I am tired of the double standard with boys

[Nestof3]

I am tired of hearing, "Well, he's a boy" in response to simple things. Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house. Boys shouldn't be expected to water the pots and tiny garden while the parents are out of town (after being explicitly asked). Boys shouldn't be expected to keep things picked up.

 

Or, if it's not that, I get, "Well, I'm sure he'll keep his house better. It's not the same since this isn't his house he's living in."

 

Then I visit my inlaws, and it's no wonder! The man doesn't even know what he orders from McDonalds. His wife has to do it for him.

 

This goes beyond my husband -- it's everywhere. Boys should be able to eat the food, use the CDs, use the electricity, use the Netflix subscription and so on, but they shouldn't be expected to do anything domestic. :rant:

[Scuff]

Well, that's not all families :) If anything our boy does more work, being the oldest and most capable.

[dangermom]

Ick. Well, ignore all those voices and train your boys properly--their wives will LOVE you for it.

 

My own MIL did many things right that I am grateful for--but teaching her children to do chores and notice what needs to be done was not one of them. :glare: We've been married 14 years and he has improved, but not as much as would be nice.

[FaithManor]

I am sorry you are surrounded by people that feel this way. I am lucky to be in a conservative agricultural area where boys are expected to work hard. Usually, these kids are helping in the house until they are teenagers and then they help dad with his work once they are old enough to operate machinery or handle a cow.

 

We are in a big 4-H area and 4-H kids, by virtue of how the organization is run, tend to be pretty responsible.

 

Stay the course....don't listen to the dissenters! Our boys, the three musketeers, do dishes, fold laundry, sweep floors, mop floors, take care of ducks and pet rabbits, water the garden, mow the lawn, and help daddy with house maintenance. They are learning how to change the oil in the car as well. So, there are places in which boys are still held to a higher standard. Ignore the naysayers. We also take away privileges of all kinds if we receive attitude about helping or a job is not done right even though proper instruction was given.

 

Faith

[Nestof3]

Yes, he mows the lawn (and works with my husband, but he gets paid well for that) and changes his own oil, but it's just like when I was growing up. Boys would mow the lawn, which was needed once a week. The rest was girls' work.

 

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. He'll do better in his own home, you cannot expect him to care about ours. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

 

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own.

 

I am sorry you are surrounded by people that feel this way. I am lucky to be in a conservative agricultural area where boys are expected to work hard. Usually, these kids are helping in the house until they are teenagers and then they help dad with his work once they are old enough to operate machinery or handle a cow.

 

We are in a big 4-H area and 4-H kids, by virtue of how the organization is run, tend to be pretty responsible.

 

Stay the course....don't listen to the dissenters! Our boys, the three musketeers, do dishes, fold laundry, sweep floors, mop floors, take care of ducks and pet rabbits, water the garden, mow the lawn, and help daddy with house maintenance. They are learning how to change the oil in the car as well. So, there are places in which boys are still held to a higher standard. Ignore the naysayers. We also take away privileges of all kinds if we receive attitude about helping or a job is not done right even though proper instruction was given.

 

Faith

[athena1277]

My ds in only 3, but I plan to teach him how to handle all household chores. I want him to have the skills and (hopefully) willingness to help his wife with some of the household chores. He'll learn the outside stuff, like mowing the lawn too. He won't be able to tell his wife "I don't know how." :001_smile:

[merry gardens]

I am tired of hearing, "Well, he's a boy" in response to simple things. Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house. Boys shouldn't be expected to water the pots and tiny garden while the parents are out of town (after being explicitly asked). Boys shouldn't be expected to keep things picked up.

 

Or, if it's not that, I get, "Well, I'm sure he'll keep his house better. It's not the same since this isn't his house he's living in."

 

Then I visit my inlaws, and it's no wonder! The man doesn't even know what he orders from McDonalds. His wife has to do it for him.

