How can I be merciful and fair at the same time?

[BamaTanya]

We were just talking about this plane trip. In fact, this week we gave the older ds a Nintendo DS as an early birthday present so he can have it before the trip.

 

Well . . . yesterday, ds8 (with Asperger's) comes in crying, holding the one he had gotten earlier this year for his birthday. It has been mangled by our dogs.

 

Dh and I were united. "You were irresponsible. You did not return it to a safe place. So sorry."

 

"But can't I get another one?"

 

"No, Son."

 

"How much do they cost?" This kid typically has between 0 and 5 dollars.

 

"More than you have."

 

"Can I get one for Christmas?"

 

"Don't know. We'll have to see how responsible you are. You have to learn to take care of your things."

 

"How long is it til Christmas?"

 

He cried and cried and cried. And cried.

 

I do NOT want to reward bad behavior/irresponsibility. But I feel responsible. He doesn't even get dressed by himself! If I had checked up on him . . .

 

That, plus the fact that it's the ONLY thing he got for his birthday. We normally do NOT spend that much money, but it was the only thing he asked for. He did not have a party. He got that from us. He got money to pick out a game from Grandpa. (The game is mangled, too.) We wanted each of our boys to have these to help entertain/distract them on the upcoming trip. We had planned to let them each pick out one new game so there would be something new for the trip.

 

There is no way he could earn enough money to buy another before our trip. .

 

I don't want to spend the money, either. We could, but we're not made of money, either. This trip will cost us a small fortune. And I'm still working, trying to get our cc paid off!

 

I'm sick over it. He is SO hyperactive, he drives the rest of us nuts everyday. Even on medication to help calm him a little. He's extremely impulsive and in trouble half the time. If not with us, then with his siblings. What will a trip be like when he's the only kiddo without a game?

 

It doesn't seem feasible to expect the others to share with him. Especially after what happened to his.

 

Ack. What would you do?

[Bonnie in VA]

Could you purchase a new one that is yours, with the understanding that you will lend it to your ds for a set period of time? This way you can reinforce the message that he has lost the privilege of having a device of his own. But, he has to learn to take care of his things, and you can give him the opportunity to demonstrate that he has learned a lesson by returning it to you at the end of the lending period, in good condition. Then, come Christmas, maybe he can get another one of his very own.

 

Good luck!

 

Bonnie

[Twinmom]

Given his special needs, I'd choose mercy in this case. "Fairness" for kiddos with special needs takes on a whole different meaning...to be treated the same as other siblings, you have to give him different accomodations, as "equal" requires a step up for him (believe me, I know of what I speak...ask me about my special needs kiddos sometime!).

 

I'd get him a new one, with the caveat that he'd be earning the money to replace it. Then, give him the opportunity to slowly earn the money through extra chores, etc. Tell him that since it's a special occasion, he'll be allowed to have the DS on the trip provided that he maintain excellent behavior (within his means, of course). Otherwise, he'll have to wait to use it until after he gets home and fully earns the cost.

[JudoMom]

Could you purchase a new one that is yours, with the understanding that you will lend it to your ds for a set period of time? This way you can reinforce the message that he has lost the privilege of having a device of his own. But, he has to learn to take care of his things, and you can give him the opportunity to demonstrate that he has learned a lesson by returning it to you at the end of the lending period, in good condition. Then, come Christmas, maybe he can get another one of his very own.

 

Good luck!

 

Bonnie

 

I like the idea of buying one for yourself and lending it to him. Maybe when you return, if he's been responsible with it, you can allow him to work for you to earn money to buy yours from you?

[Lisa in Jax]

If you decide to replace it, here's a link to a way to get a refurbished DS from GameStop for about $80.

 

http://www.gamestop.com/Catalog/ProductDetails.aspx?product_id=22260

HIH,

 

Lisa

Edited May 9, 2009 by Lisa in Jax
broken link

[Tammyla]

:iagree: And I'd work on training the dogs...goodness.

 

Given his special needs, I'd choose mercy in this case. "Fairness" for kiddos with special needs takes on a whole different meaning...to be treated the same as other siblings, you have to give him different accomodations, as "equal" requires a step up for him (believe me, I know of what I speak...ask me about my special needs kiddos sometime!).

