How to train children to sit for church?

[LibraryLover]

My point is just that sometimes you don't feel like doing what you ought to do. You get up and go and are soon glad that you did. Learning some self-control as a child is a good thing. Good habits learned early can serve you well later in life.

 

 

Oh, knowing that BIL, I am sure he was a very good little boy in church.

[Carol in Cal.]

I expected her to be quiet when others were quiet. I expected her to sing when others sang, if she could and if she knew the song. I expected her to stand with the rest, sit with the rest, listen with the rest. But sometimes she would walk around a little in the pew. I was fine with that as long as she didn't vocalize or start up the aisle.

 

I didn't want her to be quiet and still the whole time. The rest of us are not quiet and still the whole time! I wanted her to be engaged and participate, and not disrupt the parts that were supposed to be quiet. I was assisted in this by the fact that we have a lot of up and down in our liturgy, and also a lot of sung responses in addition to hymns. So, quite a bit, intermittently, the service is noisy. That makes it a lot easier to have a child present. The longest stretch of required quiet is the sermon, usually 20-25 minutes long. That is what I reserved my most faithful whispering and snacks for. Other than that, it was usually pretty easy to make it to the next outburst of organ music.

 

I do not smack my DD ever. Especially not for church! But when she went through a tough patch when she was 3, I used to take her outside and have her sit on a bench until she could behave. That's as bad is discipline ever got regarding church.

 

I can't stress enough how important it was to have the musical, liturgical service to help with this. DD sprang from the womb recognizing the Gloria Patri, and learned to sing it before she could talk very well. Being able to do something with the grownups is huge in getting children engaged in church. If you wait until they can read, you've lost 7 years of hearing God's word with the faithful. That's not OK with me.

[Jen500]

I don't always attend with a joyful and willing heart. :)

 

And a child could grow up and NOT attend. ;)

[Old Dominion Heather]

Either dh or I illustrate the sermon in stick figures and short phrases as WE take notes on the sermon for our 8yo. The 10yo sometimes follows along with that and sometimes takes his own notes. The 4yo stays with us until after the children's sermon and then goes out to children's church. This means he is with us, participating through the first 30-45 minutes. He is only out during the sermon and offering.

 

We just tailor the notes that we take on the sermon so that ds8 can understand the concepts and main points. It helps that our pastor researches the historical facts meticulously and my kids recognize events and civilizations and kings from SOTW.

 

Ds 10 takes impressive notes, and I consider it to be part of his school work, excellent training for the only type of teaching style he does not get at home: lecture. He needs o be able to list the main points and he compares his points with his dad's or mine. Not that we tell him he was wrong or anything, but if he only listed points and ideas from the first five minutes, then we discuss the parts he missed.

 

I expect ds 8 will take his own notes when he is about 10 as well. Ds4 sometimes stays with us and will do better when he can read the cartoon stick-figure notes that dh or I do.

 

None of the boys are allowed to have food, mints, candy, crayons, coloring books, or toys. They are not allowed to read other parts of the Bible either. That is just part of learning to pay attention and treat a speaker with courtesy. If they were in school, a teacher would not put up with a kid reading instead of listening, so I think of this mainly as a life skill.

[hsmom3tn]

My point is just that sometimes you don't feel like doing what you ought to do. You get up and go and are soon glad that you did. Learning some self-control as a child is a good thing. Good habits learned early can serve you well later in life.

 

 

:iagree:

[Jugglin'5]

And a child could grow up and NOT attend. ;)

 

True, but ultimately I don't think this has anything to do with whether they grew up sitting through the service. You can find anecdotal evidence both ways. There are plenty of children who leave the church who grew up with special "fun" children's services, etc. My dh comes from at least a four generation long line of men who were there every time the church door opened. Me? I grew up in a more "don't force it, fun" atmosphere. I quit going in high school and college. I didn't return until after I met my dh.

[Joanne]

My point is just that sometimes you don't feel like doing what you ought to do. You get up and go and are soon glad that you did. Learning some self-control as a child is a good thing. Good habits learned early can serve you well later in life.

