"My husbands keeper"

[Nestof3]

In general, I'm not naive enough to believe that I could never have an affair because of my superior moral and ethical character. As a general principle, nobody is perfect, and we can all have weak moments where we do something really, really stupid. I doubt most spouses *intend* to have affairs, but over time, a friendship and rapport develops that leads to more.

 

Neither my husband or I develops friendships with the opposite sex, or spends time alone with the oppposite sex. It's simply a safegaurd that we have to affair-proof our marriage. Probably unnecessary; we have a great relationship. However, all marriages can go through tough times, and seasons where a spouse may be more prone than normal to temptation. We don't police each other, or anything of the sort. We just guard our hearts, minds and bodies closely, and build a life together.

 

I would never put my husband on any sort of leash. However, as his sister in the Lord, I would exhort him to flee from temptation, and to make no provision for the flesh, as Scripture teaches. He is responsible for his own behavior. I expect the same from myself. Women have just as many affairs as men do, after all. I'm no angel, and I'm not naive. :D

 

Great post!

[Nestof3]

I think biologically, it's pretty natural for men to want to have sex with other women, even when their wives are gorgeous and a joy to be married to. It is perfectly natural for men to want to have s@x with other women under any circumstances, and seeing as we are all on a bullet train to old age, the day will come when most of our husbands will daily meet women who are far prettier than we are. I'm 42. Do you really think that when I am 60 I can compete with 30 year olds? Of course not. And my husband does now and will always have daily contact with women that age, and he will always be a target for them because he is handsome and earns a good living.

 

So it's just natural that he might be tempted, and it's ridiculous to think I can remove that temptation.

 

And I don't worry about it *at all* because I don't own a responsibility for competing to be the most beautiful as if that will protect me. I can't stay the most beautiful. Actually, I was never in the running, lol. My security as a wife does not depends on my beauty, though I am one to try to stay thin and fit and to look nice and keep a nice house because I know it makes my marriage a nicer place to be. But I do that out of love, not out of fear.

 

The day will come when my husband has a 55 year old wife at home recovering from knee surgery, the house will be a mess, she will be in pain and crabby and crying, a little overweight and a little out of shape and in no mood for fun. And he will deal with that with honor because that's who he is. If he thought the rules of the game changed when things aren't wonderful, I wouldn't have married him.

 

I guess I am saying that while it's natural for a husband to want to stray from a hag-like wife, it's natural for him to want to stray from Angelina Jolie too. I don't notice that men are more faithful to pretty wives or to wives who are nice to them.

 

I agree. It's not a competition. We are to love and honor our spouses until death through good times and bad.

 

I was really more addressing what goes on inside of a man's head -- that men are responsible to keep their lusts reigned. I have found many women are rather naive toward how much more easily a man's mind can move into more than just admiring a woman's beauty but not doing anything that would be physically considered an "affair." I think for the most part, men are not comfortable telling their wives about this. I have had more than 15 men admit this -- from pastors to writers to members of the church body. I have read men's posts on forums admitting that they are this way in their minds but that they would never tell their wives that there is such a struggle.

[AlmiraGulch]

Am I the only one who's wondering what kind of family the SIL comes from? She doesn't even want her husband around female relatives???

 

What kind of trampy grandma must this woman have, if she can't trust her husband to be alone with her? ;)

 

And how desperate must this poor husband be for affection if he's starting to gaze lustfully at Great Aunt Rose with the frizzy gray perm and the mustache?

 

Just sayin'... :rolleyes:

 

Cat

 

:lol:

[Tree House Academy]

I had this interesting conversation with my SIL a while ago and it still bugs me for some reason.

 

She was saying that our role as wives is to keep our husbands out of temptation. We are not to trust them to be alone with any young woman in any circumstances, even if they are somehow related.

 

Her reasoning is that men are weak and if tempted will forget themselves and "plunge into sin" (her words). :001_huh:

 

Furthermore, she is saying that all this is based on the Bible. When I asked for specific verses, she said she'll get back to me with that. It's been a couple of weeks already.

 

Honestly, I cannot imagine putting my husband on a leash. I love him and trust him. I cannot imagine telling him that he can't go somewhere because "I told him so".

 

Am I naive?

 

LOL...I absolutely MUST send this to my husband so he can giggle along with me. :lol: I particularly highlighted the part about not trusting him around women...even if he is related to them.

 

Obviously, if I were to treat my dh this way, it would mean that we had some real issues in our marriage and a huge lack of trust. If my dh lusts after his cousin, well, then I am not sure much can be done to save the marriage.

 

Furthermore...it is not MY job to make sure dh doesn't cheat. That is between himself and God. It is up to HIM to make sure he doesn't cheat...just as it is up to me to make sure that I don't.

Edited May 12, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[ConnieB]

Well, if as a boy he is told (or overhears repeated conversations Mom has with sister) that he "can't help himself"....then off course he's going to grow up thinking it's acceptable.

