Anyone willing to talk about burnout?

[lewelma]

I think I'm sinking back in.  I fell into the hole about 4 years ago, and it took me a full year to dig my way out.  ....

 

[deleted for privacy]

 

And I find that huge responsibility to feel very much like a burden right now.  :crying:

 

Ruth in NZ

Edited June 5, 2016 by lewelma

[Mike in SA]

Yep, DW is going through the same thing.  We were hoping to get our younger one into a school this year, but had to rethink it when we saw he had already completed the next 4-5 years of their curriculum.  It can be overwhelming.

 

We now have to find ways to allow DS to accelerate where he wants to (cosmology) without stepping too far into the collegiate world before he is ready.  That means WE (and largely DW) have to learn the material, because much of it will be esoteric by today's standards.

 

[Chrysalis Academy]

I can relate. My younger isn't E, 2 or otherwise, but she is . . . daunting. I feel horribly burnt out and conflicted about whether to continue homeschooling with her. We are just limping to the end of this school year. I had to leave the house and take a walk around the block yesterday, or I would have said something irrevocable. That I would have regretted. 

 

:grouphug:

[Tsutsie]

One day at a time. 

Day after day, after day. 

 

Be the inspiration to yourself as you are to others. You have made it this far - you can do it!

Edited May 25, 2016 by Tsutsie

[73349]

:grouphug:  Take care of yourself.

[Arcadia]

Yape. Outsourced all classes since last August. It is alot easier for me to just nag/remind. Hubby and/or me doing the instuction was never on the table so it has always been school or lots of tutors.

 

Burnout does tend to come in cycles. Physically, I hit burnout stage every few years as in crash and nap in the waiting area while kids are at class.

[Miss Tick]

So is this anticipatory burn-out for the high school years?

Or were you already on the track to burn-out and hoping to leap off the train right before it crashed into high school?

 

What finally worked last time?

 

I'm sorry I can't offer more concrete help to you, someone I find to be such a valuable asset to my virtual community.

Edited May 25, 2016 by SusanC

[quark]

I'm not sure what's true in your family Ruth, but in many families with >1 kid that I've had the privilege to know, usually there one kid who prefers a lot of structure and guidance/ handholding in their pursuit of excellence/ higher knowledge and one more who would really thrive being able to follow their own brilliantly creative, thirsting-to-be-free spirit.

 

I am not saying unschool exactly because I don't know your son or have the expertise to suggest that but as someone who probably was like him when I was younger, I know I would have appreciated following my own bunny trails with a lot of strewing of good resources. I would have loved to know how some of my heroes became who they were and what they did to overcome adversity. And I would have loved to have had a capable, strong, compassionate parent being my fellow learning companion vs telling me what to do (I know you are not the latter, just saying *I* had the latter).

 

When we hit burnout (usually around times of the most extreme asynchrony and just before a significant cognitive leap), we took long days away from academics to read. We did that the most. Better still if it was a rainy day cos we would have a good hot cup of cocoa with us (ice cream on hot ones). We are not outdoorsy folks or we would have done that but from time to time we did go out for nature walks, brought our cameras with us, took photos, listened to audiobooks on the way etc. We ate out, cuddled a lot, watched old movies, listened to funny songs. And yes, fought too but I think we just needed to get some things out of our system. We took time to think and heal from it. I strongly suggest a few days of rest. Time always helps worries to heal some what and some times even sort themselves out.

 

:grouphug:

Edited May 25, 2016 by quark

[Arcadia]

Having a workaholic personality, what help was alternating between Nike's slogan of "Just do it" and Kit Kat's slogan of "Have a break, have a KitKat".

 

I do agree with Quark. Many times solutions present themselves after you let the problems simmer for awhile. It is kind of like fight or flight, sometimes flight to recharge makes more sense than continuous fighting.

 

Take time, let whatever results sink in and then plan your strategy.

 

When my DS10 processing speed score was much lower than DS11, it make sense in what hubby and I see day to day with him. Yet a few months ago, his opthamologist mentioned his tracking issues at certain range. He now reads without glasses and reads faster, he needs his glasses for other range. Also at a certain range, he sight reads his flute music scores a lot easier without glasses, versus slower at all range with glasses. With all the vision "accommodations", my DS10 is now reading at a normal pace instead of turtle crawling with the same level of comprehension.

 

I love the outdoors but have pollen allergy so I am hiding in my concrete jungle (library) and admiring nature by looking out :lol: I have lots more mental and emotional energy which is why I burnout on the physical health aspect. I need to be a beach bum this summer :)

 

ETA:

My DS11 physically crashed last week. Mentally he is an energizer bunny but physically he was exhausted from lack of sleep. He slept in for a day to recharge.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Arcadia

[mathnerd]

My cousin has twins, one with autism and the other has severe ADHD. She is always upbeat and energetic and doing a million things with them (including therapies and "mainstreaming" activities). When I ask her how she manages to be who she is, she always says that "somebody has to do what it takes, and that somebody is me". I have taken that thought and used it whenever I have felt myself burning out. I am more mindful of self care these days as well (this includes diet and exercise) and as you say, "it is all up to me", so I might as well do it.

 

Take a few months off with your younger son and do something unstructured such as reading, book discussions, current events discussions and outdoor activities. You can decide how to tackle his high school progression in the meantime.

[serendipitous journey]

Willing to talk about burnout?  No.    

 

:leaving:

 

 

well, seriously, I'm living the life here.  It has been quite a year. 

 

What helps me lately:

1.  Stoicism.  In the fall I read a bunch of Epictetus, Aurelius, Musonius Rufus (all in translation -- can't read Latin).  It helped. 

2.  Humor.  Terry Pratchett, whatever.  Helps balance #1. 

3.  Trying very hard to find time to eat well, exercise, and get a bit of mental space. 

4.  The only way my life makes sense to me is to acknowledge that I have a special needs child  special needs children.  It is just going to look imbalanced from any perspective that assumes neurotypical kids. 

