Bedtime routines? How long? Do you lay down with them?

[melissel]

I feel like our bedtime routines are getting out of control, spiraling later and later. Both DDs want me to lay with them pretty much until they fall asleep, but by the time I lay down with the second one, I'm out like a light myself, and DH is not fond of that :( We read on the couch together or in their beds separately, then they want me to lay with them. If I try to put a limit on it, there's whining and moaning and complaining, and I feel like a mean mama trying to pry myself out of their hands. But by the time the night comes, I really NEED for the day to be done, and I desperately need some time to myself (of course, that's usually right when DH walks in the front door).

 

I guess maybe I just need someone to say it's ok for me to put a limit on the laying with them at bedtime. Feeling like I need to extricate myself every single night is very draining. Do you lay with your kids before bed, or do you read and kiss goodnight? Some other option? Should I just suck it up and accept that this is what they need?

[Ellie]

I would not lie down with my dc when it's time for them to go to bed. At 7:30-8, they go to bed. Hugs and kisses, tucking in covers, lights out. The end.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Well, DD and I go to bed together. We are still cosleeping. So our bedtime routine is as follows:

1. Me saying it's time to go to bed, and she goes potty. Then she gathers up whichever stuffed animals are coming with us.

2. She heads into the bedroom and gets comfortable while I turn off lights/TV/computer.

3. I get into bed with her and read to her for 30 minutes or so.

4. I turn off the light and lay down. We sing songs, talk, etc. for another 30 minutes or so.

5. I finally announce that I'm going to sleep and we stop talking and go to sleep.

 

So, our bedtime routine is more than an hour long, but of course, I only have one, and I also don't have a husband to spend time with after the kid(s) are asleep. In your case, I think it is time for the bedtime routines to change. It really is okay to read and kiss them goodnight! It might be rough for a while, but if you are tough and stand by your decision, eventually the girls will get it and the whining will stop.

Mommy needs some time also!! :tongue_smilie:

 

Just another thought... could DH help with bedtime routine? You could each put one child to bed, and then switch off the next night. This would cut the time in half.

[mysticamethyst]

My kids are older but when they were young our bedtime routine was bath and teeth, story, kiss, then lights out. I woulnd't lie down with them any more its not fair to you or your dh. Yes, it will be a rough few days but in the long run will be better for all of you. We all need alone time to be a good mom and that time is found when kids are sleeping.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

I really NEED for the day to be done, and I desperately need some time to myself (of course, that's usually right when DH walks in the front door).

 

I guess maybe I just need someone to say it's ok for me to put a limit on the laying with them at bedtime. Feeling like I need to extricate myself every single night is very draining. Do you lay with your kids before bed, or do you read and kiss goodnight? Some other option? Should I just suck it up and accept that this is what they need?

 

Yes, you need time to yourself at night. So do your kids; they just don't know it yet. :grouphug:

 

We have done bedtime the same way since they were babies. They take a bath (or now a shower), brush teeth, get pjs on, we read stories while cuddling, then tuck them in with kisses and hugs. They are allowed to read in bed if they wish. The older two always do. DS4 is out like a light 2 minutes after being tucked in. That's it until the morning.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would compassionately explain the situation to the kids, give extra cuddles during the day to compensate for the ones you'll be limiting at night and then set firm consequences for getting out of bed once you have tucked them in (and understand that the first few nights will probably be hard because they have one habit and you will be starting another).

 

Good luck!

[staceyobu]

We do bath or wipe down depending on how disgusting they are.

Brush teeth.

Story for the older two by DH while I nurse baby.

Lights out.

 

I don't lay down with anyone. When my olders were babies I used to pat their backs until they fell asleep. Poor third baby gets tossed in her crib. ;)

 

I'd kick the habit and get out of their. I'm all for being a loving, wonderful parent... but a girl needs a break, kwim? Besides, I don't think it's unloving for them to just go to sleep. They'll get used to it and it won't be a big deal anymore.

[dragons in the flower bed]

My four-year-old goes to sleep so much more quickly when I lay down with him that I still do. I really didn't stop laying down with the olders until they were able to read themselves to sleep, at about age 5 or 6. Keep in mind that they sleep in the same room (and for a little while slept in the same bed, their own preference), so there are no loneliness issues just as they're supposed to be feeling secure enough to sleep. Their bedtime is early (7) in part to ensure that I don't fall asleep while putting them to sleep.

Edited July 9, 2010 by dragons in the flower bed
antecedentless pronouns

[Pegasus]

What worked well for me when my youngest was young and she was resisting letting me go at bedtime was to tell her that I would check back on her in 5 minutes. I popped in after 5 minutes and said good-night again. Usually she was pretty sleepy at this point and would just say good-night. If she still seemed wide awake, I'd tell her I'd check back in 10 minutes. This was repeated at longer intervals as needed.

 

I didn't have to do this for very long. Maybe a few weeks? Somehow it was much easier for her to let Mom go if she know she would be coming back.

 

I cheated with my second and just tucked her in bed with the first. :tongue_smilie:

 

Pegasus

[Ginevra]

A timer worked for mine. If I told him exactly what was going to happen and the order it would happen in, he accepted it. So, it went like 1. bath 2. ONE story 3. Set timer for 5 minutes, when it rings, I leave.

