I would appreciate some advice

[Only me]

My 17 year old dd is on a pom pon squad at her christian high school. Last summer practices started off pretty rough. The coach was very mean to the girls. Another mom approached me (who happens to be a teacher at the school). She was also upset by the way the teacher was treating the girls. We both tried talking to the coach (after our girls had tried talking to her) but she wouldn't listen. The teacher convinced me to even talk to administration. I know that the person I spoke with kept our conversation confidential but afterword the coach only treated the girls worse. My dd trudged through summer practices and things were somewhat better during the school year. The biggest competition is in August so the coach is her worst over the summer. It is a huge commitment that takes up most of her summer. Starting in a week they will have 4-5 hour practices 5-6 times a week. Right now they have practice 4 times a week.

 

My dd really enjoys dance and performing at the football and basketball games so she decided to try out for the team again this year. She felt that things would be better this year. She made the squad and a few days later I ran into the coach. All the coach could say is how wonderful my dd did. A few weeks later when summer practices began she started to tell dd how awful she was. She has called all of the girls lazy and a waste of time. She accuses dd of not trying her hardest. DD goes to practice an hour early just for extra practice. She went to every practice and game last year and hasn't missed a practice this summer. All of the other girls on the squad have missed at least one day of practice this summer. Many have missed several days due to vacation and one girl even missed almost 3 weeks.

 

We are leaving for vacation tomorrow and arranged to leave right after practice at 11:00. Two days ago the coach changed her mind and said that she wanted to have a double practice on Thursday. Dd told her that we are leaving for vacation at 11:00. We are also going with another family so this isn't flexible. Today she told my dd that she better convince the other girls to do a wonderful job on Thursday, otherwise dd would be late for her vacation.

 

I've talked to a few other parents. Their daughters have also come home crying from practice. My dd has the ability to do well but because she is worried about making mistakes she is starting to have some trouble. DD is known for her flexibility but since she is so tense during practices her muscles are tense and her flexibility is way down. She is also in a lot of pain because she is doing stunts with tense muscles.

 

Because my dd is 17 I wanted dd to be able to handle this but after talking to other moms we all feel the same way. The girls are terrified of their coach. None of the girls will speak up because she will even be harder on them.

 

At this point I really don't know how to advise dd. Poms doesn't end until the end of March so this is along term commitment. At this point my dh wants her to quit (even though we have always told our children that if they join something that they need to finish it). At this point though we feel that her coach is a bully and her behavior is inappropriate, especially for a christian school. (I haven't even said a lot of the things she had said to the girls). My dd doesn't want to down the other girls on her squad but she is truly miserable and feels so helpless.

[gardening momma]

You need to talk to administration again and don't let it go until they do something.

[eternalknot]

Has the squad any ideas on how to collectively handle the situation? It seems like enough participants (and parents) are in agreement that the situation is out of control ... this might be a good (if somewhat painful) lesson on learning appropriate assertiveness, and the weighing of options in a difficult situation.

 

It's a question only your daughter can answer for herself, but is the squad worth all of the outside drama and pain? If she is very involved or competitive, it might be (to her) - in which case, she needs to accept the situation for what it is, the coach for what SHE is, and plow forward knowing the commitment she is making (and hopefully learning how to deflect much of the coach's misdirected frustrations). If your daughter decides that pom now takes more out of her than she gets out of it, ... it will be a hard good-bye, but it's an option to consider. Either alone, or collectively with the other squad members.

 

Perhaps the team can call a meeting, with or without parents there, to discuss concerns with the coach. Or if they fear repurcussions, maybe a written letter signed by all and delivered by a spokesperson (parent or student). It's an opportunity to teach empowerment, and also a life lesson that you have to decide which hills to fight (and maybe die) on. The girls fear more repurcussions, and it's easy to see why (!) but that's a gamble they have to decide to take if they want to reclaim their squad. Or it's a realization of the situation they'll have to accept, if they are unwilling to take any risks.