5.  I believe, to my very bones, that having decided to have these children means I must be dedicated to raising them well.  I had a hard time conceiving #1 and I can remember how much I would have sacrificed to have any child at all, even one much more challenged & challenging than the one I have. 

6.  Sometimes I call DH for a pep talk.  He's terrific.  On Very Bad Days I've been known to wake him up at like 3 AM when he's at a conference overseas.  Only happened 1x last year, I think, when I was so overwrought I couldn't sleep at all. 

 

I also think it is okay to feel overwhelmed (ie normal and not a sign of terrible wrongness, not "okay" as in the way it ought to be) and okay to consider lots of radical options in caring for the children & yourself & the family. 

 

I've been off the boards mostly this year (focused on using Memoria Press stuff with the boys, it has been helpful but will not be The Solution) but today realized that #2 is going to be about as hard to educate well as #1, so I'm at a local low point.   I hope!!!!! I'd hate for this to be the new high!!!!!

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: one challenge we have here is that I don't get "time off" b/c my older child just cracks up without regular, hard, academic work.  The relentlessness is hard.  I am Christian (not exactly orthodox) and sometimes it helps to think that all my moments are dedicated to God, so the specifics of how I spend them isn't something I get to pick.     But one has to balance that with the sheer necessity of taking care of oneself as a worthy person in one's own right. 

 

 

Edited May 25, 2016 by serendipitous journey

[Chrysalis Academy]

I'm not sure what's true in your family Ruth, but in many families with >1 kid that I've had the privilege to know, usually there one kid who prefers a lot of structure and guidance/ handholding in their pursuit of excellence/ higher knowledge and one more who would really thrive being able to follow their own brilliantly creative, thirsting-to-be-free spirit.

 

I am not saying unschool exactly because I don't know your son or have the expertise to suggest that but as someone who probably was like him when I was younger, I know I would have appreciated following my own bunny trails with a lot of strewing of good resources. I would have loved to know how some of my heroes became who they were and what they did to overcome adversity. And I would have loved to have had a capable, strong, compassionate parent being my fellow learning companion vs telling me what to do (I know you are not the latter, just saying *I* had the latter).

 

When we hit burnout (usually around times of the most extreme asynchrony and just before a significant cognitive leap), we took long days away from academics to read. We did that the most. Better still if it was a rainy day cos we would have a good hot cup of cocoa with us (ice cream on hot ones). We are not outdoorsy folks or we would have done that but from time to time we did go out for nature walks, brought our cameras with us, took photos, listened to audiobooks on the way etc. We ate out, cuddled a lot, watched old movies, listened to funny songs. And yes, fought too but I think we just needed to get some things out of our system. We took time to think and heal from it. I strongly suggest a few days of rest. Time always helps worries to heal some what and some times even sort themselves out.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is a fabulous post, thank you so much.  This is what I'd like to spend the summer doing, if we can ever make it through 4th grade math.  It's funny, because for every other subject, she just is where she is, and I have no trouble stopping wherever and picking up whenever. But I've got it firmly in my head that we have to stay on track in math. It is my hill to die on, or my line in the sand, or whatever even as I compromise or change my style in every other subject.    It's not that she has trouble with math, it's just that we still have 32 pages till we're done.  And it's taking a loooong time.  Doing more than 2 pages a day usually isn't that practical, that's all she really has focused juice for.  And 16 days feels like longer than I still want to be doing school.  Waaaah. :nopity:

[JennW in SoCal]

Sometimes I had to just be mom for a while in order to recharge.  I'd take a month off around Christmas and 2-3 months in the summer and would just enjoy family stuff with the kids -- going to the movies, baking cookies, letting them veg out in front of video games while I did things I enjoyed like reading or gardening.  It didn't lessen the challenge of homeschooling, but I was refreshed enough to tackle it after each break, and it gave me a clearer perspective to make decisions.

 

Don't dismiss brick and mortar schools completely.  I've known some asynchronous kids who wanted a school setting and successfully made it work. It might not have been the perfectly tailored schooling their moms had envisioned, but it worked and they've successfully gone off to college.

 

Which I guess leads to another point. From my perspective as a now veteran homeschooler I'm feeling less and less that what I did as a homeschool mom mattered. What I did as a mom was important, and it was a good thing we homeschooled, but the details weren't as overwhelmingly huge as I thought along the way. (The 32 pages of math, Rose, won't matter in the long run. ;) )  I, too, was overwhelmed to think my children's education "is ALL on me" and I was further overwhelmed by focusing on making that education the best.  But I couldn't do it all, and beat myself up over giving only a "good enough" education.  You know what? That "good enough" education was really ok. Both are happy and successful young adults.  One just graduated summa cum laude from college and his professors raved and raved about him.  

 

Shoot, the year my mom and father-in-law each were ill and eventually passed away I was able to do little more than read aloud to my kids, who were then 13 and 10. It seemed we barely touched math -- it was a bad homeschool year, to say the least. To my utter amazement, my resilient kids were just fine and we moved on the next school year as if nothing had happened. I have fond memories of the afternoons reading aloud to my kids during that bad year. It really created a strong family bond.

 

Kids take matters into their own hands soon enough. If they are driven to go to competitive schools they will do what is necessary to get there. If they want to learn more and fill in the gaps we've left, they will read and research and find college courses to take. If they want to learn a skill or trade they will find that path.  Our job is to love them, and to keep that love of learning open, and to do what seems the best at the time even if it doesn't live up to our expectations.

 

:grouphug:  Take care of yourself, Ruth, and don't make any decisions til you take a nice long break and feel ready.

[lewelma]

Thanks so much, guys, for the kind words and giving me a lot to think about. I'm busy with school for a few hours, but I'll write more later. 