 

I'd get him a new one, with the caveat that he'd be earning the money to replace it. Then, give him the opportunity to slowly earn the money through extra chores, etc. Tell him that since it's a special occasion, he'll be allowed to have the DS on the trip provided that he maintain excellent behavior (within his means, of course). Otherwise, he'll have to wait to use it until after he gets home and fully earns the cost.

[shanvan]

Could you purchase a new one that is yours, with the understanding that you will lend it to your ds for a set period of time? This way you can reinforce the message that he has lost the privilege of having a device of his own. But, he has to learn to take care of his things, and you can give him the opportunity to demonstrate that he has learned a lesson by returning it to you at the end of the lending period, in good condition.

 

Bonnie

 

In addition, perhaps you can explain (gently) that your husband works to pay for these things and require DS to do some jobs around the house to earn time with the Nintendo and when he has completed a certain set amount of tasks he could own it completely. You can keep the jobs at his level of ability.

 

I have done this sort of thing before, but I'm not sure if it would be appropriate with your son's special needs.

 

Shannon

[Pajama Mama]

My dd made her 1st Communion not long ago. We allowed her to buy the new DSi with her money. Gamestop lets you get a $70 credit with her old DS Lite. Even though she bought it, the rule is that it is not allowed outside-ever. We went out to dinner yesterday and she had it in her purse(yes she's 8 and carries a purse bigger than mine). She had the DSi in her purse so I took it from her as punishment.

 

Since your son has special needs, I would buy him a refurbished DS. But I would give him specific rules that he must abide by. If you see that he leaves it out where the dogs can get it, then maybe you should take it from him for not taking care of it for the day. My ds11 is an aspie and he can follow rules.

 

I do also think that having him work for this one is a good idea. He could help fold laundry or whatever he is capable of doing. My kids used to think- "It's ok if (insert toy here) gets broken, mom will just buy me a new one." Ummm-no she won't. Grrrr....

 

ETA- Having a DS for kids on a plane is awesome. Ds11 & dd8 would probably have fought last year when we flew to Disney. 2 DSes(is that the correct spelling?)= too much money. Peaceful plane ride=priceless

Edited May 9, 2009 by Pajama Mama

[fivetails]

Given his special needs, I'd choose mercy in this case. "Fairness" for kiddos with special needs takes on a whole different meaning...to be treated the same as other siblings, you have to give him different accomodations, as "equal" requires a step up for him (believe me, I know of what I speak...ask me about my special needs kiddos sometime!).

 

I'd get him a new one, with the caveat that he'd be earning the money to replace it. Then, give him the opportunity to slowly earn the money through extra chores, etc. Tell him that since it's a special occasion, he'll be allowed to have the DS on the trip provided that he maintain excellent behavior (within his means, of course). Otherwise, he'll have to wait to use it until after he gets home and fully earns the cost.

 

:iagree:

[Nestof3]

Well, I am assuming the other children are not going to play their hand-held games the entire trip, so perhaps you could ask the siblings to share during the trip in exchange for your 8 year old doing some of his chores.

 

I understand that you want him to play the video game because it will make your life easier, so if it is that crucial to your sanity, I understand, but typically, I would say that he would need to slowly earn money to replace the one that was ruined.

 

On trips, our boys enjoy audio books and music as well. Does anyone have an MP3 player or other audio device he could use?

 

Quick question. Is this dog outside or inside? Did he leave the game outside or inside? I really do see them as separate things. Leaving something outside is more detrimental than leaving it on the sofa. If I leave my book on the sofa and go to bed, I expect my book to be there in the same condition when I awaken. If I leave it outside, I realize it may get rain or moisture damage. I guess I am assuming it's an outside dog because of the destruction factor.

 

Furthermore, I am uneducated in how Aspergers affects a child's ability to be responsible for something as oposed to a non-Asperger child. I only have experience with my boys, and each of them has left something outside that should have been brought in, and sometimes the items was damaged by rain. In the case of the library book, the child had to pay the library to get a new one.

 

Some work ideas are (things my 7 year old does): cleaning baseboards with a pot of soapy water, a sponge, a toothbrush, and a small towel. Cleaning floors and walls with same pot, new water/soap. Sweeping walkways. Cleaning bathroom sink and toilet.

Edited May 9, 2009 by nestof3

[Pajama Mama]

Furthermore, I am uneducated in how Aspergers affects a child's ability to be responsible for something as oposed to a non-Asperger child.

