Does Family Matter At All????

[katemary63]

Our very extended family is having a reunion in my home state. I decided not to attend only because my father, whom I'm estranged from for good reason, was planning to attend and I don't want to see him. (Previous thread.) My adult daughter, who lives in that state was not planning to attend either for the same reason. If my father had not R.S.V.P.ed to the reunion, we would have all gone as a family. As you may remember, I was VERY sad and disappointed to have to miss it.

I just received an email from my brother saying that at the last minute (literally) my dad and his wife decided they could not make it. (I KNEW this would happen!) They did not give a reason. The reunion is tomorrow. Of course, there is no way I can get there now, I'm 800 miles away. But my brother and sister and their families will be there. This is a reunion of my great grandma's family so there are several lines of people we don't even know but all our aunts and uncles and first and second cousins will be there too.

So I called my daughter, who lives up there, and suggested that since my dad would not be there, she might want to go. I have kept in facebook touch with some of my first cousins, though we didn't grow up together at all, and they are really great people. But she has no interest. I guess since we are not close with either mine or my dh's parents and have some difficult relationships with some of her aunts, uncles and even some cousins, she has not experienced much in the way of positive interaction with extended family. And now, she doesn't see the point at all. Her argument is that she does not know these people, she will probably never see them again and she just has no interest in meeting extended family, ever.

I'm really sad that this is her experience and have tried to tell her that family DOES matter. She says, "Why?" And I have no idea what to say to her. So, DOES extended family matter at all, just because they are extended family? I feel they do, but don't really have a good oral argument. I love my aunts and uncles and cousins even though I have not seen them in 15 years. Truly. My DD doesn't understand why? I realize that as a nuclear family, we have distanced ourselves from certain relatives, but I tend to apply that to just the individuals who require it and still have a strong feeling of attachment to pretty much ANYONE else who is related to me. Does this make sense? My DD doesn't think so at all and I'm just wondering what you all think?

Does extended family matter at all? Or only if you KNOW them or regularly socialize with them. And if so, why?

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't know. I am also estranged from my father. He is one of 8 kids, so I have 27 first cousins on his side. I don't know any of them. I have no desire to get to know them. None of them have tried to contact me. I have been invited to a few family reunions, but I feel very much like your daughter. Why bother? Just because we are genetically related? It doesn't seem like a good enough reason. DH and I are each one of 7 kids, so we have enough brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. I don't feel like I need to connect with people I don't know.

[HeidiKC]

I think that for you, the extended family matters because you did/do have some sort of relationship with them. Since your daughter did not have that and really does not know these people, I can see how she feels. It SEEMS like it should matter since you are related, but I don't think it does in a situation like this and where it isn't too likely your daughter will ever spend time with them. And what would really be the point unless it was just to say, "we are related". I don't see that it is much different from "we live in the same zipcode" if they don't know each other and especially if there are no shared memories/experiences. Might be nice to meet them once if convenient, but not a big deal.

 

If the extended family all has memories of grandma or something about family in common that they'd share, it would seem that "family matters". But if there aren't really any shared memories or experiences, the people are essentially strangers (at least to your daughter) and I don't see any point in pushing it.

 

I've got some distant cousins I'm interested in meeting because: 1) they live on a farm that my gg-grandmother lived on, and 2) they know a lot about family history and I'm interested in that and any stories they might have, and 3) I'm a bit curious if they look like our family (doubtful) or are similar in other ways (possibly). But I don't think it is important that I meet them face to face, it'd just be kind of fun if I ever have the time.

 

Interesting how different cultures view family. I was reading a book to the kids about another country (I think maybe Haiti?) and how they'd travel to another relative's home, never having met this relative. The expectation (on both sides) was that the relatives would put up their family. All they had to do was knock on the door and they were warmly welcomed once they identified themselves! Can you imagine some Cousin Lou just showing up at your doorsteps, and maybe with a couple of kids, and you had to invite them in that moment (and probably be happy about it!), serve them dinner and make a bed for them to sleep in?! What a hospitable country that is!

[secular_mom]

IMO, no- not so much. We haven't lived near family since we got married. The only one we keep in touch with is my mother. IME, visiting with extended family just brings up lots of drama. We hardly have anything in common with them, it is uncomfortable being around them- I feel like I can't be 'me' because I would offend them all and I'd rather just stay away than cause hard feelings or more drama. (I can NOT sit there and keep my mouth shut when people are saying/doing things I find morally repugnant, or while listening to someone drone on and on and on about their political views, etc.)

