Am I being a bad daughter-in-law if I make a stink about the lastest

[CalicoKat]

group family photo-op planned for Father's Day?

 

My in-laws have this thing about needing a huge group photo each Christmas to send out in their seasonal letter. We do it each year, sigh.

 

I hate photos. I loathe photos. I can't tell you why but it's just a thing that I can't abide. For 17 years I've been the good DIL and smiled. This year they didn't even announce it in the Christmas Day schedule when it was--foolish me, I thought they'd finally given up since there were no new babies...... nope, got there, kids weren't dolled up.....I wasn't prepared....I didn't snarl like I felt inside. I let them know not to spring these things on me. My stress level goes straight out the roof!

 

Anyway we get this email announcement to dress informal for the newest family group photo shoot on that Sunday. Informal and photo do no go together in the same sentance. Nor does the additional prep this is going to cause trying to get there on time AND dressed cute.

 

I replied that I wasn't a fan... and didn't we just do this at Christmas?

 

I want to call my FIL and let him know that I love him, but he really needs to realize this isn't a good idea. First of all I've got food to prepared for the potluck (new to this family), 5 kids to dress, 3 little African American girls who need new do's, and a lot of psyching myself up to do this.

 

Shoot! They have more pictures of my family than I have the opportunity to take. And for once I'd like to be able to send out my Christmas card with my family in it. Isn't it weird that they send out a family photo? Their youngest is 35!!!

 

Bad dil?

Suck it up and do it?

Let them know how I feel about it and do it anyway?

Come reeeaaalllly late?

[CalicoKat]

group family photo-op planned for Father's Day?

 

My in-laws have this thing about needing a huge group photo each Christmas to send out in their seasonal letter. We do it each year, sigh.

 

I hate photos. I loathe photos. I can't tell you why but it's just a thing that I can't abide. For 17 years I've been the good DIL and smiled. This year they didn't even announce it in the Christmas Day schedule when it was--foolish me, I thought they'd finally given up since there were no new babies...... nope, got there, kids weren't dolled up.....I wasn't prepared....I didn't snarl like I felt inside. I let them know not to spring these things on me. My stress level goes straight out the roof!

 

Anyway we get this email announcement to dress informal for the newest family group photo shoot on that Sunday. Informal and photo do no go together in the same sentance. Nor does the additional prep this is going to cause trying to get there on time AND dressed cute.

 

I replied that I wasn't a fan... and didn't we just do this at Christmas?

 

I want to call my FIL and let him know that I love him, but he really needs to realize this isn't a good idea. First of all I've got food to prepared for the potluck (new to this family), 5 kids to dress, 3 little African American girls who need new do's, and a lot of psyching myself up to do this.

 

Shoot! They have more pictures of my family than I have the opportunity to take. And for once I'd like to be able to send out my Christmas card with my family in it. Isn't it weird that they send out a family photo? Their youngest is 35!!!

 

Bad dil?

Suck it up and do it?

Let them know how I feel about it and do it anyway?

Come reeeaaalllly late?

Family get togethers with this family are soooo difficult for me without adding photo shoots. They're very very nice people. And yet oh so critical in a quiet sort of way. And did I tell you that my MIL tells everyone my business? I have nothing to talk about with anyone because they've heard it all already, via my husband's conversations with his dad!!!!!!!! I'm a SAHM who craves adult conversation and to see people tune me out because mil shared it to them in her prayer requests irritates me to the end of the kingdom and back. Sharing this with her has not ended this grapvine--except that she doesn't gossip to me any more. I'm the only person who's clueless, not in the know, totally out of the loop! I can't tell my husband not to talk with his folks..... but can I stage a tiny dil coup?!

[OrganicAnn]

It is obviously important to them. So try to do it. Especially since you are the in-law. If it were your parents, you could probably ask them to skip it. Maybe ask to not bring something to the potluck or just buy something to take, so that you'll have more time to prepare.

[Julie in CA]

Suck it up and do it?

