trouble schooling one of my kids

[Denisemomof4]

what would you do if you had a child who purposefully wrote all the wrong answers on their schoolwork EVERY SINGLE DAY? I don't even mark the pages, I just give them to her and tell her to do it right. She will. Sometimes I'll ask her to point at the ones she did wrong, and she will. She's just trying to get to me. I tell her over and over and over that her games are boring, they do nothing but ruin HER day, NOT mine (she has to go to her room without toys when she does that) Today was the first time that I showed emotion, and it was HUGE. I'm just not in the mood for it today, my other daughter needs me and Tuesdays are my day that we do more than others. I feel completely defeated today.

 

I soooooooooooooo wish I could send her to school and do NOT want to homeschool her, but she's a chronic liar and I don't know what stories she'd make up at school, plus all her passive aggressive ways would magnify, as would her attention seeking behaviors. I can NOT handle that right now either.

 

I'm considering a completely hands off, computer driven program for her and she's only in 1st grade. Are there any? I've never even considered something like that before.

 

 

I know disciplining adopted kids is different, but after two weeks of doing this, I'm at my wits end.

[Erica in PA]

 

 

I'm considering a completely hands off, computer driven program for her and she's only in 1st grade. Are there any? I've never even considered something like that before.

 

 

I actually would do the complete opposite: sit with her and do her schoolwork with her. Since she's only in first grade, it needn't take much more than an hour or so. It sounds to me like she needs you to be there with her, directing her and helping make her school time more enjoyable. There's plenty of time in the future for her to learn to work independently.

Edited September 22, 2009 by Erica in PA

[CalicoKat]

what would you do if you had a child who purposefully wrote all the wrong answers on their schoolwork EVERY SINGLE DAY? I don't even mark the pages, I just give them to her and tell her to do it right. She will. Sometimes I'll ask her to point at the ones she did wrong, and she will. She's just trying to get to me. I tell her over and over and over that her games are boring, they do nothing but ruin HER day, NOT mine (she has to go to her room without toys when she does that) Today was the first time that I showed emotion, and it was HUGE. I'm just not in the mood for it today, my other daughter needs me and Tuesdays are my day that we do more than others. I feel completely defeated today.

 

I soooooooooooooo wish I could send her to school and do NOT want to homeschool her, but she's a chronic liar and I don't know what stories she'd make up at school, plus all her passive aggressive ways would magnify, as would her attention seeking behaviors. I can NOT handle that right now either.

 

I'm considering a completely hands off, computer driven program for her and she's only in 1st grade. Are there any? I've never even considered something like that before.

 

 

I know disciplining adopted kids is different, but after two weeks of doing this, I'm at my wits end.

 

my adopted daughter did this when she was extremely bored at age 5. Took me a while to figure out that she was being purposeful in her wrong answers. But when I did get it, I quickly tested her out and moved her on. Still I need to be aware of when to move her on and when she's truly not getting it.

 

I pulled out the tests and tested her. I told her that if she got less than 2 wrong we could move her along to more interesting stuff. She loved it.

 

Was your dd adopted as an infant or older child adoption? I'm not sure that I discipline my adopted children differently than I would a biological child. My children all arrived as days old infants though. If they'd have been older I'm understand the difference.

[BMW]

Phew... my son lies and does not like to do what he is told. He tests me. But, he is a bit 10. Because of the lies, he is usually not trusted to stay home with siblings when I run errands. Sometimes this really bums him out. When it comes to school and he does the wrong thing (on purpose, because he doesn't LIKE to be told what to do), he has to do it completely over. There are days (usually 2 a week) where he is at the table for hours and hours. His choice.

 

His last "do over" was where he was given a writing assignment. He chose to write a paragraph about going camping. He had a topic sentence followed with sentences all about trout. So, he then had to change his topic. Then after editing and working through his rough draft he was told to rewrite the final draft. He began the final draft topic sentence and then wrote completely different sentences!! None of it was a rewrite. He didn't want to. I drew a big X through the page, tore it out of the notebook and told him that he needed to follow instructions. This happens often... sigh.

[CalicoKat]

my dd also completely buffaloed all her gp's (former school teachers) into thinking she couldn't read, for years!

 

I finally gave my agast mother a bag of M&M's and told her reward dd for each sentance she read. "SHE CAN READ!!!!" Yes mother. It's about motivation sometimes.

 

My dd hates it when people (relatives, strangers, neighbors, friends) test her knowledge.

[msjones]

I actually would do the complete opposite: sit with her and do her schoolwork with her. Since she's only in first grade, it needn't take much more than an hour or so. It sounds to me like she needs you to be there with her, directly her and helping make her school time more enjoyable. There's plenty of time in the future for her to learn to work independently.

 

I agree. It's certainly worth a try for a week or so.

[Melinda in VT]

:grouphug:

 

My niece has reactive attachment disorder and I've done just enough reading to get a glimpse of how tough it can be.

[Impish]

I don't see why an adopted child would be disciplined differently. Perhaps you're referring to RAD? An adopted child, who doesn't have RAD wouldn't be treated any differently than a bio child, I would imagine.

 

RAD is a whole other ballgame, and I'm so sorry, for you, your family, and especially your dd that she's been effected. What a difficult situation :grouphug:

 

She garners attention by doing this. If nothing else than your speech on it affecting her more than you, 'telling her over and over that her games are boring'. If she's getting all the answers right, I'd move her on to something more challenging.

 

My Diva is a pita to homeschool sometimes. She stares off into space, doesn't work, etc. Has nothing to do with adoption, because she's my bio dd, but has everything to do with boredom. I could totally see one of the Littles (again, bio, no RAD) pulling the same stunt. Tazzie especially. Can totally picture him deliberately answering wrong to everything...crap, where did that ps # go? I need to ask about kindy enrollment next year...:lol:

 

Try introducing more difficult work, and see what happens. It may not be her trying to 'get to you' but might have something to do with boredom.

 

Big hugs. RAD is such a nasty, nasty dx, so hard on the family and the child. I can't imagine not being able to trust and love...how heartbreaking for everyone involved.

 

I realized that I had/have a minor version of RAD. Can't remember the actual name now, but it was something like 'interrupted' attachment. Described me to a T, and realized Wolf had/has it as well. Both of us were in foster care (me as a teen by choice, him as an infant) both of us have mothers with NPD...God put us together for a reason.

 

I'm wishing you all the best, and you're in my prayers. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

my dd also completely buffaloed all her gp's (former school teachers) into thinking she couldn't read, for years!

 

I finally gave my agast mother a bag of M&M's and told her reward dd for each sentance she read. "SHE CAN READ!!!!" Yes mother. It's about motivation sometimes.

 

My dd hates it when people (relatives, strangers, neighbors, friends) test her knowledge.

 

oh yeah, I went through that. The tears, the "I don't know my letters" and all the games. Then she sat down later in the day with her magna doodle, wrote out words I didn't think she was capable of doing, and then read them all out loud - all the while sitting next to me. I ignored her.