They are not people I enjoy spending time with, I would never have been good friends with them and I was forced to spend time with them when I was young.

If they were... decent people, then sure, I'd visit them- one can never have 'too many' friends.

[Guest janainaz]

I think extended family matters as much as you/they desire to be in some sort of relationship. I've met people I'm not related to that I feel stronger about emotionally than my extended family and even my close family.

[4kids4me]

Maybe it's just a cultural or generational thing. My extended family doesn't really matter to me b/c I've never really had a relationship with them. My uncles, had they made an effort to be an uncle, would have mattered. But they didn't, so I don't really care. I had a great-aunt who recently passed away at 90. My mom really wanted to go to the funeral and invited me. Unfortunately I was literally already double booked both days (we would have to travel) and since it was her that I liked, and not her kids and grandchildren, I didn't feel bad about not going. If her family had cared about us when I was growing up, it would have been a different thing. (It's sad, I know...my mom divorced and it was just her, my sister, and I for the most part...my great-aunt had an amazing family complete with three cottages together where all her family would gather together. We were invited once...it was enough to realize what I was missing. Then no relationship with us after that. My mom occasionally spoke to her cousin but it felt like a real void for my sister and I. So now I don't really care.)

[TravelingChris]

My kids don't know extended family. They barely know their grandfather (he is old and doesn't want to visit us and doesn't want us to visit him because of the situation he is in). They probably couldn't identify two of the paternal uncles and have never met the third uncle (or maybe the oldest has once as a five year old). They do know my brother, their uncle. These are the only close relatives. Only my oldest has met any other relatives and that was for one evening when he had just turned five. My other relatives live in other countries. Has it made a difference? It doesn't seem to make any difference to them. They don't care that they don't have cousins. They like their uncle they know and did like their grandfather but have come to terms that he is too old and tired to visit and he has chosen his lot in life that doesn't include them.

[momofkhm]

I can see both sides, really. I don't have any issues similar to yours, just to let you know where I'm coming from. We have reunions on my mom's side every 2 years. We go even though I hate the drive. They are always in IN/IL and it's a 2 day drive for us - the gas, the hotels, the meals and it gets rather expensive. I go because family is important. Like you though, I can't verbalize why.

 

But if my mom wasn't going, I really don't know that I would. We're at the point where it could be the last time I every see Uncle Tom and Aunt Bert. The rest of that age are gone already. Then those who are mom's generation are really nice, want to catch up, make me feel like they want me there. That group is 65 and down.

 

Then my generation - other than seeing the babies, I don't really care too much. They all know each other, aren't interested in including others in their conversations, don't go outside the "group". I'm 40 and one of the oldest. I think the youngest in my generation that actually comes is early 20s. They are very into themselves.

 

Then my kids' generation is ok again. I think it's cause at their ages, who cares if you've seen them a lot or not. They are the only ones your age! Again, my three are among the oldest. I know there were 2 born right after the last reunion. And probably another one by now.

 

When my mom doesn't go anymore, I don't really know if I will go. Family is important, but even with those who want to catch up, include me, I still feel left out. Why drive 2 days there, 2 days home, for 2 days there feeling left out?

[Food4Thought]

If you haven't seen them in 15 years, your DD probably hasn't had a chance to meet them at all. I imagine she has others she would consider her "family." I feel that way with my own family. I wouldn't attend a family reunion with some of my "family" but there are other family members I connect with better than others.

 

I know you were disappointed not to be going, but it seems kind of ironic that you are expecting your DD to go, last minute, when you had already planned not to attend. I imagine she has incredibly mixed feelings about it. If the family wasn't important enough for you to go even with your father there, why are they suddenly so important now?

 

Also, if your DD is shy in any way, showing up to see a whole herd of people she's never met might be incredibly intimidating. It makes my stomach roll just thinking about it.

[JVA]

I didn't read any of the other posts. But, of course, I'll give you my perspective! :glare: (Aren't hs moms opinionated?)

 

Could she go in your place to be respectful of YOU?

