VENT: Do You Ever Just Want to Quit???

[AuntPol]

I have had it with my kids, especially my DD10

 

SHe thinks life should be: Sleep late, get up, dress in whatever expensive clothes she can get and eat sweets, watch Disney or Nickolodean all morning, eat some more junk, play Pop Tropica or other non-educational game all afternoon until friends get home from school. Then play with friends until too dark and then watch more tv. Oh, maybe read a book if it's easy and popular with her friends. Go shopping as often as possible.

 

She hates every single subject. Her idea of school would be watch cyberchase, liberty kids, and read Percy Jackson and call it a day. Everything else is not fun and she can't be bothered so she puts forth as little effort as possible. She reads, she narrates, and she forgets. If she can find a way to cheat or get by, she will. Oh and never do now what you can put off for later. And when later comes, complain.

 

She wanted to homeschool when I was homeschooling her brother because she thought she was missing out on the cool stuff we did. Now we do cool stuff with her too. We go on field trips often. We joined the Co-Op classes so she could do it. We had her in horseback riding lessons which she begged for. I started an Odyssey of Mind group for her. We were away from home way more this year with her than last year.

 

Now we don't get to do as much "fun" stuff during school as I would like because we run out of time do to them either goofing off or fighting. Also both don't want to do the fun stuff. They don't want to play a math game unless it is "required" AND gets them out of doing the worksheets. if they have to do both, then why bother. They just want to do the workbook to get it over with. They don't want to do extra hands on stuff because it adds to the day. They want to do as little as possible so they can play video games, socialize, and watch tv.

 

So now DD wants to go back to school. She thinks it would be easier. It's a little late now because magnet application time is passed and we would have to put her in the base school. That school is the worst of the gang schools in our district. I also know it's a "grass is greener" thing. She is this way with everything. She quit Scouts because it was boring and then the troop did something fun and so she started back this year and it's boring. I put her in a musical theatre class, she loved it at first but then practice is repetitive and now it's boring and her teacher is unreasonable in her eyes. She begs for camps or classes and then they are boring. Unless she is the center of the universe it's boring. If she has to put forth effort, it's boring and "too hard". Nothing ever makes her happy for long.

 

Anyway, I just can't seem to get it through her head that she has to apply herself. She wants all the glamour without any of the work. I can't seem to get to understand that the collage application is not going to ask how many times she saw her friends, what Disney shows she watched and where she shopped, kwim? Even when I point out how these things will help her reach her goals, no interest. She will be the exception.

 

I'm tired. I'm tired of teaching and teaching and then asking her a question and getting a blank stare. I'm tired of taking her to pick out curriculum and buying her stuff for school and then her not wanting to do it. I'm tired of the complaints, the arguing, the sighing, the "I don't know", the bare minimum effort, etc.

[MamaSheep]

Yes. Sometimes I want to quit. Just the other day, when ds "went on strike" and was being...ahem...extremely unpleasant to me all day...I told dh that if he's going to be that way I see no point in doing this. He can go down to the school and roll around on the floor in the "quiet room" in the office and yell at the school psychologist, and I can drag him in there every day and tell the principal the boy is HIS problem for six hours, and I'm going to go have a life. Those people get PAID to deal with kids like him. We can go sit in the conference room and frown, and look concerned, and nod, and sign the behavioral plans and IEP plans and let them put him in the "behavioral unit" with the really scary kids, and then we can go home and do something productive while they deal with his nonsense. If he's going to just scream at people and refuse to participate, he can do that down there just as well as he can here. And I do dimly remember that I had other plans for my life once upon a time, before I decided to beard the beast in its den.

 

So yep, I do sometimes feel like quitting. Of course, then I remember what life was really like for us before homeschool, and I change my mind. And just about the time I'm really ready to break, he gets over his attitude and goes back to being his cheerful, moderately cooperative self, and life goes on.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling. I have no advice for you, just hugs. :grouphug:

[sleepymommy]

:grouphug:

 

I feel like quitting at times (once a week!) too. I get all misty eyed when I read posts about how other kids love to learn and just can't get enough of it. While I sit here and struggle for just 5 minutes of ds1's attention.

 

It's certainly a challenge and at those moments I try to think about why we started homeschooling in the first place.

[5forMe]

One very early lesson our kids learn is that when they sign up for something they have to see it through. We make this very clear to them so that they understand before signing up, they are making a commitment.

 

I realize that childhood is the time for trying new things, sports, dance, music lessons, etc. But if I pay for a "session" of something...whether it is 2 weeks or 6 weeks, we are going to see it through. If we sign up for scouts, or 4H we are going to see it through at least the first year.

 

For instance, in your situation, I wouldn't have let her join the scouts again, just because they did something fun. Once she made the decision to quit, I would've explained that, that means we are not going back. She is old enough to understand what quitting means and I would've made her stick to it.

 

I have had my kids signed up for lessons (swimming and music come to mind) and the timing wasn't right for them. I had to revisit it in a year or so, after they had time to grow. But as far as them telling me that they want to quit, and then go back....no way!

 

Maybe you could take a break for a bit and then explain the rules to her. You are the adult you make the decisions. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. I would be very clear to her that she has responsibilities wherever she schools.

[AuntPol]

LOL Mamasheep -that is what I dealt with w/DS before homeschooling. He is not that bad to homeschool as overall he loves to learn.

 

DD though was always a teacher's pet in school. She is very smart and it was very easy for her to "get by" doing very little work and look like a genius. She was in 4th grade and in gifted classes and still did very little and was way behind when I assessed her coming out. She in fact dropped from 99% to 67% in one school year because the teacher didn't require her to do ANYTHING.

[Lolly]

Want to quit? About once a week.

 

Do it? Only occasionally. Then, we pack up and take a break away from the hosue.:D

[Georgiana Daniels]

I totally get where you're coming from!

