How do your children address an adult?

[Hannah]

Over here it is very easy, all older ladies are FirstName Aunty and all older men are FirstName Uncle. If you don't know the first name, just aunty or uncle will do. It would be considered VERY rude for a child here to call an adult by a first name (unless it was a maid or driver.) In our house, we have a rule that ALL adults (including maids and drivers) are treated with the same respect - so everyone is Aunty and Uncle to my kids.

 

It is the same here in the Afrikaans speaking community, so we switch our response to the language of our friends. So, it would be "Tannie" or "Oom" FirstName. This also includes cleaners(maids) and gardeners. Some maids are Grandma FirstName, but that is the respectful term in Sotho.

 

For English-speaking friends we would use either Aunty FirstName or Uncle FirstName or just their first name depending on the adult's preference. Of couse, we also have Afrikaans speaking friends that prefer to be addressed by their first name.

 

Teachers at school are addressed as Mr/Mrs LastName. And when asked a question, the child would reply "Yes M'am" or "No Sir".

 

My daughter's horse-riding instructor is in her early twenties and is called by her first name, but all the other adults at activities are Tannie FirstName.

 

The working environment here is very informal and everyone, whatever the age, is addressed by their first name.

 

I generally don't mind how I'm addressed as long as the child/person is respectful. I think the tone says more than the form of address.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Adults should be called whatever they (the adults) *want* to be called. My children have always done that. They also know to answer yes and no, not some slang. Ma'am and Sir sometimes are used, but it depends on the circumstances just like for when my hubby and I use it. This was an issue we considered because my hubby was forced to say it as were some of the children in the family. It was UGLY (honestly, I've never heard anyone be anything BUT ugly when insisting on sir and ma'am outside of taekwondo). So I didn't want that. My family didn't insist and yet we still used it when appropriate (formal situations, asking for help, authority, etc) so I knew it was possible. And obviously it was because my kids have said it when reasonable.

 

I think parents OVER doing the last name, sir/ma'am, etc is INAPPROPRIATE. Again, some circumstances require it and some don't. And an adult should be able to CHOOSE what THEY want to be called.

 

Part of the second part of that comes from my own experience. At 12, I met the first person who wanted me to call her by her first name (no Miss either!). I balked and refused. I was TWELVE! However, she explained it to me as a respect issue after a week (I saw her several hours per day during that week) and I got it.

 

I guess some could argue that they are their children and will be more formal if they decide to and that is their choice to be respected. However, I really think it is the person being called that should have a say in what they are called. I think it's disrespectful to call someone something other than what they wished to be called. Same goes with if they ask for you not to say sir/ma'am. We really should respect people on this issue despite what we usually would do.

[FriedClams]

Mr./Mrs. Lastname and sir/ma'am.

 

I think less is disrespectful. I loathe kids using my first name. That's for friends and while I love my kids friends - they aren't my friends.

 

When we were kids we used only Mr./Mrs. Lastname. You can still be close and friendly while giving respectful boundaries.

[TravelingChris]

My kids don't like to call adults by their first name without a Mr. or Miss or Ms. in front except if they are in a co-equal position (like volunteers together in a kitchen preparing Sunday morning coffee). The homeschool co=ops I have been in lately want adults addressed as MRS. Lastname. The problem is I am not Mrs. Lastname. I am Ms. LastName or preferably Ms. Firstname. (I didn't take my dh's last name so it is incorrect to call me Mrs. Last Name).

[JudoMom]

I believe a child should address an adult as Mr/Mrs Last Name. When a last name is not known, then Sir or Ma'am. "Respect your elders." Does this still exist? When Doodle and I attended a homeschool valentine party in February, I was surprised to hear the girls addressing the host mom by her first name. I do not approve of Miss/Mrs First Name either. Recently I introduce Doodle to another homeschool mom who we were meeting at the park for the first time. I had previously exchanged emailed with this woman and knew her full name. I introduced her as Mrs Last Name. She immediately looked at Doodle and told him her first name and continued to tell him it was Ok for him to call her that. I did not appreciate that :glare:. So, am I in the minority here?

 

We tend to be Mr/Mrs Last name, but it might be Mr/Mrs First Name depending on familiarity and/or the person's preference. But never without the Mr/Mrs.

[Renthead Mommy]

We use first names. I'm not your preschool teacher, so I don't want you calling me Miss Kelly. I'm not your teacher so don't call me by my last name. I'm just your neighbor, mom's friend, or your friend's mom.

 

My friends are all pretty much the same way. I never heard of the Miss thing (outside of preschools) until we moved south.

 

I have one family we are friends with and they do call us Miss Kelly and Dr. Dave. But they are so souther, you couldn't beat it out of them with a tire iron, so we've just gotten used to it.

 

The eldery neighbors here introduced themselves to my son as first name. We don't even know what their last names are. So they go by first name.

 

The kids in the neighborhood all refer to the other parents as first name.