 

In hindsight, though, I think it's better to not set a precedent of laying down with them, even with a timer. I wouldn't do it again.

[DianeW88]

Don't lie down with my kiddos and never have. Brush teeth, say prayers, read a story, lights out.

 

Looking at the age of your kids in your signature, I'd say they are plenty old enough to fall asleep on their own. Be firm, set boundaries and stick to them. Don't give in to the protests and make them stay in their rooms. The crying and whining won't last more than a couple of nights. The rule for my kids is "once you've been put in bed, you're not allowed to get out of it unless you're bleeding, vomiting or on fire."

 

You will all sleep better and you NEED the alone time with your hubby. It's crucial to your marriage.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[Sun]

I don't lie down with my child (7). I never have, and the couple of times I tried to do so when he was sick, I found that my presence kept him awake. I do usually rub his back for a couple of minutes before I leave his room.

 

It is ok to just set a time limit and then stick to it. We need some limits to protect our own mental health! Lying down with my child just wouldn't work for me because I need that evening time to recharge myself! If I don't get some down time, I can't be a good mother the next day. My husband and I also need some couple time in the evening, and we can't get that if one of us spends an hour or more lying down with our child!

[melissel]

What worked well for me when my youngest was young and she was resisting letting me go at bedtime was to tell her that I would check back on her in 5 minutes. I popped in after 5 minutes and said good-night again. Usually she was pretty sleepy at this point and would just say good-night. If she still seemed wide awake, I'd tell her I'd check back in 10 minutes. This was repeated at longer intervals as needed.

 

I didn't have to do this for very long. Maybe a few weeks? Somehow it was much easier for her to let Mom go if she know she would be coming back.

 

I cheated with my second and just tucked her in bed with the first. :tongue_smilie:

 

Pegasus

 

Pegasus, if you're still checking in, I have a follow-up for you. I'd like to do this, but I have a tendency to just never want to go back, LOL! Seriously though, for both girls, when I've gone back, it has always seemed to reset the cycle all over again--they stiiiiilllll can't sleep; they want to ask me just one more question; they need to tell me one more thing; if they were just drifting off, my coming back wakes them back up, etc. How do you/did you avoid that? Did you just set the expectation that the return would only happen if they stayed settled?

 

To everyone else, thank you for your input. I do like the timer idea. I've always laid with both of them because they used to nurse to sleep at night, and then because we were transitioning them from the family bed to their own beds, and then the pattern was just set. It never bothered me at all when they were younger, but now that they are old enough to go to sleep by themselves AND are old enough to know that they can overreach my sad little boundaries, I'm so ready to say "Enough."

 

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling stronger and ready to set new expectations!

[MotherGoose]

I agree with most of the posters. I never have done anything to hasten sleep besides make sure they weren't hysterical as infants (some fussing is fine). It's easier to establish that when they can't get out of their cribs, but with both mine I read books then it's lights out. I have had to implement consequences for the 4 yo to keep her in the room sometimes. I usually read to her (20-30 mins) then give her a book of her choosing to read in bed and then go to sleep. She's recently begun wanting to have the light on to go to sleep, which I don't like, but we're working on things. I'd just matter-of-factly explain the change of rules since they are now "big girls" and go for it.

[phathui5]

Our bedtime routine is:

 

- read Bible

- read story (right now it's The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

- pray

- brush teeth

 

Then the kids go to their rooms. I don't care if they're actually asleep as long as they're quiet. 9yo ds and 6yo dd are allowed to read in bed.

 

When they were babies, they did sleep with us, so they were with me until I decided to go to bed.

[angela in ohio]

I would not lie down with my dc when it's time for them to go to bed. At 7:30-8, they go to bed. Hugs and kisses, tucking in covers, lights out. The end.

 

This is us (suprise, suprise! :D)

 

We do lots of love and togetherness. Unlike kids with lots of school time and afterschool activities and two working parents, my dc get a LOT of love all day. They don't realy need all the bedtime stuff. They get up early and work/play hard all day. When it's bedtime, they gladly go to sleep. :001_smile:

[2squared]

This is a hard one for me. I have found that if I spend a few minutes laying with each dc at night in their beds, they feel special and get some precious one-on-one time. That's when I am totally there to hear them and when they are able to tell me what they really need to. No one else is interrupting, nothing else is pressing for my time or attention. It's just the two of us. I find dh doing the same thing with them. :001_smile:

 

On the other hand, most nights I am so ready to be done. I think the solution is to start bedtime earlier so I can have the best of both worlds.

[ereks mom]

Don't lie down with my kiddos and never have. Brush teeth, say prayers, read a story, lights out.

 

Looking at the age of your kids in your signature, I'd say they are plenty old enough to fall asleep on their own. Be firm, set boundaries and stick to them. Don't give in to the protests and make them stay in their rooms. The crying and whining won't last more than a couple of nights. The rule for my kids is "once you've been put in bed, you're not allowed to get out of it unless you're bleeding, vomiting or on fire."

 

You will all sleep better and you NEED the alone time with your hubby. It's crucial to your marriage.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

 

I could not agree more.

Edited July 10, 2010 by ereks mom

[kmacnchs]

We take baths, get dressed, brush hair & teeth, pray, say goodnight, and turn off the lights. Sometimes my dh will read them a Bible story but not always.