 

That was me yesterday. SO tired of dragging daughter through the lessons (well, everything but reading.) It's exhausting! Anyhoo, after our long, drawn-out, I'd-rather-be-poked-in-the-eye talk, she actually worked nicely today.

 

Still, because of financial considerations, I might have to let go of hs'ing next year :001_unsure:

[Daisy]

Sure I feel like quitting at times, usually it is an indication of a character issue. Either in me or in the children. (And far more often in me since I just get tired of being "on duty".)

 

You know this, but I'm going to say it anyway, sending her to school won't solve these problems. I'd be seeing 10 years to life of manual labor in my child's future for the behaviors you described. Some how she has to learn there is more to life than leisure.

 

:grouphug:

[MamaSheep]

LOL Mamasheep -that is what I dealt with w/DS before homeschooling. He is not that bad to homeschool as overall he loves to learn.

 

DD though was always a teacher's pet in school. She is very smart and it was very easy for her to "get by" doing very little work and look like a genius. She was in 4th grade and in gifted classes and still did very little and was way behind when I assessed her coming out. She in fact dropped from 99% to 67% in one school year because the teacher didn't require her to do ANYTHING.

 

That's too funny. My dd is totally a teacher's pet. She's bright and funny and imaginative. Her teacher LOVED to have her in class because she had so much energy and enthusiasm and she liked to make other people happy too, and was really good at getting the other kids to happily do things like sit still and stand in line. Unfortunately, the teacher liked her so much that she had a hard time understanding why we thought it was a problem that our lovely, enthusiastic, energetic daughter who knew all the right answers in class was NOT LEARNING TO READ. And oh, she's much too smart to qualify for extra help with her reading. Um yeah. For heaven's sake let's not help out the smart kids.

 

She's fun to homeschool, though, for the most part. She gets a little petulant when I strap her to the chair, shine the bright lights in her face, shove bamboo shoots under her fingernails, and force her to (shudder) read. But she does it. And as she's getting better at it (now that she's decided maybe she actually CAN do it after all, if she points her eyeballs in the general direction of the words printed on the page for five minutes) she's finding that she actually does enjoy reading. Sometimes. As long as it's the right sort of book.

 

No, she's not the one that makes me want to run away to Brazil. Her brother does that. But even he is not so bad now as once he was. It's been years since he tried to stab me with his pencil. :)

 

[P.S. For those of you who are about to try to find out where I live and call CPS on me, no, of course I never resort to actual torture. I was exaggerating for effect. The bit about ds trying to stab me with a pencil is, however, true to life. He's been an adventure.]

[Aubrey]

I can tell you know this, but...going to school next yr isn't going to make your dd happy. She's going to be asking to come home...probably w/in the first 6 wks. And it also doesn't sound like you want to send her there, with the gang activity you mentioned.

 

My kids sometimes get to where they *expect* to get to play every day for hours on end. That's when I realize I need to change those expectations, lol.

 

I take away the tv if it gets to be a problem, although we only have videos (& only w/ permission), so it's usually only a problem for 2yo who got to where she was whining for a movie all. day. long. every. day. And I mean in a closet, in the attic--completely out of sight/out of mind.

 

We don't do video games, partly because everyone we've ever known has had problems w/ their dc having attitudes because all they want to do is play video games. School is boring, books are boring, people are boring.

 

In the winter, we pack up our kids' summer clothes, so that we have room for the winter clothes, but also so that we don't have arguments about what to wear for that season. When dd6 was younger, we had to do the same thing w/ her "fancy" dresses, lol. Lately my kids are having a real issue w/ picking up their clothes, & I've been thinking about doing "prairie school"--you know, one outfit/person/week, plus a nightgown, plus Sunday clothes. When they learn to take care of those, they can have more. :001_smile: Unfortunately, that wouldn't stop ds1 from dumping the contents of all the drawers, lol.

 

I've noticed something ironic about kids. They think they want junk food, toys, infinite play time, etc. But when we give it to them, it makes them very unhappy. When we give them structure, education, chores--enough to make them *feel* responsible for something--they're much happier. They have a sense of pride in what they do. They enjoy their free time more. They *offer* to help more. It's more work for us on the front end but a lot less on the back.

 

I know you're tired, but...when she gets to be a teen...you're going to be wiped out.

 

:grouphug:

[novagirl]

OH good! I am not alone, I want to quit about once a week too!:001_smile:

[Garga]

I'm in the "take everything away" camp, like a few other posters mentioned.

 

First things first, however. The very first thing I'd work on is the relationship. I would speak gently to her and reconnect with her. Read "Hold on to your Kids" for ideas of how to do that.

 

Second, I would take away everything except school, books, and a few toys. No tv and no video games. I would have set times to play with friends, not every day. The more tv and video games my kids play, (and sometimes the more they play with other kids) the worse their attitudes get.

 

Exercise, if possible. If I don't have a lot of time to let the kids play (or the weather is weird), I'll have the boys run to the end of the block and then run back. Sometimes just a little run is a good thing.

[Mrs Mungo]

To answer the original question: almost every day, around 4:30. But I just watched SWB's naptime video. Maybe that would help everyone.

[Stacy in NJ]

No play time until work is done.

 

No T.V.

No computer

No video games

No playing with friends

 

until all school work is done and checked for quality every school day. Period.

 

Enforce that rule and make your life much easier.

 

Okay, I lied. Here are some other suggestions:

 

Have a set bedtime, and a time for getting up.

Make a checklist of subjects that need to be completed everyday.

Make a chore list.

Any activity commitments need to be completed before any other activity can be allowed.