 

Ruth in NZ

[Alte Veste Academy]

I'm not sure what's true in your family Ruth, but in many families with >1 kid that I've had the privilege to know, usually there one kid who prefers a lot of structure and guidance/ handholding in their pursuit of excellence/ higher knowledge and one more who would really thrive being able to follow their own brilliantly creative, thirsting-to-be-free spirit.

That is so true here! DS13 has conversations with me about his goals, short and long term, but then he wants me to pick his resources, structure his work, assign it, teach it, review it, and move on. He wants boxes to check and to know EXACTLY what is ahead. He has firm ideas about what he likes, but he doesn't like to hold the reins.

 

DD11, on the other hand, is like, this is what I want to do, this is what I want to use, this is what I don't want to use (no matter how awesome you think it is, Mom), this is when I want to do it, you're welcome for me telling you all about it, now let me go do it...oh, and I might change my mind at any time. She rides bareback. :lol:

 

DS10 is a nice mix. He could talk ALL DAY LONG (LOL) about what he wants to do and what kinds of resources he wants and what aspirations he has. After our talks, he wants me to pick it, pace it schedule wise, and then he will do it with such a great attitude in whatever order he wants on a daily basis. So far he is my easy one! Such a fantastic work ethic! Knock on wood it continues!

 

From my perspective as a now veteran homeschooler I'm feeling less and less that what I did as a homeschool mom mattered. What I did as a mom was important, and it was a good thing we homeschooled, but the details weren't as overwhelmingly huge as I thought along the way.

 

Kids take matters into their own hands soon enough. If they are driven to go to competitive schools they will do what is necessary to get there. If they want to learn more and fill in the gaps we've left, they will read and research and find college courses to take. If they want to learn a skill or trade they will find that path.  Our job is to love them, and to keep that love of learning open, and to do what seems the best at the time even if it doesn't live up to our expectations.

What I wrote above about my kids, what I've realized about them over the past year, is exactly what you wrote. They are who they are. They will end up in very different places because of those innate differences, even if I gave them all the same education. I am nurturing the heck out of them, LOL, but they are so different it is just a lot of nonsense on my part to think I can have more influence as a teacher than nature will allow. So recognizing and respecting their differences is probably the most important teaching tool in my arsenal.

[serendipitous journey]

Ruth, I've been thinking of you today.  So many hugs!  :grouphug:

 

I can imagine that the feedback about the degree of 2E-ness in your younger son is daunting, particularly if you'd been -- at some level -- expecting him to go outside the home for his upper school education.  It sounds like you are dealing with the implications of the testing for your child's educational and perhaps lifetime plans as well as yourself already being already completely extended in terms of your resources: and you feel the need to do even more than you'd expected. 

 

I just want to echo what other have said about being kind to yourself, and your family, and relaxing about your son's near-term academic work if this gives space & grace for recentering and restoring yourself.  At least until after Hong Kong, maybe?

 

Also: you probably know this, but it does get better.  Sometimes there's no way to the other side except through; but you are aware of the stresses, and of facing burnout, and I believe that there are ways to mitigate this stress and anxiety and be renewed in spirit & purpose.  I'm not sure what they _are_ yet, for you in this situation, but you are a woman with incredible gifts & resources & grace and you are already being proactive in working through this. 

 

oh, another hug!

[Alte Veste Academy]

I don't know much about your younger son, lewelma, but I've always noted the "big reader" thing about him in your signature. I see that as self-propelled, maybe because my big reader is such a relief in that way. I have a GREAT reader...when he's reading what he wants to read. (Enough nonfiction, child. Time to read a novel!) I have a fast but oh so very doggone picky reader who has to be fascinated or she checks out. (If you can't tell me who the Lord of the Flies was and what happened to Simon, then no, you have not read the book for comprehension. She is a skimmer of descriptive writing...much like Mom. :blush: ) And then I have my BIG reader, who will read literally anything I hand him happily, without complaint. He reads all, remembers all.  :001_wub:

 

I doubt that helps much, but I just wanted to add it in case it does. I see my big reader as my easiest student, frankly, because it is such a blessing to have a kid open to all the possibilities. So many different avenues, so much learning. Somehow I feel it takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. 

Edited May 26, 2016 by Alte Veste Academy

[Black-eyed Suzan]

:grouphug:

 

First of all, thank you for being sincere and open. It helps me when I feel overwhelmed to know that I'm not alone and plenty of others have walked this path before me (or are walking it at the same time).

 

I think it is ok to feel the way you do, because it means that you are taking your job seriously. Frankly, I would be concerned about the homeschool parent who never felt burdened with the responsibility of providing an education to their child/children.

 

Quark brings up a good point: that you have at least one other major stress in your life right now. It seems to me that it is reasonable to wait to think about the distant future until your older son is back from his adventure. At the very least, you will have one less burden on your shoulders at that point.

 

You've received excellent advice so far, and since I'm not as far along on the journey as you I hesitate to add anything, anyway. But I will remind you that SWB has talked about this, in case you haven't heard it or need to hear it again.

 

https://peacehillpress.com/p/burning-out-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it-mp3/#Overview

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited May 26, 2016 by Black-eyed Suzan

[lewelma]

Thanks guys.  :001_wub:

 

Please don't quote:

 

I struggle with embracing both sides of every idea.  I *am* stoic and put one foot in front of the other day after day, and I make sure to look after myself.  But it is as if I can't find the balance.  The days that I put myself first and do less school, I feel so guilty.  But the days that I work through the strain, I think that I do my children a terrible disservice because I am moody and exhausted.  I don't want them to remember homeschooling that way.  So I struggle to put on a good face, and then I think that that is a terrible idea because kids should see real emotion and I'm not doing them any favors by hiding it.  The balance is just not right.

