Dd has a swim meet, and I'm not sure if I can allow her to attend.

[LBC]

I need some outside perspective on this. All year dd (15) has been looking forward to going to Victoria, BC to compete in a synchronized swim meet. It would be her first meet, and she's been working hard all year on a routine with her partner. This is only her second year in synchronized swimming, and her first year in competitive synchro, so I'm not yet familiar with how it all works. At the beginning of the year I was given a date for the meet, and I wrote it on my calendar. I just found out that the date was incorrect, and conflicts with the dance recital both of my dd's are in. Dd number one decided that she would rather go to the synchro meet, so I figured she could just go along with her coach, and I'd pay her share for transportation and accommodations. Now I've been informed that her coaches won't even be attending, and the other two girls who are competing at the meet are each going with their own family and making a holiday out of it. This means that in order for dd to attend, I not only need to go with her, but we need to pay for the entire trip. It will probably cost close to $700 just for travel, meals, and accommodation, since it won't be split with the other families. When I told dd she could go, I thought they would drive down together, share the cost of the ferry, maybe be billeted in a family home, or at least share a hotel room. I'm torn. It's not dd's fault that everything has changed. I feel as though it would be unfair of me to make her miss the meet because of my mis-perception of things.

 

Here are some of the major issues:

 

 

• Dd 8 would be upset if I missed her recital. There's a lot involved, including a dress rehearsal and two performances. My mom said she'd come and help dh with all the driving that would need to be done, but I think (know) that dd would feel hurt if I missed her show.
  
• The routine is a duet, so her partner would need to rework the routine so that it could be done solo.
  
• Dh thinks spending this much money for dd to go to the meet is completely ridiculous. He's not the sort to insist that I make dd miss the meet, but it really bothers him. Dd would be paying the costs herself, but using money that was supposed to help toward her education.
  
• Dd loves synchronized swimming, but she is not an athlete. She is a performer. She loves to sing, dance, and act. Missing the dance recital means that she will miss out on something else she really loves.
  

There seem to be many reasons for us to say that she can't go, but I am really struggling with the idea that I am "going back on my word", and that she should be able to trust me to follow through with what I've told her would happen. I feel as though this is a relationship trust issue more than anything. I also think that the two of us would have a really nice time together in Victoria, and have some great mother - daughter bonding time.

 

I'd love some perspective from those who can come at this from a more objective point of view.:confused:

 

Thanks,

Lori

[Danestress]

with a partner on this, it doesn't seem fair to the partner to not let her go. Or am I misunderstanding how this works?

 

It seems like you are feeling a lot of guilt, but maybe you should just show your daughter what you wrote here and ask *her* what she thinks. Maybe she would be disappointed but wouldn't think of it as a violation of trust, which would help.

 

But I would feel like a partner's interest was also important.

[Dobela]

Will her missing the synchronized swim meet cause the same difficulties for her partners there? She is a member of a team and likely plays a vital role in their performance in the water.

 

Also, if she has done many dance recitals over the years, they may not have the same meaning they once did. Branching out and trying her skills at this new sport may be what she is really wanting to do. My neice loves performing but left dance around the same age. She was looking to find activities that would make her more "well rounded " as a performer.

Edited April 27, 2009 by Dobela

[Impish]

How well do you know the other parents? Could she go with her partner's parents there and back?

 

It would quite likely damage the partner's chances in the competition to go solo...how could you be 'synchronized' if you're solo? Seems to me that the partner might need to pull out or something as well.

 

I think she does need to honour her commitment to the synchro competition...otherwise, the other girls may not want to work with her, fearing she'll bail on them later too. In a dance troupe, one dancer isn't noticable, unless she has a solo. In synchro, partners...yeah, its a problem, I'd think.

[JennifersLost]

I know what you're going through. I've had to deny the kids some of these types of opportunities, because....yes, $700 for a meet is ridiculous. It just is.