[JVA]

It sounds like a LOT of structure and more spine (from Mom) is needed with this child. Would you say that she directs traffic at your house or do you and your dh? When kids have too much 'power' they tend to get narcissistic....ask me how I know! :>)

A quiet time for you and her to talk would be my first suggestion: you should lay out the expectations for her and tell her that from here on out, a better attitude is required. Kids need to be taught responsibility, gratitude and consequences. They don't always come programmed with that in them!

You're saying that she needs to be the 'center of the universe' is of concern and I'd grapple with that ASAP. Putting others ahead of herself, caring for a critter, helping with a younger child or some way to help her change her priorities is crucial here. If you're a Christian family, the Word is chock full of Jesus' example of helping/loving others first. I found these charts SO HELPFUL for my 5 kids: http://www.doorposts.com/details.aspx?id=91

I'm in the same camp as others who think she needs her priveleges limited. We've emptied out rooms and restricted TV/video games/computer time/legos/or anything else that is of interest to a particular child at a particular time. They got the message and had to EARN them back.

Parenting is not always fun and it sure isn't for sissies, is it? You're recognizing something that needs attention and I'm sure it will improve because you love her and want the best for her.:)

[Rosie_0801]

Where exactly does the money come from for all this shopping? My mother always said "if you want it badly enough, you'll clean the bath to earn the money." Funnily enough, nothing was that important :D

 

Rosie

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Mallorie]

It sounds like a LOT of structure and more spine (from Mom) is needed with this child.

 

 

ITA. I notice that boredom (amongst other issues) rarely comes with not having enough. It comes more often with getting too much.

[JennW in SoCal]

:grouphug:

 

I learned a great line from these boards, many years ago. "Life ain't fair and mama don't care!"

 

Even if I don't say it out loud, I have to say it to myself now and again when I'm killing myself to make my kids happy and loving school. I've never been able to pull off the tough love several here have recommended today -- I'm a wimp -- but I also figured out I do have to take control sometimes and BE the mom. So I tell them their attitude is unacceptable and take away things, limit tv and computer, make checklists and offer rewards for good behavior -- small rewards like renting a DVD for the weekend.

 

I also refocus what essentials I want to do to for school. You might want to take yourself out of the picture and have your dd do some workbooks independently so that you aren't dragging her through lessons and she isn't pushing your buttons by saying "I don't know".

 

It is hard to have to grow a thick skin -- we love our kids and want to do everything for them and they in turn can be such selfish and ungrateful little snots!! Just remember, when she rolls her eyes, when something is boring and stupid, think to yourself "Oh well. Life ain't fair and mama don't care". Say it out loud a few times. It is very empowering!

[TxMama]

Well....ah....no, I don't ever feel like quitting. But I'm not dealing with the attitudes and bad habits you are dealing with...

 

I'm not being snarky and I'm certainly not claiming to have the best behaved kids in the world. My kids would be more than pleased to have the opportunity to watch tv/ goof off/ eat junk/ and cop an attitude if given the chance. They just don't get that chance!

 

You have to be willing to make them earn the privileges and willing to take them away. Slept in.... no breakfast. Didn't do your school work.... no TV/ playing with friends today. Bad attitude.....lose privileges and stuff. You want to go shopping? Then earn some money!

 

As they get older the stakes get higher. It is much easier to turn this around with a 10yo then a 16 yo. At 10 you might be able to shake up her world by pulling the plug on media and friends. At 16 you will have to be willing to sell the car!

 

( and yes I did sell the car)

 

:grouphug:

[TracyR]

Its tough being a mom to girls. I know, I have four! LOL.

I agree, the t.v and friends need to be taken away. Then the expectation for shopping and clothes, well someone is shelling out the money and it isn't her.

If my girls want something they have to earn the money. I opened up a bank account for each of my daughters and they put whatever money they earn into the bank. I basically told them, " Welcome to the real world." She definitely needs to learn that not everything is going to be handed to her and in the real world if you want it you have to work for it. My girls do chores( taking out garbage, doing dishes , putting clothes away, scrubbing floors..etc) to earn it. When the get enough then they are more than welcome to get it. Otherwise they get what I buy them and they like it, or their only other option is to run around naked. LOL.

They live under my roof and I make the rules. I would let your daughter know that when she is 18 and out of the house she can talk to her friends all she wants, watch as much t.v as she wants and get all the expensive clothes she wants. But oops... if she is watching t.v to much and always talking with friends she might not have a job to get all those expensive clothes she wants either.

Age 10 is a good time to start taking on some responsibility and learning that life just 'ain't' fair and this is how it really works. Otherwise you are going to have a dependant child that will soak you of your life's savings until you die.

 

As for the school work , no friends, no t.v, no nothing until the school work gets done. Period. Tell it would be the same if she went to school. No homework done, well no friends or t.v till it gets done.

It definitely sounds like she doesn't have a clue as to what she wants and really at the age of 10 YOU are the boss and if keeping her home is the best thing then do it. She is just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that she isn't always going to get what she wants. Ugh, another life's lesson there, LIfe just isn't fair now is it?

 

Girls are a different breed I'll tell you. My 12 yr old likes to press my buttons every now and then.

I agree if your daughter quite Scouts then I would of never of let her back because of the behavior. Not everything is going to be 100% fun all of the time, nor is it always fun when she wants it to be fun. If you don't nip this in the bud soon life is going to be very miserable for you and your husband in the long run.

 

As much as I love my husband he very much has this attitude that people owe him and he seems to think the world revolves around him. But that was because his parents always gave into him and he never wanted for anything either. He and I are polar opposites when it comes to this. I grew up in a big family, and when I was older if I wanted something I had to earn the money to get it because my parents just couldn't afford it.

 

Being a mom to girls I have found that tough love has to be enforced. I have the respect of my daughters and I respect them. But they also have to learn that I'm not their friend and buddy . I am their mother first, friend last.