 

Well, kids with Asperger's are all different. Some kids are more severe than others. My aspie has more difficulties with social issues, getting jokes, etc. If I give him the rules and explain why then he's fine. The whys are very important for him. My aspie can actually be a little annoying with rules sometimes. He can be so rigid in his thinking that having rules sometimes can backfire:glare: "But mom-you said that the rules are..."

[BamaTanya]

If you decide to replace it, here's a link to a way to get a refurbished DS from GameStop for about $80.

 

http://www.gamestop.com/Catalog/ProductDetails.aspx?product_id=22260

HIH,

 

Lisa

 

I hadn't considered this possibility!

[BamaTanya]

Well, I am assuming the other children are not going to play their hand-held games the entire trip, so perhaps you could ask the siblings to share during the trip in exchange for your 8 year old doing some of his chores.

 

I understand that you want him to play the video game because it will make your life easier, so if it is that crucial to your sanity, I understand, but typically, I would say that he would need to slowly earn money to replace the one that was ruined.

 

On trips, our boys enjoy audio books and music as well. Does anyone have an MP3 player or other audio device he could use?

 

Quick question. Is this dog outside or inside? Did he leave the game outside or inside? I really do see them as separate things. Leaving something outside is more detrimental than leaving it on the sofa. If I leave my book on the sofa and go to bed, I expect my book to be there in the same condition when I awaken. If I leave it outside, I realize it may get rain or moisture damage. I guess I am assuming it's an outside dog because of the destruction factor.

 

Furthermore, I am uneducated in how Aspergers affects a child's ability to be responsible for something as oposed to a non-Asperger child. I only have experience with my boys, and each of them has left something outside that should have been brought in, and sometimes the items was damaged by rain. In the case of the library book, the child had to pay the library to get a new one.

 

Some work ideas are (things my 7 year old does): cleaning baseboards with a pot of soapy water, a sponge, a toothbrush, and a small towel. Cleaning floors and walls with same pot, new water/soap. Sweeping walkways. Cleaning bathroom sink and toilet.

 

One of the girls has an MP3 and a DVD player, so that's a possibility. The other dc get irritated with him because of his constant noise/movement/etc.

 

As far as his Aspergers -- he's not "the rule" kind of kid. He is pure impulse. Pure distractability. He can do some chores, but not neatly. And he's very emotional.

 

I wish I'd helped him keep up with it better . . .

 

The dogs are in and out. The game was left outside, maybe overnight. Ds found it when he came home from school and the dogs had been out for most of the day. He should NOT have taken it outside! He knows it isn't an outside toy.

[Catwoman]

Personally, I would just buy him a new one.

 

I can't see that it's his fault that the dogs mangled his toy. Ok, so he didn't put it in a "safe place," but shouldn't the dogs have been trained not to mangle toys? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

Perhaps you were at fault for not having trained the dogs better... and your punishment is to buy your ds a new Nintendo DS. His responsibility is to take better care of this one, and if it ends up in anybody's big chompers next time, you won't be replacing it.

 

Honestly, I don't think he should have to earn the money to pay for it, either. It was an accident. He didn't intentionally break the toy.

 

It sounds like your ds is being punished when the real "criminals" here are your dogs. It just doesn't seem fair to me.

 

Cat

 

PS. Ok, I just noticed that the toy was left outside overnight. Not a great idea. But if your ds is impulsive due to his Asperger's, I still think you should show him the mercy and replace the toy. I can tell by the tone of your posts that you're feeling really sad about your ds being upset, and while I know you want him to be more responsible, maybe you could find a way to help him keep track of the new toy when he gets it. If it's supposed to be in a specific place, you could easily check on it yourself and remind your ds to put it away. All kids do silly and irresponsible things sometimes -- I do it myself, too. I recently bought some great history books at a used book sale, but they smelled a little smoky so I left them outside on the deck to air out... and I forgot about them when it started to rain. Oops. Ruined the books. And it was stupid and it was my fault. But I'll still re-buy the books when I see them somewhere.

Edited May 9, 2009 by Catwoman

[Lisa in Jax]

We had to replace a PSP recently, and buying a refurbished item allowed us to be firm *and* show grace. :)

 

Lisa

[joannqn]

If being merciful was really important to me in this case, I would do a combination of what has been suggested.

 

I'd buy a refurbished one that belonged to me. He could borrow it for set, and short (30 minutes), amount of times after which he would have to return it to me to put away. Meanwhile, he would be doing extra chores over a long period of time to "pay" for it. I see it taking a few months to work it off. After it is paid for, the refurbished one would then be his.