 

[deleted for privacy]

 

So this weekend, older ds has asked for a video game weekend because he will be losing his entire 2-week school holidays to the IMO/ first university class, and younger ds will lose his because he is joining a production since his big brother will not be around to play. So I said yes even though I have never done this before. So I'm off for 2 of the 3 days (I tutor the other) while they play video games all day, and I think I will just watch movies.....

 

This is probably way TMI  :blush: , I'm sure I will delete it tomorrow. Sigh. But I'm talking burnout, and I need to get it fixed! It is not as bad as it was last time because now I know what to look for, but this time it seems so much harder to conquer because my kids are older and my choices seem to matter more.

 

Ruth in NZ

Edited June 5, 2016 by lewelma

[Arcadia]

It took a whole village of cousins and aunts to watch over me as a kid :lol: Even public school teachers who never taught me knew about my exploits.

 

My brother was the walk in the park behaviour wise but "behind" academic wise.

 

What my mom who gets physically burnt out due to thyroid and anemia did was to decide what she is okay with outsourcing and what she rather not. My cousins could tutor me math now and then. An english tutor did speech/debate. My dad is great with laundry. My maternal aunt is a great cook and don't mind cooking more to feed four more mouths. Another maternal aunt who is great at tailoring help alter and mend our clothes.

 

I had two minor burn out in 9th-12th, one at college, one after four years of working and one when my kids were 7 & 8 years old. Outsourcing for a season helped. My kids attended classes for the fun factor while I paid less than what local babysitting would cost. My kids attended free classes at the library while I unwind. At one time there were so many parents (dads and moms) napping at the library while the kids were in the event room that it is hilariously sad that people are sleep deprived.

 

As for motivation, my brother has as his only aim to be able to get a job where he can provide food and roof to his future family. He had no idea what career he wanted. His motivation was just so simple and he went the GCE 'O' levels, polytechnic, university route to get his B.Eng.

 

My DS10 has his own issues and might take a circuitous route to find his goal. My hubby didn't take a straight path either to his current career. My hubby was mentally numbed by his first job which was in the area of militrary arms procurement as a govt employee. Something that his parents and relatives did not expect. From high school until now, hubby probably made 6 career (job nature) changes. Nothing is cast in stone.

 

My dad would worry about his "graduating" six graders because an excellent score at PSLE would get the kid into one of the elite secondary schools. He learned early to not panic about my academics for mental health reasons. As homeschooler you feel the responsibility burden as parent and teacher. Wearing two hats at a time is heavy.

 

:grouphug:

 

Hope your kids have a wonderful weekend :)

[4Kiddos]

Ruth,

 

 Thank you so much for starting this thread. I don't post here too often just because I am so busy homeschooling but I was looking around here today because I am really burnt out and just found this thread so encouraging. My oldest is finishing up his 2nd grade year but is in Pre-Algebra and reads at a college level. I can't keep up with the kid. My middle son is ahead too. And my third son starts Kindergarten this next fall. AHHH! And we just moved across the country. Anyway, this thread was so encouraging and just what I needed. Thank you

[pinewarbler]

I just hit the wall yesterday, so maybe the time of year is making these decisions more difficult for you? When I read the list of what you are doing with your kids, though, I wonder if you could outsource something, anything just for a term or so.

 

I can't bear to take on another thing right now, and both my kids are in school, and I only afterschool. My youngest couldn't possibly have his needs met by school, so like you, I feel this overwhelming responsibility to fix this. I think this weight makes it harder. It feels as if there is no choice. If you don't keep going at this level, your child won't get the education they deserve.

 

I coach the robotics team, run a math circle for HG kids (and I'm a designer, so that takes serious prep!!), tutor my kids in AoPS math, provide resources for both my kids' constant independent projects, volunteer at the school and do all the chores in and out of our house, as my husband is always working. Oh, did I mention that I also have to cook everything because youngest has multiple food allergies? So, I also train the entire school in anaphylaxis and maintain a grassroots parents group for same. Now, looking at what faces me in September, I am exhausted. I literally cannot bear to contact the school about starting that team back up again.. all I can think of is all the challenges I face, which are ridiculously steep.

 

I guess I'm saying that sending him to high school would still leave you with a lot of work, if you were going to do it right. If you do it yourself, you have time with your child, and you have the calm confidence that it will be done just fine. Enjoy spending the time with him, and take breaks, outsource, do it differently from the first one. Give yourself permission to be happy too.

[Chrysalis Academy]

Ruth, I know you said don't quote, so I won't, but I could have written your first paragraph of the last post.  It is *exactly* what is running through my head these days.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[visitor]

Dear Ruth , I also felt so overwelmed this week and decided to take a week off before any burn-out would come. On Monday and Thuesday I felt very guilty. Now I feel much better and will be able to teach my kids better. Take care and big huggs.

[Black-eyed Suzan]

Maybe a daily balance won't work, but a weekly (or monthly? seasonal?) balance will? 

[lewelma]

From my perspective as a now veteran homeschooler I'm feeling less and less that what I did as a homeschool mom mattered. What I did as a mom was important, and it was a good thing we homeschooled, but the details weren't as overwhelmingly huge as I thought along the way.

 

I need to talk about this, because I do believe that it is a part of my problem.  I have a friend who told me last month that she wished that she had not been a SAHM because now she was miserable being in lower paid work, and her kids don't remember all the things that she did with and for them before they went to school. In the end, I have to believe that it was worth it. There are pros and cons to all choices, and the pros of homeschooling must outweigh the cons both for myself and for my kids as there *is* stuff in school that they are missing out on. Part of my stress is associated with wanting to make school hours sacred, to put school first every single day, but then life happens.  There are simply things that need to get done, and if I don't do them during school hours, then they don't get done until after dinner or on the weekends. It is this belief that what I do matters that causes the stress.  But I think the reverse, that what I do doesn't matter would be worse.  The choices I make each day add up to the whole of their education. Each choice each day needs to matter, or I just wouldn't have the drive to do them.  Does that make sense?