 

This goes beyond my husband -- it's everywhere. Boys should be able to eat the food, use the CDs, use the electricity, use the Netflix subscription and so on, but they shouldn't be expected to do anything domestic. :rant:

Wow. Your rant took a different direction than I expected. My MIL bashes men. I can't stand her double standard for men and women. My husband grew up with his mom expecting him to do domestic chores, both inside and out. Except she never really counted the help he gave with the outside chores and major home remodeling and repair. He was expected to do all that AND the dishes and cleaning, etc. She's still like that. She complained that my husband "never helps her" two days after she was over at her home doing all sorts of odd jobs. :glare:

[LibraryLover]

Lots of people reject that notion. I don't personally know anyone who truly believes that. Not even my Dad or Mom. In fact, it was my grandfather, rip, the who cared for us frequently when my mom & dad were working. My mother worked p/t, and my g'mother was younger. GF retired early, GM did not. I grew about around working men and women, and a man who was a wonderful and loving grandfather...making us sandwiches when we were little...all of that. My dad could do all of that, but he wasn't as a good of a role model in that way as my maternal grandfather. Of course, my dad was the doted-on baby in his family. I think he would have been a bit spoiled even if he had been a girl. ;)

 

My boys certainly know how to cook and do laundry etc. So does my dh, for that matter, and he has helped to teach them.

Edited July 5, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Nestof3]

In our family, there is a difference between knowing how to do something and doing it, especially when not specifically asked to. I can teach the skills, but I clearly haven't been able to change the heart.

 

My mother-in-law worked after her husband retired, and she would come home from work to make him lunch. She would then go back to work.

 

I'm glad to know that so many here have not experienced this.

 

Lots of people reject that notion. I don't personally know anyone who truly believes that. Not even my Dad or Mom. In fact, it was my grandfather, rip, was the one who cared for us frequently when my mom was working. My mother worked p/t, and my g'mother was younger. He retired early, she did not.

 

My boys certainly know how to cook and do laundry etc.

[Renee in NC]

Not here. I had 4 boys before I had any girls and the boys pull their own weight just like the rest of us.

[dangermom]

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. He'll do better in his own home, you cannot expect him to care about ours. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

 

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own.

If he's an adult then he needs to act like one and contribute to the household like an adult does. It's probably true that he won't want to--that seems to be endemic in young adults--but he should still do it. That's what adults do. (Also, girls appreciate guys who do stuff.)

[Danestress]

I would consider this non negotiable. If you live in my house and create work for me, you do things for me too. If he considers it a "favor" to you to unload the dishwasher, fine. He considers it a favor. As long as he does it, that's what matters.

 

I don't really expect my kids to do as lot without being asked. They seem to not "see" the work that needs to be done. But as long as they very politely and immediately do what I ask, I am okay with that. My boys do all the normal things - empty dishwashers, clear and set tables, vacuum, pull weeds, put laundry away. But mostly they do these things when I mention they need to be done. I can't even imagine debating with my husband whether they should have to do these things. Since they normally fall to me, I assign as I please. If they were DH's jobs, I would figure he could do them or delegate. I think it's probably fruitless to complain about these things to your DH. Just ask your son to do what you see needs doing, and limit the discussion. But I am not a grown man's maid. I can't, in my wildest dreams, imaging making my grown son's bed. Or my 12 year old's either.

[nmoira]

Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

But it's OK for you to be treated like a servant? I'd be inclined to make him a gift of his own towel set, sheets, place setting, glassware, etc. And ask him not to use "your" stuff without permission or unless it's returned to its original state within a short period of time after use. Oh, and he'd be of course welcome to take those things when he moves out. ;)

 

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own.

He's an adult. I'd bill him for this and at least a part of his room and board.

[TammyinTN]

This is definitely not how things roll in our house. My dh and ds just finished with 3 loads of laundry and washing up the dishes. They are also going to clean the bathrooms and vacuum and dust for me today. I'm working on some school stuff and dh saw that it needed to be done. What a guy!:D

[Laurie4b]

I am tired of hearing, "Well, he's a boy" in response to simple things. Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house. Boys shouldn't be expected to water the pots and tiny garden while the parents are out of town (after being explicitly asked). Boys shouldn't be expected to keep things picked up.

 

Or, if it's not that, I get, "Well, I'm sure he'll keep his house better. It's not the same since this isn't his house he's living in."

 

Then I visit my inlaws, and it's no wonder! The man doesn't even know what he orders from McDonalds. His wife has to do it for him.

 

This goes beyond my husband -- it's everywhere. Boys should be able to eat the food, use the CDs, use the electricity, use the Netflix subscription and so on, but they shouldn't be expected to do anything domestic. :rant:

 

Sounds like mostly an issue with your dh (and his extended family) and his standards being the ones accepted by your oldest ds, which would be natural.