 

As far as thinking that the dogs or the parent was responsible...I completely disagree in this case. I think that even with aspergers, he can learn to be responsible. If all he gets is excused behavior and never any consequences, he'll never learn responsibility. It is the parent's job to give the child opportunities to experience responsibility and consequences now. The world won't excuse him when he's an adult. Nor do I think the dogs are responsible if they play with something left outside. If it had been left on the couch or table and they snatched it off, then it would be a dog issue.

[Avila]

If being merciful was really important to me in this case, I would do a combination of what has been suggested.

 

I'd buy a refurbished one that belonged to me. He could borrow it for set, and short (30 minutes), amount of times after which he would have to return it to me to put away. Meanwhile, he would be doing extra chores over a long period of time to "pay" for it. I see it taking a few months to work it off. After it is paid for, the refurbished one would then be his.

 

As far as thinking that the dogs or the parent was responsible...I completely disagree in this case. I think that even with aspergers, he can learn to be responsible. If all he gets is excused behavior and never any consequences, he'll never learn responsibility. It is the parent's job to give the child opportunities to experience responsibility and consequences now. The world won't excuse him when he's an adult. Nor do I think the dogs are responsible if they play with something left outside. If it had been left on the couch or table and they snatched it off, then it would be a dog issue.

:iagree: Joann said if for me!

 

My oldest wanted a DS for her birthday, and it is more than we usually spend on a birthday present (and we were already having a party for her at the YMCA). So she took her birthday money and we paid the rest of it to buy the DS, but she has to earn the difference, and until she does, I have the right to take back the DS if she isn't living up to her part of the bargain. She is 10 and fairly mature for her age, so I felt like she understood the deal upfront, and so far, after two months, she is still incrementally earning the money and I haven't had to take the DS. I feel like having one is a privilege and not a right, so if the child isn't earning that privilege, I wouldn't hesitate in taking the DS and using it sort of like a library book, to be checked out from me when I decide it is appropriate and returned in the meantime until I feel like the privilege has been earned and the child can be responsible for it.

 

Good luck!

[Heather in Neverland]

I would just get him another one. But I am a sucker. :D

[Friederike in Persia]

Over the last few weeks I've picked up various posters writing, that punishments shouldn't hurt you (like when you give them extra work, you don't sit with them for it,...) and it makes so much sense to me.

If you want to survive the trip without major issues, could you borrow a game from a relative, somebody at church, maybe even a neighbour? My dds might be totally unusual, but they don't use their's often at all and we'd be happy to lend them out for a week or two (you could even make that a month or two.).

After the trip you can make him work, wait for another birthday,.... whatever.

[Catwoman]

I would just get him another one. But I am a sucker. :D

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Exactly. I'd feel so badly that my ds was upset, that I'd get him another one. It would be different if he'd intentionally broken it.

 

Cat

[Remudamom]

Bless his heart, get him another one and let him do extra chores to help pay for it. Life's hard enough.

[Garga]

I'd get another one, for my own sanity, just for the trip. But he would only be able to use it on the plane ride (or whenever you specifically need him to use it for your own peace of mind.)

 

But after he used it the once or twice you allowed it, it would be locked away until he earned it back. I would not let him borrow it, except for the trip.

 

And I wouldn't go easy on how he has to earn it. He would have to work hard to earn a proper salary (from you.)

[myfunnybunch]

I think that his Asperger's makes a huge difference in this issue. For some children on the autism spectrum, making causal connections is a part of the disability. It really depends on where he falls in understanding cause-and-effect, and his ability to truly control his impulsivity, memory and attention.

 

Follow your gut about what he needs right now. If he was just plain careless, that's one thing, but if this is part and parcel of his disability then mercy might be in order. He's already had one consequence, the shock of seeing his mangled DS and not being able to play his DS right now. I think that's enough.

 

I'd buy him a refurbished DS, give him a place to keep it and make it Mom's or Dad's job to make sure he follows through. Until he's able to care for it on his own he'll need some help. I like the idea of buying one for yourself and letting him use it. That does two things: You're not replacing the DS he left outside, and you can more naturally assume responsibility for the DS and making sure it's put away after he borrows it.