 

I'm starting to think that it is the multitasking that is the problem. I wonder if I schedule admin, chores, appointments for specific days and times, that I could reduce the doing two things at once, and reduce the stress I feel about letting my younger down.

 

In addition, I think I have picked up too much tutoring.  I love it and the kids but I am currently teaching 10th grade math; 11th grade maths, physics, bio, and English; and 12th grade Bio and Stats. This in addition to AP Chem and AP English with my older and all of 7th grade with my younger.  Plus I need to prep for Calculus for next year.  Clearly, I bit off more than I can chew. :eek: The problem is that I really like it and enjoy brushing up on subjects long gone from my mind. End of year is November for us, so I might be stuck with this list until then. 

[Dmmetler]

FWIW, I usually take a couple of weeks off at the start of summer and marathon something on Amazon Prime or Netflix. This year, it's Sabrina, The Teenage Witch :). I need light, funny and airy. I need something simple. I need something DD can drift in and out and watch with me-or go outside and bond with her frogs.

 

What I didn't need, but got, was having to go to Illinois due to a death in the family. Well, maybe next week...

[Alte Veste Academy]

Multitasking is a no-go for me. I set aside school hours as my work hours, and I stay on task...even if that is sometimes just sitting next to a working kid reading a book, checking work, reading the boards... I do things before and after school and during my "lunch hour" but I do try to keep school hours sacred. I've come to realize that it's better for things to happen on the evenings and weekends than for me to feel frazzled and conflicted during school. That said, it doesn't sound like you have any kind of spare time. That is a lot of tutoring! You have a lot on your plate! 

 

Rambling ahead...

 

You know, I found myself agreeing with and relieved by Jenn's post, but I totally agree with yours as well. They sound contradictory, but I'm not sure they are. That we are homeschooling at all (a parenting decision) matters so much! It has been the single most meaningful parenting decision DH and I have made, in particular for my two boys, who have enough asynchrony and quirkiness that homeschooling is the best choice, but also for my DD, who would be a spectacular success at any school she went to but has been given the gift of growing into who she is with confidence and very little outside pressure. By homeschooling, I may not be changing their nature, but I am profoundly affecting their self-esteem, their thought processes, their emotional health, and how they feel in their own skin. 

 

If this big decision matters more than any other I've ever made, of course the daily decisions that add up to that matter too! I am responding to their personalized needs in a way I know wouldn't be possible at school, playing to strengths while shoring up weaknesses, without judgment or stigma. For me, it's responding to the details of who they are and what they need that is the stuff that matters. Oh my goodness, the nurturing is important. But I think parenting and homeschooling lines blur, and my best homeschooling happens when I'm most thoughtful about them as people rather than as students. 

 

I think Jenn's point was that we can't change their nature. However, we can teach them how to function in a way that takes advantage of it. In your case, you are responding to your DS's nature. If what he needs (and it sounds similar to what my DS13 needs) is a high amount of Mom-made structure and guidance, then meeting those needs absolutely matters, down to the smallest detail. 

 

The stuff that doesn't matter, for me, and what I thought of while reading Jenn's post, are the details I have fussed over through the years that could be applicable to any kid I pulled off the street. LOL Like all the early years I spent lining up art, music, food, x, y, and z to history. Well, they liked that. Enjoyed it, all of them. But they cared about that or they didn't. DS is a STEM kid. He liked learning the songs for American history, but it didn't make him want to major in American history. It was a lot of work for me that ultimately didn't change anything about who they would become in the end. That level of planning (aka insanity) wasn't necessarily meeting their needs. It was meeting my needs. 

 

The stuff that does really matter—why I'm here, why this is my calling, why what I do every day is so important and necessary—is the stuff where I am really thinking about who they are, what they need today/this month/this year. I'm at my best when I get that done without all the stupid stuff I think I ought to do getting in the way of it. 

[lewelma]

Wonderful post, AVA. I think part of my stress has to do with focusing on the schooling at the expense of the nurturing. I think my balance is off.  But the days that I am nurturing are the days that the mom-made structure flies out the window. Then, it feels like just one more day where poor choices were made because school work was left behind. There can really only be so many ineffective days before a year is lost. But I really struggle to nurture and to motivate at the same time.  I do try, and I do get it right a lot of the time, but by age 12 I am starting to feel very much like he needs to own it. But with this new 2E label I'm left to wonder if perhaps my expectations have been just too high for too long.  He couldn't do the work independently, because he actually could not do it.  And now that perhaps he could, he has had an entire childhood of hand holding and it is a hard habit to break. It seems to me that homeschooling gives kids the opportunity to learn in a caring environment, but I do vacillate between thinking I'm expecting too much and that I am too lax.  I am just so understanding of the struggles of being 12, but at some point I also need to hold the line and help him develop some drive and motivation. I think I live a life of paradoxes. 

 

 

[lewelma]

So is this anticipatory burn-out for the high school years?

Or were you already on the track to burn-out and hoping to leap off the train right before it crashed into high school?

 

What finally worked last time?

 

I'm sorry I can't offer more concrete help to you, someone I find to be such a valuable asset to my virtual community.