 

I lay down with my dd2 & ds1 when they wake up from naps in order to wake them up gently and b/c I am so tired in the afternoon (any excuse to lay dodwn).

 

Whining & moaning in our house gets disciplined - unacceptable

 

I do not think this is what your kids need at all - I think it is what they are used to. Habits are hard to break. How old are your kids? Are they old enough (2 or older) for you to say, we will snuggle in the morning (or some other time) when we wake up. From now on, when it is time to go to bed, "this" will be our routine.

[cycle1667]

My 4 year old varies from night to night. Some nights it is right off to sleep, others I hear her thumping and bumping around but always in bed when I look in.

__________________________

Merry Go Rounds

[mlktwins]

Long story short, I ended up falling asleep with my twins starting at 18 months. Either one or the other needed/wanted me in there and would scream if I wasn't. Very, very BAD habit to get into. I was stuck in there until they were a little past 4 years old.

 

What ended up working was starting a marble jar and giving so many marbles for going to sleep with out me in there. After so many marbles they got a reward. The other thing was they wanted the light on. So...we took out most of the lightbulbs and left one 25W bulb in their ceiling fan. They wanted this for about 3 months and then decided just their night lights would do. Now they do great going to sleep.

 

I cannot tell you how much my life changed when I got out of their room at night. I had some time to decompress and/or get things done. I would always fall asleep in there and my husband would have to make sure he stayed up to come get me and bring me to bed. Once I go to sleep and wake up, I don't fall asleep again very easily. Now I'm getting a decent night sleep.

 

I love my boys, but I'm with them all day. I needed this time to myself. If I were you, I would find what works to get them sleeping by themselves. We get jammies on, brush teeth, read a story, sing a prayer song, kisses and night, night. Mine still share a room and one likes the other to tell stories once I leave so they get about 10 minutes for that.

 

Good luck!

[MamaAkins]

I would not lie down with my dc when it's time for them to go to bed. At 7:30-8, they go to bed. Hugs and kisses, tucking in covers, lights out. The end.

:iagree:

[abbeyej]

I guess maybe I just need someone to say it's ok for me to put a limit on the laying with them at bedtime. Feeling like I need to extricate myself every single night is very draining. Do you lay with your kids before bed, or do you read and kiss goodnight? Some other option? Should I just suck it up and accept that this is what they need?

 

Yes, it's totally and completely okay to limit that. ...

 

I think I weaned each of my kids from needing me to lie down with them or sit next to them at bedtime between ages 2 and 3. I love them. I snuggle them. But I *need* some alone time, some decompression time in the evenings.

 

And your kids are *not* toddlers. Yes, they may whine and fuss a bit. And that will be draining for a few days. But ultimately, you can establish a new bedtime routine for them -- one that sends them to sleep feeling loved and secure, but that does not rob you and your husband of all of your evening time (whether spent together, or just enjoying being near each other while you work on your own things).

 

First thing, I would attempt ton consolidate the pre-bedtime stuff. Read stories *together*. They will each have to learn a little patience, but that's a virtue anyway. ;) It won't hurt either of them to sit through a story the other prefers.

 

Do they share a room, or are their rooms close enough together that they can hear and maybe see you if you stand between? Tuck them in. Say prayers (or something equivalent, whatever you do). Give kisses and a little snuggle. Tuck in the stuffed animals. Whatever, but this should take no more than 5 minutes. Really and truly. Be loving and gentle but *firm* if you need to. Do not engage in argument or negotiation. "No, I love you, but it's time for bed." Then turn out the lights (if they claim fear or whatnot, perhaps you could let them select an inexpensive nightlight as a reward for their efforts at bedtime independence) and stand in the doorway (or between doorways) and sing a lullaby or recite a quiet bedtime poem. You might want a repertoire of 2-3 of these (that give you some variety but does not allow for endless demands for more). Then one last, quiet, "I love you, g'night!" and off you go.

 

They'll get up. "Mommy, I need some water!" "Mommy, I'm scared!" "Mommy, I can't sleep!" "Mommy, I need you to lie down with me!" Answer gently, *briefly*, and firmly. "Mommy and Daddy are right downstairs, so you're very safe. Now it's time for bed." "You may have one last cup of water, but tomorrow it's your responsibility to get your water before I tuck you in. Now, time for bed." "No, Mommy tucked you in already. Now it's time to sleep." etc. Second and later attempts to get up, "No. Bedtime." Do NOT engage in any arguments or negotiations.

 

Yes, it will be hard for a few days. Know that going into it. And just be prepared to be loving, gentle, firm, and *consistent*. Don't change the rules (or allow them to renegotiate the rules) in the middle. Loving, gentle, but this is how it is.

 

And the freedom you will gain will be incredible. ... And they will be gaining independence too. ... I'm a believer in attachment parenting for tiny ones. But your kids are older now. They're not babies. They're not even toddlers. They're quite capable of doing this, and they will feel more powerful ultimately because of that independence. (Right now, their sense of power is coming from their ability to manipulate you -- which isn't serving any of you very well.)

 

You can do this! :)

[Daisy]

I've never laid down with my kids either.

 

Our routine looks like this.

 

Bath

 

Brush & floss

 

They read in bed for an hour.

 

Sometime during that hour, Hubby and/or I make the rounds. We sit down on their bed, chit-chat for a few minutes, and listen to them say prayers.