 

2 years ago, one of my dd's best friend was murdered. It was awful- it still is as there hasn't been a trial YET. Our dd now lives in another city and was not able to come for the viewing/funeral. I went in her place. I knew hardly anyone - just one or two girlfriends. My dd had told the friends who were going to expect me. They were very welcoming and I was able to spend some great quality time with them but more, importantly with the deceased girl's mother- who had just recently lost her husband as well. Standing in my dd's place, I was able to get to know these lovely strangers and convey to them my dd's sorrow and condolences. I have kept in touch with the mom over the years and will sit with her in the courthouse when the trial begins in Sept.

Your dd could be a conduit FOR you.

[lionfamily1999]

Here's my thought...

 

Family is important, because it's where you came from. The same way siblings can bring perspective to your childhood, extended family can help you see your own close family from a completely different pov. Knowing how your parents were seen as aunts and uncles, knowing how your grandparents were seen as parents, knowing how your grandparents were as aunts and uncles, it all adds perspective.

 

The amazing thing about a close family is that you have so many people who saw the same things, went to the same places, ate the same foods, but when you get together to gab about it much of the time it sounds like completely different situations. These are people who are blood (therefore allowing for some assumption of unconditional love), but are radically different from yourself (in many cases).

 

I have cousins that have done things I would have never dreamed of doing. I have aunts that view my mother from an unbelievably different point than myself. I have uncles that can tell me stories about my dad from back when he was young and untouched. To me, those things are important.

 

Knowing your own history, without the input from extended family, is like the movie version of what was a great novel. It might be good, but it's not nearly as fleshed out as it would be if you knew what they had seen and felt.

[simka2]

I think it is up to the individual. My father doesn't do well with family. I've only seen a habdful of times. But his sister is very family oriented. My dad moved to Alaska, my aunt to moved to the lower 48 just to be close to family.

I am wired more like my aunt, but I am content to not be near family.

[katemary63]

I know you were disappointed not to be going, but it seems kind of ironic that you are expecting your DD to go, last minute, when you had already planned not to attend. I imagine she has incredibly mixed feelings about it. If the family wasn't important enough for you to go even with your father there, why are they suddenly so important now?.

 

You clearly have not read the thread about my dad and why, even though I desperately wanted to attend so I could see my family, who is very important to me, especially my aunt who is old and I may never see again, it would have been very unwise for me to do so.

 

The reason my daughter chose not to attend is the same as mine. To avoid an encounter with an evil person. In addition, I do not EXPECT my daughter to attend, even though her original reason for not going is no longer valid. I simply suggested that she could now do so if she wanted. (She had planned to attend in the beginning when we thought that my dad was not.) I am not trying to MAKE her go. I am simply sad that she has no attachment, due to no fault of her own, to my extended family.

 

 

Also, if your DD is shy in any way, showing up to see a whole herd of people she's never met might be incredibly intimidating. It makes my stomach roll just thinking about it.

 

She is not at all shy. And she would be attending with my brother and sister in law, sister and brother in law, mother and her first cousins that she has known her whole life. It is true that she would be meeting many people whom she had never met before but she would not be doing that alone.

Edited July 9, 2010 by katemary63

[duckens]

I think family is important from the theory that, "As family, we are there for each other."

 

The tricky part is, "IS your family there for you???" Are they supportive and forgiving and helpful? Or are they condemning and upsetting?

 

In my situation, no....not generally. I have recently cut most ties with my extended family, even my brother.

 

The history is: They don't try to understand me, and they make everything 100% my fault. (You should read the most recent emails from my brother!) There is a long history extending back into childhood of this.

 

The reality is: We are not the same politically, religiously, or even morally. I make different child-rearing choices than they do. I view government and the world differently than they do. I view corporations differently than they do. I view the environment differently than they do. I view money, the economy, and the stock market differently than they do. I view education differently than they do. I choose to feed my infant breastmilk rather than cheetos (true story). And on and on and on.

 

So....I have nothing in common with these people, and they make me feel bad whenever I interact with them. Would you make them a priority?

 

I sincerely envy people who have good relationships with parents/siblings. I have tried and tried and tried. I have just turned 40yo, and I am not going to do it anymore.

[Food4Thought]

You clearly have not read the thread about my dad and why, even though I desperately wanted to attend so I could see my family, who is very important to me, especially my aunt who is old and I may never see again, it would have been very unwise for me to do so.

 

The reason my daughter chose not to attend is the same as mine. To avoid an encounter with an evil person. In addition, I do not EXPECT my daughter to attend, even though her original reason for not going is no longer valid. I simply suggested that she could now do so if she wanted. (She had planned to attend in the beginning when we thought that my dad was not.) I am not trying to MAKE her go. I am simply sad that she has no attachment, due to no fault of her own, to my extended family.