 

:grouphug: FWIW, my dd with autism could never have handled keeping track of a DS (or anything else) at age eight. When she was eight I despaired I'd be taking care of her things forever. She's now thirteen and has a cell phone that she cares for very well. It took a lot of coaching (and a lost iPod about a year ago which I did not replace), but she's now very responsible in many arenas despite being "rescued" over and over.

 

Cat

[specialmama]

Given his special needs, I'd choose mercy in this case. "Fairness" for kiddos with special needs takes on a whole different meaning...to be treated the same as other siblings, you have to give him different accomodations, as "equal" requires a step up for him (believe me, I know of what I speak...ask me about my special needs kiddos sometime!).

 

I'd get him a new one, with the caveat that he'd be earning the money to replace it. Then, give him the opportunity to slowly earn the money through extra chores, etc. Tell him that since it's a special occasion, he'll be allowed to have the DS on the trip provided that he maintain excellent behavior (within his means, of course). Otherwise, he'll have to wait to use it until after he gets home and fully earns the cost.

 

:iagree: Another option could be, no, you cannot get another DS. But here is a Leapster. My asd son has one, he is 8 at the end of the month. They are more sturdy than a DS and cheaper. Ours has been thrown from a moving car onto a highway and survived just fine. :001_smile: Perhaps it would be more suitable.

 

P.S.: editing to add (and forgive me if a previous poster mentioned this, I did not read all the responses) in this case, I would say it was the dog's fault, not your son's fault. The dog could easily chew up the t.v. remote control when you get up to go to the bathroom, and nobody would fault you, they would fault the dog. Just my humble opinion. I'd be muzzling the dog or crating him for chewing behavior, or handing him a live wire to chew. Sorry, I'm just not buying that the dog didn't know better. He should.

Edited May 9, 2009 by specialmama

[Murphy101]

Well, kids with Asperger's are all different. Some kids are more severe than others. My aspie has more difficulties with social issues, getting jokes, etc. If I give him the rules and explain why then he's fine. The whys are very important for him. My aspie can actually be a little annoying with rules sometimes. He can be so rigid in his thinking that having rules sometimes can backfire:glare: "But mom-you said that the rules are..."

 

:D just saying I have sympathy. lots and lots of sympathy.

 

If being merciful was really important to me in this case, I would do a combination of what has been suggested.

 

I'd buy a refurbished one that belonged to me. He could borrow it for set, and short (30 minutes), amount of times after which he would have to return it to me to put away. Meanwhile, he would be doing extra chores over a long period of time to "pay" for it. I see it taking a few months to work it off. After it is paid for, the refurbished one would then be his.

 

As far as thinking that the dogs or the parent was responsible...I completely disagree in this case. I think that even with aspergers, he can learn to be responsible. If all he gets is excused behavior and never any consequences, he'll never learn responsibility. It is the parent's job to give the child opportunities to experience responsibility and consequences now. The world won't excuse him when he's an adult. Nor do I think the dogs are responsible if they play with something left outside. If it had been left on the couch or table and they snatched it off, then it would be a dog issue.

 

I'd like to say :iagree: with Joann. In fact, I did agree with Joann until I read that it was not only left outside, but possibly overnight.

 

Bottom line, is that it appears he is not developmentally capable of being responsible for such a device yet. I don't even know that I'd blame his aspie on it. MANY 8 yr olds are not mature enough for these responsibilities. It stinks that older kids get things that younger kids don't, but that's life. If they aren't mature enough to handle it - they don't get it. Or at the least, they don't get it replaced.

 

So, given that he is not mature enough to handle it and you know that he isn't, I'd simply say no and that maybe when he's a bit older he'll be old enough to own one again.

 

And no, I wouldn't make my older kids share their's either.

 

I and he would just have to figure out some other way to be occupied.

 

I would say it was the dog's fault, not your son's fault. The dog could easily chew up the t.v. remote control when you get up to go to the bathroom, and nobody would fault you, they would fault the dog. Just my humble opinion. I'd be muzzling the dog or crating him for chewing behavior, or handing him a live wire to chew. Sorry, I'm just not buying that the dog didn't know better. He should.

 

:iagree: :lol: that dog would be dead dog walking at my house if that's a regular problem of his inside or outside. My only reason for faulting the kid, is it just as easily could have rained on the DS and my decision would have stood.

 

Our 6 yr old got a DS for christmas and the 3rd time he lost it (in the house) it was taken away until he turns 7.

