Death and Children

[The Girls' Mom]

Something that was mentioned on the Sonlight thread got me thinking about the issue of death and protecting children from it.

Do you go out of your way to shield your child from dealing with the idea of death? Even as far as avoiding books that mention it, or deal with a character dying? What about in real life? Do you think some parents go too far in trying to protect their kids?


We have never tried to hide things from our kids. Death as always been talked about as a part of life. They've known about it from the beginning, since my mother died less than a year before my oldest was born. We've talked about their grandmother openly. They've had many pets die over the years, and we always were upfront about it. We let them grieve, and feel the pain of loss.

I feel like by being open about it, and about death and heartache in general, they were much more prepared when my step-dad passed away this year. They were very close to him, but handled his death very well. They knew it was coming ahead of time (terminal cancer). They realize that everyone dies.

I'm just curious what others think?

[Pamela H in Texas]

We probably seem to go totally the opposite direction. Death of people is UNnatural and not what God originally intended. And it will be done away with. And almost everyone who has died will have that death undone and have the chance at life. For us, the truth from the scriptures is SO hopeful, that it's discussed very regularly, the same with illness, disability, and the rest of imperfection.

[Sue in WI]

We talk openly about death when the topic comes up. They all attended the funerals of fil and my grandma, as well as several older uncles. When dh's uncle was diagnosed with cancer, we told them as much about it as we felt they would understand. When he finally died, and they attended the funeral, they seemed to handle it ok.

 

When I was growing up, my parents took us to several funerals of older friends and relatives. Death and dying was talked about very openly. I feel that this helped me when both of my grandfathers died. They both died when I was in high school. A few of my friends also had grandparents die around the same time. I was surprised to find out that they had never attended a funeral before.

[Plucky]

We are pretty open about those things. I've experienced a lot of death since my children were born. I am more careful around my anxiety prone kid, but he's getting better at handling some of these subjects.

[Kissy]

I am open with my kids about death. My mother died at 6 yrs old as well as other close relatives and friends throughout my life. I am 26 and the pain is still there from not having her. I don't want my kids to think it doesn't happen and then have it to happen. I don't go out of my way to push the issue my 10 yr old is very sensitive so we don't read lots of books where characters die but he does read some. He cried in Harry Potter series because some of the great characters died. I didn't shield him from it or make light of it we just talked about it. I do talk to him from our christian view as well.

[swellmomma]

I don't but they have been touched first hand by death. First when the children of a friend of mine were killed in a car accident. They had played with those kids several times and were hit hard by the loss. ANd then when my Aunt's boyfriend of 7 years was killed in a car accident. They were hit as hard as the rest of the family with his loss. My most recent m/c still upsets them at times. Add in that all the pets we have had over the years die and well avoiding books that have the topic in an effort to shield them would be pointless at this point.

 

I am open when I answered their questions about it. They all came to realize that one day I would die and that one day they would die. Those questions/realizations were hard to deal with, and they shed a lot of tears over worry. I pretty much said it is up to God when we would join him, but we can certainly pray that it will not be until we are very very very old and ready to ask to go with Him. That took away most of their fears that everytime we got into a car we were going to die.

 

 

ETA: I think books are a nice way to have the subject of death come up in conversation before they have to be really faced with the reality of the loss of a loved one.

Edited March 7, 2009 by swellmomma

[Once]

I just sent out my three year old son to play in the snow. He mainly sat and watched a dead bird that we have not cleaned up because it is in a difficult place to get to. (The snow is very high and we would have to climb a fence to land in a three foot snow drift then climb over back from the ground.) So I do not protect my kids from it, although I will go out and pick up the bird now that I know he has seen it. Just to teach him cleanliness, not to show him fear of death.

 

I have not gone out of my way to discuss the recent passing of my grandfather only because my kids did not know him (met him once three years ago). But when the kids ask about the family tree they get honest answers about who is alive and who is not. I find them as curious as can be when we get into these discussions.

 

We have not gone to the extent of explaining the eternal destination's of people's souls' as we have a mixed family as far as faith beliefs. I believe that requires a more mature thought process but when it comes time we will go there.

 

I find it sad to hear that parents are not reading certain books because there is death involved. What better place is there to deal with these bigger subjects than in a book. But we all miss great opportunities to be great parents because we are human, hurting or distracted. I am hoping those children are resiliant enough to face it when they are older.