Edited April 8, 2010 by TracyR

[JulieJ]

 

 

My son went through the 9/10 yo attitude stage and I told him that it was my job to make sure he was ready for adult life. If he wasn't going to use his brain to get a desk job then I would have to make sure he was trained for physical labor (many very respectable and desirable jobs fall into that category). There was a lot of bathroom cleaning and floor scrubbing and yard work in his life for a while.

 

.

 

I hope you don't mind if I borrow this one! Awesome!

[kalanamak]

No play time until work is done.

 

Period.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Time for a palace revolution, IMO.

I have no games, no TV reception, and only educational DVDs. I took the opportunity I had moving to "halve it all", including all toys that do not fit neatly in his closet. I did it because we were reducing space, but I was very pleasantly surprised at the better attitude I have gotten from my son, which wasn't rotten to begin with. I am reminded of when a dog trainer told me a dog who knows you are boss is a happy dog. A dog who isn't sure is anxiously challenging you, and is not a happy dog. We have lost all most all the "I wants". He doesn't have the room for it, so it doesn't get brought home. Ahhhh, the peace.

[Hedgehogs4]

In my house this is the trigger for a little tough love. Life stops, tv goes away, friends and "free-time" are a distant memory...... boot-camp, mommy style.:glare:

 

A couple of times this has happened in our house. I have been known to take away the tv for months at a time and when dd was 5 yo I cleaned out her room save for 1 doll, 2 cars, 5 books and a small bucket of Lego. She cried for about 5 min. and then this relief came over her. Life was so simple when we took out all of the chaos.

 

My son went through the 9/10 yo attitude stage and I told him that it was my job to make sure he was ready for adult life. If he wasn't going to use his brain to get a desk job then I would have to make sure he was trained for physical labor (many very respectable and desirable jobs fall into that category). There was a lot of bathroom cleaning and floor scrubbing and yard work in his life for a while.

 

This was followed by the infamous "I don't have to teach the 6th grade if I don't want to and you are free to go to school down the street" lecture.

 

We are now entering the "life is unfair/ no one understands me" early teen stage but things have been generally very pleasant for a while.

 

:iagree:i was going to say, "sounds like it's time for a little discipline." whatever it is she wants, she has to earn, and earn with a good attitude. you have a day--knock off school, go on a mommy-daughter date, and lower the boom...DD daughter of mine whom i love and adore and sacrifice every blessed day for...if you are to be homeschooled (and you are) here's the low-down. if you want life to be pleasant, then...a / b / c...and be the mom. kids work best with boundaries. i haven't encountered this yet, but i'm the kind of mom that would have no problem taking the doors off the hinges of my kids' rooms and removing their stuff and making them earn it back so as to establish the pecking order. but that's just me.

[Tree House Academy]

The age of 10 has brought out the absolute worst in my son this year. Yes, there are times I want to march him over to the school and not look back. *sigh* I won't...but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it now and then.

 

Of course, his struggles are mouthiness and talking back. He is good with his school work and pretty diligent about finishing it without much complaining or even ehlp/prompting from me. I am lucky there, I guess. The talking back, goofing off, and mouthing are what get to me with him. I guess we all have our battles, huh?

 

*hugs*

[Mejane]

 

I learned a great line from these boards, many years ago. "Life ain't fair and mama don't care!"

 

 

 

I think I will have this tattooed on my forehead!

[Peela]

Too much media does tend to breed bad attitudes- you might want to put some limits on that.

 

I want to be the nice guy. I love those beautiful days when its all sweet and we get our workdone, or we do lovely educational outing, and everyone i happy. We have good conversations and I feel like a good mummy.

 

Then there's the rest of the time. The kdis dont want to do their work. They leave dirty dishes in the schoolroom. They have a stinking attitude. They whine and try to get out of lots of things. Ds spend months wanting to quit Souts- Iwould have let him but dh woulndt- and now ds is happy he didnt quit. He played an instrument for 5 years and wanted to quit- I just let him quit recently becase I was tired of nagging him to practice, but he is gifted musically and I am glad we hung in there for 5 years- its a goodfoundation.

 

You just have to be the tough guy sometimes too. I couldnt count the number of times ds has threatened that he wanted to go back to school because the work I give him is too hard. I couldnt count the number of times I changed curriculum because he didnt like what I was using for him. I couldnt cout the number of times I have let him off work because of his whining.

In the end, a lot of what I did was not to his benefit, let alone mine- it was only to keep the short term peace. I am not a pushover but I was too soft. Recently, I did tell him he could go back to school- I called his bluff- and he panicked. We worked out a system where he gets more say in his work, and is also more accountable. I do negotiate- but only up to a point.

 

Hang in there and do teh tough boundary setting work- and stick by your boundaries- and things shoudl get easier. You have to be willing to be the bad guy, to not be liked, to do what you know is best rather than keep the short term peace and give in.

Then, it does actually get more peaceful.

[AuntPol]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Our house is fairly structured. We school in set hours. I expect certain things. They have chores they have to do daily and if they don't do them, they don't play. If they sneak by me because I am busy, they get called right back to do them (game off/friends left outside until done). One of those chores is pet care. They do all the pet care (though I have to stand over them every day to make sure it's done).

 

She does a lot of community service. She is on two worship teams at church. She reads to toddlers and helps out with the special needs children. She is on the student leadership team at church and a real leader among her peers. We donate time to work at church and help clean up the community, etc. Right now, she is knitting hats and making teddy bears with matching hats to give to kids with cancer. This is was her idea. She will go over to other people's houses and help garden, clean the house, rake the leaves, etc. but ask her to do something at home and you would think that you asked her to chop off her arm.