 

ETA: Lest i leave the impression that church is all about duty and habit for us' date=' I want to clarify something. My children are usually very enthusiastic about going to church, because it is the best day of the week for them: no work, no school; they get to see all their friends, sing, partake in communion and a great lunch after the service; the boys play football, the girls do all sorts of things together, sometimes dancing or playing soccer with the boys, or gathering around the piano and singing. The sermon may not be their favorite part, but it isn't always mine either, lol.[/quote']

 

About your first paragraph; I agree. But I don't apply that reality to every circumstance. I think "good habits" are fine, and needed and something I wholeheartedly agree with Charlotte Mason about.

 

However, it's also true that you can "train" and "demand" and "expect" during those years when they fidget, talk, squirm OR you can wait. They'll still have the same developmental needs/concerns and will still have the same physiological and psychological ability to easily have "church behavior" at the same age if you trained them or took a less rigid approach.

[CAMom]

Im betting the kids who sit are either naturally relatively compliant or they get smacked a lot.

 

Uh...no.:lol: My older two children were very naturally compliant. The 4 1/2 year old? Not compliant at. all. :lol: And, he does not "get smacked a lot.":glare:

 

We've just worked with him. We go to a church where the children are welcomed in to the service. We all expect noise from the little ones. All of the parents are teaching their kids to be involved in the service.

 

We go to a Presbyterian church which is liturgical so it follows the same pattern every week. My little guy says the Apostles' Creed while standing with the rest of the congregation. He recites the Lord's prayer when it's time. He's becoming familiar with a few of the hymns and can sing the Gloria Patri and the threefold amen at the end of the service. So, he's an active participant.

 

During the sermon he sometimes draws on his magnadoodle; sometimes not.

 

Not compliant and definitely not smacked!

[Terabith]

Well, I'm not great at this, and my kids are not even all that still and quiet in church, but I do feel that they need to be there, and they have been, since infancy.

 

I expect them to stand/ sit/ kneel when the adults do, generally. I let them draw with pencils or read a children's Bible. I ask them to participate in the liturgy to the ability they can. A liturgical service helps. They say the Creed and the Lord's Prayer with the adults, and my oldest is now a good enough reader that she can follow along with more of the liturgy and sing some of the hymns.

 

My general goal is for them not to distract others and to get something from it. We sit on the very front row, and I do a lot of whispering. It actually drives my husband nuts. "Look at the altar. What color are we using today? Why is that? Listen to the Bible story; they are reading the story about Noah/ Jesus healing the blind man/ etc. Watch, can you see when the pastor does the epiclesis?" I try to read them the lectionary readings beforehand.

 

I probably let too much slide in church, behavior wise. I'm not a very good disciplinarian in general. But this Holy Week my 4 and 6 yr olds sat through a Good Friday service without pencils or anything, with my oldest participating throughout and asking questions. They went to an Easter Vigil that started at 9 and lasted till 11:30. My youngest fell asleep almost immediately, but my oldest lasted through the whole thing. We gave her the option to leave when we were processing to another part of the church, but she said she wanted to stay. During the sermon at 10:45 pm she drew a series of drawings illustrating the sermon. Then they sat through Easter morning, although my oldest sat on the floor in the pew and spun a plastic Easter egg that the pastor gave out during the children's sermon. (I wish that hadn't been done.)

[WiseOwlKnits]

My 3-year old sits in my lap. He's allowed to color, or play with an Etch-a-Sketch, but only during the pastor's sermon. The rest of the time, he's expected to sit quietly and listen, participate in prayers, passing the peace, hymns, etc.

 

My 5-year old sits next to me. She's expected to sit quietly and listen to the whole service, participate in the prayers, passing of the peace, singing hymns (she's an excellent reader). During the sermon, she gets 1 piece of paper, with the instruction to put a star for ever time she hears Jesus and a smiley face for every time she hears God. Then she tells us who was mentioned more that day. This also helps give her focus to listen to the sermon and I expect her to tell me something she heard.

 

Our church does cookies after worship and we use those as a bribe. Any child who doesn't do what they should, doesn't get a cookie. It's amazing how far a cookie can go. Although, to be honest, we haven't had to take away a cookie in MONTHS. DS has been really good at church the last 6 months or so...

 

We trained them to sit like that by taking them every week, even when we wanted to pull our hair out from embarrassment. And by talking to them before church every week - we still do this - about the behaviors we expect to see from them and WHY we act the way we do in church. Consistency is the only way to do it. Going once and then waiting weeks to go again won't do it.