 

Isn't that akin to the last 40 years of telling young girls that they can be whatever they want to be.......and now they are doing so! Most of my grandmother's generation (born in the 20's-30's) could never have imagined having a career in something like law or medicine or even business. If a woman had to work, it was in a very few career choices...teacher, retail store (and extremely seldom as the owner/manager, usually just as a sales clerk), seamtress, etc. Two generations later and we almost had a female for President! I think telling young girls for all these years that they can do it made them believe it. Telling a boy that he can't help being unfaithful and his wife will just have to accept that, means the boy will believe it.

 

Thankfully, my DH doesn't think that way....or he'd be single with a very large support bill, lol. By the same token, if I strayed, I'd expect him to leave me as well.

[Happy2BaMom]

...I always liked Dr. Phil's definition of cheating. He says, "would you do it/say it/act that way if your spouse were standing right next to you?"

 

That's one guideline my hubbie & I both use to make sure we do not accidentally stray into a situation that is questionable.

[msjones]

I agree. It's not a competition. We are to love and honor our spouses until death through good times and bad.

 

I was really more addressing what goes on inside of a man's head -- that men are responsible to keep their lusts reigned. I have found many women are rather naive toward how much more easily a man's mind can move into more than just admiring a woman's beauty but not doing anything that would be physically considered an "affair." I think for the most part, men are not comfortable telling their wives about this. I have had more than 15 men admit this -- from pastors to writers to members of the church body. I have read men's posts on forums admitting that they are this way in their minds but that they would never tell their wives that there is such a struggle.

 

Well said.

 

I believe it is almost impossible for women to truly understand male sexuality and the level of temptation they may deal with daily.

[katemary63]

Up until Sunday I've kind of taken it as a personal jab since I'm the "traditionally built" woman. :001_smile: This morning I woke up and after 20 years I'm finally thinking that SHE's got the problem, not me.

 

:iagree:You go!

[Danestress]

I have found many women are rather naive toward how much more easily a man's mind can move into more than just admiring a woman's beauty but not doing anything that would be physically considered an "affair." I think for the most part, men are not comfortable telling their wives about this.

 

 

But it doesn't threaten me much, any more than knowing that my husband covets material things or struggles with the urge to lie or feels very very angry at times and fantasizes about saying very harsh things to people he deals with at work. I know those are sins he struggles with, but I don't feel they threaten our marriage if he has a relationship with the Lord and repents and depends on the Lord. In my experience, greed, pride, control issues and substance abuse are at least as much of a threat to marriage as s@xual sin. Just general selfishness and putting oneself above others is a huge threat to marriage but I am not going to monitor that either.

[stripe]

As part of building and maintaining a marriage, I think both partners should be doing all they can to strengthen that relationship, and each should be very concerned with the other. So yes, letting yourself go and ignoring your husband is probably not a smart move in terms of fostering a strong marriage.

 

That being said, ultimately, each person is responsible for his/her own behavior. If a man feels his wife is so remiss that he can't help but want another woman, then, because I think deceiving one's wife is not appropriate, and neither is having an affair, the more honorable choice is to divorce the wife and marry the other. (However, I think promiscuous men will not be satisfied with that.)

 

I think it's scary if you think your husband will stray if you're not watching him. That must be very unsettling. I've known women like that, and I feel sorry for the amount of stress and heartache they must feel on a daily basis.

[MIch elle]

Well, I don't want a weak man. If mine can be so easily tempted, "she" can have him. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree:

[katemary63]

In general, I'm not naive enough to believe that I could never have an affair because of my superior moral and ethical character. As a general principle, nobody is perfect, and we can all have weak moments where we do something really, really stupid. I doubt most spouses *intend* to have affairs, but over time, a friendship and rapport develops that leads to more.

 

Really? I'm trying to think about this......Do you think that one day, you may fall into the habit of lying? Steeling? Doing drugs? Breaking the law? And that, thank goodness, for now, you don't do these things but you may end up doing them in the future? Maybe I’m weird, seriously. I don't think I have "superior" moral character. I sin all the time. But there are things that are just outside the pale of what my character will allow me....lying, stealing, drugs, breaking the law, and cheating on my husband to name a few. I don't do any of these things and I believe that I never will barring the most bizarre and unimaginable of circumstances. I'm really just asking, do most of you think that cheating is something you are actually capable of within the realm of your normal, everyday life? I am not trying to sound superior - I just believe I have confidence in my relationship with God and His relationship with me. I have confidence in the morals/ values that are set within me and my commitment to live by them. I fail, of course, but not catastrophically so as to violate my very sense of who I am. I don’t believe that some day I may become a drug addict. I would NEVER touch illegal drugs. In the exact same way, I don’t believe that someday I may be capable of cheating on my husband. I don’t interact in any sort of intimate way with other men and I never will. Is it weird to think that? Really, just ask’in? Maybe I AM naive!

[nova mama]

Really? I'm trying to think about this......Do you think that one day, you may fall into the habit of lying? Steeling? Doing drugs? Breaking the law? And that, thank goodness, for now, you don't do these things but you may end up doing them in the future?