Edited July 15, 2009 by eternalknot

[Only me]

Quite honestly the other girls are afraid to talk to the coach too. They are actually afraid of her. One of the girls had the stomach flu last week and had to miss one practice. The coach was furious with her. Another had her wisdom teeth out and was out longer than expected because of an infection. She was also furious with her. These girls are terrified of her because knows how bad she will treat them.

 

Last year a girl quit the squad. She did it at the end of the year and while I agree it wasn't the best time to quit (right before a competition) I don't agree with the way the coach handled it. She talked bad about her to all the other girls and convinced many of them to hate her and treat her bad. I think all of the girls are worried that if they speak up that the coach will do that to them too. Even the parents I spoke to don't want to talk to the coach for fear it will make matters worse for their daughters.

 

My dd loves dancing and really enjoys the girls on the squad and performing at the games. She doesn't really like the competitions. The coach has always said that it wasn't about the competitions but of course this isn't true.

[Remudamom]

Man up and tell her in no uncertain terms she's treating the girls badly and you will not. put. up. with it. I'd insist on her resignation, even if the moms have to take over and help the girls finish. So what if you don't win the competition? The girls would have their moms backing them all the way.

 

Call it like it is. Since she's being such a b1tch somone needs to flatten her.

 

BTW, I wouldn't quit just because I think it might be worse for whoever quit. You need to steamroll that......person.

[Dawn in OH]

The girls should collectively go to the administration with their complaints. It's not a matter of one girl feeling picked on, or being hyper sensitive. She's treating ALL the girls inappropriately. This woman clearly doesn't belong working with children.

[AuntieM]

Okay, I don't want to minimize what your daughter loves, but 5 to 6 hours, 6 to 7 days a week? For a sport that cannot result in a full ride college scholarship (or perhaps y'all need to enlighten me to this new sport of professional pomming...)? I am just amazed at the expectations here.

 

I think that above all else, this coach is a very poor ambassador for a CHRISTIAN school (let alone, Christ). That should be a huge issue for administration. Unless, of course, they are more interested in racking up trophies than in character development.

 

As far as that Thursday practice, I'd do an email or phone text campaign and have every parent agree to show up and whisk away her (or his, send the dads and see what happens!) child promptly at 11 am. If all the girls know to leave at the same time, they may feel a bit of "solidarity" and the coach may get the message. Invite the principal over to witness the possible blowing-of-the-stack.

[Karen sn]

Man up and tell her in no uncertain terms she's treating the girls badly and you will not. put. up. with it. I'd insist on her resignation, even if the moms have to take over and help the girls finish. So what if you don't win the competition? The girls would have their moms backing them all the way.

 

Call it like it is. Since she's being such a b1tch somone needs to flatten her.

 

BTW, I wouldn't quit just because I think it might be worse for whoever quit. You need to steamroll that......person.

 

hmmm hummmph!

I agree.

[Only me]

This woman clearly doesn't belong working with children.

 

She was the spanish teacher last year and several times told the students how much she doesn't like kids. Great for a teacher?

[katemary63]

Joint meeting with girls AND parents and school administration. With that many voices, action would be taken quickly. Be willing to meet also with coach, admin AND girls and parents. You have to be willing to say it in front of everybody so coach can't deny things because there will be several other witnesses there. Then, girls together should demand another coach. If this coach remains in position, my DD would quit. I would not let her continue in this kind of abusive stress. Life's too short.

 

BTW: quiting because the coach is abusive is okay. It's not the same as quiting because your lazy or uncommitted.

[Melinda in VT]

Joint meeting with girls AND parents and school administration. With that many voices, action would be taken quickly. Be willing to meet also with coach, admin AND girls and parents. You have to be willing to say it in front of everybody so coach can't deny things because there will be several other witnesses there. Then, girls together should demand another coach. If this coach remains in position, my DD would quit. I would not let her continue in this kind of abusive stress. Life's too short.