 

I understand what you mean about trust. You made a promise to your daughter. But on the other hand, unless you guys are rolling in cash, it's not good for your family.

 

Think of it this way: if your daughter came to you with this dilemma and told you that sending her daughter to the meet was going to put additional stress on your husband, what advice would you give her?

 

If, however, you've been wanting a trip and this fits nicely into your budget, then by all means...

[Barb_]

There seem to be many reasons for us to say that she can't go, but I am really struggling with the idea that I am "going back on my word", and that she should be able to trust me to follow through with what I've told her would happen.

 

You gave your word based on your understanding of the circumstances at the time. Circumstances have changed and all bets are off. Dd is old enough to understand if you lay it all out for her. Explain how torn you are, but that with the new information, yes will have to change to no. If you want to take her for the other reasons you've laid out, by all means, do it. But don't do it out of guilt for breaking your word because a contract depends on all terms remaining constant.

 

Barb

[ConnieB]

Sounds like it's time for a family meeting to discuss these issues. While I totally understand your concerns about "going back on your word" the fact is that this sometimes happens in life. Not because you want it to, or that you aren't willing to go along with your promise, but, as in this situation, it's not always cut and dried. And sadly that is a lesson that everyone has to deal with at some point. Dealing with it as a family to arrive at the best solution for everyone involved shows both your daughters that you care about their opinion and also that you want them both to realize that they are each important to you, but that sometimes choices have to be made. This isn't likely to be the last time that you have to choose between two events.

 

Personally, I see one of the bigger issues not in letting down either of your daughters, but in letting down the swim partner. She too has worked very hard all year with your daughter and if your daughter doesn't go to the swim meet then this other child will suffer. All the hard work will go for naught and she will have to scramble to come up with a solo routine....assuming that she would be able to even do a solo routine.....I have only been involved in one meet before but the competitors had to register for a specific event...i.e. solo, partner, group, etc....long before the actual event. If this other child is not able to change her registration than your daughter pulling out might disqualify the other child.

 

Yes, a part of me says well family comes first....but in this case should it? If your daughter pulling out of the swim meet would ruin the other child's chances of competing, then it may be one of those obligations that you must face even when it's not your first choice. If the other child won't be adversely affected then at least that eliminates that pull....and then I'd talk with daughter about the financial obligation that you didn't realize before. Yes, she has education money that could be used, but is that the wisest use of the money? What about the dancer's feelings in being left behind? If you can take the other swim child out of the discussion, then you are truly left with a dilemma that needs to be weighed by the entire family so that they all at the very least have a chance to let their feelings be known and dealt with. Sadly, it doesn't sound like there is a way to truly make it good for each daughter, but hopefully they will be able to come to terms with the decision made by the whole family.

 

 

:grouphug:

[katilac]

Did they give you the wrong date, or did you write the date down wrong?

 

If the date you were given was incorrect, you are not going back on your word. If you somehow got the date wrong, that's unfortunate, but you are human. Your dd is the participant here, and she should have been aware of the dates and arrangements also.

 

While you both really should have nailed down the details much earlier (these things can be VERY pricey even when not done on your own), I find it odd that the coaches aren't even going. I've never really heard of kids going to competitions without a coach to represent them??

 

Also, you say that it's not your dd's 'fault' that things have changed. True, but it's not necessarily anyone's fault, and sometimes it simply doesn't matter. My dh recently told our kids that we would stay at a hotel with an indoor pool on a recent trip. He didn't realize that we would getting there late, and the hotel was much more than other choices. It was his 'fault' for not checking, but that didn't mean we were going to spend $60 for an hour's worth of swimming, kwim? We explained, we apologized for getting their hopes up, and we stayed at the cheaper hotel.

 

I don't know how you balance the commitment to the swim partner and the dance partner. How many events is the swim partner in, besides their routine? Will dd backing out keep her partner from keeping at all, or does she have several other events to compete in?