[kmacnchs]

I would add that because they are children, they WILL be wiggly. Don't be too strict about this...remind them gently and kindly. I've witnessed some parents who are so unrelenting about this...it just is so harsh. Sometimes DH and I get wiggly!!! especially DH - he is very tall and his legs are long, and the pew honestly isn't that comfortable.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

The author does not suggest offering a special coloring book or gum or mints during the service, but we do let PDG have these things occasionally. It's surprising how much she tunes into the sermon when she's coloring or doodling (kinetic learner??? :) ). SHe also has her very own spiral notebook for church -- sometimes I'll have her write out a key verse from the sermon, or just write words she hears in the sermon. One of the rules we have, though, is that she can't use these things until the sermon starts.

 

my dh learns by doodling (always thought that was a cop-out when I was a teacher, but it's true!) so we allow paper & pen & Bible - no toys, though

[JenC3]

My dd6.5 follows along for the while service except for the "long talk" as she calls it. At that point we allow her to read Bible wise books. My almost 4 yr old looks at cloth books or colors. He does sing some and join in some prayers. My 20 month old is held and taken in and out. Our service is 1.5 to 1:45 minutes long so I don't expect they are going to be perfect and sit still for that long.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Im betting the kids who sit are either naturally relatively compliant or they get smacked a lot.

 

My DD is compliant...my DS, not so much. But they've both been in the sanctuary with us since they were only weeks old. In DD's Sunday School class a couple of years ago, she was the only one who knew the whole Lord's Prayer...and also the only one who went to church every Sunday instead of Godly Play (Children's Church).

 

FWIW, we don't spank/hit/smack/etc.

[EmeraldGirl]

Like others mentioned, we have Family Worship/Bible Time in the morning w/ Mom and evenings w/ Dad, so this teaches them that there is worship time and serious time with God each day (that we are able). That way when we worship corporately, they are just doing what they do at home, just a bit longer. It is a process in gently training the children, but we let them know the expectations, and then remind them during the service if they are getting wiggly which is normal for the age. We don't hit or harshly reprimand, just model what is worship and also talk to them about our struggles too b/c we are all sinners and get distracted at times.

[justamouse]

Sit in the back and bring lots of stuff. Personally I don't think it's right for littles to sit in church quiet, but quietly occupied is OK. That age is VERY hard, they have no attention span and a service probably seems like eternity to them. Heh, fond memories. A bunch of us new moms used to sit and nurse in the back row and SOMEONE would always have a very loud blowout.

[JoyfulMama]

I have a 5yo and a (just) 4yo. My 9yo participates in worship, yet is still finding the need to have something to occupy herself during the sermon. The younger ones don't normally sit with me for the whole church service. If they do, then I only get to listen to the readings and the sermon with 1/2 an ear. I get frustrated, and it makes it difficult. Now, I also don't have a dh sitting next to me that I can leave with one for a moment, and then return, or who can sit closer to one child while I sit closer to the other.

Snacks - depends on their age and the timing of the service. Now they are old enough that they can do without.

I do usually bring something small, either a couple crayons and paper or a pencil, or a mini magnadoodle.

Things that have helped me/them: Whispering prayers in their ears, or the readings in their ears, or whatever else we are listening to. Whispering the things we are seeing or will see. It helps them to realize that there is something going on, and that we are not just sitting, especially if they are having a hard time seeing. Let them change position.

My kids like to sit in the front. I prefer to sit on a side aisle rather than the middle aisle, as it is less obtrusive if I have to hustle all the kids out.

 

I also think there is a big difference between sitting still and silent vs sitting quietly. I attended with a friend once, and her 4yo dtr. The dtr put the two coats on the floor, got comfortable, and looked through books for the whole entire service. I was impressed. My dh would have been mortified.

[happyhomemaker25]

It looks like you have a whole range of answers to work with.

It is very rare in Southern Baptist circles (mine!) to keep your children with you. People still question us about it. We do it for the simple reason that we enjoy worshipping together as a family.

I too agree that keeping our kids with us in church is not going to hurry thier flight away from the church when they are older. That's the funniest argument to me. I know for a fact sending a kid to children's church is not a promise they will stay in church.

We expect our kids to sit quietly. Wiggling is a little more objective. If it gets to be distracting then they have to stop. It's mostly my boys that have this problem.