No, I don't think I was on track for burn out, only to jump ship by putting my ds in school. I didn't actually ever expect school to be on the table. But in the past year, younger ds has needed more and more attention and interaction, so I had started to at least have the idea of school in the back of my head as a fall back option.  We are zoned for the best school in the country (public OR private) based on test scores, but I tutor kids who have been horribly bullied there.  It is an all boys school and I think it would eat my little one up as he is just so gentle and loving.  Not really a boys school kind of kid. But I think the reality of the 2E is starting to sink in.  I think he covered up his dysgraphia so well with his high IQ, that really he has just seemed kind of unmotivated.  I feel quite badly that I have misjudged him for so long. I was really quite shocked by his math subscore as it matched his brother's, but without the ability to write, he has always been so sluggish and oppositional with his work. So this past 3 weeks, I just kind of made a jump of two years and put him in 10th grade math.  15 minutes of handwritten algebra with a buzzer and the rest done orally. This has been hugely successful. So much better attitude I can't even describe it.  So once again, my misjudgement has led to conflict, and although I don't blame myself, I do feel if I had really seen it earlier, he would be in a better place now.

 

As for what helped last time, well, it was picking up the tutoring. Having kids and parents appreciate me and value my skills was and is wonderful.  The problem is that now the tutoring is adding a bit to my burnout.  Not that doing the work is tiring, because I love it.  More that my boys are feeling a bit like it is getting in the way of my educating them.  This pull in two directions definitely leads to stress for me.  I want to both focus on their education but also focus on what makes me happy which is tutoring.  Once again, it seems my burnout comes from vacillating between two equally valid sides. I this lack of clarity in how to prioritize my own goals leads to a feeling of burnout. I definitely need to think that one through.

[lewelma]

 

Also: you probably know this, but it does get better.  Sometimes there's no way to the other side except through; but you are aware of the stresses, and of facing burnout, and I believe that there are ways to mitigate this stress and anxiety and be renewed in spirit & purpose.  I'm not sure what they _are_ yet, for you in this situation, but you are a woman with incredible gifts & resources & grace and you are already being proactive in working through this. 

 

Thanks for this.  :001_wub:

[Arcadia]

As for what helped last time, well, it was picking up the tutoring. Having kids and parents appreciate me and value my skills was and is wonderful. The problem is that now the tutoring is adding a bit to my burnout. Not that doing the work is tiring, because I love it. More that my boys are feeling a bit like it is getting in the way of my educating them. This pull in two directions definitely leads to stress for me. I want to both focus on their education but also focus on what makes me happy which is tutoring. Once again, it seems my burnout comes from vacillating between two equally valid sides. I this lack of clarity in how to prioritize my own goals leads to a feeling of burnout. I definitely need to think that one through.

Maybe Regentrude would have BTDT advice for you. Balancing the need for self fulfilment and the need to be your kids' main educator without feeling torn like an internal tug of war.

[Donna]

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, not quite to the point of burnout but balancing on the edge. I hear you, lewelma, about the multi-tasking. There is just so much to do that I have to purposefully shut 3/4 of what I need to get done out of my brain. This isn't easy and I am not good at it…still working on it.

 

I feel like my brain is overloaded. My work is crazy…so many children in need of therapy and waiting lists months long with constant pressure to take more on my caseload. I only work two days a week but, with frequent travel for my kids' music, I feel I am constantly working extra days when we are home to make up patients. I'm not an outgoing person and being a manager for the kids' music is sometimes exhausting...the contacting, scheduling, and planning. Then there is high school to plan. I feel like high school matters and I need to know everything to make sure dd is prepared for whatever she decides to do in college…only the kind of "prepared" I was prepared for is not at all the kind that fits my kid and I am changing plans to make things work for the kid I have. I know math and science…I am learning as I go with this music thing.

 

I feel like I am constantly on the computer researching, contacting, organizing, planning, scheduling, rescheduling, etc… 

 

My paradox is that some of the things that make me feel overwhelmed are often those same things that help me recharge. I love to travel and see things and with the kids' music I get to do this a lot. Afterward, I feel recharged and ready to go again except there are patients to reschedule which takes time away from homeschooling when we've already done school on the road for a few days. Worrying about planning school is stressful but actually having a plan and spending time with dd talking about her goals or doing school with her or watching the amazing young woman she is growing is a gift. Feeling the need to get my garden planted is stressful when I feel I have no time to do it but actually doing the weeding and planting helps me recharge and I love to spend an hour or so at night tending to it. Parts of work are stressful like the constantly changing paperwork, the pressure to work more hours, the need to reschedule to fit family schedules (my patient's and mine), and the need to juggle work with school and travel but when I am with my patients and their families, I love what I do. 

 

There just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get to everything I want to do especially with everything I need to do.

 

Sorry, I don't have any answers. Still trying to figure it out, myself. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  :grouphug:

[lewelma]

Donna you expressed very much what I am feeling.  :grouphug:  

 

I just spent 3.5 hours on official assessments/music/DE/production administration tasks.  3.5 hours!  I often try to get this done while working with my younger, but then it is always chopped up and I have a hard time stopping on a dime and redirecting my attention to my ds's school work.  It is that time confetti thing.  I can use the little pieces for admin, but when I do, school work definitely suffers.  I'm beginning to think I need to schedule one full hour everyday to get it done and stay on top of it. My dad used to do this.  We were NOT allowed to speak to him for the first hour after he came home because he was 'reading' the mail, which meant admin back in those days. Now where am I going to get an hour every day?   :toetap05:

[Incognito]

I just want to put in that I empathize with the feelings you are having related to losing the school option for your younger son.  In getting our 2E results a few years ago, I had to process my own grief about the loss of what I had been envisioning for myself (and what I had as my stress-relieving fall-back plan).  It isn't a little thing to have the plans you have (ever so tentatively charted out in your brain) erased, and new plans pencilled in.  

 

FWIW, finding the balance between being overly lax, properly supportive, or oppressively pushy with a 2E kid is like walking on a tightrope.  Sometimes I've got it all figured out and I think I could join the circus with my act.  Other times it is a wonder I am still standing with the near precipitous drops and unpredictable vacillation along the wire.

 

[lewelma]

I just want to put in that I empathize with the feelings you are having related to losing the school option for your younger son.  In getting our 2E results a few years ago, I had to process my own grief about the loss of what I had been envisioning for myself (and what I had as my stress-relieving fall-back plan).  It isn't a little thing to have the plans you have (ever so tentatively charted out in your brain) erased, and new plans pencilled in.  