 

I don't think that's what she's saying (though I'm sure Tami can defend herself). I think some people here are saying that while yes, people cheat, lie, etc., because of failure of character and integrity, character and integrity includes keeping yourself out of needlessly tempting situations. Many of us have husbands who wouldn't be tempted by illicit sex even if it were handed to them by the superest super model. That's fantastic. But the wisest thing is to, as much as possible, avoid being alone with her for hours and hours in her hotel room. And there are several sins that I find not the least bit enticing and would not tempt me no matter what. But I am human, I do know what my weaknesses are, and if left alone with a sheet cake, who knows what I would do (cuz don't forget, gluttony is as bad a sin as all the rest). It doesn't make me morally weak; I think it makes me smart to leave the sheet cake at the grocery store.

[Danestress]

But the wisest thing is to, as much as possible, avoid being alone with her for hours and hours in her hotel room.

 

The original question was whether it was wife for a woman to prevent her husband from *ever* being alone with any woman (even a family member) under *any* circumstances.

[coralloyd]

In general, I'm not naive enough to believe that I could never have an affair because of my superior moral and ethical character. As a general principle, nobody is perfect, and we can all have weak moments where we do something really, really stupid. I doubt most spouses *intend* to have affairs, but over time, a friendship and rapport develops that leads to more.

 

Neither my husband or I develops friendships with the opposite sex, or spends time alone with the oppposite sex. It's simply a safegaurd that we have to affair-proof our marriage. Probably unnecessary; we have a great relationship. However, all marriages can go through tough times, and seasons where a spouse may be more prone than normal to temptation. We don't police each other, or anything of the sort. We just guard our hearts, minds and bodies closely, and build a life together.

 

I would never put my husband on any sort of leash. However, as his sister in the Lord, I would exhort him to flee from temptation, and to make no provision for the flesh, as Scripture teaches. He is responsible for his own behavior. I expect the same from myself. Women have just as many affairs as men do, after all. I'm no angel, and I'm not naive. :D

 

 

:iagree::iagree: This is where my dh and I are at. I also think as wives it is wise for us to realize the differences between men and women. I highly recomend reading this book : http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172 (a survay of men, on differnt topics).

 

It helped me understand the stuggles that men face. My dh has always protected his eyes and kept from tempting situations. Now I can be sure to not bring anything, watch anything, that could cause issues for him. I view this as being his friend, and so does he.

[nova mama]

The original question was whether it was wife for a woman to prevent her husband from *ever* being alone with any woman (even a family member) under *any* circumstances.

 

As usual, I think this thread has expanded and evolved a little, to also discuss moral character, the wisdom of having close friendships of the opposite sex, etc. You're right, Danestress, about what the OP was asking. I think most of us agree that SIL's views are a little ... extreme, shall we say?

[Tami]

Really. I have perfect confidence in God, but I have no confidence in my carnal side. Perhaps you are a better woman than me, though. If you have never told a lie, and never stolen anything, regardless of the value, and never lusted after a man, you are quite a woman, and should have every confidence in your abilities to resist all temptation with your moral character. Hats off to you, my dear.

[Catwoman]

...I always liked Dr. Phil's definition of cheating. He says, "would you do it/say it/act that way if your spouse were standing right next to you?"

 

 

That makes a lot of sense.

 

Cat

[Nestof3]

Really? I'm trying to think about this......Do you think that one day, you may fall into the habit of lying? Steeling? Doing drugs? Breaking the law? And that, thank goodness, for now, you don't do these things but you may end up doing them in the future? Maybe I’m weird, seriously. I don't think I have "superior" moral character. I sin all the time. But there are things that are just outside the pale of what my character will allow me....lying, stealing, drugs, breaking the law, and cheating on my husband to name a few. I don't do any of these things and I believe that I never will barring the most bizarre and unimaginable of circumstances. I'm really just asking, do most of you think that cheating is something you are actually capable of within the realm of your normal, everyday life? I am not trying to sound superior - I just believe I have confidence in my relationship with God and His relationship with me. I have confidence in the morals/ values that are set within me and my commitment to live by them. I fail, of course, but not catastrophically so as to violate my very sense of who I am. I don’t believe that some day I may become a drug addict. I would NEVER touch illegal drugs. In the exact same way, I don’t believe that someday I may be capable of cheating on my husband. I don’t interact in any sort of intimate way with other men and I never will. Is it weird to think that? Really, just ask’in? Maybe I AM naive!

 

I am imagining that she's saying at this moment, imagining her thrown into an affair is the most hilarious thing, but have you seen the movie Fireproof?

 

My husband and I have a strong marriage. We are each others' closest friend. We have a regular, fun, intimate, open sex life. My husband tries very hard to go above and beyond to honor me. Imagining one of us all of the sudden having an affair is quite a hilarious thought. I don't really mean "funny" -- but so off the wall it would make me laugh and roll my eyes.

 

But, when I watched Fireproof, I could feel what the wife was feeling when she was receiving such attention from her coworker. Her marriage was empty. She was receiving no praise, she was in constant competition for her husband's devotion. She had her own set of issues as well -- no doubt. But, I can see when a woman is feeling her husband cares more about other women or other sexual experiences than he does for her, that he refuses to honor her, that they have no emotional connection, and then she begins to connect with someone at work. I can imagine the revenge she might feel she could have on him if she were to have an affair. I can imagine the emptiness that relationship could fill.