 

As far as respect and positions of authority, I'm not their teacher or anything other than a friend/neighbor. I am not, and don't need to be, any sort of authority over them. And I think it's respectful to call people what they want to be called.

[Orthodox6]

I was raised always to address a non-relative adult with title and surname. I have raised my children to do the same. I strongly dislike the "fake intimacy" of "Hi, my name is Mopsy, and I'm your waitress tonight." and consider children/teens addressing adults by the given name as more of the same. I adhere to formal manners as a social belief and choice.

 

When we moved from Texas to the South (Alabama) for a ten year span, we immediately were thrust into the world of "Miss first name" and "Mr. first name" It felt and sounded very, very strange. I did adjust, though, because it was clear that respect was being shown to the adult.

 

If the "other adult" asks my children to use first name only, our family ways supercede the request. Even with my parents, who wanted our dc to call them by first name. I told them that I did not want to deprive them (dc) of the loving use of "Grandma" and "Grandpa" by substituting the comparatively colder use of first names. They understood, and yielded.

 

My soon-to-be daughter-in-law addresses me as "Mrs. ____", even though she is 20. (She, too, was raised that way.) I'm pondering what name what she should switch over to, come late August !

Edited April 10, 2010 by Orthodox6

[Doodle]

Thanks for all the responses. It is nice to know I'm not alone.

 

For those who feel that adults should be address as they desire, what about the adult who is the parent of a young child? Where do my wishes for my young child factor in? When using someone's last name it is after all their last name. Not some made up name. I guess what bugged me about the woman who looked at my son directly and told him it was OK for him to call her "First Name", is that I had just introduced her as "Mrs Last Name". Again, Doodle is young and I am his mother. I'm sure she would not have like me instructing her child on what he was and was not allowed to do.

[Melinda in VT]

Thanks for all the responses. It is nice to know I'm not alone.

 

For those who feel that adults should be address as they desire, what about the adult who is the parent of a young child? Where do my wishes for my young child factor in? When using someone's last name it is after all their last name. Not some made up name. I guess what bugged me about the woman who looked at my son directly and told him it was OK for him to call her "First Name", is that I had just introduced her as "Mrs Last Name". Again, Doodle is young and I am his mother. I'm sure she would not have like me instructing her child on what he was and was not allowed to do.

 

Frankly, I don't think your wishes for your child factor in at all in this situation. Why should they? In what way is your child being harmed by addressing someone the way the person wants to be addressed? :confused:

 

And it's not rude to tell someone to call you by your first name. That's how it's done. The initial introduction is made using the full name or the title and name, and then the person has the right to extend the use of first names or not.

[Orthodox6]

Thanks for all the responses. It is nice to know I'm not alone.

 

For those who feel that adults should be address as they desire, what about the adult who is the parent of a young child? Where do my wishes for my young child factor in? When using someone's last name it is after all their last name. Not some made up name. I guess what bugged me about the woman who looked at my son directly and told him it was OK for him to call her "First Name", is that I had just introduced her as "Mrs Last Name". Again, Doodle is young and I am his mother. I'm sure she would not have like me instructing her child on what he was and was not allowed to do.

 

When that has happened to me, I have replied in a friendly tone of voice to the other adult (always a woman, for whatever reason that be) that we prefer for our children to use the surname. The topic always dropped there, without incident.

[8circles]

Frankly, I don't think your wishes for your child factor in at all in this situation. Why should they? In what way is your child being harmed by addressing someone the way the person wants to be addressed? :confused:

 

 

Because IMO it sets-up my child for a more casual/informal relationship with said adult. Which I may or may not approve of.

 

I have no problem with an adult allowing children to call them by their first name, but I've encountered many people who try to insist. That's rude.

 

I know that this isn't the majority (at least not here) but I've never understood how people are so uncomfortable being called by their last name - seems to be usually women who've taken their husbands name at marriage. I mean, I get it in theory - it's a new name that you've not had your whole life. But at some point you have to accept that it is your lastname & it shouldn't be a negative for people to call you that.

[Orthodox6]

May surprise you, but I don't disagree with any of your logic or thoughts.

 

Where we differ is that I support a family's right to instil manners in their children of the type chosen by the parents.

 

With regard to using a first name, I also am influenced by decades of friendship and acquaintance with people from other countries. Use of the first name, for many of these people, indicates a closeness offered by one to the other, and accepted by "the other". Nicknames are similar. For example, I won't address a Russian woman named "Irina" as "Ira" until/unless she indicates to me that our relationship has grown close enough for that. (I don't use the patronymic, save rarely ! I would use it abroad, but it is disregarded here in America, at least by the Russians whom I know.)

 

 

 

Frankly, I don't think your wishes for your child factor in at all in this situation. Why should they? In what way is your child being harmed by addressing someone the way the person wants to be addressed? :confused:

 

And it's not rude to tell someone to call you by your first name. That's how it's done. The initial introduction is made using the full name or the title and name, and then the person has the right to extend the use of first names or not.

[Melinda in VT]

Because IMO it sets-up my child for a more casual/informal relationship with said adult. Which I may or may not approve of.