 

BTW: quiting because the coach is abusive is okay. It's not the same as quiting because your lazy or uncommitted.

 

I don't think the girls can really "demand another coach." From what I remember about coaches when I was in high school, it's generally a thankless job. Lots of extra work involved, little to no extra pay. I doubt people are lining up to coach.

 

That said, I agree that quitting because the coach is abusive is not the same as quitting because you are lazy. In fact, I would probably insist that my daughter quit. (Actually, after last summer I never would have let her try out for this year.)

[OhM]

Joint meeting with girls AND parents and school administration. With that many voices, action would be taken quickly. Be willing to meet also with coach, admin AND girls and parents. You have to be willing to say it in front of everybody so coach can't deny things because there will be several other witnesses there. Then, girls together should demand another coach. If this coach remains in position, my DD would quit. I would not let her continue in this kind of abusive stress. Life's too short.

 

BTW: quiting because the coach is abusive is okay. It's not the same as quiting because your lazy or uncommitted.

 

This advice is great. And abusive is the correct word - not "tough", "strict" or even "mean". This is well beyond that.

 

And a Christian school, no less. That lady needs to get her priorities straight, and the kids should not be subjected to her.

 

Too bad you can't rent out Remudamom!

[Danestress]

.

Edited July 15, 2009 by Danestress

[Karen sn]

And you pay this Christian school to set this example?

Confused and amazed that more parents are not demanding something be done.

Money talks. Period.

[Remudamom]

She's right. It is abusive and not to be tolerated.

 

BTW, I'd love to bring a cam and film her butt. Then trot it on over to the local tv station, or maybe youtube. Yeah, I know that's petty, I actually don't have a problem with it.

[Only me]

If this coach is fired or resigns there will be no pom squad. It is a small school. The eleven other girls would be crushed.

 

Even though I know for a fact that at least a few of the other girls and parents feel the same way and I'm sure that even more than that also feel the same way the abuse may be worth it to them. They don't want to speak up for fear of making matters worse. They wouldn't want the coach to quit or for her to be fired.

 

Another problem is that dd doesn't want to let down her team. My dh and I have tried to explain that her coach is the one letting the team down. DD has put forth 110% effort. The problem is that camp is in two weeks and there is competition at the camp. If dd quits now it will mess up the formations, etc. and will cause a lot more work for the other girls. If dd sticks with it until after camp then they have to get ready for another competition (the biggest of the year) 2 weeks after that. They would still be counting on dd. For dd to just hold out until after that competition (for the rest of the girls sake) wouldn't really make sense because that will mean another month of having to deal with this coach. Most likely after school starts things will settle down a bit until the next competition.

 

I'm also starting to believe that the coach is having mental difficulties. (I don't know of how to put it) DD emailed her last night but the coach told her that the email didn't go through. I called the coach 2 hours ago and she didn't return my phone call. I want to talk to her before tomorrow because we are leaving. I ended up sending her an email and discussed some of this with her. I sent it to her school email and also another gmail account that she supplied us with last year and have corresponded with me several times on. I just got back an angry email saying that she doesn't want me to use her personal email. I told her that I only used it since apparently she wasn't getting emails on her school account. Then she sent an email to dd replying to the email she sent last night (the one that she apparently never received). She completely changed everything. Today she told dd that they would have to perform perfectly at the practice or that dd would have to leave late for her vacation. She made it clear that dd wouldn't be leaving practice at 11:00. Now this is what she told dd:"like I told you yesterday, if you can't stay after 11:00 you can just come early to practice on Monday". DD would be more than happy to do that but the couch never told her that before or gave her that option.

[Danestress]

I posted then deleted and reread your post to make sure I really wanted to say what I said.