 

Suck it up and do it. For whatever reason, this tradition is very important to them, and I'd go with it. I'm so glad that you have family that is involved to that extent. Those connections are good for your kids too! :)

Don't get caught up in perfection, just do it.

Don't let them know that you're doing it grudgingly, either, because then you lose your brownie points for doing it. Try to give this gift to them gladly, knowing that in the whole scheme of things it's pretty small.

Make some potluck food that can be done ahead of time. Resist the urge to fuss about clothes and hair. I'm right there with you with 5 dc, and know how hard it is to get it together sometimes, but I really think it's pretty sweet that they feel close enough to you all that they want you all in their photo--every year. I'm sure that they already know how you feel about it, and that may be the reason they might hesitate to give you notice about it.

 

I just think you can't go wrong with indulging their wishes. They're not asking you to push a boulder up a hill singlehandedly, they're not asking you to bring your dc down to the local bar to meet their friends, they're just asking you to show up at a family gathering with a smile on your face. You can do it! --and you'll never be sorry you did, though you might end up sorry if you don't. :001_smile:

[MamaT]

I would probably just do it. I would let them know that I needed to know plenty of time in advance next time - or maybe that you will agree to do this once a year and no more.

 

Do you have to go get your girls' hair done or do you do it yourself? I have a friend that braids my girls' hair every couple of weeks or so. If it means you have to do it yourself, this would aggravate me as well.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would tell my dh not to tell my in-laws my business if she talks about you to other people.

 

I can sympathize with your predicament. I moved 500 miles away from my mil on purpose.:001_smile:

[kalanamak]

group family photo-op planned for Father's Day?

 

My in-laws have this thing about needing a huge group photo each Christmas to send out in their seasonal letter. We do it each year, sigh.

 

 

If they are wonderful and helpful 95% of the time I'd suck it up. If they are difficult a lot, I'd talk to hubby, as they are your ILs. Maybe hubby can do all the hair and dressing if the photo is important to him.

[Ohio12]

It is obviously important to them. So try to do it. Especially since you are the in-law. If it were your parents, you could probably ask them to skip it. Maybe ask to not bring something to the potluck or just buy something to take, so that you'll have more time to prepare.

 

 

I second the buying something for the potluck! And don't get dolled up. I can't imagine that the picture is very close up with all those people. I think what really bothers you is the idea that they do this when it is ridiculous! I understand that completely. But try to take the pressure off yourself, smile and go with the flow.

[Happy]

You are making this harder than it is. If you do it every year, why don't you get with the program a head of time???? If you know it's coming....

 

I'd also ask if the photographer would do a photo of just your family. Those would be for your Christmas cards every year.

 

One other word...the year you pitch a fit and don't do it will be the year someone dies and the 'last' photo is incomplete because your family isn't it in. Ask our family how we know.

 

This isn't a hill to die on. I'd play the game with a happy smile on my face...

[jonesloonybin]

If it were me, I would tell them that perhaps this photo should be actual kids only. The ILs and Dh and his siblings. That way it is Dh's problem. At least it gets you out of having to do it. Mention how you ALL do the christmas one and THIS one should be SPECIAL..:lol:

[CalicoKat]

I would probably just do it. I would let them know that I needed to know plenty of time in advance next time - or maybe that you will agree to do this once a year and no more.

 

Do you have to go get your girls' hair done or do you do it yourself? I have a friend that braids my girls' hair every couple of weeks or so. If it means you have to do it yourself, this would aggravate me as well.

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would tell my dh not to tell my in-laws my business if she talks about you to other people.

 

I can sympathize with your predicament. I moved 500 miles away from my mil on purpose.:001_smile:

I have to do their hair myself. It takes hours. I can do a couple girls ahead, but the baby usually yanks her's out and of course there is food to wash out that she dumps there daily.

[CalicoKat]

Suck it up and do it. For whatever reason, this tradition is very important to them, and I'd go with it. I'm so glad that you have family that is involved to that extent. Those connections are good for your kids too! :)

Don't get caught up in perfection, just do it.