 

In fact, I am just remembering how my family sheltered me from the death of my grandmother when I was five. Even as an adult her name brought me to tears and I had to go to her grave, across the country, when I was thirty, to find peace about it. Once I did, death did not have that same fearsome quality. I have no doubt in my mind that my family chose to shelter me out of love. Even if it was to make the loss easier for them, so they could be there for me the weeks and months that followed her passing. Life is complicated.

[unsinkable]

Something that was mentioned on the Sonlight thread got me thinking about the issue of death and protecting children from it.

 

Do you go out of your way to shield your child from dealing with the idea of death? Even as far as avoiding books that mention it, or deal with a character dying? What about in real life? Do you think some parents go too far in trying to protect their kids?

 

I've seen both sides I guess. We have a relative that shields her children from EVERYTHING slightly troubling. As a result the kids are very insecure because they generally don't know what's going on around them...even when their parents are visibly upset. The mom was raised the same way, and as an adult has a VERY hard time dealing with the realities of life. The kids are going to turn out the same.

We have never tried to hide things from our kids. Death as always been talked about as a part of life. They've known about it from the beginning, since my mother died less than a year before my oldest was born. We've talked about their grandmother openly. They've had many pets die over the years, and we always were upfront about it. We let them grieve, and feel the pain of loss.

 

I feel like by being open about it, and about death and heartache in general, they were much more prepared when my step-dad passed away this year. They were very close to him, but handled his death very well. They knew it was coming ahead of time (terminal cancer). They realize that everyone dies.

 

I'm just curious what others think?

 

Give the kids a chance. Don't believe that every kid turns out just like her parents.

[kalanamak]

Ahh, death, one of my favourite topics! I even have a quote up in my bathroom. It is Greek, of course:

 

"Death is nothing to us, for when we are, it has not come; and when it has come, we are not."

 

I have discussed death with kiddo as a normal part of life. I view it like adoption: if you simply use the words and it comes up in conversation when appropriate, a baby grows up without it being anything hurtful or scary. It is how my parents raised me, and I watched them go to their deaths with calm dignity, and I returned to work immediately, not distraught, and speak of them with pleasure, not the holding-back-the-tears I so often see from my co-workers.

 

I don't know whether this calm attitude is nature or nurture, but I'm nurturing it nonetheless. Since it is my profession to stand with dying people and try to ameliorate death as much as possible, perhaps I also have some what I call "the hospice effect": sudden death or family-helpless death is much harder on those left behind. If a family can feed, bathe, comfort the dying member, they recover better. E.g my brother is dying. The middle of the night phone calls from his wife on the mechanics of keeping him comfortable make me, on some level, feel I'm "helping". That is enough for me with something that is, really, inevitable.

 

As a non-believer, I am perplexed by people who believe is a lovely afterlife who are still so undone by fears of death, but perhaps it is a self-selecting group: people who have a biological tendency to strong fears of death are simply more inclined believe in a lovely afterlife to help them get through the day. I have more insight into how a person who has had a horrible life with their mother or father could be so distressed by their death: there will never be another chance to have their relationship normalize. I let kiddo know about the above musings, too, when he asks my opinion, which he does every few months, usually cuddled in bed...safe and warm.

[wide eyes & laughter]

as, obviously, it does occur. In our family, my dc learned with the loss of their baby sister.

 

In the midst of my overwhelming grief, I realized that my general view of death had been wrong. Growing up, my folks taught that death is part of life. It really isn't. Through the death of my baby I experienced more than grief - there were SHOCK waves that racked against my core.... Until a dear friend shared what I instinctively knew at that point: Death is not natural. Death entered the world as a result of The Fall... sin. I had read my Bible for years, but this stark reality never penetrated as it did with this deep loss.

 

Through our loss - especially my dc - have had deeper opportunity to connect with Heaven. They know death is not a part of the life cycle. I will not say to them "it is part of life". Instead, I explain it is horrendous and UNnatural... think of what Eternal Death looks like vs. Eternal Life.

 

In short, I think it is good to protect our children from some things - but not the inevitable. They need perspective, truth. NO ONE makes it through this life unscathed by death and losses and grief.

 

God give us grace to teach them how to rightly handle these experiences - to strenghthen them in compassion and in truth... Amen.

[joannqn]

I don't shelter my kids from death, or many other things parents often shelter kids from.

 

They've had to deal with 3 of my 4 miscarriages. The last one was 14 weeks and they asked to see their brother. We let them. My father had kidney cancer last year and were aware that he could die from it. My grandmother just has surgery for cancer and they are aware that she could die from both the surgery and/or the cancer. We've also lost two dogs in their lifetime.