 

We call a ten minute warning so they know to finish up their chapter, get a glass of water, go to the bathroom, whatever.

 

At the end of the hour, Hubby or I make the rounds again saying, "Lights Out" and give a quick hug and kiss. Sometimes they are already asleep and sometimes they beg for a few more minutes to finish up their book (which I usually will let them do).

 

The routine wasn't any different when they were preschool age. They'd just look at a stack of books or listen to a book on tape instead.

[naturegirl7]

I differ from many of the replies....I DO lay down with DS - and if I am working DH will lay down with him and/or snuggle in the rocker. DS just turned 5. We cosleep and enjoy the snuggly part of our bedtime routine. Generally, DS falls into a wonderful peaceful sleep - and easily. It was a natural transition for us - he always nursed to sleep - usually in bed cuz we were more comfty there. As he got older he would nurse a little and then snuggle to sleep. When he weaned a few months ago, we transitioned to snuggles in the bed together till he fell asleep. It a quiet peaceful time for us to reconnect and it really fills us to do so.

that said, I do fall asleep with DS sometimes, DH will come in after 20 minutes and check on us - if DS is super fidgety that night and isnt asleep yet, he will come back in another 10-15 minutes. Usually this will catch me before I fall alseep. If I did fall asleep, DH will wake me up. Then I get to enjoy putting DS to bed and quality time with DH.

Personally I think that kids need that connection for a reason. Heck, I am a grown adult and I like snuggling with DH and feeling connected! How many adults prefer to sleep alone that snuggled next to the one they love?! Kiddos need the love and affection and validation even more than we adults do. It is only natural that they want to be snuggled.

Age does not tell you much more than how long they have existed outside your womb. Each child is so unique, developing in his or her own way and time. Some kids are outgoing and some are shy. Some kids need a little extra TLC from their parents and some don't. You need to acknowledge, validate, and tend to the individual needs of your kiddos. They are only little once, we cant ever go back and change anything we have done later. If you feel they are too dependent upon you or too attached - ask yourself WHY? That may lend some insight into the situation. But in my experience, as a parent, as a friend to many parents with their own kiddos and as a teacher - they are still little and supposed to be connecting with you.

Attached parenting actually raises chldren who are MORE self secure, confidence, and independent! It is totally possible to be connected to your kiddos and fulfill their needs AND nuture you relationship with your DH (who BTW is an adult and capable of understanding the needs of his children).

 

Rather that suggest they go to sleep alone - I would suggest having DH lay with one while you lay with the other? Or push their beds together so they are cosleeping and lay next to little one at bedtime.

[fairfarmhand]

I would not lie down with my dc when it's time for them to go to bed. At 7:30-8, they go to bed. Hugs and kisses, tucking in covers, lights out. The end.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Be kind but firm. Maybe come in and check on them in a few minutes, and tell them you will be checking in.

 

Possibly audio books would be distracting???

[Teachin'Mine]

If you feel that you can't just tell them that they're growing up, and it's time to go to bed without the lying down, then maybe you can give them a choice. The choice being going to bed at their usual time, but with just hugs and kisses good night, or going to bed an hour earlier and then you'll lay down with them. I have a feeling they won't want to go to bed an hour earlier. :) You need time to yourselves in the evening.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I hate to tell someone else they are doing something wrong (unless there are real reasons to consider it wrong in which case, you'll see me state that I think so). I assume you and your kids have gotten something out of doing it your way for this amount of time. However, if you no longer want to continue, I think it more than reasonable to stop doing so. It will not harm your kids; and in fact, it may even help them.

 

I don't generally like SuperNanny, but I think she's right regarding how to do bedtime. There are a few versions to choose from which I think is good also as you may want to do one of the alternatives. Anyway, it only takes a few nights til they can do it well. It isn't going to traumatize them forever even if they are significantly upset the first night or two. But your kids being a little older may help it not be so bad anyway.

 

ETA: *I* just did it like many others have said. "Love ya; goodnight." That was it. We didn't do ANY bedtime routine outside of putting on a diaper/pull up and doing kisses (by the time they were your kids ages, oftentimes in the livingroom, not even taking them to their rooms). I know some people thing that is awful but we weren't bedtime routine people and we had plenty of other time for the things people do at bedtime.

 

However, I had foster kids to teach, a pacifier to get rid of, etc. Those things I did like SN style (before SN had a show).

Edited July 9, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Ritsumei]

We have some pretty significant fear-of-dark issues and also loneliness issues that we're still dealing with for Monkey. The transition out of Mom & Dad's bed has been a difficult one for him, and he's always been a kid that needs a LOT of touch & plenty of cuddle time. So he has cuddles from either Mom or Dad until he fall asleep. With a new baby coming next month I'm sure that routine is about to be messed up some, but I doubt that it'll entirely go away.

 

I don't think that there's anything wrong with giving cuddles where they're needed - in fact I think there is a lot right with it. However, your kids are not the only ones in the family with needs that should be met, and some of family life's most important lessons are learning to balance the needs of other people against your own. It's a life skill they will have to have.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

Kiddos need the love and affection and validation even more than we adults do. It is only natural that they want to be snuggled.