Don't let them know that you're doing it grudgingly, either, because then you lose your brownie points for doing it. Try to give this gift to them gladly, knowing that in the whole scheme of things it's pretty small.

Make some potluck food that can be done ahead of time. Resist the urge to fuss about clothes and hair. I'm right there with you with 5 dc, and know how hard it is to get it together sometimes, but I really think it's pretty sweet that they feel close enough to you all that they want you all in their photo--every year. I'm sure that they already know how you feel about it, and that may be the reason they might hesitate to give you notice about it.

 

I just think you can't go wrong with indulging their wishes. They're not asking you to push a boulder up a hill singlehandedly, they're not asking you to bring your dc down to the local bar to meet their friends, they're just asking you to show up at a family gathering with a smile on your face. You can do it! --and you'll never be sorry you did, though you might end up sorry if you don't. :001_smile:

That's just the thing, this is a picture of closeness. That's it. There is no actual closeness.

[CalicoKat]

If they are wonderful and helpful 95% of the time I'd suck it up. If they are difficult a lot, I'd talk to hubby, as they are your ILs. Maybe hubby can do all the hair and dressing if the photo is important to him.

no helpfulness. not difficult. very distant. Hah! I'll give hubby your suggestion. DH can take the entire time I use to get kids ready on himself. We'll be sitting waiting in the car for him to finish, seriously.

[CalicoKat]

group family photo-op planned for Father's Day?

 

My in-laws have this thing about needing a huge group photo each Christmas to send out in their seasonal letter. We do it each year, sigh.

 

I hate photos. I loathe photos. I can't tell you why but it's just a thing that I can't abide. For 17 years I've been the good DIL and smiled. This year they didn't even announce it in the Christmas Day schedule when it was--foolish me, I thought they'd finally given up since there were no new babies...... nope, got there, kids weren't dolled up.....I wasn't prepared....I didn't snarl like I felt inside. I let them know not to spring these things on me. My stress level goes straight out the roof!

 

Anyway we get this email announcement to dress informal for the newest family group photo shoot on that Sunday. Informal and photo do no go together in the same sentance. Nor does the additional prep this is going to cause trying to get there on time AND dressed cute.

 

I replied that I wasn't a fan... and didn't we just do this at Christmas?

 

I want to call my FIL and let him know that I love him, but he really needs to realize this isn't a good idea. First of all I've got food to prepared for the potluck (new to this family), 5 kids to dress, 3 little African American girls who need new do's, and a lot of psyching myself up to do this.

 

Shoot! They have more pictures of my family than I have the opportunity to take. And for once I'd like to be able to send out my Christmas card with my family in it. Isn't it weird that they send out a family photo? Their youngest is 35!!!

 

Bad dil?

Suck it up and do it?

Let them know how I feel about it and do it anyway?

Come reeeaaalllly late?

Did I forget to mention we already did the Christmas photo @ their Christmas party which is always the 2nd weekend in December? This photo is an extra photo-op this year. That's why I'm frustrated. Of course I have to do it, but can't I just let them know that once a year is the limit next year?!

[CalicoKat]

You are making this harder than it is. If you do it every year, why don't you get with the program a head of time???? If you know it's coming....

 

I'd also ask if the photographer would do a photo of just your family. Those would be for your Christmas cards every year.

 

One other word...the year you pitch a fit and don't do it will be the year someone dies and the 'last' photo is incomplete because your family isn't it in. Ask our family how we know.

 

This isn't a hill to die on. I'd play the game with a happy smile on my face...

I did the Christmas photo shoot. This is a 2nd, extra, completely out of the program, for 2009, just because. BIL is the photographer. I've asked for a copy of the photo each year and only once did I receive it. He always tells me that he's having technical difficulty......what I think is that they don't want all of us sending out a copy of the same picture in our christmas letters. Oh, and there's not enough time to take individual family pictures. That's asking too much. I've asked.