 

The difficulty of her work doesn't matter. She will intentionally do everything wrong, even if it's challenging.. One thing I will NOT do is sit by her side as she does it all. The games would only pick up.

[Happy]

I actually would do the complete opposite: sit with her and do her schoolwork with her. Since she's only in first grade, it needn't take much more than an hour or so. It sounds to me like she needs you to be there with her, directly her and helping make her school time more enjoyable. There's plenty of time in the future for her to learn to work independently.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

My adopted son would act out in so many ways. School was a handy tool for him. Professional counselors said it was because he trusted us to not push him away. (Lucky us!) These adopted ones seem to be testing our love, our commitment, our attachment by testing the limits. They also seem to FEED off the adrenalin rush they get from your reaction. The question buried deep in their hearts is if I'm bad (stupid, disrespectful, angry, bored, etc.) will they 'throw' me away, too. (Like the bio parents did.)

 

Draw her closer. Touch may be important here. It often was for my son. Acclerating as someone else suggested maybe just the ticket. I just want to urge you to dig deep for courage, patience, HUMOR, and love for this kid and this situation.

 

An old horse trainer once taught me, make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult. Notice every try. And don't get in a hurry.

 

If it takes three days to do the math correctly, then so be it. Take all day if you must. Eventually, you'll get it right.

 

Don't give up. Come here to lament and cry and react, but don't you dare give in. Keep repeating...I am the grown up. I love this child. I will outlast her!

[Pretty in Pink]

I sit with my first grader for the majority of his lessons. So much of his work still requires my full attention, ya know? He's very prone to dawdle, doodle all over his paper, and make his letters and numbers two inches tall if I leave him to his own devices. Yes, I could leave him alone and get frustrated when he does what I *know* he will do, or I could just sit with him for an hour a day and help him get done. His behavior is age-appropriate. It's just not a hill I'm willing to die on. YMMV

 

If I couldn't sit with him for some reason and he goofed around like that I would just erase the paper and hand it back to him to do again. I wouldn't make a big deal of it at all, I'd refrain from lecturing or telling him how hard he was making this on himself, etc. I'd tell him one time, "If you goof around and do not complete your work properly you will have to start over." That would be that.

[KrissiK]

My boys (K & 1st) get a great deal of my attention during their seatwork time. I, too, wonder how old she was when she was adopted. My children are all adopted (13 months, 4 months and at birth) and they don't seem to have any of those issues.

[Mandy in TN]

I sit with 6yo ds through all of his work. He is not adopted, but I bet if I left him alone and made it clear that I didn't want to do school with him that he would do all kinds of things in order to gain my attention.

 

So, mine would be another vote for going the other way. Tomato stake/ attachment parent this child. Do everything with her (not just school work). For school do everything orally. Don't even hand her a pencil for at least two weeks and perhaps not even until after Christmas. Do it all with kindness and love for the joy of being with her. When introducing independent work, do so slowly.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[EKS]

I think she wants your attention. And I don't think that's a bad thing. Most kids prefer learning to be a social experience and that's ok. I would sit with her while she does her work and see if that helps.

 

Your anger at this child comes through very clearly in your post. Your relationship with your child is more important than anything else (IMHO) and if school would help with that relationship then it might be something worth considering.

[Denisemomof4]

I sit with my first grader for the majority of his lessons. So much of his work still requires my full attention, ya know? He's very prone to dawdle, doodle all over his paper, and make his letters and numbers two inches tall if I leave him to his own devices. Yes, I could leave him alone and get frustrated when he does what I *know* he will do, or I could just sit with him for an hour a day and help him get done. His behavior is age-appropriate. It's just not a hill I'm willing to die on. YMMV

 

If I couldn't sit with him for some reason and he goofed around like that I would just erase the paper and hand it back to him to do again. I wouldn't make a big deal of it at all, I'd refrain from lecturing or telling him how hard he was making this on himself, etc. I'd tell him one time, "If you goof around and do not complete your work properly you will have to start over." That would be that.

 

honestly, like I said earlier - sitting with her is NOT an option. If she had me sitting by her side, the games would continue on longer, the fake tears would flow, the manipulation. Sitting by her is one thing I'm CERTAIN will set her up for failure. It is NOT an option.

 

I guess I can continue on with the "fix the ones you did wrong" or whatever. I never mark her papers because her wrong answers are intentional and she will immediately go to the wrong problems to fix them. It's a game and sitting by her side will add more fuel to the fire.

[Denisemomof4]

My boys (K & 1st) get a great deal of my attention during their seatwork time. I, too, wonder how old she was when she was adopted. My children are all adopted (13 months, 4 months and at birth) and they don't seem to have any of those issues.

 

my dd was 14 months at adoption, from an orphanage which was NOT good, and the orphanage workers left at night and left all those babies alone until morning. Imagine knowing there were 75 BABIES, plus small kids, left alone at night. To add to it, I'm certain some type of abuse happened. I didn't realize it until I started to research her issues a few years later. She was so broken and traumatized at 14 months of age. I never knew a child of that age could be so damaged. And the sad thing is that it's far more common than anyone realizes.

[Erica in PA]

One thing I will NOT do is sit by her side as she does it all. The games would only pick up.

 

What if you sit with her and do the work with her? I can understand not sitting beside her while she does it all herself, but what if you talk with her the whole time, make a game of it, and work your way through the material with her? It sounds as though she views you as her adversary when it comes to schoolwork... I would do what I could to try to become teammates instead. That might mean reducing the amount of work, making it all a lot more fun, changing curriculum to something more enjoyable-- whatever it takes to totally change the dynamic you have going on now. I guess what I'm suggesting is a do-over, with the two of you beginning to work together in a fun, playful way, instead of continuing on with a power struggle.

[Denisemomof4]

Your anger at this child comes through very clearly in your post. Your relationship with your child is more important than anything else (IMHO) and if school would help with that relationship then it might be something worth considering.

 

I am assuming that you're a mother of biological children without RAD? If so, I can understand why you couldn't possibly understand why sending her to school would NOT be an option. It wouldn't be good for her, and it would jeopardize the safety of my current children. The tall tale lies are quite believable out of her mouth..... it's really sad. And I wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize the safety of my bio kids.

 

RAD kids lie all the time, and families like mine who have bio kids and RAD kids have all too often had ALL the kids removed from the house for an investigation..... one in which the RAD child has one story and the other kids, bio OR adopted - but adopted and WITHOUT RAD, have another. I've seen it too often and have been warned by a woman who lives within a mile of my home. She has lived it herself and sees all the same issues with my daughter.

 

Our interactive school time with science and history are GREAT times, as are our co-op times and everything else we do. The math and phonics games she's recently started again I thought were a thing of the past. Apparently not. We've been through so much, I'm not going to make an issue of it anymore. Today was one day I weakened. We ALL do.

 

Frustrated with her? Yes. Angry? No.