My four year old does have a small toy he carries to church sometimes, but the first time it becomes a distraction it goes in mommy's purse.

My older kids take their Bibles. Sometimes that's a chore as we have to help the youngers find thier place and follow along, but as someone else mentioned it's all worth it. I always think ahead to years when I won't have to do that and it's a little sad.

We practice at home. At the dinner table you are not allowed to be rude and move around constantly. At family worship time you have to participate and be respectful.

There is nothing wrong with teaching a child respect. When someone else is talking they need to be listening.

An hour or two on Sunday morning is not going to "stunt" your child's emotional growth.

I have just gotten to the point in the last two years that my kids are all old enough that I get to pay close attention to the sermon. Just in time to add another kid to mix. LOL

I made sure during the week to listen to good preaching and read my Bible. This helped me not resent missing bits and pieces of the sermon on Sundays.

[mom2denj]

I am probaby going to get slammed here, but I think that children learn nothing from sitting in a pew in "big church". They learn so much more going into the nursery or children's chuch. I know that at our church they are read certain bible stories each week, act them out and do a craft pertaining to the story.

 

I just do not think it is ok to make them sit still for 1 hour listening to something that is impossible for them to comprehend.

 

I am not trying to slam anyone else, this is just my opinion.

 

I grew up in a church where the children had to sit in church and I really hated it! I still remember like it was yesterday. It was torture for me.

 

I remember swearing as a child, that I would never make my kids go to church.

 

With all of that siad, I know there are some children that prefer to sit with their family and that is great.

Edited April 7, 2010 by mom2denj

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am probaby going to get slammed here, but I think that children learn nothing from sitting in a pew in "big church". They learn so much more going into the nursery or children's chuch. I know that at our church they are read certain bible stories each week, act them out and do a craft pertaining to the story.

 

I just do not think it is ok to make them sit still for 1 hour listening to something that is impossible for them to comprehend.

 

I am not trying to slam anyone else, this is just my opinion.

 

I grew up in a church where the children had to sit in church and I really hated it! I still remember like it was yesterday. It was torture for me.

 

I remember swearing as a child, that I would never make my kids go to church.

 

With all of that siad, I know there are some children that prefer to sit with their family and that is great.

 

I guess, for me, it depends on the kind of church. If it was over an hour of sermon/lecture, then I wouldn't see the point, but then again, I wouldn't see the point for me either. Church, for me, is worship and worship should be friendly to all. The Catholic liturgy is a participatory experience. By the time a child is 7, they should be participating fully in the mass, since they are preparing for their First Holy Communion.

[Dmmetler]

I am probaby going to get slammed here, but I think that children learn nothing from sitting in a pew in "big church". They learn so much more going into the nursery or children's chuch. I know that at our church they are read certain bible stories each week, act them out and do a craft pertaining to the story.

 

I just do not think it is ok to make them sit still for 1 hour listening to something that is impossible for them to comprehend.

 

I am not trying to slam anyone else, this is just my opinion.

 

I grew up in a church where the children had to sit in church and I really hated it! I still remember like it was yesterday. It was torture for me.

 

I remember swearing as a child, that I would never make my kids go to church.

 

With all of that siad, I know there are some children that prefer to sit with their family and that is great.

 

Well, in my church (LCMS) we don't have a children's church, so unless a child is young enough for the nursery, they go to church. However, it's also, like a Catholic Mass, a participatory experience-much of the liturgy is sung, there's a set ritual, and the liturgy is directly connected to the catechism, so, for example, my DD is working on the section of the catechism on confession and reconciliation, and can connect this to that part of the service. And it's kind of neat to hear a preschooler singing along with the cantor, because she knows what's coming next.

 

In general, she's fine for a service that is usually between 1 1/4 and 1 1/2 hours long except for the sermon, and I see her coloring a picture or drawing related to the scripture as the same as my taking notes (I've also noticed as she gets older than she's starting to add more words). And based on what she says in the car on the way home, she does indeed learn from the sermon.

 

I kind of see it as being in the same vein as reading SOTW and having her draw pictures of ancient Egypt. Will she remember Ancient Egypt in detail in a few years? Probably not. But it's building a foundation for her to expand on when she's older.

[Carol in Cal.]

