How do you tell a kid to go away?

[JWSJ]

How do I politely tell a neighborhood kid to leave my son alone (forever)?

 

The kid keeps ringing our doorbell asking if ds8 can play in the street. He has no adult supervision and wanders. His behavior, in general, is less than desirable. We've mentioned a few times that our son is busy, but the kid doesn't get it. He is probably around 9yo.

[Rosie_0801]

Tell him you are sorry, but you don't let your son play in the street. Alternatively, you could take his persistence as a hint that he needs company and invite him in. If he's that lonely, it won't take you too long to train him to abide by your rules, since the alternative is leaving.

 

Rosie

[mazakaal]

You know what, I don't think you can do it politely. Any 9yo will most likely take it very personally if you say that you don't want your 8yo to ever play with him and stop coming over. It could all go very wrong if he goes home and tells his mom or dad about it. A 9yo just doesn't have the maturity to deal with that sort of conversation. If I were you, I'd just keep telling him that your 8yo isn't available and eventually the 9yo will give up. It may take some time, but it's better than just completely crushing his spirit. Even if he has undesirable behavior, he still has feelings. Please don't tell him that you don't ever want him to come around again.

[JWSJ]

If he's that lonely, it won't take you too long to train him to abide by your rules, since the alternative is leaving.

 

Thanks

 

Ds8 and the kid have played in the yard, but eventually he leaves due to breaking the rules.

 

But, he keeps coming back again and again. It's the same everytime.

[JWSJ]

Even if he has undesirable behavior, he still has feelings. Please don't tell him that you don't ever want him to come around again.

 

We'll need to move then. :glare: I don't think he'll quit.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Do you live in my neighborhood? Because I have that neighbor kid across the street! Very persistant (or clueless,) and not so good behavior. Here's an actual conversation:

 

Him: Can M come out and play?

Me: No, we're eating dinner right now.

Him: Well, and I just sit on your couch until he's finished?

Me: No.

Him: Can I just sit on your porch?

Me: No.

Him: Can I go upstairs and play with his legos?

Me: No.

Him: Well, can I use your bathroom?

Me: (irritated) No, but your house is right across the street....you can use the one in there.

 

When I told my sisters about him, they felt bad for the kid and thought maybe there was something bad going on at his home. Then they met him and decided that no....the kid was just annoying.

 

 

Neighborhood politics is always a challenge. I've wanted to do what the OP said many times, but I know he's just a kid. He'll make a very good used car salesman someday.

 

Didn't mean to hijack yoru thread. I guess misery loves company!

[elegantlion]

I don't know but I think some form of honesty is needed here. My ds is dealing with a similar situation but from the other side. His friend in the neighborhood and him have drifted apart. (I'm pretty sure it's just changing friendships not that my son did anything) Anyway he kept going to his friends and asking to play and they gave him excuse after excuse. I felt pretty sure they were blowing him off, but he was clueless that it was rejection and kept going over hoping one day the kid would not be busy.

 

It took all summer before the truth came to light and my ds has been devestated. We've explained that friendships change and even asked the parents if something had happened between them. Had they been more honest up front it might have saved him some heartache.

 

However, in a situation where you don't know how a parent might support that level of honesty I'd tell him your ds is not allowed to play on the weekdays. Maybe that would cut down on his coming over.

[lgm]

The kids usually sort that out themselves by being blunt. Around age 9 they have the words to get rid of the users and the ones who can't get along.

[unsinkable]

"Please don't come to our house ever again. We don't ever want our son to play with you."

 

"We don't like you. We don't like your behavior or your personality. We don't think you will ever change or mature."

 

/sarcasm off

 

I would set up very strict parameters so the kid can play for a short amount of time.

 

"Neighbor, my son can play hockey in the driveway for 30 minutes. Then you will need to go because we are busy for the rest of the day. I want both of you to remember the house rules & how to treat each other."

[JudoMom]

How do I politely tell a neighborhood kid to leave my son alone (forever)?

 

The kid keeps ringing our doorbell asking if ds8 can play in the street. He has no adult supervision and wanders. His behavior, in general, is less than desirable. We've mentioned a few times that our son is busy, but the kid doesn't get it. He is probably around 9yo.

 

When we first moved in, we had a persistent kid. I finally told him that he would know if my boys could play because they'd be in the front yard. If they weren't out there, he shouldn't bother ringing the bell because they were busy.