[cin]

Denise,

 

Sounds like my daughter. She was adopted at 12 mos and someone beat the crap out of her as an infant. She had 8 broken bones. We're in counseling for some attachment issues and post traumatic stress. Her symptoms are not super obvious, but they are there, and they make MY life miserable.

 

They purposely push their primary caregiver away from them. The kids don't trust us to take care of them because they learned that it didn't work that way in the beginning. They had to fend for themselves, and couldn't trust anyone to meet their needs. In addition, they have a feeling of HAVING TO BE IN CONTROL. Hereagain, because the person in control failed them.

 

My daughter also has 'martyr' syndrome, and punishes herself. She goes real dramatic and essentially says it's MY fault. I did it wrong. And recently has been letting her younger sister continue behavior that actually hurts her. DD2 isn't intentionally hurting her older sister, just doing kid stuff, and DD1 says, Go ahead, it's ok. (in the most dramatic voice you can imagine!).

 

I know it's no help, but at least some commiseration :) . I'll be watching this thread to see what others say. Good Luck!

[Denisemomof4]

What if you sit with her and do the work with her? I can understand not sitting beside her while she does it all herself, but what if you talk with her the whole time, make a game of it, and work your way through the material with her? It sounds as though she views you as her adversary when it comes to schoolwork... I would do what I could to try to become teammates instead. That might mean reducing the amount of work, making it all a lot more fun, changing curriculum to something more enjoyable-- whatever it takes to totally change the dynamic you have going on now. I guess what I'm suggesting is a do-over, with the two of you beginning to work together in a fun, playful way, instead of continuing on with a power struggle.

 

 

GOod suggestion of making it a game, Erica. That's a very good idea.

 

I need to clarify - I'm WITH her, just not watching her do her work. The three of us are all together. If I do watch her, it always makes the situation worse. It's not that she thinks I'm her adversary, it's that kids with her disorder do everything they can to push their mother's buttons. Yes, mothers - it's all directed at me and has been from day one. I often times tell her, "That's ok, you can do such and such. I'm still going to love you." We are VERY open in our family and I discuss things with her. She's only 6.5 but she soooooooooooooo gets it and helping her through her feelings and helping her to understand WHY she does what she does actually helps HER.

 

Sometimes she pushes my buttons for attention, but much of the time that has nothing to do with it.

[Denisemomof4]

Denise,

 

Sounds like my daughter. She was adopted at 12 mos and someone beat the crap out of her as an infant. She had 8 broken bones. We're in counseling for some attachment issues and post traumatic stress. Her symptoms are not super obvious, but they are there, and they make MY life miserable.

 

They purposely push their primary caregiver away from them. The kids don't trust us to take care of them because they learned that it didn't work that way in the beginning. They had to fend for themselves, and couldn't trust anyone to meet their needs. In addition, they have a feeling of HAVING TO BE IN CONTROL. Hereagain, because the person in control failed them.

 

My daughter also has 'martyr' syndrome, and punishes herself. She goes real dramatic and essentially says it's MY fault. I did it wrong. And recently has been letting her younger sister continue behavior that actually hurts her. DD2 isn't intentionally hurting her older sister, just doing kid stuff, and DD1 says, Go ahead, it's ok. (in the most dramatic voice you can imagine!).

 

I know it's no help, but at least some commiseration :) . I'll be watching this thread to see what others say. Good Luck!

 

Oh my gosh, Cindy! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: How do you know your daughter was abused? Did she come to you with the broken bones? How horrible!!!

 

In China we had to keep the babies away from each other. If they got close to each other, they'd beat each other's faces and also scratch the heck out of them! Many of them did this to their mothers, too. And when I got my dd home, she did this for awhile with other kids but learned that it was not acceptable behavior. I know the babies hurt each other, but I'm certain something else happened to her. She used to be so fearful that the Chinese men were going to steal her at night, so we'd have her sleep with us.

[KrissiK]

I'm so sorry, Denise. It is so hard when we adopt a child and try to love them and raise them and give them a good life and you wonder, at times, if the damage done to them is just too great. Hang in there.

[Tangerine]

oh yeah, I went through that. The tears, the "I don't know my letters" and all the games. Then she sat down later in the day with her magna doodle, wrote out words I didn't think she was capable of doing, and then read them all out loud - all the while sitting next to me. I ignored her.

 

I don't understand the ignoring part. Is it not possible she was trying to make you proud, or display what she knew, just in a different context? Perhaps where she didn't feel pressure.

[missmoe]

At our house, school is a privilege. I have one child that has done exactly what you described your daughter doing. When she does this she is excused from school--she either sits on the stairs or has to go to her room depending on what kind of reaction she has. I try to calmly tell her that when she is ready to learn she may join us. I know trying to stay calm is hard, but I think its really the key to dealing with behavior of this kind.

 

I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't understand the ignoring part. Is it not possible she was trying to make you proud, or display what she knew, just in a different context? Perhaps where she didn't feel pressure.

 

no, if you go back and read my words in their entirety, she regularly would cry, tell me she didn't know her letters, she could read NOTHING, (it was all a game, she knew it all) and then later that day did what she did to sort of laugh in my face, push my buttons, etc. It's what kids with her disorder do, and bringing attention to it is what she wants. I ignore it or make her antics dull as dirt. NO emotion.

 

 

 

Today I blew it, we all do at times, but normally I'm flatlined with her negative behaviors.

[LinRTX]

Denise,

 

I really have nothing to add but:grouphug:. We all blow it at times. I have so many times and mine are all mine with no RAD. I'm certain that is awful.

 

No one who does not live with you knows what you go through. I have tough kids. Two of mine would make the kids in any stong will child books I've read look like angels. No one knows what my days have been like. They have been tough and I have blown it with these kids so many times.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it (I have been know to feel like such a failure); just start asresh tomorrow and try again. You are a grat mom and she is blessed to have you.

 

Linda

[Jean in Newcastle]

What I'm going to tell you is what was suggested by a child psychiatrist to my friend who has two boys with RAD. If you have a psychiatrist or family counselor you might want to get their input.

 

My friend set a baseline of what she would supply for her boys: 1 glass of milk, piece of bread with butter for a meal, a mattress and bedding, love. Anything above that the boys had to earn.

 

She sat down and wrote a chart (a major PITA, I know) that gave points for doing normal obedient things around the house. Then she had a chart that awarded privileges for different amounts of points.

 

For example, if they made their bed, they might get 5 points. 5 points might be worth a cookie or some carrot sticks, or 10 minutes of lego play. . .

 

If they were obedient (in normal ways) all during the day, they would have the normal meals that were planned for the family, at least an hour of play, and would be able to start earning toward a special outing etc.

 

Many times her boys had only milk and bread and butter at meals, at first. They had no extra play time, and no special things in their room. But as time went by, they started to earn privileges. They might earn a normal breakfast and lunch before running out of points and having a bare-bones supper. The plan was hopefully to have more days with privileges than not. In her case, one boy did beautifully with this system. One boy decided it was worth more to him to have control than to earn any privileges.

