please help me understand mental illness

[Denisemomof4]

and please don't get mad at anything I say here. I'm honestly trying to understand my siblings; one of whom is bipolar, the other who is a paranoid schizophrenic.

 

I am sooooooooooooooo busy raising my four kids, running a farm (although my furry friends rarely see me these days!) and taking care of my mother, whom can only feed herself on some days, other days I have to even give her fluids by a syringe because she'll only drink in the mornings. And if I don't hydrate her enough she gets a UTI. I'm also involved in homeschool activities and fairly regularly see my friends. I'm exhausted and some days it's a TOTAL struggle to get out of bed.

 

Honestly, I can't understand being held captive to your thoughts, and being rendered helpless and living life on a couch. I don't have time to dwell on anything. I keep telling my siblings that I just don't have time to worry, etc. because I've got too much on my plate.

 

Is it possibleble for people with mental illness NOT to be imprisoned by their thoughts? I really don't understand how you can live day in and day out in defeat. Like I said, my life is very hard and yet I force myself to get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am.

 

I hope I don't offend. I'm honestly trying to understand. I've read online some but having gone through SO MANY difficulties myself and yet still living life....... I can't help but think it's a choice not to just force those thoughts aside.

 

Again, I claim ignorance but please enlighten me.

 

Denise

[Carrie12345]

The only thing I can think is to ask you this- Do you feel as though amnesiacs should be able to get their memories back just by wanting and trying?

The brain is a mysterious, fascinating thing. It controls people, not the other way around. Yours *allows* you to push through. Not everyone's does.

 

Does that make sense?

[zaichiki]

Mental illness in my family, too. Do you ever wonder if it will happen to you too? That it could be genetic? That's SO scary! Sounds like you are too busy to wonder, though. :)

[Julie in Austin]

I think you may be missing what mental illness really is. Maybe an analogy: perhaps you have a disease such as early-stage MS that makes it difficult for you to move your legs, but with tremendous effort, you can move them a little, although if you do it for 5 minutes, you'll have used up all of your strength for the day and will need to rest until tomorrow, when you can do another five minutes. That kind of sounds like *your* situation to me: it is really, really hard for you to stay on track and keep moving forward with the demands that have been placed on you, but you do it.

 

Mental illness, on the other hand, is like paralysis. You can do everything in your power, but those legs aren't moving. No matter what. And it isn't because you are too weak or lazy . . . or . . . or. They just aren't moving, because your brain doesn't control them. It is weird to think of the brain not controlling the brain, but that's more or less what a mental illness can be.

 

So, to answer your question, no, they cannot just choose to escape their thoughts.

[Twinmom]

Their thoughts are really and truly out of their control. If they could choose to live differently, I'd bet you money they would do so...but their illnesses keep them from seeing the need to change and/or having the ability to do so. Mental illness is a sad, scary thing. Even when they can see their illness and the effect it has on themselves and others, they are often powerless to make a major change.

 

With proper medication, they can gain control but without it, they are "imprisoned" by their chemical imbalances. Once my bipolar BIL was properly medicated, he stop raging but sat on the couch for nearly 2 years. Finally, after his brain had "rested" (my interpretation) enough to get going again, he got up off that couch and began the process of getting his life back together. He'll never be "normal," but he is off the couch now. It took trial and error to find the right medication to calm his disorder but not sedate him so much that he couldn't function. He's found it now and is going around making what amends he can. If your siblings are medicated but still "on the couch," this might be the issue. Some, however, are so sick that no matter what you do the meds will be so high that they are incapacitated on them (but raging without, so you have to pick your battles!).

 

I'm so sorry...it is so very hard on the family members. Seek support for yourself, please. You deserve it.

[tricia]

I think I am as ignorant as you are because I don't understand it either!! Sometimes I find myself thinking exactly your thoughts but yet I never come to any conclusion. As far as chemical imbalance is concerned I really don't know what to think of that too. Are some people actually suffering from what they call a chemical inbalance? Don't know that either. My dh always says that if a term is used and heard a lot then we all just buy into it out of habit of hearing it stated as a fact. But if you look to scripture there are many stories of "spirits" being cast out of a people. So is that it? Are we to learn from scripture that mental illness does indeed exist? If so, then are we to turn to God for healing? I have no idea. It's totally a "politically correct" topic though as far as I'm concerned so I just don't try to figure it out. To do so you would have to look into all kinds of directions for an answer. Most likely you won't find anything that helps YOU to come to understand it. Bottom line, I just try to not THINK too much of the obvious problems others are having because in doing so I would end up being way too judgemental and I don't want to do that. We can't in this life EVER come to know and understand all things and this is one I've just decided is always going to escape me. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

thanks to each of you. You all explained graciously and didn't get mad for my ignorance. I'm thankful for that.

 

I'm beginning to understand more.

 

My brother I believe is capable of homicide if he's not medicated. BUT, the meds are SO strong that he's practically a zombie when he's treated. So it's like there's no good choice for him. My father always took care of EVERYTHING for him and since dad died last August, my brother has been dangling off the suicide cliff. He's checked himself into a hospital three times. I've tried to help, my sister has. His doctors have set up daily goals for him. Simple goals like go for a walk, come to my house to see my animals or to help with them. Come here to visit/help with mom. He says he's going to do them but then sits on his couch worrying about his future and does nothing.

 

And my sister is the most difficult person I've ever met and she absolutely thinks that if there's an issue with us, it's my fault. When mom's in the hospital, the nurses don't even want to talk with her. Then she gets mad when they only talk to me. And I pay the price for that. She said she'd help with mom and doesn't much. If I speak up, boy do I pay the price for it. Her husband, my husband, her kids, my kids and myself all keep quiet because we don't want to suffer the "Debbie" wrath. And it's exhausting.

 

She's got two kids, is a stay at home mom, and her husband has been after her for over a year to get a job. They almost lost their house several times in the past year and a half and she's a shop-a-holic. She has a large garage with full second story FILLED with new, unopened stuff, a tractor trailer full of stuff, and a box truck full of stuff. And yet she shops and shops. And is SO unreliable and it's just not fair to me. The ONLY time she absolutely needs to be here on time is the first Saturday of the month when we go to my friends house for a huge gathering. I do it here the third Saturday of the month. These days are the highlight of my month. The last Saturday she got here at 8:00. I can't get mad, I'll pay the price for it. But I'm just SO sick of it. She's accepted the fact that she's always late and is perfectly fine with it. But it's just SOOOOOOOOO unfair. I've told her that she shouldn't be ok with it but she doesn't get it. And then she'll tell me it's because she's sick. Now the late issue I truly do NOT understand being mental illness. Thoughts???

 

I wish I had time to go find support. I don't! If I did, I'd also find support in trying to deal with my adopted kid who has an attachment disorder. The ONE thing I couldn't handle before we adopted was mental illness, but that's what God gave us.