 

Aside form it demonstrating that he isn't able to keep track of it, we simply can't afford to replace such things and the kids have to understand that too.

 

In fact, I don't know that I'd say much about the aspie child's lack of responsibility with the DS. I'd simply say that we couldn't afford to replace things that he doesn't keep track off. For our boy who couldn't keep track of his DS, we didn't tell him anything. He lost it and a week later when my dh found it, we just put it up figuring he's not old enough for it. Ds will be thrilled when he finds it in a few months. In the mean time, he's learned to survive without it by doing other things.:)

[joannqn]

P.S.: editing to add (and forgive me if a previous poster mentioned this, I did not read all the responses) in this case, I would say it was the dog's fault, not your son's fault. The dog could easily chew up the t.v. remote control when you get up to go to the bathroom, and nobody would fault you, they would fault the dog. Just my humble opinion. I'd be muzzling the dog or crating him for chewing behavior, or handing him a live wire to chew. Sorry, I'm just not buying that the dog didn't know better. He should.

 

So, how often do you leave your remote control outside all night in the dog's turf with the rest of the dog's play things? Dogs are usually expected to behave indoor with indoor things and their turf and things are outside where they have free reign. Had the dog taken it from the couch or table indoors, I would agree with you.

[specialmama]

So, how often do you leave your remote control outside all night in the dog's turf with the rest of the dog's play things? Dogs are usually expected to behave indoor with indoor things and their turf and things are outside where they have free reign. Had the dog taken it from the couch or table indoors, I would agree with you.

 

LOL I know! You weren't supposed to notice that I hadn't read all the posts and thereby showing my ignorance of the situation! :D I had assumed that the DS was left inside on the floor, because that's where my dd's is. ;) I responded after only reading the first 2 posts, and the OP said it was outside after that. Sorry!

 

BUT... I stick by my 2 cents, I'd still get him another one. Perhaps the only thing I'd change would be the live wire solution :lol:

 

P.S.: our dog is trained to only bite and chew it's nylon bone and it's Kong. She won't touch any other thing, so in my house, the dog would still not chew it, even if it was left outside. Then again, we have a guide dog who is really trained well. And I didn't train her. ;)

[Catwoman]

Our dog is trained to only bite and chew it's nylon bone and it's Kong. She won't touch any other thing, so in my house, the dog would still not chew it, even if it was left outside.

 

Our dogs wouldn't have touched it, either, no matter where it was.

 

Cat

[Murphy101]

So, how often do you leave your remote control outside all night in the dog's turf with the rest of the dog's play things? Dogs are usually expected to behave indoor with indoor things and their turf and things are outside where they have free reign. Had the dog taken it from the couch or table indoors, I would agree with you.

 

what do you mean "dog's turf" and dog's playthings? was it left in the doghouse? next to a similiar dog toy (bone shaped DS?) I know some people let their dogs tear up the yard (digging hole to china, chewing kids' yard toys, and so forth) but we never have allowed it. inside or out, a dog that regularly chewed up everything right up to electronic devices would be in deep trouble.

 

every dog as some weakness

mine dog's is stuff animals his size (they all become his "ducky";)) and one particuliar racketball ball. (doesn't matter how many identical ones we have, he is only interested in The Chosen One and will trash the entire house in desperation looking for that particuliar ball)

but I can leave all sorts of baby toys that are ball and squeekers and such and he never touches them no matter where they are.

 

I think the most annoying thing he does lately is really a point of laziness. he dumps his bones and chew sticks in our shoes so that they stick up and he doesn't have to hold them up in his mouth.

[Mom22ns]

I and he would just have to figure out some other way to be occupied.

 

 

... and that is enough to tell me you have never lived with an aspie! :lol:

 

As someone who has, I'd get another one. Make any deal you need to, make it yours, let him work it off or just give it to him, but you will regret that plane ride for years to come and so will everyone around you if you don't get it.

[Nestof3]

... and that is enough to tell me you have never lived with an aspie! :lol:

 

As someone who has, I'd get another one. Make any deal you need to, make it yours, let him work it off or just give it to him, but you will regret that plane ride for years to come and so will everyone around you if you don't get it.

 

Are you really saying that Asperger Syndrome children need to have hours of video games to entertain them? Do they not read books, listen to books, draw, etc.? I obviously have no experience with them, but I didn't realize that video games were a requirement for anyone. I honestly don't mean this in a snarky way.