 

Note: you have to be really consistent with this program. But then I understand that you have to be really consistent with kids with RAD in general. At least that is what my friend has told me.

[Denisemomof4]

What I'm going to tell you is what was suggested by a child psychiatrist to my friend who has two boys with RAD. If you have a psychiatrist or family counselor you might want to get their input.

 

My friend set a baseline of what she would supply for her boys: 1 glass of milk, piece of bread with butter for a meal, a mattress and bedding, love. Anything above that the boys had to earn.

 

She sat down and wrote a chart (a major PITA, I know) that gave points for doing normal obedient things around the house. Then she had a chart that awarded privileges for different amounts of points.

 

For example, if they made their bed, they might get 5 points. 5 points might be worth a cookie or some carrot sticks, or 10 minutes of lego play. . .

 

If they were obedient (in normal ways) all during the day, they would have the normal meals that were planned for the family, at least an hour of play, and would be able to start earning toward a special outing etc.

 

Many times her boys had only milk and bread and butter at meals, at first. They had no extra play time, and no special things in their room. But as time went by, they started to earn privileges. They might earn a normal breakfast and lunch before running out of points and having a bare-bones supper. The plan was hopefully to have more days with privileges than not. In her case, one boy did beautifully with this system. One boy decided it was worth more to him to have control than to earn any privileges.

 

Note: you have to be really consistent with this program. But then I understand that you have to be really consistent with kids with RAD in general. At least that is what my friend has told me.

 

Jean, thanks SO much! Rewards never worked with my daughter, but this actually might! It's certainly worth giving it a try! On days she doesn't do her work, she gets a plain peanut butter sandwich - and we buy the natural kind so it's not sweetened. But I like the idea of a chart like you mention and want to give it a try!

 

About 3 weeks ago I called hubby in hysterics. I have finally given up finding anyone who can really help us. I've been to a few places and they were a waste of time, even though they came highly recommended. I knew more about attachment issues than they did. I've done so much research that I know what to do. But what I want is to find HER help, to help HER heal, to help HER change, but it's just not available out here.

 

Thanks so much!

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: I hope it does work for you - and for her. I've been good friend/honorary aunt to my friend and her boys for 11 years now and I have a small idea of how hard it is.

[kdurfee]

I have 4 children, 3 are adopted, 2 adopted as "older" children. So I do know some of the complicated struggles of the heart. However I do not think, barring special circumstances, that an adopted child should be handled differently in most situations. Challenging? Yes! But so are many, many different children for as many reasons as they are varied in their phenotype/genetic makeup.

I agree that you should err on the side of love and find ways (even create ways?) to give positive, individualized attention in a non-conflict situation. The more love and affirmation she finds outside of school will naturally grow in her an increased desire to do well and to please others. She may be the very child that grows into your dearest friend as an adult. These times WILL pass - so it helps to focus on your long term goals for her as a mature little person. It will all be worth it then. :001_smile: Saying a prayer for you today!

[Denisemomof4]

thank you very much!

 

I absolutely DO parent her differently. She's my only child whom absolutely has to be in my eyesight at all times. If she isn't she'll fail and destroy something, hurt an animal, etc. I am very careful not to set her up for failure. I also will not tell her of holidays/birthdays, etc. because she'll spiral and ruin them. Last year we went out for tea, shopping, came home and baked a cake, decorated it, painted nails, etc. and then had had a nice dinner. After dinner she got presents. She looked confused and that's when I told her it was her birthday. She thanked me several times for handling it that way. I didn't give her an opportunity to ruin HER day which we wanted to celebrate with her. Honestly, I think she would have been sad all day and acting out if she knew it was her birthday. She always does so now while she's young enough I handle it this way.

 

She also needs firmer boundaries, more compassion, empathy and love. I can say for sure that my experience is that raising an adopted child is nothing at all like raising a biological child.

 

I have heard more than once that she may be my dearest child one day. I no longer hope for this, but I sure to pray for it! My biggest hope and dreams for her are to be happy, be able to give and receive love, and to feel like she BELONGS in this family. She's really sad because she's the only Chinese person in our family. I'm sad, too, because I wanted to go back to China for another so she WOULDN'T be the only Chinese child, but dh and I are certain we could never do this again (although secretly now that I KNOW how to handle attachment issues, I would KNOW how to do things RIGHT, and FROM THE BEGINNING!) as we're far too tired. Besides, with the age limit, dh being 48 and me 46, we are getting close to the expiration date. ;)

[jujsky]

Denise, I know you've been advised a couple of times to sit and do all of her work with her, but I wouldn't do that. I'm also an adoptive mom, and DS is much more difficult and non-compliant than my bio DD. He's also a first-grader. There are times I sit with him and do all his work with him, and first grade with him takes A LOT longer than it does with DD! Put it this way -- last week it took DD (a year younger and also doing first grade work) the same amount of time to do 3 math assignments and 2 phonics lessons as it took DS to do half of a math assignment. It's not that he's not capable -- he doesn't want to do it and fights me tooth and nail.

 

I would keep doing what you're doing, as frustrating as it is. Remind her of the consequences for her actions, and stick with those consequences. I know it feels like you're banging your head against a wall when your child knows what the consequences are, is capable of the work, but defies you just the same. Believe me -- I live it every. single. day. I'm hoping with time and consistency, it will sink in. DS is always looking for weakness in DH and I. He's always looking for the one time we'll give in to his demands out of sheer exhaustion or frustration. Don't do it, because it makes the situation so much worse! When we stay firm he eventually gives up on that behavior for awhile, and then will come back to it later looking for weakness. When we give in he just pushes harder and harder and harder.

 

One thing that has been working a bit better (at least as far as preserving my own sanity) is I no longer get mad at him. It's such a freeing feeling when you can get to that place. A lot of my frustration was coming from the amount of my time he was wasting. I would wait for him to finish an assignment which often meant that DD either had to sit there doing nothing since they're using the same curriculum, or I'd send her off to play. School was taking 6-7 hours/day for 2 1st graders. I was getting almost nothing besides schooling done each day because even if I had time to do other things (housework, errands) I was so emotionally exhausted that I didn't have the energy!

 

During the last couple of weeks, I've changed my approach. If he's honestly working and DD just finishes early, we wait for him. If he is fooling around and being difficult, we don't. He has to put his assignment away and move onto the next one. He cannot play or watch TV until his work is done. If we have a scheduled playdate or activity, he either can't go to it until his work is done, or he has to take his work with him and do it all before he can play or participate. I put it all on him and do not emotionally invest myself in the situation. If I need to attend to housework or something and he is making up work, I answer his questions and give him help when I'm at a good stopping point. If I'm busy, he needs to wait for me. I no longer cater to him and his schedule. I noticed that when I'd get angry, he wouldn't react. Now that I'm staying calm, DS is reacting. He's getting angry, frustrated, and crying when I stay calm, firm, and consistent. He usually ends up wearing himself out emotionally to the point where he'll do the work, or he'll exhaust himself to the point where he needs a nap and will either willingly or begrudgingly do his work after he wakes up. Taking his work to a scheduled playdate or activity has worked every single time. He knows I don't allow sloppy work, and I'll make him redo anything that is incorrect so both the speed and accuracy in which he completes his work in a situation like that is amazing!