[Harriet Vane]

You know what, I don't think you can do it politely.

 

Even if he has undesirable behavior, he still has feelings. Please don't tell him that you don't ever want him to come around again.

 

:iagree:

 

Honestly, an annoying, lonely kid with behavior issues is the one who needs an extra cup of kindness.

 

I also like Unsinkable's advice to set up short, supervised times to play. Your kindness to him will go a long way in his heart, and he could probably benefit from the coaching from you about interacting kindly and obeying the rules. A half hour or an hour here or there isn't much to give.

 

I live in a very, very challenging neighborhood and some of my neighbors' kids are pretty rough. I have never, ever regretted extending them kindness. We have been here ten years--the kids have learned to stay off my porch if I'm not there, not to throw litter on my yard, and not to swear while visiting us. Yes, they are often annoying and challenge boundaries. But they are also funny and sweet and have done their best to treat us well.

 

We really saw the fruits of our kindness one year when dd's bike was stolen. Dd was so upset. The neighborhood kids combed the neighborhood until they found Dd's bike. They then came and told dh where the bike was, and dh went to the guilty party's house to get the bike. He had a man-to-man talk with the thief--dh was very firm but also kind, and the thief was honestly ashamed (a result I don't think would have happened if dh hadn't been gentle). We were and are touched by the care our block showed dd in the incident.

[Tess in the Burbs]

and the last time he beat on my door for 10 minutes screaming, "I know you are in there" I flung open the door and told him to ring the bell once, wait 10 seconds and if we don't answer to go away!!!!

 

and he's only shown up once since then and my son looked right at him and said, "I don't want to play right now". The kid left and went away.

 

He still shows up when we play outside but I can't keep kids from the street, so we tolerate him. He wants attention.

 

just keep saying you don't want to play. and maybe with school back in you will see him less???

[Beebalm]

Structure might help. He might learn something that will be helpful to him, or he'll run away quickly to find an easier target. Just say that your son is doing chores but that you know he'd be glad to have an assistant. Then put a broom/rake/dustrag/etc. in his hand. You probably won't have to do it more than once.

[lionfamily1999]

You know what, I don't think you can do it politely. Any 9yo will most likely take it very personally if you say that you don't want your 8yo to ever play with him and stop coming over.

I don't think age has much to do with it. Most people would take it personally if you said you didn't want them to come over... I mean, it is personal, not exactly a case of 'it's not you, it's me.'

 

 

If it means that much to the op, then don't even worry about his feelings. Of course, they're going to be hurt, no matter how you put it. Tell him straight up and be prepared for the rain of fire and brimstone when his parents find out how you feel.

[AuntieM]

Sheesh, that kid gets around! Here's what I told him this summer:

 

(Big smile) "DO NOT ring my doorbell anymore. If M can play, you will see him outside."

 

Of course that had to be repeated every other day. I confess it was easier to do since I found out in May that they would be moving at the end of July. Honestly, I would have had to march across the street and have a talk with his mama if they would not have relocated.

[OnTheBrink]

I know this kid! He used to come around when my son was in 4th grade.

 

Boy: Can I come in and play with your son?

 

Me: No, we're getting ready to leave.

 

Boy: When you coming back?

 

Me: I don't know, we have some things to do.

 

Boy: What things? I need to know so I can tell my mom when she can go to the store. (translated: My mother wants you to babysit me so she can shop).

 

Me: We'll be back when we're back. When we do get back, DS will have things to do, so he can't play then. Sorry.

 

To make matters worse, the mother came over a few times, concerned with how upset her son was because my son rarely played with him. Ds just didn't care for the boy; he was pushy and demanding. The mother felt that because her son wanted to play with mine, mine should do it, no questions asked. It was a tense situation!

 

Eventually, we moved.

[TwinMominTX]

Honestly, an annoying, lonely kid with behavior issues is the one who needs an extra cup of kindness.

 

I also like Unsinkable's advice to set up short, supervised times to play. Your kindness to him will go a long way in his heart, and he could probably benefit from the coaching from you about interacting kindly and obeying the rules. A half hour or an hour here or there isn't much to give.

 

I live in a very, very challenging neighborhood and some of my neighbors' kids are pretty rough. I have never, ever regretted extending them kindness. We have been here ten years--the kids have learned to stay off my porch if I'm not there, not to throw litter on my yard, and not to swear while visiting us. Yes, they are often annoying and challenge boundaries. But they are also funny and sweet and have done their best to treat us well.