 

FWIW, finding the balance between being overly lax, properly supportive, or oppressively pushy with a 2E kid is like walking on a tightrope.  Sometimes I've got it all figured out and I think I could join the circus with my act.  Other times it is a wonder I am still standing with the near precipitous drops and unpredictable vacillation along the wire.

Wow to the bolded. I had not perceived of it as grief and loss, but yeah I guess it is.  Plus, it is super hard to process the younger's results given what is going on with my older. It is *very* hard to give each child what he needs without undermining the other. They are at very different stages in their student life -- one with the huge success associated with diligence and perseverance, and the other at only the beginning of his journey to conquer what appears to be unconquerable.

 

Let me say it plainly, 2E sucks. Enough said.  

[Loesje22000]

When dd was entering grade 6 we attended an open door day of a good local school with options for gifted children.

I hoped to enroll her.

It was a slap in my face to hear they could not do anything for her: our homeschooling was too good, and I could come back if I could not handle the homeschooling any more.

One part was being flattered.

One part was in total shock.

With anything else on my plate I got depressed.

 

 

Obviously there is no one size fits all solution, I am even not sure it is one thing that changed that helped, but several things changed, and that helped.

One of the things we changed is dd starts the day with Latin (= working with DH or homework, but not with me)

I just needed some time between breakfast and lesson to get my house hold on the rails.

The same after 3pm, she has to work through (mostly readings) while I fix some things in and around the house, I need daylight for that.

 

This 'space' was not much, but needed on my side.

(Dd can have her sticky days, and these are most often heavy)

[Miss Tick]

Once again, it seems my burnout comes from vacillating between two equally valid sides. I this lack of clarity in how to prioritize my own goals leads to a feeling of burnout. I definitely need to think that one through.

Yes. I hear you on this. For a group of minor but large tasks i can sometimes schedule, or plan, my way out of those feelings, but you are juggling bigger tasks - education of your boys and your self-fulfillment. It does sound like you are also struggling between the practicalities of blocking out time for each task vs multitasking. Perhaps addressing that administrative aspect of how best to schedule things would be a lower pressure place to start. It would set clearer boundaries for everyone.

 

I hope I don't sounds like I am minimizing anything here. What you are describing will clearly not be solved with a new day-planner.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Is there anything you can decide to let go of to create more space in your day? For me it's cleaning. We have dust bunnies so big my daughter thinks they are pets, but I need time at the end of the day to read and study for my own sanity. So cleaning is basically just laundry and dishes. Everything else fends for itself. Cooking isn't much better. We cycle through the same four dinners. Because Latin makes me happy and meal planning doesn't.

 

Can you use the 2E diagnosis as a permission slip? "I have a kid with special needs, therefore I don't XXXX..." With XXXX being whatever you are throwing overboard for this season.

[deerforest]

Well, I just have one and she's moderately 2e. I say that because her giftedness is moderate and I think her 2e issues are too (some sort of working memory/ADHD inattentive, processing speed thing going on that's hard to parse out). But, I can share what has helped us both with the overwhelming feelings.

 

I work full time, often well in excess of 40+ hours a week as a manager for a large high-tech company. I have a very specific set of time set aside to work with DD. It's from 6am-10am. Sure, I can handle questions that come up after that, but direct 1:1 teaching can only happen during that time or on weekends. 

 

We were "do the next thing" type of learners/teachers but I was also trying to get her to take on more independent work. It suddenly occurred to me sometime in the middle of winter that we were both miserable. DD had no free time. She was spending a lot of time on work that shouldn't take that long. Our whole system was collapsing.

 

We finally sat down and worked out a plan for 40 minutes per subject per day, assuming 6 subjects per day. That puts at 4 hours of solid learning per day. That was exactly the same amount of time I had available each day. This was no an accident. :-)

 

It was also a very reasonable amount, but then we took it the next step. I got a special timer app for our phones and assigned each possible subject 40 minute blocks. So, when we start a subject, I started the timer and when it hit 40 min, we were done with that subject for the day. Sometimes we might finish up one last thought and go a couple minutes over or under, but we were done.

 

I no longer give her something else to do that day to reinforce something. Instead, I assign that for the next day and tell her to stop when she hit 40 min. Some days, we spend 20 min. together, and she does 20 min on her own. But, I gave her the ultimate power--she doesn't have to actually finish the work within that time. She stops when the time is up, not when the task is complete. It took us some experimenting to identify the optimal amount of work she can do without stressing, but giving her that power to stop has been extremely powerful for her. She feels more in control and is actually get more done than she used to!

 

But, I've also universally kept the output work to being done with me right next to her. Previously I had that be work that she did on her own, but it's exactly her problem area so no wonder she was spending hours wasting away. With me right next to her, I can help keep her on task for writing or math or whatever. 

 

Mostly she does reading or other less overwhelming tasks on her own.

 

We also have an agreement that if she wakes up late or we start late, she has to make up the missed school time. So, this means that on many days we complete all of our work within that 4 block of time. Then, she is done for the day! At 10am! She then has hours to do her own thing until her afternoon activities start. Typically, we end up doing more like 3 hours together so she has about an hour of reading or something like that to do on her own.

 

This has saved us. Truly. We both have very clear expectations and commitments to each other. 

 

The best part? She has gotten far more productive and has started to be able to work more quickly under "pressure" even though I have actually removed the pressure of task completion.

 

We still have our off and bad days, but I feel like this has been an amazing growth for us.

Edited May 27, 2016 by deerforest

[JoJosMom]

No advice, just :grouphug: .