 

If you and dh intend to help with college, then paying for it from her college fund doesn't mean she is paying for it, kwim? If I let her go, I would require that some of the money be earned now; I wouldn't just let her whack the college fund.

 

I don't suppose you know the other parents well enough to send your dd off on holiday with them?

 

You are both in a tough place, with a tough decision to make. Sit down with her and talk about it in detail.

 

Whatever you decide about this particular trip, it's time to have dd take more charge of her activities. She is the participant; she really needs to be aware of the requirements, costs, etc.

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like at first you said she could go, and then later when you realized that both events are on the same day, you offered her the choice as to which one to attend. So she has had that commitment from you two different times.

 

Also, her partner is depending on her, quite a bit, it seems.

 

I do see this as something you pretty much have to go ahead and do. I would take steps to make the best of it, by cutting costs wherever you can and also by including some 'education' or bonding time in the trip, but I don't see how you can back out now. Any chance of a scholarship from the swim team? Since this is a series of unexpected 'additions' to the travel budget, maybe they would consider a subsidy. And under the circumstances, I would recommend accepting it.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Here is what I honestly think - when you join a competitive team, it is your responsibility to get your child to competition. Most parents who invest the kind of time and money to have their child on a team do so because our kids are more serious about whatever the thing is than the kids doing it recreationally.

 

So now you know how expensive it can be to have your child on a team. I don't know anyone who has their child on any sort of competitive team be it dance, cheer, travel soccer, swimming, whatever, that will tell you it isn't expensive.

 

At this point, it's not only your child you have to think about. The other team members shouldn't have to suffer because of your and your dh's misconceptions.

 

My dd is on a dance team, not a swim team. But I would be BEYOND livid if my dd was doing a duet and the other girl's parents all of a sudden said, "Sorry, we can't afford it after all and we mixed up the dates and have other plans." Even in a large line, one kid missing can mean the difference between platinum and silver or getting an overall for our team. If your dd doesn't show, her partner will have to scratch and all that time and money that other family has invested will be for nothing.

 

Edited to add: I just asked my dh what he would say if dd was doing a duet and her partner canceled. Keep in mind that solo and duet costumes for dance are easily over $200 and the private lessons to learn the routine are $30 a week. He said- "If they told me the grandmother died, I would want to see the obituary." Team parents take this stuff very seriously.

 

And then you also have dance recital. Your dd not being there will mean the coreography might have to be re-worked.

 

I think what you have to do is get your dd to that swim meet and finish out whatever is left of your competition season. I would call your dd's dance teacher tomorrow first thing to let her know dd won't be at the recital. He or she needs as much notice as possible to get the routine ready.

 

Then, you need to sit down with your dd and help her to decide what her priorities are. If it is swimming she loves at a level she wants to do it competitively and you can afford it- great. But you'll need to find a dance class where there aren't performances during swimming season, or be totally upfront at the beginning of the year that your child is doing dance for the class aspect and won't be performing in recital, etc. (we have a few at or studio who do this)

 

I'm really sorry you are in this predicament. :grouphug:

Edited April 27, 2009 by Academy of Jedi Arts

[LBC]

Did they give you the wrong date, or did you write the date down wrong?

 

If the date you were given was incorrect, you are not going back on your word.

 

I was given the wrong date. In fact, I was given two wrong dates this year. Dd already had to miss her first meet because I was given the wrong date, and we were returning from a family trip to Mexico that weekend. I'm quite frustrated about that part of this entire mess. I've already forked out an $80 costume fee for the dance recital she won't be able to attend because of the scheduling conflict.

 

The reason the coaches won't be attending is because it's such a small club, and they didn't feel that it would be appropriate to take club funds to pay for a coach to go. They told us that they would arrange for another coach to help the girls when they arrive at the meet. I just found out on Wednesday that the coach wouldn't be going. That said, I could pay the coach's expenses, and the coach could take my dd. This may be the way to go. That way my oldest dd can go to the meet, and my youngest dd will still have her mommy at the dance recital. I'm not thrilled with dd going with her coach, since when they had a synchro sleepover the coach rented Chicago and Mama Mia for the girls to watch. I had already decided not to let dd watch Mama Mia, and then dd told me that Chicago was much worse.:eek: I guess they rented it because their routine is based on the music of Chicago, but it still shows poor judgment, imo.