 

We really saw the fruits of our kindness one year when dd's bike was stolen. Dd was so upset. The neighborhood kids combed the neighborhood until they found Dd's bike. They then came and told dh where the bike was, and dh went to the guilty party's house to get the bike. He had a man-to-man talk with the thief--dh was very firm but also kind, and the thief was honestly ashamed (a result I don't think would have happened if dh hadn't been gentle). We were and are touched by the care our block showed dd in the incident.

 

What a nice post. :)

[QuirkyKapers]

Wow- I am glad to see that that kid isn't just visiting my neighborhood That explains why sometimes I have a day off! :)

 

Someone told me they read in Family Fun to make a door hanger for the front door. The gist was to have the one side indicate, please leave us alone (in a nicer way than that) and the other side indicate you were free.

Thought that was interesting. I guess the person has used it and found that is has worked.

[Moni]

How do I politely tell a neighborhood kid to leave my son alone (forever)?

 

Just like that.

 

Johnny can't play.

Johnny can never play with you.

If you need something, need an adult, need food, water, there's a fire, you need a doctor, police, [whatever is your tolerance...], you can knock on my door and I'll try to help you. Me, not Johnny.

 

But do not come see whether Johnny can play later today.

But do not come see whether Johnny can play tomorrow.

But do not come see whether Johnny can play next week.

 

(...Offer scenarios, and the instruct him not to do the scenarious you are restricting....)

 

If he still comes to play

Ask him,

 

Is there a fire?

Is your grandmother home? did she fall, is she breathing? is there a fire

Then why are you here?

What did I say about asking Johnny to play.

And what are you doing now.

What should you be doing instead.

Are you going to ask him to play again?

Really?

So next time you want Johnny to play, what are you going to do instead?

Really?

Okay. Good. Did you have lunch? When was the last time you ate? What did you eat? Okay. Good. Time for you to leave. Good-bye. Smile/wave

 

Take charge of the conversation. Don't be led astray by the clever topic-changer :lol:

 

:seeya:

[Moni]

I know this kid! He used to come around when my son was in 4th grade.

 

Boy: Can I come in and play with your son?

 

Me: No. [i owe no explanation to a 9 year old]

 

To make matters worse, the mother came over a few times, concerned with how upset her son was because my son rarely played with him. Ds just didn't care for the boy; he was pushy and demanding. The mother felt that because her son wanted to play with mine, mine should do it, no questions asked. It was a tense situation!

 

Yup. Nod sympathetically, and consider whether she is 'really asking' any question. Usually not. If not, I don't 'answer' :lol:

 

:seeya:

[unsinkable]

:iagree:

 

Honestly, an annoying, lonely kid with behavior issues is the one who needs an extra cup of kindness.

 

I also like Unsinkable's advice to set up short, supervised times to play. Your kindness to him will go a long way in his heart, and he could probably benefit from the coaching from you about interacting kindly and obeying the rules. A half hour or an hour here or there isn't much to give.

 

I live in a very, very challenging neighborhood and some of my neighbors' kids are pretty rough. I have never, ever regretted extending them kindness. We have been here ten years--the kids have learned to stay off my porch if I'm not there, not to throw litter on my yard, and not to swear while visiting us. Yes, they are often annoying and challenge boundaries. But they are also funny and sweet and have done their best to treat us well.

 

We really saw the fruits of our kindness one year when dd's bike was stolen. Dd was so upset. The neighborhood kids combed the neighborhood until they found Dd's bike. They then came and told dh where the bike was, and dh went to the guilty party's house to get the bike. He had a man-to-man talk with the thief--dh was very firm but also kind, and the thief was honestly ashamed (a result I don't think would have happened if dh hadn't been gentle). We were and are touched by the care our block showed dd in the incident.

 

You rock. :D

[SwimmyKids]

I haven't read the whole thread, but my first reaction is to allow them to play with each other, supervise until you're comfortable, and always give and demonstrate kindness, appropriate behavior, and warmth. Maybe this neighborhood kid will respond well to the extra attention and he and your son will become good friends.

 

You have the opportunity to demonstrate to both children respect and empathy even if in the short run it takes up some of your time.

Edited September 10, 2009 by SwimmyKids
stoopid grammar error

[Jan in SC]

I hope that one day your child is not on the receiving end of this treatment. We (this board) have so many posts about ...how do I find friends...I'm lonely...I feel bad for my child, as he/she has no friends- it really saddens me that adults will behave this way.