[specialmama]

Are you really saying that Asperger Syndrome children need to have hours of video games to entertain them? Do they not read books, listen to books, draw, etc.? I obviously have no experience with them, but I didn't realize that video games were a requirement for anyone. I honestly don't mean this in a snarky way.

 

Not taken in a snarky way. :001_smile: My son has "classic autism" so is lower functioning. I drove for 6 days across the country with my children and a dog and no other adult to help because I had to get to my sister's wedding. Could have been a 4 hour flight. But driving was waaaay easier on my son. Their sensory systems are way out of whack so the air pressure and ascent/descent can be beyond brutal torture. I will never, ever, ever take my son on a plane again. The last flight, he single handedly delayed by 45 minutes because he was freaking out on the floor of the plane. I could not pick him up. Nobody could. A pro wrestler included. He screamed like death was peeling his skin off. I say to use whatever means necessary to make that flight a success. I've used valarian root, benedryl and liquid codein, although using the latter and knocking them out may decrease involuntary swallowing abilities thereby increasing ear problems with air pressure. There is no win in these situations, except a smart mom knowing darn well what their kid loves and using it to the max. Believe me, it is not spoiled child syndrome by any means. Hope that helps.

Edited May 10, 2009 by specialmama

[katemary63]

Could you purchase a new one that is yours, with the understanding that you will lend it to your ds for a set period of time? This way you can reinforce the message that he has lost the privilege of having a device of his own. But, he has to learn to take care of his things, and you can give him the opportunity to demonstrate that he has learned a lesson by returning it to you at the end of the lending period, in good condition. Then, come Christmas, maybe he can get another one of his very own.

 

Good luck!

 

Bonnie

 

Great answer! I didn't have to think about this question 1 second. I'd get him another one - with what ever conditions or twists on it you think are best ( the idea above is good!) But I would make sure this kid had his own game to use for the trip!

 

I don't know anything about Asperger's so I can't relate or judge his abilities. I can see holding my DD8 to this type of responsibility, BUT a kid less capable? Less mature? Probably not. I think I would also blame myself or no one and just get him another one.

Edited May 10, 2009 by katemary63

[BamaTanya]

Are you really saying that Asperger Syndrome children need to have hours of video games to entertain them? Do they not read books, listen to books, draw, etc.? I obviously have no experience with them, but I didn't realize that video games were a requirement for anyone. I honestly don't mean this in a snarky way.

 

Like someone said earlier, every ASD kid is different. I think what Momto2Ns meant was that they can be much more challenging (on a regular basis) than most other dc. Without the cause-effect understanding that someone might use to bribe/punish/distract other dc of the same age. I have never been able to predict how my 2 special sons would act in any given situation, except sometimes I've known something would be a tremendous challenge. Sometimes they freaked out (screaming with fear or anger) in situations I had thought they'd enjoy or perhaps just tolerate. And, a few times, things turned out much easier than I'd prepared for. Just a few. In all these years, lol.

 

I want to be TOTALLY prepared and pull out all the stops since we'll be traveling in a closed-in container where I can't take them for a walk or put them in a quiet place alone to calm down. And it is mortifying when my dc disturb others. I'm sure you can understand that!

 

Emotionally, my 2 sons react like preschoolers. With big bodies. If they're afraid or hurt, think toddler tantrum. They don't do it often, but it does happen. I want to use ANYTHING to prevent it while on the trip.

 

I think that every parent has dealt with the unexpected humiliation more times than they care to remember, but ours used to happen every time we went anywhere. It was frustrating and embarrassing and exhausting and depressing . . .

 

Specifically, do they draw, read, etc? Yes. Sometimes obsessively. But I can't know if they'll be content to do that when they're anxious, excited, overstimulated by the crowd/sounds/etc. I just don't know . . .

Edited May 10, 2009 by BamaTanya

[Murphy101]

... and that is enough to tell me you have never lived with an aspie! :lol:

 

As someone who has, I'd get another one. Make any deal you need to, make it yours, let him work it off or just give it to him, but you will regret that plane ride for years to come and so will everyone around you if you don't get it.

 

I didn't say that and you'd be assuming too much just because I wouldn't deal with it the same as you.:glare:

 

Are you really saying that Asperger Syndrome children need to have hours of video games to entertain them? Do they not read books, listen to books, draw, etc.? I obviously have no experience with them, but I didn't realize that video games were a requirement for anyone. I honestly don't mean this in a snarky way.