 

My daughter "expects" to shop and thinks her life should be about shopping. However, she does not "get" to shop very often. I only buy what she needs. One of the biggest areas of contention between us is that I am a cheapskate. I don't believe in shopping for sake of shopping like many of her friends' mothers. She thinks she is deprived. Most of her clothes are Justice clothes but most of them came from Yard sales or were given as a gift at a gift-giving occasion. Even among her friends, she is not deprived. If ONE friend has something (texting, permission to wear a two piece, etc), then she is the ONLY one that doesn't have it. My biggest issue is that she doesn't let things go. If she wants something, she will let me know twenty times a day every day. She doesn't get most of the things she wants simply because she nags me to death and I refuse to give into nagging. I even ask her when did it ever work for her and she replies that it has never worked and never gotten her anything but me exploding in anger and yet she continues to do it!!!

 

She is only allowed to watch one Disney or Nickolodean show a day. HOwever, she will not turn it off. I have to monitor it every.single. day. She is not allowed to watch certain shows like Wizard of Waverly Place because of behavior of the characters.

 

I did let her quit Scouts. She finished the year and took a year off. She did not go back until the following year. I understood it. Her scout leader is not the type of scout leader that is best for my dd. However, having her in scouts is good as DS is in Scouts and DH leads Scouts on the same night. Next year, I will be her Scout leader. This year, Scouting finally clicked for her and she is working on a goal to get all the badges. She is actually driving me nuts because she has the badge book in my face all day long. She has been having badge activity play dates with the neighbors. (She isn't totally bad lol- I need to remember these things at the times I am frustrated as heck with her). Funny thing is, I was after her for years to do badges and she only did the ones with troops. I tried to schedule badge time in our school day and no interest. Then suddenly out of no where, she was all about badges. I have no idea what triggered it.

 

We are too lenient with the video games. If it were up to me, they'd be thown out or used with time limits. Same with TV. However, my husband is addicted and he comes home and turns on tv and sits on couch with laptop in his lap until he goes to bed (Fortunately, he's starting to break the habit and do other things). He won't enforce tv/video game time limits. He feels too sorry for our son who has no one to play with in the neighborhood (We have ALL girls and none want to play boy games with him and trying to get play dates for him is a major affair). So I get in a quandry. If I say no video games/tv until 4:00, then school drags out and they slow poke around. If I say video games after work is done, then they rush through work and then we fight for several hours while I have them redo sloppy work.

 

I try to involve my dd is picking what she likes as far as curriculum. I discuss how my goals and expectations. I show her how these subjects relate to her goals (she wants to be a vet or a dolphin trainer). I sat her down one day and showed her what all the elite prep schools are doing in her grade. I showed her the schedules in WTM. I try to incorporate her interests as much as possible. I coached an Odyssey of the Mind team for her. I got her the horseback and drama/dance lessons she wanted. We do Co-OP because of her. I have playdates scheduled for her quite often (so much easier to get playdates w/ girls than boys for some reason). One of her loves is Greek Mythology. I bought her The Lightning Thief as her book gift for Christmas 2008. She wouldn't read it (she read one chapter and said it was boring) until this year when the hoopla about the movie started and her friends started reading it. Now she loves the series. She loves horses. I bought the entire Beautiful Feet curriculum for horses (she wanted it). She read two chapters of the first book and decided it was boring. We have that relationship where if I recommend something, you can be guaranteed that she will not want it, like it, or do it. Her teacher (or friends). could recommend same thing and then it's the best thing since white bread. It's been that way since the first day of school in Kindergarten. On that day, mommy became an idiot in her eyes.

 

Ugh. I think my problem with my dd is that I know she is smart and capable and she was a teacher pleaser and especially loved her 3rd grade teacher (the one where she dropped so much from lack of teaching). She would have never treated her teacher the way she treats me. Now my son, would have lol. He hated school and loves homeschool. It's not his first choice of things he wants to do and I have to stand over him to do it because he's not responsible enough to do it on his own and is easily distracted but he's working okay. In fact, he is in 4th and she is in 5th but I tested both as 5th graders on the Iowa and he did WAY better than she did. Now don't get me wrong, he has days I want to kill him (He likes to tell me what he will or will not do, has zero organization genes, makes annoying noises, and talks nonstop all day long. We can't get through a read aloud without him interupting to ask a question and 90% of his discussions revolve around Weapons/LOTR/Star Wars/Video games topics that I just don't give an iota about)

 

 

I just get frustrated with my dd way more than I do him. Maybe it's a mother/daughter thing, maybe it's because he's an Aspie and I can excuse some of his irritating traits, or maybe because she is most like me or the fact that I came from a very, very poor household with a lot of abuse. I would have loved to have just a small iota of what she gets in opportunities. It drives me nuts to see a child that is beautiful (amazingly so), gifted in intelligence, naturally talented in almost every area (sports, arts, etc), and given tons of opportunity to use those gifts and she wants to squander it because everything is fun until it requires effort and you can discuss, read about, model perseverance/character until you are blue in the face but she knows better.

Edited April 8, 2010 by AuntPol

[5forMe]

Originally Posted by Cadam

 

 

My son went through the 9/10 yo attitude stage and I told him that it was my job to make sure he was ready for adult life. If he wasn't going to use his brain to get a desk job then I would have to make sure he was trained for physical labor (many very respectable and desirable jobs fall into that category). There was a lot of bathroom cleaning and floor scrubbing and yard work in his life for a while.

 

 

I hope you don't mind if I borrow this one! Awesome!

 

 

Me too!!

[Tree Frog]

We are too lenient with the video games. If it were up to me, they'd be thown out or used with time limits. Same with TV. However, my husband is addicted and he comes home and turns on tv and sits on couch with laptop in his lap until he goes to bed (Fortunately, he's starting to break the habit and do other things). He won't enforce tv/video game time limits. He feels too sorry for our son who has no one to play with in the neighborhood (We have ALL girls and none want to play boy games with him and trying to get play dates for him is a major affair). So I get in a quandry. If I say no video games/tv until 4:00, then school drags out and they slow poke around. If I say video games after work is done, then they rush through work and then we fight for several hours while I have them redo sloppy work.