 

I can see the same thing slowly happening with a man. I think few men could have a Fatal Attraction type affair. But, I can see a man coming home to constant nagging, to a woman who criticizes his every move, to a woman who treats their intimate time like a chore, to a woman who doesn't care about pleasing him. Then, there's the female coworker who laughs at his jokes, who praises his work, who gives him assuring glances, who may even touch his back as she looks at what he is doing on the computer, etc. They begin connecting through conversation. I can see an affair develop there.

 

I think overall, it comes down to each person maintaining his or her own integrity but also recognizing that marriage is a relationship -- not a position. It's not a "he's my husband -- therefore he won't cheat." It's more of a "I treat him like he's my husband therefore he won't cheat."

 

Sure, there are exceptions. Real jerks, both male and female. But, this is pretty much how I see the issue.

[OnTheBrink]

As part of building and maintaining a marriage, I think both partners should be doing all they can to strengthen that relationship, and each should be very concerned with the other. So yes, letting yourself go and ignoring your husband is probably not a smart move in terms of fostering a strong marriage.

 

That being said, ultimately, each person is responsible for his/her own behavior. If a man feels his wife is so remiss that he can't help but want another woman, then, because I think deceiving one's wife is not appropriate, and neither is having an affair, the more honorable choice is to divorce the wife and marry the other. (However, I think promiscuous men will not be satisfied with that.)

 

I think it's scary if you think your husband will stray if you're not watching him. That must be very unsettling. I've known women like that, and I feel sorry for the amount of stress and heartache they must feel on a daily basis.

 

:iagree:

[FlockOfSillies]

This explains an awful lot about my mother's behavior while I was growing up.

[Nestof3]

Really. I have perfect confidence in God, but I have no confidence in my carnal side. Perhaps you are a better woman than me, though. If you have never told a lie, and never stolen anything, regardless of the value, and never lusted after a man, you are quite a woman, and should have every confidence in your abilities to resist all temptation with your moral character. Hats off to you, my dear.

 

I agree. To be able to say you've never lied, stolen or lusted is pretty noble. A person may say she never lied or stole, but a person who, for example, calls into work sick when she's not really sick is both lying and stealing. Stealing if she gets paid for being sick when she really just wants the day off.

 

Telling someone you couldn't do something because you were too busy when it was really because you just didn't care enough about the person to be bothered is lying.

 

I think often we think of big things when we think of lying and stealing.

[*Inna*]

I'm :lol: at the tags on this thread.

 

For these who agree somehow with my SIL, here's a quote from my second post on the subject.

My husband is a worship leader at our church and sometimes does music practices at peoples' homes or in our garage. Sometimes there's a lot of people, sometimes it's just a singer (usually a female). My SIL was telling me that I need to insist for him schedule practices only at our house and be there at all times.

Do you agree with her opinion here too?

[scrapbookbuzz]

I wonder what the wedding vows were of the women who say that men can't be faithful.

 

"I'll love you, provide for you, cheat on you because I'm really just an amoral pig who can't help himself, so get used to it, Princess. Until death do we part." :001_rolleyes:

 

:lol:

 

 

I literally just about spit out my coffee while reading this! Thank for the laughter!

[*********]

Really. I have perfect confidence in God, but I have no confidence in my carnal side. Perhaps you are a better woman than me, though. If you have never told a lie, and never stolen anything, regardless of the value, and never lusted after a man, you are quite a woman, and should have every confidence in your abilities to resist all temptation with your moral character. Hats off to you, my dear.

 

Tami, I don't recognize you (from around these boards), or maybe you've recently gotten a new avatar. But I know 'Way of the Master' when I see it. :001_smile:

 

I agree with you, and your post was wonderfully worded.

[*********]

:D

I am imagining that she's saying at this moment, imagining her thrown into an affair is the most hilarious thing, but have you seen the movie Fireproof?

 

My husband and I have a strong marriage. We are each others' closest friend. We have a regular, fun, intimate, open sex life. My husband tries very hard to go above and beyond to honor me. Imagining one of us all of the sudden having an affair is quite a hilarious thought. I don't really mean "funny" -- but so off the wall it would make me laugh and roll my eyes.

 

But, when I watched Fireproof, I could feel what the wife was feeling when she was receiving such attention from her coworker. Her marriage was empty. She was receiving no praise, she was in constant competition for her husband's devotion. She had her own set of issues as well -- no doubt. But, I can see when a woman is feeling her husband cares more about other women or other sexual experiences than he does for her, that he refuses to honor her, that they have no emotional connection, and then she begins to connect with someone at work. I can imagine the revenge she might feel she could have on him if she were to have an affair. I can imagine the emptiness that relationship could fill.