 

Dh will still be cranky about spending that much money on the event, but he'll get over it eventually.:tongue_smilie: Dd just started with her first real job, so I think I'll let her know that a big chunk of the cost of this trip will need to come out of the money she's earning. She hasn't even received her first paycheck yet, so it will certainly help her to make a connection with the reality of the costs involved (how many new shirts/shoes/movies would that buy?).

 

Thanks for all the input. I have a bit more objectivity now. I need to see how dd's synchro partner would be impacted by dd not being there, and if the impact would be fairly substantial, then I'll pay for one of the coaches to bring dd to the meet.

 

Lori

[Tap]

Can your mother, you dh, aunt, friend.... take dd to the meet? It could be a great weekend of bonding for many different family relationships.

 

Are both events on the same day? Can you fly instead of drive (and have the hotel charges), so she can attend both? Even if it adds a little to the cost, at least she could honor her and your obligations both to the team and they other swimmer.

 

I am confused about one detail....you had planned and committed to do both events originally, so why is the money an issue now? Or is it just a benefit of not going, that you won't have to be out as much? It sounded like you expected to split costs with the other families before you talked to any of them.

 

I do understand that coaches often do not attend all events. It happens in swimming all the time, where the coaches have their own obligations, or there are conflicting meets for different age brackets, or the cost is prohibitive. It isn't uncommon here for a surrogate coach to step up and help a fellow swimmer from another team.

 

I think you should really think hard before you let down the other synchro-swimmer. Your daughter made a commitment to her, and you made a commitment to the team and other family. Was there a correction made about the wrong date? I guess if you can't make it, you can't make it, but I would call the family personally and let them know what happened, when you found out about the error in the dates, and about the other commitment. But you should expect to be put on the spot to defend why you are choosing one event over the other. Right or wrong, you may get asked this point blank, and if I was the other parent, I wouldn't want to hear "that it is expensive" because it cost them a lot too, and now it will all be for almost Naught. You are going to have to be prepared for the let down you are lowering on the family of the other swimmer.

 

When is the event? Is it possible that there is enough time for one of the other girls who is going, to learn and preform the routine with you dd's partner? Can you help to pay for someone to in her place? You said the girl can swim alone...are there other events other than the synchro swimming that she may be interested in preforming in. Has the other family been told anything yet? If they have, have they offered any suggestions?

 

Is there a problem with dd15 missing the recital? Other that the expense you have outlaid for it? Does she have parts with an understudy or just solo performances? What negative effects will her missing the performance have on the recital? If you can't be there for you younger dd, will you be able to set up a screening with a video of the performance and the family so you can make it a special night for her when you get home?

 

From what you described so far, it is a much bigger deal for her to miss the meet so that is why I would pick it.

 

Your main question was more about dd and her trust in you...as far as that goes...I wouldn't worry about it. She is old enough to see the situation for what it is. She knows better that anyone what work she had put into both, and she chose the meet. If you have to take back your word and take away that choice, she will get over it. Hopefully he sees your commitment to her in many other ways. Especially by the many practices you have taken her to, money you have spent, and time away from your own life to give her these privileges.

Edited April 27, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[Unicorn.]

I think she should go. As long as the cost isn't entirely prohibitive, then I think it wouldn't be fair to her partner to not go. When your 8 year old is is grown up, she probably won't remember that you missed this one recital. However, your 15 year old may grow up to treasure this trip!

[ConnieB]

 

I'm not thrilled with dd going with her coach, since when they had a synchro sleepover the coach rented Chicago and Mama Mia for the girls to watch. I had already decided not to let dd watch Mama Mia, and then dd told me that Chicago was much worse.:eek: I guess they rented it because their routine is based on the music of Chicago, but it still shows poor judgment, imo.