 

I have found this quote about parenting to be apt:

 

“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.â€
― Debra Ginsberg

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm crispy fried.  I've started having nightmares.  This past year was probably the hardest ever and going into this new year isn't looking anymore promising. 

 

And now I'm having medical problems and DH talks about how much he hates his job.

 

Fun times.  I have no advice.  I imagine lots of people go through this crud. 

[lewelma]

Thanks guys for all the very specific advice. It was actually super helpful.  I'm starting to come up with a general plan, which I'm going to sit down and make specific.  I'm tutoring straight for the next 6 hours, so I'll write more later. Thanks heaps!

[lewelma]

I'm crispy fried.  I've started having nightmares.  This past year was probably the hardest ever and going into this new year isn't looking anymore promising. 

 

And now I'm having medical problems and DH talks about how much he hates his job.

 

Fun times.  I have no advice.  I imagine lots of people go through this crud. 

 

Oh Sparkly, how horrible.   :grouphug:  Sending you some peace. 

[ElizabethB]

Can you tutor someone at his level in a subject or two once or twice a week amd work with them together? Or can some of your tutoring students work with him a bit in their strengths? Then, you get to tutor and he gets more interaction. Or, could some of the parents of the students you are working with help with your son a bit with his simpler work? Or just their favorite hobbies or games with him? (Parents and/or students)

 

Our school next year will not look like what I had planned due to various constraints I have to work around. The kids are fine with it, but it will not be as much fun for me.

 

Can you fold laundry or grade other work while he is doing work that you just have to loosely monitor?

Edited May 28, 2016 by ElizabethB

[lewelma]

Well, I have decided that the problem is multitasking.  Basically, I've been trying to use my time confetti to get housework and admin tasks done and it is leading to my being frazzled.  Often I just want to finish a little task, so if ds asks me a question, I feel *interrupted*, even when it is for a subject that we agreed I would be available for.  Or I try to get the kitchen done or do a load of laundry, and then I am 5 or 10 minutes late for our agreed upon start time for a subject.  Not only is this making me frazzled and *annoyed*, it is also undermining his ability to develop focus and keep to the schedule that *he* requested and helped me design.  By the end of the day we are both cranky, and I am disappointed with what we have accomplished and how off schedule we are.

 

So here is what I'm going to do:

1) No more housework/admin during school hours 8-3.

2) I will *schedule* 3 hours admin time per week into my calendar

3) Laundry at night and weekends (sigh)

4) I will teach ds NOT to interrupt me when I am working with older ds (this drives me NUTS)

5) I will clarify the chores each boy is responsible for.  These are currently oral, and need to be posted in writing! so no nagging.

6) I will turn off the phone and only check texts during breaks

7) I will also do an hour of school planning each Sunday, so I'm not caught off guard with things I need to print or find

 

Basically I will treat my homeschooling as a classroom school teacher would. Focused without personal interruptions.

 

Seems pretty obvious now that I have written it all out, but I did not actually realize that multitasking was the problem until I ran this thread.  So thanks to everyone who contributed to my ah ha moment. :001_smile: I actually wonder if I love tutoring so much because I am totally focused on thing. Will be interesting to see if I start to enjoy my days more by making this switch.

[Black-eyed Suzan]

I'm so glad you've found a workable solution! Please keep us posted about how you feel after implementing the changes. Hooray!

[eternalsummer]

DH and I run a small business from home and have 5 kids 11 and under; only the oldest is in school.

 

Mine are not nearly as demanding as yours in terms of school requirements, as they are so young; DS8 who is homeschooled is also somewhat 2E, though.

 

I experience the same frustration you do with multitasking.  For me, it is that the work we do is largely online (my part of it, anyway) and while it can be done in little 1-2 minute segments while I am also making dinner, or talking with DS about rocks, or explaining a math concept, or changing a diaper, or whatever, in reality I find it much much more difficult to do a little bit of everything at once.

 

We probably don't do nearly as much school per day as you, but I have had to do it this way: after DD11 gets home from school, she is assigned to keep an eye on the little ones for 1.5-2 hours (off and on - DH is in the same room, but usually working, so she must do things like get a snack or clean up a spill or watch them make dirt piles in the backyard while they play and DH is available for emergencies).  Then I have that time to be in DS's room with him, just doing school, no distractions.  He reads and does investigations on his own time; the 1.5-2 hours is generally for projects he wants us to work on together and for instruction (and for me to enforce the practicing of cursive, for which he as little internal motivation).

 

I still feel, most days, like I have not succeeded fully at anything.  Homeschooling is not as great as it could be, we don't eat 3 healthy meals a day cooked from scratch, the house is almost never really clean, I am perpetually behind in the business (and not driving it forward as much as I could be, by a long shot), and I don't read enough books to the littles.

 

I thought this was because I had more responsibilities than I could really handle (lots of kids, a business, etc.) but really I think it is just that no one can do everything perfectly, especially when they're trying to do everything at more or less the same time.

 

I am going to be more conscientious about eliminating some of the multi-tasking.  Sometimes it is okay to just be making dinner :)  It is also okay not to do everything perfectly, or even as well as you could if it were the only thing you ever did.

 

Thanks for this post, lewelma.

[lewelma]

Isn't it hard.  Hugs to you  :grouphug: . After schooling my kids 8 to 3 or 4, I tutor 15-25 hours per week depending on when assessments are due.  There is just no way around it. I do a lot. I love being busy, but I don't like being pulled in 2 (or 3) directions.  It just stresses me out.  So here is to hoping that my gain from having a single focus is worth the extra hours tacked onto the end of my day and weekends. Only time will tell.

 

[Sahamamama]

If you wouldn't mind posting this (or PMing me), what did you do to climb back out? How did you know you were there? I'm working through something, not sure what it is, exactly. We had a very good year this year. I have a plan in place for next. But... something shifted.

 

Thanks, Ruth.

 

Edited June 10, 2016 by Sahamamama