[Chris in VA]

I guess it fits into that ages old argument about either sheltering or equipping your kids.

I do shelter from violent death images and stories, esp real ones like the news. I equip dd to handle the "little deaths" in her life. I do think death is part of life, but I agree it is not how God intended our lives to be.

We have hope for the future while we deal with the realities of the present.

[Anna]

Do you go out of your way to shield your child from dealing with the idea of death? ...Do you think some parents go too far in trying to protect their kids?

 

Speaking from a Christian perspective---

 

We've always been open with our kids about death, probably since they were toddlers. We've taught them that everyone dies.... that it's sad when loved ones die because we miss them... but that death is as natural as a child being born. My dh and I both attended wakes and funerals when we were growing up so it taught us that death was not to be feared. Through the years we've brought our kids to wakes and funerals. When my mom died at home, we were all around her bed and watched her breathe her last breath. My kids wanted to be with their grandma until the end. They're both in college now and have no fear of death.

 

I would never want to teach kids that death is horrible, scary and unnatural. Why would a parent teach that? So their children will be afraid of death? My kids have lost grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends. Sure it was a sad time for them with each death but it IS natural to be sad when you lose a loved one. Grief is a natural process we all experience in life.

 

On the other hand, most of the friends I've known who grew up shielded from death, became adults who were still afraid of it. That's rather sad because none of us can go through life avoiding the loss of a loved one.

Edited March 7, 2009 by Anna

[Rhonda in TX]

My mother passed away 4 years ago, when my kids were 5 and 7 years old. I felt they were too young to go to the funeral. However, we talked about it. They saw (still see) me grieve. They cried and still talk about her. Now, at 11 and 12, I would take them to a funeral.

 

Otherwise, it's an open topic.

[LibraryLover]

My children have lost a dear grandfather, their great-grandmother, a great aunt, a beloved uncle, and we raise chickens. We've also lost pets, recently a cat.

 

Death is real and we talk about it as it comes up for us. My 16 yr old just read of Mice & Men , and my youngest, Ella Enchanted & The Tale of Desperaux.

 

How does one honestly shield children from death?

[elegantlion]

We discuss it with ds. By the time I was his age I had dealt with numerous deaths in my family, so it is an open topic in our house.

 

There have a couple of recent deaths of people he did not know that I'm still working through the grief. These were relatives of acquaintances so we didn't know the people, but my heart hurts for these people. We chose not to share the knowledge with our son. One of them especially I think would trouble him. I see that more as discernment than hiding.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Our neighbors were shocked when they found out from my children that we all had just come back from a funeral. They did not think we should have taken them. But we have a lot of elderly relatives and we minister at an assisted living home. My dh does a lot of funerals. My kids don't seem to mind the usual memorial service.

 

But a few months ago we did go to a funeral with an open casket. The minister (not my dh) asked us to go up and "say good-bye" to the deceased. My ds11 looked at me in horror and said (a bit loudly) "But that (the body) is just a shell!" I agreed with him. And I told the usher quietly that we would sit respectfully in the pew for that portion of the service.

 

I am the one that needs sheltering from death in books! I always cry. Sometimes my dc cry - more from sympathy with me, I think.

 

Two of my dear friends at our assisted living ministry died last week. My children have seen me shed tears at odd moments. My friends were believers in the Lord Jesus Christ and I have no angst over their eternal state - I just miss them.

[Catherine]

Her older brother, acquaintance of my older son, also died. I was not a close friend of the family, but of course felt deeply for them.

 

My boys both chose to attend the memorial service, closed casket, with me. It was incredibly moving and sad as you might imagine. Their father was badly injured in the fire and was still in the hospital, fighting for his life. The entire experience and the emotional aftermath was an ongoing opportunity to talk about dying but it also gave me a chance to think more deeply about how a family can possibly cope with a loss like this.

 

I'm always struck by how much pain and tragedy can lead to growth. We talked about how we the living have to keep going, despite our pain, and to do so is to honor their lives. The 9\11 attacks had me thinking the same way-our biggest strength, our defiance, not only against terrorists but against death itself, is to keep living as if every moment matters.

 

I believe that sheltering a child from death, even if that were possible, would be counterproductive. By the same token, I think it's very important to recognize how much they can handle at any given age and proceed with appropriate caution.

[Catherine]

Her older brother, acquaintance of my older son, also died. I was not a close friend of the family, but of course felt deeply for them.

