Smoking grandparents and babies

[Annie]

After reading on this forum, I've come to respect you as a collection of reasonable and level headed parents, and I'm hoping you are willing to help me think through this situation.

 

About two months ago, my husband and I had our first child. We live about 1,000 miles from our families, but all three sets of grandparents live within about 30 miles of each other. When we visited in the past, we would split our days/nights pretty much equally between the three houses. The challenge for us now is that my MIL smokes, and she has had no desire to quit. I have heard her say it is her one vice, and she deserves one "bad" thing. She smoked with her children in the house (my husband is 26 so it's not like this was before they knew smoking was bad), and she was unwilling to quit when my husband repeatedly asked her to while he was living there.

 

She doesn't smoke a pack a day or anything, but it certainly smells like smoke in her house. It is much worse on the main level where her bedroom is and where she spends most of her time. She has an upstairs with two spare rooms and a bathroom that isn't as bad.

 

So what do we do? We can do things outside of the house, but we spend about 2 weeks there at Christmas, and this is very much a northern climate where hanging out outside isn't an option. On a selfish note, I really would rather not ask my parents to invite her to spend the days at their house with us because I really treasure those days with my family, and having her there would seriously change the atmosphere.

 

I feel like we're either damaging our sweet baby's little, growing lungs, or potentially, his relationship with a loving grandparent. We're talking about 9 days/nights per year at her house.

 

I'm going to add a poll with options, but it will take me a minute since I'm on my iPad with a baby napping on my lap. :)

 

I welcome any opinions, and thank you if you've made it this far.

 

**As a note, my husband initially came down on the side of seriously limiting time there/not going to her house at all, but we both want to continue to think about the various options and their consequences.

[Guest]

I never let my babies/children around cigarette smoke. My SIL smokes outside so her house doesn't smell, and as far as a smoker holding babies after smoking, they should change their clothes and wash their hands since the smoke lingers. I guess it would stay in the hair too. I say, put your children first. Do what your gut says.

[Julie in CA]

If I were in your place, and money was not an issue, I'd stay in a motel/hotel during the visit, and then encourage as many of the visits as possible to take place "out". If that were not possible, I'd go with the flow and stay there (without complaint). Imo, the relationship with loving grandparents is vastly more important than extremely short-term exposure to second-hand smoke.

 

ETA: I place a higher priority on a life filled with loving relationships than I do on extending life a bit longer. I'm not positive that 9 days would have a hugely negative effect to health, while I'm positive that 9 days would have an extremely *positive* effect on family relationships and memories built together. Obviously, ymmv!

Edited June 28, 2010 by Julie in CA

[melissel]

I've had to deal with this. It was painful. I would not stay with children in a house with a smoker who smokes IN the house. I would stay at a hotel, or would not visit at all. I'd be upfront with my mom about why, and I'd be apologetic. I agree that she's entitled to her vices, but you're also entitled to do what you need to do to protect your infant.

 

I did allow my mom to smoke outside around the kids, since there's enough fresh air for them not to be trapped with smoke. I did not ask my mom to change clothes or wash her face and hands before touching the kids, and I think your annual exposure is limited enough that this would be an OK compromise.

 

My mom was our babysitter for 2-3 days a week for 6 years, and her not smoking for all of that time was not an option. I wasn't thrilled about it all, but I was able to make the compromise, and IMO, the relationship my parents have with my children was worth it.

 

For whatever this is worth to you... :grouphug:

[MotherGoose]

Would she agree to smoke outside or in the garage or something while you are there so she's not blowing smoke in the baby's face? Secondhand smoke is bad, no doubt, but I grew up around it--not my parents, but relatives. I would imagine your baby will get less exposure through the second-hand smoke at his GP than we did growing up with smoke everywhere in public--gas stations, restaurants, grocery stores, airports, etc., etc., etc. You forget how much you used to be exposed to it after it's gone.

