how do I get my mom to stop comparing....

[kfeusse]

herself to my in-laws.

 

My parents have a limited income and they also have 10 grandkids.  My in-laws on the other hand, have more money (but they don't really flaunt it...they use it...but they also live fairly "normal" (for lack of a better word) and they  only have 4 grand kids (one is older and married and the other 3 belong to use). 

 

But my mom every year compares the price value of the gifts she is able to give our kids and the price value they receive from the other grandparents.  It's not like they buy our kids tons of stuff....but it is more expensive items.  This year they are gifting our family with a all expense paid trip to Washington DC and I haven't had the heart to tell my mom because all they can afford is a gift of $20 per kid.

 

So I try really hard to suggest things the kids REALLY want..so they are super happy upon receiving the gift...but that only sort of helps. 

 

Is there anything I do to help with that?

[gardenmom5]

your mother has inferiority issues that are separate from  your in-laws.  you can't fix this for her.  you can simply tell  her to knock it off and that you love her for herself - and stop giving her an audience for her insecurities.  (that will actually reinforce them.)

 

she can try taking a page out of another woman's book.  she had more average means, and her grandchildren's other grandparent was quite well off.  she decided, she could do activities with the grandchildren.  she would do things with them that required time, but not so much money.  things that were fun, that the other grandmother didn't have the time (or live close enough) to do.

[QueenCat]

Does your mom have to know who is paying for DC?

[alisoncooks]

We have the reverse situation in our family. My MIL has limited means, only income is disability, several grandchildren; my parents both work and are able to afford more expensive presents for their 4 grandchildren.

 

What I do is make sure that one of the kids most wanted gift is reserved to be given by MIL. There is usually a smallish gift that would make the kids so excited when opened. So she gets the big response at an affordable price.

 

We don't tell her what the girls get from my parents.

[Farrar]

I agree that you can't really fix this for her. I think when she does it, you can tell her to knock it off, that love isn't a contest, especially not a monetary one. You can try to make opportunities for her to do special things that don't involve money, like teaching your kids skills or doing low cost but special things together. For Christmas gifts, you can try to help her make that $20 buy the most exciting items under the tree (I was just thinking about this - about how we "reserve" the most wanted things for the g'parents to buy - and they're not always the most expensive things). You can affirm her and remind her you love her and try to show that by speaking her love language. But in the end, she has to work out her inferiority issues.

[Arcadia]

We have the reverse problem too. My dad has pension while my in-laws need money from all their kids. Luckily SIL and her husband has pension when they retire and are in well paying jobs since graduation. So they help the most financially.

 

My parents are elderly and my mom has rheumatoid arthritis. While MIL is younger having married in her teens. So she is now thankful for her health compared to my parents. They are aware that my parents bankroll my kids but they also know my parents health prevent them from traveling. So my in-laws don't verbally compare now. My in-laws doesn't give birthday or Christmas gifts so all gifts are from my BIL, SIL and my relatives.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Arcadia

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe suggest she work a little harder at getting more expensive gifts.  You know, like go out and get a part time job or maybe cut back on some expenses.

 

Of course I'm kidding.  It's not exactly the same situation here, but I sometimes feel like there is some sort of weird competition between both sides.  And my kids are the only grandchildren on each side.  Ugh.

 

Probably there isn't much you can do but just tell her that her gifts mean a lot to you and the kids and she shouldn't worry about it.  Not saying it'll help, but what can ya do?

 

 

[mamaraby]

Encourage her to make memories with the kids by doing special things. I don't really remember the gifts I received from relatives, but I have lasting memories of things we did together like camping with one of my grandmother and all the paper dolls she had that we played with for hours. My sister remembers the junk food snacks this same grandmother had. Or the times we'd get together with her and make all the Christmas cookies (so many cookies!). I remember making dinner with my other grandmother and going to breakfast in the back of the station wagon to the place with the big red apple.

 

We have poetry teas with my mom and get together weekly to do our art lessons. She's helped teach my kids to sew. They go camping together. She makes cookies with my kids. She sends them postcards. She sits and listens to them talk about all the things that interest them. I don't think my kids can remember the gifts she's bought them for the holidays, but I know that all of these things rank so much higher in their memories.

 

My kids got a big kick out of the cheap little puzzles my grandmother bought them. She's the puzzle great-grandma. They help her work on the big puzzle she has at her house when we visit and now they have their own puzzles to put together at home.

 

If you have memories like that, share them with your mom and then see if you can both come up with more opportunities for her and your kids to do those sorts of things together.