 

I was raised mowing the lawn AND doing the dishes; helping my father build patios AND doing Saturday housekeeping. My dh doesn't do a lot of housework, but it's because he works extremely long hours, not because he thinks it's beneath him. My sons all do the kitchen clean-up, the oldest do their own laundry, etc. My oldest won't cook, but the others cook frequently. We live in the woods, so no lawn to mow, but lots of wood to chop.

 

I've never heard anyone in my circle condone double-standards for boys vs. girls in terms of chores.

[Mejane]

I have a son and a daughter, and they both know how to cook, do laundry, and write a check (something my 80yo fil did not know how to do until mil died.) My daughter mows the lawn, and my son vacuums.

 

I do think there are other gender differences, though. My son at 14 is, er... a bit scattered mentally (I really believe it's the hormones), and is so full of energy that when he walks into a room, something shatters. There's nothing he "can't" do because he's a boy, though. Well, except give birth. ;)

[Mejane]

Lots of people reject that notion. I don't personally know anyone who truly believes that.

 

 

My fil does. He still looks at my dh funny when he gets up to clear the table. His daughters wait on him hand and foot. What's worse is he does all those things for himself since mil died, but if he's visiting one of us he won't lift a finger. :glare:

[Ellie]

Yes, he mows the lawn (and works with my husband, but he gets paid well for that) and changes his own oil, but it's just like when I was growing up. Boys would mow the lawn, which was needed once a week. The rest was girls' work.

 

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. He'll do better in his own home, you cannot expect him to care about ours. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

That's when you snatch him baldheaded and tell him that he is never, ever to say that to you again under any circumstances. He can do what he wants in his own house; in yours, he has certain responsiblilities, just as every other member of the family, regardless of gender, does.

[FaithManor]

The worst case I have ever seen was a man from our church who thought anything inside the house, except for maybe repairing an appliance or window or something, was beneath the exaulted man! He expected his wife to lay out his clothing in the morning and wait on him hand in foot. He was a good provider but he wasn't kind to his wife.

 

I went to school with one of his daughters. She told me that when she got from home, she and her sisters had to get their homework done asap so that the house would be in perfect order when he got home from work. They would his fill his plate, clear his plate, etc. help their mother with all of the clean-up and then...get this...until bed time....They had to sit in a chair behind his and wait for him to snap his fingers because he wanted them to get something for him! Oh, man....my dad always wanted to go to his house and SNAP him in the head!

 

Of course, my dad changed a lot by the time we children were born because my first born mother wasn't going to take any chauvenistic cr*p! Early in their marriage, he was watching t.v. one night while she cleaned up after a big meal she had served his family. She was still standing at the sink cleaning up (the guests had left) and he wandered in and offered to "help wash those dishes if you'll promise to have 'tea' with me tonight". She smacked him in the face with the wet wash rag and told him to do the job himself. She went to the bedroom, got a blanket and pillow, and put it on the couch for him. She went to sleep with the bedroom door locked! I think he learned his lesson!! (Mom told me about this incident just a few years ago...we didn't know my dad was listening and so we heard this voice from the living room say, "YEAH, I WAS A BIG JERK BACK THEN!".

 

Anyway, I am determined to make sure that my boys don't think helping their mother or their wife do whatever, is beneath them.

 

Faith

[Pam Wilhelm]

My husband was a bachelor until he married me at 35....... he is as neat as a pin (usually)! He learned how to cook, clean, shop, AND is an excellent mechanic, etc..... our son will be the same way.

[Miss Marple]

Sounds more like family dynamics than general population reality.

 

I had 2 sisters growing up. My dad taught us to change our oil, tires, mow the lawn, pour concrete. I can even lay brick and stone - can't do concrete blocks because they are too heavy :D (dad was a masonry contractor)

 

I have 4 sons - all of whom can clean a toilet, fix a meal (when necessary), do their own laundry, dust the furniture, and grocery shop (actually they love this chore - I hate it, so that works out great for all concerned).

[kiana]

 

I went to school with one of his daughters. She told me that when she got from home, she and her sisters had to get their homework done asap so that the house would be in perfect order when he got home from work. They would his fill his plate, clear his plate, etc. help their mother with all of the clean-up and then...get this...until bed time....They had to sit in a chair behind his and wait for him to snap his fingers because he wanted them to get something for him! Oh, man....my dad always wanted to go to his house and SNAP him in the head!