[EmilyK]

If I were in your place, and money was not an issue, I'd stay in a motel/hotel during the visit, and then encourage as many of the visits as possible to take place "out". If that were not possible, I'd go with the flow and stay there (without complaint). Imo, the relationship with loving grandparents is vastly more important than extremely short-term exposure to second-hand smoke.

 

ETA: I place a higher priority on a life filled with loving relationships than I do on extending life a bit longer. I'm not positive that 9 days would have a hugely negative effect to health, while I'm positive that 9 days would have an extremely *positive* effect on family relationships and memories built together. Obviously, ymmv!

 

 

This is what I'd do. I'm not trying to start an argument about the dangers of second hand smoke, but this seems pretty minimal compared to what I and others were exposed to. I think if it is otherwise a good relationship it should be preserved.

[Mrs Mungo]

My son has a lung disease and I have a family history of allergies and asthma. We wouldn't stay there or hang out there much. I voted "Seriously limit the time there - maybe a couple dinners and an afternoon."

[Scuff]

I'd get a hotel for her week and have her visit you there. If it were a few days, I might visit at her house during the day, but not overnight.

[elegantlion]

I'd either stay at a hotel or ask MIL to smoke in the garage while you were there. This comes from a former smoker and my dh still smokes (trying to quit), but he never smokes in the house. I'm the obnoxious former smoker who now gags (really, because of mild asthma) around smoke.

[Annie]

Thank you for the replies so far.

 

I'm not sure if she will smoke outside while we're there. My guess would be yes. She only lives about 5 miles from my parents, so we usually bounce between the two houses over the course of the vacation, so I'm not sure if she would be willing to the whole time we're there, but we could change the way we usually operate and designate a certain number of consecutive days at her house...

[WeeBeaks]

My son has a lung disease and I have a family history of allergies and asthma. We wouldn't stay there or hang out there much. I voted "Seriously limit the time there - maybe a couple dinners and an afternoon."

 

I voted this way too, for the same reasons. I have two asthmatic kids, one very very seriously so. Avoiding smoke is necessary to avoid oral steroid courses and hospitalizations.

 

I grew up around smoke and was seriously miserable, so that colors my thoughts too. I then and now feel like I am going to pass out in the presence of smoke. I just can't breathe at all.

 

I would, however, go, stay in a hotel, and offer lots of time together outside that home so a relationship can develop. I do the same with my kids as my mom smokes to this day.

[Supertechmom]

BTDT! I'm allergic to smoke so I know first hand the awful burning feeling it creates in your chest. I can't walk through a cloud of smoke. I can't stay in a house where smoke once was in a parallel universe. When we didn't have children, I would just go to mil's and suffer (her husband smoked). We never stayed more than a night or two. I ALWAYS was severly sick for weeks afterward.

 

When the babies came, we went once. Baby came home sick (that was no over nighter!) and was hospitalized later that week. We never went back to her house until we had to stay while we were in the process of moving. (baby much older!) Second night my son had black snot pouring out of him and was coughing. I went to a hotel. I made it clear, we will never set foot in your house again. PERIOD. We didn't. We would go to my mom's when we came into town and call her. Sometimes she came over, sometimes we met at a restaurant, and sometimes at the park. But I and the kids never went back until he stopped smoking around them and never stayed overnight or for any length of time again. I've even sat out front in the car with the kids while hubby went in to talk with them or see them briefly.

 

I wouldn't do it. If they want a relationship, then put down the cigarettes. If son didn't get sick, I might consider a dinner or hour or two and suck up my own health but since he gets just as sick- No Way.

 

And we break out when we are touched by smokers too. Give us a hug and any skin will be red wherever they or their clothes touched us.

[Rebecca VA]

It's possible you could expose your family to just as many dangers in a hotel as in your in-laws' home. Think of: pesticides (to ward off bedbugs and other vermin), recirculated air, lice, bedbugs, viruses, etc. These dangers could be lurking even in the nicest hotels.

 

I'd try to protect my children from the worst of the smoking but work very diligently to preserve relationships.