 

 

 

You said in your original post that your mom was willing to come and help your DH ......any chance you could pay for Mom to take DD to the swim meet instead? Given what you said above about the coach's poor judgment.....ok, and my own personal over protective nature, lol.....I don't know that I'd ever feel comfortable sending my daughter off on an overnight trip with someone I wasn't quite close to....and even less so if they'd shown poor judgment in the past!

[KathyBC]

I was given the wrong date. In fact, I was given two wrong dates this year. Dd already had to miss her first meet because I was given the wrong date, and we were returning from a family trip to Mexico that weekend. I'm quite frustrated about that part of this entire mess.

 

Eek! Maybe check with the other parents and find out if every season is this fraught with miscommunication. That would be a pretty tough thing to put up with every year!

 

Given that your dd missed her first meet, I would side with sending her. Both she and her partner should have a chance to perform after working so hard all season.

Edited April 27, 2009 by KathyBC

[JFSinIL]

Sounds like she is part of a team whichever event she attends. Since the swim folks gave the wrong info - let them know she has a conflict, a prior commitment for that day, and do the dance. Now that you KNOW how $$$ the swim stuff will be, you and she can better plan for her saving $$$ for NEXT year's meet. In this economy I am sure your dd may not be the only kid who does not attend due to the high cost. And she DOES have that dance event!

[mom31257]

I think if she is part of a team, she should fulfill the commitment, unless there is no way possible to come up with the money. You obviously thought there would be some expense involved, so perhaps she could pay the part that is above what you had planned. Maybe she could get a summer job to pay you back. As a parent of more than one child, there will be times that you can't do everything. I think the younger daughter will come to accept that. Will the rest of your family be able to attend the recital? That should help.

 

This could be a good opportunity for you and your older dd to have a holiday just the two of you. I know I don't get many opportunities for that with my children individually. I took a couple of vacations with my parents (without my siblings) as an older teen/young adult. They are some of my favorite memories with them.

[MamaT]

We have issues like this come up all the time with my two daughters. It seems like there is a gymnastics meet out of town every time my other daughter, who is a dancer, has a performance.

 

They are both committed, have put in so much time, etc. that I do not think it would be fair for them to miss their own "time to shine." So, what we have done numerous times, is to split up. Dh goes with one and I go with the other. Sometimes my 23yo son handles one event. We make sure they get there somehow.

 

I think if your daughter has worked hard and prepared for this competition, it wouldn't be fair to her or her partner for her not to go. Could you split up, your dh handle one and you the other? We have had to do that more times than I can count.

[Danestress]

We frequently have conflicts with tennis tournament for one child and swim meets for the other.

 

I would consider sending your DH with your older daughter - I bet it would be a really special time for her to get to spend that time alone with her father. Then you could take your younger daughter to her dance competition, if she's more invested in having Mommy there than Daddy.

[Haiku]

 

The reason the coaches won't be attending is because it's such a small club, and they didn't feel that it would be appropriate to take club funds to pay for a coach to go.

 

My opinion is that if the coaches won't even put the time and money into going to coach their students, then this is not an activity that my dd would be in. That as well as the poor communication, twice, about dates make it sound like this group is very disorganized. I would just pull her out. I wouldn't invest any more of my time, money, or stress into this. Yes, kids who join competitive teams need to make an effort to be there, but if the coaches don't care to show up and provide parents with accurate information, you can't fault the parents/kids if they don't come.

 

I don't think that this is a breach of trust with your dd. The situation has turned out to be different than what you were originally told it would be. Your older dd is old enough to understand that, even if she's disappointed.

 

That aside, when you have two or more kids in a family, they have to understand they they don't always get both parents to be there. Your 8 year old may be disappointed if you don't come, but she's old enough to understand an handle it. I have a 14 year old, a 7 year old, and a 6 year old, and my kids get it.