 

I wouldn't second guess the way you do things for a minute because every mom should have the right to parent as she wishes. I wouldn't want it to be assumed, however, that because a parent chooses not to lay with a child to go to sleep, that the child necessarily goes without love and affection or snuggles. We snuggle all day. We snuggle when we watch a movie, read books, have chats, when dc are sick or upset, etc. We are a very snuggly family (and I did co-sleep until each dc slept through the night without waking to eat).

 

Your situation works well for you and that's great but the OP has clearly stated that hers isn't working for her. Another thing to consider is that life with two children (or older children, etc.) is different from life with one...and so on and so on and so on. Things become more draining and more complicated (as well as more jolly, joyous and exciting, of course):tongue_smilie:when you add to your family.

 

ETA: I also wanted to add that some moms might not want a child to form the habit of needing companionship to fall asleep (to be incapable of falling asleep alone--especially when there is more than one kiddo), but still will lay down at night sometimes. DH and I do occasionally lay down with the kids at night when they have a special need to talk, when they have had a rough day, etc. Sometimes we sleep with a kiddo just as a special treat (and dd's bed happens to be the comfiest mattress in the house!).

Edited July 9, 2010 by Alte Veste Academy

[Daisy]

Personally I think that kids need that connection for a reason. Heck, I am a grown adult and I like snuggling with DH and feeling connected! How many adults prefer to sleep alone that snuggled next to the one they love?! Kiddos need the love and affection and validation even more than we adults do. It is only natural that they want to be snuggled.

 

Yeah, we just differ on the time.

 

To be honest, the bolded part of your post cracked me up. I LOVE having the bed to myself and I'm pretty sure my daughter feels the same way. Now my son will snuggle with you until he falls asleep. Then he tries to kick you out of the bed all night long (no thanks).

 

Anyway, snuggles on the couch. Snuggles in the morning. Snuggles in the afternoon. Sure. Snuggles at night. Nope, not for our family. ;)

[AHASRADA]

I would agree with the poster who suggested you and dh take turns lying down with each kid. Either that, or cuddle as a family in your bed, and then move them to theirs. Here's my perspective.

 

As a child, I have very fond memories of my mom lying down with me, chatting and keeping me company until I was sleepy. As I got older, it wasn't every day, but even when I was in high school and college, she would periodically lie down with me so we could chat comfortably until we were both ready to sleep. This is when we could reconnect, without distractions, in a private way, to share my deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams with her. In the dark silence, all the stress and chaos of the day melted away, and I could break down over a bad experience, and feel open to share my emotions. Our close relationship was nurtured by those late evening talks. Even now, when we're visiting and my kids have gone to bed, Mom and I will lie in her bed, watch HGTV and have wonderful chats until I'm ready to sleep and go to my own bed.

 

With my own kids, when we feel ready for a story and bed (usually around 9/9:30), we all pile into our king-sized bed and do our family read aloud. My dd10 usually falls asleep fairly quickly, which leaves ds13 and I to have deep, meaningful conversations that it is so hard to do during the day, especially with boys. We will lie there, each reading or watching TV or both, and then he will break the silence with a question or comment that leads to the most meaningful and important exchanges a parent can have with a child. On some nights, ds prefers to stay up and watch a movie with dh, so dd and I have our private cuddling, reading and sharing time.

 

When they were littler, we would let them sleep for 10-15 minutes in our bed, then carry them, or when they were too heavy, walk them to their own beds. Now they are both big enough that they walk to their own beds when they feel sleepy. We did not enforce any specific rules about when they were ready to fall asleep in their own beds rather than in ours, it just happened naturally at around age 9 or 10. If they do happen to fall asleep in our bed (usually because I fall asleep myself), I either wake them up and tell them to go to bed, or dh sends them when he comes to bed.

 

The only improvement that I would have liked to have made over the years is for dh to be more involved in the bedtime routine. I don't buy the "it's not fair to your dh" excuse. It's not fair to you to do all the reading, tucking in, cuddling, etc., while dh crashes and watches his favorite show. If he doesn't like the time you devote to getting the kids to bed, he should pick up the slack. By getting the kids to sleep by reading, cuddling and talking, as a family, you will have more couple time and more family time, without anyone feeling left out.

 

Kids often ask "How come you get to sleep with Daddy and I have to sleep all alone?" It's a valid question. Sleep time is cuddle and closeness time. If babies, toddlers and adults need it, why should we act as if kids should just jump into a cold bed, lie there all alone, and sleep? Just never made sense to me.

 

I hope you find the solution that works best for your family.

Edited July 9, 2010 by AHASRADA

[naturegirl7]

I wouldn't second guess the way you do things for a minute because every mom should have the right to parent as she wishes. I wouldn't want it to be assumed, however, that because a parent chooses not to lay with a child to go to sleep, that the child necessarily goes without love and affection or snuggles. We snuggle all day. We snuggle when we watch a movie, read books, have chats, when dc are sick or upset, etc. We are a very snuggly family (and I did co-sleep until each dc slept through the night without waking to eat).

 

Your situation works well for you and that's great but the OP has clearly stated that hers isn't working for her. Another thing to consider is that life with two children (or older children, etc.) is different from life with one...and so on and so on and so on. Things become more draining and more complicated (as well as more jolly, joyous and exciting, of course):tongue_smilie:when you add to your family.