 

My boys both chose to attend the memorial service, closed casket, with me. It was incredibly moving and sad as you might imagine. Their father was badly injured in the fire and was still in the hospital, fighting for his life. The entire experience and the emotional aftermath was an ongoing opportunity to talk about dying but it also gave me a chance to think more deeply about how a family can possibly cope with a loss like this.

 

I'm always struck by how much pain and tragedy can lead to growth. We talked about how we the living have to keep going, despite our pain, and to do so is to honor their lives. The 9\11 attacks had me thinking the same way-our biggest strength, our defiance, not only against terrorists but against death itself, is to keep living as if every moment matters.

 

I believe that sheltering a child from death, even if that were possible, would be counterproductive. By the same token, I think it's very important to recognize how much they can handle at any given age and proceed with appropriate caution.

[The Girls' Mom]

Give the kids a chance. Don't believe that every kid turns out just like her parents.

 

I'm not making broad assumptions...her not allowing them to deal with anything remotely less than unhappy has already deeply affected her children. And if things continue, without something major to intervene, they will have the same problems coping that she does. And her brother. And her sister.

 

I don't think that people should expose their children to violence, or extreme tragedy. But I don't think they should be entirely sheltered from having to cope with grief and disappoinment. Death especially. It is something we ALL have to face, and we will ALL lose people dear to us. I think if it's handled as such, then it's much easier for children to cope. IMO. :)

[buddhabelly]

Death is not natural. Death entered the world as a result of The Fall... sin. I had read my Bible for years, but this stark reality never penetrated as it did with this deep loss.

 

Through our loss - especially my dc - have had deeper opportunity to connect with Heaven. They know death is not a part of the life cycle.

 

Since we are all talking about physical death in this thread and not spiritual death, and I don't understand your statement "death is not a part of the life cycle." I know you teach your children that plants grow, and die, and are broken down by fungi and worms and such, and then give rise to more life. Animals (salmon, bears, frogs) also have a similar cycle. So are you saying that human beings somehow don't?

 

I am truly confused. If there were no (physical) death, there would be no babies born. Because it would get awfully crowded.

 

I am not mocking you, just truly wondering. My belief system teaches that death is a different kind of existence --- kind of a joining together with the Absolute for a while. Not sad, not particularly painful, not really subject to our idea of "time."

 

Julie

Edited March 8, 2009 by buddhabelly

[LNC]

When a loved one is dying children need to know what is happening and be prepared by their parents. Even when the process is long. Many of us have dealt with that.

 

It's hard though - in children's lit the subject can be handled so lovingly. Then some books are just downers. Ie in a Betsy Tacy book, Tacey's little sister died. The author implies that Tacy is very sad, and the scene where Betsy comforts her is my favorite passage of any children's book ever. It is just beautiful. Just my random thoughts. Protect and prepare.

[wide eyes & laughter]

Since we are all talking about physical death in this thread and not spiritual death, and I don't understand your statement "death is not a part of the life cycle." I know you teach your children that plants grow, and die, and are broken down by fungi and worms and such, and then give rise to more life. Animals (salmon, bears, frogs) also have a similar cycle. So are you saying that human beings somehow don't?

 

I am truly confused. If there were no (physical) death, there would be no babies born. Because it would get awfully crowded.

 

I am not mocking you, just truly wondering. My belief system teaches that death is a different kind of existence --- kind of a joining together with the Absolute for a while. Not sad, not particularly painful, not really subject to our idea of "time."

 

Julie

 

...I didn't word it very well!

 

Here's what I believe: Yes, of course we all experience death - daily and in many forms, as you pointed out. Death entered with the sin of Adam and Eve. This was death's point of entry. Prior to this, life was pristine & beautiful - no sin and no death of any sort. God's intent was life everlasting here on Earth. I believe this can be understood through the warning to Adam & Eve, "For in the day you eat of it, you will surely die". The implication from this warning is that Death was a consequence of a specific act (eating of the forbidden fruit) and became the current state of things as we know them today (you're born, you die).

 

My understanding of the afterlife, as far as Heaven is concerned, is it is marked by a union with God that is untroubled and, therefore, unmolested by the presence of sin. The result is Everlasting Life wherein the tears are wiped from our eyes because all of the causes of pain are banished.

 

So, my reading of the first few chapters of Genesis is that God creates man as steward of His creation and for the sake of communion with Him. As far as your comment re: physical death being necessary to make room for babies, I understand that the Bible only said "Multiply and fill the earth" not "Mulitply endlessly and overrun it".