 

Anyway, I would inform the synchro coaches, "I'm sorry, but the confusion about dates has made it impossible for us to attend." Put the responsibility on them, where it belongs. Don't spend your money fixing their problem.

 

Tara

Edited April 27, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I was given the wrong date. In fact, I was given two wrong dates this year.

 

Wow. I would have to say that in this case, I'd have to sit down with the coach at the end of the year and let it be known that if I'm forking over the $$$ for my kid to be on a team, I expect the coaches to have their stuff together.

 

I understand that sometimes, a team decides to change original plans and do one competition instead of another. But to be given simply the wrong date...TWICE...that's inexcusable in my opinion.

[teachermom2834]

Ds joined a competitive travel baseball team. Dh agreed to a trip out of state for 5 days in the summer a year in advance. Dh is going to be out of the country for work at this time so I will be on my own, with 4 kids, out of state for 5 days just for some ball games. The expense of this is just sickening to me- especially when we can't even turn it into a family trip.

 

I'm upset about it and I've had it hanging over my head for most of a year. I'm mad at my dh about it. But we're doing it. It's just too late to back out now. It's not fair to the team or other parents that are spending their money. I'm just going to bite the bullet and do it. We just should never have agreed to do it. We did make the mistake of agreeing to do it and now we've got to follow through.

 

I know it's not exactly the same but I can relate. I don't feel good about it. I think of the other things we could do this summer with that $$$$. We made a mistake but we can't leave 9 other families holding the bag. We will hopefully learn from this and plan better and not be so cavalier about making committments in the future.

 

I think dh was just so honored and excited for ds to be given an opportunity on this particular elite team that he just went along with it- not really thinking it through.

 

Good luck. I know it's not the same. I just am dealing with this today as well and I can relate. I consider it a financial mistake we've made. We've made them before and we'll make them again. Hopefully not the same ones over and over!

 

Good luck.

Marie

[bettyandbob]

If she were in a solo event, I'd be inclined to make her withdraw, but she's in a duet. Reworking a routine is not that easy. I think if you can financially swing it, even if it's a lot I'd go, because it's not fair to ruin the event for the partner.

[katilac]

If she were in a solo event, I'd be inclined to make her withdraw, but she's in a duet. Reworking a routine is not that easy. I think if you can financially swing it, even if it's a lot I'd go, because it's not fair to ruin the event for the partner.

 

The problem is that she is in a duet in BOTH competitions, swim and dance. Whatever she does, one of her partners will have to rework a routine.

[SheWillFly]

If that were the case in our family dd would miss the swimming competition.

1. Coach did not provide proper information. You schedule your life around that information. They made an error, not you.

2. $700 for a competition is NOT possible for us.

3. The rest of the family has something as well.

4. Why on earth is the coach not attending? Coach is the leader and should be on hand to umm . . . coach.:confused:

 

I ran and played soccer competitively throughout my childhood. Always there was the option of splitting costs with other teammates as well as the option that if parents could not attend to go with other players or coaches. We traveled up and down the east coast for tournaments and track meets. My mom would have been livid about this scheduling gaff as well as the lack of support and commitment from the coaches.

 

I just can't seem to get over the lack of commitment, organization and support from these coaches.

[HollyDay]

I cant get over the fact that neither coach is going to a meet???? I'm unfamiliar with the swimming world. But, in the dance and gymnastics worlds we are apart of, this would NOT happen. For starters, what about insurance? It is my understanding (again in our sports) that the coach must be present to insure proper safety is followed for insurance reasons. Of course, for the sake of the team as well, having the coaches for safety, encouragement, form, technique, etc, is a requirement.

 

Another thought, their lack of attention to detail (dates and proper chaperones) does not constitute a financial crisis and scheduling emergency on your part.

 

If the swim partner's family is upset about the loss of the partner, would they be willing to help financially?