Faith

 

......... words fail me

 

I agree 100% with your dad ...

[Jean in Newcastle]

As far as "owning" the chores and being "house proud", it is often true that a young man or woman will not want to do them until it is their own house. And even then, it doesn't always happen. I think the attitude that "this is our house (shared by all who happen to live here at the time) and that we all pitch in to help", is how we like to do it in our household.

[MIch elle]

MIL did everything BUT it all changed when dh married me. We worked equal hours and received similar salaries so I MADE him do almost equal work and when he wouldn't do it, I got a cleaning lady 1/wk (until I quit work to stay home w/dc).

 

My teenage boys are TRAINED properly! My dh tried to fight me on training them early on but I wouldn't have it (they're too little, it's easier to do it ourselves, blah, blah, blah). They've learned to do their part. I'm not the cleaning lady even though they would like one, lol!

 

Shared home = shared chores :D TOUGH LOVE!

 

YOU need your dh to back you up! :grouphug:

[Guest janainaz]

Mine are being taught to do ANY task. I remind my boys every day that they should pitch in and help without being asked. They should know how to do laundry, iron, vacuum, etc. Someday when they are married I want their wives to know that they were taught to do domestic chores and that they were encouraged to jump in and help. My dh and his brothers sit back and let the women do the work and it irks me to no end.

[Pretty in Pink]

I only have boys, but they pull their weight. Your ds is not an adult, and regardless he is still living under your roof and therefore consuming household resources as well as contributing to the upkeep of the home. Every member of the family should be contributing to household upkeep. I don't understand where your dh is coming from...?

 

Today my 11yo cleaned the entire kitchen (empty/load dishwasher, wipe surfaces, sweep, etc.) and emptied all of the trash cans and replaced the liners. Later he will trim some of the shrubs with a manual trimmer, clean the bunny cage, water the tomato plants, clean the kitchen again, and put the trash out by the road. Tonight we're going to begin painting a room together after the little boys go to bed.

 

He does bathroom chores, laundry chores, trash chores, outdoor chores...doesn't matter. BUT, my dh sets a good example when he's home and pitches in on these tasks as well. My kids have seen their dad change diapers, put away dishes, fold laundry, mow the lawn, rock a crying baby...I'm sure their attitudes would be vastly different otherwise.

 

ETA: My boys have also seen me mow the lawn, jump a car, change a battery...you get the idea. We try to foster an attitude of if something needs to be done, you just do it. My dh didn't grow up making beds or scrubbing toilets but he has never minded doing those things in our home. Maybe living in the barracks for a few years before we got married and being held to strict cleaning standards helped.

Edited July 5, 2010 by Pretty in Pink

[laughing lioness]

I am sorry you are surrounded by people that feel this way. I am lucky to be in a conservative agricultural area where boys are expected to work hard. Usually, these kids are helping in the house until they are teenagers and then they help dad with his work once they are old enough to operate machinery or handle a cow.

 

We are in a big 4-H area and 4-H kids, by virtue of how the organization is run, tend to be pretty responsible.

 

Stay the course....don't listen to the dissenters! Our boys, the three musketeers, do dishes, fold laundry, sweep floors, mop floors, take care of ducks and pet rabbits, water the garden, mow the lawn, and help daddy with house maintenance. They are learning how to change the oil in the car as well. So, there are places in which boys are still held to a higher standard. Ignore the naysayers. We also take away privileges of all kinds if we receive attitude about helping or a job is not done right even though proper instruction was given.

 

Faith

 

:iagree:Around here we are equal opportunity workers. The girls know how to drywall (recently aquired skill!) and haul dirt, etc. and the boys know how to do laundry and clean the kitchen. As the kids get older we do have the boys do more of the heavy work.

[Geek]

Hmm. I don't run into that attitude too much around here.

[RobinF]

We don't have that attitude around here. While I do think there are differences between girls and boys in some general traits. I believe that I am training my boys to be husbands one day, I hope that they do the job well. :001_smile: Of course I am married to a man whose nickname for me is Beautiful and treats me like a queen. He expects our boys to do the same. And yes, I do realize how blessed I am.

[OhM]

Sounds more like family dynamics than general population reality.