 

I hope I answered your inquiries; my concern was to not become preachy in the process of doing so. Hopefully I showed you the same respect you showed me, Julie. Thank you.

 

Cheryl

[OnTheBrink]

My daughter feels things very intensely; the death of anything (except bugs) or anyone hurts her very deeply. So, while I don't hide death from her, I don't put her in situations where she has to deal with it if she doesn't have to.

 

If someone we know dies, she is told about it and we discuss it in accordance to our spiritual beliefs. She has the choice to attend the service or not. Sometimes she does; other times she declines. In the past year, we've lost 3 people and one dog to death, so she knows what it is.

 

As far as books or movies go, most of the time, we avoid them. No need to upset her needlessly. No one will be refused college entrance if they haven't read Black Beauty or Where the Red Fern Grows. However, there have been times on tv, especially in documentaries or reality shows on TLC or Discovery, when someone passes away. She always cries over it, even if she never knew the person. I use it as teaching moment (for example, on some show about a man who was 1,000 lbs and died, I used his obesity and death to discuss why it's so important to eat well and exercise).

 

I think keeping death from a child is wrong, but I see no value in rubbing their face in it, either. I guess it comes down to knowing your child and what he/she can handle and gently dealing with it as it comes up.

[lionfamily1999]

I've gotton flack for my dcs attending funerals. They were not loud of obnoxious, but people were very aware of their ages. While I don't plan to put any mummies in the living room, I don't think that hiding death, or how we deal with death, is going to help them. I don't make them say goodbye or kiss corpses, but those we've lost deserved their presence and respect and they deserved the right to see that death is not scary and to to assure themselves that that person is not coming back.

 

I think the most painful part of death is the lingering hope that it was all a mistake.

[Aubrey]

I think there's a natural progression of learning about these things. We did shield our dc from most unnecessary or inappropriate talk of death w/ regard to books & movies. However, when it came up in life, that was natural, kwim? And now that they've had some experience w/ that & are older, we mete such topics out as they can handle it. As we *think* they can handle it.

 

We read Anne of Green Gables a couple of mos ago. I told ds8, who's *very* sensitive straight up what was going to happen. I told him *I* was going to cry, but that it was a good book. We handled that part like a bandaid. We read until ds begged me to stop, we sat on the sofa & cried together, & then we read on, so we could move past the sadness. We also talked about it. A lot.

 

Senseless, overly descriptive, etc.--I'm not sure there's *ever* a "natural" time for that, but...I want to save it long enough that it always horrifies, kwim? I guess I see the point of keeping them innocent as being keeping their feelings turned on--not numbed from overexposure.

 

That's my 2c.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I think it is valuable to them to have the emotional and mental tools necessary to handle things that come up in their lives. I try to use events as teachable moments to help them. I was never given those tools or let into my parents' private mental/emotional worlds, so I never had instruction nor models for how to handle it when things go wrong or when difficult things happen.

 

I posted several weeks ago about our dear neighbor who died. We went to the celebration of her life but did not attend the funeral two days later. I felt it was very important to come together in community with others who loved her but not to let the event overtake our lives for a solid week, if that makes sense. I also did not want them to have any memories of her that would mar the ones that mattered- the ones they have of her as she was in life. We have visited with her husband and grown children since she died, and we have also visited with another dear friend of hers who lives in our neighborhood- someone we didn't know before. We all really loved her and we miss her so much. Every time I look out my front windows I am reminded of her, as I am sure my children are.

 

I try to teach them that people respond differently to grief, and that they will feel many emotions about it over time, and that that is all normal. I teach them that they can talk about it or write or draw or sit or run or distract themselves in any way they feel helps. I teach them that our time is limited and that it is really important to love each other while we can. I also teach them that we can carry the people we love in our hearts and call them to mind whenever we please, even after they are gone.

[unsinkable]

I'm not making broad assumptions...her not allowing them to deal with anything remotely less than unhappy has already deeply affected her children. And if things continue, without something major to intervene, they will have the same problems coping that she does. And her brother. And her sister.

 

I don't think that people should expose their children to violence, or extreme tragedy. But I don't think they should be entirely sheltered from having to cope with grief and disappoinment. Death especially. It is something we ALL have to face, and we will ALL lose people dear to us. I think if it's handled as such, then it's much easier for children to cope. IMO. :)

 

I am not defending your relative's choices about sheltering her children. Not at all. I am trying to encourage you not to think that children always turn out like their parents. If that was true, my brother and I would be violent drunks. And we're not. I'm sure people thought we'd be just like them but as we grew we decided we'd take a completely different path.