 

 

 

 

When I was reading the OP - it seems more to me that most of all she wanted someone to tell her it was "okay" to not lay with them - not that she was sold on the idea (cuz she did ask for other options!) but that she didn't know how else to handle the situation. And that her DH was the one upset with the situation (not that she was upset with it - just tired from spreading herself too thin). Also she stated that SHE is the one laying with them both every night.

 

If you re-read my post I didn't say anything about snuggling needed to be at bedtime. Or that not snuggling at bedtime meant kids were not getting affection - so I am sorry if you perceived it that way. What I said was that kids NEED love, affection, validation, etc - some kids need physical affection more than others. Some kids need verbal validation more than physical affection. Some kids just NEED all of it (like my DS). The way in which you respond to the needs of each child is just as unique as the individual child.

 

I also NEVER said that she needed to lay with them and put their needs above her own. What I did say was geared towards meeting her children's needs AND her own. Such as suggesting that her DH take a more active role in bedtime. Either lay with one or maybe even both if mama had a really rough day and needs a break. And having the girls cosleep so they can fill that need for each other. It is possible to get free time for yourself and fulfill the needs of a higher needs child at the same time.

 

And more kids doesn't necessarily mean more work - I came from a large family - but we played with each other, I (as the eldest) took care of all the littles in addition to helping with chores and making dinners (by 5th grade I was making meals for the family by myself). My mom had time for tea with friends almost every day, regular girls nights out, time to read a book and take a bath at night. Things I can only dream about LOL She still managed to sit with each of us at bedtime until we were ready to head off to bed on our own. I also used to teach preschool and had 13-15 2-4yos by myself all day long - no assistants or anything. I was less drained having 15 kids in my care than just one!

All kids are different - Due to his personality and his needs, my one is challenging and demanding - I am his playmate when we are home. Playing by himself is just not a reality - he is too high needs for that to work. Plus in addition to being a mom and his teacher and his playmate and his personal chef (cuz he has severe allergies that requires everythign be made from scratch with special ingredients) and running him to countless doc appts. I also work FT outside the house. I average 4 hours of sleep a night if I am lucky - so I know how draining motherhood can be.

 

But back to the OP - if mama is exhausted and daddy is there - he should give mama a break and share the load! And not just at bedtime! Dads can be amazing at nurturing their babes - more so than many people give them credit for. I am eternally grateful for my DH and how active and involved he is. I don't think I would survive a day without him.

[Truscifi]

We do a scheduled snuggle time at bedtime. Ds has to be in bed on time to get story or snuggles, and it ends at a set time. We often use the time to talk about the day or what we want to do the next day. He then falls asleep on his own.

 

He is reading over my shoulder and telling me he doesn't fall asleep very easily. :glare:

[FourSweetBoys]

We have done bedtime the same way since they were babies. They take a bath (or now a shower), brush teeth, get pjs on, we read stories while cuddling, then tuck them in with kisses and hugs. They are allowed to read in bed if they wish. The older two always do. DS4 is out like a light 2 minutes after being tucked in. That's it until the morning.

 

Sounds heavenly! I am still co-sleeping with my one yr old and 4 yo. Dh sleeps with my 2 yo. My 10 yo goes to sleep on his own. My kids do. not. sleep. Seriously, sleep has been such an issue with my kids and I just want to get to a point where I can put my 2 yo and 4 yo in their own beds and they will just sleep all night. They are tired and cranky from lack of sleep because they wait until we go to sleep and that's not until after 9, closer to 10. And they are still up at 8. I know it's not in their best interest to keep going like this but I am SUCH a wimp when it comes to hearing them cry. :(

[FourSweetBoys]

Kids often ask "How come you get to sleep with Daddy and I have to sleep all alone?" It's a valid question. Sleep time is cuddle and closeness time. If babies, toddlers and adults need it, why should we act as if kids should just jump into a cold bed, lie there all alone, and sleep? Just never made sense to me.

 

I vividly remember laying in bed at night as a child, longing for the day I would get married, just so I wouldn't have to sleep alone anymore. My parents would never let me sleep with them, even when I was scared. I guess that is one reason I cater to my kids so much at night, I don't ever want them to feel like that.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

We have done bedtime the same way since they were babies. They take a bath (or now a shower), brush teeth, get pjs on, we read stories while cuddling, then tuck them in with kisses and hugs. They are allowed to read in bed if they wish. The older two always do. DS4 is out like a light 2 minutes after being tucked in. That's it until the morning.

 

Sounds heavenly! I am still co-sleeping with my one yr old and 4 yo. Dh sleeps with my 2 yo. My 10 yo goes to sleep on his own. My kids do. not. sleep. Seriously, sleep has been such an issue with my kids and I just want to get to a point where I can put my 2 yo and 4 yo in their own beds and they will just sleep all night. They are tired and cranky from lack of sleep because they wait until we go to sleep and that's not until after 9, closer to 10. And they are still up at 8. I know it's not in their best interest to keep going like this but I am SUCH a wimp when it comes to hearing them cry. :(

 

:grouphug: It can be so exhausting, especially when they're young. I never did cry it out either. I used the concepts from The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I love that book and highly recommend it.

[MaMa2005]

Teeth, shower, hugs and kisses and finally 'kissing hands' (from the book The Kissing Hand). Tucked in, music on, and out of the room. I would say 98% of the time, DS is asleep withing 5 minutes.

