If your children's dreams aren't what you ever "dreamed" for them...

[Donna]

How much do you support them in finding their own way?

 

Would you attempt to guide them down a different path or attempt to modify or suggest alternatives if you thought they might not be able to support themselves following their dreams or do you just support them?

 

How much input do you expect to have in their life decisions? Do you look at yourself as a mentor, a guide, or a sounding board as your child gets older?

 

I know this is very hypothetical. My kids are young. I have just been thinking about this since my oldest is so passionate about his drums at the moment and recently began playing with a small band of older kids. He could do anything in life since he is academically very bright and very athletic as well. I was just thinking about the possibilities open to him and what choices he will make, hoping that, as his mother, I always feel comfortable supporting him (or any of my kids for that matter) fully as he makes his way through life.

 

On the accelerated learner board there was some discussion as to people thinking that so and so "wasted" their gifts or talents and maybe that got me to thinking along these lines. Everyone thought I would be a doctor when I grew up. I didn't go far from that since I am a physical therapist but rather than building my career, I chose to work as little as I can (1-2 days a week) and build my family instead. I could see that some might consider that a waste but I think being happy and fulfilled is more important. Just wondering what other's thoughts were on the topic.

[nlmullen]

Hmmmm. I've been thinking a lot about this lately too. We can certainly encourage our children to take certain paths as they get older, but they will ultimately make their own decisions and their own mistakes...this is the painful part for us. It is certain to keep me on my knees praying that God will direct them. I do know from my own life experiences that we learn primarily through suffering, so hold on tight and grab your tissues.:001_huh:

[dragons in the flower bed]

How much do you support them in finding their own way?

 

As much as I can, I think. Isn't that my job, to find out what their purpose in life is, and make clear the way?

 

Would you attempt to guide them down a different path or attempt to modify or suggest alternatives if you thought they might not be able to support themselves following their dreams or do you just support them?

 

Well, I hated that my oldest stepkid went to CC and majored in psychology. He was interested in massage therapy, and that seemed like a great career idea, a business he could get into with little debt and do from home, since he also hopes to be a SAHD someday. But he's happy and doing well in his pursuit of a master's degree for high school teacherdom, and I'd rather see him be a successful, public-university, education major than a miserable or flunking out what-I-thought-he-should-be.

 

Our business is a family business, and when you're at home you work for it. The three-year-old even helps sort merchandise. By eight kids are working the flea market tables, and at thirteen they can take over shipping for our eBay acct. So there's no way he'd ever not be supporting himself, not pulling his way. If we were supporting him, that is, if he were in our home, eating our food, he'd be working with us. And that doesn't exclude taking six months off to tour with a band, if, say, drums were his thing. I've taken that time off to have babies and the daddio's taken that time off to tour when he's had a new book out or deal with deaths in the family. The beauty of a tribal business is that it flexes to allow us all to take risks, but it never tears.

 

How much input do you expect to have in their life decisions? Do you look at yourself as a mentor, a guide, or a sounding board as your child gets older?

 

 

I expect to give them the benefit of my experience, as much as they'll listen. I still go to my dad for advice about social matters, but not so much about career issues since we have plum opposite opinions of wealth and work. I suspect at least one of my kids will go in the opposite direction again, rebelling against my ideal. They'll have Grandad to go to then, if they want mentoring. I go to my grandmother.

 

I watched my parents go through it with me. They all thought I'd be a writer, and I ended up just an anarchist rocking the tribal biz, for now, anyway. My parents still think I'm nuts to live like this, and they believe I'm wasting my talents. The only way I know this is the sadness in their voices when certain topics come up, or the way they suddenly clam up after showing my friends the magazines I was published in. If that's the kind of parent I have to be, so be it; but I think I'll be happy so long as my kids are. I want them to have an opinion and defend it; I want them to have a goal and pursue it. I want that more than I want them to share my opinions and goals. Their stubbornness gives me a perverse kind of joy.

Edited July 8, 2009 by dragons in the flower bed

[Orthodox6]

DS-#1 is 22. Some of his basic "life" choices don't make me happy at all. Some of them do. His current "plans", if plans they may be called, regarding education and jobs upset me quite a bit. My responsibility is to stay quiet, not "harp", and be there with sound advice if/when it is requested. Did this ds "waste" talents and gifts by ignoring them ? Yes.