 

 

:iagree:

 

A friend has 3 boys (one - an adult-divorced w/kids, a 19yo, and a 17yo) and one daughter (12). I talked to her several weeks after her recent hysterectomy, and she was still dealing with severe pain. She finally admitted that she was still "looking after the family" and couldn't get the rest that she needed - had a family dinner the weekend before, was watching oldest son's kids, and was in desperate need of someone to go to the grocery for her! She has 3 men (including her dh) able to drive in the house, and one grown son nearby and no one could go to the grocery for her????!!!!! You have got to be kidding me.

 

As I've gotten to know her, I've not been able to figure out if her dh requires it, or she encourages it, but somehow they have some pretty strongly reinforced gender roles (as well as a strong sense of entitlement) going on there - to the point of ridiculous! I really pity those boys' future wives! (And have warned my older dd to stay away from them!)

[kmacnchs]

I HATE it when everyone has a double standard of obedience. When I just had girls, people would say they were well-behaved just because they were girls. :glare: I have found NO ONE expects boys to behave, sit still, etc. They are truly surprised when my son obeys me - it's SOO FRUSTRATING to me.

 

Sort of a tangent, sorry. I hear you though. As others were saying, PLEASE keep your future dils in mind as you raise your boys!

[TXMary2]

Then charge him rent or encourage him to move out. My oldest moved out on June 1st because he wanted to be on his own and not have me and my dh tell him what he had to do. He is doing very well so far and just bought his first car.

 

Yes, he mows the lawn (and works with my husband, but he gets paid well for that) and changes his own oil, but it's just like when I was growing up. Boys would mow the lawn, which was needed once a week. The rest was girls' work.

 

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. He'll do better in his own home, you cannot expect him to care about ours. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

 

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own.

[runmiarun]

That's when you snatch him baldheaded and tell him that he is never, ever to say that to you again under any circumstances. He can do what he wants in his own house; in yours, he has certain responsiblilities, just as every other member of the family, regardless of gender, does.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[dragons in the flower bed]

Not here.

 

My boys do laundry, make a meal, care for the littles, and they can all order their own fast food. The daddio was a SAHD until the oldest was ten. The oldest naturally modeled his own behavior, during adolescence, after what the daddio did. The younger four children modeled their behavior after the oldest (who is older by ten years). I think I fell in love with the daddio because of the way he was with the domestic stuff.

 

But yes, if that was going on in my family, it would be hard not to be rant. :grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Edited July 5, 2010 by dragons in the flower bed

[Audrey]

I am tired of hearing, "Well, he's a boy" in response to simple things. Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house. Boys shouldn't be expected to water the pots and tiny garden while the parents are out of town (after being explicitly asked). Boys shouldn't be expected to keep things picked up.

 

Or, if it's not that, I get, "Well, I'm sure he'll keep his house better. It's not the same since this isn't his house he's living in."

 

Then I visit my inlaws, and it's no wonder! The man doesn't even know what he orders from McDonalds. His wife has to do it for him.

 

This goes beyond my husband -- it's everywhere. Boys should be able to eat the food, use the CDs, use the electricity, use the Netflix subscription and so on, but they shouldn't be expected to do anything domestic. :rant:

 

 

I hate that, too. I have a standard reply for when people say things regarding either my dh or son doing domestic chores.

 

"A penis doesn't get in the way of housework -- especially now that I make him wear pants."

[Mrs Mungo]

My dad did dishes and such When I was growing up. My dh lived on his own in college and kept his place clean. He pays someone to do the yardwork, so he does a lot inside the house. When we had babies he changed diapers and rocked them to sleep. Now? He backs me up on issues like making the kids do dishes.

 

Your son is not a "boy." He is a 20 year old man who is being treated like a boy. He can pull his weight, clean up after himself or he can pay you for your services.

Edited July 5, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[Audrey]

My dad did dishes and such When I was growing up. My dh lived on his own in college and kept his place clean. He pays someone to do the yardwork, so he does a lot inside the house. When we had babies he changed diapers and rocked them to sleep. Now? He backs me up on issues like making the kids do dishes.

 

Your son is not a "boy." He is a 20 year old man who is being treated like a boy. He can pull his weight, clean up after himself or he can pay you for your services.

 

 

Oh wow! Somehow I missed that we're talking about a 20 year old! In which case, I'd tell him "your penis won't get in the way of housework as long as you keep your pants on." And, I would NOT take any guff about it. A grown man, living in my house, better darn well contribute to the household work, or go claim his own sty in the barn.