[Impish]

You could announce you're all contagious. :D

[CalicoKat]

You could announce you're all contagious. :D

Actually, that's a great idea and not far from the truth either. DH's co-worker has a confirmed case of the swine flu. :D

[Chris in VA]

I don't think it's a hill to die on, either. But this suggestion

 

f it were me, I would tell them that perhaps this photo should be actual kids only. The ILs and Dh and his siblings.

 

I can't agree with. My dh's family occasionally does this, and it hurts. I feel so excluded, and I don't agree with it at all. I AM part of his family, and he is part of mine--we are ONE.

 

What about it exactly bothers you about a picture? Does it feel fake? Is it just the time it takes? I guess I don't understand what it symbolizes to you.

[Tammy]

but it sounds like a lot more than 'just not wanting to take pictures' is going on here, LOL.

 

.

[cin]

It says casual, dress your kids in jean shorts and matching tops. Clean, of course, but after the pictures, the kids can go play adn you don't have to worry about them messing up clean clothes.

 

And take your own camera and ask BIL to get a Picture with YOUR camera, that way there won't be any 'techinical' difficulties. And maybe then ask him to get a family picture. Or ask someone else to snap a couple of photos, 'while the kids are all cleaned up'. Or, just take a nice photo of your kids and send it in your card. I hate family pictures, and when we get cleaned up for pictures for some reason, we capitalize on that opportunity.

[unsinkable]

Life is so precious. This could be the last picture for someone in your family. You never know what can happen from year to year. I'd do it.

[Rhonda in TX]

In the interest of good will, I do think you should take the picture. However, they said casual. I say just show up and take the picture. Since they had one taken at Christmas, it doesn't matter if your kids don't look "perfect". I would NOT spend hours getting ready for this.

[Danestress]

I don't understand why you wouldn't consider just letting your kids wear whatever clothes they like and wearing their hair however it already was. If it makes your inlaws happy, it's really not that big of a time commitment unless you choose to make it a big time commitment.

 

Now, if I got an email telling me we were doing photos and sending me a link to the outfit from Nordstrom's that I was expected to by for each of my children (a la bridesmaid) I would kick up a fuss.

 

But if you are already together anyway, all you have to do is stand there.

[Erica in PA]

I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way about photos like this. My inlaws don't suggest them as frequently as yours do, but there have been times where they've requested more than one in one year, and like you, I was very frustrated about it. Some people don't seem to understand that we don't all have clothes onhand, that color coordinate with one another, that we can just grab out of the closet at a moment's notice. We don't all own a red shirt, or a white shirt, or coordinating pastels. And I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm not feeling all that great about my looks, and don't feel like being photographed in a formal setting where the expectation is that you will look your very best. To me, these kind of portraits can be a substitute for actually spending time with the family and capturing life together as it happens. It's pretty fake, to me, in other words.

 

But no, I didn't feel that I could voice these complaints in the family. I went along with it, and made the best of it. Now it's been over a year and half and there have been no more requests, so maybe that phase is past now. I hope so!! :tongue_smilie:

[Garga]

At first I would say don't prepare for the picture. Just show up w/o dressing special or doing hair, but then I thought that it would probably be very insulting if you did that. Showing up too casual w/o the hair done will create problems. So, it's probably not a solution to dress too casually.

 

Here are your problems/constrictions:

You need to dress casually, but still nice enough for a picture.

The hair takes FOREVER to do.

 

My solutions would be:

Dress in jeans and white/black t-shirts. (You may have to go shopping for the shirts.)

Don't worry if shoes don't match.

Tell MIL how long the hair takes and ask for her help OR

Find a new hairstyle for the hair.

Parted down the side and slicked down?

Parted down the middle with just two braids on each side of the head?

Let it be wild and free (pictures usually look kind of cute when the kids are more relaxed looking.)

[kalanamak]

no helpfulness. not difficult. very distant. Hah! I'll give hubby your suggestion. DH can take the entire time I use to get kids ready on himself. We'll be sitting waiting in the car for him to finish, seriously.

 

Well, I'd let them show up slovenly and point the finger at their son if anyone says anything. (Warn him first). It may be they care less about fancy dress-up than you think, because you are on high alert because of photo-hatred. My mother had that syndrome.