 

Yeah, I'm with you. If anything I think most electronics makes aspie tendancies way worse. Seems like they go through vicious withdrawal when the thing is turned off. *shudder*

 

To me this entire thing has nothing to do with being an aspie. He simply isn't mature enough to handle it, so it would not be permitted, wouldn't matter to me what the it was. In this case, "it" happens to be a DS. His lack of maturity is no ones fault, it's not a bad thing, it's just life at the current time.

 

I can understand the plane issue, but honestly if he was going to spaz out that bad, or I genuinely felt there was a risk of it, *I* would go for sedation rather than count on the iffy hope of a DS zone out. It seems the most merciful thing to do to make the flight as doable as possible without sensory overload from heck. I don't think this is mean or anything either. Goodness, my fil has to take mild sedation when he flies and he saw combat in nam.

 

But it seems you want to buy a new one, so just go buy a new one then.

 

Others were not intending to slam you or your son, just sharing their opinions on what they would do as asked. No injury or insult intended.:)

[Friederike in Persia]

I know some people let their dogs tear up the yard (digging hole to china, chewing kids' yard toys, and so forth) but we never have allowed it. inside or out, a dog that regularly chewed up everything right up to electronic devices would be in deep trouble.

 

.

 

 

So what exactly do you do with your dog, when he's "in deep trouble"?:confused: Maybe it would work on ours, too ;).

[specialmama]

I can understand the plane issue, but honestly if he was going to spaz out that bad, or I genuinely felt there was a risk of it, *I* would go for sedation rather than count on the iffy hope of a DS zone out. It seems the most merciful thing to do to make the flight as doable as possible without sensory overload from heck. I don't think this is mean or anything either. Goodness, my fil has to take mild sedation when he flies and he saw combat in nam.

 

 

Martha, the problem is, if the med is too light, his endorphins will override them. If the med is too strong, it may impede swallowing, thereby causing possible ear drum damage or at the very least severe screaming and hours at hospital dealing with the problems the air pressure has caused.... or... he may be so out of it he may choke.

 

Our autism doctor went over the pros and cons with us last year, and in order to get the correct (safe) dosage, you'd have to simulate an almost identical experience as flying in order to see if his endorphins will override the drugs. I'm sorry, I just could not think of a thing in the world that I could compare to flying in order to test out the meds to find a safe amount. It came down to this: equip myself for survival or risk his life with meds that may be too strong. It is really not as simple as drugging him. This situation was enough to give me anxiety attacks 6 mths before our trip, so I can totally relate to the OP in trying to survive this trip. Survival does mean for the surrounding people on the flight, her, AND her son.

Edited May 10, 2009 by specialmama

[JFSinIL]

I agree with the others that YOU getting a device that your ds could use under supervision during the trip might be the way to go. I justified getting myself an I-Pod Classic for the same reason - we can put lots of audiobooks and films on it for our ds with autism for him to use under supervision during our trips. Also - does he like to draw at all? Or do mazes/puzzles/word searches? A clipboard full of paper etc. and a few pencils can be great, too.

 

If the other child complains note that would he rather share his OWN Nintendo with his brother, or have YOU sharing????;)

[SnowWhite]

I agree with the purchase of a *used* Leapster or GameBoy Advance or some other more sturdy device. IMO your ds may not be ready for the responsibility of a DSi. I suppose the other suggestion that *you* purchase a DS/DSi for yourself and allow him limited times using it would be one way of teaching him the responsibility while still keep you *on guard* against it being destroyed yet again.

[Mom22ns]

Are you really saying that Asperger Syndrome children need to have hours of video games to entertain them? Do they not read books, listen to books, draw, etc.? I obviously have no experience with them, but I didn't realize that video games were a requirement for anyone. I honestly don't mean this in a snarky way.

 

Nope, that is not what I am saying. However, as some others have tried to explain, kids on the autistic spectrum usually have sensory issues and other issues that make dealing with the sights, sounds, pressure and more on the airplane a bigger challenge than they are for other kids. My ds loves to read more than anything, but I wouldn't consider taking him on a long flight without a DS. Video games use more of the brain, providing visual and auditory stimulus and allowing movement (button pushing) and hyper-focus. All of this helps block all the other less desirable stimulus that might overwhelm an ASD child who has trouble filtering.