s/o (sorta) Anger issues

[Mynyel]

So the post Simka made about stress and railing someone has got me thinking.

 

I think I have anger issues.

 

I can fly off the handle at any moment. Especially during that time of month. I have yelled, said more than a few four letter words :blushing:, thrown things, slammed doors and various other things I can't remember but sure I did.

 

I just don't know what to do. Typically it is because of the condition (or lack thereof) of the house. My family just doesn't care if they pick up anything or what they do with things. That was another thread I posted.

 

Sometimes it is kid attitude (and husband as well). Especially the 12yo. She is getting into the teenage years and it is becoming very evident that I am in for a rough road. Not like jail time, lock her door type but general discord.

 

Other times it is my ds2. He has been a complainy child since birth and it hasn't gotten any better. It seems he is always whining about something. He has his own anger issues..he likes to throw things when he doesn't get his way.

 

I just am tired of being angry all the time. I don't have the means to go anywhere and I can't anyway, I should start training on the 13th for work.

 

I wish someone could see what happens in my house. Maybe it is me that causes the issues. I don't know.

 

I don't even know what I expect from posting this but I am hoping I can keep my temper in check for the rest of the day. I lost it earlier...

[Jean in Newcastle]

BTDT. :grouphug: What has helped me is to start to listen to my body. Once I started to notice my teeth clenching, my shoulders tightening, etc. I will step away. Or I will say then, "I am getting stressed. This is what I need to do. And this is what I need you to do." And if the kids persist, I look at them and say "Do you really want me going postal on you?" (They usually don't).

[Scarlett]

So the post Simka made about stress and railing someone has got me thinking.

 

I think I have anger issues.

 

I can fly off the handle at any moment. Especially during that time of month. I have yelled, said more than a few four letter words :blushing:, thrown things, slammed doors and various other things I can't remember but sure I did.

 

I just don't know what to do. Typically it is because of the condition (or lack thereof) of the house. My family just doesn't care if they pick up anything or what they do with things. That was another thread I posted.

 

Sometimes it is kid attitude (and husband as well). Especially the 12yo. She is getting into the teenage years and it is becoming very evident that I am in for a rough road. Not like jail time, lock her door type but general discord.

 

Other times it is my ds2. He has been a complainy child since birth and it hasn't gotten any better. It seems he is always whining about something. He has his own anger issues..he likes to throw things when he doesn't get his way.

 

I just am tired of being angry all the time. I don't have the means to go anywhere and I can't anyway, I should start training on the 13th for work.

 

I wish someone could see what happens in my house. Maybe it is me that causes the issues. I don't know.

 

I don't even know what I expect from posting this but I am hoping I can keep my temper in check for the rest of the day. I lost it earlier...

 

:grouphug: BTDT....gotta just second everything Jean said.

 

How old are you? Turns out some of my anger issues were stress related whch turned out to be hormonally related. I will be 45 in a few days and haven't had a period in a year...hormone level check indicates I'm definitely menopausal. I began taking the weakest dose of a hormone and it worked like magic.

[TXMomof4]

The biggest help for me has simply been recognizing that I'm being irrational. Getting angry may be a rational response but threatening murder and mayhem is definately NOT rational.

 

Just yesterday I was telling a friend about this group selling t-shirts to help raise money to get children out of slavery in Ghana. Now, I'm familiar with the group, personally know several of the people involved in the group and it is definately something I'm passionate about. One of the women I was talking to made a snide comment about how that's not the best way to help these kids. I immediately felt the hackles rise and it was an over the top, I'm going to take her head off moment. I bit my tongue REALLY hard, got up and left the room and took a breather. She was ignorant, but recognizing that her ignorance shouldn't result in her immediate destruction helped me diffuse my anger a little. I was definately still angry, but no one died.

 

Good luck. Irrational responses are exactly that - irrational. I *know* how hard it is to get a rein on it.

[RanchMom]

I've read that some moms do year round school: 3 weeks on and one week off.

I bet I can guess which week they take off. . . Sounds tempting!

Check with your doctor. I take B vitamins and a Calcium/magnesium supplement and if I remember to take it every day, it really helps.

My husband will write you a testimonial, if you'd like. He's the one who reminds me to take my vitamins.