 

Or skip it and say you are too busy, but you'll see see them at Christmas. Sound very peppy and happy.

[Kathy in MD]

As my ds grows older I appreciate being able to show him pictures of my grandparents and aunts and uncles, some of whom are very frail and some are gone. Even some of my first cousins have already died. By having us all in one picture, I know that my family members are all included in an easy-to-keep picture. And my ds can see how people, and our family in particular, change as they age.

 

And these treasured pictures of my past don't have everyone in the same costume or even color coordinated. We're dressed in our Sunday clothes, probably taken after church at a family dinner or a special celebration. For that time period it does mean that the men are in suits and the women are in dresses. Yet I never remember photo times as being stressful because we were dressed up. That was normal wear for us.

 

But today, things are far more casual, so I'd relax about having the perfect outfit or the perfect hair style. Ask that the photos be taken first thing before the kids have a chance to get dirty. Do a last minute face wipe and run the comb through the hair and :chillpill:. Trust me, in a large group picture, a few hairs out of place or even a bit of dirt won't be noticed. But the value of these pictures in 30-40+ years to your family is incalcuable.

[katilac]

I'm pretty sure you have to suck this one up ;)

 

Maybe they said casual this year in deference to you, so you don't feel you have to spend hours on the kids' hair and clothes?

 

Honestly, I don't get the taking hours to get kids ready for a photo. I didn't take hours to get my kids ready when they stood in a wedding. If they look nice enough to leave the house and visit, they look nice enough to take a photo. If they don't look nice enough to leave the house and visit, you'd have to sort them out anyway.

 

If you want a photo of just your family, bring your camera and hand it to someone other than b-i-l. I do think it would be fine to bring up the fact that you never get a copy of the photo. Perhaps you could ask m-i-l to send you a copy when she gets hers?

 

Really, though, they've got you by the short hairs on this one. You'll look like a jerk if you refuse to take family photos twice a year, even if they are not playing nice about it.

[gardening momma]

I don't think it's a hill to die on, either. But this suggestion

 

 

If it were me, I would tell them that perhaps this photo should be actual kids only. The ILs and Dh and his siblings.

 

I can't agree with. My dh's family occasionally does this, and it hurts. I feel so excluded, and I don't agree with it at all. I AM part of his family, and he is part of mine--we are ONE.

I agree. I really don't think a picture that excludes DILs or SILs is a good idea. What about a picture of only grandkids instead? That would be nice.

[tex-mex]

Ummmmm... considering there are a LOT of in-laws who would take a family photo and cut you out of the photo. Or just not include you in at all... suck it up that you at least have in-laws who accept you and want you in the photo.

 

I realize you may be stressed. However, you do come across as being really unappreciative over future memories your kids will look back on. My hubby still treasures his family group photos. My in-laws? They're nice... but HATE taking photos. Go figure. LOL

[gardening momma]

...what I think is that they don't want all of us sending out a copy of the same picture in our christmas letters. Oh, and there's not enough time to take individual family pictures. That's asking too much. I've asked.

Why don't you have a family picture taken at another time? Not at family gatherings, but somewhere like JC Penny? In my experience, they take really nice photos, and there's always coupons (in magazines and such) with really good deals. Join the Portrait Club ($20 for 2 years, I think--at least it was a couple of years ago), and you can have multiple people per sitting for free. The coupons are usually $3.99 per sheet or $7.99 for a portrait package.

[tex-mex]

I did the Christmas photo shoot. This is a 2nd, extra, completely out of the program, for 2009, just because. BIL is the photographer. I've asked for a copy of the photo each year and only once did I receive it. He always tells me that he's having technical difficulty......what I think is that they don't want all of us sending out a copy of the same picture in our christmas letters. Oh, and there's not enough time to take individual family pictures. That's asking too much. I've asked.

 

Well, as Dr. Phil says... no family is perfect. Again, take the photo. Don't let the behind the scenes drama get to you. It sounds like it does. Your kids will look back on your actions with vivid memories -- and not remembering the cat fighting of relatives. So, play nice and think of the kids. Be the better person.