 

Are there any scheduling safeguards you can put in place for next year? I ask this for myself as well. Multiple children in multiple activities means a scheduling nightmare!

[Haiku]

Multiple children in multiple activities means a scheduling nightmare!

 

This is why my kids each have one season per year to do a sport. One kid gets fall, one gets winter, and one gets spring. No one does anything formal in summer because that's our time to be unscheduled.

 

Two of my kids are young. If, as they get older, they develop a certain sport or talent that requires more than one season of effort a year, I will be willing to re-evaluate so that each child can focus on what they excel at/enjoy most.

 

But I don't see any reason to have multiple kids in multiple activities at the same time. Too much headache for me! We have three kids and two parents; we can't be in three places at once.

 

Tara

[Mom0012]

If that were the case in our family dd would miss the swimming competition.

1. Coach did not provide proper information. You schedule your life around that information. They made an error, not you.

2. $700 for a competition is NOT possible for us.

3. The rest of the family has something as well.

4. Why on earth is the coach not attending? Coach is the leader and should be on hand to umm . . . coach.:confused:

 

 

 

This is how I would feel about it. I would feel bad for the other girl in the duet, but it really is not your fault.

 

Lisa

[ConnieB]

The problem is that she is in a duet in BOTH competitions, swim and dance. Whatever she does, one of her partners will have to rework a routine.

 

I reread the original post and don't see where it says that the dance show is a duet? It sounds like it's only the swimming that a partner is involved?\

 

And while a group dance might involve a slight change in choreography, it's probably the easier one to change up than a duet in swimming; provided of course the dance instructor is told ASAP.

 

I find it rather odd also that the coaches aren't going. I'd definitely have a lot of questions before I put my child into this particular club again next year. Everyone makes mistakes, so if the competition dates was an error, well, it's frustrating but happens. But coaches not going to support the kids is just sad to me. I'd definitely be talking with the parents of the kids who have been in the club for more than just this year to see if the problem is ongoing....or if it's poor coaches this year. Perhaps these coaches are new and not quite up to the challenge themselves?

Edited April 27, 2009 by ConnieB

[Rosy]

I think I would insist that the coaches correct their mistake by escorting your DD on their/club dime, or drop out. Alternatively, they could pay for your expenses. I have low tolerance for people not taking responsibility for their mistakes, esp financial responsibility. They made a mistake that is resulting in a compromised performance for their team. It is in their interest to fix their mistake and not expect you to fix it for them.

 

I would sit down with them (preferably with your DH) and say something to the effect of, "We were given the wrong date for this performance and have made plans that make it impossible for us to attend as a family. We understand your mix up, but we can't spend $700 on attending, and DD is very disappointed to have missed another meet due to poor communication. We would need you to take her or subsidize our trip if she is to attend. If you are unwilling to do this, we will need to find a group whose communication meets our family's needs better. We hope that we are able to work something out so our family can continue to be involved."

[FlockOfSillies]

If you'd known at the beginning of the year that the dates conflicted, then you could have made a decision either way. But the dance group shouldn't be penalized because some other group had the wrong date. The dance group has no control over that. It's a lot of work to completely rework a routine when someone flakes or gets sick. (I took dance classes for three years as a kid.)

 

My vote is to skip the swim meet, especially if it's not in your budget to go, and it's not a priority of the coaches.

[FlockOfSillies]

:iagree: The coaches should eat the cost for this screw-up, if you decide to do the swim meet.

 

I think I would insist that the coaches correct their mistake by escorting your DD on their/club dime, or drop out. Alternatively, they could pay for your expenses. I have low tolerance for people not taking responsibility for their mistakes, esp financial responsibility. They made a mistake that is resulting in a compromised performance for their team. It is in their interest to fix their mistake and not expect you to fix it for them.