 

Interesting. I don't think that's true here, because first names are the norm. I'll have to think about that some more.

 

 

I know that this isn't the majority (at least not here) but I've never understood how people are so uncomfortable being called by their last name - seems to be usually women who've taken their husbands name at marriage. I mean, I get it in theory - it's a new name that you've not had your whole life. But at some point you have to accept that it is your lastname & it shouldn't be a negative for people to call you that.

 

It is curious, isn't it? If I had known I would feel this way about my last name this far into my marriage (16 years), I don't think I would have changed names when I married. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a negative to be called it, but my self-identify is definitely tied to my first name. My last name continues to be a bit Other.

 

But I was very young when I married and didn't know this about myself yet.

[Melinda in VT]

Where we differ is that I support a family's right to instil manners in their children of the type chosen by the parents.

 

I agree with this, to a point.

 

Do you support a family's right to insist their kids call all adults by first name, regardless of an adult's wishes?

 

eta: Actually, support isn't the right word, really. I don't think anyone is suggesting the government steps in to control this.

[Orthodox6]

Really? What an odd way of looking at it.

 

Barb

 

When you have many friends from other countries/cultures, it quickly becomes understandable.

[Orthodox6]

Are we arguing now ? :)

 

 

I agree with this, to a point.

 

Do you support a family's right to insist their kids call all adults by first name, regardless of an adult's wishes?

 

eta: Actually, support isn't the right word, really. I don't think anyone is suggesting the government steps in to control this.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I agree with those that say that the person saying "you can call me first name" are offering a greater intimacy to your family. What you should consider is that by insistiong on your child calling them "Mrs/Mr Lastname", you are rejecting their offer of closeness.

 

I would see that as if I offered "Let's be friends!" and your response was "No. We are not that close." Which is fine, but then don't expect to BE friends with that family.

[8circles]

Really? What an odd way of looking at it.

 

Barb

 

Hmmm. Most of my friends have followed the trend of first names only for adults. When I've asked them about it the reasoning is that they think it removes the barrier between adults & children & they think it's a good thing that their kids are better able to become close with adults other than their parents. I suspect my reasoning is in large part my way of rejecting this idea - which I find more than a bit troubling.

 

I don't see it as odd at all.

[Melinda in VT]

Are we arguing now ? :)

 

Oh, dear. I hope not.

 

Certainly, I recognize that parents have the right to instill whatever kind of manners they want in their kids.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that I find it baffling that teaching a child to disregard the wishes of the person being addressed is considered good manners.

 

But perhaps you have similar feelings about what I teach my kids. ;)

 

And I'm guessing our life experiences have been very different in this regard. I grew up in a casual part of the country. I currently live in a casual part of the country. I work in a casual profession. I attend a casual church. (Although I actually would prefer more liturgy.)

 

If we were in the same community, I would find it slightly annoying that your kids insisted on calling me something other than what I prefer, but it wouldn't keep me from enjoying the time I spent with them or you. The address one uses is only one part of a relationship.

 

Apologies if I came across as argumentative. We disagree on this issue, but I don't want to imply it has more importance than it does.

[8circles]

I agree with those that say that the person saying "you can call me first name" are offering a greater intimacy to your family. What you should consider is that by insistiong on your child calling them "Mrs/Mr Lastname", you are rejecting their offer of closeness.

 

I would see that as if I offered "Let's be friends!" and your response was "No. We are not that close." Which is fine, but then don't expect to BE friends with that family.

 

I see what you are saying & don't necessarily disagree. I guess I would be puzzled as to why/how so many people would be offering close friendship with me or my children when we just met.

 

I do allow my children to call certain adults by there first name. It just isn't automatic because the other person wants it.

[Kari C in SC]

I am usually Miss Kari to the kids in our homeschool group. A few of them call me Aunt Kari because I take my niece and nephew with me on many outings. Some of the other kids got to feeling close enough to me to call me Aunt Kari like they do. I really don't mind either, but I would HATE Mrs. Last Name. I would rather just be called Kari over that. I always say Mrs. Last Name is my MIL.

[Kate in Arabia]

Over here it is very easy, all older ladies are FirstName Aunty and all older men are FirstName Uncle. If you don't know the first name, just aunty or uncle will do. It would be considered VERY rude for a child here to call an adult by a first name (unless it was a maid or driver.) In our house, we have a rule that ALL adults (including maids and drivers) are treated with the same respect - so everyone is Aunty and Uncle to my kids.

We follow dh's culture on this so we do the same. It is actually helpful also, when your kids don't know or don't remember an adult's name, they can call them "Aunty" or "Uncle" without a personal name attached.

 

I know many who treat "workers" as of almost a different "class" here, and it *really* bothers me. I have stressed with my kids that whether they are addressing dh's colleagues or our gardener or the street cleaner, they all must be afforded the same level of respect.

 

If an adult tells my children they wished to be addressed a certain way, then we go with that for that person. But our fallback is "aunty" and "uncle".