[gandpsmommy]

Would your mil be offended if you or your husband asked her to smoke outside for the time that you are there? When our first child was born, dh's mother and her husband both smoked. Dh is the kind of very protective papa who wasn't about to let his baby girl be exposed to something harmful. He is also pretty assertive. So, he just let his mom know (in a loving way) that no one was to smoke around dd. Mil and her dh were very thoughtful and would try to air out their house and run fans to try to get rid of the smokiness as much as possible if they knew we were coming for a visit. And during the visit, anyone who wanted to smoke did so outside. This worked well for us. We didn't ever have to stay overnight at their house, though. We lived just a few miles away. But we did stay for several hours at a time on holidays, and we visited on a fairly regular basis when dc were small.

[Mejane]

I had this problem with my parents. After kids, we opted to stay with dh's parents (they all lived in the same town.) My mother was p*ssed, but I told her it was really her choice and she chose to smoke. When we visited at their house, either they smoked outside or we all sat outside. No way was I risking my kid's lungs for someone's bad habit.

[Mom2J112903]

Not only meet somewhere else but make certain your MIL washes her hands after she is done smoking AND make sure she has not smoked in the clothes that she will be handling baby in.

 

My MIL did not see J again until he was 4 months of age because of the smoking issue. She was there when the docs were talking about smoking around J and heard all of the rules-you can not hold J if you have smoked, you must change clothes AND wash your hair before holding J if you have smoked.

 

She smokes in her garage, so her house does not smell-at all. Actually her house is VERY clean and always smells REALLY nice. :)

 

She is going to be peeved again when we talk to her that the rules are going to be the same again. For a while we did get lax, just wash your hands but we moved during this time and was not near her. We live 700 miles away from them and like you, my parents live within 30minutes of her.

 

I have no sympathy for smokers whom will not take a break from the stupid things so their grandchildren/others can stay healthy.

[FaithManor]

BTDT and I sympathize.

 

My FIL, now deceased, was a serious smoker and did not think that he had to change. He would smoke in the car with the windows rolled up, smoke around me when I was pregnant, etc. On top of not wanting to breathe that while I was pregnant we didn't want the babies around it either and I was allergic - as in literally - eyes itching, nose running, head aching, felt like an anvil sitting on my chest, etc. So, we stopped visiting and told him that he and MIL were welcome to visit us so long as he understood that he had to smoke outdoors, shower when he came in from smoking, and put on clean clothes. HE DID NOT LIKE THIS ONE LITTLE BIT! But, the dangers of second hand smoke are absolutely proven and dh grew up with that. He's had a "morning cough" ever since he was a small child, but nothing has ever been found on a scan of his lungs.

 

We didn't see much of them...maybe once per year. We'd go to their part of the country and stay with dh's grandparents who lived nearby. They would come over to see us but since g&g didn't allow the smoking in their home either, we were able to stay away from it.

 

Is there family you could stay with and then only see MIL in a public place? Take here out to eat a couple of times, go to a zoo together, or something? The reality is that though you want the children to grow up knowing grandma, if grandma persists in her habit, the children won't be able to stay with her anyway. They'll still end up with very limited time. It will be the "norm" for them.

 

Sorry this is happening. But, you have to make the best choice for your children that you can and your MIL will have to accept the consequences of her choice as well.

 

Faith

[Disney Dreaming]

I have parents who smoke and I will not go to their house. Understand this is TOUGH! Growing up they smoked until my father had a heart attack. They both quit after that and didn't start again for about 20 yrs-about the time I got pregnant with my youngest. I was always close to them but WILL NOT sacrifice MY childrens health(or mine-I am very allergic to smoke) because of their selfishness/ignorance.

[Mrs Mungo]

It's possible you could expose your family to just as many dangers in a hotel as in your in-laws' home. Think of: pesticides (to ward off bedbugs and other vermin), recirculated air, lice, bedbugs, viruses, etc. These dangers could be lurking even in the nicest hotels.

 

I'd try to protect my children from the worst of the smoking but work very diligently to preserve relationships.

 

She said that her parents only live 5 miles away. I would stay with my parents and limit time at the in-laws' home. I don't think hanging out during the day instead of sleeping at their home is going to inhibit the relationship.

[Annie]

Thank you for all of your thoughts. The sympathy from those who have BTDT is very welcome.

 

To answer a question which has been asked, we can sleep at my mom and dad's house. They live about 10 min away from MIL.

 

Unfortunatly, my DH is not the assertive type, and this will be a difficult conversation for him to have, but he knows he has to do it.

[Guest]

I would be concerned about the increased risk of SIDS. I'm not trying to scare you, and I may be paranoid, but I wouldn't take my baby into a smoke-filled home. Stay with your parents, and maybe your in-laws can visit over there. I still stand by the smoking outside, changing clothes, and washing hands before holding the baby, as well.

[Cheryl in NM]

I am assuming you, your dh and your child do not have asthma. In that case, it would be business as usual. The family relationship is more important and a few days in that smoke filled environment would be worth it to me. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and it sometimes triggers a migraine for me. I have still spent time at family members houses who smoked. The relationships were more important to me and the visits were not frequent. Most of these people have quit smoking, seriously reduced smoking or only smoke outside now so it's not the problem it was for me.

[newbie]

I would be concerned about the increased risk of SIDS. I'm not trying to scare you, and I may be paranoid, but I wouldn't take my baby into a smoke-filled home. Stay with your parents, and maybe your in-laws can visit over there. I still stand by the smoking outside, changing clothes, and washing hands before holding the baby, as well.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Cheryl in NM]

I would be concerned about the increased risk of SIDS. I'm not trying to scare you, and I may be paranoid, but I wouldn't take my baby into a smoke-filled home. Stay with your parents, and maybe your in-laws can visit over there. I still stand by the smoking outside, changing clothes, and washing hands before holding the baby, as well.

 

I thought no one knew what caused SIDS? Is there proof that SIDS occurs at a higher rate in smoking homes?

[AHASRADA]

I voted "other" (I know, trouble-maker). I say you make it clear (in some diplomatic sort of way) that you do not bring your child into a smoke-filled environment. He is too young, lungs too delicate/undeveloped, whatever you need to say to help her understand without making her too defensive. Let her know that you cherish your time with her, and want her to be a big part of your child's life, but that she cannot be around him when she smokes.

 

If she is willing to smoke outside (or in the garage, porch, etc.), then I would continue to split my time evenly between the grandparents' homes. Yes, a house that smells of smoke is annoying, but will not harm his health; it's the smoke itself that is dangerous to inhale. If she insists that smoking on a different floor, or in a different room is good enough, help her to understand that it is not, since smoke will circulate throughout the house. Once you having lovingly set the ground rules, she will be the one making the choice.

 

My own wonderful grandmother smoked from the age of 16 until her death of emphysema at age 67. I tried so hard to help her to quit as I was growing up, but to no avail. Once my kids were born, she never smoked in their presence. We visited regularly, and yes, her house reeked of smoke, but she always went out on her porch to smoke when we were there. She would remove the oxygen tube from her nose, hang it on the door handle, and go outside to smoke (I know, what an insane, terrible addiction!) We would all bathe as soon as we returned home, to remove the awful smell from our hair and clothes. This was the compromise we were all willing to live with to maintain our close family relationship. You, and she, should be willing to do the same.

Edited June 28, 2010 by AHASRADA

[Penelope]

I would not stay in a house where someone smokes inside. We have relatives that only smoke outside, and can't smell it in the house, so we do stay there.

 

I do not have my babies around smoke. If someone needs to smoke, they need to move away from my babies, or I will have to leave. I can't stand being around it and I won't willingly subject my kids to it.

[Penelope]

I thought no one knew what caused SIDS? Is there proof that SIDS occurs at a higher rate in smoking homes?

 

Yes.

[lionfamily1999]

Do either of you have a history of allergies or asthma? Your dh grew up there, right?

 

Business as usual. Ask her not to smoke in the same room as the baby (I've yet to meet anyone that wanted to argue about that).

[Cheryl in NM]

Yes.