:(:(:(:(:(

 

And yes, I do worry SOMETIMES about mental illness. I've prayed against it on my kid's behalf for many, many years. All I can do is pray.

 

I'm sorry to add CC, I honestly don't want to offend.

 

I really don't mean to whine. I just get frustrated. Thanks for a glimpse into their world. I hope I can walk away from this thread truly enlightened.

 

Denise

[Night Elf]

Is it possibleble for people with mental illness NOT to be imprisoned by their thoughts? I really don't understand how you can live day in and day out in defeat. Like I said, my life is very hard and yet I force myself to get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am.

 

 

Ok, I won't take offense since you didn't mean to offend. I am bipolar. I urge you to not rely just on the responses here if you truly want to know more about these illnesses. They are very much medical illnesses, not just mental bouts of being lazy, weak, silly, stupid, and dramatic. I would very much like to "get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am." Heck, I wish being tired was all of it! But bipolar is so much more than that. It's days of absolute despair, and days of absolute power. It's not just mood swings, but usually very wide extreme mood swings. It's absolutely terrifying at times.

 

I have family members who don't understand and don't care to find out. They think I'm just finding excuses to be high maintenance. I've pretty much cut off contact with them and they honestly can't understand why.

 

PS: Rather than trying to depend on your sister, which sets you up for frustration and hostility, let her be an outside factor and not a major important one in your life. I couldn't bear the stress of anyone truly depending on me for anything serious. Thank God for my understanding husband who is here to love me the way I am and taking care of me and our children. I hear your frustration, but you have absolutely no idea what is inside your sister's head. Mine is full of nightmares a great deal of time. I'm also a rapid cycler, which means I swing from high to low quite frequently. I'm glad I don't last weeks in one mood or the other. Being in one of my 'up' moods will rapidly drain my energy. I buzz around like a bee, darting here and there, spreading my attention to many things at once. I simply cannot help it. Then I can hit rock bottom in a matter of minutes and become extremely irritable, agitated, and totally useless. I wish I had known what this illness was before I had children. I'm not sure I would have chosen to have children. My illness is very difficult for them.

Edited May 30, 2009 by Night Elf

[Denisemomof4]

Ok, I won't take offense since you didn't mean to offend. I am bipolar. I urge you to not rely just on the responses here if you truly want to know more about these illnesses. They are very much medical illnesses, not just mental bouts of being lazy, weak, silly, stupid, and dramatic. I would very much like to "get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am." Heck, I wish being tired was all of it! But bipolar is so much more than that. It's days of absolute despair, and days of absolute power. It's not just mood swings, but usually very wide extreme mood swings. It's absolutely terrifying at times.

 

I have family members who don't understand and don't care to find out. They think I'm just finding excuses to be high maintenance. I've pretty much cut off contact with them and they honestly can't understand why.

 

thank you for not taking offense and not getting mad at me. I honestly do not want to offend, and I'm telling everyone upfront that I truly don't understand but I WANT to. I think I'm getting some of that understanding.

 

I keep on with my siblings, knowing that I *CAN* hold it together. I'm sorry your family can't do that for you.

 

Beth, when you say days of absolute despair, is is CRIPPLING despair? My sister gets this, too. I've tried to be supportive of her but now that I have mom living with me, I just don't have the time or energy to daily be her support. In fact, my health has suffered and I've realized that I don't have a lot to give outside my family and mom for the time being.

 

Honestly, I've read online at the bipolar websites. And I honestly don't remember all that I've read because I've had four concussions and my last one did a NUMBER on me. My memory is HORRIFIC. Buit I've tried to understand, and now I'm trying to get better enlightened here.

 

I'm sorry your world is so difficult. Are you getting proper treatment? Maybe you need a support group?

 

Denise

Edited May 30, 2009 by Denisemomof4

[secular_mom]

People do suffer from chemical imbalances. I am bipolar, and also have an anxiety disorder. The anxiety attacks come out of the blue, and are definitely NOT something that I 'choose' to have. I can't 'will' them away. Once I realize I am having one, I can think soothing thoughts and do relaxed breathing, etc. to make them stop, SOME times. Not always. I can be doing something as mundane as figuring out my grocery list and how much to spend, and then BAM, I'm having an anxiety attack. IMO/IME, it's like an allergy. When you have an allergic reaction it is because your immune system is overreacting to something it perceives as a threat- pollen, food, etc. If I am remotely 'worried' or concerned about something, my body overreacts and sends me into fight or flight. I get a surge of hormones that elevate my heart rate, cause tunnel vision, etc.

It's not something I have any control over. But I can take anti-anxiety medication, and that helps limit the amount of anxiety attacks that I have.

I figure it's pretty similar for different disorders, your body is perceiving things differently than they actually are, and it reacts. But I'm not a neuroscientist or anything like that.

[Desert Rat]

I have mental illness in my family as well. Not only can I not understand my mom, but no one else understands what it's like to live with her. After a year of absolute horror shows, she's on meds that work. Hurray. Now she just doesn't understand why the rest of us are so dang flinchy.

I live with the tremendous fear that I will end up like her. Every time I loose patience with my children or hit a blue streak that lasts a little too long, I worry if this will be the end. I've made my poor husband PROMISE to commit me rather than live with me if I turn out like her.

My mom was normal, to me, growing up. It's only been in the last 7 or so years we've had such a hard time. I say we and not she because we're a family and we're in this together but man, I can't count the amount of times I've cried myself to sleep over the awful things my mom has said.

So, while I'm thrilled Mom is feeling better, I'm constantly looking for the next down slide. This last one was really bad.

I guess I have no useful information other than it's helpful to develop a thick skin and find the good things about them to love.

[Night Elf]

Beth, when you say days of absolute despair, is is CRIPPLING despair?

 

OMG yes. I can cry so hard and fear so much that I literally shake, and my body aches so much I feel like I've been in a car accident. I hurt for a few days after one of those incidents. The crying used to scare my DH until we really began to understand it. He describes it as a deep primal cathartic release. There is much more, but it's really difficult to discuss on such a public board. And yes, I am being treated, but it's a lifelong illness and the meds don't always work. From what I understand, meds need to be changed whenever one stops working. I truly hate the idea of living another 40 or 50 years like this. The very idea can send me into a fit sometimes. I've been instructed to divert my attention when I start thinking about it actually. So I'm going to have to go do something else now. :)

 

The scariest part for me is knowing that it wasn't that long ago that they institutionalized people like me. I'm thankful that mental illness is more understood and readily treated these days. I'd venture to say your brother might need to see a different doctor to discuss his meds. I've been told it's a very delicate balance to maintain.

[Night Elf]

If I am remotely 'worried' or concerned about something, my body overreacts and sends me into fight or flight. I get a surge of hormones that elevate my heart rate, cause tunnel vision, etc.

It's not something I have any control over.

 

What a great description! I don't think I've ever been as eloquent in describing how fast my demeanor can change.