 

I just went and found your thread. I'm very sorry - I realize my comments seem really heartless with that in mind, and that definitely wasn't my intent.

[abbeyej]

I'm with your daughter on this one. These aren't people she has interacted with in any way since she was under the age of ten? And she wouldn't have you there to introduce her around and tell her who is who and remind her with little stories of what Uncle Harold was like 40 years ago or why Aunt Maude is so suspicious of Jell-o or the time cousin Theodore set the school on fire just so he wouldn't have to admit he'd wet his pants...

 

There's nothing there for her.

 

And family's important if it acts like a family. If there had been relationships there (even from a distance) for your daughter all along, maybe she would feel differently. Or maybe if you were there to connect her to these strangers.

 

But as it stands? Nah. I don't see why she *would* go, except possibly as a favor to you.

[katemary63]

The fact is, that somewhere, deep down, I believe that it matters somehow to be genetically related to someone. I certainly have many friends to whom I feel closer to then even my own mother. I consider them more "family" then my own mother or father. But that is not the subject of conversation here. I am trying to find an argument, even if only for myself, that explains why genetic family matters.

 

Maybe it really doesn't and that is just some idealistic, romantic idea I grew up with. But truth be told, if somebody knocked on my door and told me that they were my long lost second cousin, I'd be thrilled! I'd want to know them and I'd say, "Welcome to the family!" That's just how I FEEL. I have always felt this way.

 

And this is coming from someone who has disowned her own father. But I only consider that his personal failing. He made choices. It is an extreme situation that required an extreme response. I still give every single benefit of the doubt to every one else in my family. I still want to accept them for who they are, differences and all. I still believe that in almost all cases, we should love each other, be there for each other, support each other and be able to relate on some level inspite of most differences. Am I alone in the world?

 

For example. I have first cousins I barely know. I saw them about 4 times growing up and maybe twice since. I have connected with them on facebook and have always sent Christmas cards. That is the total extent of our "relationship". However, if something happened to one of them, I would feel a "family" responsibility for help in any way I could. I would have an emotion about their hardship that goes beyond that which I would have for strangers or other similar aquaintances. What explains that? I'm just wondering, because I see that what ever it is, it is completely missing in my own daughter. This is not a condemnation of her in any way as some may have taken it. It is simply a desire to understand and think this out.

[catz]

I see both your points. I was raised away from extended family. I have no relatives in the state I live in with the exception of my 2 parents. My parents very intentionally made this decision before I was born because of odd family dynamics. So my sense of family was always from afar. I had a fairly good relationship with my grandparents, seeing them 1-4 times a year throughout my childhood into adulthood. Cousins and aunts and uncles, MUCH less frequently. So now as an adult, my parents would love to plan all reunions with these folks, and I have a hard time getting excited about it. Many of them I wouldn't recognize them if I ran into them on the street. But I can see the allure of it for them - relatives that were a big part of their lives 40+ years ago and now they have more time on your hands.

 

So I think when you aren't raised knowing and seeing the extended family on a somewhat regular basis, I think it's harder to want to maintain those ties. But now as an adult, I love having my kids have good and close relationship with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. and I hope they choose to maintain those relationships into adulthood.

[tex-mex]

I think that for you, the extended family matters because you did/do have some sort of relationship with them. Since your daughter did not have that and really does not know these people, I can see how she feels. It SEEMS like it should matter since you are related, but I don't think it does in a situation like this and where it isn't too likely your daughter will ever spend time with them. And what would really be the point unless it was just to say, "we are related". I don't see that it is much different from "we live in the same zipcode" if they don't know each other and especially if there are no shared memories/experiences. Might be nice to meet them once if convenient, but not a big deal.

 

If the extended family all has memories of grandma or something about family in common that they'd share, it would seem that "family matters". But if there aren't really any shared memories or experiences, the people are essentially strangers (at least to your daughter) and I don't see any point in pushing it.

 

 

 

:iagree: You cannot force the ds into attending the reunion. She is grown and has made her decision. Maybe in time, she will want to make ties to that side of the family? Who knows. But you have to be at peace about this decision of hers. FWIW, don't beat yourself up over not attending the reunion, either. It happens.