[Mrs Mungo]

Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house. Boys shouldn't be expected to water the pots and tiny garden while the parents are out of town (after being explicitly asked). Boys shouldn't be expected to keep things picked up.

 

Or, if it's not that, I get, "Well, I'm sure he'll keep his house better. It's not the same since this isn't his house he's living in."

 

Yes, he mows the lawn (and works with my husband, but he gets paid well for that) and changes his own oil

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. He'll do better in his own home, you cannot expect him to care about ours. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his.

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own.

So, you guys were out of town. He didn't pick up after *himself*, he didn't water your plants (as you had asked) and he did you a "favor" by emptying the dishwasher, after you were gone all weekend? And he used groceries in the house and didn't replace them?

 

No.

 

He gets *paid* for working with your dh. Unless he is contributing *financially* to the household, that doesn't count *at all*. He doesn't get ANY credit for taking care of his OWN car.

 

Are your plants dead? I would make him buy new ones. I would make him clean up any and all messes that he and his friends made, including doing all dishes. If they ate an inordinate amount of food, I would have him chip in for groceries.

 

You then need a list of responsibilities he has toward contributing to the household. Mowing the lawn is a good start. What next? I think he should be contributing at least 10 hours per week toward household responsibilities, NOT including keeping his own room or car. Mowing the lawn is a good start. How much time does that take? Subtract that from the ten hours. What next? Laundry? Cooking? Cleaning the kitchen?

Edited July 5, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[Barry Goldwater]

I am tired of hearing, "Well, he's a boy" in response to simple things. Boys shouldn't be expected to help around the house.

 

This I assume is happening at home? I would gently stay the course...they need the responsibility challenge. I'm thankful today that my mom when I was 8 (I was youngest) instructed me on tasks like cleaning bathroom, dusting, vacuuming (somehow she skipped laundry...I learned that the night before I left for college), because she 'needed' me to contribute now that she was going back to work...I even learned to cook, which I still love.

 

maybe this will make you laugh...when I was 'newlywed' to DW, b4 kids, we both worked full-time, I routinely cooked, cleaned, all that...one night DW made a 'light dinner' for us, that, let's say, was more 'light' than 'dinner.' Well...

 

I gently commented that my Mom (1st mistake) used to regularly (2nd mistake) make a full course dinner even on weeknights when she & dad both worked, including a main meat plus 3 or 4 side dishes, and dessert (3rd mistake).

 

Between forkfuls, and without looking up or raising her voice, DW said, 'food shouldn't be that important to you.' :001_huh:

 

18 yrs later we still ROFL about that one.

 

BTW, if she DID cook like my Mom did, I'd be 500 lbs...so it's all good.

[Sahamamama]

Yes, he mows the lawn (and works with my husband, but he gets paid well for that) and changes his own oil, but it's just like when I was growing up. Boys would mow the lawn, which was needed once a week. The rest was girls' work.

 

I have tried to do things differently with my boys, but now with our oldest, if I get onto him about it, I get in return, "He's an adult now. Then he can act responsibly and buy his own food and entertain his friends at his own place. He'll do better in his own home -- I don't see any evidence of this. You cannot expect him to care about ours. Why wouldn't I expect him to care about this home? He grew up (supposedly) here, and still comes here. Of course I DO expect him to care about any environment shared by more than just himself. My mom made my bed for me until I moved out, (that is wrong on so many levels) and look at me now." Our oldest has even said this to me -- that when he unloads the dishwasher he feels like he's just doing me a favor even though many of the dishes were his. Tell the young man to bring his own food on paper plates when he stops by to visit, unless he intends to clean up after the meal.

 

But, he doesn't mind using our house to entertain his friends over the weekend or using up our stuff instead of buying his own. I'd have to put my foot down on that. Wow.

 

:iagree: That would feel like a double standard to me, too. What do you intend to do about it? If your oldest son has made it to age 20 without a heart to honor women, to honor the work of the home, or to see housework at the domain of anyone benefiting from the blessings of a well-run home, how do you expect him to change his attitude and point of view now? He sounds as though he feels entitled to being served.

 

That's not the heart of a servant-leader.

 

Shame on him. Just my two cents.

[Sahamamama]

But I am not a grown man's maid. I can't, in my wildest dreams, imaging making my grown son's bed. Or my 12 year old's either.

 

:iagree:My three year olds make their own beds. :tongue_smilie:

[lllll]

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