[Denisemomof4]

People do suffer from chemical imbalances. I am bipolar, and also have an anxiety disorder. The anxiety attacks come out of the blue, and are definitely NOT something that I 'choose' to have. I can't 'will' them away. Once I realize I am having one, I can think soothing thoughts and do relaxed breathing, etc. to make them stop, SOME times. Not always. I can be doing something as mundane as figuring out my grocery list and how much to spend, and then BAM, I'm having an anxiety attack. IMO/IME, it's like an allergy. When you have an allergic reaction it is because your immune system is overreacting to something it perceives as a threat- pollen, food, etc. If I am remotely 'worried' or concerned about something, my body overreacts and sends me into fight or flight. I get a surge of hormones that elevate my heart rate, cause tunnel vision, etc.

It's not something I have any control over. But I can take anti-anxiety medication, and that helps limit the amount of anxiety attacks that I have.

I figure it's pretty similar for different disorders, your body is perceiving things differently than they actually are, and it reacts. But I'm not a neuroscientist or anything like that.

 

 

I didn't even think of this when I started this thread!

 

I have had those before! In the past if I had to confront someone, I'd have one, but I've gotten MUCH stronger.

 

But a few weeks back I was laying in bed and almost asleep when all of a sudden and OUT OF NOWHERE, I had a major panic attack and felt like I was having a heart attack! I have always worried how my kids would be if something ever happened to me, but now that my mom is dependent on me, I all of a sudden felt this TREMENDOUS fear that she'd end up in a nursing home if something happened to me. And that SCARED ME TO DEATH. The place she was at almost killed her and her health will NEVER recover from the neglect she suffered at their hands. She's only 68 and can't tell us what's going on due to severe dementia. When the reality of that hit me, I just had a full fledged panic attack and could do NOTHING to calm myself down.

 

Wow. I can't believe I almost forgot about that. I feel like 10 second Tom on 50 First Dates sometimes! :001_huh:

[TravelingChris]

I have to say that other illnesses can bring on symptoms of mental illness too. When the underlying illness is addressed, the depression or anxiety lifts. THat is not to say that lots of people have depression or anxiety with no underlying disease. But thyroid problems can cause depression or anxiety depending on whether you are hypo or hyper thyroic. My underlying disease, Sjogren's, has at times caused depression as part of my flare symptoms. When I took Medrol, a corticosteroid, all my symptoms would lessen or disappear including depression. In cases with autoimmune diseases like mine causing depression, they think it is the general inflammation that is also occuring in the brain. The fact that a medicine that can have a side effect of causing depression but does relieve inflammation and lessens immunity almost immediately gets rid of my depression shows me that it is not a voluntary mood or anything to do with my spiritual state.

We don't know so much in medicine and unfortunately we don't yet know what causes most mental illness. We do know that bipolar is very common in certain populations (Amish) and they think it is because of their closely related families.

[Denisemomof4]

OMG yes. I can cry so hard and fear so much that I literally shake, and my body aches so much I feel like I've been in a car accident. I hurt for a few days after one of those incidents. The crying used to scare my DH until we really began to understand it. He describes it as a deep primal cathartic release. There is much more, but it's really difficult to discuss on such a public board. And yes, I am being treated, but it's a lifelong illness and the meds don't always work. From what I understand, meds need to be changed whenever one stops working. I truly hate the idea of living another 40 or 50 years like this. The very idea can send me into a fit sometimes. I've been instructed to divert my attention when I start thinking about it actually. So I'm going to have to go do something else now. :)

 

The scariest part for me is knowing that it wasn't that long ago that they institutionalized people like me. I'm thankful that mental illness is more understood and readily treated these days. I'd venture to say your brother might need to see a different doctor to discuss his meds. I've been told it's a very delicate balance to maintain.

 

WOW. I had NO idea. I thank you for sharing, and I'm so very deeply sorry for you.

[Denisemomof4]

I have mental illness in my family as well. Not only can I not understand my mom, but no one else understands what it's like to live with her. After a year of absolute horror shows, she's on meds that work. Hurray. Now she just doesn't understand why the rest of us are so dang flinchy.

I live with the tremendous fear that I will end up like her. Every time I loose patience with my children or hit a blue streak that lasts a little too long, I worry if this will be the end. I've made my poor husband PROMISE to commit me rather than live with me if I turn out like her.

My mom was normal, to me, growing up. It's only been in the last 7 or so years we've had such a hard time. I say we and not she because we're a family and we're in this together but man, I can't count the amount of times I've cried myself to sleep over the awful things my mom has said.

So, while I'm thrilled Mom is feeling better, I'm constantly looking for the next down slide. This last one was really bad.

I guess I have no useful information other than it's helpful to develop a thick skin and find the good things about them to love.

 

I'm SO sorry for you.... must be so hard....:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mom2boys]

Ok, I won't take offense since you didn't mean to offend. I am bipolar. I urge you to not rely just on the responses here if you truly want to know more about these illnesses. They are very much medical illnesses, not just mental bouts of being lazy, weak, silly, stupid, and dramatic. I would very much like to "get up and go on every day no matter how tired I am." Heck, I wish being tired was all of it! But bipolar is so much more than that. It's days of absolute despair, and days of absolute power. It's not just mood swings, but usually very wide extreme mood swings. It's absolutely terrifying at times.

 

I couldn't bear the stress of anyone truly depending on me for anything serious. Thank God for my understanding husband who is here to love me the way I am and taking care of me and our children. I hear your frustration, but you have absolutely no idea what is inside your sister's head. Mine is full of nightmares a great deal of time. I'm also a rapid cycler, which means I swing from high to low quite frequently. I'm glad I don't last weeks in one mood or the other. Being in one of my 'up' moods will rapidly drain my energy. I buzz around like a bee, darting here and there, spreading my attention to many things at once. I simply cannot help it. Then I can hit rock bottom in a matter of minutes and become extremely irritable, agitated, and totally useless. I wish I had known what this illness was before I had children. I'm not sure I would have chosen to have children. My illness is very difficult for them.

 

Thank you for your transparency. You have helped me better understand my friend, who is bipolar.

[Terabith]

I've been sitting here for an hour pondering how to respond.

 

I'm bipolar. I understand your frustration. You have a LOT on your plate. I don't know how you do that.

 

When I am at my baseline, when my condition is under control from medication, life is very much the way you describe it. I may get overwhelmed and exhausted and frustrated. I may want to stay in bed. But I have a will that functions and responds to me. I am capable of forcing myself to get up and go. My brain and emotions and spirit and will and even my soul are clear and able to make choices from truly free will.

 

When my condition is not managed, it, well, isn't like that.

 

Now, I have to say, nobody is truly a prisoner of their brain chemistry. The mania does not MAKE your sister shop compulsively. Although maybe I'm wrong. Maybe for her it is a true compulsion and she cannot control it. That does not absolve her of responsibility for her actions. (Can those items she has purchased not be returned????) If she is unable to control her spending, she needs to make responsible choices by giving her finances over to someone else to control. Be doled out an allowance. Not have credit cards or even a check book possibly. Inconvenient in the extreme, but she needs to make choices that keep her responsible.