[Orthodox6]

Absolutely not offended over here ! I was just trying to signal that I thought we were done, as each of us had posted our respective thoughts. :)

 

As I tried to show with my posts about having many friends from other cultures, and about our experiences in Alabama, I truthfully can say that I understand about U.S. regional differences.

 

Sometimes it is a "grey zone". How's that ?! :001_smile:

 

 

 

Oh, dear. I hope not.

 

Certainly, I recognize that parents have the right to instill whatever kind of manners they want in their kids.

 

I guess what it comes down to is that I find it baffling that teaching a child to disregard the wishes of the person being addressed is considered good manners.

 

But perhaps you have similar feelings about what I teach my kids. ;)

 

And I'm guessing our life experiences have been very different in this regard. I grew up in a casual part of the country. I currently live in a casual part of the country. I work in a casual profession. I attend a casual church. (Although I actually would prefer more liturgy.)

 

If we were in the same community, I would find it slightly annoying that your kids insisted on calling me something other than what I prefer, but it wouldn't keep me from enjoying the time I spent with them or you. The address one uses is only one part of a relationship.

 

Apologies if I came across as argumentative. We disagree on this issue, but I don't want to imply it has more importance than it does.

[Kari C in SC]

Mr./Mrs. Lastname and sir/ma'am.

 

I think less is disrespectful. I loathe kids using my first name. That's for friends and while I love my kids friends - they aren't my friends.

 

When we were kids we used only Mr./Mrs. Lastname. You can still be close and friendly while giving respectful boundaries.

 

Now, see I consider my kids friends - my friends. We have a growing homeschool group and I am getting closer to each of the kids as each day passes by. I want them to feel comfortable with me. I love that they love Miss Kari/Aunt Kari!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Close friends allow my children to call them Miss/Mr first name or Aunt/Uncle first name. Non-close friends often insist that the kids call them by their first name only. And no, they aren't non-close friends because of their insistence! It just seems that it naturally happens that people who "get" our value on respect and honor of adults are the ones who become closer friends to our family, probably because they share other values that we have (though I've never tried to itemize them or anything).

 

What bothers me a bit is that often those acquaintances who insist on my kids calling them by their first name only don't even think to extend the courtesy of a choice regarding my name. Even if I introduce myself to their kids as Mrs. Soandso or Miss Jean, they instruct my kids to call them by my first name. It does bother me, but beyond making my choice plain when we first meet, I do not insist on my way as I feel like that would be rude. (Except if I'm teaching those kids, in that case, I feel like I have the right to insist).

[dansamy]

Mr/Ms Firstname or Lastname for acquaintances. Bro/Sis Firstname or Lastname for church "family". Sir/ma'am for anyone whose name they do not know.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I see what you are saying & don't necessarily disagree. I guess I would be puzzled as to why/how so many people would be offering close friendship with me or my children when we just met.

 

If I were the person in question, the first name thing would not be an offer of CLOSE friendship, it would just be an offer of friendship vs. acquaintance. We can be just acquaintances, but I don't consider an acquaintance a friend.

 

People who call me something that makes me uncomfortable would never be more than an acquaintance, you know? Being around them would make me uncomfortable, and if you feel uncomfortable making ME comfortable, then it just isn't going to work. A Mr/Mrs Lastname person would probably always feel uncomfortable around me, too. Someone is going to feel uncomfortable always because there is such a disparity in the level of casualness to the relationship. (By the way, this is a generic "you", not you personally. We can be friends. As long as you call me Heather : )

 

I kind of think of it as a litmus test to see whether our families can be more than acquaintances.

 

 

ETA: All this first name business is secondary to the "Ma'am, Sir" thing. We live in the South. Anyone more than 10 years older than my kids is Ma'am and Sir when addressed. For example:

 

Kid to adult friend: Hi, Kevin!

Kevin: Hello, kid. Did your baseball game go well?

Kid: No, sir. I never made a hit.

Kevin: Could you go get x from my car for me?

Kid: Yes, sir.

Edited April 10, 2010 by Old Dominion Heather

[ereks mom]

Also wanted to add that in my area it's generally expected for kids to say "ma'am" or "sir" when speaking to an adult. Parents almost always correct their kids when they forget.

 

Miss X: Are you having fun on your spring break?

Kid: Yes.

Mom (to kid, glaring): That's "Yes, 'MA'AM'."

Kid: Yes, ma'am.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Yes. Here, too. Ma'am and Sir are NOT optional!

[JustGin]

I believe a child should address an adult as Mr/Mrs Last Name. When a last name is not known, then Sir or Ma'am. "Respect your elders." Does this still exist? When Doodle and I attended a homeschool valentine party in February, I was surprised to hear the girls addressing the host mom by her first name. I do not approve of Miss/Mrs First Name either. Recently I introduce Doodle to another homeschool mom who we were meeting at the park for the first time. I had previously exchanged emailed with this woman and knew her full name. I introduced her as Mrs Last Name. She immediately looked at Doodle and told him her first name and continued to tell him it was Ok for him to call her that. I did not appreciate that :glare:. So, am I in the minority here?