 

I also like the suggestions for low dollar value presents that have a big impact. Sometimes the most wanted gift isn't the most expensive one.

[alisoncooks]

We also plan special holiday activities when we are at MIL's house.  Our annual gingerbread man/house decorating?  Done at MIL's.  Driving and looking at neighborhood lights?  With MIL.  Going out to eat at a special restaurant before Christmas?  MIL.

 

 

My parents don't feel slighted.  They see my kids many, many times during the year (they can easily travel to see us -- and they do; MIL cannot b/c of health and money).  So the kids get a magical visit with granny (we do the driving, we pay to eat out, we buy the gingerbread) but it's all with her and makes special Christmas memories with her.

Edited December 3, 2016 by alisoncooks

[Laurie4b]

Ok so I am not yet a grandmother, but this is the kind of thing that I do think about. Some thoughts: 

 

I think what you are already doing by giving your mom ideas for "most wanted" gifts is awesome. 

 

Your mom wants her grandkids to love her---as much as they love their other gp's.

 

Your mom isn't crazy. Kids are materialistic and they can measure love with "stuff." As foster parents, for instance,  we were told to be careful not to buy too much for the foster child (we had only him at the time) as that could interfere with the desire to be reunited with the bio parents. And I think of my own childhood and yeah, I valued "stuff" even though as an adult, I am very content with second hand everything. 

 

So I would tend to ask your mom some questions about where the comparisons are coming from: is she afraid the grandchildren will not love her as much? Will not think she loves them as much?

 

Could she give them "experience" gifts? The time I spent with grandparents was very important to me. Despite my statement above that I valued "stuff", I also valued things like walks with my GM through the woods with her teaching me the names of flowers, birds, etc; learning to bake with my GM and being allowed to actually make my own pies, etc; being allowed to make glitter messes at GM's; GM playing the piano while her granddaughters danced in costumes from the attic. I can only recall two presents from a GP, on the other hand: a doll I really wanted and a plastic "grocery store". And we had 3 sets of GPs and got a lot of gifts. 

 

I disagree with above posters to just tell her to knock it off. I would try hard to understand her perspective and I think reassurance is appropriate unless she's always had a tendency to fish for compliments/attention via bids of inferiority. 

[Seasider]

your mother has inferiority issues that are separate from your in-laws. you can't fix this for her. you can simply tell her to knock it off and that you love her for herself - and stop giving her an audience for her insecurities. (that will actually reinforce them.)

 

she can try taking a page out of another woman's book. she had more average means, and her grandchildren's other grandparent was quite well off. she decided, she could do activities with the grandchildren. she would do things with them that required time, but not so much money. things that were fun, that the other grandmother didn't have the time (or live close enough) to do.

I agree. You might just challenge your mom to be more creative and try to think of gifts that are invaluable. For instance, a day spent in grandma's kitchen learning that secret family recipe? Or a project to research the family tree together?

 

When my twins were elementary aged, they compared their work to the point of making one another miserable, because their individual strengths lay in opposite areas. I started using two separate same level curriculums for their schooling, and it removed the basis for their comparison. That's the sort of thing I'm suggesting. Urge your mom to take away the opportunity to compare. A hand made garment or other hand craft from her would be priceless, and something the other grandparents couldn't purchase no matter how much money they have, kwim?

[wintermom]

Love does NOT = money. 

[Paige]

You can't do anything to fix your mom's issues. We have the same issue with my in-laws and it's annoying but there's nothing we can do to make MIL feel better because it's not our problem to solve. 

 

In my family growing up, my dad's parents were very poor and had a million grandkids. Seriously- I can't keep track of my cousins because there's way too many. But, my grandparents gave each of us $5 and we were grateful and happy and did not care one bit that my mom's family gave larger gifts. I don't think my dad's parents cared one bit either what anyone else gave us either. If someone sees it as a competition, it's a personal problem. 

 

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think we ever discussed presents with my dad's family. We didn't talk about what other people got us- but they never asked either. When we saw them we were always doing things- gardening, fishing, playing games, etc- not talking about other people. You could work on encouraging your kids not to talk about gifts from other people with your mom. If she asks (like my MIL does) then don't lie, but don't ask, don't tell is a good policy. 

[Seasider]

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think we ever discussed presents with my dad's family. We didn't talk about what other people got us- but they never asked either. When we saw them we were always doing things- gardening, fishing, playing games, etc- not talking about other people. You could work on encouraging your kids not to talk about gifts from other people with your mom. If she asks (like my MIL does) then don't lie, but don't ask, don't tell is a good policy.

Excellent advice!