 

Although dh and I expect some serious floundering from this ds in the realm of "practical real life", we give thanks continually because he is on the right path spiritually. He returned to the Church after a long absence. He could end up as poor as that proverbial church mouse, and as a "nobody" in society, and this would not matter one bit, because he has returned to God's care.

[Impish]

I'm not there, as my kids are still young, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep my mouth shut and support them in pursuing what dreams they have, and arms open if they need a place to fall, or pat them on the back when they succeed. There comes a point where I think its all you really can do, or risk driving them away.

[CookieMonster]

How much do you support them in finding their own way?

 

How much input do you expect to have in their life decisions? Do you look at yourself as a mentor, a guide, or a sounding board as your child gets older?

 

 

Since we're speaking hypothetically, I see myself going from guide to mentor and then sounding board. I try to look at it this way: I want my parents to be respectful of me as an individual. It grates my nerves (or did) when they tried to plan for me. Trying to please them (by looking at lucrative jobs) only delayed getting a degree in something I really loved doing and was somewhat competent at. (I'm very average.)

 

So, remembering how I want my parents to treat me, an adult, I would reach toward getting to that same place with my kids. The transistion during those late teen years could be hard - going from in-charge-Mom to Mom-the-friend. I've watched a friend handle things this way and it's wonderful.

 

Would you attempt to guide them down a different path or attempt to modify or suggest alternatives if you thought they might not be able to support themselves following their dreams or do you just support them?

 

Depending on age and circumstances I might do my best to influence them to a different path, if I thought the path they were heading down was somehow wrong. For me, income is not a primary factor in a career choice, so I would not persuade based on that.

 

However, I also would not support my kids into adulthood without specific stipulations. I do not think parents should be open checkbooks forever for their kids. My dad said 18 was it. When I hit 18 I was responsible for supporting myself. For the most part that held true, but, since I was a college student he let me stay at home rent-free for two years. Once I had my job, and I was showing myself to be a responsible adult, he let me move back in for low rent. My job was very low-paying.

 

I intend to do something similar with my kids. I won't be around forever to keep writing them checks. They need to learn to be independent, responsible adults. If they choose a low-paying career, they need to live a low-income lifestyle. I will not make them dependent on me to live a life that's bigger and more expensive than they could actually handle.

 

I get to spoil my grandkids. ;)

 

And if they choose a lucrative career, I expect some nice gifts. :) I did carry them for nine months!

 

 

On the accelerated learner board there was some discussion as to people thinking that so and so "wasted" their gifts or talents and maybe that got me to thinking along these lines.

 

I just can't think this way. Education is never a waste.

 

I cannot tell how many times I have read or watched the story of some exceptioal person's life and heard that they were a really great student - and then chose to do something that didn't pay much but greatly interested them. They're education was a great boon to them and set them apart in their field. They ended up being great, even though they were never rich.

 

If my kids are actually doing something - not sitting around mooching off of others - then they are putting their education to work. And who knows what might come of it?

[Kari C in SC]

My oldest ds joined the Army last August. I never, ever saw that for him. Honestly, he had never really talked about the military until we decided to move from FL to SC. He really didn't want to leave FL and I couldn't really blame him. It was where he grew up and everything he knew. So, we moved and he was miserable. He started really working towards joining the military. He lost a ton of weight, studied for his ASVAB test, talked to all the different branches. I really, really didn't want my first baby to go off to war. I fought with him over it. I pretended it wasn't going to happen. Then - just like the corny military commercials show - I started to listen to him. I listened to his reasons for wanting to join. We had his recruiter over twice to talk for a long time. I still wasn't thrilled with the idea, but I accepted the idea. I began to support his work towards his goal. It has been the absolute hardest thing I have done letting my baby go to be a soldier, but I am certain he made the right decision. I had to let go and just let God be in control. There are days that I miss him so much, that I just sit and cry. I worry about his safety all the time. In the end, I am so proud of him and the man he has become. You just have to do your best and then pray it all works out. Good luck to you!

[Liz CA]

Donna, what you wrote reminded me of a conversation I had some time back with my OB/GYN. She was only a few years older than I am and said to me that she knows many of her colleagues view her decision to only work half the week (she shared her practice with another MD) as wasting a very expensive education not to mention the years of rigorous academics in medical school.