 

Honestly, if I laid down with DS, I would probably be asleep before he was and that just doesn't work :tongue_smilie:. We would never have clean clothes, clean dishes or a sane MaMa.

[Lovedtodeath]

We sleep with our kids. We are attachment parenting all the way, always have been. They keep us up past our bedtime and we stay with them. Bedtime routine before sleeping is about 45-90 minutes. It just depends on how tired they are.

[Pamela H in Texas]

We co-slept with my son, but the kids went to bed at an appropriate time and by themselves for the most part. I could not have been even a half-decent mother had I not had the time without them. I also don't think it healthy for them (GENERALLY; all people are different) to stay up as late as an adult usually does.

 

It never crossed my mind when I was a young child about sleeping alone/with someone. My stepsister and I shared as preteens and teens when we both were at the same house. It still never crossed my mind. Hubby and I slept intertwined for years, but usually don't sleep together any more. We go in spurts, but generally no.

[melissel]

Thanks everyone, you've given me a LOT to think about.

 

This is a hard one for me. I have found that if I spend a few minutes laying with each dc at night in their beds, they feel special and get some precious one-on-one time. That's when I am totally there to hear them and when they are able to tell me what they really need to. No one else is interrupting, nothing else is pressing for my time or attention. It's just the two of us. I find dh doing the same thing with them. :001_smile:

 

ITA with you and the other posters who expressed this. I've experienced it too, and I think it's so important, especially for my DD7, whose need for attention really gets shunted aside by her sister's intense personality. That's part of why I'm so conflicted about all of this!

 

...Rather that suggest they go to sleep alone - I would suggest having DH lay with one while you lay with the other? Or push their beds together so they are cosleeping and lay next to little one at bedtime.

 

Unfortunately, DH is not home when bedtime rolls around. He doesn't usually arrive home until we're in the middle of bedtime (or it's already done), and at that point he's starving and burned out from his day (which is basically nonstop client servicing--he doesn't even have time to sit down and eat lunch). And the girls are in separate rooms.

 

As a child, I have very fond memories of my mom lying down with me, chatting and keeping me company until I was sleepy. As I got older, it wasn't every day, but even when I was in high school and college, she would periodically lie down with me so we could chat comfortably until we were both ready to sleep. This is when we could reconnect, without distractions, in a private way, to share my deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams with her. In the dark silence, all the stress and chaos of the day melted away, and I could break down over a bad experience, and feel open to share my emotions. Our close relationship was nurtured by those late evening talks. Even now, when we're visiting and my kids have gone to bed, Mom and I will lie in her bed, watch HGTV and have wonderful chats until I'm ready to sleep and go to my own bed.

 

That is so sweet!!!

 

I'll think more about this (I'm sure! :lol:) I like the timer idea, and I also like the idea of starting bedtime earlier. Usually, by the time bedtime rolls around, I'm so wiped that I let the timing slide later and later, but if I actually get started earlier and set the expectation that, when I say it's time for me to get up, there can be no arguing, maybe I can meet their needs and mine a bit too.

 

It's funny, last night I got everyone going early and had DD4 in bed at 8:30 (the appropriate time). Well, I was in and out of her room until I finally brought her into my bed at 9:30. She fell asleep at 10:00. I was practically tearing my hair out because she was bouncing off the walls. This morning at breakfast I happened to look at the back of the package of Jelly Belly jelly beans she'd had for dessert the night before, and I noticed two ingredients that I hadn't known were in there: coffee and caffeine! My kids rarely have chocolate and never have caffeinated drinks of any kind, so this was a new experience for her little body :001_huh: We'll chalk that one up to a lesson learned :lol:

 

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate all your input!

[Pegasus]

Pegasus, if you're still checking in, I have a follow-up for you. I'd like to do this, but I have a tendency to just never want to go back, LOL! Seriously though, for both girls, when I've gone back, it has always seemed to reset the cycle all over again--they stiiiiilllll can't sleep; they want to ask me just one more question; they need to tell me one more thing; if they were just drifting off, my coming back wakes them back up, etc. How do you/did you avoid that? Did you just set the expectation that the return would only happen if they stayed settled?"

 

 

I found it critical to ALWAYS check back in if I told my DD that I would. Honestly, she was almost always asleep by the second time I checked in on her so I thought she wouldn't know if I had popped in or not. One day, I got involved in something else and forgot to check back in on her. She went to sleep just fine but when she woke up in the morning, she started crying that I didn't come back. Somehow, even when she was asleep or falling asleep, she could tell when I came back to check on her.

 

My condition was that I would come back and check on her but she had to stay in bed and stay quiet. If your kids are still wide awake and wired when you come back to check on them, you will probably need to extend the time between visits (maybe start with 10-15 minute checks instead of 5 min). Also, checking in on them does NOT mean that it's time to ask questions or start a conversation. It was a simple "Goodnight sweetie, sleep well." and if she was still awake I'd add "I'll check back in 10 minutes."

 

Good luck. I know it seems tough now but it's just another stage.