[gardenmom5]

Ok so I am not yet a grandmother, but this is the kind of thing that I do think about. Some thoughts: 

 

I think what you are already doing by giving your mom ideas for "most wanted" gifts is awesome. 

 

Your mom wants her grandkids to love her---as much as they love their other gp's.

 

Your mom isn't crazy. Kids are materialistic and they can measure love with "stuff." As foster parents, for instance,  we were told to be careful not to buy too much for the foster child (we had only him at the time) as that could interfere with the desire to be reunited with the bio parents. And I think of my own childhood and yeah, I valued "stuff" even though as an adult, I am very content with second hand everything. 

 

So I would tend to ask your mom some questions about where the comparisons are coming from: is she afraid the grandchildren will not love her as much? Will not think she loves them as much?

 

Could she give them "experience" gifts? The time I spent with grandparents was very important to me. Despite my statement above that I valued "stuff", I also valued things like walks with my GM through the woods with her teaching me the names of flowers, birds, etc; learning to bake with my GM and being allowed to actually make my own pies, etc; being allowed to make glitter messes at GM's; GM playing the piano while her granddaughters danced in costumes from the attic. I can only recall two presents from a GP, on the other hand: a doll I really wanted and a plastic "grocery store". And we had 3 sets of GPs and got a lot of gifts. 

 

I disagree with above posters to just tell her to knock it off. I would try hard to understand her perspective and I think reassurance is appropriate unless she's always had a tendency to fish for compliments/attention via bids of inferiority. 

 

honestly - I have to disagree with this.

 

children are taught to be materialistic, by materialistic adults.    I grew up being taught to be materialistic, because my (way too much influence in our lives) grandmother was incredibly materialistic.  she showed her love by showering with gifts.  to her money = love.  it permeated everything about her.  that is a very UNhealthy attitude. (and one that should have been dropped before every becoming a grandparent simply by maturing.) 

 

as a child, christmas always felt hollow.  by the time I was a tween, I wanted her TIME, I wanted affection.  she wasn't willing to give either.  her materialism was a reflection of her own self-concept. (re: only money matters). 

I adored my grandfather - but he did things with me, few of them cost money.  (interestingly - there are two gifts I received from him that I remember.  one I still have.  they meant far more to me than anything my grandmother *ever* gave me.  he had a relationship with me.  she didn't.)

 

my brother learned the materialistic lesson well.  he was at my house once for christmas.  his kids (who learned the materialist lessons) opened their presents as fast as they could, and didn't care about anyone but themselves.  I made a conscious choice to rear my children differently, and it shows in their attitudes.   my own kids were raised to take turns and pay attention to other people (because people are more important than things), weren't even halfway through.  

 

you're trying to equate the needs of foster kids - who by definition are in an unstable home environment and what that can do to their psyches, to children living in their stable natal home and grandparents on both sides.  doesn't compare.

 

[Laurie4b]

honestly - I have to disagree with this.

 

children are taught to be materialistic, by materialistic adults.    I grew up being taught to be materialistic, because my (way too much influence in our lives) grandmother was incredibly materialistic.  she showed her love by showering with gifts.  to her money = love.  it permeated everything about her.  that is a very UNhealthy attitude. (and one that should have been dropped before every becoming a grandparent simply by maturing.) 

 

as a child, christmas always felt hollow.  by the time I was a tween, I wanted her TIME, I wanted affection.  she wasn't willing to give either.  her materialism was a reflection of her own self-concept. (re: only money matters). 

I adored my grandfather - but he did things with me, few of them cost money.  (interestingly - there are two gifts I received from him that I remember.  one I still have.  they meant far more to me than anything my grandmother *ever* gave me.  he had a relationship with me.  she didn't.)

 

my brother learned the materialistic lesson well.  he was at my house once for christmas.  his kids (who learned the materialist lessons) opened their presents as fast as they could, and didn't care about anyone but themselves.  I made a conscious choice to rear my children differently, and it shows in their attitudes.   my own kids were raised to take turns and pay attention to other people (because people are more important than things), weren't even halfway through.  

 

you're trying to equate the needs of foster kids - who by definition are in an unstable home environment and what that can do to their psyches, to children living in their stable natal home and grandparents on both sides.  doesn't compare.

 

 

Foster kids were one example. It also happens in some divorce custody cases. I used myself as an example, too, as a child. I don't think I was *taught* to be materialistic and as I said when I grew up, I am pretty much the opposite.  My comments were more casual but it sounds like it pushed a button some reason, which is fine. We're all different. 