[Janet in WA]

 

I did the Christmas photo shoot. This is a 2nd, extra, completely out of the program, for 2009, just because. BIL is the photographer. I've asked for a copy of the photo each year and only once did I receive it. He always tells me that he's having technical difficulty......what I think is that they don't want all of us sending out a copy of the same picture in our christmas letters. Oh, and there's not enough time to take individual family pictures. That's asking too much. I've asked.

So all these people gather for a family photo and that photo isn't shared with anyone else there? Year after year after year? And twice this year? Wow. I think we have now detected the exact center of the universe, and it's at your inlaws' house.;) Edited June 16, 2009 by Janet in WA

[Harriet Vane]

So all these people gather for a family photo and that photo isn't shared with anyone else there? Year after year after year? And twice this year? Wow. I think we have now detected the exact center of the universe, and it's at your inlaw's house.;)

 

:iagree: My sentiments exactly.

 

I think at the least dh should step up to the plate and do what it takes to get a picture for your family to have.

[gr8tcook]

I am in the suck it up camp...my dear great-grandmother was a lovely lady she hated having her picture taken...didn't make an issue of ever taking pictures and guess what she is gone. I have one picture of her taken 2 weeks before she died of cancer...not a great picture but the only I have and I had to insist (not nicely) to get that one. It is a picture of her, my granny, my mom, me and my daughter 5 generations in one picture and I had to use my "mommy voice" with her to get it. Big Gram had to suck it up that one time and I wish now I had asked her to suck it up more often. Photos are not about us but those who come after us. just my .2 worth

[FriedClams]

Suck it up and do it. For whatever reason, this tradition is very important to them, and I'd go with it. I'm so glad that you have family that is involved to that extent. Those connections are good for your kids too! :)

Don't get caught up in perfection, just do it.

Don't let them know that you're doing it grudgingly, either, because then you lose your brownie points for doing it. Try to give this gift to them gladly, knowing that in the whole scheme of things it's pretty small.

Make some potluck food that can be done ahead of time. Resist the urge to fuss about clothes and hair. I'm right there with you with 5 dc, and know how hard it is to get it together sometimes, but I really think it's pretty sweet that they feel close enough to you all that they want you all in their photo--every year. I'm sure that they already know how you feel about it, and that may be the reason they might hesitate to give you notice about it.

:iagree:

 

Honor them. Put on some clean polo shirts and jeans, and smile.And, you know it's coming - so just roll with it. It's like being surprised that Father's Day is coming. Every year, same thing. Now it's twice a year. Great. Smile. Be cordial. Don't complain once to DH - he already know it's annoying. You won't regret it.

[Tammyla]

I am the bad dil since I didn't drive up 6 hours the day before Christmas for the photo shoot. A few years ago, I finally after many, many years of simply doing it their way on their schedule, I announced to everyone that we would not travel at Christmas...Ya'll are welcome to drive down here and celebrate with us any time, but I just can't do this anymore...

 

The world is still spinning on its axis and I figure if I'm the dil who marches to the beat of her own tambourine,well then they'll just have more to talk about.

 

:grouphug:Hugs to you, I loathe being manipulated or treated like a child, and I get what you are going through.:grouphug:

[CalicoKat]

So all these people gather for a family photo and that photo isn't shared with anyone else there? Year after year after year? And twice this year? Wow. I think we have now detected the exact center of the universe, and it's at your inlaws' house.;)

:lol: you got it!

[CalicoKat]

:iagree: My sentiments exactly.

 

I think at the least dh should step up to the plate and do what it takes to get a picture for your family to have.

 

:iagree: I made a bid for this last night.

[Happy]

To me, these kind of portraits can be a substitute for actually spending time with the family and capturing life together as it happens. It's pretty fake, to me, in other words.

 

 

 

Ack!

Really?