 

I can see the same thing slowly happening with a man. I think few men could have a Fatal Attraction type affair. But, I can see a man coming home to constant nagging, to a woman who criticizes his every move, to a woman who treats their intimate time like a chore, to a woman who doesn't care about pleasing him. Then, there's the female coworker who laughs at his jokes, who praises his work, who gives him assuring glances, who may even touch his back as she looks at what he is doing on the computer, etc. They begin connecting through conversation. I can see an affair develop there.

 

I think overall, it comes down to each person maintaining his or her own integrity but also recognizing that marriage is a relationship -- not a position. It's not a "he's my husband -- therefore he won't cheat." It's more of a "I treat him like he's my husband therefore he won't cheat."

 

Sure, there are exceptions. Real jerks, both male and female. But, this is pretty much how I see the issue.

 

:iagree: Just another reason I want to be like Dawn when I grow up. (Even though she's only like 5 years older than me. :D)

[Danestress]

If she knows her husband finds slender women more s@xually attractive, she's wise to keep herself thin. I'm assuming that this isn't about being super skinny in an unhealthy way.

 

I keep myself thin too, partly because I know my husband doesn't really appreciate the "matronly" look. I'm not as thin as I used to be, and I'm not apologizing for it either, but I do what I can without really making myself miserable.

 

But if your husband likes a fuller figure, then it's great you can carry around a little extra and not have to worry about that!

 

Don't get me wrong - in no way do I think it's okay for a man to ignore his wife or start cultivating new romantic relationships because his wife is 15 pounds overweight. But I also don't think she has a "problem" because she wants to stay thin for him. I think she's smart if it's *true* her husband feels that way and not just her own idea of what fashion magazines have convinced her all men want.

[msjones]

I'm :lol: at the tags on this thread.

 

For these who agree somehow with my SIL, here's a quote from my second post on the subject.

 

Do you agree with her opinion here too?

 

I wouldn't say I agree with your SIL, but I still think it may be wise to routinely schedule those rehearsals somewhere public-ish.

 

Why not?

[Danestress]

I personally would feel uncomfortable if it were just the music minister and me at either of our homes.

 

I would schedule them at your house, and once three people show up, then they don't need you. But if she's the only one that comes, I would be in and out, just to make her feel more comfortable.

 

If they are scheduled at someone else's house, I would suggest he just get in the habit of getting a head count of who is coming. If it looks like it's just going to be him and another woman and it's at her house, I would probably cancel the practice or move it to a more public place.

[gardening momma]

For these who agree somehow with my SIL, here's a quote from my second post on the subject.

My husband is a worship leader at our church and sometimes does music practices at peoples' homes or in our garage. Sometimes there's a lot of people, sometimes it's just a singer (usually a female). My SIL was telling me that I need to insist for him schedule practices only at our house and be there at all times.

 

Do you agree with her opinion here too?

 

I do think this is a situation where there should be caution...not necessarily because of the risk of an affair (although I know of a situation where that happened between two people in a praise team), but to guard reputations. It is better if a man and woman in this situation try not to be alone together for practices--at least for their reputation in the church and their personal reputations if nothing else.

[OnTheBrink]

Every pastor I've ever known personally has had the policy to never be alone or in what might appear to be a compromising situation with another woman. It was always to protect the reputation of both parties, so neither could make any sort of accusation. For most people, the thought of accusing someone of inappropriate behavior when none was there wouldn't even enter their minds. But, if you're in ministry and around all kinds of people that you may not know well, it can't hurt to be protective of both reputations. Gossip is ugly and rampant and there enough people in the world who thrive on drama that it makes sense to avoid any and all appearances of impropriety.

[jonesloonybin]

Everytime I hear "I don't know how it happened...I didn't mean for this to happen..." I always think "What happened? Did you trip and it just fell in??" I mean how could you NOT know how it happened??

[coralloyd]

I wouldn't say I agree with your SIL, but I still think it may be wise to routinely schedule those rehearsals somewhere public-ish.

 

Why not?

 

I personally would feel uncomfortable if it were just the music minister and me at either of our homes.

 

I would schedule them at your house, and once three people show up, then they don't need you. But if she's the only one that comes, I would be in and out, just to make her feel more comfortable.

 

If they are scheduled at someone else's house, I would suggest he just get in the habit of getting a head count of who is coming. If it looks like it's just going to be him and another woman and it's at her house, I would probably cancel the practice or move it to a more public place.

 

I do think this is a situation where there should be caution...not necessarily because of the risk of an affair (although I know of a situation where that happened between two people in a praise team), but to guard reputations. It is better if a man and woman in this situation try not to be alone together for practices--at least for their reputation in the church and their personal reputations if nothing else.

 

 

:iagree:

[*Inna*]

Thank you!

[WTMindy]

:iagree:, and while I don't put my dh on a leash, he does. He does what he can to be above reproach at all times. He does this so he won't be tempted and so he cannot be accused. However, I will do all in my power so that he only thinks of me.;)

 

This is the same for us. Dh has a very cute young single female that works for him, and he has gone out of his way to invite her over to our house for dinner so that she can get to know me and the kids. He wants her to see him as a happily married man so that when he has interaction with her, she is not suspicious of his motives. I have become friends with her. He keeps himself above reproach in every way. The other day she was having a very hard day and he went to lunch with her at the mall and he came home and told me about that and what they discussed, etc. I trust him completely, but I thought it was sweet that he is so transparent.