 

Wow! I guess our generation is lucky to be alive. Everyone in my family smoked most of my life and all of us lived. Of course, that might have something to do with the prevalence of asthma now (no one in my generation of my family has it; only my parent's generation and only the farmers).

[Penelope]

Yes, a house that smells of smoke is annoying, but will not harm his health; it's the smoke itself that is dangerous to inhale.

 

This is not true. It is worse to inhale the smoke, but there has been research showing that even the homes of smokers that only smoke outside, will have toxic chemicals on their clothes and furniture. And that this is harmful. I would have to do some research to confirm, but I remember reading that even living with a smoker who only smokes outside the house, increases the risk of disease. For a few days I'm okay with staying with someone that only smokes outside, but with a young baby being around any smoker in any form is exposing him to toxins.

 

Just one article about third hand smoke:

http://newscenter.lbl.gov/news-releases/2010/02/08/dangers-of-third-hand-smoke/

Edited June 28, 2010 by Penelope
add link

[tennismomkelly]

Would your mil be offended if you or your husband asked her to smoke outside for the time that you are there? When our first child was born, dh's mother and her husband both smoked. Dh is the kind of very protective papa who wasn't about to let his baby girl be exposed to something harmful. He is also pretty assertive. So, he just let his mom know (in a loving way) that no one was to smoke around dd. Mil and her dh were very thoughtful and would try to air out their house and run fans to try to get rid of the smokiness as much as possible if they knew we were coming for a visit. And during the visit, anyone who wanted to smoke did so outside. This worked well for us. We didn't ever have to stay overnight at their house, though. We lived just a few miles away. But we did stay for several hours at a time on holidays, and we visited on a fairly regular basis when dc were small.

I could have written this word for word. :001_smile:

[abbeyej]

Wow! I guess our generation is lucky to be alive. Everyone in my family smoked most of my life and all of us lived. Of course, that might have something to do with the prevalence of asthma now (no one in my generation of my family has it; only my parent's generation and only the farmers).

Well, my mother and all of her siblings grew up in a very, very smoky household. My asthma was always much worse after spending time with my grandparents, aunts, and uncle. And my brother did die of SIDS while we were visiting (staying with) my grandparents. My cousin also died of SIDS in my mother's childhood home. Did smoking *cause* that? I don't know. But the numbers are *significantly* higher where there's second hand smoke exposure. And whether it's a cause or simply a contributing factor... Well, I'd be careful too. Even though many of us grew up and survived.

 

It's sort of like the seatbelt argument. I have never in my life truly *needed* a seatbelt to be safe, meaning, I've never been in a severe accident where I needed a seatbelt to avoid injury, I still put on my seatbelt every time I get in the car and have always insisted my children do the same. Would all of us have been fine up to this point if we'd never used seatbelts? Sure. But I believe the evidence is strong enough that they help protect us under certain circumstances that I insist. Every time.

[Cheryl in NM]

Well, my mother and all of her siblings grew up in a very, very smoky household. My asthma was always much worse after spending time with my grandparents, aunts, and uncle. And my brother did die of SIDS while we were visiting (staying with) my grandparents. My cousin also died of SIDS in my mother's childhood home. Did smoking *cause* that? I don't know. But the numbers are *significantly* higher where there's second hand smoke exposure. And whether it's a cause or simply a contributing factor... Well, I'd be careful too. Even though many of us grew up and survived.

 

It's sort of like the seatbelt argument. I have never in my life truly *needed* a seatbelt to be safe, meaning, I've never been in a severe accident where I needed a seatbelt to avoid injury, I still put on my seatbelt every time I get in the car and have always insisted my children do the same. Would all of us have been fine up to this point if we'd never used seatbelts? Sure. But I believe the evidence is strong enough that they help protect us under certain circumstances that I insist. Every time.

 

 

Wow! I'm so sorry for your family tragedies! We live in a dangerous world, some of it our own doing.

[Tiberia]

I voted to limit the time. Have hubby sit down with his mom and explain the situation: that you cherish the relationship with her, but if she can't limit the smoking, you have to limit the exposure for your kids. That will put the ball in her court.