 

 

I generally don't find it helpful in life to tell adults to "knock it off" when they are genuinely concerned (anxious) about something.If someone is super narcissistic, attention-getting, etc. then that is different. But not every grandmother worried about something like this is psychologically off. 

 

Edited December 4, 2016 by Laurie4b

[Rosie_0801]

A person whose love language is gifts is not necessarily completely shallow or lacking in manners and appreciation.

[Garga]

A person whose love language is gifts is not necessarily completely shallow or lacking in manners and appreciation.

 

 

I was going to say the same thing. For some people gifts are a big thing: either the ability to give them or receiving them. For some people gifts do = love.

 

If that's the case here, you'll have to find ways that her smaller costing gifts still have a big impact--as others have suggested, make sure her gifts are the things the kids really like.

[wintermom]

 For some people gifts do = love.

 

 

 

And look how unhappy it makes them. There is always someone who has more money. Does that really mean that they love more? 

 

Time and interest in individuals is usually a better indicator of love, no matter what "love language" or words people want to use.

[LucyStoner]

My mom was in the same situation when she was alive- she was disabled and on a tiny fixed income. My husband's parents were/are affluent. I helped my mom find one inexpensive thing my older son loved each Christmas. My mom also spent a lot of time with my son, something my MIL does not because she lives far away.

 

My mom was in the last 5 years of her life/first 5 years of my older son's life and facing her own early mortality for all of those years as she was terminally ill. The advice many are giving here would have been inappropriate and callous to the point of cruel for her and I am glad I didn't treat her like that. If we can respect our children's fears and anxieties we can respect those complex feelings in our parents too.

[katilac]

Does your mom have to know who is paying for DC?

 

Presumably the OP's entire family knows, so it's probably going to come up at some point. I'd not want to tell my kids to not mention it, bc that somehow implies that it is a big deal that they have the money to do so. That's a cool thing for the grandparents to do, and it's okay to acknowledge it. 

 

OP, have you ever read any of the Tightwad Gazette books? The author spends a lot of time on attitudes toward money, and how you can adjust the way you think. I'm going by memory, but she gave an example of pretty much this exact situation. The grandmother without money respected her own contributions and those of the other grandmother equally - she said something to the effect of, that's your shopping grandma, and I'm your baking grandma. 

 

I thought that was a great attitude! Would it help your mom if she could come up with a stronger "identity" as grandmother? If she doesn't have a "thing" with the kids, maybe she could start a new tradition or two. It doesn't have to be complicated or extravagant. My dad's "thing" with my kids is that they watch Bonanza, including commercials, and eat an appalling amount of junk food. The other grands are 10+ years older than my kids, and they still fondly recall the time spent with Adam and Hoss and Little Joe . . . and gramps, of course! 

[LucyStoner]

A person whose love language is gifts is not necessarily completely shallow or lacking in manners and appreciation.

Thank you.

[happypamama]

I think you can't. Make sure the gifts they give your kids are ones your kids really will like, if possible, and try to get them to focus on different aspects of grandparenting. I know that over time, my parents and ILs have evolved into different styles of grandparenting (we have the first grandchild on both sides, so you can imagine what a splash that was), and naturally, they can do different things for/with our children/family because of time/money/proximity/health. My kids spend different sorts of time with all of them and receive different sorts of gifts, and they really don't seem to care. They know that all of their grandparents love them in their own love languages.

 

I would try to downplay things that come from your ILs a bit if it hurts your parents' feelings, just not to make too big a deal out of where they come from in front of your parents, but ultimately, they're adults, and they have to relax and realize that the kids ultimately benefit from grandparents who love them in all sorts of ways.

[Rosie_0801]

And look how unhappy it makes them. There is always someone who has more money. Does that really mean that they love more? 

 

Time and interest in individuals is usually a better indicator of love, no matter what "love language" or words people want to use.

 

Gifts may not be your love language, and the people you know whose language is gifts may be miserable so and so's, but that's not true for everyone. 

 

Your love language preference really isn't a reliable indicator of other people's virtues or lack thereof.

 

 

Someone whose love language is gifts might feel like the more they spend the nicer they are being. Or they might feel the time they spent tracking down the perfect gift shows how much love they are trying to express. Buying gifts does not mean someone doesn't take time or show interest. 

 

 

From my experience, what prevents kids growing up to be entitled little sods has nothing at all to do with receiving "too much" and everything to do with the amount they are expected to give. 

[Garga]

And look how unhappy it makes them. There is always someone who has more money. Does that really mean that they love more?

 

Time and interest in individuals is usually a better indicator of love, no matter what "love language" or words people want to use.