 

It's really hard for me to get a feel for this. Demanding that kids be at practice seems like a normal part of running a team. It would be nice if she wouldn't be so bossy about it, but it doesn't seem like a big deal. It also doesn't seem like a big deal to say someone isn't trying her hardest. We all have times when we aren't. It's part of a coaches job to push for that last bit of effort.

 

I just can't get a feel for how bad this is. Is she saying, "You are lazy and awful." Or "Come on. Don't be lazy. Get this right - you are wasting my time." I hear coaches say that all the time. I don't like personal putdowns, but applying a little pressure is part of coaching. No biggie. Something these girls can learn to handle, as most boys do in their coaching experiences.

 

But I get the feeling from your post that the total picture is looking really bad to you. So I guess you have to decide. How bad is this? I honestly can't tell. I wouldn't base it entirely on what the girls are saying. I think you parents need to ask to be allowed to attend practices, and I would attend ALL of them for a while. If my child were coming home crying, I would want to figure out whether she was being a drama queen who was sleep deprived, or whether she was really being mistreated.

 

If you are really truly sure that this is an abusive coach and you are CERTAIN that this would violate any reasonable person's ideas of good coaching, you need to take action or mentor your daughter to.

 

It seems like no one is really willing to push this issue. The girls are crying and scared and willing to vent to Mom but not actually do anything to make their situation better. This would be a great chance to teach these girls to stand up for themselves. That may require being willing to quit the team or to have conflict with the teacher or administration or to band together and have a united front. That might be a great experience for them someday, though, when they have an abusive boss. As hard as a Pom squad coach might be on them, it's nothing like the power a boss might have someday. Do you want your daughter to put up with abuse at work and say, "But if I protest, he will fire me?"

 

Likewise, the mothers could do something. You could band together, you could confront the teacher, you could insist on attending every practice, you could let the administration know that you consider this abuse and are documenting every move. If you have to sacrifice something else in order to attend practices, do it. If they tell you that you can't, I'd fight that one tooth and nail.

 

You could also remove your daughters from the team and tell them that no activity is worth this abuse. As much as they love Pom Pom squad, someday they might like a guy even more. Are you going to want them to stay in an abusive relationship because of the good moments? If you have enough information to really determine that you think this coach is abusive, then you have a daughter in an abusive relationship. How would you want her to handle that when she's 30 and the abusive person supports her financially? Do you want her to feel powerful or find her in warrior?

 

This is a toughie. Maybe a week of time for reflection will help you and you will come back and have a plan.

[lionfamily1999]

Do you teach dd that it's okay to put up with abuse, as long as other people are relying on the abuser?

[Caraway]

Does the coach behave abusively when the parents are around? Could you all rotate practices so that there is always a parent present?

[CookieMonster]

:iagree: with Danestress

[Ellie]

If this coach is fired or resigns there will be no pom squad. It is a small school. The eleven other girls would be crushed.

Warning: Non-mercy person posting:

 

Life is hard and then you die.

 

Bullies only get to be bullies because no one will stand up to them. You may be tough with your students, you may push them, but you may not bully them. You may not make 11 girls cry on a regular basis. No, you may not.

 

Even though I know for a fact that at least a few of the other girls and parents feel the same way and I'm sure that even more than that also feel the same way the abuse may be worth it to them. They don't want to speak up for fear of making matters worse. They wouldn't want the coach to quit or for her to be fired.

 

Come on. All the parents want someone to verbally abuse their dc? I am gobsmacked.

 

Another problem is that dd doesn't want to let down her team. My dh and I have tried to explain that her coach is the one letting the team down. DD has put forth 110% effort. The problem is that camp is in two weeks and there is competition at the camp. If dd quits now it will mess up the formations, etc. and will cause a lot more work for the other girls. If dd sticks with it until after camp then they have to get ready for another competition (the biggest of the year) 2 weeks after that. They would still be counting on dd. For dd to just hold out until after that competition (for the rest of the girls sake) wouldn't really make sense because that will mean another month of having to deal with this coach. Most likely after school starts things will settle down a bit until the next competition.