 

If I am totally honest about the two of us, I would be the one more likely to have an affair than he would. (Just for the record, I never have even been tempted, but I am more the type to act on an impulse than he is.)

 

And, I do everything I can to make sure I have a happy husband. (And he does the same for me.)

[LaxMom]

I have to laugh - when my husband and I were dating and first married, the running joke was that, every third night, he slept with my best friend (paramedics, partnered at work), except when he slept with Dave. :D

 

We are focused on each other and, jointly, on the children. If he should have an affair, I would assume there is something very wrong going on with him or with our marriage (not that such a thing would be an excuse, just that that behaviour would be aberrant) and it would be addressed as such. (We recently had the "mid-life crisis discussion" and I pointed out that we are aiming at being debt-free, so an exotic car is out of the question... and any loose women better be a cheap date, too!)

 

That said, I CAN see where being mindful of the appearance of propriety (or lack thereof) is important. I lost a job in my early 20s because of a stupid, ridiculous action on my boss' part that led his wife (along with her accountant) to, literally, raid my office while I was at lunch, looking for a reason to terminate me. Not that that is the situation for you, but it would be a real shame to have to deal with the potential gossip. You can't prove a negative, after all, and no matter what the response to such accusations, they will only "prove guilt" in the minds of the accusers. You know?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Well, I just don't understand why women make themselves responsible for someone else's behavior.

 

I take responsibility for my own actions, no matter what anyone, including my husband does. If he turns into a fat slob, if he ignores me, if he forgets how to pleasure me in the bedroom, it would still be my fault, and solely my fault if I decided to sleep with my male friend. Also, if my male friend, whom I meet regularly for lunch, starts complaining about his wife, complimenting my physical appearance, flirting with me, making me feel 25 again, it would be my fault and my sole responsibility if I let it continue.

 

Same goes for my husband. I do not restrict or monitor his friendships or activities, nor he mine. We are both adults, fully capable of abstract thought and fully capable of self control.

[Jugglin'5]

Well, I just don't understand why women make themselves responsible for someone else's behavior.

 

I take responsibility for my own actions, no matter what anyone, including my husband does. If he turns into a fat slob, if he ignores me, if he forgets how to pleasure me in the bedroom, it would still be my fault, and solely my fault if I decided to sleep with my male friend. Also, if my male friend, whom I meet regularly for lunch, starts complaining about his wife, complimenting my physical appearance, flirting with me, making me feel 25 again, it would be my fault and my sole responsibility if I let it continue.

 

Same goes for my husband. I do not restrict or monitor his friendships or activities, nor he mine. We are both adults, fully capable of abstract thought and fully capable of self control.

 

It seems a cold comfort when a decent marriage ends to be able to say that it is ultimately the offending spouse's fault. Sure it is, but what if the marriage could have been saved by a bit of common-sense avoidance of certain tempting situations?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

It seems a cold comfort when a decent marriage ends to be able to say that it is ultimately the offending spouse's fault. Sure it is' date=' but what if the marriage could have been saved by a bit of common-sense avoidance of certain tempting situations?[/quote']

 

 

If a spouse cheats, was it really a decent marriage? And I don't think there is comfort in a broken marriage, cold or otherwise.

I do agree that it is sad that a marriage could be saved by a bit of common-sense avoidance of certain tempting situations, *on the part of the offender*

 

Infidelity is a moral failing on the part of the cheater. The one who does the "crime" bears responsibility.

 

Making the woman responsible in any way is like blaming a woman for getting beaten. "well, if she would have kept herself up. Well, if she would have made sure her husband didn't get in situations that made him mad."

Same goes for blaming the husband if the wife cheats. Or blaming the "other woman/man" when a spouse cheats.

[Nestof3]

If a spouse cheats, was it really a decent marriage? And I don't think there is comfort in a broken marriage, cold or otherwise.

I do agree that it is sad that a marriage could be saved by a bit of common-sense avoidance of certain tempting situations, *on the part of the offender*

 

Infidelity is a moral failing on the part of the cheater. The one who does the "crime" bears responsibility.

 

Making the woman responsible in any way is like blaming a woman for getting beaten. "well, if she would have kept herself up. Well, if she would have made sure her husband didn't get in situations that made him mad."

Same goes for blaming the husband if the wife cheats. Or blaming the "other woman/man" when a spouse cheats.

 

However, are we ever so cold and calculated when searching for "Mr. Right?" Do we have the attitude of "I'm going to give no thought to how I look, I am going to say whatever I feel like saying, I am going to treat this guy however I feel like treating him -- and he had better pick me above all others." It doesn't matter that those other three ladies at our church singles group treat him nicely, he's just going to have to pick me because it's his duty. I'm going to tell him he looks stupid in that shirt, and so on.

 

No, we will be ourselves, of course, but we will find little ways to shine -- ways to please -- we will speak truthfully and with conviction about things, but we will speak kindly. We will smile and laugh.