 

She felt she made the right choice by putting her three children first. She even said, when they are grown, it will only take a little while for me to get back into fulltime practice and she was keeping up with every new discovery and medical technology because she was still practicing part-time.

 

As a PT, you are in a similar position. In regards to our children, I have always encouraged my son to find something he loves to do (other than video games or sleeping ) and to develop his talents in that direction. If I had a daughter I would do the exact same thing, aware that she may choose to marry and have children and that would be a priority over career goals. I don't think that education is ever wasted even if it isn't used at the moment or ever. The process that one needs to complete to get there is a path of growth and likely some discipline and that is what counts.

[Laura Corin]

I would definitely encourage the boys to work out a way to support themselves (a day job to go with the drums, for example) but would not dissuade them from their dreams. One of my brothers was in a band in his early twenties. He did a variety of jobs to support himself (being a croupier was the longest one) but in the end he went back to college and trained for a profession. I don't think that discouraging him would have been useful: he had to find his own way.

 

That said, we always talk about university as being just 'what one does next after school'. If they ever have other thoughts, we'll cope at that point.

 

Laura

[snickelfritz]

certain career paths. I'm a practical person and my first thought is....how will you use that? This aspect bothers me far more than how prestigious the choice is.

 

I have an engineering degree and used it to get my teaching certificate. A former professor expressed disappointment and said he though I would do big things. I don't care. I have multiple avenues of supporting myself and my family, or adding to our income, if something should ever happen that I needed to do so.

 

I have a pet peeve for bachelors degrees that qualify you for nothing. Even if it's not your dream job, how many of us know people who would be willing to take ANY job if they could support themselves and their family? I hear of it constantly. People who need to quickly get qualified to do something, anything....

 

 

eta: about drums...I would encourage them to think about ways to accentuate that. Maybe a business degree. They can use it to run a music store. Manage income from drum students. Manage the millions made in a band. All that stuff. Or an education degree to teach music. etc. etc. etc...

[Jill- OK]

I would definitely encourage the boys to work out a way to support themselves (a day job to go with the drums, for example) but would not dissuade them from their dreams.

 

The most current form this has taken is smiling and nodding when my oldest talks about becoming a 'star', and encouraging that dream to take the form of going to college and getting a degree in musical theatre, rather than running off to New York directly after turning 18. (Yes, that was an actual plan.)

 

That said, we always talk about university as being just 'what one does next after school'. If they ever have other thoughts, we'll cope at that point.

 

I depart from this, somewhat, in that I don't believe that college is automatically the next step for everyone...but most of the aspirations my children have necessitate a college degree, or would at least be more feasible with one. (Or will give them a better chance of providing a livelihood if the primary focus doesn't come through, i.e., having a degree can give you an opportunity to work in the world of musical theatre in another capacity, while you wait for your big break. :-)

[MamaT]

Like Kari, my second son joined the military. He had always been interested in those types of things, but also had a lot of other interests, so we really didn't see it coming. He waited three months to join after talking with dh and I per our request (time to think and pray about it).

 

It definitely is not something we wanted him to do as his parents. For him to join the Marine Corp during war time was something it took months for me to wrap my head around.

 

His education has not gone to waste. He received a medal while serving in Iraq for reorganizing supply. He is now working on organizing supply coming into A-stan with the big influx there. He has worked on a general's staff. He has finished his two year degree while serving and will get the rest when he gets out next year. He is also writing a book in collaboration with his English professor. While I worry for his safety every day, I am very proud of him.

 

My oldest son is taking his own sweet time to get through college, which is not what I would have chosen. He is a "enjoy the journey" kind of guy, while I am more the "get it done" type. He is a wonderful man and I have no doubt that he will do well. I am very proud of him as well.

 

What I have learned in letting those two do things their way, is that my role has changed into giving advice when it is asked for and supporting them in what they choose. They still seek advice from my dh and I, but we wait for them to ask. It was easier when they were toddlers (really, I'm serious).

[Laura Corin]

 

I depart from this, somewhat, in that I don't believe that college is automatically the next step for everyone...

 

I do think it's a good idea for those who are capable though, and my two boys are quite good at school.