 

I know it probably sounds to many people reading this that I'm a harsh, mean, homeschooling mom, but unless you've adopted a child with issues (in our case, mild FAE and sensory issues) or have an extremely defiant child you don't know what it's like. I'm hard on DS BECAUSE I love him and see all of his amazing potential. There are many times I've wanted to throw in the towel and send him to PS, but I know he would slip through the cracks. They would spoon-feed him answers because it would be easier than dealing with his behavior. If I was an aide making $9/hour and it wasn't my child, I'd probably do the same thing! I love him too much to allow all of his potential to go down the toilet. He is extremely bright, and I'm sure you see that in your beautiful DD as well. She's probably pushing you for the same reasons DS is pushing us -- she's looking for weakness. She wants to see how far she has to push before you give up on her entirely. Don't give up on her, but make sure she understands that the work is her responsibility and be firm, consistent, and non-emotional (at least with negative emotions). By teaching her this lesson, you are also teaching her not to give up on herself. I will often tell DS when he tries to turn it around on me (Why won't you let me play? Why are you being mean?) that I'm not being mean to him -- he chose not to play. If he wants to play, all he has to do is finish his work. Praise your DD when she stays on-task and puts forth a true effort, and make sure that you point out the consequences for her positive actions as well (You made a great choice to stay on task and do your work! See how much more time you have to play today? Now we have time to do X, Y, Z together!).

 

It's not easy. Believe me -- I feel your pain! :grouphug: Our kids are so worth the extra effort though!

Edited October 5, 2009 by jujsky

[Jumping In Puddles]

I sit with my first grader for the majority of his lessons. So much of his work still requires my full attention, ya know? He's very prone to dawdle, doodle all over his paper, and make his letters and numbers two inches tall if I leave him to his own devices. Yes, I could leave him alone and get frustrated when he does what I *know* he will do, or I could just sit with him for an hour a day and help him get done. His behavior is age-appropriate. It's just not a hill I'm willing to die on. YMMV

 

If I couldn't sit with him for some reason and he goofed around like that I would just erase the paper and hand it back to him to do again. I wouldn't make a big deal of it at all, I'd refrain from lecturing or telling him how hard he was making this on himself, etc. I'd tell him one time, "If you goof around and do not complete your work properly you will have to start over." That would be that.

:iagree: and I had to laugh about making his letters 2 inches tall because that is exactly what my son would do!

 

Denise,

:grouphug: I'm sorry that your dd has that dx. I've read posts from you before and my heart just breaks for your entire family.

 

I don't have a child with RAD so I really can't give you much advice but I agree with what someone else had said: Do some work orally. Don't give her paper.. read her a chapter from a living math book. Give her some coins to keep for math. If she can add up the coins, she may keep them for the next lesson or her bank, if not, start with less money etc. Read her a poem and don't require her to talk about it. Read it to her every morning and write it down for her. She will have the poem memorized even if she won't recite it... then start a new poem. Don't require anything from her.

As for reading, maybe you can play a game? I don't know how willing she is to play but if she enjoys it, then play a phonics game or a spelling game (such as What's GNU? or Bananagrams) Listen to SOTW in the car for exposure to history.

This will have you spending a little more time with her, but it may be worth it.

 

This way, what you will be doing is to do EXACTLY what you do on her birthday (which was brilliant by the way!): you do something without her realizing why.

[Denisemomof4]

Denise, I know you've been advised a couple of times to sit and do all of her work with her, but I wouldn't do that. I'm also an adoptive mom, and DS is much more difficult and non-compliant than my bio DD. He's also a first-grader. There are times I sit with him and do all his work with him, and first grade with him takes A LOT longer than it does with DD! Put it this way -- last week it took DD (a year younger and also doing first grade work) the same amount of time to do 3 math assignments and 2 phonics lessons as it took DS to do half of a math assignment. It's not that he's not capable -- he doesn't want to do it and fights me tooth and nail.

 

I would keep doing what you're doing, as frustrating as it is. Remind her of the consequences for her actions, and stick with those consequences. I know it feels like you're banging your head against a wall when your child knows what the consequences are, is capable of the work, but defies you just the same. Believe me -- I live it every. single. day. I'm hoping with time and consistency, it will sink in. DS is always looking for weakness in DH and I. He's always looking for the one time we'll give in to his demands out of sheer exhaustion or frustration. Don't do it, because it makes the situation so much worse! When we stay firm he eventually gives up on that behavior for awhile, and then will come back to it later looking for weakness. When we give in he just pushes harder and harder and harder.

 

One thing that has been working a bit better (at least as far as preserving my own sanity) is I no longer get mad at him. It's such a freeing feeling when you can get to that place. A lot of my frustration was coming from the amount of my time he was wasting. I would wait for him to finish an assignment which often meant that DD either had to sit there doing nothing since they're using the same curriculum, or I'd send her off to play. School was taking 6-7 hours/day for 2 1st graders. I was getting almost nothing besides schooling done each day because even if I had time to do other things (housework, errands) I was so emotionally exhausted that I didn't have the energy!

 

During the last couple of weeks, I've changed my approach. If he's honestly working and DD just finishes early, we wait for him. If he is fooling around and being difficult, we don't. He has to put his assignment away and move onto the next one. He cannot play or watch TV until his work is done. If we have a scheduled playdate or activity, he either can't go to it until his work is done, or he has to take his work with him and do it all before he can play or participate. I put it all on him and do not emotionally invest myself in the situation. If I need to attend to housework or something and he is making up work, I answer his questions and give him help when I'm at a good stopping point. If I'm busy, he needs to wait for me. I no longer cater to him and his schedule. I noticed that when I'd get angry, he wouldn't react. Now that I'm staying calm, DS is reacting. He's getting angry, frustrated, and crying when I stay calm, firm, and consistent. He usually ends up wearing himself out emotionally to the point where he'll do the work, or he'll exhaust himself to the point where he needs a nap and will either willingly or begrudgingly do his work after he wakes up. Taking his work to a scheduled playdate or activity has worked every single time. He knows I don't allow sloppy work, and I'll make him redo anything that is incorrect so both the speed and accuracy in which he completes his work in a situation like that is amazing!