 

For all the annoying issues this child has, he met your child and saw something special about him to want to be his friend. I hope your son continues to find people like this in his life!

[Irene Lynn]

Ds8 and the kid have played in the yard, but eventually he leaves due to breaking the rules.

 

But, he keeps coming back again and again. It's the same everytime.

 

Personally, I think I would have a heart to heart talk with him. I'd let him know that I was frustrated at his lack of cooperation with our house rules. I would make sure, again, that he understood them clearly. Then if he needs to be sent home again for breaking the rules, he would not be able to come back for a couple or three days. If he asked to come again sooner, then it would the time would be lengthened, etc. I would let him know that I don't tolerate my own children paying no attention and I would treat him like my own. I would be happy to have him come play, if he thinks he can cooperate with us. If he is sent home for poor behavior, I also might ask that he also needs to apologize for not listening before he can come back. Something along those lines. I would also show disappointment that I was forced to send him home.

 

I have had a few opportunities to work with kids like this and if done in a loving way that says I WANT them to be able to come, but I must be consistent with them AND my children, they still tend to come back. After a couple of times that I have to send them packing due to their own behavior, they were happy to know that someone was actually in charge. My rules were always for the safety and kindness of everyone. Once they saw that the same rules applied to everyone and were as firmly in place to protect them, they ate up the parenting and family life at our home. Some of these kids are just waiting for people to say what they mean and mean what they say and do it with love. If the child WILL NOT listen, then they will not be back, but they will know why and it won't be because they are rejected one. more. time.

[phathui5]

What rules is he breaking? Have you tried talking to his parents about it?

[unsinkable]

I haven't read the whole thread, but my first reaction is to allow them to play with each other, supervise until you're comfortable, and always give and demonstrate kindness, appropriate behavior, and warmth. Maybe this neighborhood kid will respond well to the extra attention and he and your son will become good friends.

 

You have the opportunity to demonstrate to both children respect and empathy even if in the short run it takes up some of your time.

 

You rock, too.

[unsinkable]

I hope that one day your child is not on the receiving end of this treatment. We (this board) have so many posts about ...how do I find friends...I'm lonely...I feel bad for my child, as he/she has no friends- it really saddens me that adults will behave this way.

 

For all the annoying issues this child has, he met your child and saw something special about him to want to be his friend. I hope your son continues to find people like this in his life!

 

You also rock.

[KingM]

Now that I'm an adult, I never regret the times I made friends with socially awkward, poor, or intellectually challenged children in my church, neighborhood, or school. I do, however, regret times I felt too embarrassed or too superior to associate with another child.

 

You and child might be a positive influence in this child's life.

[Jazzy]

:iagree:

 

Honestly, an annoying, lonely kid with behavior issues is the one who needs an extra cup of kindness.

 

I also like Unsinkable's advice to set up short, supervised times to play. Your kindness to him will go a long way in his heart, and he could probably benefit from the coaching from you about interacting kindly and obeying the rules. A half hour or an hour here or there isn't much to give.

 

 

Yep.

 

Not everyone has a loving home to go home to, and it is nice to extend kindness when possible.

[Moni]

If the child WILL NOT listen, then they will not be back,.

 

Thus the Original Question, was my understanding.

How to tell them not to comback. ;)

 

:seeya:

[Jazzy]

Now that I'm an adult, I never regret the times I made friends with socially awkward, poor, or intellectually challenged children in my church, neighborhood, or school. I do, however, regret times I felt too embarrassed or too superior to associate with another child.

 

You and child might be a positive influence in this child's life.

 

:iagree:

[SonshineLearner]

Wow, I'm thinking how nice it is that you have so many friends for your son (and you) that you don't want/need this one. My kids would love to have another friend to play with, even if I needed to play "recess mom" with them. We live in a neighborhood where kids play, speaking spanish, and my child is left out. He wants to play...but can't understand them. And, the one ps kid across the street, each time they play... I have to go over the rules. (Even when my son sometimes plays over there.) (My other three children have no friends in the neighborhood...)