 

Laura

[Night Elf]

The first thought that comes to mind is how I feel about my mom trying to direct my life. Ugh! I didn't like it when I was a teen and I don't like it now. She was the reason I didn't go to college after high school. We just aren't that class of people. We can't afford anything luxurious like that. It's a ridiculous dream. Those were the things she said to me. I never want to dash my children's dreams, especially since I might be as wrong as my mom was about me.

[scubamama]

I know that one day I'll probably have to face this, but now my kids are littles...

The long story short is that my dh just fulfilled his lifelong dream to launch rockets. He's a rocket scientist (but can't find the hamper!). He watched NASA stuff on TV as a little fella and said "I want to do that!" He wound up having many jobs and one failed business along the way and he never finished college...but his mix of skills got him in as part of Mission control. The launch window is open 7/13!!!! I'll be headed over to witness the big event and pretend I can understand what they're saying. I am thrilled to see the pure joy that he has from doing what he has loved for so long. So, as long as it's not illegal or immoral or too fattening I'll probably have to hold myself back in a few years from telling my kids what to do :tongue_smilie:

 

Michele

[mom4him]

How much do you support them in finding their own way?

 

Would you attempt to guide them down a different path or attempt to modify or suggest alternatives if you thought they might not be able to support themselves following their dreams or do you just support them?

 

How much input do you expect to have in their life decisions? Do you look at yourself as a mentor, a guide, or a sounding board as your child gets older?

 

I know this is very hypothetical. My kids are young. I have just been thinking about this since my oldest is so passionate about his drums at the moment and recently began playing with a small band of older kids. He could do anything in life since he is academically very bright and very athletic as well. I was just thinking about the possibilities open to him and what choices he will make, hoping that, as his mother, I always feel comfortable supporting him (or any of my kids for that matter) fully as he makes his way through life.

 

On the accelerated learner board there was some discussion as to people thinking that so and so "wasted" their gifts or talents and maybe that got me to thinking along these lines. Everyone thought I would be a doctor when I grew up. I didn't go far from that since I am a physical therapist but rather than building my career, I chose to work as little as I can (1-2 days a week) and build my family instead. I could see that some might consider that a waste but I think being happy and fulfilled is more important. Just wondering what other's thoughts were on the topic.

My main goal if that my dc have and will develop a relationship with their Heavenly Father.

As far as what they do professionally I want them to enjoy whatever it is that they do. I believe that my older 3 have accomplished this and it is what I want for my younger two. I feel it is wrong for me to push them to something that I want them to do. With my younger two we talk about what people do and would you ever like to do that but that is where it stops at this point.

[eternalknot]

For me, it depends on circumstance.

 

I come from a large family. There were times when we needed people to defer their own personal desires for the betterment (survival) of our family as a whole. Some older siblings are in fields or professions they wouldn't have necessarily chosen for themselves, but they accept this. Sometimes grudgingly, but mostly it's just understood. It's reflective of our culture that extended family has significant input into an individual's educational and career choices, and it's an issue that has plagued many families that emigrated to the US. I strongly believe that the needs of our family should trump the wishes of the individual. I've been on both the receiving and the delivering ends of the arrangment, and feel guidance is sometimes appropriate.

 

If an individual chose to put herself before the needs of the family, I'd be disappointed. I'd understand it on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I would consider it a betrayal (of a peer) or a failure on my part (if my own child). That said, I'd still share the benefit of my experience and wisdom in supporting or not supporting the individual's choice ... at that point my disappointment would be with the selfishness of the individual, but I'd accept that as a separate issue and wouldn't hold a grudge in the form of withholding solicited advice or love for someone struggling with a major life decision. I'd support that individual in the sense that I'd help educate or facilitate any knowledge they needed to make a solid decision, and I'd accept their decision full stop.

 

If the needs of the family would be unaffected by the individual's preference, then great. All systems go, with unconditional support in the form of mentorship (rather than guidance). My youngest 17 y/o sister heads to college next Fall and this best describes her situation, thanks to older siblings who paved the way and made it all possible for her.

[Orthodox6]

May we know which culture you belong to ?