Your dd's integrity is admirable, but it's misplaced, and you, as her parent, need to give her better direction.

 

I'm also starting to believe that the coach is having mental difficulties.

And you want her to be in charge of your dc?

[Sara R]

Does the coach behave abusively when the parents are around? Could you all rotate practices so that there is always a parent present?

 

Or, if you opt not to do anything now, could you at least start the process, either by organizing parents, or collecting evidence in a low-key way? Keeping a log? Or is it possible/legal to use a digital audio recorder or video recorder in a low-key way? That way if the behavior escalated, or if you decided to act, you'd have your ducks in a row.

[Kathy in MD]

Have you and the other parents realized that you are training your dd's to accept whatever abuse a future boyfriend or husband might deal out? And women often are killed in the more violent situations,

 

This situation is not a momentary blip that can be brushed over. It's across the board. And the parents are not only allowing the coach to intimidate their dd's, but also to intimidate them, the parents. How will the dd's learn to draw the line and get out of a bad relationship before it gets out of hand with this example their parents are setting?

 

I'm all for letting teens make decisions, but this one needs the parents to step in and stop it NOW. Ideally you could talk to the other parents and let them see it from this viewpoint. Ideally you could also face the administration as a group to tell them either the coach goes, or we go in mass. But if you can't, you need to get your dd out now. Let her know that to stay in that situation may be setting her up to accept abuse later in life. And let her tell her friends this.

 

I haven't read all the other posts, so it might have been mentioned already.

[happi duck]

Have you and the other parents realized that you are training your dd's to accept whatever abuse a future boyfriend or husband might deal out? And women often are killed in the more violent situations,

 

This situation is not a momentary blip that can be brushed over. It's across the board. And the parents are not only allowing the coach to intimidate their dd's, but also to intimidate them, the parents. How will the dd's learn to draw the line and get out of a bad relationship before it gets out of hand with this example their parents are setting?

 

I'm all for letting teens make decisions, but this one needs the parents to step in and stop it NOW. Ideally you could talk to the other parents and let them see it from this viewpoint. Ideally you could also face the administration as a group to tell them either the coach goes, or we go in mass. But if you can't, you need to get your dd out now. Let her know that to stay in that situation may be setting her up to accept abuse later in life. And let her tell her friends this.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Carol in Cal.]

...as an observer, and organize other parents to do the same. That way I would see exactly what was going on, and I'll bet that the teacher would behave better knowing that parents were there, watching. I would try to avoid the appearance of spying--maybe just casually mention that you're stuck in the area that day, so you brought along a book to read so you can catch up. Maybe even leave for a little bit, and come back markedly early.

 

Stepping back a bit, it really concerns me that the atmosphere in this school sounds so toxic. Is it maybe time to investigate other Christian high schools in the area? Schools develop their own cultures, and I have not been at all impressed with anything you have written about this schools culture in the last year. Maybe you would do better to move your DD to a different placement--after all, you have other children, too, and finding a better school will benefit all them over time.

[DesertDweller]

My son was on a roller hockey team a number of years ago. One year he had a coach that, while perhaps doing what he thought was best, was quite lacking when it came to good coaching skills and working with youth. At one of the games he cussed my son out for something. (Can't remember what it was now.) My son had already been upset by the coaches behavior, but this was the final straw. He told the coach he quit and left the bench to find us.

 

Now, we teach our children to stay with things and to show respect to adults, but we don't teach them to tolerate continual abusive or poor behavior towards them. The behavior and comments of your daughter's coach are completely out of line. If they can't find anyone else than perhaps it's time to do without a pom squad. I wouldn't allow my child to go back, and I know that my dh would be in the front office or on the phone wanting some answers.

 

We went to the owner of the facility when we had the problem with the roller hockey coach. He was dismissed. Turns out there had been other complaints from other parents, and he wasn't willing to change his conduct.