[KidsHappen]

Any chance you are bi-polar? When I got my dx my life suddenly made sense. Now that I am medicated and well regulated I rarely lose it any more and if I do it is more of a mini-meltdown instead of a full blown raging episode. My youngest two children don't even remember what I was like before and the ones that do remember are very thankful that I got the help that I needed. I originally went to the dr. because I didn't want my children to remember being raised by Mommy Dearest. Sometimes depression can also present as anger and irritability and of course, hormonal issues can cause problems as well. I would get in to see a dr. and be brutally honest with him about the your situation. :grouphug:

[Mynyel]

:grouphug: BTDT....gotta just second everything Jean said.

 

How old are you? Turns out some of my anger issues were stress related whch turned out to be hormonally related. I will be 45 in a few days and haven't had a period in a year...hormone level check indicates I'm definitely menopausal. I began taking the weakest dose of a hormone and it worked like magic.

 

I am 35 in just over a month. I don't know if it is menopausal or not, I don't think so though. I think it is just the situations that set me off. I know what triggers it when I fly off the handle and it typically is the situations I mentioned.

 

I sometimes wonder if I just need to get out more...

 

I've read that some moms do year round school: 3 weeks on and one week off.

I bet I can guess which week they take off. . . Sounds tempting!

Check with your doctor. I take B vitamins and a Calcium/magnesium supplement and if I remember to take it every day, it really helps.

My husband will write you a testimonial, if you'd like. He's the one who reminds me to take my vitamins.

 

We year round school but it is more of 2-4 days on 2-4 days off :D and that typically is because I get tired of forcing the issue.

 

With any work it is usually my dd that gives me the trouble. With ds it is distraction. He starts doing it then sees something interesting and then stops.

 

I have lots of vitamins. I forget to take them. I have been bad about daily vitamins all my life...which is why I never took birth control pills :glare:. Besides not handling the hormones. I had that hormone releasing IUD after my last. I had it for a total of 1 month and had it removed. It was horrible.

 

 

Any chance you are bi-polar? When I got my dx my life suddenly made sense. Now that I am medicated and well regulated I rarely lose it any more and if I do it is more of a mini-meltdown instead of a full blown raging episode. My youngest two children don't even remember what I was like before and the ones that do remember are very thankful that I got the help that I needed. I originally went to the dr. because I didn't want my children to remember being raised by Mommy Dearest. Sometimes depression can also present as anger and irritability and of course, hormonal issues can cause problems as well. I would get in to see a dr. and be brutally honest with him about the your situation. :grouphug:

 

Nah...not that bad. I am not Mommy Dearest :) I do all the things I say but never, ever at anyone. My mom was similar, I remember he throwing things periodically and slamming doors.

I know (think) bi polar is a "spin off" of depression (well at least I think it is, I really have no clue). Mild depression may be it. There is more going on in my life than just what I have mentioned. I would take me forever to explain it all. However I can't and won't go to the doctor. I don't want to be diagnosed with anything to make it a crutch (not saying others do this, just talking about myself) and I will not take any perscription meds that will alter my brain function. Unless I was seriously schizoid or paranoid or something of that ilk I simply won't take them. I do not want to rely on them.

I really don't want to rely on any pill. I believe if I could just get things on track at home I would be better. I haven't always been like this. Just in the last year or so. OK well maybe a little longer but it feels like it has been worse.

 

 

Maybe I just need Mom time but...well I don't have it. I can get a few hours alone here and there but nothing more!

 

Anyway :) Thanks for listening and responding! It helps just typing it out.

 

Although it doesn't get kids to do chores or school work done.....or babies to quit whining:glare:

[iona]

:grouphug:

 

:lurk5:

[melissel]

:grouphug: You sound so much like me. Yes, depression can manifest itself as anger. Mine does. However, I was also raised in a household where my dad snipped and snapped and moderately verbally abused both my mom and me, and I know I picked up a LOT of that. To me, that manner of speaking and short fuse is just a way of life. I'm constantly amazed at my friends, who speak to their kids in a normal, neutral tone when my first response would be something like, "What?! WHAT?! NOW what do you want?!!!!" :(

 

Taking 5-HTP has helped me IMMENSELY. When I'm in a groove and remembering to take it, I take 100 mg twice a day, and I find myself sailing calmly through my days. Without it, I'm incapable of catching myself and walking away or relaxing myself the way PPs have described. I don't even register the anger on a conscious level until 10 minutes after everything has cooled down and I'm feeling like an ogre, realizing what I said and did. When I am taking it, I'm cool-headed and can distance myself enough to stay calm in difficult situations.

 

It's not for everyone. I know some people here have had negative side effects (nightmares and, interestingly, someone reported an increased anger level). But for me, it's like it resets all my gauges back to where normal people's indicators should be.

 

HTH! You're definitely not alone.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: You sound so much like me. Yes, depression can manifest itself as anger. Mine does. However, I was also raised in a household where my dad snipped and snapped and moderately verbally abused both my mom and me, and I know I picked up a LOT of that. To me, that manner of speaking and short fuse is just a way of life. I'm constantly amazed at my friends, who speak to their kids in a normal, neutral tone when my first response would be something like, "What?! WHAT?! NOW what do you want?!!!!" :(

 

Taking 5-HTP has helped me IMMENSELY. When I'm in a groove and remembering to take it, I take 100 mg twice a day, and I find myself sailing calmly through my days. Without it, I'm incapable of catching myself and walking away or relaxing myself the way PPs have described. I don't even register the anger on a conscious level until 10 minutes after everything has cooled down and I'm feeling like an ogre, realizing what I said and did. When I am taking it, I'm cool-headed and can distance myself enough to stay calm in difficult situations.

 

It's not for everyone. I know some people here have had negative side effects (nightmares and, interestingly, someone reported an increased anger level). But for me, it's like it resets all my gauges back to where normal people's indicators should be.

 

HTH! You're definitely not alone.

 

I take 100 mg of 5-HTP and it has helped me as well. I'm the person who reported an increased anger level when first taking it. I had to start at 25 mg. and slowly increase (25 mg more each week) until I worked up to 100 mg.

[melissel]

I take 100 mg of 5-HTP and it has helped me as well. I'm the person who reported an increased anger level when first taking it. I had to start at 25 mg. and slowly increase (25 mg more each week) until I worked up to 100 mg.

 

Ah, that's good to hear! I thought it was you, but I didn't want to "out" you in case you didn't feel like sharing :D I always think of your experience when I talk about 5-HTP with people. I'm glad to know you found a way for it to work for you.

[Rosie_0801]

Regular chiropractics helps me with PMS. Help with the cramps, I expected, but it helps with moods too. Maybe try that with your daughter too ;)

 

The other reason I have anger issues is because, growing up, my mother was one of those types who only allowed (other people's) negative emotions if they were expressed in an appropriate way. You know what that means, don't you? Negative emotions may only be expressed in ways that that look sincerely cheery, and funnily enough, that's really hard to do. Now I'm in a safe place where I'm allowed to feel anger, it all wants to tumble out. I can keep a hold on it if I've had enough sleep, but some weeks I don't get enough sleep... I don't think it does kids any harm to see you employing the same strategies you expect them to employ. I think it is a good thing. Mum's anger wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was she was the only person allowed to be, and she was demanding the impossible of us.

 

Rosie

[Dawn in OH]

Sounds a lot like my house.

 

I know for me, and this may not apply to you at all, I had blood sugar issues. I am hypoglycemic, and when my sugar level crashes, I get really irritable, scream and yell, and then later don't even remember why I was screaming and yelling. Since I've changed how I eat and got my sugar issues under control, this doesn't happen nearly as often.

 

It does still happen sometimes, due to frustration with the house and kids. Sometimes I need to just walk away. I have a "Mommy time out" spot where I go sit and regroup. No one is to bother me unless someone is choking, bleeding, dying or on fire. This helps me a lot.

 

I've also found that eating well, getting enough sleep and taking my vitamins helps a lot. Whenever I fail to do those three things I can see and feel the difference.

 

I've learned to inform the family "Mommy is getting really agitated right now and if we don't want this to turn unpleasant for everyone, we all need to stop right now." The older two kids get this. My toddler doesn't, but it's much easier to cope with one child than all four.

 

I also have an angry complaining child. I handle him much the same way I handle me. I won't respond to his whining. I tell him that. I tell him he needs to calm down if he wants any help. I send him off to his room to calm down, and no one is to bother him there, and he can back and join the family when he is calm. When he was younger I informed him of when he was calm, but now he can moderate himself. Dealing with his anger and temper issues have alleviated a lot of my stress.

 

And now they are all asking for things again so I need to go, before anyone ends up having a meltdown, myself included.

[Mejane]

I know for me, and this may not apply to you at all, I had blood sugar issues. I am hypoglycemic, and when my sugar level crashes, I get really irritable, scream and yell, and then later don't even remember why I was screaming and yelling. Since I've changed how I eat and got my sugar issues under control, this doesn't happen nearly as often.

 

 

 

This is me. Those sugar highs and lows can really affect mood. More protein and less carbs worked for me; just eating eggs instead of toast for breakfast made a big difference in my day.

[1bassoon]

Another random thought:

 

Do you drink anything diet, with artificial sweeteners? I've found that when I'm sucking down my usual 4-5 diet cokes a day, my temper flares.

 

When I'm not drinking them, I'm much more rational.

[AHASRADA]

I don't have any solutions for you, but BTDT. I am, at least, starting to notice what types of things set me off. It usually involves me feeling disrespected, dismissed, ignored, or helpless. A great deal of the time, I misinterpret the intention behind the action/comment that makes me feel that way, but I don't realize that until I have already reacted in a negative manner. Strangely, this only happens with my immediate family. Nothing strangers or acquaintances do ever sets me off to the same extent. Maybe because I expect respect and consideration from my family that strangers don't necessarily "owe" me. My mom was the exact opposite, never sharing her feelings with my father or showing him that she was upset, so as to not "rock the boat". This disgusted me, so I share *every* feeling and everyone in the house knows when I am upset!

 

My best hope for a solution (although I find it very hard to implement in the heat of the moment) is a weekend workshop I took on "non-violent communication". It involves calmly and respectfully sharing how the other person's comments or actions make you feel, while mirroring what you think they are trying to express so they feel heard and are therefore more open to hearing you.

 

That's my best advice, but the vitamins could help too ;).

[Parrothead]

So the post Simka made about stress and railing someone has got me thinking.

 

I think I have anger issues.

 

I can fly off the handle at any moment. Especially during that time of month. I have yelled, said more than a few four letter words :blushing:, thrown things, slammed doors and various other things I can't remember but sure I did.

 

I just don't know what to do. Typically it is because of the condition (or lack thereof) of the house. My family just doesn't care if they pick up anything or what they do with things. That was another thread I posted.

 

Sometimes it is kid attitude (and husband as well). Especially the 12yo. She is getting into the teenage years and it is becoming very evident that I am in for a rough road. Not like jail time, lock her door type but general discord.

 

Other times it is my ds2. He has been a complainy child since birth and it hasn't gotten any better. It seems he is always whining about something. He has his own anger issues..he likes to throw things when he doesn't get his way.

 

I just am tired of being angry all the time. I don't have the means to go anywhere and I can't anyway, I should start training on the 13th for work.

 

I wish someone could see what happens in my house. Maybe it is me that causes the issues. I don't know.

 

I don't even know what I expect from posting this but I am hoping I can keep my temper in check for the rest of the day. I lost it earlier...

Welcome to my life. I don't get violent but I'm not putting up with much BS any more from anyone.

 

Check this book out of the library if you can. I'm thinking I'm going to try the suggestions at the recommendation of a friend.

[Caraway]

Cutting out all carbs and sugar helps me be a nicer person. :o

 

(This of course is true AFTER the two week adjustment period when I would kill someone for a tortilla chip. :001_huh:)

[Peela]

Anger issues here too at times. Living with a dh who flies off the handle easily and then is all calm a few seconds later as if nothing has happened has its issues too. Dd16 is not outwardly angry but gets a bit passive aggressive. Ds14 has quite a temper.

I have been good for ages then the last two cycles, man, I have really lost it for about 3 days. This last one was the worst for years. I felt stuck in rage for 2 solid days.

I found this last cycle I was stressed because of running dd's 16th b'day party...the extra stress really seemed to send me over the edge. (the party went well but my marriage barely survived it!).

 

If you are being triggered by a messy house and unhelpful kids, I suggest you deal with those issues in a proactive way the rest of the month. I have just got back on the Flylady bandwagon because I was sliding too far towards chaos. Watch your tendency to become a victim to your children and remember you are the parent and it is your job to train them well. They are just being normal kids and gratitude and a desire to help dont seem to be in built- they seem to need to be cultivated!

My mother got very bitter at my attitude as a teenager and when I look back, she "exected" me to just help and be responsible, because a part of me was quite mature- but she didnt train me and she didn't take responsibility. Even the teen years take lots of guidance.

 

Then, to keep myself balanced, I have tried various things and I think you need to experiment and find what works for you. And what works for 6 months might not work forever.

Natural progesterone cream.