And based on what she says in the car on the way home, she does indeed learn from the sermon.

 

I kind of see it as being in the same vein as reading SOTW and having her draw pictures of ancient Egypt. Will she remember Ancient Egypt in detail in a few years? Probably not. But it's building a foundation for her to expand on when she's older.

 

I'm LCMS also, and my DD is now 13. She remembers lots of things from her earliest days of worship, and we developed an early habit of talking about aspects of the sermon that she may not have understood that we continue to this day. Yes, those early days do build a good foundation!

 

Have you tried teaching hymns to your child? I know quite a few by heart, and used to sing them to and with DD in the car as we drove around when she was younger. I remember when she was 4 she sang all the verses of "Hosanna, Loud Hosanna" in church on Palm Sunday, and a lovely little old lady was really touched that she knew it so well. At that age they memorize so easily, and she had picked up a lot of hymns by then. I think that they have stayed with her, too.

 

(BTW, there is a Lutheran social group, if you're interested. It's not very active, though.)

[Prairie~Phlox]

I am probaby going to get slammed here, but I think that children learn nothing from sitting in a pew in "big church". They learn so much more going into the nursery or children's chuch. I know that at our church they are read certain bible stories each week, act them out and do a craft pertaining to the story.

 

I just do not think it is ok to make them sit still for 1 hour listening to something that is impossible for them to comprehend.

 

I am not trying to slam anyone else, this is just my opinion.

 

I grew up in a church where the children had to sit in church and I really hated it! I still remember like it was yesterday. It was torture for me.

 

I remember swearing as a child, that I would never make my kids go to church.

 

With all of that siad, I know there are some children that prefer to sit with their family and that is great.

 

 

Each family needs to do what is best for THEM! We are the exact opposite and I would never attend a church that had a separate children's church. DH & I feel it's important for families to stay together. It is not going to kill a child to sit for 1-2 hours, when there are 168 hours in a week. Just because you send a child to children's church doesn't mean that they are going to grow up to be a Christian adult. Lots of people fall away no matter how they were brought up or what they are forced to sit through or not sit through as a child. But those are just all my opinions and I try not to judge others for decisions that they make, though because of our sinful nature, we all think we right!

[Jugglin'5]

Well, in my church (LCMS) we don't have a children's church, so unless a child is young enough for the nursery, they go to church. However, it's also, like a Catholic Mass, a participatory experience-much of the liturgy is sung, there's a set ritual, and the liturgy is directly connected to the catechism, so, for example, my DD is working on the section of the catechism on confession and reconciliation, and can connect this to that part of the service. And it's kind of neat to hear a preschooler singing along with the cantor, because she knows what's coming next.

 

In general, she's fine for a service that is usually between 1 1/4 and 1 1/2 hours long except for the sermon, and I see her coloring a picture or drawing related to the scripture as the same as my taking notes (I've also noticed as she gets older than she's starting to add more words). And based on what she says in the car on the way home, she does indeed learn from the sermon.

 

I kind of see it as being in the same vein as reading SOTW and having her draw pictures of ancient Egypt. Will she remember Ancient Egypt in detail in a few years? Probably not. But it's building a foundation for her to expand on when she's older.

 

We attend a liturgical Presbyterian church, and this is our experience as well. They learn a lot - the Doxology, Nunc Dimittis, Gloria Patri, the confession, the Nicene Creed, the Psalms from the responsive reading, and hymns and psalms set to music. They learn every Sunday, even before they are old enough to follow the sermon. It is probably easier for a child to learn to participate in a liturgical service because there is so much to do and a set order of doing it so they know what comes next.

 

They sometimes attend a Southern Baptist church with their grandparents. They prefer to stay in the service rather than go to children's church. (This may be due to shyness on the part of the six year old, but NOT the nine yr old, Miss Social Butterfly, :D.) They always learn something in this service too. They like to tell me about it when they get home. Mostly, though, they enjoy being with their Pop and Gigi in the pew.

[Momling]

I am probaby going to get slammed here, but I think that children learn nothing from sitting in a pew in "big church". They learn so much more going into the nursery or children's chuch. I know that at our church they are read certain bible stories each week, act them out and do a craft pertaining to the story.

 

I just do not think it is ok to make them sit still for 1 hour listening to something that is impossible for them to comprehend.