 

We had this problem once, too. The way I corrected it was to explain that if they were called back to correct sloppy work, they were done with the tv for the day. If they did their work well (including good attitudes!), they got a reward (watching tv.) When they argued with me, I either sent them to their room for a long while or took away the tv the following day. I wouldn't argue or continue to explain why. I can remember one child who kept arguing and lost the privilege for a week. My dh also either plays on the computer or watches a lot of tv and it's difficult to enforce rules for the dc when dh isn't on board. The way I handle it is to make school time and the time before dh comes home the time I enforce my rules. When dh gets home, sometimes the rules have to change.

 

I try to involve my dd is picking what she likes as far as curriculum. I discuss how my goals and expectations. I show her how these subjects relate to her goals (she wants to be a vet or a dolphin trainer). I sat her down one day and showed her what all the elite prep schools are doing in her grade. I showed her the schedules in WTM. I try to incorporate her interests as much as possible. I coached an Odyssey of the Mind team for her. I got her the horseback and drama/dance lessons she wanted. We do Co-OP because of her. I have playdates scheduled for her quite often (so much easier to get playdates w/ girls than boys for some reason). One of her loves is Greek Mythology. I bought her The Lightning Thief as her book gift for Christmas 2008. She wouldn't read it (she read one chapter and said it was boring) until this year when the hoopla about the movie started and her friends started reading it. Now she loves the series. She loves horses. I bought the entire Beautiful Feet curriculum for horses (she wanted it). She read two chapters of the first book and decided it was boring. We have that relationship where if I recommend something, you can be guaranteed that she will not want it, like it, or do it. Her teacher (or friends). could recommend same thing and then it's the best thing since white bread. It's been that way since the first day of school in Kindergarten. On that day, mommy became an idiot in her eyes.

 

On the curriculum front, it seems there is a pattern. The two of you find a curriculum that might work and after a few weeks, she decides it's boring and wants to do something else. Perhaps before you purchase the next curriculum, you agree to try it for ____ weeks before giving up on it. I would suggest at least trying half of it. If she says it's boring, ask her what she'd do to make it more interesting. Explain that it's too expensive to keep trying new things and that this curriculum is what you both agreed with, so she's going to stay with it. However, if she sees something she'd like to do differently, either using the curriculum in a different way or supplementing it, you might consider allowing her to make those changes. However, I would stipulate that you need to know the changes ahead of time to approve of them and that she is the one who needs to do the prep for it. You are simply too busy to continue doing that for her. She is old enough and it sounds like she has the skills to be able to do something like this. The only caveat I would give is to explain to her that until she has your permission to make the changes, she will continue doing the curriculum as it was written. This is a privilege for her because she has so many capabilities; it isn't something to allow her to not do school.

 

She is very busy and seem to have many capabilities! I would encourage dd to keep pushing through things, even if it seems boring. Unfortunately, life isn't always exciting. The boring, less interesting work can make life more fascinating by providing more background to an interest.

 

Marcia

[TXMomof4]

 

I know you're tired, but...when she gets to be a teen...you're going to be wiped out.

 

:grouphug:

 

That does NOT make me feel better! :tongue_smilie:

[AuntPol]

II know you're tired, but...when she gets to be a teen...you're going to be wiped out.

 

:grouphug:

 

I know!

 

She makes me want to call my mother everyday and apologize.

[Aubrey]

That does NOT make me feel better! :tongue_smilie:

 

I only mean if the behavior isn't addressed before then. Teens *can* be wonderful.

[Wildiris]

Dear AuntPol,

Obviously you're not alone dealing with this type of situation--Been there felt that--I want to quit every other day too.

 

My DD is 12, and this behavior has been coming on for several years. while I do not have the fashion clothes issue, I do have the lazy, "I want to sleep until noon!" girl. I think I am going to call this stage Adolescent Fog.

 

Some days this strategy works and other days it fails, but I do talk to DD about goals and where she want to be five years from now. I also try to show her that everyone struggles with being responsible for their actions, over-coming procrastination, coping with the desire to be liked by others, and following through with agreement to others and to oneself.

 

I do well with this situation when I take the time to put myself in her shoes. I remember well how awkward this stage can be and how long it lasts. When my impatience takes hold the situation digresses. When I am actively compassionate life can be smoother.

 

 

[OnTheBrink]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

 

She does a lot of community service. She is on two worship teams at church. She reads to toddlers and helps out with the special needs children. She is on the student leadership team at church and a real leader among her peers. We donate time to work at church and help clean up the community, etc. Right now, she is knitting hats and making teddy bears with matching hats to give to kids with cancer. This is was her idea. She will go over to other people's houses and help garden, clean the house, rake the leaves, etc. but ask her to do something at home and you would think that you asked her to chop off her arm.

 

IMO, I'd not allow a child with such bad attitudes and disrespectful behavior to do ANYTHING charitable outside the home, especially lead in worship. In my church, for example, elders are removed from the board if their home life is different from their public persona. If my dd was being difficult at home, as a pattern of behavior (we all have bad days), then I'd remove her from public ministry opportunities until her heart is right. To me, it presents a phony reality if the child is well-behaved in public, but disobedient and disrespectful at home. If there are chores to be done at home, there is no way I'd let her go help others with their work first.

 

My daughter "expects" to shop and thinks her life should be about shopping. However, she does not "get" to shop very often. I only buy what she needs. One of the biggest areas of contention between us is that I am a cheapskate. I don't believe in shopping for sake of shopping like many of her friends' mothers. She thinks she is deprived. Most of her clothes are Justice clothes but most of them came from Yard sales or were given as a gift at a gift-giving occasion. Even among her friends, she is not deprived. If ONE friend has something (texting, permission to wear a two piece, etc), then she is the ONLY one that doesn't have it. My biggest issue is that she doesn't let things go. If she wants something, she will let me know twenty times a day every day. She doesn't get most of the things she wants simply because she nags me to death and I refuse to give into nagging. I even ask her when did it ever work for her and she replies that it has never worked and never gotten her anything but me exploding in anger and yet she continues to do it!!!