Chaste tree

Spirulina and other green superfoods

a Low GI diet, keeping blood sugar stable

B6

a multi B

St Johns Wort

A liver cleanse (the liver is where anger is stored and we westerners tend to get quite toxic)

Lots of extra sleep and naps, especially around the worst time of the month

Taking extra time to nurture myself and slow down, have baths, go for walks alone, read in bed for hours etc, when I am feeling my worst

Extra exercise to burn off that anger

When I am angry, I find long walks help me- when I had small kids I owuld take them to a part or the beach where I could let them run wild while I salmed down.

Beauty- a sunset, flowers, time in the garden- these help me calm and get things back in perspective.

Writing a journal- sometimes writing helps me clear my head

 

I try to remember that issues that come up pre menstrually are not necessarily invalid- they are just not always seen in correct perspective. So I try and remember what they are and deal with them at other times.

[juelle]

Anger issues here too at times. Living with a dh who flies off the handle easily and then is all calm a few seconds later as if nothing has happened has its issues too. Dd16 is not outwardly angry but gets a bit passive aggressive. Ds14 has quite a temper.

I have been good for ages then the last two cycles, man, I have really lost it for about 3 days. This last one was the worst for years. I felt stuck in rage for 2 solid days.

I found this last cycle I was stressed because of running dd's 16th b'day party...the extra stress really seemed to send me over the edge. (the party went well but my marriage barely survived it!).

 

If you are being triggered by a messy house and unhelpful kids, I suggest you deal with those issues in a proactive way the rest of the month. I have just got back on the Flylady bandwagon because I was sliding too far towards chaos. Watch your tendency to become a victim to your children and remember you are the parent and it is your job to train them well. They are just being normal kids and gratitude and a desire to help dont seem to be in built- they seem to need to be cultivated!

My mother got very bitter at my attitude as a teenager and when I look back, she "exected" me to just help and be responsible, because a part of me was quite mature- but she didnt train me and she didn't take responsibility. Even the teen years take lots of guidance.

 

Then, to keep myself balanced, I have tried various things and I think you need to experiment and find what works for you. And what works for 6 months might not work forever.

Natural progesterone cream.

Chaste tree

Spirulina and other green superfoods

a Low GI diet, keeping blood sugar stable

B6

a multi B

St Johns Wort

A liver cleanse (the liver is where anger is stored and we westerners tend to get quite toxic)

Lots of extra sleep and naps, especially around the worst time of the month

Taking extra time to nurture myself and slow down, have baths, go for walks alone, read in bed for hours etc, when I am feeling my worst

Extra exercise to burn off that anger

When I am angry, I find long walks help me- when I had small kids I owuld take them to a part or the beach where I could let them run wild while I salmed down.

Beauty- a sunset, flowers, time in the garden- these help me calm and get things back in perspective.

Writing a journal- sometimes writing helps me clear my head

 

I try to remember that issues that come up pre menstrually are not necessarily invalid- they are just not always seen in correct perspective. So I try and remember what they are and deal with them at other times.

So helpful. Thanks, Peela, you're a treasure!:001_smile:

[Beth in OH]

My best hope for a solution (although I find it very hard to implement in the heat of the moment) is a weekend workshop I took on "non-violent communication". It involves calmly and respectfully sharing how the other person's comments or actions make you feel, while mirroring what you think they are trying to express so they feel heard and are therefore more open to hearing you.

.

 

OMG--I love the non-violent communication approach! I rarely run into anyone who has heard of it. I need continuing ed to keep my professional license current, and I have taken two seminars on this, because I loved it so much. I have been able to diffuse some really explosive situations. Of course, I had to make sure that I could open myself up to really "wanting" to hear what the other person had to say and consider other options. :lol:

[Scarlett]

Anger issues here too at times. Living with a dh who flies off the handle easily and then is all calm a few seconds later as if nothing has happened has its issues too. Dd16 is not outwardly angry but gets a bit passive aggressive. Ds14 has quite a temper.

I have been good for ages then the last two cycles, man, I have really lost it for about 3 days. This last one was the worst for years. I felt stuck in rage for 2 solid days.

I found this last cycle I was stressed because of running dd's 16th b'day party...the extra stress really seemed to send me over the edge. (the party went well but my marriage barely survived it!).

 

If you are being triggered by a messy house and unhelpful kids, I suggest you deal with those issues in a proactive way the rest of the month. I have just got back on the Flylady bandwagon because I was sliding too far towards chaos. Watch your tendency to become a victim to your children and remember you are the parent and it is your job to train them well. They are just being normal kids and gratitude and a desire to help dont seem to be in built- they seem to need to be cultivated!

My mother got very bitter at my attitude as a teenager and when I look back, she "exected" me to just help and be responsible, because a part of me was quite mature- but she didnt train me and she didn't take responsibility. Even the teen years take lots of guidance.

 

Then, to keep myself balanced, I have tried various things and I think you need to experiment and find what works for you. And what works for 6 months might not work forever.

Natural progesterone cream.

Chaste tree

Spirulina and other green superfoods

a Low GI diet, keeping blood sugar stable

B6

a multi B

St Johns Wort

A liver cleanse (the liver is where anger is stored and we westerners tend to get quite toxic)

Lots of extra sleep and naps, especially around the worst time of the month

Taking extra time to nurture myself and slow down, have baths, go for walks alone, read in bed for hours etc, when I am feeling my worst

Extra exercise to burn off that anger

When I am angry, I find long walks help me- when I had small kids I owuld take them to a part or the beach where I could let them run wild while I salmed down.

Beauty- a sunset, flowers, time in the garden- these help me calm and get things back in perspective.

Writing a journal- sometimes writing helps me clear my head

 

I try to remember that issues that come up pre menstrually are not necessarily invalid- they are just not always seen in correct perspective. So I try and remember what they are and deal with them at other times.

 

Great post Peela!

[i.love.lucy]

Thanks for this thread. I am seeing myself in many of these posts and feel like this morning it is spurring me on to make some positive changes. I need more sleep. I need a plan for keeping my house together (and training my kids in the process). I think I need progesterone cream...need to do more research on that. And I bought 5-HTP and haven't used it yet and will get started on that today. I also want to change my diet for the better...for weight loss and increased energy and overall health. I need exercise.

 

Not too many changes, eh?:lol: At least they are ones I can slowly work on to see how it makes me feel. I'll probably have to do one at a time. Hopefully I can keep from taking anyone's head off while I work to see what helps!:tongue_smilie:

[SquirrellyMama]

I find that my anger issues come out when I have let an issue go too long. If I all of a sudden fly off the handle with my son it is probably because he has been doing a behavior all day and I finally can't handle it anymore. Maybe I've been ignoring it all day or halfheartedly trying improve the behavior. All of a sudden I can't take it anymore and I'm yelling.

 

A lot of times it comes out when the house is a mess but I haven't been consistent with getting everyone to clean.

 

Kelly

 

Kelly

[Gratia271]

If you are being triggered by a messy house and unhelpful kids, I suggest you deal with those issues in a proactive way the rest of the month. I have just got back on the Flylady bandwagon because I was sliding too far towards chaos. Watch your tendency to become a victim to your children and remember you are the parent and it is your job to train them well. They are just being normal kids and gratitude and a desire to help dont seem to be in built- they seem to need to be cultivated! My mother got very bitter at my attitude as a teenager and when I look back, she "exected" me to just help and be responsible, because a part of me was quite mature- but she didnt train me and she didn't take responsibility. Even the teen years take lots of guidance.

 

Then, to keep myself balanced, I have tried various things and I think you need to experiment and find what works for you. And what works for 6 months might not work forever.

Natural progesterone cream.

Chaste tree

Spirulina and other green superfoods

a Low GI diet, keeping blood sugar stable

B6

a multi B

St Johns Wort

A liver cleanse (the liver is where anger is stored and we westerners tend to get quite toxic)

Lots of extra sleep and naps, especially around the worst time of the month

Taking extra time to nurture myself and slow down, have baths, go for walks alone, read in bed for hours etc, when I am feeling my worst

Extra exercise to burn off that anger

When I am angry, I find long walks help me- when I had small kids I owuld take them to a part or the beach where I could let them run wild while I salmed down.

Beauty- a sunset, flowers, time in the garden- these help me calm and get things back in perspective.

Writing a journal- sometimes writing helps me clear my head

 

I try to remember that issues that come up pre menstrually are not necessarily invalid- they are just not always seen in correct perspective. So I try and remember what they are and deal with them at other times.

 

Thanks for such a helpful post! What do you recommend for a liver cleanse?

[jld]

I hear you, and I just want to say that sometimes I think life is just hard. Of course at those times we are going to feel overwhelmed and it probably won't come out in a pretty way.

 

At different times in our life together, dh hasn't made as much money as I thought we needed, and extra, unexpected bills came along, and I really got upset. Sometimes the stress is just so great, we're like teapots blowing. And at least we blow! What if we kept it all in? What would happen to us then?

 

And sometimes our anger can be very productive. A few years back I was really feeling the money pinch. I wanted dh to ask for a raise, and he called me and said raises were only x. I was like, what? Get back in there and ask 6x! Finally he did, and he got 5x. They would have only given him x if he hadn't pressed the issue, and he wouldn't have pressed the issue if I hadn't pressed him. So anger can be our friend.:)

 

Another thing I think is unhelpful is all the messages we get, here, in our parenting books, in our various circles, that we should be perfect parents. We aren't. Sometimes kids are going to get yelled at, or even spanked. They may hear some bad words. And if anyone says, no, I have never done that, well, then, great for them. And I actually think if you ran over anyone's life with a fine tooth comb, you would find a few flaws that those people are trying to hide from even themselves. No one is perfect.

 

And I totally agree with the mirroring approach advocated by Beth in Ohio. Treat your daughter like you would want to be treated. "Honey, you seem upset. Did I do something that bothered you?" And then listen and really try to understand her point of view. Come up with a plan for change that both of you feel comfortable with. You can enjoy the teen years; I'm loving them with dd15, and plenty of other parents are, too. You're not doomed!:)

[Peela]

 

My best hope for a solution (although I find it very hard to implement in the heat of the moment) is a weekend workshop I took on "non-violent communication". It involves calmly and respectfully sharing how the other person's comments or actions make you feel, while mirroring what you think they are trying to express so they feel heard and are therefore more open to hearing you.

 

.

 

OMG--I love the non-violent communication approach! I rarely run into anyone who has heard of it. I need continuing ed to keep my professional license current, and I have taken two seminars on this, because I loved it so much. I have been able to diffuse some really explosive situations. Of course, I had to make sure that I could open myself up to really "wanting" to hear what the other person had to say and consider other options. :lol:

 

Oh wow, I just discovered this recently too! I too have difficulty responding well in the heat of the moment but am working on it! I have read the book and I want to do a workshop next. I recommend it to anyone.

 

What do you recommend for a liver cleanse?

 

I like this particular book:

amazon.com/Liver-Cleansing-Diet-Sandra-Cabot/dp/0967398363/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277475627&sr=8-1

and I have done the diet several times over the years. Very doable, not too extreme, yet effective even if you cheat now and then.

 

However, just taking care of your liver by minimising toxins, eating lots of greens/green juices and vegetables , eliminating trans fats and minimising animal fats, drinking water especially with a squeeze of lemon in it...will go a long way to giving your liver a break. Taking a herbal supplement might help too.

[Gratia271]

The other reason I have anger issues is because, growing up, my mother was one of those types who only allowed (other people's) negative emotions if they were expressed in an appropriate way. You know what that means, don't you? Negative emotions may only be expressed in ways that that look sincerely cheery, and funnily enough, that's really hard to do. Mum's anger wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was she was the only person allowed to be, and she was demanding the impossible of us. Rosie

 

:iagree:

I think it is vitally important for children to be allowed to be real in expressing their emotions.

 

this only happens with my immediate family. Nothing strangers or acquaintances do ever sets me off to the same extent. Maybe because I expect respect and consideration from my family that strangers don't necessarily "owe" me. My mom was the exact opposite, never sharing her feelings with my father or showing him that she was upset, so as to not "rock the boat". This disgusted me, so I share *every* feeling and everyone in the house knows when I am upset!

 

I could have written that! :001_smile:

 

Another thing I think is unhelpful is all the messages we get, here, in our parenting books, in our various circles, that we should be perfect parents. We aren't. Sometimes kids are going to get yelled at, or even spanked. They may hear some bad words. And if anyone says, no, I have never done that, well, then, great for them. And I actually think if you ran over anyone's life with a fine tooth comb, you would find a few flaws that those people are trying to hide from even themselves. No one is perfect.

 

My children and I often have this conversation about the fact that there is no perfect parent or child. I grew up with the perception that my mother was perfect. My children will surely not make that mistake. :lol:

 

I think there is a healthy way to express anger while maintaining an open, honest relationship. For those of us with intense personalities, we have to learn our triggers and as some pp have stated walk away when necessary.

[Gratia271]

I like this particular book:

amazon.com/Liver-Cleansing-Diet-Sandra-Cabot/dp/0967398363/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277475627&sr=8-1

and I have done the diet several times over the years. Very doable, not too extreme, yet effective even if you cheat now and then.

 

However, just taking care of your liver by minimising toxins, eating lots of greens/green juices and vegetables , eliminating trans fats and minimising animal fats, drinking water especially with a squeeze of lemon in it...will go a long way to giving your liver a break. Taking a herbal supplement might help too.

 

Thanks! I think I would benefit tremendously from a liver cleanse. I have followed your other posts on cleansing too and really appreciate all of your great advice!

[Impish]

A few thoughts:

 

My depression is expressed by anger. So I wonder if it isn't the same for you. As far as medication goes, if you're suffering from depression, your brain chemistry is already altered. The meds help to correct the problem, just as insulin helps a diabetic, and synthroid helps someone with a hypoactive thyroid. Its no more a crutch than the other meds I mentioned, and I'm fairly certain that if you were a diabetic, you wouldn't consider insulin a 'crutch'.

 

Depression is a medical problem. It deserves to be treated as such. For your sake, and your family's, if you suspect an issue with depression, please see your Dr. You deserve that, as do your kids. :grouphug:

[Peela]

Depression is a medical problem. It deserves to be treated as such. For your sake, and your family's, if you suspect an issue with depression, please see your Dr. You deserve that, as do your kids. :grouphug:

 

I am not against anyone getting medication for depression.

 

However, I read a stat the other day that I think was something like 1/3 of Americans are on anti depressants.

I don't think that's a medication deficiency or even a medical condition. That's a vast, societal inability to cope with life in a healthy way. It is pointing to something so hugely wrong with our culture, we can barely step back and look, it's so overwhelming.

I would not resort to medication without ALSO making sure I was getting some decent therapy and learning how to handle my anger in particular, in a better way. Anger and depression are VERY connected.

[Scarlett]

I am not against anyone getting medication for depression.

 

However, I read a stat the other day that I think was something like 1/3 of Americans are on anti depressants.

I don't think that's a medication deficiency or even a medical condition. That's a vast, societal inability to cope with life in a healthy way. It is pointing to something so hugely wrong with our culture, we can barely step back and look, it's so overwhelming.

 

Well said! Wow. My mom and I discuss this ALL the time....there is something going on that causes sooooooo many people to be on ADs. (and FTR I too am not against those meds when needed). My own experience with them....when my 26 year marriage fell apart last year---it was VERY ugly---I went for STD testing and my doctor handed me a bag full of AD without really even ASKING me if I needed/wanted them. I had lost a ton of weight (25 pounds in a month) and it was shocking, but hey the situation was shocking! I took them.....and they did help....but after about 3 months I wanted off....

 

When I think back on it....sure I couldn't eat or sleep for months. But what would be a normal reaction to what I discovered? I think it was just something I had to get through...not sure meds were really needed. I had family and friends and neighbors who helped me....one neighbor practically spoon fed me enough to keep me alive those first couple of months. I had situational trauma....and I was taking definitive steps (kicking him to the curb, divorcing him) to alter that situation....so why did I need meds?

 

Anyway, all that to say, I agree with you Peela.

 

Disclaimer: Totally NOT against drugs when needed. I have a mentally ill brother who would be living under a bridge or dead if not for meds.

[jenL]

 

However, I read a stat the other day that I think was something like 1/3 of Americans are on anti depressants.

I don't think that's a medication deficiency or even a medical condition. That's a vast, societal inability to cope with life in a healthy way. It is pointing to something so hugely wrong with our culture, we can barely step back and look, it's so overwhelming.

I would not resort to medication without ALSO making sure I was getting some decent therapy and learning how to handle my anger in particular, in a better way. Anger and depression are VERY connected.

 

I am someone who has always battled anger issues. When I was 21, I fell apart and was diagnosed with depression. I was placed on an anti-depressant, and I became a new person. I'm not advocating medications, and for a long time I wondered if I was just one the the stats mentioned above (I do believe drs. often just write out prescriptions since it's easier), but I found that with medication, I am able to function better. My anger is kept at bay far better than I was able to do on my own. Around my period, I can struggle, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was years ago. I've also started exercising recently, and I've noticed that is helping too. Dh is also very aware of my threshold, and he tries really hard to make sure he and the kids give me space. However, as Peela mentioned in an earlier post, he is quick to fly off the handle, so living with his anger sometimes spurs mine. He's working on it though. We've both been in therapy (I still am) to address our anger issues (and my depression). Using the medication as part of a larger package, has helped me to become a calmer, more focused person, and a better mom.

 

HTH! :grouphug: You are not alone!