 

From the get-go I have taught my children to use titles of respect for adults. For us the rule is, we use the most formal name unless the adult being addressed gives permission to personalize and even then, the least formal we go to, as a rule is Miss or Mr. First. This is our rule for people in general. We follow a cultural tradition based on my children's ethnicity of having honorary aunts, uncles and grandparents, so people whom we become close to, or who have a very special status in my children's lives get that title regardless of "real" family relationship. All relatives, real or not get the title of respect at all times. I will still pretend I don't know who my child is talking about if she says "Carrie" and is referring to Aunt Carrie, and I will continue to say "who" until the light comes on.

Oh, and anyone with an official title or position like a Pastor, or Police officer is Pastor (whichever he prefers, first or last) Officer last name, etc. Again, for us it's all about respect, and that means if an adult insists on being called by their first name, we try to negotiate to at least leaving the Miss or Mr on, but even that can be dropped if it makes the person uncomfortable.

 

Now that my children are teens, we've had to soften a bit in the area of young adults. Those who were teens when my children were younger and often babysat them or were the "big kids" to them and are now young adults still go by first name even though they are adults and my children aren't yet.

 

Lastly, when I was growing up, married people where ALWAYS either Mr or Mrs. last name, or Brother, Sister last name (in church). Unmarried adult ladies went by Miss last or first, but that seemed more flexible. If I had called my mom by her first name she would have knocked me across the room! ;)

Edited April 10, 2010 by JustGin
To add

[AndyJoy]

I grew up calling all adults Mr./Mrs./Miss LastName with just three exeptions. I always called my mom's best friend by her first name, and it just came naturally because of how close we were. Then there was a couple who we were friends with who CONSTANTLY pestered me to call them by their first names. This was very awkward for me, and I usually ended up just making eye contact with them and not using any name at all! I intend to raise my children the same way.

 

On the one hand, it makes sense to call people what they want to be called. On the other hand, I think adults should respect the decision of parents to have their children address adults in what they consider the more respectful way. It may seem like a double standard, but I think it is reasonable to bend to the will of the person with the higher standard. Thus, I think if you want to be called FirstName, but the child's parents prefer Mrs. LastName, just go with it. If you generally have your children use first names, but someone wants to be called Mrs. LastName, go with that too.

 

I think out of respect for the other family's values, the more restrictive way should be followed. I know various different families who don't watch movies, don't read Harry Potter, don't eat meat, don't "do" youth group, don't play video games, don't play with squirt guns, etc. While all of these things are allowed in my home, and I would never dream of telling their children, "We prefer to do this, so you should too." I think most people would respect wishes of the more restrictive parent in this issue. Why is it different when it comes to respecting the wishes of the more restrictive parent when it comes to names?

 

We recently had a party that was attended by three single men in their 20s, and a married man in his 50s and his 13-year-old son. While the dad was out of the room, the 13-year-old addressed one of the 20s men as Mr. LastName. The man laughed and teased the teen, saying, "Oh come on, Mr. LastName? I'm FirstName!" When the dad came back, the man turned to the dad and said mockingly, "E. called me 'Mr. LastName' instead of FirstName." The dad said, "Darn right he did! He's 13, not 25. You're an adult and he's a teen and we're raising him to make a distinction." The young man seemed to understand the viewpoint then. We told him that being around E. would be good practice for him, as we will be raising our children to do the same so he can get used to it now!

[hornblower]

When you have many friends from other countries/cultures, it quickly becomes understandable.

 

I am from a European culture where it is common to refer to people you don't know as Mr. Last Name, and then when you become friends, you're Mr. First Name, and after maybe another 10 years of knowing each other, and drinking together & looking after each other's kids, & giving each other rides, and helping each other move, you might ask each other to just call you by your first name. Maybe.

 

I UNDERSTAND it. I just don't agree with it. I don't live there anymore & I don't follow those rules.

 

And for those who don't understand why the person should choose what they're called, it's no different than when people insist on using a nickname for you or vice versa, using your full name when you go by a shortened version. Your name, your choice how you're addressed.

 

I think I've taught my kids that when in doubt, it's ok to ask "I'm sorry but I don't know what I should call you?" I'm going to ask them later.

 

Oh & I am never MRS. I don't respond to Mrs. anything at all. :D Ms. if you must, I'll even take a Miss, but not Mrs.

 

I do often call my dog Miss Daisy while training.......

 

 

 

"What am I to call you?" asked Anne. "Shall I always say Miss Cuthbert? Can I call you Aunt Marilla?"

 

"No; you'll call me just plain Marilla. I'm not used to being called Miss Cuthbert and it would make me nervous."

 

"It sounds awfully disrespectful to just say Marilla," protested Anne.

 

"I guess there'll be nothing disrespectful in it if you're careful to speak respectfully. Everybody, young and old, in Avonlea calls me Marilla except the minister. He says Miss Cuthbert - when he thinks of it."