 

My mil smokes and has tried numerous times to quit. It's tough. When she visits us, she smokes outside only, but I still get a sore throat when I'm around her. She's a lovely person, but I have to limit my time with her when she is smoking. I have allergies and so does dd. When we visit her we don't stay overnight at her place.

[Aubrey]

My experience with this has been that "seriously limiting time" is not an option. Dh has severe allergies/asthma, & I've been so grateful for an excuse that my family can (almost) understand.

 

It's been awkward & difficult, but for about a yr when my grfather was too sick to go out much, when we visited, we'd have to go inside their house for bits of time. I noticed that ea time it got longer & longer until eventually they stopped planning to meet somewhere or do stuff outside. Why? I believe it's because they couldn't *see* the problems created. They started to think dh would "be ok."

 

If we talked about 2nd hand smoke, they were defensive. They can't smell the odor. They don't understand the headaches. But something like asthma? That's not their fault & has nothing to do w/ cigarettes, so they accepted it.

 

It's hard, but imo, I think drawing a strong line *now* will save you literal headaches in the future. Honestly, it would be easier if the lines had been drawn before the baby--as in, immediately upon reaching adulthood. That may sound harsh, but I remember riding for 5-6 hrs at a time in a car w/ 3 adults smoking & unwilling to even roll down windows. One of the freedoms I enjoy as an adult is the ability to never. do. that. again.

[Annie]

For those who have asked about asthma, I have very mild asthma and have not required an inhaler or any other medication. My mom and sister have more serious asthma. So, there is some family history. My husband doesn't have asthma.

 

I very much appreciate the various perspectives!

[Aubrey]

I am assuming you, your dh and your child do not have asthma. In that case, it would be business as usual. The family relationship is more important and a few days in that smoke filled environment would be worth it to me. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and it sometimes triggers a migraine for me. I have still spent time at family members houses who smoked. The relationships were more important to me and the visits were not frequent. Most of these people have quit smoking, seriously reduced smoking or only smoke outside now so it's not the problem it was for me.

 

This may sound harsh--I'm phrasing it as gently as I can--for myself, I began to question "relationships" in which the smoker valued smoking more than they valued non-smokers. If they cannot make the accomodations to smoke outside, etc., why should I make the accomodations to breathe their 2nd-hand smoke?

 

A relationship needs to be two-way, & I have sat in 110 degree Tx heat in order to spend time w/ my dad & his family w/out exposing my family to as much smoke as there would be inside their homes. It takes compromise on both sides--meeting at restaurants, barbecuing, etc.--but it is certainly possible, & imo, important.

[Guest ToGMom]

Just some food for thought: even if you limit your time inside her house, EVERYTHING that enters the house will leave smelling like cigarette smoke -- EVEN if you don't unpack it. Cigarette smoke gets into EVERYTHING...:glare:

 

If you decide to go out to eat, or to the park, etc. you will have that smell lingering about your clothing and hair...and your precious baby will smell like it also.

 

My parents are smokers...I didn't notice it so much while I was living at home, but once I moved out I noticed it and it bothers me. I have a hard time breathing, I get bad headaches, etc.

 

SO, I guess I would vote for "spend as little time there as possible"...:tongue_smilie:

[ChristusG]

MIL smokes and lives 12 hours away. We never visit her. There are no hotels close by. I am allergic to cigarette smoke. And even before I was allergic (which has just been in the past few years), we still didn't go. Smelling smoke is not good for anyone of any age. And I definitely would not subject my baby's lungs to it. When we see MIL, she comes down here. And when she stays with us, she does not smoke. That's our terms and she agrees to them. Sorry, our health is not worth doing otherwise.

[*Jessica*]

This may sound harsh--I'm phrasing it as gently as I can--for myself, I began to question "relationships" in which the smoker valued smoking more than they valued non-smokers. If they cannot make the accomodations to smoke outside, etc., why should I make the accomodations to breathe their 2nd-hand smoke?