 

I really believe you set a far better example when your children see you deal with a situation like this than continuing to tolerate it, which to me implies that it's okay.

[katemary63]

Do you teach dd that it's okay to put up with abuse, as long as other people are relying on the abuser?

 

:iagree: I think the fact that the other kids, who are not willing to put thier own well being over a competition, will be "let down" or put out is just too bad. ( not sarcastic, honestly, it's too bad) I wish it weren't so, but you can't let that stop you or your daughter from doing what's right. I just don't allow people like this in my life or my kid's lives. I say, either do something to stop it, or get out. Those are your choices. This coach is nuts. You can't reason with her. And to continue to allow your kid to be exposed to that kind of person is not right, in my opinion. Just because the other parents aren't doing the right thing, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Pom Pom Squad? For goodness sakes, it's just not THAT important! You say your kid is crying, stressed, tense, in pain, etc. How is that worth Pom Pom team? Sure it's a shame that your DD can't be on pom pom team and have a great, fun, healthy time. That would be ideal. But that option is not available to you unless another coach is found and you have said that is not going to happen. So....quit. And tell this "lovely woman" exactly why and tell the other girls exactly why. Let the coach bear the reasponsibility for having the team messed up right before a meet. I honestly don't mean to sound harsh. But this is just a no-brainer to me based on what you have written.

[katemary63]

Find someone else. Until this person is fired parents need to attend practice. If necessary bring a recorder. Either she will start being a good coach because someone is watching, or she will be on tape for the abusive person that she is.

 

There is never a reason good enough to allow children to be abused. even if the children and other parents are ok with this.

 

Yes, of course. We should have said this first thing. Until something does change, go and watch. BE THERE. The coach has got to get the message then!

[lionfamily1999]

:iagree: I think the fact that the other kids, who are not willing to put thier own well being over a competition, will be "let down" or put out is just too bad. ( not sarcastic, honestly, it's too bad) I wish it weren't so, but you can't let that stop you or your daughter from doing what's right. I just don't allow people like this in my life or my kid's lives. I say, either do something to stop it, or get out. Those are your choices. This coach is nuts. You can't reason with her. And to continue to allow your kid to be exposed to that kind of person is not right, in my opinion. Just because the other parents aren't doing the right thing, doesn't mean you shouldn't. Pom Pom Squad? For goodness sakes, it's just not THAT important! You say your kid is crying, stressed, tense, in pain, etc. How is that worth Pom Pom team? Sure it's a shame that your DD can't be on pom pom team and have a great, fun, healthy time. That would be ideal. But that option is not available to you unless another coach is found and you have said that is not going to happen. So....quit. And tell this "lovely woman" exactly why and tell the other girls exactly why. Let the coach bear the reasponsibility for having the team messed up right before a meet. I honestly don't mean to sound harsh. But this is just a no-brainer to me based on what you have written.

If Mom has not been attending practice, then she does need to attend. I have to say, normally I can remain cool and calm, but the first time an adult uses abusive language in regards to my children... cool and calm leave the tri-state area. It wouldn't be quitting at that point... it would be Mom spitting mad utterly destroying any ties dc has to that

 

Teaching your dcs that it is OKAY to quit, especially in cases where abuse is present, is a GOOD thing. How many people remain in dead-end jobs under horrible bosses that treat them like s---, because they were taught NOT to quit. Look around and see if you can find a similar program offered elsewhere. Even if the team is not as high in the standings, you'll be teaching your children that it's better to be treated well and happy, than to win under a tyrant.

[Chris in VA]

This would so get my momma-bear back up. I think I'd have to attend practice, but I would want to catch the coach in the act of bullying--that's probably not a good thing.

I would ask the administration to fire her, but film her first (even if you had to use a hidden camera) to provide evidence that doesn't come directly from the girls.