 

"I'd love to call you Aunt Marilla," said Anne wistfully. "I've never had an aunt or any relation at all - not even a grandmother. It would make me feel as if I really belonged to you. Can't I call you Aunt Marilla?"

 

"No. I'm not your aunt and I don't believe in calling people names that don't belong to them."

 

"But we could imagine you were my aunt."

 

"I couldn't," said Marilla grimly.

 

 

[MamaSheep]

When I am introducing them to my children I call them Mr., Ms., Mrs., or Miss Lastname. I use Ms. unless I know the person well enough to know they have another preference, or can infer (to the best of my ability) a preference from the culture or context, or from what someone else who knows them better has called them. At church they are always Brother or Sister Lastname, because that is appropriate to our church culture. If the adult then asks my children to call them something else, I let them. I think part of respecting your elders is complying with their requested form of address. While I prefer more formal address from children to adults, I think it's disrespectful for a child to ignore the adult's preference. Case in point, one of my daughter's friends insists on calling my by my first name and it drives me nuts. She also likes to try telling me how to run my household at times, and I have to be quite "firm" in telling her that it's none of her eight-year-old business. She was over for dinner the other day and had the audacity to start assigning the seating arrangements. We had a little chat about who is in charge at my house. She's actually a good kid for the most part, good morals, doesn't lie, cheat, steal, pick on other kids, encourage dd to do anything inappropriate--she just has this tendency to assume she's in charge. Her mom's been sick for a long time, though, and I think that's a contributing factor.

 

Anyway. Now I'm just rambling...lol...

[8circles]

If I were the person in question, the first name thing would not be an offer of CLOSE friendship, it would just be an offer of friendship vs. acquaintance. We can be just acquaintances, but I don't consider an acquaintance a friend.

 

 

 

I guess I don't understand why we (generic we) couldn't be friends if my children call you Mrs lastname. I wouldn't be calling you that, I'd be calling you whatever you wanted me to. My children wouldn't be your (generic you)friends, by my choice, unless we became really close friends & it would be my choice as well as yours.

[secular_mom]

My POV, I see telling children that they must refer to their 'elders' as Mr./Mrs./Ms./Ma'am/Sir as a way of telling children they are inferior to adults. And, IMO, children are in no way inferior. They are people, just the same as other people. They deserve the same amount of respect as older people. They may not have the life experience yet, obviously, but they are still very much human and unless a human gives other humans a good reason to disrespect them, we all are due the same respect regardless of age. But, I'm probably about the only one who feels this way.

[EmilyK]

I teach my kids to call adults (and anyone, really) what the adult wants to be called.

 

At the elementary school, all the classroom teachers go by their first names only. The special teachers (art, French, music, and PE) are a mixed bag. Some go by Mrs. Lastname. One goes by first name. One goes by Ms. Firstname.

 

At the middle school (and high school), all the teachers I've encountered go by Mrs./Mr. Last Name.

 

When I introduce my kids to an adult, I give my kids the adult's full name. They use Mrs./Mr. unless told otherwise, but most adults around here go by first name only in social situations.

 

I would agree with this, only in this part of the country (or at least our city) it is so rare for an adult (other than an older kids' teacher) to go by Mrs. last name that we usually go with the first name. I really don't know any one here my age (40s) that wants kids to call them Mrs X. In my case, it would have to be Ms. anyway since I don't use my husband's last name (though I'm fine with it if that's what others assume). I do try to start with the last name if it is someone a generation older than me.

[Doubleblessings]

We are in Georgia. Mine usually say Mr or Mrs/Miss First Name unless it is someone of their grandparents generation (or someone that I use a last name) then Mr or Mrs Last Name. There are some that prefer just First Name or Mr/Mrs Last Name and we try to encourage our children to use the prefered name.

 

We are not sticklers about it, but model what is considered polite here.

[Mrs Mungo]

If I were the person in question, the first name thing would not be an offer of CLOSE friendship, it would just be an offer of friendship vs. acquaintance. We can be just acquaintances, but I don't consider an acquaintance a friend.

 

I agree.

 

Again, part of the reason for this might be peculiar to the military community (although, I don't think it is and I'll explain why in a bit).

 

Part of the problem? In situations where you just have spouses and kids, it's better to keep things egalitarian. I don't always *want* the people there to be constantly reminded of who my husband is. It sets up an artificial barrier. If people there know who my husband is, they will often then insist on calling me Mrs. Lastname.

 

If a husband is a pastor, a teacher, the mayor or someone else in a position of authority, being called Mrs. Lastname constantly reminds others (or lets others know, who might not know) who the husband is. That may be the reason some adults insist on Miss Firstname, they don't always want the constant reminder of who their husband is, because some people are not going to be comfortable with that. You are forcing a barrier *not just* between your children and the person, but with *other people* and that person.