 

I know it probably sounds to many people reading this that I'm a harsh, mean, homeschooling mom, but unless you've adopted a child with issues (in our case, mild FAE and sensory issues) or have an extremely defiant child you don't know what it's like. I'm hard on DS BECAUSE I love him and see all of his amazing potential. There are many times I've wanted to throw in the towel and send him to PS, but I know he would slip through the cracks. They would spoon-feed him answers because it would be easier than dealing with his behavior. If I was an aide making $9/hour and it wasn't my child, I'd probably do the same thing! I love him too much to allow all of his potential to go down the toilet. He is extremely bright, and I'm sure you see that in your beautiful DD as well. She's probably pushing you for the same reasons DS is pushing us -- she's looking for weakness. She wants to see how far she has to push before you give up on her entirely. Don't give up on her, but make sure she understands that the work is her responsibility and be firm, consistent, and non-emotional (at least with negative emotions). By teaching her this lesson, you are also teaching her not to give up on herself. I will often tell DS when he tries to turn it around on me (Why won't you let me play? Why are you being mean?) that I'm not being mean to him -- he chose not to play. If he wants to play, all he has to do is finish his work. Praise your DD when she stays on-task and puts forth a true effort, and make sure that you point out the consequences for her positive actions as well (You made a great choice to stay on task and do your work! See how much more time you have to play today? Now we have time to do X, Y, Z together!).

 

It's not easy. Believe me -- I feel your pain! :grouphug: Our kids are so worth the extra effort though!

 

 

wow - spoken from a mom who TRULY *GETS IT* because she's living it!

 

You are absolutely right in that I can not show negative emotion. I blew it when I started this thread but I haven't since, even though she completely spiraled out of control. At almost 7, her spiraling and last attempts usually invoved body "matter" for lack of a better word. I turn all of that on her, too. She has to hand wash EVERYTHING and it doesn't matter WHO is here or coming over. She messed things up, she'll clean things up no matter what. She ONLY does this when she's angry with me.

 

You are ABSOLUTELY right. I do not sit by her because this would absolutely cause more games. BTDT kind of thing. We have days where it will take her an hour to do a MUS paper, but if she wants to hurry so she can do something else, she'll get it done in 5 minutes. If I'm not sure if she's getting something, I'll tell her to do her work quickly and then we'll such-and-such. I no longer reward with treats like candy or ice cream, she learned not to do her work unless a reward was coming.

 

If we do anything for too long, she'll sabotage our efforts and then we have to find a new way of dealing with things. We're always mixing things up in that way. Just last week I bought a bag of books, HUGE box of colored pencils. SHE won't know there's a rhyme or reason to her reward system, she won't even know she's being rewarded - I will. She will earn books or one pencil at a time. "Great job, Olivia. Would you like to color? Here's a new pencil color to add to your collection!"

 

I am extremely firm and consistent with what I expect of her and what I will NOT allow. Since her games are the same games over and over, I give her no chances. She will get disciplined for each and every offense, and the HUGE ones are - body functions belong in the toilet ONLY, nowhere else. The second huge one - school. if you don't do your work, you don't get to have a yummy lunch with your sister and I - you will have an unsweetened peanut butter sandwich and go to your room for a nap after lunch so you can be better rested and do a better job in school tomorrow. ;) She did good for a couple of days, today she had to ruin it. I became firmer again recently (thanks, Jean!) after grieving the loss of my mother for a couple of months and I just let things slip so I could focus on MYSELF for once. It's only now that I can REALLY see things are starting to bother her, which is GOOD - she's on her way to doing the right thing. She ALMOST made it today, but then towards the end of her paper she started to intentionally write all her answers wrong. I had her verbally give me the answers, then QUICKLY write them down (she dawdled for hours) then she had her lunch early and went to her room crying - WHICH IS HUGE. She really doesn't want me to know anything I do is bothering her, but after a ROUGH week last week, then a good weekend, and now today she's had another pb sandwich and room time, I fully believe tomorrow will be a good day. The more good days we have, the more she wants to have and the less she will play her games. I know the pattern now. ;) I can see the upswing is NEAR!

 

One thing I'd like to suggest to you is that perhaps you can structure your ds's day for him. Maybe start out with 20 minutes of fun play, then do the school work, and let him know what he will do when he's done. I got geoboards and books for my daughter (during "school" hours we only allow certain play) play foam, stencils, coloring books - mostly educational, books for her to make animals out of our pattern blocks, legos, etc.! Our kids need the therapeutic play of something like playdoh, but playfoam is NOT messy so I allow this in our house and she has time with it most days, educational play. My daughter thrives in a highly structured day, and we're almost in our full swing of things!

 

I'm sorry you have it rough, too. It's so tough and sometimes I wish I didn't have to be so firm - but honestly, she absolutely NEEDS it.

:grouphug:

Edited October 5, 2009 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree: and I had to laugh about making his letters 2 inches tall because that is exactly what my son would do!

 

Denise,

:grouphug: I'm sorry that your dd has that dx. I've read posts from you before and my heart just breaks for your entire family.

 

I don't have a child with RAD so I really can't give you much advice but I agree with what someone else had said: Do some work orally. Don't give her paper.. read her a chapter from a living math book. Give her some coins to keep for math. If she can add up the coins, she may keep them for the next lesson or her bank, if not, start with less money etc. Read her a poem and don't require her to talk about it. Read it to her every morning and write it down for her. She will have the poem memorized even if she won't recite it... then start a new poem. Don't require anything from her.

As for reading, maybe you can play a game? I don't know how willing she is to play but if she enjoys it, then play a phonics game or a spelling game (such as What's GNU? or Bananagrams) Listen to SOTW in the car for exposure to history.

This will have you spending a little more time with her, but it may be worth it.

 

This way, what you will be doing is to do EXACTLY what you do on her birthday (which was brilliant by the way!): you do something without her realizing why.

 

well, she's a BIG part of the reason (the MAIN reason) why I switched to MUS and AAS - I teach my older daughter, she watches. She's SO smart and I hear the two of them playing, sometimes they play school, and I know she's "getting" it. I do want her to do well on her work, however, because I do year end testing.

 

We have a blast with science and history, she LOVES doing these and I expect SO much less of her. We have fun spending time together, it's just that I can't sit with her for seatwork - that's when she'll start her games. I'm ALWAYS in the same room (to make sure she's writing on her PAPER and nothing else, to make sure she's not destroying something with her pencil, to make sure she's DOING her work, etc. ) but I'm always busy doing my own thing. That's why I spend time here during the day. ;) If she knows the work we're doing, that's all I ask. And her memory? Wow. We LOVE our fun times (reading, science, history) and I'm going to be buying phonics/educational games for her for Christmas. :D Sinxce 99% of the toys we've bought are a waste of money, we're going for a Wii this year and educational games/toys for my youngest two. She'll learn so much and not even know it. :D

 

LOVE the math/coin idea!!!

 

I started to have her answer orally today, this was a huge help!

 

Thanks so much!

[Lovedtodeath]

The difficulty of her work doesn't matter. She will intentionally do everything wrong, even if it's challenging.. One thing I will NOT do is sit by her side as she does it all. The games would only pick up.

I don't know... Most of us teaching a six year old do sit right with them and help them with each thing they do. I really want to encourage you to try it. What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? It could work. It sounds like she is trying to get your attention.