 

Your post is very interesting, because it runs directly counter to the prevailing U.S. perspective. Typically, here, a U.S. family expects each child to discover his/her own talents and academic/job inclinations, without reference to the jobs held by the parents. In fact, my own experience with immigrant families has been that the first generation (first members born in the U.S.) are encouraged, even "pushed", to focus on education, specifically in order to move into a sphere of work which is more economically rewarding than that of the parents. My husband, for example, is first-generation Greek. His parents completed grades 4 and 6, respectively. My husband was left free to choose his own career path, and never was pressured to go into the family business. (No jokes, please. Of course it was a restaurant ! -- and one still here in Texas well over sixty years later.) He ended up with a Ph.D. in economics. The extended family remains very close, as one would expect.

 

I would enjoy hearing more from you.

 

For me, it depends on circumstance.

 

I come from a large family. There were times when we needed people to defer their own personal desires for the betterment (survival) of our family as a whole. Some older siblings are in fields or professions they wouldn't have necessarily chosen for themselves, but they accept this. Sometimes grudgingly, but mostly it's just understood. It's reflective of our culture that extended family has significant input into an individual's educational and career choices, and it's an issue that has plagued many families that emigrated to the US. I strongly believe that the needs of our family should trump the wishes of the individual. I've been on both the receiving and the delivering ends of the arrangment, and feel guidance is sometimes appropriate.

 

If an individual chose to put herself before the needs of the family, I'd be disappointed. I'd understand it on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I would consider it a betrayal (of a peer) or a failure on my part (if my own child). That said, I'd still share the benefit of my experience and wisdom in supporting or not supporting the individual's choice ... at that point my disappointment would be with the selfishness of the individual, but I'd accept that as a separate issue and wouldn't hold a grudge in the form of withholding solicited advice or love for someone struggling with a major life decision. I'd support that individual in the sense that I'd help educate or facilitate any knowledge they needed to make a solid decision, and I'd accept their decision full stop.

 

If the needs of the family would be unaffected by the individual's preference, then great. All systems go, with unconditional support in the form of mentorship (rather than guidance). My youngest 17 y/o sister heads to college next Fall and this best describes her situation, thanks to older siblings who paved the way and made it all possible for her.

[Anne Rittenhouse]

I always dreamed my son would be a classical musican. He has the talent, but not the drive for practice...sigh. He has the drive for journalism. It is his love and passion. He wants to become a foreign war correspondent for the Associated Press. We will support him all the way with love and encouragement and with a little luck...maybe...just maybe we can remove that little three letter word from his job description.

[eternalknot]

May we know which culture you belong to ?

 

I'm a point-fiver; culturally, I'm a blend of Asia Asian with American Asian.

 

In fact, my own experience with immigrant families has been that the first generation (first members born in the U.S.) are encouraged, even "pushed", to focus on education, specifically in order to move into a sphere of work which is more economically rewarding than that of the parents.

 

This is reflective of my experiences, too. I have many friends who would have loved to gotten into the arts (journalism, photography, theater) but were redirected into law and med schools. I have friends who were great at music (acceptable as a hobby, less so as a profession) but were steered into careers as engineers. Many of my friends were kids when they emigrated, others are second generation Americans (born here to immigrant parents) - so culturally, it's challenging at best to do the whole "When in Rome" thing!

 

My husband, for example, is first-generation Greek. His parents completed grades 4 and 6, respectively. My husband was left free to choose his own career path, and never was pressured to go into the family business. (No jokes, please. Of course it was a restaurant ! -- and one still here in Texas well over sixty years later.) He ended up with a Ph.D. in economics. The extended family remains very close, as one would expect.

 

No restaurant jokes, here, from the Asian who has BTDT :D! I'm at an age where many of my friends who ultimately went with the expected professional jobs are now entering new parenthood (females using this as a justification to exit the rat race and start anew as permanent or temporary SAHMs), so it's been interesting to witness the evolving cultural shift as my peers enter this new phase (and newfound assertiveness). Not always, unfortunately, with as positive results as your own husband's extended family. But maybe, in time ...

 

I am defininitely too Asian for American, and too American for Asia. I'm sure there are others out there who know from experience what that feels like, and know the challenge it can be to marry the best of our multiple worlds!

[littlebug42]

The most current form this has taken is smiling and nodding when my oldest talks about becoming a 'star', and encouraging that dream to take the form of going to college and getting a degree in musical theatre, rather than running off to New York directly after turning 18. (Yes, that was an actual plan.)