 

I am not trying to slam anyone else, this is just my opinion.

 

I grew up in a church where the children had to sit in church and I really hated it! I still remember like it was yesterday. It was torture for me.

 

I remember swearing as a child, that I would never make my kids go to church.

 

With all of that siad, I know there are some children that prefer to sit with their family and that is great.

 

I agree. Just like I look for curriculum that is appropriate for my kids and speaks to them, I looked for a church that provided a good quality Sunday school program that teaches the history and traditions of our church and important lessons from the Bible and engages the children in thinking and responding to them.

 

In my case, my oldest will sit through church and occasionally serves on the altar as a boat bearer or acolyte and she is ready for that and enjoys it. But my youngest is simply not ready. No amount of me making her sit still will make the messages from church any more audible to her. It's a pointless endeavor because she simply can't hear it. But she does hear and see and understand and respond to the lessons in her Godly Play class. And right before the communion, all of the children do come and sit with their families, and they do get a taste of being in church and they know they are part of the community. So, for us, this is just the right kind of church.

[Carol in Cal.]

Just like I look for curriculum that is appropriate for my kids and speaks to them, I looked for a church that provided a good quality Sunday school program that teaches the history and traditions of our church and important lessons from the Bible and engages the children in thinking and responding to them.

 

 

 

I have a church with a VERY good quality Sunday school program, and DD attends faithfully. However, it does not overlap with church, and I'm very clear that church is the more important of the two. This is not an either/or choice--either you engage children or you make them stay with you in church. No, instead it's a both/and kind of thing at our church--both a great Sunday school for all ages AND a church service that included everyone.

[happyhomemaker25]

We have just always relied on the verse that says God's Word will not return void. I like what one PP said about building a foundation. I am AMAZED at what comes out of my kids during the week about the sermon. Sometimes even months later they will bring up something the preacher said.

[Jennifer in MI]

I haven't read everything. But, I think that different kids need different things. My oldest could NOT sit through church. My second was born 18 months later. He didn't have a problem in church. He LOVES music and I think that's what kept him interested for so long.

 

My third also didn't have a problem sitting through church. My fourth will NOT sit through church. We've since moved to a different church, with a nursery, and she stays there.

 

Now, my oldest, who couldn't sit through a service, is an usher at our church. He just needs to be busy! Now he has a purpose and all is good. The next two serve at the altar each week. Dd is still in the nursery. We start each week with her in the big church.

 

I don't like the idea of "training" children for anything. It sounds too much like they're animals, I guess. I train a dog. I don't train my kids. I raise my kids. And, they're turning out wonderfully!!!

[littlebug42]

We have just always relied on the verse that says God's Word will not return void. I like what one PP said about building a foundation. I am AMAZED at what comes out of my kids during the week about the sermon. Sometimes even months later they will bring up something the preacher said.

 

 

Imagine my surprise at Holy Thursday mass last week when my daughter started singing the Sanctus loudly and clearly, in latin from memory. I didn't realize that she knew it like that. My children have participated since they were old enough to and have gotten plenty out of it - as much if not more than they learn from me in a religion class.

 

Also, I know this is all from perspective but growing up I went to children's church and honestly, I knew nothing about my faith other than the same OT Bible stories every year and some memorized Bible verses but I had no idea what it all meant. My children know way more about their faith than I did at that age and that comes from being in mass.

[Mrs.W]

Has anyone mentioned Parenting in the Pew? :lol: Seriously, I think the reason it's been mentioned so many times is because it really addresses the "why" of having kids in church. Before we moved to our current home, we attended a large church that had a fabulous children's church. My husband and I loved it so much we even volunteered to help lead, but after reading Parenting in the Pew the church leaders decided the children needed to be in the service with their families so they discontinued children's church. After reading the book myself I was in complete agreement.

 

I do think it is possible for young children to sit quietly that long. Kids certainly need to jump and play, but not for every waking hour of the day. How many times have we read in homeschool books to let our kids have a time for quiet reading during the day? It's no different for church. We need to train our kids for times of stillness.

 

My husband and I are far, far, far from being perfect parents, but once we made it a priority to attend church as a family, it came together. The key for our family was sitting up front, preferably near the piano or organ. For our son, who has autism and can be very hyperactive, it took him almost a year to make it through the whole service -- but he was able to do it by age 5.