[elegantlion]

I see your point, but extended family works both ways. My dh and I are very close with my parents and his mother, but aside from that we rarely see extended family, especially on his side. They all live in the same region, they never have traveled to see us, we're always expected to go see them.

 

They have an upcoming annual reunion which I hate to attend, even after 18 years I feel like no one cares if I'm there. I don't think I've ever had a meaningful conversation with any of them except my MIL and one of dh's sisters. We'll try to go because dh's grandmother is getting older, but if we don't we'll get the guilt trip from them.

 

My mother moved away from most of her family and they rarely came to see us when we were growing up. Out of the 8 children in her family I am close to two aunts, that's it.

 

We moved further away a few years ago and no one has ever made an attempt to come see us, even though the invitation has been extended. They can't understand why we don't come visit more often. My dh is self-employed and our finances are tight, so any time away happens without income. It's two days of driving just to get there. :glare:

 

So, yes, I believe family is important, but if you've never known them as family it had be hard to place a priority on visiting them. And if you are going to visit on "their turf" it can be a little harder.

[katemary63]

I just went and found your thread. I'm very sorry - I realize my comments seem really heartless with that in mind, and that definitely wasn't my intent.

 

Oh, no offense taken. I knew you just didn't know. :)

[kalanamak]

My DD doesn't think so at all and I'm just wondering what you all think?

 

 

 

She's just young, and will probably change her mind after she has kids and ages a bit.

[abbeyej]

She's just young, and will probably change her mind after she has kids and ages a bit.

 

Huh. I haven't developed some interest in distant relatives with whom I've never had much relationship just because I've grown up a bit and have children. I mean, I'm cordial with those distant relatives at funerals, but I don't talk to them outside of that. ... There *are* relatives with whom I had a relationship as a child and with whom I maintain contact and interest. But that doesn't extend to people with whom I only have a vague genetic connection and perhaps met at a few family reunions as a child.

[TravelingChris]

It is very strange about genetics. I can't see any traits of my dh in his family except some physical ones. In terms of personality or talents, there is no tie there at all. On the other hand, all three of our children inherited personality or interest traits from my parents whom none of them ever met. My oldest is very into philosophy (which doesn't interest either my husband or myself at all) but did interest my father. My middle is very musical which again is from my father. My youngest is into inventing (again from my father) and also the only extrovert in our family (like my mother was). None of these things were evident in me and they only seem to come from my side. Even if one of my husband's other relatives was having a family reunion, we wouldn't be attending. Now I can't see them doing this since we were never invited to any weddings or anything like that and none of us have seen any of them since my mil passed away and I believe my dh saw some relatives at the funeral. (We couldn't afford to fly all of us plus I was a higher risk pregnancy at 7.5 months).

[kalanamak]

Huh. I haven't developed some interest in distant relatives with whom I've never had much relationship just because I've grown up a bit and have children. I mean, I'm cordial with those distant relatives at funerals, but I don't talk to them outside of that. ... There *are* relatives with whom I had a relationship as a child and with whom I maintain contact and interest. But that doesn't extend to people with whom I only have a vague genetic connection and perhaps met at a few family reunions as a child.

 

I didn't mean a burning yearning, but if there is a reunion that close by which her aunts and uncles are at (the OP said her sibs were there), I would expect a lot of people over the age of 40 to make a short trip....

 

I might not have at 18, or even 30 (I was really busy at 30, and even missed my brother's wedding when I was 33....it was the first month of residency), but by 50, certainly.

 

My boys just got back from a reunion of hubby's last living aunt, scads of his cousins, and scads of my son's second cousins. A very good time was had, and they heard lots of homesteading stories, and saw the old collapsed house out in a pasture where 6 children were birthed.

Edited July 10, 2010 by kalanamak

[Impish]

Personally, no. Extended family matters very, very little, aside from the stress and inevitable drama they leave in their wake.

 

Then again, I met with my parents because of my children, rather than my own desire, so I guess I'm willing to do for my children where no such tie exists for me.

 

I wouldn't go to any reunion, personally. I didn't grow up with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins (my parents spent a lot of my growing up years NOT talking to ppl), so I don't feel obligated by an accident of birth.

 

I do find this sort of thread interesting...when a child is adopted, its expected that the family that raises them is what's important...and yet others find genetics the sole basis for maintaining (even demanding) relationships. I say this because my dh is adopted, so I've seen it from both sides.