Carrie

[Mabelen]

Personally, I think I would have a heart to heart talk with him. I'd let him know that I was frustrated at his lack of cooperation with our house rules. I would make sure, again, that he understood them clearly. Then if he needs to be sent home again for breaking the rules, he would not be able to come back for a couple or three days. If he asked to come again sooner, then it would the time would be lengthened, etc. I would let him know that I don't tolerate my own children paying no attention and I would treat him like my own. I would be happy to have him come play, if he thinks he can cooperate with us. If he is sent home for poor behavior, I also might ask that he also needs to apologize for not listening before he can come back. Something along those lines. I would also show disappointment that I was forced to send him home.

 

I have had a few opportunities to work with kids like this and if done in a loving way that says I WANT them to be able to come, but I must be consistent with them AND my children, they still tend to come back. After a couple of times that I have to send them packing due to their own behavior, they were happy to know that someone was actually in charge. My rules were always for the safety and kindness of everyone. Once they saw that the same rules applied to everyone and were as firmly in place to protect them, they ate up the parenting and family life at our home. Some of these kids are just waiting for people to say what they mean and mean what they say and do it with love. If the child WILL NOT listen, then they will not be back, but they will know why and it won't be because they are rejected one. more. time.

 

 

I completely agree with your approach. This is what I was going to suggest. The child's own behavior dictates whether he is able to play or not, he has no one else to blame. If he shapes up, he'll play, otherwise, bybye!

[unsinkable]

Now that I'm an adult, I never regret the times I made friends with socially awkward, poor, or intellectually challenged children in my church, neighborhood, or school. I do, however, regret times I felt too embarrassed or too superior to associate with another child.

 

You and child might be a positive influence in this child's life.

 

Time to start a rock band! Great post.

[AuntieM]

My goodness, I feel the need to defend my earlier reply.

 

The kid that rang our doorbell most of the summer was a diagnosed, medicated, antisocial child with a history of bullying classmates with no consequences, killing small animals and shooting at neighbor kids with his airsoft gun. Albeit not all the pesky neighbor kids are like this, but... well, some are...

 

I appreciate the many "extend the cup of kindness" replies, but I also believe that sometimes, to protect my own, I have to BE the rock.

[Irene Lynn]

Thus the Original Question, was my understanding.

How to tell them not to comback. ;)

 

:seeya:

 

Yes, it was. I was not sure from the OP, if the primary reason they wanted him to stay away was because of his behavior. If it was, then if this helped to improve it, that would be good and if it didn't, then the child has already heard that he will not be welcome back, but it will be the child's choice. (sort of :) ) Then, if the child comes back, he can be told, "we have already discussed this. Hope you have a good day."

[jplain]

Does your son have any interest in playing with him?

If so, short supervised play sessions with clear rules might be a very good solution.

If not, when he comes to the door you can say, "Let me check with him...no, I'm sorry, he doesn't want to play right now."

[Tree House Academy]

I think your ds needs to tell him he is not interested in playing if, in fact, he isn't interested.

 

My son has befriended a really *rough* kid lately and whenever they are together, they stay right with me. At the ball field, this kid comes to the place we are sitting and will sit down and talk to my son rather than my son running all over the place with this kid. It has worked out nicely as I can supervise and this child gets some interaction.

 

That said....

 

Anyone consider that it is possibe the OP's neighbor kid is NOT pitiful, un-cool, or has a hard life? In that case, would your advice be different. What if he is a kid like my ds - my ds has ADHD and can be very, um, hard to deal with at times. This shows in behavior at home, but also in behavior toward friends. We are not poor, he has not had a hard life (went through divorce when he was 3 and has had same step-dad since he was 4...he is now 10). He has a good relationship with step-dad, smart kid, good in school, very handsome.....but his OWN behavior is often the issue when other kids push him away. I let him learn from those experiences. I would NEVER want someone to make their kid play with my kid. *shudder*

Edited September 10, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[AuntPol]

Sigh.

 

We have a similar situation except with a mean girl. This is not a girl who just wasn't taught bounderies, special needs, lonely kid, etc. She was just plain mean in the mean girl kind of way. After a year of my daughter getting in trouble because of the friction and the other two neighbors always getting in trouble because of actions taken by this girl, listening to all the drama that had one comment element, and talking to her repeatedly about her actions (all she smiles mockingly at me and denies doing what I had just witnessed), etc. I told my child that she could not play with that child until I talk to her parents. So of course, my child immediately went to her other friends and told them she wasn't allowed to play with so and so (with the parent talking part) and they told her so she's never come back over. I feel really bad because she is still a child (9 yo) but it is so nice not to have the drama.