Yes, you'd have to tell the girls the pom squad is disbanded; I'd make sure they knew it was because of the coach, not because the girls complained.

ITA with everyone who said the example being set for the girls is that abuse is ok.

[Starr]

Her self esteem is really at issue here. You might need a wee bit o family counseling along the way. My dd finally quit a church group do to bullying by other girls. It was awful. She was accused of causing the bad treatment, not being forgiving... It took a good year of prayer and counsel to pull her together. To put up with abuse is just not ok! We are with you.

[MotherMayI]

I had a similar situation with my college basketball coach. She was inconsistent, verbally abusive, (which often lead to abuse of power with punitive sprints etc.) and out of control. I was 20 years old and my mother still confronted my coach on her behavior. I feared retribution- so I didn't have the courage to confront her myself. Later in the season our entire team met with the Athletic Director and spilled our guts. As we were meeting with him, our coach passed the office and saw us all. We were terrified. Thankfully our AD supported us. The coach resigned. We later learned that she did have some mental health issues. I had a full scholarship- but had the coach stayed I would have gone.

 

I would absolutely be attending practices and video taping. If she questions you, tell her that your daughter would like to see herself performing so she can work on her weaknesses. If you can get the other parents on board, call a meeting with the administration and with the coach to share your concerns. I highly doubt this coach can change how she coaches- she needs to go. If your daughter decides to call it quits, she should meet with the administration to share why she left a sport that she loves.

 

Maybe the team does not have to be sacrificed if the coach leaves. I have coached sports (cross country!) that I had absolutely no experience in when my principal asked me to. Perhaps there will be a teacher out there who will step-up.

 

Best wishes.

[WishboneDawn]

I don't see the problem.

 

The coach is using her position of trust to abuse children. You and the other parents need to protect your kids not simply because that's what parents do but also to show the girls that that kind of treatment is unacceptable no matter who is the abuser whether a coach, employer or boyfriend.

 

I would definitely not leave this to the girls to deal with. Right now they need to be protected, period.

[hillfarm]

First, no more unsupervised practices with this coach. Ever. If she doesn't like it, tough. Does she also teach? I'd check into what is going on in that classroom also.

 

Second, video or document in written form exactly what is going on. Doesn't matter to me whether it would stand in a court of law or not. You are not taking it to court, just to the school's administrators. If it is that bad and you can only write it, have a second parent go along and sign off as a corroborating witness. This will help you evaluate whether the problem is typical teen girl drama or whether this coach is really out of line. Show it to a trusted friend and ask if they think you have something to be upset about.

 

Third, talk to a sympathetic teacher and see if you can get someone else lined up to "coach" the team if the Beast gets sacked. In reality, the girls can probably coach themselves and just need a coach in name only to finish out the year.

 

Fourth, as was mentioned, it is unlikely that this is the first time the administrators have heard about this. Are they in the habit of letting people like this work with their students? Are similar things happening in other groups or classrooms? I would check this very closely. Bosses who will hire and permit abusive teachers to harm students are just as bad as the abusers themselves. The place may be rotten from the top down.

 

And finally, no one would tell me what I would be doing with my child or when I would be starting my vacation. I would tell her, "I'm sorry, we seem to be having a bit of a problem communicating here. My child WILL be leaving practice at 11:00 and she WILL not be punished for it in any way. Or we WILL be discussing it with the school's administration and my attorneys. Are we clear on this?"

[katemary63]

 

And finally, no one would tell me what I would be doing with my child or when I would be starting my vacation. I would tell her, "I'm sorry, we seem to be having a bit of a problem communicating here. My child WILL be leaving practice at 11:00 and she WILL not be punished for it in any way. Or we WILL be discussing it with the school's administration and my attorneys. Are we clear on this?"

 

Exactly! Word for word!

[Ruby]

I posted then deleted and reread your post to make sure I really wanted to say what I said.