 

Nor do I excuse her rages. Even in mania or severe depression, lashing out and hurting someone, physically or emotionally, is NOT acceptable. She needs to be held accountable for that, for her own sake as well as to impose limits on her for the sake of others.

 

I am NOT excusing your sister's actions. But she is impaired in a real way. It's like trying to program a computer with a faulty motherboard. There are some very real limits on what it will do. When I am manic, my brain buzzes. I cannot think straight. Eventually I start hallucinating. These things are really not in my control. But I do have control over what I do with that energy. I have stayed out of major trouble when manic, which I am told is somewhat unusual. I never drank or used drugs. I didn't have sex or engage in risky behavior. I didn't gamble or shop. I'm not entirely sure the fact that I stayed out of trouble is evidence of my virtue as much as the grace of God. I AM aware of the vast amounts of harm that can take place, and I am terrified of the consequences of doing these things. But, I have never experienced a compulsion to do any particular thing. If I was, I'm not sure in the grip of true mania that I would have the strength to resist. It does not excuse actions, but I think there is some lessening of responsibility. In the midst of these episodes, the body/ mind/ soul/ spirit/ will is not truly free. Not innocent, but not truly free.

 

On the other side of the coin, depression is not a "get out of jail free" card in regards to actions, either. It also may be hard to see if she is truly doing nothing, or if it just seems like nothing in comparison to your insanely busy life. It is possible that she is not utilizing her will and living on the couch by choice, or partial choice. Depressed people can be lazy just like anyone else. But laziness and depression are not the same. You're not starting from the same set point.

 

True depression is paralyzing. And you are exactly right. If you haven't experienced it, you cannot understand how one can live day in and day out in defeat. You can't really empathize. (This is a good thing. A blessing.) Even having lived through it, when I am not currently living it, it is hard to remember or understand. But it is truly paralyzing. It's like everything is suffused in darkness and despair. I feel like my body is encased in concrete and I am frozen. Like I cannot move. My body and soul and emotions have huge weights of liquid concrete dangling from them. Moving is like swimming through the stuff. It is a huge, huge, HUGE effort. To take a shower. To brush my teeth. To get my daughter a glass of milk. I can exercise my will and function to some degree. I've never lost a job due to depression. I have always (minimally, barely) fulfilled my responsibilities. But some people are worse than I am. I am a pretty high functioning bipolar person.

 

When I am depressed, my body is numb. I can cut myself and not feel it. Nothing is real. My every thought is suffused with despair. I am a terrible person. I can't do anything right. I contaminate everyone I touch, and the world would truly be a better place if I was not in it. But I (luckily) don't have the energy to get off the couch and end it. It is debilitating. Chemicals and hormones propel you where you do NOT want to be, and you are powerless to stop where they are taking you.

 

In short, she is responsible, but it is not a choice. It is not just a matter of will power. Some will power can be exercised, but the amount of effort required is not the same. At some point it becomes not, "I really, really, REALLY don't want to," and becomes, "I can't."

[Denisemomof4]

Terabith.....

 

I am speechless. Your ever so gracious post has left me with chills, and deeply sad for the pain that you, and others like you, suffer. I can't even imagine how scary it must be to walk in your shoes.

 

I honestly don't know what to say, but am SO thankful that you, and others, were COURAGEOUS enough to post the truth for (ignorant) people like me to understand.

 

It's so hard with my siblings at times but I do know that I can hold it together for us all, so I do. Sometimes I just get SO tired. Sometimes I wish my brother could see beyond himself and not drain on me.

 

When my brother decides to go off his meds, though, he's too dangerous to be in contact with. I can't put my family through that, and dh will NOT allow, but I hope he'll stay on them this time.

 

I am so sad to hear the depth of despair you all live in. I pray for a breakthrough in treatment and medicine.

 

Have any of you ever checked into neurofeedback? I know it's supposed to be very helpful for bipolar and schizophrenia. I had ONE session for my head injury and it cured my insomnia for months. BUT, my insurance won't pay for it. It's 2 hours from home and will cost $800 initially and $145 3 x per week. And I don't even have an HMO. PLEASE check into it.

[newlifemom]

Can you help me understand something then. I have a family history of depression and anxiety. I have never been dx for these things. My life has not been easy, and yet it hasn't been horrible either. Normal I guess is the best description. However, I have suffered many miscarriages. After the one last June (5mos cord accident) and this most recent one (9 weeks hemorrage and emergency D&C) I was maybe even to some degree still am, unable to process feelings and emote. I had to spend a week on the couch after the last one due to the bleeding and then post-op infection and really did not want to get up. I just kind of made it through the days and wondered when I would feel anything again. Now 6 weeks later life has gone on and so have I. It is not the overwhelming thought of my day, this baby I lost like it was for 3-4 solid weeks. However, I stilled haven't cried very much or felt anything. I am getting things done and have pretty good energy, but was that depression? I don't know. I have wondered. I can't really talk to my sisters about this b/c they get a little defensive as I am the golden one who has no problems. KWIM? Plus, to be really honest, I don't want to admit that maybe I was drepressed. Maybe I still am. I don't think so. But, like so many of you have said, unless you are there, you just don't get it. At least it is really hard to get it. Thanks for letting me hash this out.

[Denisemomof4]

Can you help me understand something then. I have a family history of depression and anxiety. I have never been dx for these things. My life has not been easy, and yet it hasn't been horrible either. Normal I guess is the best description. However, I have suffered many miscarriages. After the one last June (5mos cord accident) and this most recent one (9 weeks hemorrage and emergency D&C) I was maybe even to some degree still am, unable to process feelings and emote. I had to spend a week on the couch after the last one due to the bleeding and then post-op infection and really did not want to get up. I just kind of made it through the days and wondered when I would feel anything again. Now 6 weeks later life has gone on and so have I. It is not the overwhelming thought of my day, this baby I lost like it was for 3-4 solid weeks. However, I stilled haven't cried very much or felt anything. I am getting things done and have pretty good energy, but was that depression? I don't know. I have wondered. I can't really talk to my sisters about this b/c they get a little defensive as I am the golden one who has no problems. KWIM? Plus, to be really honest, I don't want to admit that maybe I was drepressed. Maybe I still am. I don't think so. But, like so many of you have said, unless you are there, you just don't get it. At least it is really hard to get it. Thanks for letting me hash this out.

 

are you feeling emotionally numb? Could it be PTSD brought on by the trauma of losing babies, and suffering health issues from it? I've researched PTSD because of my daughter and now I can better understand her lack of emotion at times. It's that fight or flight that was spoken of. You've certainly experienced trauma. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: I lost a baby once at 9 weeks and the emotional pain was almost too much to bear.