 

But really, when is the magic cut-off of "he/she is just a child that needs someone to reach out" and "he she is a bully and my child is not their doormat?"

[unsinkable]

I want to share where I am coming from:

 

We know a kid like this.

 

The kid's dad ended his own life a few years ago.

 

When the kid comes over, we do the best we can for as long as we can.

 

There is probably a lot more to the story than the OP posted but based on what she did post, I'd still do what I originally suggested. And I still think that everyone who said they'd try to befriend the child rocks.

[Soph the vet]

:iagree:with unsinkable. We have a boy in our neighborhood who comes over quite a bit. His mom is in treatment, his dad is equally messed up but trying. He plays by our rules and is OK with that. He attends the local ps and yet he has told my ds8 twice that ds is "his only friend", not like "best friend...ONLY friend". That breaks my heart.

To the OP: you have an opportunity here to impact a young life for good or for bad forever. He is 9, right? Don't give up on him. You might just be the only adult who hasn't and he will always remember that. He might even turn out to be a well-adjusted contributing citizen because of your actions someday.

Just sayin'.

[Impish]

We have a neighbourhood kid that we've had to ban from our home. We've repeatedly caught her cursing around the littles, bossing them around, bossing Diva around, bullying...the list goes on.

 

Her home life isn't great. Her parents both work nights, she's completely unsupervised during the day, buy her every material good known to man, allow her to dress (imo) provocatively, date, (she's only 12) and I've heard her bragging (via my open bedroom window, she didn't know anyone was around) how she gave her bf oral.

 

I *tried* to extend myself to this child. Had her in our home, helped cook, etc. I caught her teasing and bullying Tazzie in our home. She's called Wolf and I fning b**tards, etc.

 

I'm done extending myself. Bad company corrupts, and I'm not willing to have my children corrupted.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Rosie_0801]

But really, when is the magic cut-off of "he/she is just a child that needs someone to reach out" and "he she is a bully and my child is not their doormat?"

 

The magic cut off moves. It depends on the people management skills of the adult involved, it depends on the people management skills of the adult's child, it depends on the annoying kid's potential, it depends on the annoying kid's willingness to be moulded, it depends who cares enough to put in the work, it depends on how much sleep the adult has had and whether s/he has the energy to deal with anyone at all...

 

I was in guides for years and was working in people development kinds of ways since I was about 8. Some kids take a loooooong time to get through to, I can remember working on one annoying kid and it taking oh, five years, to see the smallest of improvements! I've worked with bossy kids who, with a bit of direction, become the most wonderful kids ever. I've also met kids who are snots and interested in staying that way... The mean girl Impish mentioned definitely falls into that category! It's not so hard to see the difference between a kid who is wilfully horrible and a kid who is annoying because they their socialisation training is, er, still in progress...

 

Rosie

Edited September 10, 2009 by Rosie_0801

[myfunnybunch]

(translated: My mother wants you to babysit me so she can shop).

 

Ooo, we had that neighbor. Her kids would come over saying, "My mom wants me to play here." She'd call TWO HOURS later (they were 4-5ish and 7-8ish at the time) and say "I can't find M & K. Are they are your house?"

 

To the OP, She had annoying kids too.

 

I think we were the only people in the neighborhood who consistently let the kids play at our house. (New families were delighted that there were such friendly kids to play with. It usually lasted for about 3-4 weeks. The kids went through dresser drawers, climbed on roofs, made tremendous messes, and more.) I quickly let go of the idea that we should be "nice" to our guests. I was just as firm--firmer--about house rules and boundaries and sent them home over and over again. I wanted to tear out my hair. And still I let them come back.

 

Fast forward ten years.....the dd in that family, the girl who never left, who came to the door too late or too early, who ended up accompanying us on numerous grocery trips and family outings because her family left without telling us, who called incessantly, who challenged the rules, who came into our house when we weren't home, who had selective hearing of the worst degree....is my oldest dd's best friend. She has grown up into a funny, creative young woman and a loyal and supportive friend with appropriate behavior and a genuinely special relationship with my daughter. She is welcome in our home any time.

 

Not saying that will happen in your case, by any stretch. I am saying that I will never regret extending kindness, however grudging it was at the time, no matter how irritating she and her brothers were. I would NEVER have predicted this outcome. (And I mean that....the most ungracious part of me predicted a DIRE future for those children.) I am so grateful that every time I thought of telling them not to come back I bit my tongue.