 

Disclaimer: I was a professional portrait photographer for over twenty years. Your statement wounds me. See me bleed? ;)

 

These kinds of photos, portraits, are meant to help everyone look wonderful all at the same time...something candids have a hard time doing. Plus, in a large group, you can bunch each family together so that you know who belongs to who a generation from now.

 

Believe me, I have lots of candids and I prefer the more formal ones for making me look great. Now...a BIL may not be able to pull that off, but a sharp professional can.

 

Everyone 'should' have a nice portrait done at least every three to five years, IMHO. And, if I ever go back into business, I'll expect all of y'all to book appointments immediately.

[CalicoKat]

I am the bad dil since I didn't drive up 6 hours the day before Christmas for the photo shoot. A few years ago, I finally after many, many years of simply doing it their way on their schedule, I announced to everyone that we would not travel at Christmas...Ya'll are welcome to drive down here and celebrate with us any time, but I just can't do this anymore...

 

The world is still spinning on its axis and I figure if I'm the dil who marches to the beat of her own tambourine,well then they'll just have more to talk about.

 

:grouphug:Hugs to you, I loathe being manipulated or treated like a child, and I get what you are going through.:grouphug:

THANK YOU. I think that when it comes times for Christmas photos I'm going to just say, "No thank you. We'll bring you a copy of our family photo for you to share with your friends." The biggest irritation is that they refuse to get a nice "couple shot." Maybe I'll make that the issue this time.

[katilac]

I am the bad dil since I didn't drive up 6 hours the day before Christmas for the photo shoot. A few years ago, I finally after many, many years of simply doing it their way on their schedule, I announced to everyone that we would not travel at Christmas...Ya'll are welcome to drive down here and celebrate with us any time, but I just can't do this anymore...

 

The world is still spinning on its axis and I figure if I'm the dil who marches to the beat of her own tambourine,well then they'll just have more to talk about.

 

:grouphug:Hugs to you, I loathe being manipulated or treated like a child, and I get what you are going through.:grouphug:

 

But she isn't going for the sole purpose of taking the picture; she's going anyway, and taking a picture while she's there.

 

I don't travel at Christmas, either, but I don't see this as the same thing at all.

[Crissy]

I don't think it makes you a bad daughter-in-law, but I am having a difficult time understanding why a group photograph must be so stressful.

 

Do the girls *need* special hair styles that require hours of your time? Was it requested that you buy new, or wear your best clothing?

Why do "informal" and "photo" not belong in the same sentence? My favorite family photos are informal.

 

I would suggest wearing comfortable, clean clothing. Make sure the kids' hands and faces are washed. Bring your potluck dish to the gathering, visit with your family and when someone says, "Time for the big group photo," stand where they ask you to, smile, and let them take the picture. A few minutes later you can get back to playing with your children, or visiting with your inlaws.

Edited June 16, 2009 by Crissy

[katemary63]

You are making this harder than it is. If you do it every year, why don't you get with the program a head of time???? If you know it's coming....

 

I'd also ask if the photographer would do a photo of just your family. Those would be for your Christmas cards every year.

 

One other word...the year you pitch a fit and don't do it will be the year someone dies and the 'last' photo is incomplete because your family isn't it in. Ask our family how we know.

 

This isn't a hill to die on. I'd play the game with a happy smile on my face...

 

:iagree: I agree this is no big deal. I will tell you what my daughter tells me, "Chillax!" I would just be so gratefull to have a family that wanted to take a group photo that I'd do it with bells on. My IL's couldn't give a hoot about anyone but themselves. Your lucky!

[WiseOwlKnits]

I hate pics as much as you do. 2 of DH's aunts are professional photographers. I've just given up and resigned myself to it and I try to do it with a smile on my face. It's important to them and I don't want my issues to ruin what could otherwise be a nice day.

[unsinkable]

I am in the suck it up camp...my dear great-grandmother was a lovely lady she hated having her picture taken...didn't make an issue of ever taking pictures and guess what she is gone. I have one picture of her taken 2 weeks before she died of cancer...not a great picture but the only I have and I had to insist (not nicely) to get that one. It is a picture of her, my granny, my mom, me and my daughter 5 generations in one picture and I had to use my "mommy voice" with her to get it. Big Gram had to suck it up that one time and I wish now I had asked her to suck it up more often. Photos are not about us but those who come after us. just my .2 worth

 

Good for you for insisting.