 

For many, a few years (or many) into marriage, many women are hardly recognizable as the ones their men chose. I'm not talking about the obvious things like -- aging, wrinkles, tough times. I'm talking about the coldness that comes from the attitude of "I can treat him however I want to, and if he would rather be with someone else, that's HIS problem. His duty should be to stay with me."

 

The very things that draw a man to a woman -- the very things that drew your husband to you can be the very things he misses when you become cold, rude, apathetic -- and they will be the very things that can draw a man to another woman.

 

The same goes for a woman.

 

Yes, the cheater is responsible, but I would rather see marriage as a relationship comprised of two respecting adults giving their best than some agreement on paper alone.

[Jugglin'5]

If a spouse cheats, was it really a decent marriage? And I don't think there is comfort in a broken marriage, cold or otherwise.

I do agree that it is sad that a marriage could be saved by a bit of common-sense avoidance of certain tempting situations, *on the part of the offender*

 

Infidelity is a moral failing on the part of the cheater. The one who does the "crime" bears responsibility.

 

Making the woman responsible in any way is like blaming a woman for getting beaten. "well, if she would have kept herself up. Well, if she would have made sure her husband didn't get in situations that made him mad."

Same goes for blaming the husband if the wife cheats. Or blaming the "other woman/man" when a spouse cheats.

 

It is certainly the offender's fault, and no blame attaches to the spouse. The point is, it makes it easier to avoid being tempted to steal food if one is generally well-fed, and doesn't deliberately hang out in the candy store all the time. It is much harder to avoid stealing candy if you are starved and work in a chocolate factory. Not impossible, but harder for sure. This just seems like common sense. It is not the same as saying that a man is incapable of fidelity, or that if a marriage ends in infidelity it is because the wife wasn't greeting the husband at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap often enough.

[tricia]

I agree with Danestress. It's not my job to keep him in line. But as a Biblical wife (always striving) it IS my job to be a loving, kind, helpmeet to him. There's enough stresses in life I think and worrying about whether or not my dh stays in line is not one of them.:001_smile:

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

It is certainly the offender's fault' date=' and no blame attaches to the spouse. The point is, it makes it easier to avoid being tempted to steal food if one is generally well-fed, and doesn't deliberately hang out in the candy store all the time. It is much harder to avoid stealing candy if you are starved and work in a chocolate factory. Not impossible, but harder for sure. This just seems like common sense. It is not the same as saying that a man is incapable of fidelity, or that if a marriage ends in infidelity it is because the wife wasn't greeting the husband at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap often enough.[/quote']

 

Well this analogy would work if sex were basic to survival, like eating. Starving for food is a far cry from sexually dissatisfied, emotionally distant, or whatever excuse is given for cheating.

 

Implying that a spouse can prevent another from immoral behavior is, indeed, attaching blame, or at least relieving blame a bit from the cheater, which seems the same to me.l

Edited May 12, 2009 by MeanestMomInMidwest

[Danestress]

other than fear to avoid this

 

However, are we ever so cold and calculated when searching for "Mr. Right?" Do we have the attitude of "I'm going to give no thought to how I look, I am going to say whatever I feel like saying, I am going to treat this guy however I feel like treating him -- and he had better pick me above all others."

 

I treat my husband with love and respect because I *love* him, because I want my boys to see what a good marriage looks like, because I want to be a good wife, because I want him to be happy, because I want ME to be happy, because it's the right thing to do. My motives for being gracious, and trying to stay interesting and attractive aren't based on fear. I already know that there are other women out there who are smarter, nicer and better looking than I am.

 

Saying that it's HIS job to be faithful and deal with God on sinful thoughts, feelings and actions is not saying that I am then free to become the wife from h@ll. I still answer to God for my own behavior, and I also think there are real consequences for neglecting a marriage that are not related to adultery. Just having a less loving marriage would be a huge penalty.

[3lilreds in NC]

I am not my husband's keeper. However, if I thought he were placing himself in a potentially dangerous situation, I would tell him and ask that he not do it anymore. *No* man is immune from the temptation of an affair, given the right circumstances. I do NOT excuse affairs, mind you, but it's less of a decision to go out and have s*x with someone else than a series of steps down a path you'll wish you'd not trod when reality finally sets in, I think. Both husbands and wives need to be on their guard all the time to protect their marriage. We have to be aware of what's going on around us.

 

In the wise words of Mad-Eye Moody: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

[Nestof3]

other than fear to avoid this

 

 

 

I treat my husband with love and respect because I *love* him, because I want my boys to see what a good marriage looks like, because I want to be a good wife, because I want him to be happy, because I want ME to be happy, because it's the right thing to do. My motives for being gracious, and trying to stay interesting and attractive aren't based on fear. I already know that there are other women out there who are smarter, nicer and better looking than I am.

 

Saying that it's HIS job to be faithful and deal with God on sinful thoughts, feelings and actions is not saying that I am then free to become the wife from h@ll. I still answer to God for my own behavior, and I also think there are real consequences for neglecting a marriage that are not related to adultery. Just having a less loving marriage would be a huge penalty.