[MamaT]

My two older boys were in the room when my grandmother died (not intended, just happened) - they were 3 and 5. My sil came to stay with me to help take care of things during this time. Two weeks later this sil drowned. There was no way to shield my boys from death at this point. It is amazing the way they handled it. When my grandmother died, quote from my then 3yo, "It's okay. Little Granny isn't old anymore." My then 5yo decided that Aunt C went to heaven to take care of Little Granny, since she was always taking care of people.

 

They also went through 3 miscarriages with me. Each time, they would tell me that Aunt C has our baby in heaven.

 

Now that my second son is on his way to Afghanistan - and we are studying the 20th century (too many wars), I have tried to be careful of the fiction they are reading in order not to place too much fear in them for their brother. There is no way to shield them completely, though. Life is full of wonderful things - and terrible things.

[The Girls' Mom]

I am not defending your relative's choices about sheltering her children. Not at all. I am trying to encourage you not to think that children always turn out like their parents. If that was true, my brother and I would be violent drunks. And we're not. I'm sure people thought we'd be just like them but as we grew we decided we'd take a completely different path.

 

 

Oh, I know that a well as anyone. One look at where I came from, and where I am at can tell you that. What I see is the damage ALREADY done to these kids. I HOPE they don't turn out the same, I really do. But the pattern is there.

[elise1mds]

I haven't read all the posts here, but I know we talk about death quite a bit. It's not that I attempt to bring it up, but it happens. When my son was about 2 1/2 and I was pregnant with my daughter, we both watched one of my cats get hit by a car while it was trying to get back home from where it had run across the street. That was the first death talk. When my daughter was 2, we had a huge fish tank set up when an ice storm hit, and we were without power for a week. Obviously all the fish passed away, as did our hamster a few months later, so I had to explain death to my daughter. If they bring it up, we'll talk about it then, too. I've also had to explain that people die, too, even though they haven't had to experience that yet. I have lots of older relatives that my children have met (3 of my 4 grandparents are still alive), and my husband's stepfather - the kids' Papa - is morbidly obese and disabled with all the accompanying health problems and could go at any time. There really aren't topics that are off-limits around here. It just depends on the amount of information I think they can handle given their age and mental state at the time.

[Kari C in SC]

My two older kids have had two deaths to deal with irl. When my 20 year old ds was 9 years old, my dad passed away. He was in ICU for a day and it was all pretty ugly. The doctor did not want me to go in because I was pregnant and had miscarried earlier. He was afraid the stress would be too much for me. My very strong 9 year old boy went in to talk to his grandpa before he passed away. I hadn't prepared him for it at all. My dad had been sick, but we didn't know he was going to die so suddenly. I was a wreck for weeks/months afterwards. I didn't hide much from my ds. About 5 years later, my sister-in-law was brutally murdered. It was the most shocking and devastating thing my family has ever gone through. My ds was 14 and my dd was 5. They both knew she had died and we attended a memorial for her. This was and is a part of our everyday life. It took me several years before I could think about it and not cry. It has been 5 years and I still have days where I talk about my sister-in-law and cry. We told my ds the horrific details of her death, but I just couldn't share them with my 5 year old dd. She asked many times and I just didn't want her to know. As fate would have it she did find out. My 5 year old niece had witnessed her mother's death. My dd and her are/were close. When my niece came to visit, she confided many of her thoughts with my dd. At 5 years old, my dd learned how to be a good listener and help her cousin begin to heal. So, as much as I would have preferred to shield my kids from death - life did not hand us that. They are actually much stronger than I ever could have imagined. Even stronger than me in many ways.

[Harriet Vane]

We live by Jesus' words: "The truth will set you free." (John 8:32) In that passage he is specifically talking about the truth of God, but I believe this phrase is applicable to life. The truth, no matter how ugly, sets us free.

 

We speak the truth to our children, but we temper the truth with love and with gentleness.

 

At times I have told my kids that I would prefer to talk about certain things when they are older. However, I almost always tell them the truth of a situation, with love and with gentleness.

 

So, for death specifically--YES, I tell them the truth. Their aunt and the mother of their dearest friends/cousins is dying of a brain tumor. We discuss it as often as they need. They know that it makes me sad, and they are prepared for the awful day when their cousins lose their mother and will NEED the love of their family to hold them up. I don't tell gory details, but we do discuss the truth and how it makes us feel and how best to respond.