 

 

I was a kid with this exact plan. 18- New York here I come. I decided that I wanted to be an actor when I was 11. It never faltered and I can tell you that my Mother and I would fight endlessly over it because she wanted me to do something "practical" and I wanted none of it. She bought me a book though when I was in high school called Acting Professionally: Raw Facts about Careers in Acting by Robert Cohen which is IN DEPTH about how hard it is to make a living as an actor. It did not discourage me from my ultimate dream but I did decide to go to college first because the training makes a difference. I see this in my future because my 7 year old has already been bitten by the theatre bug so I am sure I will be faced with it all over again in about 10 years.

[SherryTX]

My oldest ds joined the Army last August. I never, ever saw that for him. Honestly, he had never really talked about the military until we decided to move from FL to SC. He really didn't want to leave FL and I couldn't really blame him. It was where he grew up and everything he knew. So, we moved and he was miserable. He started really working towards joining the military. He lost a ton of weight, studied for his ASVAB test, talked to all the different branches. I really, really didn't want my first baby to go off to war. I fought with him over it. I pretended it wasn't going to happen. Then - just like the corny military commercials show - I started to listen to him. I listened to his reasons for wanting to join. We had his recruiter over twice to talk for a long time. I still wasn't thrilled with the idea, but I accepted the idea. I began to support his work towards his goal. It has been the absolute hardest thing I have done letting my baby go to be a soldier, but I am certain he made the right decision. I had to let go and just let God be in control. There are days that I miss him so much, that I just sit and cry. I worry about his safety all the time. In the end, I am so proud of him and the man he has become. You just have to do your best and then pray it all works out. Good luck to you!

 

This is the example I was going to bring up - my son is scheduled to go off to Army boot camp near the end of September. He was in Jr. ROTC in high school, and while he enjoyed a lot of it, he hated all the rules, so only did it one year. He is not one for structure so I was SHOCKED when he told me.

 

I cried, and cried and cried. I didn't try to talk him out of it, because I could not think of one rational reason to tell him why he shouldn't go. He had decided to not go after all, then changed his mind again, and re negotiated his contract and changed his job to infantry - which practically gave me a heart attack! - so he could go to boot camp 2 months later.

 

He has made several choices I wished he hadn't (he moved out not too long after he was 18 when he wasn't ready, then had to move back in, and then moved out again a month or two later. This time is working out well though because he actually learned from previous mistakes).

 

He is still trying to find his passion. His goal is, if he enjoys the military, that he will complete his term, and then move to the Marines (he couldn't get the waiver he needed to get into the Marines initially). He figures he could make this into a 10 year career, get his degree while in the military, and then come out with some money in the bank, and time to decide what he wants to do next while he is not yet 30.

 

I have told him that as long as he is happy, can support himself, and what ever he is doing is legal and ethical, that is all I care about. I will argue ANYTHING with my kids if it is a matter of PRINCIPLE. However, I am learning to be better about recognizing the difference more between principle and preferences when it comes to my kids. For instance, I would prefer my 13 year old wouldn't act like such a dork, but realize that her principles are pretty solid, so just because I don't share her passion for Twilight or some really lame music, that doesn't mean she is going to end up in the gutter after high school.

 

So year - guide - mentor - and then sounding board -but going back to the other two when and if needed and requested by my kids when they are young adults. Even young adults need that too sometimes.

[Laura Corin]

I'm wondering about my dd's life too. She's finishing her Master's, planning on marrying the man of her dreams who would be starting med school this fall--his life-long dream. They had the pile of kids, the house, moving back to CO, etc. all those plans. However, he was killed in a kayak accident a month ago. My heart breaks for her. We never know how things will go...

 

My thoughts are with you and your daughter.

 

Laura

[Peela]

I was the kid who my family- especially grandparents- had high hopes for, as I was bright at school. But I let them all down and wasted my talents instead :) (my grandmotherm, still alive, likes to tell me regularly that I wasted my good mind. It doesnt matter to her that I was following my own destiny and heart, and that I do have a naturopathy diploma). It had a lot to do with having parents who divorced in my teens and everybody presuming I would find my own way through. My parents were both busy with their new relationships and I went through a depression and left home at 16. I did try herbalism school for a while at 18, but mostly I went on a spiritual journey- and I dont regret it at all.