 

I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, but I'll try for an example. When introducing a general's wife to a group of wives I might say (just an example) "Sue, I'd like you to meet Gail, Barb and Patty." If in the midst of the chit-chat they might ask "what does your husband do, Sue?" Maybe Sue wants them to know, then she'll say "he's the commander, I'm General Lastname's wife." But, maybe she doesn't want them to know and she'll say "oh, he works in headquarters." It puts the ball in her court. If I insisted that my children call her Mrs. Lastname (when she didn't want me to), I'd be taking the ball out of her court and that's not really okay.

 

I can see the same being true of a minister or other people who might have people throw up barriers around them.

 

So, while I think this is part of the reason the culture of Miss/Mister Firstname is so common in the military, I don't think the reasons behind it are exclusive to the military.

[8circles]

I agree.

 

Again, part of the reason for this might be peculiar to the military community (although, I don't think it is and I'll explain why in a bit).

 

Part of the problem? In situations where you just have spouses and kids, it's better to keep things egalitarian. I don't always *want* the people there to be constantly reminded of who my husband is. It sets up an artificial barrier. If people there know who my husband is, they will often then insist on calling me Mrs. Lastname.

 

If a husband is a pastor, a teacher, the mayor or someone else in a position of authority, being called Mrs. Lastname constantly reminds others (or lets others know, who might not know) who the husband is. That may be the reason some adults insist on Miss Firstname, they don't always want the constant reminder of who their husband is, because some people are not going to be comfortable with that. You are forcing a barrier *not just* between your children and the person, but with *other people* and that person.

 

I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, but I'll try for an example. When introducing a general's wife to a group of wives I might say (just an example) "Sue, I'd like you to meet Gail, Barb and Patty." If in the midst of the chit-chat they might ask "what does your husband do, Sue?" Maybe Sue wants them to know, then she'll say "he's the commander, I'm General Lastname's wife." But, maybe she doesn't want them to know and she'll say "oh, he works in headquarters." It puts the ball in her court. If I insisted that my children call her Mrs. Lastname (when she didn't want me to), I'd be taking the ball out of her court and that's not really okay.

 

I can see the same being true of a minister or other people who might have people throw up barriers around them.

 

So, while I think this is part of the reason the culture of Miss/Mister Firstname is so common in the military, I don't think the reasons behind it are exclusive to the military.

 

Thanks for this example. This I totally get. If I was aware of this being the situation then I would be much more willing to go the firstname route with my children. This hadn't occurred to me before so now I know to look out for this possible situation.

[Barb_]

When you have many friends from other countries/cultures, it quickly becomes understandable.

 

I understand that other cultures will look at this differently. But we are talking about following the conventions of the culture you are currently living in. Insisting that others call you a certain name because of your culture is perfectly understandable and acceptable. What I couldn't understand (and still cannot) is the feeling that you have the right to dictate what your child calls others. If someone did that to me, I wouldn't make an issue of it because that would be rude and would make the child feel uncomfortable. However, I would feel embarrassed and somewhat judged for my preferences. I can't see how this could be done in a way that wasn't slightly antagonistic.

 

Barb

[Barb_]

I agree with those that say that the person saying "you can call me first name" are offering a greater intimacy to your family. What you should consider is that by insistiong on your child calling them "Mrs/Mr Lastname", you are rejecting their offer of closeness.

 

I would see that as if I offered "Let's be friends!" and your response was "No. We are not that close." Which is fine, but then don't expect to BE friends with that family.

 

Heather, I should have read this first. This was the point I was trying to make above.

 

Barb

[Orthodox6]

I understand that other cultures will look at this differently. But we are talking about following the conventions of the culture you are currently living in. Insisting that others call you a certain name because of your culture is perfectly understandable and acceptable. What I couldn't understand (and still cannot) is the feeling that you have the right to dictate what your child calls others. If someone did that to me, I wouldn't make an issue of it because that would be rude and would make the child feel uncomfortable. However, I would feel embarrassed and somewhat judged for my preferences. I can't see how this could be done in a way that wasn't slightly antagonistic.

 

Barb

 

:confused: I am my children's mother ! When they become adults, they will set their own guidelines for their own behaviour.

Edited April 10, 2010 by Orthodox6

[Natalieclare]

Haven't read any posts yet...

 

Our family has our children call adults by whatever the adult prefers to be called. In our view, using a title is meant to be an honor, but if the recipient doesn't view it as such then the intent is wasted. Some people in our neck of the woods *really* object to being called Ms or Mr So and So. ("That's my MIL!" I often hear). When I have a child meeting a new adult, I always ask, "What do you prefer to be called?"

 

Off to read the posts now...

[Barb_]

My POV, I see telling children that they must refer to their 'elders' as Mr./Mrs./Ms./Ma'am/Sir as a way of telling children they are inferior to adults. And, IMO, children are in no way inferior. They are people, just the same as other people. They deserve the same amount of respect as older people. They may not have the life experience yet, obviously, but they are still very much human and unless a human gives other humans a good reason to disrespect them, we all are due the same respect regardless of age. But, I'm probably about the only one who feels this way.