 

It's really hard for me to get a feel for this. Demanding that kids be at practice seems like a normal part of running a team. It would be nice if she wouldn't be so bossy about it, but it doesn't seem like a big deal. It also doesn't seem like a big deal to say someone isn't trying her hardest. We all have times when we aren't. It's part of a coaches job to push for that last bit of effort.

 

I just can't get a feel for how bad this is. Is she saying, "You are lazy and awful." Or "Come on. Don't be lazy. Get this right - you are wasting my time." I hear coaches say that all the time. I don't like personal putdowns, but applying a little pressure is part of coaching. No biggie. Something these girls can learn to handle, as most boys do in their coaching experiences.

 

But I get the feeling from your post that the total picture is looking really bad to you. So I guess you have to decide. How bad is this? I honestly can't tell. I wouldn't base it entirely on what the girls are saying. I think you parents need to ask to be allowed to attend practices, and I would attend ALL of them for a while. If my child were coming home crying, I would want to figure out whether she was being a drama queen who was sleep deprived, or whether she was really being mistreated.

 

If you are really truly sure that this is an abusive coach and you are CERTAIN that this would violate any reasonable person's ideas of good coaching, you need to take action or mentor your daughter to.

 

It seems like no one is really willing to push this issue. The girls are crying and scared and willing to vent to Mom but not actually do anything to make their situation better. This would be a great chance to teach these girls to stand up for themselves. That may require being willing to quit the team or to have conflict with the teacher or administration or to band together and have a united front. That might be a great experience for them someday, though, when they have an abusive boss. As hard as a Pom squad coach might be on them, it's nothing like the power a boss might have someday. Do you want your daughter to put up with abuse at work and say, "But if I protest, he will fire me?"

 

Likewise, the mothers could do something. You could band together, you could confront the teacher, you could insist on attending every practice, you could let the administration know that you consider this abuse and are documenting every move. If you have to sacrifice something else in order to attend practices, do it. If they tell you that you can't, I'd fight that one tooth and nail.

 

You could also remove your daughters from the team and tell them that no activity is worth this abuse. As much as they love Pom Pom squad, someday they might like a guy even more. Are you going to want them to stay in an abusive relationship because of the good moments? If you have enough information to really determine that you think this coach is abusive, then you have a daughter in an abusive relationship. How would you want her to handle that when she's 30 and the abusive person supports her financially? Do you want her to feel powerful or find her in warrior?

 

This is a toughie. Maybe a week of time for reflection will help you and you will come back and have a plan.

 

I second this opinion. The mama bear claws come out and my mind starts spinning about all of the things that I think are happening. My daughter is a competitive gymnast and we have had a lot of tears and frustrations dealing with coaches and pressure and hormones etc. So I agree. BUT...Be sure you have the facts. Your daughter is probably right, but I have learned that things may sometimes not be how they seem. So do what you need to do to get the facts. Visit practice, etc. If you feel abuse is going on takes steps to have her removed. Especially if this is a paid coaching position. Is there a handbook of appropriate behavior for both the girls ad the coach. We had to sign one for gymnastics. If your kid is being bullied and mistreated go to the administration and take care of it. The team can find a replacement coach or volunteer. It will not be the end of the world. These things will work out.

[Ruby]

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And finally, no one would tell me what I would be doing with my child or when I would be starting my vacation. I would tell her, "I'm sorry, we seem to be having a bit of a problem communicating here. My child WILL be leaving practice at 11:00 and she WILL not be punished for it in any way. Or we WILL be discussing it with the school's administration and my attorneys. Are we clear on this?"

 

Let me hear an Amen!

[Haiku]

I would remove my daughter from the squad and tell the school that it's because the coach does not treat the young women respectfully. I removed my daughter (who is 14) from an afterschool program this year because the teacher who ran it was rude and belittling to the the kids. I spoke with the principal of the school and gave him a typed list of incidents that informed my decision.

 

Tara