 

It's working for her in some way. Maybe not in the way she's hoping, but if she weren't getting something out of this behavior, she'd change it. And, I deal with the same things regarding texting, cell phones, etc. DD has none of those things, but is certain she's the only one on the planet without them. Sometimes I'll show dd pictures of what girls her age in other countries have (and don't have) to give her some perspective.

 

She is only allowed to watch one Disney or Nickolodean show a day. HOwever, she will not turn it off. I have to monitor it every.single. day. She is not allowed to watch certain shows like Wizard of Waverly Place because of behavior of the characters.

 

I banned Nick and Disney. At first, I did what you do, but I saw no improvement in attitude until the channels, and ultimately, the cable, were disconnected. Once the option of watching even one show was gone, her attitude improved drastically. We have netflix and I allow some shows, but the only sitcoms my dd can see are in black and white! Leave it to Beaver, Dick Van Dyke, etc. OH, the Brady Bunch is allowed, too. Shows where the kids are in charge, parents are idiots and it's cute and funny to be rude, disrespectful, sneaky or immoral are not allowed. At all.

 

 

We are too lenient with the video games. If it were up to me, they'd be thown out or used with time limits. Same with TV. However, my husband is addicted and he comes home and turns on tv and sits on couch with laptop in his lap until he goes to bed (Fortunately, he's starting to break the habit and do other things). He won't enforce tv/video game time limits. He feels too sorry for our son who has no one to play with in the neighborhood (We have ALL girls and none want to play boy games with him and trying to get play dates for him is a major affair). So I get in a quandry. If I say no video games/tv until 4:00, then school drags out and they slow poke around. If I say video games after work is done, then they rush through work and then we fight for several hours while I have them redo sloppy work.

 

Have you spoken with him and asked him to help you? Does he know what goes on when he's at work? Maybe if you explained to him how she's behaving and why, he'd be willing to make some sacrifices himself to enable you to get a better handle on the situation.

 

I try to involve my dd is picking what she likes as far as curriculum. I discuss how my goals and expectations. I show her how these subjects relate to her goals (she wants to be a vet or a dolphin trainer). I sat her down one day and showed her what all the elite prep schools are doing in her grade. I showed her the schedules in WTM. I try to incorporate her interests as much as possible. I coached an Odyssey of the Mind team for her. I got her the horseback and drama/dance lessons she wanted. We do Co-OP because of her. I have playdates scheduled for her quite often (so much easier to get playdates w/ girls than boys for some reason). One of her loves is Greek Mythology. I bought her The Lightning Thief as her book gift for Christmas 2008. She wouldn't read it (she read one chapter and said it was boring) until this year when the hoopla about the movie started and her friends started reading it. Now she loves the series. She loves horses. I bought the entire Beautiful Feet curriculum for horses (she wanted it). She read two chapters of the first book and decided it was boring. We have that relationship where if I recommend something, you can be guaranteed that she will not want it, like it, or do it. Her teacher (or friends). could recommend same thing and then it's the best thing since white bread. It's been that way since the first day of school in Kindergarten. On that day, mommy became an idiot in her eyes.

 

I think she's being given a little too much say in her curriculum. Again, jmo. But I know with my own dd that if I give her too many options or too much weight in the curriculum and schedule decisions, she feels she has the right to rebel if they aren't what she expected. I tell my dd she has to study X subjects. Period. I may let her look at a few of the programs I'm considering and get her input, but she knows that ultimately, I decide and she must do it, even if I go against her preference.

 

Ugh. I think my problem with my dd is that I know she is smart and capable and she was a teacher pleaser and especially loved her 3rd grade teacher (the one where she dropped so much from lack of teaching). She would have never treated her teacher the way she treats me. Now my son, would have lol. He hated school and loves homeschool. It's not his first choice of things he wants to do and I have to stand over him to do it because he's not responsible enough to do it on his own and is easily distracted but he's working okay. In fact, he is in 4th and she is in 5th but I tested both as 5th graders on the Iowa and he did WAY better than she did. Now don't get me wrong, he has days I want to kill him (He likes to tell me what he will or will not do, has zero organization genes, makes annoying noises, and talks nonstop all day long. We can't get through a read aloud without him interupting to ask a question and 90% of his discussions revolve around Weapons/LOTR/Star Wars/Video games topics that I just don't give an iota about)

 

 

I just get frustrated with my dd way more than I do him. Maybe it's a mother/daughter thing, maybe it's because he's an Aspie and I can excuse some of his irritating traits, or maybe because she is most like me or the fact that I came from a very, very poor household with a lot of abuse. I would have loved to have just a small iota of what she gets in opportunities. It drives me nuts to see a child that is beautiful (amazingly so), gifted in intelligence, naturally talented in almost every area (sports, arts, etc), and given tons of opportunity to use those gifts and she wants to squander it because everything is fun until it requires effort and you can discuss, read about, model perseverance/character until you are blue in the face but she knows better.

 

Something else I tell my dd is that if she wants fun, the work comes first. If the work isn't done on Tuesdays, she has to miss her riding lesson. If it's not finished on Thursdays, she has to take it to her father's house to complete. I kind of apply the biblical principle that if you don't work, you don't eat. Only instead of eat, it's fun. I think if you lay down the law and stay consistent with it, she'll comply better. Again, jmo, ymmv.

 

:001_smile:

[lisamarie]

Today after my 4 year old told me that she wasn't going to do school and to "make me" I was ready to send her to school in the fall and let it be the schools' problem. So ya, I have been ready to quit.