 

On my 19th birthday my mom refused to take a picture with my brother and I. Her exact words were, "We've have the rest of our lives to take pictures." She just didn't feel like it.

 

She was dead less than 2 months later. It's been over 20 years and the lack of that picture still brings tears to my eyes.

[valkett]

I'm sorry you don't enjoy the photos. I HATE having my pic taken.. Having said that... we do a large group photo at almost every family event on my husband's side. It's actually wonderful. We're having a big Father's Day deal at the lake this weekend. I know that we will get a big group pic and half the kids will be soaked from the lake, all of the hair on the women will be windblown from the boats, some will be sunburned, etc.... BUT we'll have a great pic from that day.

 

It's wonderful to go back through the years and look at all the shots. Seeing how the kids have grown... seeing how they each seemed to go through the "weird" smile stage, what friend they brought along.

 

I think this is one of those things you just have to gird your loins and deal with. I would just start mentally preparing for these possibilities with any even with the family. It might save you some stress.

 

I really hope it goes much better than you're expecting.

 

Valk

[gardening momma]

I've already commented, but wanted to add another thought...

 

I also hate having my picture taken. I especially don't like candids, but I like taking candid shots of my kids.;)

 

My MIL is the type who picks the most inopportune moments to attempt a formal-ish photo moment. Like before dinner when the kids are starving. Or when we've all sat down at the dinner table, and she wants a picture of everyone sitting at the table together (often in the middle of the meal when we have our mouths full). She wants us to all turn and smile. :glare:

 

So I would much rather have a set time to get the formal picture over and done with, and then relax and get on with the social part of the event. Since I don't like getting my picture taken, I'd much rather it be a posed picture where I can at least attempt to look my best and put on a decent smile, than to have someone walking around, snapping candids (I don't like my profile, so would rather face the camera).

[Tammyla]

But she isn't going for the sole purpose of taking the picture; she's going anyway, and taking a picture while she's there.

 

I don't travel at Christmas, either, but I don't see this as the same thing at all.

 

 

:001_smile: My in-laws scheduled the photo shoot the day before Christmas as a way around my avoiding the road at Christmas and tried stating it was the only day available to take a family photo:001_huh:.

 

I support Kat either way and while my experience wasn't the same it was shared to offer some support of what they are expecting of her year after year. She is a good dil and deserves a hug for being one... kwim?

[dcjlkplus3]

Suck it up and do it. For whatever reason, this tradition is very important to them, and I'd go with it. I'm so glad that you have family that is involved to that extent. Those connections are good for your kids too! :)

Don't get caught up in perfection, just do it.

Don't let them know that you're doing it grudgingly, either, because then you lose your brownie points for doing it. Try to give this gift to them gladly, knowing that in the whole scheme of things it's pretty small.

Make some potluck food that can be done ahead of time. Resist the urge to fuss about clothes and hair. I'm right there with you with 5 dc, and know how hard it is to get it together sometimes, but I really think it's pretty sweet that they feel close enough to you all that they want you all in their photo--every year. I'm sure that they already know how you feel about it, and that may be the reason they might hesitate to give you notice about it.

 

I just think you can't go wrong with indulging their wishes. They're not asking you to push a boulder up a hill singlehandedly, they're not asking you to bring your dc down to the local bar to meet their friends, they're just asking you to show up at a family gathering with a smile on your face. You can do it! --and you'll never be sorry you did, though you might end up sorry if you don't. :001_smile:

:iagree:

[JudoMom]

Having just returned from the funeral of my oldest dd's fiance, I say, suck it up and do it. I treasure the photos we took with him and the rest of the family at the military academy ball. No, he didn't want to get dressed up--he was gracious and did it anyway, and I'm grateful he did. I only wish we had more...

 

I'm so sorry, Margaret. May God grant your family peace during this time.