 

Not saying that's your solution, the best in your situation. I'm sharing it because I was in similar straits, and this is the outcome of the way we decided to handle it.

 

Cat

[lionfamily1999]

This thread has really hit a chord with me in a not-so-good way. I think my kid probably *is* the one annoying the Mom across the street.

 

My two ds play together well, are well behaved (according to other adults not just me :D), and are not odd, mistreated, or socially backwards. That said, they get bored with only each others' company. They are constantly asking to visit the neighboring homeschoolers -- 3 boys -- house. And I let them go over. They need the physical activity and companionship.

 

9 times out of 10, they are sent home.

 

It has gotten to where I will not let them go over any more, as much as it breaks my heart. I'd rather say NO than have them face constant rejection. And what makes it more sad is that mine are always so hopeful that maybe today will be the day they are allowed to play.

 

So, I say to the OP, this is a child. A child has feelings. You are the adult. Act accordingly.

:grouphug:

 

Too bad you don't live here, our door is nearly always open (sometimes we leave the house).

[Moni]

Bad company corrupts, and I'm not willing to have my children corrupted.

This is what I thought we were talking about from the beginning.

Once we are to this point............... ;)

:seeya:

[elegantlion]

This thread has really hit a chord with me in a not-so-good way. I think my kid probably *is* the one annoying the Mom across the street.

 

My two ds play together well, are well behaved (according to other adults not just me :D), and are not odd, mistreated, or socially backwards. That said, they get bored with only each others' company. They are constantly asking to visit the neighboring homeschoolers -- 3 boys -- house. And I let them go over. They need the physical activity and companionship.

 

9 times out of 10, they are sent home.

 

It has gotten to where I will not let them go over any more, as much as it breaks my heart. I'd rather say NO than have them face constant rejection. And what makes it more sad is that mine are always so hopeful that maybe today will be the day they are allowed to play.

 

So, I say to the OP, this is a child. A child has feelings. You are the adult. Act accordingly.

 

:iagree:I posted earlier than my ds was in a very similar situation. My son is very literal and doesn't understand that the legitimate reasons he was getting on daily basis (I can't play because I'm doing chores, reading, leaving soon) were only a cover for "I don't like you anymore" or "You can't play here".

 

Shari, you dc would be welcome at my home. :grouphug:

[calandalsmom]

We have a neighbourhood kid that we've had to ban from our home. We've repeatedly caught her cursing around the littles, bossing them around, bossing Diva around, bullying...the list goes on.

 

Her home life isn't great. Her parents both work nights, she's completely unsupervised during the day, buy her every material good known to man, allow her to dress (imo) provocatively, date, (she's only 12) and I've heard her bragging (via my open bedroom window, she didn't know anyone was around) how she gave her bf oral.

 

I *tried* to extend myself to this child. Had her in our home, helped cook, etc. I caught her teasing and bullying Tazzie in our home. She's called Wolf and I fning b**tards, etc.

 

I'm done extending myself. Bad company corrupts, and I'm not willing to have my children corrupted.

 

 

Have you called CPS? Because the child needs help not to be called names.

 

Im more than flabbergasted that you would call a 12 yo talking about sexual promiscuity "bad company" when chances are good abuse or neglect are involved.

Edited September 11, 2009 by calandalsmom

[Denisemomof4]

if this was happening to me, I would sit the kid down without my kids present and tell the kid what's bothering you. Tell him that he's welcome in your home or welcome to play with your kid of conditions XYZ are met. Hopefully he'll listen. Kids love rules and i doubt this kid has any. Some kids respect me more than their own parents because I run a tight ship. I'm more fun than most parents because I get down on a kids level quite comfortably :D but I'm old school when it comes to manners, respect, kindness, morals, character.

 

I think this could turn out to be a tremendous teaching opportunity for you, and what a blessing to make a difference in the life of a child. It could have a lifelong impact on him.

 

If, on the other hand, he ends up not respecting what you say, then it's time to reconsider. But I'd lay down the law up front in a kind and respectful way and give him a chance. I've had to deal with the most difficult woman in the world for 6 years now simply because I felt her daughter needed me. Nobody can confront her, but I do so in love and she is openly thankful for my input. NOT easy for a person who usually gets anxiety over confrontation, but hey...... I've done it and I'm SO glad I have.