I completely agree! I voted for seriously limiting the time there, but I really wanted to say meet elsewhere.

 

My father quit smoking when his first grandchild (my nephew) was born, after having smoked for 35 years. He smoked around my siblings and I when we were growing up, but by the time his first grandchild came along the dangers of smoking were well known and he wasn't going to risk not being able to be around the baby because of a nasty and dangerous habit. Did I mention that this grandchild lives 10 hours away and he only sees him 2 or 3 times a year? I was incredibly proud of my father for kicking such a hard habit out of love and concern for his grandchild. Most people may not be able to take that step (I smoked for 8 years, so I know how hard it is to quit.) However, if they cannot make accomodations for the health of loved ones, particularly babies, well......they would have very little respect from me.

[Laurie4b]

I would first of all ask Dh to call your doctor (so he has it first hand) to ask about the risks of that level of limited exposure. Pass on any info the dr. gives and let that guide your decision-making.

 

As pp's have stated, those of us who were older grew up in an era in which kids were exposed to second-hand smoke in public all the time. We've gotten used to the clean air (thank goodness) but for most babies, I would think that a few days' exposure (particularly if gm is willing to smoke in another room with the window cracked or something) would be okay. I would not do it if my child were still in the window of risk for SIDS, nor if he had allergies, etc.

 

If mil isn't willing to follow dr.'s recommendations, then stay with your folks and visit at her home for a few meals and eat out/go to the mall, etc. in order to spend time, but away from the smoke.

[Cheryl in NM]

I must say that equating a smoker's willingness or ability to quit smoking with the love of a family member just doesn't seem right.

 

What about the rights of the smoker? If a person is healthy then a few hours or days of smoke exposure a year is not going to kill them. As I get older I realize that relationships are more important than circumstances. I try to meet my family members where they are. Meaning that my smoking, alcoholic father in law loves us, is not a mean drunk, does not blow smoke in our faces, will play guitar and sing all night long is worth me inhaling a little smoke and exposing my child to smoke and alcohol. I've never seen my father in law drunk; neither has my child, but I've also rarely seen him with out a beer in his hand. He successfully ran his own business for 50 years and recently retired. He is a great man and I would hate to say "if he's not willing to quit smoking I'm not going to spend time with him because he doesn't love his family enough to quit smoking". In my book, that's emotional blackmail. Of course, in my situation, none of us are in danger of losing our lives by spending time with such a wonderful man.

[Mejane]

This may sound harsh--I'm phrasing it as gently as I can--for myself, I began to question "relationships" in which the smoker valued smoking more than they valued non-smokers. If they cannot make the accomodations to smoke outside, etc., why should I make the accomodations to breathe their 2nd-hand smoke?

 

 

 

We used to beg my parents to quit smoking. Both died of smoking-related illnesses. I've always felt they chose cigarettes over family.

[joannqn]

I voted to seriously limit the time at her home because that's what we do at my dad's house where my aunt also lives and smokes.

 

We don't stay at his house anymore, mostly because I get ill after just a couple of hours there. We stay at a hotel and visit for just a few hours at a time before I have to leave.

[NanceXToo]

I'd ask her if she would be okay with smoking outside only during our stay there so that the baby wasn't staying in a house where someone was actively smoking while we were visiting.

 

If they aren't okay with that, I wouldn't spend much time at their house.

[Aubrey]

I must say that equating a smoker's willingness or ability to quit smoking with the love of a family member just doesn't seem right.

 

I'm not saying smokers must quit! I'm only saying that they should be willing to smoke outdoors/meet the family elsewhere. As long as they're willing to make accomodations, then they're choosing smoking over their own comfort/convenience, & that's their business.

 

What about the rights of the smoker? If a person is healthy then a few hours or days of smoke exposure a year is not going to kill them.

 

What about the rights of non-smokers? Quitting smoking for the duration of a visit (a few hrs) won't kill the smokers.

 

And my standards for ok behavior are not what will & won't kill me. I don't let people stab me w/ a fork, even if they're family. I know it won't kill me, but I'm picky like that. I don't let people spit on me, kick me, or curse me. These things are unpleasant.