[Terabith]

Newlifemom, of course you were depressed! Which is natural! You experienced a huge grief, and had the hormones of pregnancy loss to boot. Then infection was added on top of that...... I can't imagine anyone who would not suffer depression. (I know I had an episode triggered by a miscarriage. :grouphug: ) I'm sure you probably still are depressed! The question is how debilitating is it and whether or not it is improving.

 

As to whether or not your depression needs treatment, I don't know. Only you can answer that. Depression may be situational, a natural and human reaction to loss. Grief and depression are different, but they often alternate and go hand in hand.

 

It may be that time and medical healing and talking about your loss and allowing yourself to grieve helps the depression gradually improve. You might find a support group helps, or talk with your pastor, or decide a counselor might help. You might find it helps to hold a memorial service at your church, or make a memory quilt or write about the pregnancy and loss. You might decide that medication would be helpful. All are appropriate responses and choices.

 

I don't want anyone to feel too sorry for me. Yes, it is a condition I live with. And yes, it sucks. But thanks be to God for medication!!!!!! And for some wonderful pastors and counselors God has sent! I have long periods of stability. I am currently stable. My will is free right now.

 

I have philosophical concerns about the prevalence of psychiatric medications in our society and the effects thereof. But the practical experiences of the benefits of them keeps me from pondering this too deeply. Perhaps it is not great for society to medicate all the bipolar people. (What effect will medication have on bipolar artists and writers? Will it lessen the amount or quality of art our society is given?) But on the other hand, on a personal level, it is a major blessing and gift!

[Denisemomof4]

living without medication should NEVER be a choice for my brother. He's dangerous, unreasonable, and totally out of touch with anything that resembles reality.

 

My sister wants to try to go without, and I don't know how she'll do. She's been on meds for 15 years.

[Terabith]

Denise, I feel I need to say something. You are NOT responsible for holding it all together for your family. Your sister is responsible for herself. You cannot take on everything. You are not responsible. Do not place that burden on yourself.

 

Yeah, it sounds like your brother may not be capable of caring for himself. And that may mean that you choose to take on that responsibility. But that is a practical situation. (Power of attorney, medical decision making, committment, etc) Not an ontological responsibility for his choices or soul or ultimate well being.

Edited May 30, 2009 by Terabith

[Denisemomof4]

we all bite our tongues and keep quiet because my siblings cannot.

 

I am financially responsible for my brother. His SSI disability checks are sent to me and I dole out his money. Other than that, he's on his own but he really needs a group home. I couldn't have him live with us. Ever. He visits for days/nights at a time but I couldn't make it permanent. We have too much to deal with without him here full time.

 

I admire you for the level to which you hold yourself accountable. My sister makes excuses for everything she does. Maybe she's truly not capable of many things, but keeping everyone waiting for hours on end...... I just don't think it's a mental illness and it's something she does on a regular basis.

 

Her husband is a VERY patient man. ;)

[klmama]

Newlifemom - Yes, it sounds as if you were, and might still be, depressed. I recently read an article about B12 deficiency, and it mentioned that it can lead to depression and to repeated miscarriages and difficulty conceiving. You might consider having your B12 levels checked. Here is an article on it from Dr. Mercola (who is a little out there about some things, but seems to be right on target with his nutritional info). The article mentions a number of factors which can lead to B12 deficiency, as well as other problems caused by it. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/05/19/Warning-Potentially-Life-Threatening-Vitamin-Deficiency-Affects-25-Percent-of-Adults.aspx

Denisemomof4 - I read sometime in the past year about a study that showed some people are able to keep going through their depression and some aren't. Those who are able usually don't get diagnosed because they aren't severe enough to be stuck on the couch all day. Their will to keep going gets them through very difficult things, even though they are quite miserable and don't feel the positive emotions they usually do. It seems that the doctors who did the study didn't know what caused them to keep going while others couldn't, though. Anyone else remember reading about this and know the details?

[asta]

The definitive book on Bipolar is An Unquiet Mind, by Dr. Kay Redfield-Jamison. It isn't very long, just over 200 pages. But it explains the disorder from someone who not only has experienced it first hand, but is a world-renown Psychologist as well.

 

The "my moods aren't TOO down or up" thing is called dysthymia. As with bipolar, it can be "manageable" or "disabling". A good site aimed at laymen to read about it and other conditions is PsychEducation.org

 

 

HTH

 

 

asta

 

p.s. It is extremely common for MI people to go off of their meds once they are stable. Their rationale is "I feel good, I don't need medication." Forgetting, of course, that they feel good because of their medication.

[Mama Bear]

Denise -- I think you've gotten a great variety of replies and lots of good information. You may be interested in checking out supplements and further brain function info.

 

http://www.truehope.com/truehope_bipolar_disorder_stories_videos.aspx

 

I searched for the original article that explains the beginnings of the above company, but so far I'm coming up empty. It's important to note that nowhere on their site do they lay out fantastic claims of 100% healing or suggest that someone just drop their meds. I did notice that the ingredient list, based on reading I've done lately, seems to make very good sense (actual research backing up their claims). [ETA: Found the Discover article, it's on their page -- http://www.truehope.com/truehope_bipolar_disorder_press_article_1.aspx Hope it helps shed a little light.]

 

Also: http://www.amenclinics.com/ I think you'd find good information there. It's more general, but his books discuss overall brain health (your mention of four concussions set off warning bells for me -- check out brain injuries) and supplementation/meds at more length.

 

Wishing you blessings, dearie. And to the rest of you sharing your stories -- you have my profoundest respect. May you succeed in your endeavors.

Edited May 30, 2009 by Mama Bear

[Rosie_0801]

I admire you for the level to which you hold yourself accountable. My sister makes excuses for everything she does. Maybe she's truly not capable of many things, but keeping everyone waiting for hours on end...... I just don't think it's a mental illness and it's something she does on a regular basis.

 

From my observation there's a difference between a person who has accepted a disabled identity and a person who fights against it. It sounds like your sister has developed a disabled identity and uses that (unconsciously) to gloss over parts of her problem. My mother is like that. Sure, she has a rotten memory, but now she has her disabled identity firmly in place, she no longer feels like she needs to try and remember anything. It's hard to tell the difference between what behaviours are caused by her illness and what is just an excuse. Fortunately, it's not my responsibility. Your sister's illness is not your responsibility either, and neither are any excuses she makes that hide behind the illness. We deal with my mother by not expecting much, and it sounds like your sister needs to be treated the same. She may have problems, but it really isn't your responsibility to keep her life together. Anyone who has the energy to compulsively shop has the energy to keep their own life going. Or so it seems to me, anyway. My mother managed to keep our lives running even when she was sleeping up to 18 hours a day.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Orthodox6]

Denise, I sent you a PM.

[kalanamak]

 

The "my moods aren't TOO down or up" thing is called dysthymia. As with bipolar, it can be "manageable" or "disabling". A good site aimed at laymen to read about it and other conditions is PsychEducation.org

 

p.s. It is extremely common for MI people to go off of their meds once they are stable. Their rationale is "I feel good, I don't need medication." Forgetting, of course, that they feel good because of their medication.

 

Yes, we call it "going to club No Med". Once you are better, all you notice are the side effects, hassle, and expense, not the absence of the problems that led to the med in the first place.

 

You are thinking of cyclothymia.

 

Dysthymia is more like a chronic, grumbling, low-level depression, often unresponsive to meds.

[G5052]

I come from a disfunctional family that has only grown more disfunctional as time has passed. My father passed away in April, and my mother's problems are even worse now that she's dealing with grief, her ongoing issues, and multi-infarct dementia. My mother has dealt with some level of mental illness her whole life And don't get me started on how most of the other relatives and friends that are still around don't function in an open, reasonable way, and how Mom remains the center of it.

 

I live many states away, and have chosen to maintain boundaries. I don't play the games, accept the abusive tirades, or try to engage the passive-aggressive types. And for that reason, I'm pretty much kept at arm's length. I have a balanced family life here and real friends. I don't pretend that my side of the family are close, wonderful people, because they aren't.

 

In your case, either you go along with your relatives and put up with their behavior, or you set a boundary and face the consequences. Simple to say, but hard to do of course. ;)

[Impish]

Others have given you wonderful information. I have nothing to add in that regard. Reading your post however, I wanted to suggest that you investigate (if you haven't already) what homecare services are available to you in your area for your mom. I know where I live, you would absolutely be entitled to respite care, and that alone would certainly ensure that you wouldn't be dependant on your sister to be on time, or you could use hours to have a break at other times. I mean no offence at all, and I hope you take none, but having worked in homecare, I know how hard it is to be the primary caregiver to a dependant parent, and you need a break that you can count on, on a regular basis. Ask your doctor, contact VON in your area (Victorian Order of Nurses) and see what can be put in place.

 

Best of luck to you. You're carrying a heavy load, and I hope you're able to get some help to ease this, and get some breaks here and there. You need them, for your own health and well being. :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

Now, I have to say, nobody is truly a prisoner of their brain chemistry. The mania does not MAKE your sister shop compulsively. Although maybe I'm wrong.

 

Yeah, excessive spending is considered a reckless behavior and is a common behavior seen in bipolar individuals. While I haven't put our family in major debt, I've done my share of excessive spending. There would have been no amount of willpower to keep me from doing it. I was absolutely convinced I was making great choices. It wasn't until my manic episode ended that I realized what I had done was foolish. Thankfully, I've been able to correct those financial mistakes as they happen. My DH tries to keep me in check. There is always a way around it though, if I really get the bug to buy something.

 

Bipolar individuals not on the correct combo of meds can be a prisoner of their brain chemistry. My meds are not yet stabilizing me. It can take months to get the combo correct and even that is no guarantee that combo will always remain effective. I'm bipolar because of of a chemical balance in the brain regardless of the cause of the imbalance. If I really had a choice, I would choose to NOT be bipolar. I would give just about anything to NOT be bipolar. I can't just will my way to better health. I'm not certain how you see it that way, unless you are using your religious faith. That is totally out of my realm and yet another reason I have a difficult time finding faith to be comforting. The implication is that God gives everyone these situations but only pulls some of them out of it. I have always wondered what makes one person good enough to get the 'cure' card while the next person is SOL. I just can't see that God plays that game.

[Impish]

Night Elf, since you're here, I'd like for you to comment on something if you could, because there is one thing that keeps bugging me about what's been posted.

 

It seems that the sister who has bipolar has essentially 'trained' everyone around her to accept bad behaviour from her. That they all allow her to be late, what ever for fear of a 'blow up' from her, and having to deal with a tirade from her. To me, that sounds far more like just someone that is a bully than having to do with any issue with bipolar...Would I be totally off the mark in saying that? Because from what the OP has said in different responses, her sister is completely without any accountability for her behaviour in any form when it comes to her husband, children, or siblings. They just bite their tongues and keep their heads down for fear of incurring her wrath. She has them prisoner.

[mommyto3]

I'm going to try to only reply to the OP although there have been some interesting responses.

 

I have been diagnosed as Bipolar Type II with Anxiety disorder. My psychiatrist explained it to me this way. A person is diabetic because their body does not produce enough insulin. This is not something a person can control, they can't say, ok body produce more insulin. So they take insulin to control it. Mental illness is the same thing. I'm bipolar because my brain either doesn't produce the right chemicals or process them correctly. It's a medical condition that I have no control over. So I medicate to make up for what my body does not do on it's own. Let me say, medication has been my life saver. Without it, I don't know where I'd be.

 

Also, I am a born-again Christian who believes that God is the ultimate healer. But just as I wouldn't refuse to take diabetes under the assumption that God will most definitely heal me, I don't refuse medications for my illness based on the fact that I think He will heal me. Yes, I fully believe He could, but I also believe He's given us medicines to be able to control things. I don't know too many Christians who wouldn't take insulin for diabetes or chemo for cancer. Same thing.

 

I want to comment on the compulsive shopping. It is not something that can necessarily be helped, it's a symptom of mania. Being Type II, I only suffer with hypomania, which is milder than full blown mania, but I still suffer with buying impulsives. Thank goodness nothing drastic, I haven't put us into debt or anything, but I do a lot of little spending here and there. And yes, afterwards, there is some buyer's remorse.

 

This is absolutely not something that I can control. If I could, I would choose not to be this way. I have been on a good combo of meds and have been mostly balanced for awhile, but I live knowing that could change any minute. And the anxiety is killing me. I have especially been having problems this week. I have had 3 anxiety attacks today alone. Again, this is something that I would absolutely choose to be rid of. My chest hurts so bad and my heart races so fast I feel like I'm dying. Meds help with that also, but it doesn't take them away completely.

 

My therapist suggested I read A Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness http://www.amazon.com/Brilliant-Madness-Living-Depressive-Illness/dp/0553560727. It's the story of Patty Duke and her battle with Bipolar. She was severe Bipolar I and reading it made me so thankful that I am Type II and a milder form. The other book I would suggest is Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243714760&sr=1-1

I bought this for my husband to read. He has not read it, I started it but have skimmed through it. So I can't vouch for the whole book, but I kow that a lot of it was applicable to my situation and would help my husband understand better and find ways to deal with me. It talks about reckless spending and ways to combat it.

 

Honestly, if you really want to learn more about it, reading either of those books would be my first suggestion. That or talking to a psychiatrist who can explain it to you.

[mommyto3]

Night Elf, since you're here, I'd like for you to comment on something if you could, because there is one thing that keeps bugging me about what's been posted.

 

It seems that the sister who has bipolar has essentially 'trained' everyone around her to accept bad behaviour from her. That they all allow her to be late, what ever for fear of a 'blow up' from her, and having to deal with a tirade from her. To me, that sounds far more like just someone that is a bully than having to do with any issue with bipolar...Would I be totally off the mark in saying that? Because from what the OP has said in different responses, her sister is completely without any accountability for her behaviour in any form when it comes to her husband, children, or siblings. They just bite their tongues and keep their heads down for fear of incurring her wrath. She has them prisoner.

 

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I'd like to share some insight. First, I wonder if her sister is under a drs care and medicated properly. Because some of the raging can be controlled through medication. I wonder if the blows up are raging that could be controlled through meds.

 

And while I disagree with training people to accept bad behavior, I do think that it's important to recognize certain things that can't be helped and then to learn ways to deal with them. The book I mentioned, Loving Someone with Bipolar, deals specifically with learning to cope with different situations. I am fortunate to have a patient husband who is understanding and caring enough to work with me on different ways to deal with things that I go through. My family is also very understanding. My mom has MS and unfortunately it has affected her mentally causing depression and raging. So she now knows firsthand some of what I go through. Having a good support system is extremely important.

[TeacherZee]

For me my depression and anxiety is like a snowball that I can't stop. It rolls faster and faster down the hill and I am left running after it trying to stop it. I know that the thoughts are "wrong" but try as I might they keep coming back and getting wilder. It can start as others have said about something simple. I'm in grad school and I can be thinking about an assignment and all of a sudden the following conversation takes place in my brain:

 

Sick part: "what if you fail the assignment?"

 

Healthy part: "Then you will do it again."

 

Sick part: "But then you are a failure and no one likes a failure"

 

Healthy part: "Shut up! That's not true"

 

Sick part: "You won't get a job! No one likes you! You suck!"

 

Healthy part: "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

 

And I am left with a racing heart and wide a wake and a sick feeling to my stomach. I try very very hard to only listen to the healthy part but that does not always work. And then I end up crying hysterically and then I am exhausted.

 

I am glad you asked the question and are willing to try and understand. I have seen far to often people who just think that people who have mental illnesses are lazy. It was one of the major reasons why I left my previous career and went back to school. I had two colleagues who were very much ill and they were given very little understanding and basically told to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. This can be devastating for someone who is depressed because they already feel worthless and useless and now people are confirming this to them. It was heart breaking for me to see two very capable kind women falling further and further into their illness while people were standing around them practically pushing them over the cliff.

[secular_mom]

I had two colleagues who were very much ill and they were given very little understanding and basically told to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. This can be devastating for someone who is depressed because they already feel worthless and useless and now people are confirming this to them.

 

Wow, that is SO true! I have just recently begun medication, after YEARS of being ill. I've been told by Dr.'s in the past that I just need to 'get out more' and 'find a hobby'. That was NOT helpful in the least. I've had friends tell me I just need to 'think more positively' and 'stop being a pessimist'. That really makes me feel more like a failure than I already did. So I've learned to limit my contact with certain people, and find friends who can at least be understanding. It's really hard though. My husband can NOT relate at ALL, because he just doesn't think the same way. He can easily let things go, but I just can't. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm not able to.

 

I'd always thought those internal 'YOU SUCK!' messages were 'normal'. :tongue_smilie: Anyway, THANK YOU for posting. It's very helpful to see/hear what other people are dealing with.

[TeacherZee]

I'd always thought those internal 'YOU SUCK!' messages were 'normal'. :tongue_smilie: Anyway, THANK YOU for posting. It's very helpful to see/hear what other people are dealing with.

 

I thought the 'You suck' was normal too until my therapist told me that they really weren't. The irony is that I was really quite sick when I left my job, only I couldn't see it because these other two women were so much sicker I just figured I wasn't since at least I was able to function. They were not. :glare:

 

I find threads like this very comforting because I realise that although I am sick I am not a freak because there are others who think as wonkily as me:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

Others have given you wonderful information. I have nothing to add in that regard. Reading your post however, I wanted to suggest that you investigate (if you haven't already) what homecare services are available to you in your area for your mom. I know where I live, you would absolutely be entitled to respite care, and that alone would certainly ensure that you wouldn't be dependant on your sister to be on time, or you could use hours to have a break at other times. I mean no offence at all, and I hope you take none, but having worked in homecare, I know how hard it is to be the primary caregiver to a dependant parent, and you need a break that you can count on, on a regular basis. Ask your doctor, contact VON in your area (Victorian Order of Nurses) and see what can be put in place.

 

Best of luck to you. You're carrying a heavy load, and I hope you're able to get some help to ease this, and get some breaks here and there. You need them, for your own health and well being. :grouphug:

 

thank you. You're very kind!

 

My father actually did one VERY smart thing. He took out long term health insurance, which means we have aides in the house almost every day. My sister is responsible for the first Saturday of the month because Saturday nights would be hard to get hired help. I could never do this alone. My mother can't really do anything. Some days we're fortunate that she can feed herself somewhat and sometimes will drink without my using a syringe. Other days, not so much so. Poor thing.

 

If my sister is late one more time I'm going to have to make other arrangements. I think having to cancel our 20 year anniversary and telling her that I can't count on her will HOPEFULLY help.

[Denisemomof4]

It seems that the sister who has bipolar has essentially 'trained' everyone around her to accept bad behaviour from her. That they all allow her to be late, what ever for fear of a 'blow up' from her, and having to deal with a tirade from her. To me, that sounds far more like just someone that is a bully than having to do with any issue with bipolar...Would I be totally off the mark in saying that? Because from what the OP has said in different responses, her sister is completely without any accountability for her behaviour in any form when it comes to her husband, children, or siblings. They just bite their tongues and keep their heads down for fear of incurring her wrath. She has them prisoner.

 

that is a VERY, very good point.

 

I have to point out, though, that my sister really does have a big, kind heart and a generous spirit. But she is, by far, the most difficult person my husband and I have ever encountered.

 

Now the fact that everyone tip toes around her, it's always been like this. She manipulated my parents even as a young kid. She controlled them in many ways. You point out something very interesting.

[Night Elf]

It seems that the sister who has bipolar has essentially 'trained' everyone around her to accept bad behaviour from her.

 

I would think so, and that's why in an earlier response I said to just leave her out of the equation. For example, if the OP planned a party, she could tell her sister the party will start at 2:00pm and last until 4:00pm. If the sister would like to be there, that's fine. If not, that's fine. If she shows up late, oh well. If the sister begins a tirade, ask her to leave. If she doesn't leave, push the issue by insisting and threatening to phone anyone that might help whether that is a boyfriend, friend, or police. Honestly, I've seen some awful behavior from mental illnesses, not just bipolar, and I absolutely refuse to go down that path with the person who chooses to destroy themselves.

In my case, it's my mother. She refuses to get help because she is in denial that anything is wrong and seriously believes that mental health doctors are quack. She can do what she wants, but she certainly won't affect my family. I've checked with mental health doctors and unless my mother physically harms herself or someone else, there is nothing they can do to force her to get evaluated and get help.

 

As for my own behavior, my DH and I have a plan in place when I have a really bad day. We do our best to protect our children from my inappropriate behavior.

 

I worry for the OP's family, especially her children. I think accepting that kind of behavior from her sister is a very bad influence on those growing children. It's really hard to cut off a family member. But when it comes to my sanity and my children's lives, I will not budge. I'd much rather upset my mother than allow any kind of harm to my children.

[Denisemomof4]

I worry for the OP's family, especially her children. I think accepting that kind of behavior from her sister is a very bad influence on those growing children. It's really hard to cut off a family member. But when it comes to my sanity and my children's lives, I will not budge. I'd much rather upset my mother than allow any kind of harm to my children.

 

Honestly, I'm ashamed to admit this but I had to cut her out of lives for about 10 years. I did a Boundaries bible study by Trent and Townsend that was life changing for me. AWESOME. Anyway, I put up healthy boundaries around my family. My parents weren't happy at first but they learned to accept them, then respect them. My sister never accepted them. She was the main reason my mother and I never had a good relationship. My sister wouldn't allow it and my mother "obeyed" her. Anyway, I was absolutely shocked when my mother and I became close when I was 35. It was the first time in my life! My mother and sister were always so close and it caused me much pain. I'm so thankful we had 10 great, close, loving years with my dad and mom before dad died and mom became so sick. My sister never would have allowed that and she now knows she doesn't have that power over me.

 

Anyway, my sister just became out of control, not being able to control me. Every holiday was ruined and I'd cry all the way home. My husband, the most patient person I've ever met, finally told me one day that he supported my relationship with my sister but he could no longer have one with her. And this was a relief to me! I was just SO tired of it all. So we parted ways when she bullied me one last time. It was so sad, my dad's death is what brought us together. Our daughters are 6 weeks apart and met at 8.5 years of age. I always felt bad about that.

 

Things ARE different now. They are far better. But, they still are difficult. Me being the caretaker of my mother and her being in charge of her health decisions and the finances, it's just very difficult. My dad was a smart man but my dh and I do NOT understand how he could have left my sister in charge just because she was the oldest. It was not a wise decision at all. I pray my mom has some good, quality time left. I adore her and love her and am blessed to have her in our home. BUT, once this is all done and we won't have this huge responsibility, I really think most of what causes issues will be gone. And to even have that thought makes me sad.

 

So that's my life story. Want to know my shoe size? :tongue_smilie:

 

BTW, my sister has been under a doctor's care for 14+ years and I have been gently encouraging her to get help elsewhere. She's now in a Bipolar research clinic in Boston. I hope they can finally help her but her husband doesnt' seem to think she's any better.

 

I want to thank each and every one who posted here. This has been a REAL eye opener. I can't wait to read some books on this, too.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you all!!!

Edited May 31, 2009 by Denisemomof4

[Impish]

that is a VERY, very good point.

 

I have to point out, though, that my sister really does have a big, kind heart and a generous spirit. But she is, by far, the most difficult person my husband and I have ever encountered.

 

Now the fact that everyone tip toes around her, it's always been like this. She manipulated my parents even as a young kid. She controlled them in many ways. You point out something very interesting.

Funny, I can't tell you how often I've heard almost the exact thing coming out of the mouth of a battered woman. "He's the sweetest man when he's not drinking/he thought I flirted with another guy/because supper was late/I looked at him wrong/the kids woke him up/I was there...whatever the reason du jour was for mistaking her for a punching bag was. Your sister sounds like a classic abuser and has everyone tip toeing around her, fearing her wrath. Sorry, but thats how it sounds to me, bipolar or no. You don't have to beat someone to be an abuser, and she has you, her husband, and her children living to excuse her, because attempting to hold her to any form of responsibility would be met with such vitrol.

[Night Elf]

Me being the caretaker of my mother and her being in charge of her health decisions and the finances, it's just very difficult.

 

Whoa, you are definitely dealing with a lot of stress! You are a brave woman. I'd be fighting that decision with a lawyer. It sounds like your sister is too unstable to be making decisions for a sick parent that isn't even living with her (thank goodness for that, hm?).

 

And I wouldn't be ashamed to have cut someone out of my life. I've done that and my family is healthier for it. It took me a while but I decided I wasn't obligated to accept abuse from anyone, not even a family member.

[Impish]

Totally agreeing with NightElf here. Your sister has issues with compulsive shopping/spending. What is to keep her from spending your mother's money? I *am* hoping that there is something in place to prevent that...there is, right? The money isn't just to be spent at her discretion?

 

Seriously, get thee to a lawyer. Quick. Its in your mother's best interests to do so, not merely your own stress levels.

[MommyJo]

I completely am in the same boat as OP. I have a mother in law who claims to be mentally ill in sooo many ways. The doctors have her on over 20 pills a day for NUMEROUS mental and physical problems. Thing is THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER! Just here me out. The woman was "mentally ill" before she went to a public college and graduated a year and a half ago. Now, she just can't go out of the house. Nooo....it's because she is lazy and wants attention. Just like her lie to the doctor that she had health problems that aren't in her records and HE GAVE HER MEDS FOR IT!! This is just like my own mother. Now don't get me wrong I believe there is mental illness in some but I think that being a hypochondriac is one of the worst. They are both killing their bodies with meds they don't need and the doctors just let them. They don't even try to find out the truth. I know this is rather "rantish" but found out my mother in law wants disability so that she can sit on her lazy toosh some more and play online all day. That's all she does, she will not even do her dishes because she says that "that's the rules of disability"! Her supposed disability is that she has too bad of anxiety to leave her home and depression as well ummm....okay so how did she graduate on stage just a year ago?? Also, the degree she has can be worked from home! Why does she not want to do anything with her life...I don't know. She loves the attention. Everytime a doctor starts to catch on to her hypochondriac ways, she switches doctors. I just don't get it. Anyways, I think that some people just enjoy the attention they get or are truly lazy like this case HOWEVER there are so many out there that are dibilitated by mental illness. I had postpartum depression severely. Not that I was going to harm my children but they said it was caused by the whole pregnancy high blood pressure and being in the hospital so much and then baby was in NICU AND then baby had to be back in hospital two days later. Anyways, to make a long story short, I laid on my couch constantly. I was so sleepy and all I could was cry. I felt helpless and ever since then I have been scared of ever becoming depressed again. I can't imagine having to live with it constantly and it's the brain controlling it. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it.

[Impish]

I can't speak for your MIL, but *I* do know that for me, my anxiety from my disability didn't hit immediately with the injury. It cropped up months after...it wasn't until December that I started really having serious issues with anxiety, because I'd been out Christmas shopping and been bumped into. Now, I can't hack being in public. I managed to go out to an almost empty Walmart with SpecialMama recently, made it all the way home and to my own bathroom before I threw up. And that for me was progress. So don't assume that just because someone was able to do something last year that they're faking something this year.

 

That being said, the doctor hopping you'd think would raise some alarm bells with a dr sooner or later.