 

Pegasus

[katemary63]

I do lay down with my DD9 but she does not complain when I leave or if I decide not to on a certain night. She knows that without a doubt, if she did, the laying down would stop. You have to have your kid's respect in that they have to know that what you say goes. With mine, what I say ALWAYS goes, so she knows it does at bed time too. For you, I would just stop the laying down all together, at least until a better routine was established. Yes, it is right to put a priority on your time with your DH. You are a good mom simply for tucking them in. You don't HAVE to stay. It is fine.

[AppleGreen]

Sounds heavenly! I am still co-sleeping with my one yr old and 4 yo. Dh sleeps with my 2 yo. My 10 yo goes to sleep on his own. My kids do. not. sleep. Seriously, sleep has been such an issue with my kids and I just want to get to a point where I can put my 2 yo and 4 yo in their own beds and they will just sleep all night. They are tired and cranky from lack of sleep because they wait until we go to sleep and that's not until after 9, closer to 10. And they are still up at 8. I know it's not in their best interest to keep going like this but I am SUCH a wimp when it comes to hearing them cry. :(

 

Have you read Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? (I think I am spelling her last name incorrectly, but I am short and time and don't want to look it up). She is also the author of Raising Your Spirited Child. I love her stuff and the part about them being tired and cranky really reminds me of her work. It may be worth a read. I tried CIO two nights w/ my oldest when he was a baby and it was not for us. He was a really difficult sleeper...really difficult. I had many tear filled nights w/ him, so I certainly relate to your frustration. My girls were easier sleepers. After nighttime routine my 4 year old does go to sleep fine and sleeps through the night, but my eldest would not have done that. I don't know that at 2 my girls were going to sleep on their own, but it was shortly after.

 

Anyway, I highly recommend the above mentioned book. Sleep stuff is hard!

 

To the OP, yes I will still lay down with my oldest when he asks me (most nights). I will not l stay until he falls asleep despite his requests. My girls really don't ask me, however everyone gets a little 1 on 1 time with me before bed where we read our story and maybe play a quick game of 3 card rummy or crazy eights. I try very hard to not deny my children that time when they request it. They will not ask me to snuggle them forever, so even when I don't feel like it I am mindful that this time w/ little children is not forever. My MIL says she often wishes for just one day w/ her young boys again. She says she would appreciate that stage so much more with the knowledge that even though the days are long the years are fast.

 

We also start bedtime very early and have our children in bed early. The baby is still a little wild card depending on his nap etc. When my oldest was 5 he still needed me to lay with him until he was asleep. We tried for many months to get him to the point where he could go to sleep w/o having one of us present and eventually he was able to do it, but it was not an overnight process. Many people find using a song (I will lay with you for these 3 songs then I need to leave) helpful. We did use the "I need to go do xyz, but I will be back to check on you" w/ great success w/ my oldest (yes go back and check and if he was still awake I would repeat). We did let him listen to a tape as he transitioned from us, however I don't let him now b/c it keeps him awake and I prefer he read.

 

I hope you are able to find a good balance for you. My dh and I remind each other that these days will not go on forever. Right now our children are young and need us and it is important that we find the balance between their needs and our needs. It helps that my dh works from home, so i do get to touch base w/ him during the day.

[melissel]

Thanks Pegasus, KateMary, and AppleGreen. Just to clarify, my DH only doesn't like when I fall asleep with the girls because I end up sleeping with them all night (if I get up to try to transfer, I can't fall back asleep and end up awake half the night). He doesn't mind my laying with them because he's either not home yet or using the time as his alone/down time too. My main problem is that I need the time! I need the day to end by then. DH is OK with the general routine as long as I don't fall asleep.

[jujsky]

I don't lay with them, and never have. We have stories on the couch, brush teeth, then they go to bed where we'll sing them a song, kiss them good-night, and that's usually the end of it. We had a couple spells where the kids were continuously getting out of bed, but we remained consistent about putting them right back into it.

 

The bedtime routine was one thing in a long list of many wrong things that I actually got right. Potty training? That was MY nightmare! ;)

[AppleGreen]

Thanks Pegasus, KateMary, and AppleGreen. Just to clarify, my DH only doesn't like when I fall asleep with the girls because I end up sleeping with them all night (if I get up to try to transfer, I can't fall back asleep and end up awake half the night). He doesn't mind my laying with them because he's either not home yet or using the time as his alone/down time too. My main problem is that I need the time! I need the day to end by then. DH is OK with the general routine as long as I don't fall asleep.

 

Can he wake you up if you fall asleep? Tell him, "If I'm not down by ___, come give me a nudge" I totally hear you on the falling asleep! It makes the rest of my night's sleep wonky if I doze off. When we have had dh lay w/ a little to sleep, I often had to give him a nudge to wake up. Somebody else may have suggested this, but what if you sat on the end of their bed? Or I make cookies on their back (they love this!) and then sit on the edge as they relax into sleep? I really hear you on needing the day to end! That is why I will lay with my kids and it never is long enough for my oldest, but I just have to have a little exhale time, so my compromise is I will lay for a quick conversation or back rub, but when I feel dozy...up I pop! LOL

[lea1]

We let each of our two sons pick a book to read, after putting on PJ's and brushing teeth. We sit in the beds in their room and read the Bible, then pray, then read the two books they have chosen.

 

After that, there is one last trip to potty then to bed, lights out. Each one gets a short back rub and then I say good night and leave the room. It normally takes about 30 minutes total, including PJ's and brushing teeth.