However....for my kids, I would like them to follow their dreams AND have some practical ways to make money. This may well play out most with my dd, who is a talented artist- but she doesn't necessarily want to go to art school. She doesnt know what she wants to do. Dh definitely doesnt want her to go to art school because its a lot of money to train in a career that doesnt often make even a basic living. He would like to see her doing something practical to make money- and I think she is thinking more along those lines too.

Its a fine line for me- I would send her to art school if it was her dream. But she doesnt necessarily want to have art as her career- just her hobby- and I think that may be wise, anyway.

 

I dont think university is where either of my kids will necessarily end up, but they may, as well, and I am making sure I keep those doors open for them. Ds is interested in business so he may doing some courses. I wouldnt be suprised if both of them just end up setting up their own business with their dad's guidance and goign from there.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think that you give your kiddo a solid foundation mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, academically, etc and then you are there for them when as adults they make their choices.

 

Honestly, I HATE the "wasted potential" junk. Who is anyone to determine what I should have done? Who is to decide that what I did was less worthy? Before I got pregnant with my daughter, I was on my way to becoming a biomedical engineer. My parents had it in their head for me to be a chemist (for what reason, I have NO clue as I've never had more than a cursory interest in that). But since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher. In my adult life, I've pursued my teaching certification; but more importantly, I have homeschooled my two kids, I have fostered and done childcare, and I've helped lots of parents learn better discipline skills and tools. The last one gets the most respect by people I know as it pays so much more.

 

What is it about money? Sheesh. I don't care about money past the basics. I have been SO blessed to be with my children all these years. I'm SO glad they didn't spend 4, 6, 8, 10 hours a day in daycare. I'm so glad *I* got to teach them to read. I'm glad *I* am the one working on Algebra, ministry work, and just hanging out with them as they move from adolescence to adulthood.

 

My daughter is in a similar position. She is much smarter than I was/am. My mother hates that she turned down certain colleges (and monies). But my daughter REALLY wants to focus on her volunteer work. Obviously THAT isn't going to be a lucrative career in terms of monetary value, but I so appreciate her determination to follow her heart. She understands she'll have to make some money, but I would never suggest that was more important!

 

I think it would be 100 times more sad if people "lived up to their potential" and didn't do things they enjoyed, felt was important, etc.

[Donna]

I'm wondering about my dd's life too. She's finishing her Master's, planning on marrying the man of her dreams who would be starting med school this fall--his life-long dream. They had the pile of kids, the house, moving back to CO, etc. all those plans. However, he was killed in a kayak accident a month ago. My heart breaks for her. We never know how things will go...

 

:grouphug: Oh, Margaret! So sorry! How awful!

[TravelingChris]

I am so sorry for your daughter Margaret. It is really sad.

 

That brings me to my point. Things happen. I am happy that at least my son is pursuing a college degree and doing well in that right now. Three years ago, my family was all healthy except me. Now I have three kids with serious medical issues all unrelated to each other and unrelated to my problems. I am not pushing anyone to do anything. I help them clarify their choices. My son is the one I was worried about with his choices because at points he was seeming to want to have a job way below his potential and probably not something with which he could support himself adequately. I don't care how much money they are making as long as they have adequate income to not depend on handouts. WHen he was in despair, his thinking was skewed and he couldn't see the alternatives. Now that he is better and his GPA is great, he is again considering graduate school and a career worthy of his talents. Some of his previous musings about jobs were just that. If he was a person who couldnt do academic work and was only able to have low skill jobs, I would feel differently. I just didn't think that he would be well suited to a hard labor, low skill type of job and probably wouldn't do well in the long run. So in our case, I don't mind that he is pursuing a non practical undergraduate degree (philosophy) since that is much more suited to him than many other things. His current plan is to graduate and teach English overseas for a year or two.

[swellmomma]

Well I have already faced this to some degree even though my kids are still young. From the moment I was told they were special needs, I knew that the dreams I had had up until that point for their futures was not going to come true. They will have different dreams than I ever dreamed for them because they have different abilities than those dream children kwim. I plan on guiding them (more so my son), into a field that will allow him to earn a good living with minimal schooling, also to be a mentor and a cheerleader. Certain things I will absolutely steer them away from, for example, if my dd decided she wanted to be a stripper, I would guide her elsewhere kwim.

 

My parents were very much of the mindset that they should determine our futures, I did not follow their plan and even now my mom still tries to make me go in a career she feels is acceptable. TO her childcare and being a stay at hoome mom are a waste of time and intelligence and I should not be doing these things. My sister the college teacher(of high school courses) and my brother the banker have lived up to her expectations and that makes her push me harder.

 

On the flip side, my aunt totally supported my cousins in their dreams. My one cousin is a carpenter, he does beautiful woodwork, at 23 just bought his first house and is renovating it all on his own. He is a smart guy but instead of pursuing a college education/degree he went into the trades. His mom stood by and cheered him on (while my mom made comments about the waste) and the end has been a huge payoff. My other cousin is a drum player, he is very successful and has played with several country bands. He is almost always on tour, when he is not he is a personal fitness trainer at a local gym. Neither of these jobs I am sure showed up on my Aunt's list of dreams for her boys, but he absolutely LOVES it, and is following his dreams while my aunt cheers him on and attends his concerts when she can.

 

I hope to be like my aunt and support my kids in following their own dreams, rather than pushing mine on them.

[Amy in NH]

Well, I guess I consider it my job to be a guide as well as a supporter.

 

For instance, a child may have unrealistic career goals. What 10 yo boy doesn't want to be a Lego Designer when they grow up? How many Lego Designer jobs are there? So, I try to make them understand the reality of the job market and guide them toward a more appropriate use of their love of creative building. What other well-paying jobs are there that use the skills and talent you have and the things you love doing? Maybe an architect, or some other design job would be more realistic. What type of education do you need if you want to be an architect? Maybe we should go talk to a real architect and see what they do all day, etc.

 

On the other hand, I have told 12yo ds that I will not support him for the rest of his life if he decides that he doesn't want to to study and just wants to work at a minimum wage job where he can't support himself and his family.

 

As for the music bit, my 12yo ds is also a drummer, and my ex is a guitarist. I would support my ds going out working gigs in a band as a youth, and getting as far as he can/wants to. But when it comes to supporting his own family someday, as an adult, he will need to be at a point where his music is supporting his family or it becomes a hobby/supplemental income.

 

So, I guess I'm willing to support them to a point. But I also think it's my job to guide them in their interests with their talents, and probably to make sure they have the skills to carry out a backup plan if their first choice doesn't pan out. (What do you suppose all those one-hit-wonders from the 1980s are doing now? Probably something other than full-time music!)

[laughing lioness]

Margaret in CO:grouphug:. I am so sorry to hear about this. I am praying for your dd.

 

I consider my dh and I to be mentors to our older children. We've had some wild successes and wild failures as adults foloowing our own dreams (that definilty went against our parents plan for us). We want our kids to follow thier "bents," giftings and desires, but we also want them to shore up their weaknesses. It can be difficult getting over ourselves when it comes to really supporting our kids.

My oldest has been abroad a lot (just finished her 6th trip last week). I really don't have a big desire to see her live (long term) 6ooo miles away from me- I LIKE HER!! - but she LOVES what she does there, the people, the language. As she has given talks about her experiences working with gypsies it is obvious to see how she has developed as an artist, musician, cook, linguist, geography expert, travel agent, student, speaker, etc.etc. I see her walking in her giftings and though I am grieved that she is not physically close to us more during the year, I am thrilled about who she is and who she is becoming.

From the time she was 5 until she was 14 she wanted to be a cetactean biologist (whales). I had her do a research paper on the education involved, the pay, the life style, etc. The big deal breaker for her was that she would be working so much alone (she is very social).

I love what Marmee says in the old version of "little women." "Of course I have a great many dreams for my girls..." She then goes on to talk about principals of how she wants them to live, rather than specifics. I've taken that to heart. I'd rather my kids are single than in an abusive, ugly or chronically unhappy marriage. I'd rather that my kids are serving and unselfish than filthy rich, etc.

It does entail giving up what WE want for our kids and really sympathizing with their hearts, hearing them, knowing them and then guiding, directing, in our case, praying with and for them and trusting that they will make mistakes and be successful and, hopefully, through it all create a wonderful, full and fulfilling life.