[Rosie_0801]

I'm really sad that this is her experience and have tried to tell her that family DOES matter. She says, "Why?" And I have no idea what to say to her. So, DOES extended family matter at all, just because they are extended family?

 

 

If you like them, yes.

If you don't like them, we need more information ;)

 

~If you don't like them because they are toxic, no.

~If you don't like them because, while they are not actually toxic, rarely offer anything except criticism, no.

~If you don't like them because they are boring, no. (This might change as people move through different stages of life, but that will work itself out.) The only exception to this rule is if they are your grandparents. Old people shouldn't be neglected for being boring. It's not like they have gone deaf and developed a habit of snoozing when you visit out of choice.

~If you don't like them particularly but there is an understanding, yes. (But you don't have to talk to them often.)

~If you don't like them, but they are your partner's parents and s/he still likes them, I'm afraid you will have to visit at least four times a year. The best tactic here seems to be to sit in a comfy chair in the corner and say nothing that won't inspire one of them to talk. Everyone will enjoy the visit more if they are talking and you aren't.

 

My mother felt the same as you and hung about being treated badly by quite a few people. The evidence did not support her theory. She still insisted, however, because friends come and go but family is always there. Uh huh. Always there to criticise. She meant they will always be there to support you when you need it, but that is blatantly not true. The ones who do that are the ones you are best friends with and you stick with them because you are friends far more than because you are related.

 

If your life is already full of people (and how many that is depends on our personalities) why pursue a relationship with someone just because you are related? You are already booked up! If there is room in your life for some more people, choosing friends from a shared hobby is likely to meet with more success. Unless you and your relative both share a passion for genealogy! I'm more interested in social relationships, for the most part. Friends who act like family are family far more than the whinging aunts. My preference will always go to people who are nice to me! I think family is important enough that I am interested in stories about extended relatives, but that doesn't mean I need to meet them. The stories are enough. Actually, in a lot of cases, the stories are enough to convince me I'm lucky not to know them!

 

Rosie

Edited July 9, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[RanchGirl]

I read your other thread and you mentioned that your sister and brother are fine with being around your dad. Maybe your dd is uncomfortable with that? I don't know. Regardless, I wouldn't let it bug me that she is not going to go to the reunion without you. When I was in my early 20s, I went to a reunion with my mom. She knew everyone, and she introduced me, and they knew who I was, but I didn't really make any meaningful connections with any of the extended family and haven't seen them since.

[Carrie12345]

I don't see extended family as important, in and of itself.

 

I'm extremely close to the extended family on my mom's side. We have an annual family party around the holidays, sometimes a pool party in the summer, and weddings are almost always huge. Some of us keep in touch through email in between events.

 

I don't know most of the extended family on my father's side. I met a few individuals here and there while growing up, but they weren't a part of my life. They're strangers. If one happened to be in town, and I somehow found out about it, I suppose I *might* meet up for coffee or something, but I wouldn't go out of my way to do so.

 

I think there's a big difference between being family and having family RELATIONSHIPS. I don't really go to those big family reunions because we're related. I go because I truly love (most of ;)) those people.

 

My kids are currently forming those same kinds of relationships with my mom's family and dh's dad's family. It would surprise me if they don't continue that when they are older, but I'd never expect them to do so with the other branches of our family.

[mommaduck]

It really does depend on "who tries". In your daughter's mind, she may think none of these people have "tried" with her...or it just may be her age/personal view.

 

My extended family is splintered drastically. Strange thing is, I've been able to pull together various relatives, even DISTANT cousins on the tree, and we all keep up with each other. WE ARE family to each other. We mourn the sad state created by the generation or two before us. But we are kinda creating a "reset button" for the family by coming together ourselves. We haven't had a family reunion (though we would love that, but the economy prevents such), but we talk on the phone, keep up on facebook, and some of us have even visited each other.

[grace'smom]

All of my extended family live several states away. I envy how they have this large family network and bunches of cousins for the kids to play with all the time. I wish I had that. It seems the ideal way for a child to grow up and I wish my daughter could experience it. But I don't feel any actual closeness to many of my cousins. I don't really know them well enough.

 

I think this is a phenomenom of the last few generations as people have started to travel away from their hometowns in greater numbers for their careers. There are many people who no longer have much interaction with their extended family simply because of distance. It seems the first set of people, usually the parents, try to keep the ties, but the children usually don't feel the same level of attachment, and their children feel less so, and so on.