 

I never said one should do this out of fear. What I am saying is that some people actually do begin treating their spouses this way and are then flabbergasted when the spouse begins looking elsewhere. I have seen women who are just content having all of their material needs taken care of and happy to be able to stay at home but let the rest of their marriage fall to the wayside. Then when their husband starts enjoying the company of another woman, she is astonished.

 

What I was saying is that we would all do well -- for lots of reasons -- to treat one another like we did when we were pursuing one another.

[msjones]

I never said one should do this out of fear. What I am saying is that some people actually do begin treating their spouses this way and are then flabbergasted when the spouse begins looking elsewhere. I have seen women who are just content having all of their material needs taken care of and happy to be able to stay at home but let the rest of their marriage fall to the wayside. Then when their husband starts enjoying the company of another woman, she is astonished.

 

What I was saying is that we would all do well -- for lots of reasons -- to treat one another like we did when we were pursuing one another.

 

:iagree: And, once again, well said, Nestof3! I wish I had been encouraged in this way sooner in my marriage. It's very easy to be complacent.

 

I wonder what the OPs SIL would think if she read this perspective. It may be that this is closer to what she meant, only she wasn't able to clearly explain her thoughts.

[LisaNY]

This is the same for us. Dh has a very cute young single female that works for him, and he has gone out of his way to invite her over to our house for dinner so that she can get to know me and the kids. He wants her to see him as a happily married man so that when he has interaction with her, she is not suspicious of his motives. I have become friends with her. He keeps himself above reproach in every way. The other day she was having a very hard day and he went to lunch with her at the mall and he came home and told me about that and what they discussed, etc. I trust him completely, but I thought it was sweet that he is so transparent.

 

If I am totally honest about the two of us, I would be the one more likely to have an affair than he would. (Just for the record, I never have even been tempted, but I am more the type to act on an impulse than he is.)

 

And, I do everything I can to make sure I have a happy husband. (And he does the same for me.)

 

Um, Mindy, I have to respectfully point out that it might not be a good idea for your dh to go out to lunch w/the young lady. Your dh might be a completely trustworthy upright guy, but you really don't know the young lady well enough to make a judgement call on what she might be capable of doing. Knowing that he is a happily married man with a wife and children won't necessarily stop her from being interested in him. You mentioned that he had her over to show her that he is happily married, etc., so she wouldn't be suspicious of *his* motives, but what about hers?

 

She may find the fact that he is such a nice, wonderful husband/dad very attractive, indeed.

 

If she had a bad day, and he took her to lunch, that has the potential to make him appear the protector, etc. Young women find that very appealing.

 

Please understand, I am making no judgement calls. I was just presenting a different perspective.

[Audrey]

Um, Mindy, I have to respectfully point out that it might not be a good idea for your dh to go out to lunch w/the young lady. Your dh might be a completely trustworthy upright guy, but you really don't know the young lady well enough to make a judgement call on what she might be capable of doing. Knowing that he is a happily married man with a wife and children won't necessarily stop her from being interested in him. You mentioned that he had her over to show her that he is happily married, etc., so she wouldn't be suspicious of *his* motives, but what about hers?

 

She may find the fact that he is such a nice, wonderful husband/dad very attractive, indeed.

 

If she had a bad day, and he took her to lunch, that has the potential to make him appear the protector, etc. Young women find that very appealing.

 

Please understand, I am making no judgement calls. I was just presenting a different perspective.

 

 

I have to disagree with that perspective. It is still implying that a man cannot remain faithful. So what if this young woman finds him attractive? So what, even, if she makes a pass at him?

 

It takes two to tango. And, NO always means NO.

 

A man is no less capable of saying no, than is a woman. Men are not dogs, even if a b*tch in heat rolls over for him. Men are thinking human beings, who IF they really are faithful, are not swayed by the "temptations" another woman may hang out there for him.

 

I have been fortunate enough to know more than few honest, faithful men in my life. I'm 100% certain that they weren't the ONLY men in this world like that.

[OnTheBrink]

I have to disagree with that perspective. It is still implying that a man cannot remain faithful. So what if this young woman finds him attractive? So what, even, if she makes a pass at him?

 

It takes two to tango. And, NO always means NO.

 

A man is no less capable of saying no, than is a woman. Men are not dogs, even if a b*tch in heat rolls over for him. Men are thinking human beings, who IF they really are faithful, are not swayed by the "temptations" another woman may hang out there for him.

 

I have been fortunate enough to know more than few honest, faithful men in my life. I'm 100% certain that they weren't the ONLY men in this world like that.

 

I'm not speaking for Mindy, but my concern with the man going to lunch with the young woman would be this: Let's say she makes a pass and he says no. What's to stop her, out of anger from being rebuffed, to accuse him of some sort of inappropriate gesture. A man in the ministry has to be very careful of no appearance of impropriety, and even an accusation can ruin his career and reputation, even if he is the most upright person. Men haven't cornered the market on being a low-life pig.