 

Interestingly enough, the school my older kids attend feels the same way. Teachers and students are all called by their last names in the British fashion. The teachers are Mr. Clark and Ms. Block and the students are addressed as Miss Smith or Mr. Jones. The kids rise to the level of respect they are shown.

 

Barb

[Barb_]

:confused: I am my children's mother ! When they become adults, they will set their own guidelines for their own behaviour.

 

Sure, that's your prerogative. I'm not arguing otherwise. However I am saying that you may unwittingly offend or make others uncomfortable. If that's okay, then what can I say?

 

Barb

[nukeswife]

We do Mr. or Ms. First name because that's the norm here for friends that are adults. I'm fine with it. When it comes to my dh's shipmates we use their rank and last name. The one thing that I really had to get used to was in dh's family. In mine even though I'm 35 and have Aunts/Uncles that are only 4-10 years older than me I always called them Aunt or Uncle first name. I still do. In my dh's family only my husband did this and it's taken a lot to get my BIL/SIL's to allow my dc to call them with the title Aunt or Uncle. It used to just make my skin crawl to hear my dh's young cousins (5/6 year olds) call his dad just plain Steve, and not Uncle Steve.

[stripe]

My kids tend to call friends of the family or other personal acquaintances Auntie or Uncle so-and-so, or another similar title depending on the language/culture of the person. Many couples we know have different last names and it would be a bit much to keep track of that for kids my age, in my opinion. I don't even know everyone's last name, like some of the kids in my neighborhood, honestly. If someone clearly demonstrates a preference, I respect it -- for example my kids' nurse practitioner refers to herself as Miss (first name), so they call her that. I dislike doctors who call themselves Dr. Jane or whatever; we went to one for a brief while and that was something that irritated me about them. I'd rather call someone by their first name OR title + last name. It seems a bit too weird otherwise, reminds me of "Driving Miss Daisy" type of old style black servant expectations. We're either buddies or you're my superior. Or something. Relatedly, I think it's obnoxious that doctors' office staff refer to my grandma by her first name. I think she should be referred to by Mrs. ---. I think my conclusion is that I'm inconsistent.

[Susan in TN]

We have our kids call adults "Mr./Mrs.". We haven't yet run into the issue of people contradicting this, although if it happened, I would probably tell my child later on that they need to call them "Mr./Mrs" because that's what our family does, and that seems to be generally accepted in our area. There is a small part of me that thinks it's rude for another adult to insist that a child go against what their own parents have taught them, although they would have to find out what is acceptable from the parent first, so that may get too complicated for some.

 

FWIW, when/where I grew up, this was not common. We called our friend's parents (and adults in general) by their first names. However, I probably would have preferred to have some kind of "rule" set up so I wouldn't have felt so awkward addressing adults when I was young. Once when I addressed an adult as "Mr. Goodrich" another adult made a tongue-in-cheek comment about how "polite" I was. I felt embarrassed.

 

If anyone addressed or answered an adult with "Sir/Ma'am" it was assumed you were being a "Smart A.." and was not acceptable. Living in the South, now, we find it hard to adjust because many adults find it horribly rude NOT to be addressed as "Sir/Ma'am".

 

We do try to make sure our children are properly respectful, in manner as well as in terminology. :001_smile:

Edited April 10, 2010 by Susan in TN

[Orthodox6]

Sure, that's your prerogative. I'm not arguing otherwise. However I am saying that you may unwittingly offend or make others uncomfortable. If that's okay, then what can I say?

 

Barb

 

The paragraph has grown too long. . . As you back me into a corner, I suppose that I can say only that it is as reasonably "ok" in one direction as it is "ok" in the other direction. (You have overlooked that perhaps the other adult offends me ! :)) If, on the other hand, you are thinking that I should raise my children as if they were my age-peers, then we just are in different parenting schools of thought. There are many assorted life philosophies represented on this board. Since we are not talking in person, which would be easier and more fruitful, perhaps we just are communicating on skew lines.

[joannqn]

I believe a child should address an adult as Mr/Mrs Last Name. When a last name is not known, then Sir or Ma'am. "Respect your elders." Does this still exist? When Doodle and I attended a homeschool valentine party in February, I was surprised to hear the girls addressing the host mom by her first name. I do not approve of Miss/Mrs First Name either. Recently I introduce Doodle to another homeschool mom who we were meeting at the park for the first time. I had previously exchanged emailed with this woman and knew her full name. I introduced her as Mrs Last Name. She immediately looked at Doodle and told him her first name and continued to tell him it was Ok for him to call her that. I did not appreciate that :glare:. So, am I in the minority here?

 

 

All of our friends are fine with kids calling them by their first name, so that's what we do.

 

You didn't appreciate the mom expressing to your son what she preferred to be called but what if she doesn't appreciate you insisting that he call her by her formal title? Is it polite to call someone something other than what they prefer? I personally HATE being called Mrs. anything, first or last name. I'm just JoAnn, thank you.

Edited April 10, 2010 by joannqn