We might be talking a bit past each other. Have you read the book or the website about love languages? For someone whose love language is gifts, the cost of the gift isn't a factor. They can receive a flower picked from the side of the road and feel full to the brim with love. "Gasp! Someone stopped and thought about me long enough to pick this flower for me! I'm so loved!"

 

So a true gift love languager does know it's not about the money, yes. But it can also be tricky if they have so many things they want to give to shower love on someone and just can't. They might think the recipient won't be happy with a weedy flower picked from the side of the road (even though they would love receiving it) and then stress about finding a gift that shows their depth of love.

 

It's tricky and messy, but I wouldn't say that everyone whose love language is gifts is miserable because of it.

 

I think if you read about it, you'd see what it's all about. We don't know if the person in the OP's love language is gift giving, but if it is and if they feel that they can't express their love, then yes, it's a problem. Which is why the advice to let grandma get a gift that she *knows* the kids will adore might be just the ticket.

 

If her love language isn't gifts, then other advice can work--like being the grandma that provides experiences. However, the love language of "time spent together on experiences" is a real love language that will affect different people in different ways. Some people feel extremely loved when they spend lots of time together and for others it just won't have the same impact.

 

The 5 Love languages:

 

1. Gifts

2. Acts of service (like a man dusting the house for his wife--this does nothing for me, but for some women it means LOVE)

3. Words of affirmation (this is mine--you flatter me and I'm all yours)

4. Time spent together (this is my secondary language--I love it when I get to spend undivided time with someone, I feel so happy.)

5. Touch (this doesn't have to mean sensual touch. A child that always snuggles or likes to wrestle with a sibling could be someone who feels love by touch. Or a person you know who always touches your arm when she's talking or gives you big hugs when you meet or say goodbye might feel loved by touch.)

 

 

Well...this is digressing. I just wanted to say that for some people giving or receiving gifts can be a powerful act of love. So if a Gift-Grandma can't give gifts, she'll have to come to terms with that and it can be hard.

 

The best thing is to find out what love language the kids have and have grandma "speak" to them in that language.

 

ETA: Sounds like time is your love language. :). From you writing this: "Time and interest in individuals is usually a better indicator of love, no matter what "love language" or words people want to use."

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Edited December 4, 2016 by Garga

[heartlikealion]

Ok so I am not yet a grandmother, but this is the kind of thing that I do think about. Some thoughts: 

 

I think what you are already doing by giving your mom ideas for "most wanted" gifts is awesome. 

 

Your mom wants her grandkids to love her---as much as they love their other gp's.

 

Your mom isn't crazy. Kids are materialistic and they can measure love with "stuff." As foster parents, for instance,  we were told to be careful not to buy too much for the foster child (we had only him at the time) as that could interfere with the desire to be reunited with the bio parents. And I think of my own childhood and yeah, I valued "stuff" even though as an adult, I am very content with second hand everything. 

 

So I would tend to ask your mom some questions about where the comparisons are coming from: is she afraid the grandchildren will not love her as much? Will not think she loves them as much?

 

Could she give them "experience" gifts? The time I spent with grandparents was very important to me. Despite my statement above that I valued "stuff", I also valued things like walks with my GM through the woods with her teaching me the names of flowers, birds, etc; learning to bake with my GM and being allowed to actually make my own pies, etc; being allowed to make glitter messes at GM's; GM playing the piano while her granddaughters danced in costumes from the attic. I can only recall two presents from a GP, on the other hand: a doll I really wanted and a plastic "grocery store". And we had 3 sets of GPs and got a lot of gifts. 

 

I disagree with above posters to just tell her to knock it off. I would try hard to understand her perspective and I think reassurance is appropriate unless she's always had a tendency to fish for compliments/attention via bids of inferiority. 

 

I was going to say more or less the same thing. I think your mom needs reassurance, in a gentle way. "Mom, please don't compare yourself to others. We are just happy to spend the holiday with you/we are happy with what you gave us/etc." I don't know the right words, but I'm sure you'll find them.

 

I don't know if you have to discuss the DC thing at all. Maybe say nothing unless it comes up. At that point try to downplay it.

 

I like giving gifts and I sometimes get insecure about the worth of what I can give. But I don't consider receiving gifts my love language (I would rather acts of service or praise or quality time). There is an angel tree at church. I seriously thought to myself about a couple of the ornaments left hanging on the tree... like if no one is going to take that I could... but I couldn't spend much. This person wanted a watch. If I took it, they'd get like a $20 watch but if someone with more income got it, they could probably afford a nicer one. You know? So I just left it there.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy..