I Hate Father's Day

[Heather in Neverland]

So I won't go into the details as this is not supposed to be a therapy session but suffice it to say I did not have a very good relationship with my father while growing up, my parents divorced when I was 28yo, and I have not seen or spoken to my father in over 10 years.

 

And I am so envious and so heartbroken hearing all the stories of what great fathers everyone else has. Even if my dad was dead right now, if we had been close, if he had been a good father, at least I could miss him and have the memories, you know?

 

Then add to that the "honor your father and mother" commandment that looms over me because I am obviously not doing that. And I don't even know how. How do I "honor" him but not have him in my life (it is far too late for reconciliation...even if he wanted to...which he doesn't). I can forgive him but I don't want him in my life. So how do I "honor" him?

 

I look at my baby girl and I am so happy that my dh is a good father and loves his children and I know he will be there and be a positive influence in her life. So at least I am not repeating the vicious circle but, man, father's day just really bummed me out. :crying:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Well, along with the "honor your father and mother" there is also the verse about "fathers do not frustrate your children", so.....take that as you will.

[Tess in the Burbs]

since he's out of your life at this point I don't see any way to show honor to him. Dh has a strained relationship with his parents and while he called yesterday to say Happy Father's Day he didn't even speak to his dad. :001_huh:

 

He called only b/c I encouraged him too. It's ok to have healthy boundaries. But you have to set those boundaries up and have peace with them.

 

If you are a Christian than honor your true Father, God. I think He would be pleased with that honor.

[Lara in Colo]

As a child of a trying parent, please tell where that scripture is--the one about the parent do not frustrate your child.

 

For the OP. I have a poor relationship with my father that I am trying to rebuild. As an adult, I relalized things about him & my mother--she was the one that caused and encouraged most of the discord. He has some resposcibility here too, but she is the one I have cut myselt off from. I actually found great comfort in my pastor. He actually gave me encouragement to cut her off--but I still have a problem with the honor your parent part. If you find a solution--let me know.

 

Lara

[Faithr]

My father struggled with alcoholism for a long time. I hear ya on the honor your father thing! The thing I did was just hand it over to Jesus. I just said, I don't know how to do this, Lord, you take care of it. I'd say a little prayer every time I felt like I wasn't honoring. Slowly, slowly, over YEARS, I got perspective on it. And then he got control of his drinking and I wound up having a close relationship with him for a good many years before he passed away. Prayer works wonders!

[Daisy]

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

 

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

 

Ephesians 6:1-4

[Daisy]

I focus on celebrating Father's Day with my husband. I send my Dad the obligatory card, but I don't call him.

[i.love.lucy]

Lara, it's Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

 

My father was a very angry person. And he took most of that out on my brother, but also me sometimes. Now that I look back on it all, it was a very abusive household. Very controlling. Scary even. He died of a massive heart attack when I was 19 and I never really got to reconcile it all. My brother was only 17 at the time and it turned him into a very, very unhappy and reckless person. He has had a very, very bad life. My mom tried to help him but that was a pretty co-dependent relationship. Now I have no idea where my brother is and have not spoken to him at all in about 8 years. I blame his problems on my father.

 

My mom remarried and I am not very fond of my step-father either. His family is the poster-child for dysfunction. But I'm an adult and don't have to deal with him too much. He's the grandad for my kids though.:glare:

 

So yeah, Father's Day is tough.

[Rosy]

As a child of a trying parent, please tell where that scripture is--the one about the parent do not frustrate your child.

 

 

1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."[a] 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

This is from Ephesians 6.

 

OP--I think we can honor estranged parents by refusing to badmouth them and by drawing firm boundaries. He created the situation (as far as I can tell from your post) and you are honoring him by forgiving him and by not making it worse.

[hillfarm]

I think you can honor him by acknowledging that he is your father and that he is a beloved child of God just as you are.

 

IMO, honor has little to do with liking or loving. It is not a Hallmark moment kind of thing necessarily. Kind of like how I feel about a president I didn't vote for. I honor him by respecting the position he is filling, not badmouthing him, and not actively trying to bring him to shame or embarrassment. I don't have to love or even like him and yet can still show him honor.

 

Many parents have conducted themselves in a manner not worthy of respect. Some have even gone beyond that into the realm of horrible, depraved, criminal behavior. I do not feel that God wants anyone to pander after those people and condone or enable their actions. I feel that we honor them by acknowledging them as our parent and that they are loved by the same Creator as we are. No one is perfect, some less so than others, but God does love us all. And by proclaiming that toward the person, IMO, that is honor without excuses or enabling.

[teeleigh2000]

Ephesians 6:4 (New King James Version)

 

4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

 

 

Colossians 3:21 (New King James Version)

 

21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

[Heather in Neverland]

My mom remarried and I am not very fond of my step-father either. His family is the poster-child for dysfunction. But I'm an adult and don't have to deal with him too much. He's the grandad for my kids though.:glare:

 

So yeah, Father's Day is tough.

 

Ugh. Don't get me started on the man my mother is currently married to. it's like she married my dad all over again.

[laughing lioness]

Honor the role if for some reason you can't honor the person.

[DawnM]

Heather,

 

Don't feel too bad....it would be harder for me if it were Mother's Day!

 

Enough said.

 

Dawn

[Nakia]

I'm sorry Heather. I feel really blessed to have a great stepfather who raised me, but my bio father is an abusive alcoholic. I struggle with how to honor him, even though he isn't in my life at all. I don't have any answers, but I wanted to send you a hug. :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

What about when God forbade His people from entering the promised land because they caused discord when they learned the people were big. They stayed in the desert until they died and he had their children stay with them to take care of them. This seems unfair and is this honoring your parent????

 

Lara

[*~Tina~*]

I understand your heartache Heather. As some others have shared. . .my father was also an angry, alcoholic and it was very uncomfortable to be around him as I became an adult. I harbored a lot of bitterness towards him and had nightmares for years. Our relationship was polluted by pain (both the pain he carried and the pain he imparted), however, I'll never forget the day I was walking down the hall and the Holy Spirit prompted me to pick up the phone, give him a call, and grant him forgiveness. It was the strongest urging I've ever sensed to this day!

 

My father wasn't asking for forgiveness and in his mind probably didn't need it, but I did as I felt led. I went to his home and told him that I loved him and I forgive him. We both cried. It was a very difficult process and had I not been guided and strengthened by God's grace, I could never have done it. Of course, this didn't make things perfect or different really, except the huge weight of unforgiveness was lifted from my heart.

 

A few months later, my father committed suicide by a single gunshot to the chest.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to have had that opportunity to talk with my father before his passing. Wow, it still takes my breath away.

 

Yet, I will never forget the words the Pastor spoke at his funeral. "Today we grieve for what we've lost and we grieve for what never was."

 

There is a profound sadness in the continous grieving of that basic need which we longed for, but never received. As I write this, I feel that overwhelming loss once again, because as much as I miss my father, I know that what I truly miss is the same thing I missed when he was still here - "what never was".

 

All that to say life is so short. I pray that God will comfort and speak to your heart and that HE will speak though you to your father if the opportunity ever comes. I also pray for the heartache, longing, and envy that is present in your life. I know it all too well.

 

Remembering, longing, and grabbing my tissues now. . .

 

Blessings,

¸.·´ .·´¨¨))

((¸¸.·´ .·´ -:¦:-Tina ~

-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*

http://seasonsoflearning.blogspot.com/

[Stacia]

(it is far too late for reconciliation...even if he wanted to...which he doesn't).

 

Never say never, imo. People can, and do, change. Relationships can, and do, change.

 

(I say this from personal experience.)

 

One never knows what the future may hold.

[newbie]

I , too have alcoholic parents, although my step dad is not. But, a relationship w/him is hard, b/c he is married to my mother. Ick.

 

Yesterday I took comfort in the fact that I have a great father in heaven and wished him a Happy Fathers Day.

[OnTheBrink]

I have the same issue, but its with my mother. I took the issue to my pastor, concerned about the honoring thing and his response was that the most honoring thing I could do for her at this point was to not engage her at all. Without going into all the sordid details, my saying anything to her would do nothing more than continue to incite discord and strife, which is sinful. There is nothing I can say to her that would bring peace, other than for me to grovel at her feet out of repentance for sins I didn't commit. I can not do that and will not do that; it would be a lie. So we sit here at this stalemate. I refuse to respond to her baiting, her name-calling, her manipulation and intimidation. The only way to be at peace with her is to not communicate or respond to her at all.

[Audrey]

Sometimes the only way you can honour someone, is to simply leave them be, and go on with your own life.

[3lilreds in NC]

Heather, first of all, I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

Secondly, I think the advice you've gotten here is perfect - don't engage him. Don't say bad things about him to your kids. Keep firm boundaries and don't let him abuse you - which you've done and continue to do.

 

It's NOT your fault. As much hurt as he's dealt you, it's from HIS heart, HIS hurt, HIS place of pain - not because of who YOU are. This is what I've had to cling to while learning to deal with my own toxic people. You have to let their "stuff" be their "stuff," and not take it on yourself.

 

It's easier said than done, I know. I'm sorry, Sweetie, I am. I know you are thankful for the father your husband is, and that is a beautiful thing - more than enough reason to celebrate Father's Day.

[LinzluvsGJ]

I find Father's Day difficult, too. I looked for a card for my dad and they all were gushy and saying "Oh you were such a great dad and always there for me", but mine wasn't (alcoholic abusive situation). I am on civil terms, but certainly not close terms with my dad at this point, and still rather resentful of the situation he has continued to put my family like my mom and brother in with his recklessness. I didn't end up calling him yesterday, and I feel bad about that, but at the same time, I can't hold a conversation with him because it generates so many bad feelings in me and resent.

[Sweetpeach]

Ah, the beautiful and horrible day of tension . . . Father's Day.

 

I generally have a little cry in the card aisle; happy to have married a man worthy of such a touching and heart-felt card. Teary because I could never buy a Father's Day card for my dad, and really mean it.

 

But then I read this:

 

http://aholyexperience.com (the second blog about children forgiving parents really spoke to me).

 

and I remind myself that my father had a horrible growing up, and despite all of his trauma and pain, he's a good man and uses the tools he has to do the best he can.

 

A year ago, I watched my dear girlfriend grieve the death of her father and I cried right along with her . . . abandonment does feel like a death and I'd never really felt it. I'm thankful for the peek into a functioning daddy-daughter relationship and even more thankful that my children have a committed, loving, kind Daddy.

 

Yes, Heather, I hate it and love it right along with you.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Rosie_0801]

I think it helps to ponder on the difference between biological relationship and social relationships. In my mind, if a person bows out of their parental role, they have forfeited the benefits, and in this case, that is being honoured as a father. If you don't act like one, you aren't one. Do we usually go around praising and rewarding people for things they haven't done? When I studied anthropology at uni, I did a class on kinship. We have a strong focus on blood ties. In other times and places, a child's father was not necessarily the guy who donated his DNA. The child's father was the guy who wanted the child enough to look after the pregnant woman and help her raise the it. There's some sense in that, isn't there!

 

Rosie

[Guest janainaz]

My father is an emotionally disconnected man. I love him, but I'm not even sure who he really is. After putting his career first his entire life he finally retired last year and has come to see me once. He'd rather spend his time in Vegas or at the track. He has more than retired in style, but complains he has to watch the funds. I could internalize that and make it about me, but it's not. It's about him and he's missing out.

 

The way I honor my father is by just accepting him as he is. I can't change him and I just take what he has to offer me and I love him back the best I can. It's difficult when someone can't fully receive your love - it hinders your capacity to love them.

 

My mother can't be in my life. She chooses not to be there and I honor her by accepting that. But even if it were me (and it has been in the past) who has chosen not to have her in my life because the pain was too great - that does not mean that I can't honor her. I can choose to release the hurt and bitterness and I can let my prayers rest with God. Honoring your parents is no different than honoring the average, everyday human that struggles to handle the obstacles in this life. To me, to honor means to have mercy - and mercy is an attitude of the heart. Mercy also is what heals those wounds. And you find mercy when you see yourself in other people - even the ones you don't really like.

[Heather in Neverland]

I woke up this morning and read all these awesome replies and just...cried. Things are just so complicated and reading all your stories broke my heart too. So much hurt in the world.

 

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I have a lot to think about...

[Pajama Mama]

I lived with my dad until I was 17. I don't have any good memories of him in my childhood. He was a very unhappy person. I never felt loved by him. I hated him for a long time.

 

After we got married, dh encouraged me to get in touch with my dad. We moved him in with us when we discovered he was having mini-strokes. that was 12 years ago:glare:

 

I don't hate him but I don't exactly love him either. I care about him and feel sorry for him that he's always so miserable. But those loving feelings that a girl is supposed to develop for her daddy never grew in me. A flower without sunlight won't grow properly or maybe at all.

 

Yesterday, my dad and dh both got breakfast in bed from the kids(after prodding them to do anything). My dad got a couple little presents and a card. I called my brother and pretended that he called me. It made my dad happy that my brother called him for Father's Day. I doubt that my brother would have remembered.

 

It hasn't been easy caring for my dad but he didn't have anyone else. He won't be around much longer so I'm trying to be good to him. It's really hard to be good to someone who hurt you so much as a child. I doubt that I would have taken him in if it hadn't been for dh. I also doubt that my dad would be alive if I hadn't.

 

I'm not saying these things because I think that you have to reconcile with him. But I do understand the hurt that can still reside in that little girl who never felt loved by daddy.

[mommaduck]

I'm with you, Heather...only my issue is mostly Mother's Day. Father's Day, I focus on my husband...my father was more of a sperm donor and is a royal mess, easier to ignore. My stepfather is more of who I'm angry at and he stepped between my mama and I on Mother's Day...so Mother's Day is how I count the years since I last saw mine.

[lllll]

..

[Terabith]

I hate both Mother's and Father's Day. It is just such a horrible reminder for people who either had bad relationships with their parents, or who suffer from infertility, or have parents who have recently died, etc.....

 

I hate it especially when churches do things with it, like give out flowers or books or something to all the mothers or fathers, and make a big deal out of it. How does it feel to have just had a miscarriage, walk into church, and have an usher ask you if you are a mother? What if you were abused by your father? What if you have been going through infertility issues and desperately WANT to be a father? And then in church you're supposed to smile and clap and look all smiley and happy or you're considered this big evil pariah if you don't love it............

 

Yeah. I hear you.