 

Besides which, there is scientific evidence that 2nd hand smoke slowly kills people. Completely disregarding this evidence doesn't seem right, either.

 

As I get older I realize that relationships are more important than circumstances. I try to meet my family members where they are. Meaning that my smoking, alcoholic father in law loves us, is not a mean drunk, does not blow smoke in our faces, will play guitar and sing all night long is worth me inhaling a little smoke and exposing my child to smoke and alcohol. I've never seen my father in law drunk; neither has my child, but I've also rarely seen him with out a beer in his hand. He successfully ran his own business for 50 years and recently retired. He is a great man and I would hate to say "if he's not willing to quit smoking I'm not going to spend time with him because he doesn't love his family enough to quit smoking". In my book, that's emotional blackmail. Of course, in my situation, none of us are in danger of losing our lives by spending time with such a wonderful man.

 

No one has said that smokers aren't wonderful people. No one has said they're not worth being around. But *in my family* it's offensive to even suggest that non-smokers should be able to breathe clean air. Imo, nonsmokers putting up w/ that kind of treatment from smokers is co-dependent.

 

By contrast, though, dh's dad smokes, & that has never once caused a problem. He smokes every cigarette he lights outside. Inconvenient for him? Yes. But HE thinks WE are worth it. :001_smile: It's about mutual respect.

Edited June 28, 2010 by Aubrey

[Leola]

I would avoid the smoking at much as possible.

 

Aside from the smoking issue aside - moving from house to house is hard. I used to do it when we went home. But now that we have kids - especially when they were babies, I stay in one place. Sometimes I would drive to visit others, but mostly I figured I traveled all that way with my little ones, they could come to me some. My little ones need the stability of being in one place. And packing up and moving everything was a pain, so it was just all around easier than moving around.

[AnitaMcC]

I voted "other". Because it ins't so cut and dried for me.

 

I have severe asthma, my kids all have asthma. But my Dh smokes. He never smokes in the house. The house rule is no smoking allowed.

 

When we go to relatives to visit... we usually stay at MIL/FIL house. They do not smoke. Guests (including relatives) who do smoke go outside to smoke.

 

Dh's sister and her husband smokes and when we go to visit at her house, (which is where we are most of the time as her house is larger for a huge family gathering, but we slept at Dh's MIL/FIL house), she would air out her house very well (she did it anyway as she didn't like the "smoke" smell either) and no one was allowed to smoke in the house while we were there unless the weather was really bad, then they would go to one room (usually the back room of the house that was totally separate from the rest of the house and they could close it off). If Dh's sister and her husband didn't take the precautions that she did do, then we would never go over to her house.

 

Anyway, if I was in your situation... and my MIL smoked and just wouldn't take precautions... then I just would not go in her house with my baby/children. We would stay outside or go somewhere else for us all to visit (out for lunch or dinner or at another relatives house).

[jujsky]

DH's mom is a smoker & has no desire to quit. She doesn't smoke in the house, so we have no problem visiting though. When the children were babies we told her that she was not allowed to smoke before she came over & was not allowed to go outside & smoke here. Her clothes smelled like smoke & I didn't want my babies breathing it in while they were close to her. It ticked her off, but oh well -- the health of my children come first.

[Mrs Mungo]

What about the rights of the smoker?

 

Adults make *choices*, all sorts of choices. Each and every of those choices has consequences. We don't stay at *my* parents house when we go home because my parents are not good housekeepers and the house is too dusty for my son. He ended up in the hospital the last time we stayed there. So, now we stay at a hotel that is right up the street from my mom's (like a mile away) or at another family member's home. It's not that I don't value my parents, I definitely do. It's not that I don't think they have the "right" to keep their house the way they want, they do. But I have to make the correct choices for my child. It isn't up to a child how someone keeps their house or whether they smoke. It *is* up to me to make sure my kids (especially my medically fragile child) are protected. Smoking isn't a need, it's a choice.