 

Check out Joann'es site. goybparenting.com

ETA: I answered before reading. I am glad that you have found a solution.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't know... Most of us teaching a six year old do sit right with them and help them with each thing they do. I really want to encourage you to try it. What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? It could work. It sounds like she is trying to get your attention.

 

Check out Joann'es site. goybparenting.com

ETA: I answered before reading. I am glad that you have found a solution.

 

I have done that with my other kids. I know you're trying to help and understand but honestly, unless you have a RAD kid yourself, it's truly impossible to understand what's going on. I hope I don't offend, but adoptive parents who have kids with issues really understand far better because most of the time they've dealt with the same issues themselves. RAD kids are some of the hardest kids to parent.

 

I *DID* sit with her last year and it prolonged the games. It was absolute torture. She DOES get attention, POSITIVE attention during reading, history and science as I mentioned above. But her seatwork - I pretend like I'm not looking. It's the ONLY way it will work. She used to just scribble all over her entire page. Thankfully she's not doing that anymore. She's doing her paper, I'm within a few feet of her on the laptop, looking through other curricula, or preparing the next lesson. As I said, we ARE altogether, but I am not watching everything she's doingd ONLY with math and phonics. It would absolutely set her up for failure to watch her, and I'm sorry I can't explain it better.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't know... Most of us teaching a six year old do sit right with them and help them with each thing they do. I really want to encourage you to try it. What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? It could work. It sounds like she is trying to get your attention.

 

Check out Joann'es site. goybparenting.com

ETA: I answered before reading. I am glad that you have found a solution.

 

Guess what Carmen? I answered your post without seeing the little green portion of your response. :ack2:

[Lovedtodeath]

I have done that with my other kids. I know you're trying to help and understand but honestly, unless you have a RAD kid yourself, it's truly impossible to understand what's going on. I hope I don't offend, but adoptive parents who have kids with issues really understand far better because most of the time they've dealt with the same issues themselves. RAD kids are some of the hardest kids to parent.

 

I *DID* sit with her last year and it prolonged the games. It was absolute torture. She DOES get attention, POSITIVE attention during reading, history and science as I mentioned above. But her seatwork - I pretend like I'm not looking. It's the ONLY way it will work. She used to just scribble all over her entire page. Thankfully she's not doing that anymore. She's doing her paper, I'm within a few feet of her on the laptop, looking through other curricula, or preparing the next lesson. As I said, we ARE altogether, but I am not watching everything she's doingd ONLY with math and phonics. It would absolutely set her up for failure to watch her, and I'm sorry I can't explain it better.

Not offended in the least. :grouphug:

[kwg]

I have done that with my other kids. I know you're trying to help and understand but honestly, unless you have a RAD kid yourself, it's truly impossible to understand what's going on. I hope I don't offend, but adoptive parents who have kids with issues really understand far better because most of the time they've dealt with the same issues themselves. RAD kids are some of the hardest kids to parent.

 

I *DID* sit with her last year and it prolonged the games. It was absolute torture. She DOES get attention, POSITIVE attention during reading, history and science as I mentioned above. But her seatwork - I pretend like I'm not looking. It's the ONLY way it will work. She used to just scribble all over her entire page. Thankfully she's not doing that anymore. She's doing her paper, I'm within a few feet of her on the laptop, looking through other curricula, or preparing the next lesson. As I said, we ARE altogether, but I am not watching everything she's doingd ONLY with math and phonics. It would absolutely set her up for failure to watch her, and I'm sorry I can't explain it better.

 

 

My child does not have RAD nor is he adopted. And I am not trying to be stupid or offend you :grouphug:

 

I am glad you are in a rhythm now that is working for you both. I was wondering-if this current system does not work out- if you have looked at 'outsourcing' the phonics and math...like the computer idea? Seems like if her behavior is there to push your buttons and you could take yourself out of the equation maybe (???) she would just do what needed and be done with it? It would not be for everything as I understand it, just those 2 subjects. Also, the whole situation sounds so stressful-really? a rule about what goes in the toilet for a 7 year old? - that I was wondering if you get any time away....support on a regular basis.......anything!?

[Cammie]

:grouphug:

 

I had never heard of RAD before reading your post. For anyone interested in learning more - this is a good site : http://www.radkid.org/ After reading it I could begin to understand the challenges you are facing. You are doing an amazing thing by raising and loving this child in spite of the challenges. I am so grateful that there are people in this world who have been given the gift of raising the most difficult children - the ones that need love the most. Hang in there!

[Denisemomof4]

My child does not have RAD nor is he adopted. And I am not trying to be stupid or offend you :grouphug:

 

I am glad you are in a rhythm now that is working for you both. I was wondering-if this current system does not work out- if you have looked at 'outsourcing' the phonics and math...like the computer idea? Seems like if her behavior is there to push your buttons and you could take yourself out of the equation maybe (???) she would just do what needed and be done with it? It would not be for everything as I understand it, just those 2 subjects. Also, the whole situation sounds so stressful-really? a rule about what goes in the toilet for a 7 year old? - that I was wondering if you get any time away....support on a regular basis.......anything!?

 

yes, it's TRULY what I want - to have her do the work on the computer. It's a possibility, but we'd have to buy another computer first. She'd DEFINITELY break my kids computer. My boys are in high school and NEED it for their schoolwork. It's still a possibility, but I want to try the next year or two, if things improve, to give it my all. I'm not ready to give up yet. By 3rd or 4th grade if the games remain, I'm going to have to try the computer. Heck, I may have to do that next month, I'm just not accepting that yet. We had a pretty good pattern last year and I'm hopeful we'll get there again. Our lives were completely disrupted for awhile and I'm REALLY trying to keep us on a NORMAL schedule now - one she'll thrive on. One we'll ALL thrive on, but I really do this for her.

 

you know, I'm VERY unhappy about her issues with the bathroom, but since I know she ONLY does this to upset me, I show absolutely NO emotion and make her clean absolutely everything herself. I am SO thankful that this happens on average once or twice per year. Last week was horrid and out of character but I don't think it will last.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug:

 

I had never heard of RAD before reading your post. For anyone interested in learning more - this is a good site : http://www.radkid.org/ After reading it I could begin to understand the challenges you are facing. You are doing an amazing thing by raising and loving this child in spite of the challenges. I am so grateful that there are people in this world who have been given the gift of raising the most difficult children - the ones that need love the most. Hang in there!

 

wow! You brought me to tears!!!

 

I have to correct you. I do NOT have a gift to raise a mentally ill child. In fact before we got her I told dh I could handle ANYTHING but mental illness. I was fully open and wanting to adopt a physically or mentally handicapped child, dh was not. But we DID get a mentally ill child. It's SO hard. Both my siblings are mentally ill. Between the three of them, some days I feel totally and completely drained. But I do what I can because I am ABLE to - they are not. I'm NOT gifted but I am trying my hardest. I've made a LOT of mistakes, but most of those were due to my having NO idea what was going on. I never even heard of attachment issues before. I'm, getting there.