 

I would sit down with them (preferably with your DH) and say something to the effect of, "We were given the wrong date for this performance and have made plans that make it impossible for us to attend as a family. We understand your mix up, but we can't spend $700 on attending, and DD is very disappointed to have missed another meet due to poor communication. We would need you to take her or subsidize our trip if she is to attend. If you are unwilling to do this, we will need to find a group whose communication meets our family's needs better. We hope that we are able to work something out so our family can continue to be involved."

[HollyDay]

Tara,

 

I hear what you are saying but the alternating seasons just dont work for so many activities - ballet, and gymnastics included. The skills build upon themselves. Dc cant stop for 3 months then pick it up again for safety. The muscles need to be trained.

[ConnieB]

I think I would insist that the coaches correct their mistake by escorting your DD on their/club dime, or drop out. Alternatively, they could pay for your expenses. I have low tolerance for people not taking responsibility for their mistakes, esp financial responsibility. They made a mistake that is resulting in a compromised performance for their team. It is in their interest to fix their mistake and not expect you to fix it for them.

 

I would sit down with them (preferably with your DH) and say something to the effect of, "We were given the wrong date for this performance and have made plans that make it impossible for us to attend as a family. We understand your mix up, but we can't spend $700 on attending, and DD is very disappointed to have missed another meet due to poor communication. We would need you to take her or subsidize our trip if she is to attend. If you are unwilling to do this, we will need to find a group whose communication meets our family's needs better. We hope that we are able to work something out so our family can continue to be involved."

 

 

With all due respect, I have to completely disagree with this idea. Yep, I'd be flaming mad to have someone else's mistake potentially costing me such a pretty penny, but if the club doesn't have the money to send the coaches than insisting that they pony up the cost for your family to go simply isn't going to happen.....and if by some chance the coaches were intimidated enough to try to make the club pay it, well, that wouldn't bode well for the child as word gets out that the club is now without funds because they paid for one person's trip. And much as I wish that people wouldn't make mistakes that affect me personally, well, it happens....and I've been on both the receiving end of that short stick, but I've also made mistakes (because I'm human) that have ended up costing other people time, money, convenience, whatever. When I know that I've messed up I do try to make amends, but honestly, if this had been my error, well, I'd have apologized up one side and down the other, but there is no way my family could cough up $700 to make it right. And since it wasn't likely that it was done intentionally I wouldn't expect someone to do so. However, if it meant my child couldn't compete I'd also want to be sure that the other families understood that my daughter was not completely to blame....not that I like to spread blame, but I also wouldn't want my daughter's future comfort with these families (in or out of the pool) to be sullied over someone else's error.

 

And while OP was admittedly a newbie to all this process, she should bear a small part of the responsiblity for not getting more details and/or making the right connections/arrangements in advance. It sounds like she assumed that her daughter would be able to simply go along and the coaches would watch her, or that another family would welcome the child into their midst. I wouldn't be comfortable with a family I barely know having responsiblity for my child in the first place, but I certainly wouldn't expect that another family or coach would take on this responsiblity without my having talked to them first and gotten their approval (and gotten to know them better to boot). Perhaps if OP had made tenative arrangements early on, even though the date would have changed, she'd have had a better idea of the costs and if there was another family willing to take on the responsiblity of her child. It sounds like all these families knew ahead of time that they were making it a family vacation, and would have been able to tell OP that she was on her own. Then OP could have either dropped out before it would have mattered to the team or have started saving money. The changed date wouldn't have changed the finances, simply would have changed the ability for mom to still attend the other daughter's dance recital. This is an inconveniene, but doesn't appear it would have added cost to the original swim team trip. Had the swim trip gone on the date originally calendared it still would have cost more than the OP wanted to pay.

 

I'm not always known for my grace....lol...but in this case I certainly would hope that I would cut others some slack for an error even when it made my calendar a serious problem. And I certainly wouldn't want them to pay for it. Or maybe in reality, I wouldn't want to be held to that same standard the next time I make a mistake that affects someone else!

 

As I said, no disrespect for Rosy's opinion.....just something that I vehemently disagree with.