 

From my own life experience, I would suggest only letting your DD do one or two outside activities a year. The location for our parks and recs activities was just across the street from my house growing up so my parents COULD have let me take tons of classes in art, dance, gymnastics, etc. But they had a 1 sport/activity at at time policy. I hated it at the time, but looking back I can see that it was a good thing for helping me appreciate the things my parents did let me do. I have the same policy with my kids. They did fall and will do spring soccer, then over the summer we'll do swim lessons (that's not really in the same category because it's a safety issue that I consider an essential life skill).

 

You could also try making your DD work for the things she wants to do--you want to take horseback riding lessons? Sure! You will have to do chores around the house, chores at the stable, chores for neighbors, etc, to earn either part or all of the money needed for lessons. Then you will really find out what she is really interested in.

 

I think having too many choices may be the issue. My DS is the same way with "everything is boring." When I boxed up almost all their toys a few months ago, none of the kids even noticed. Which tells me a lot. I am thinking about boxing up even more of them and possibly asking the grandparents to not buy them birthday presents this year (or only 1 small thing each--with 4 sets of overindulgent grand/great grandparents, they end up with a TON of new things every birthday and Christmas).

 

I unplugged the cable for almost all of Lent because I was tired of the begging for TV. And the kids were so much better at coming up with games, playing together, making their own fun. The TV is back on and this week has been not so fun.:glare: I am thinking about permanently unplugging the cable. My DH is addicted to computer games and does not support my "no games" policy and lets the kids play games with him which I really hate. I may have to just sit down with him and tell him "no more." I'm the one who has to put up with their constant begging for computer games when he's not home.

[AuntPol]

Of course, after I vented on Wednesday, my daughter got up yesterday and made pancakes for everyone. She did her independent readings before school without being told and when I tested her on Latin (which we have slacked on and I expected her to do poorly, she aced it). She didn't complain about having to redo math problems that she messed up (typically, she will swear she wrote the right answer down lol0. We had tons of stimulating conversations. She was highly excited about her 4-H project. She went to her brother's baseball practice and particpated in the extremely tough exercises w/ mostly her best effort (except pushups which she worked hard at but did wrong).

 

Today though, she warned me that she is not in a good mood. I'm not either as I slept late and didn't get enough "me" time. So hopefully, we won't clash too bad.

 

I think the hardest thing for me is that she is like me a lot (drama queen, sensitive, smart as a kid) but she is not me (completely different interests and learning styles), if that makes sense. Plus she is not her brother (who has same interests as DH and I for most part and loves learning).

Edited April 9, 2010 by AuntPol

[Aubrey]

Of course, after I vented on Wednesday, my daughter got up yesterday and made pancakes for everyone. She did her independent readings before school without being told and when I tested her on Latin (which we have slacked on and I expected her to do poorly, she aced it). She didn't complain about having to redo math problems that she messed up (typically, she will swear she wrote the right answer down lol0. We had tons of stimulating conversations. She was highly excited about her 4-H project. She went to her brother's baseball practice and particpated in the extremely tough exercises w/ mostly her best effort (except pushups which she worked hard at but did wrong).

 

Today though, she warned me that she is not in a good mood. I'm not either as I slept late and didn't get enough "me" time. So hopefully, we won't clash too bad.

 

I think the hardest thing for me is that she is like me a lot (drama queen, sensitive, smart as a kid) but she is not me (completely different interests and learning styles), if that makes sense. Plus she is not her brother (who has same interests as DH and I for most part and loves learning).

 

:grouphug: You've been really brave to listen to all of our advice. I'm glad to hear y'all had a good day this week, & I hope you have more of those than the bad ones. :001_smile:

[AuntPol]

:grouphug: You've been really brave to listen to all of our advice. I'm glad to hear y'all had a good day this week, & I hope you have more of those than the bad ones. :001_smile:

 

It's been very good advice and perspective is always good. Sometimes you just have to know that you are "not the only one". Just like my daughter is not the only one without texting, I'm not the only one with a preteen daughter LOL.

 

I do know that I have to start doing more positive reinforcement with both kids. I KNOW they do better when I am positive and reaffirming but I tend to focus more on negatives. Definitely need some work on myself.

[Ruby]

I do know that I have to start doing more positive reinforcement with both kids. I KNOW they do better when I am positive and reaffirming but I tend to focus more on negatives. Definitely need some work on myself.

 

 

The whole time I read your post I was thinking this. My kids are crazy if I don't give them positive reinforcement. Even the silliest compliments (as long as they are sincere) make my children act like angels. If I get negative (which is a lot of the time) they just get worse and worse. Set some solid rules, expectations and rewards and then compliment them when they accomplish their task. And just my two cents on the curriculum..........nobody in school gets to pick and choose and send back the textbooks. You choose what's best with some imput from her and then you use what you have for the year unless it is seriously lacking from an educational standpoint. Good luck. Ruby

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I need to take some of the advice given here, too!

 

But, one thing I didn't see that I started doing about 5 months ago that has worked really well here:

 

Any complaints or whining about school work results in extra work. For example, she complains about too many math pages, I add another math book onto our stack of things to do for school for the day. After a few days of doing this (cheerfully, not getting angry, just adding things for complaints or whining), the whining went away! (You could add the word boring to your list.) My mom treated the word boring as a swear word and would send us outside to play or make us do chores if we said the word boring. I'm not that strict about the word, but if they get excessive with it will tell them that the next time they say it I will find some chores for them to do.

 

I will also do the reverse for some subjects--if she is working really hard and doing well, I will have her do less pages. For example, our Singapore math is normally 2 to 3 pages, she will only have to do 1 page if she works diligently and tries her best cheerfully.

 

She does like MCT and sometimes asks for a few more pages so she can get to a story, that has been a good addition here.