 

Thanks so much! :grouphug:

[Cammie]

Gosh, you have really been dealt a full deck! I am not very "religious" (as per the standards on this board :tongue_smilie:) however sometimes I do see a greater purpose in lots of things. Can it really be a coincidence that a person with two mentally ill siblings was gifted a mentally ill child? I just have to believe that it was the universe placing that child in the home that would serve her best. Not many people could do what you are doing. I couldn't. You are doing your best to make the best out of a heartbreaking situation. That is all that is required of you and you are clearly fulfilling that requirement and then some! I will really be sending good vibes your way (and to your dd too!) Thank you for also sharing the good moments you have with DD. I think it is so easy to get lost in the difficulties. I wish you many, many more of those kind, gentle, happy moments!

[Lizzie in Ma]

In first and second and even now, occasionally in 3rd, my little one would work happily in my lap. I even did most of the writing for her in 1st and 2nd.

Why? Because her little mind worked much faster than her little hands could write and if I wrote for her, she was free to simply think and answer.

Now, in 3rd, she is much more capable of lengthy writing alone and cheerfully does her work.

[Denisemomof4]

In first and second and even now, occasionally in 3rd, my little one would work happily in my lap. I even did most of the writing for her in 1st and 2nd.

Why? Because her little mind worked much faster than her little hands could write and if I wrote for her, she was free to simply think and answer.

Now, in 3rd, she is much more capable of lengthy writing alone and cheerfully does her work.

 

as is common for most adoptive mothers with kids with severe issues, I am tired of defending myself. Unless you have a RAD child, you just don't understand.

 

Because I love her, because I want to protect my sanity, because I want to live in harmony in the home and not disrupt my other child I homeschool - THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. IT WILL MOST DEFINITELY CAUSE HER TO FAIL. I want her to succeed so I won't feed into her issues surrounding school. Did I not make it clear that she's COMPLETELY capable of doing the work, she's ONLY trying to upset me by messing it up?

 

I will not be addressing any more responses that encourage me to fail my daughter. I will NOT sit by her side and watch her do her math or phonics because I, as her mother, know that is the absolutely worst thing I can do for her. For all who don't understand, so be it.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Dear Denise,

 

I've been silently following this discussion, and my heart goes out to you.

 

I do NOT have a gift to raise a mentally ill child. In fact before we got her I told dh I could handle ANYTHING but mental illness. I was fully open and wanting to adopt a physically or mentally handicapped child, dh was not. But we DID get a mentally ill child. It's SO hard. Both my siblings are mentally ill. Between the three of them, some days I feel totally and completely drained. But I do what I can because I am ABLE to - they are not. I'm NOT gifted but I am trying my hardest. I've made a LOT of mistakes, but most of those were due to my having NO idea what was going on. I never even heard of attachment issues before. I'm, getting there.

 

 

I have had significant exposure to emotionally ill children, mentally ill people and personality disordered adults. For this reason, I too would say that mental illness is the one thing that I would find extremely difficult to cope with. People think I'm unkind to say this, but only if they haven't been there. I sympathize with you, because I have been there.

 

I think you are wise to set your daughter up with lessons on the computer. She can't emotionally manipulate the computer. Unfortunately, there's a very high probability she will damage the computer to get to you. How does she treat her own possessions? If she has her own computer, will she destroy it?

 

There is a lot of advice written about how to get kids with RAD to stop lying. I hate to pass this advice on to you, because I suspect that you've probably read it all and tried most of it. If you're interested in reading some of this, I'll send you links. I think the lying is a major issue. You're right to avoid placing her in contact with gullible people. Frankly, most people are gullible when it comes to the type of lying emotionally ill children and personality disordered adults engage in. If you can possibly correct or mitigate the lying problem, then it would be easier to get outside help for her other issues.

 

Support from other adults in the community could really lighten your load.

 

Please don't get discouraged.

[Twinmom]

:grouphug:, Denise.

 

I've not read through the whole thread yet...just the first and last pages, but I had to stop here and just send you a hug. I can say with confidence that I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you! I, too, am home schooling an adopted child with attachment issues (amongst several other issues including SPD) and I am SO often misunderstood, judged, blamed, given well-meaning but ill-informed advice, etc. It hurts. So much so, in fact, that there are many days I'd like to just shut all the doors and windows and just keep my family away from everyone. Before I read your post, I was sitting here by the computer discussing just that with my DH! You are right when you say that unless someone has walked in your shoes, your situation is impossible to fully understand. Even with the similarities in our situations, I can't and wouldn't ever say that I completely understand your child and the choices you face. I can only say that I hurt with you.

 

As far as well-meaning but ill-informed advice goes, I try to let it be like water off a duck's back. Most opinions fall into this category, save the few that are intentionally nasty or judgemental. Those whom I trust and whose opinion I value get listened to and their opinion weighed, but roundly ignored if they just don't get it. Unless you've walked in my shoes, it's impossible to understand. I'm the only mom this kid has got, I know her best and understand her difficulties better than anyone...I've got to make the choices I feel are best for her. No one else can walk this path for me.

 

Want to vent? PM me anytime and I'll just listen without offering advice. I've learned to be good at that. ;)

[TravelingChris]

:grouphug: I don't have any adopted children and my own children don't have this. I can't begin to advise you but I can pray for you. I am sorry.

[Twinmom]

Oh, you've had some terrific advice from some moms who've really been there! I really enjoyed reading through the thread and have stored up some of the advice for myself! Who knew that there were so many moms in similar situations on this board...moms with good, practical advice to offer. I feel supported just reading their posts of support to you!

 

I particularly like the posts that focus on setting limits while disengaging. I try to do that with my daughter as well. There are some things we do together (math is one for us, because she has a tendency to panic with numbers due to her SPD), others that I insist she do herself because engaging her would become a game. Rewards and limits must be dispassionately applied so as not to be sucked into the manipulation. I, too, am the focus for her games because I'm the "stand-in" for the mom who abandoned her. My job, especially with school right now, is to balance offering her love and attention at appropriate times with dispassionately enforcing the rules for behavior. She has a list of chores...I don't get involved with their completion (she's completely capable of doing what is asked) but DO withhold allowance if they aren't completed. I hand back work done sloppily or deliberately below her abilities and state that it must be redone or she will not have afterschool privileges (friends, TV, extracurricular activities, etc.). No hand-wringing, no sitting beside her and babying her through it, just a dispassionate "this is what is expected of you, I will not allow you to sell yourself short. I believe in you...I insist that you believe in yourself."

 

DD consistently tries to require my hand-holding or to try to get away with a lower level of work than she is capable of doing. If I feed into it, we'd be sitting there for hours with DD trying to yank my chain all the way along. So, it's a balancing act of lavishing love, attention and lots of unconditional acceptance whenever possible with demanding she live up to her potential, period. Tough love, tough to do, draining on mom but necessary.

 

Hang in there, honey. God would not ask you to do a job that He didn't think you could handle! He's got your back. :D