[Peela]

I spent years estranged from my family. I still live on the other side of Australia to them all. But once I had kids, it changed my attitude toward extended family. I think family CAN give a sense of belonging that is valuable. But then, if your family is not very healthy, or you dont live near them, it can be better to have your own "family" in the form of a circle of friends.

 

Ultimately, I wouldnt get upset with your daughter. Its not important to her at this stage, and that's her reality and ok. There are "issues" and maybe she just wants to leave the whole family thing alone right now while she builds her own "family" of friends.

 

But I am grateful for my family, for their acceptance and love of me. I have a SIL and cousin I would consider friends rather than just family. My parents are non judgemental and tell me they think I am wonderful for homeschooling and are proud of me. It means a lot to me, even though I hardly see them. The internet is great for keeping in contact. But I wouldnt presume that everyone has the type of accepting family I have, and earlier in my life it wasn't the same at all.

[littlebug42]

I think I seem to be in the minority but I do think family is important. I am not tremendously close to my cousins/aunts and uncles and I have grieved over that my whole life. My dh's family is much closer, regardless of distance, and being part of that network of family is wonderful. I have craved it my whole life.

 

Family is essential to dh and I. We live within 10 minutes of both mothers, my sister and brother and dh's brother. I talk to both mothers every day. Our children are all close, as we are. I will never leave that. The bond is too great and I like it that way.

[secular_mom]

The fact is, that somewhere, deep down, I believe that it matters somehow to be genetically related to someone. I certainly have many friends to whom I feel closer to then even my own mother. I consider them more "family" then my own mother or father. But that is not the subject of conversation here. I am trying to find an argument, even if only for myself, that explains why genetic family matters.

 

Aaah, that would fall under evolution- it is important for our genes to continue to be passed on, so it is important for those with who we share genetic information to have a good life and continue propagating the genes.

 

LOL, I see a lot of dysfunction and disease in my family and 'bad memes' that I don't want spread to world, so blood isn't thicker than water For Me.

[*********]

A few scriptures to ponder on the subject:

 

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.” But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” Mat. 12:46-50 NKJV

 

For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:20 NKJV

 

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12 NKJV

 

Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. 1 Tim. 5:3-4 NKJV

 

 

While scripture tells us to honor our parents and care for widows in our family, it also makes clear that, as Christians, we are not members of an earthly family so much as we are members of our heavenly family. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are those who we identify ourselves as family of.

 

Our culture, the world, puts a big emphasis on extended biological family being important. And indeed, we are to honor our parents, raise our children in the Word, and care for widows in our family. But outside of those duties, we are not beholden, as Christians, to our biological families. Our brothers and sisters in Christ should be our focus.

 

Just my understanding.

[katemary63]

A few scriptures to ponder on the subject:

 

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside, seeking to speak with Him. Then one said to Him, “Look, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.†But He answered and said to the one who told Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?†And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.†Mat. 12:46-50 NKJV

 

For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Philippians 3:20 NKJV

 

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12 NKJV

 

 

 

Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. 1 Tim. 5:3-4 NKJV

 

 

While scripture tells us to honor our parents and care for widows in our family, it also makes clear that, as Christians, we are not members of an earthly family so much as we are members of our heavenly family. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are those who we identify ourselves as family of.

 

Our culture, the world, puts a big emphasis on extended biological family being important. And indeed, we are to honor our parents, raise our children in the Word, and care for widows in our family. But outside of those duties, we are not beholden, as Christians, to our biological families. Our brothers and sisters in Christ should be our focus.

 

Just my understanding.

 

Excellent post.

[lllll]

..

[katemary63]

Hey, believe it or not, she went to the reunion! Even after I told her I understood that she didn't want to and didn't mind her not going! So, I asked her if she enjoyed herself or if it was a boring waste of time. Her answer, "It was mostly a boring waste of time, but I'm glad I went." Go figure! :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:):):)

[Daisy]

Funny.

 

I would probably have been a lot like your daughter. Not wanted to go. Felt it was pointless. Felt guilty about the whole thing. Gone anyway out of some sense of it being the right thing to do. LOL.

 

I'm not big on extended family. I never grew up around them. I'm FB friends with them but have NOTHING in common with them. The odd thing is that they are all super close so I feel like the odd man out...way out in CA.

 

Anyway, I wrestle with not caring what is going on with them and feeling guilty for feeling that way.

[kalanamak]

:001_smile:

 

:001_smile:, indeed.