because I spent a lot of time with my parents, soon, he was cooing, and snuggling "that baby". Once he saw that I wasn't the party girl that was out with every guy around, that I was first and foremost a parent.... he got it.

 

16 years later, my dad has the strongest bond with my son, out of all his grandkids, (there are 9- 4 are mine). In fact, they are SO much alike, it isn't funny. Our relationship is forever changed. But that isn't necessarily bad. It changed again when I married, and it seems to change year to year. His is still my daddy. I go to him for advice, much to dh dismay, but not on our relationship..lol..... Your husband will come around. It takes time. When his grand baby will arrive, his anxieties will start to ease. When he has that precious baby held in his arms, they will ease some more. I found my dad relaxed the most when the baby started to crawl. Now Papa could play with him. But even before that. He'd lay him on his lap, massage him, talk to him, ask about his day, and how 'his' girls were treating his baby boy.

 

So yes, it was hard initially, but I knew in my heart he didn't love me any less, but he was having a hard time adjusting to the new road ahead.

 

To this day, ds loves his papa so much, I can see ds moving in with papa once nana passes(her health is poor), simply to give him company. I've been married 14 years..lol. Dh has been here since he was 1. But that bond was forged strong. Not as a father but as a grandfather. The temper that papa displays that scared me as a child(rarely rarely seen) ds just laughs at it. They 'get' each other.

 

So just let your dh digest what is going on. His baby girl has surprised him, popped his bubble of HIS plans for HER future..... That's ok..... It'll take time for the shock to wear off.

[Nakia]

Ok, I finished reading the thread. This hits home for me.

 

I was a daddy's girl. I fished, learned to fly a plane, camped... I did everything with my dad. Then I was pregnant, single. Not good.

 

My dad ranted and raved. He had a hard time. Even after the baby came.... for several months. But because I spent a lot of time with my parents, soon, he was cooing, and snuggling "that baby". Once he saw that I wasn't the party girl that was out with every guy around, that I was first and foremost a parent.... he got it.

 

16 years later, my dad has the strongest bond with my son, out of all his grandkids, (there are 9- 4 are mine). In fact, they are SO much alike, it isn't funny. Our relationship is forever changed. But that isn't necessarily bad. It changed again when I married, and it seems to change year to year. His is still my daddy. I go to him for advice, much to dh dismay, but not on our relationship..lol..... Your husband will come around. It takes time. When his grand baby will arrive, his anxieties will start to ease. When he has that precious baby held in his arms, they will ease some more. I found my dad relaxed the most when the baby started to crawl. Now Papa could play with him. But even before that. He'd lay him on his lap, massage him, talk to him, ask about his day, and how 'his' girls were treating his baby boy.

 

So yes, it was hard initially, but I knew in my heart he didn't love me any less, but he was having a hard time adjusting to the new road ahead.

 

To this day, ds loves his papa so much, I can see ds moving in with papa once nana passes(her health is poor), simply to give him company. I've been married 14 years..lol. Dh has been here since he was 1. But that bond was forged strong. Not as a father but as a grandfather. The temper that papa displays that scared me as a child(rarely rarely seen) ds just laughs at it. They 'get' each other.

 

So just let your dh digest what is going on. His baby girl has surprised him, popped his bubble of HIS plans for HER future..... That's ok..... It'll take time for the shock to wear off.

 

What a beautiful post!

[muffinmom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It will be hard...but you will find blessings and growth that you would not have received any other way, not to mention the ability to minister to others in a similar spot. My dh's family went through this years ago with his sister. Everybody is OK now...not just OK, but better.

[lisabees]

What an amazingly beautiful thread. It is my most favorite ever. The tenderness expressed in all of your posts leaves me speechless.

 

To the OP, enjoy the new addition to your family. You have been blessed.

 

To Kari, :grouphug::grouphug:. I think of you often.