Chris in CA Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I haven't been around for awhile and hate that my first post back is so vague, but I just don't know how much to tell, etc. Suffice it to say that our marriage took a blow this weekend and I'm reeling. I feel trapped, sick, and done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 You look very hard until you find it again. From personal experience I'm not sure what happens if you don't find it because each time I've been there, I've either found it or faked it until I forgot I hadn't found it. :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 (edited) You look very hard until you find it again. Pretty much, yeah. It won't happen quickly, and there has to be some dedication of assurance that such a situation is being removed from the possibility of temptation, and perhaps certain circumstances can never happen again, but yes, pretty much that. Not my situation, but for example, if a DH had an affair with a coworker, he should look for another job, period, paragraph, the end. Pornography or prostitution have their own consequences. (No computer usage, 100% accounting for every penny spent.) These aren't punishments but the necessary steps--sacrifices--to repair a broken trust. And he'd BETTER be the one suggesting that he makes these sacrifices, or else he isn't repentant in the least. And there can't be trust without repentance. Some people still make something that looks like a marriage continue, but it ain't trust, and it ain't what marriage is supposed to be. :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I hope it can be repaired--and I hope someone steps up and is the man he's supposed to be. Edited February 22, 2009 by Reya Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 The one at fault must show genuine repentance. They must be willing to be a completely open book about where they are/what they are doing at all times. There must be a lot of time of repentance, then, eventually, the one wronged must offer forgiveness. This means, that the one wronged cannot refer back to the incident and keep the one at fault beaten down about it. But finally, after a couple of years, with repentance and gracious forgiveness, trust can be restored. Love can be restored. And once restored, it is worth it. If the path is chosen to stay together, the couple can be stronger and better than previously. But it's hard. Very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 You look very hard until you find it again. From personal experience I'm not sure what happens if you don't find it because each time I've been there, I've either found it or faked it until I forgot I hadn't found it. Absolutely! It will definitely be easier to do if both partners are willing to do WHATEVER it takes, similar to Reya's suggestions for the offender. But it IS possible even without that, assuming the partner isn't still engaged in the behavior. But what a loving act if he will follow through like that. But it doesn't mean he's still engaged in the behavior if he doesn't (I'm thinking of my situation. My hubby, for all 16 yrs, has continued doing the one thing that makes me insecure. I wish he didn't, but we still have been able to work around that). And don't think it will be a very short thing and you'll be surprised when it jumps up in your face sometimes, but in time it can work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I think you have to look really hard at what is a "trust-breaker" to you. I know someone who divorced when her husband resumed smoking. Other people have put up with frank physical violence. I would go to someone outside your family, someone you know to be a wise, blunt person, and tell them all the details. An experienced family counselor whose seen just who can get over what. :grouphug: Try to keep up with some food and sleep. Those are the first to leave me when my heart is broken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 You look very hard until you find it again. From personal experience I'm not sure what happens if you don't find it because each time I've been there, I've either found it or faked it until I forgot I hadn't found it. :grouphug: Rosie :iagree: You have to make a very personal decision on what you want and then go forward. If you want to forgive him, you can find the strength to do it. It is not easy, but it can be done and your marriage can be even better in the end. Good luck! Prayers for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Whatever it was that resulted in the trust broken must be removed immediately at whatever cost and extreme accountability must be put into place. You need to be free to check up on him in whatever area that is. If this extreme openness and accountability is put into place and followed up on, trust can be restored but it will take a few years. The example of an affair is the easiest one to give. All contact from the other must be removed regardless of what that entails...new job, moving, new phone numbers, etc. Then he'd have to provide you with a detailed agenda every day that you are free to check up on even if that means calling the place to see if he is there. Notice I said calling the place not calling him. It's too easy to call the cell and have him say he's at such and such place even if he isn't. If he's suppose to be at Starbucks on 72nd, you call the Starbucks on 72nd to verify. He cannot make you feel bad for checking up on him either because he brought it on himself. After a long time (years), trust will be restored so long as he has remained trustworthy during that time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda in NE Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 (edited) At least, that's been my experience. Perhaps a better way to say it is there are different degrees. Many men lust in their hearts after other women, whether those women are people they know or just pictures in a magazine, on television, or their computer -- and I'm not really talking about porn here, so much as just feeling arousal or sexual interest when these stimuli are present without actively seeking out either the particular stimuli or the feeling itself. To me, this is male behavior. Man's best friend sits up and takes notice whether he's actively seeking it or not, if you know what I mean. Although my feelings would be hurt by this if my husband told me about it when it happened, I wouldn't really see this as a trust breaker -- more of a "And you think I need to know this, why?" sort of thing. BUT, if my dh pointed it out to me all the time, I would see his constant need to tell me about it as intentionally hurtful, and that would cause me to rethink his care for me and commitment to me. The other extreme on my continuum of infidelity is a sexual affair. Hooking up with another woman, even short of sexual intercourse, is a trust breaker in my experience. I will not violate board rules and go into it here, but I can say that, even with forgiveness and reconciliation, the marriage cannot always return to what it was or could have been. I will be happy to discuss my experiences with you if you want to contact me privately. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can say that the pain will lessen with time. Don't do or say anything drastic in the short term. When the immediate emotional impact subsides a bit, you may see things differently. Edited February 22, 2009 by Linda in NE corrected grammatical error Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 You have gotten great responses here. Follow everyone's suggestions. Give yourself time. Be careful who you confide in. Years from now this could become just a story you tell to people who need to hear it. There can be a day that you can talk about this and that sinking feeling in your gut will no longer be there. Does he want to heal the marriage? Is he committed to working through this, knowing that he will be doing the majority of the work? That will matter a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Really, for me, it depends on what kind of trust was broken. Certain things, for me, warrant divorce (infidelity being a big one...there are so many other alternatives). Other things may be forgiven in time, but only if both people work HARD at it. Before my dh and I were married, we had one of these situations. He had lied to me about some pretty important stuff and it took me a long time to forgive and a lot to make things right...but we did it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confuzzled Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Be careful who you confide in. From experience, I can tell you that this is really important. My mother still hasn't forgiven my husband for issues that I have long since moved past. I deeply regret sharing so much with her. You've gotten some very good advice here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 :grouphug: I have no personal experience to draw from about the subject as it stands. But I will second or third two things: Be careful who you talk to. A third party that has no vested interest in the outcome would be a good place. Give yourself time to sort through everything. Let your dh know that you are thinking and when you are ready you will come to him with questions that must be answered honestly. Let him know that the answers to some questions may immediately cause you to require another thinking period. Take your time to sort through everything before deciding anything final. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 If it's been good, and this is an aberration, I think it's easier to make it through. A good friend went through her husband's affair and they made it through to the other side. It was hard, but they had a "good" foundation (well, obviously there were problems, but you probably know what I mean). If, however, it's the final blow in a rocky relationship, it would be harder to recover from that. You have to care enough to do the work it will require. If you are already close to not caring, it would be very hard to get past a major betrayal (of whatever kind, not necessarily an affair). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Whatever it was that resulted in the trust broken must be removed immediately at whatever cost and extreme accountability must be put into place. You need to be free to check up on him in whatever area that is. If this extreme openness and accountability is put into place and followed up on, trust can be restored but it will take a few years. And this *restores* trust? I'd have thought it'd destroy any trust a chap had for a woman, let alone affection. Rosie- glad she's never had to go that far... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 And this *restores* trust? I'd have thought it'd destroy any trust a chap had for a woman, let alone affection. Rosie- glad she's never had to go that far... Well, I think the issue would be for me that my trust needs to be restored (if the guy is the one in hot water) - not his in me. And yes, if that is what it takes and a man wants his marriage to continue and some day be good again, he should do all those things IMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamagina7 Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 My Dear Friend, even though I do not know you on a personal,face to face basis, I am lifting you and your situation up to Jesus. He is the healer and can help us through the day...even if it is minute by minute. I am so very sorry to hear that you are walking through such darkness right now. The Spirit of God will not leave you...lean on those who are closest to you right now and listen to them. No one can touch the inside of your heart like the Lord-this doesn't make the nightmare go away, but it will pass. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in CA Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 (edited) for your kind words, wisdom and prayers. Dh did something that really harmed our marriage - not physical cheating, but bad enough to me to think about leaving. I'm going to stay. But right now I'm planning for my future in case it doesn't involve dh, and if it does, then we will both benefit. That way if he betrays the marriage again - I'm not trapped. This is just continuing what we were planning as a family, but will help me out if I need it. I can't be the woman who follows up on her husband - I won't do it - It will literally drive me crazy I won't stick my head in the sand either I found out about this my mere mistake - I think God revealed it - I'll have to trust my own common sense and His guidance And as I'd love to believe my dh as the saying goes fool my once ... shame on you fool me twice .... shame on me . Edited February 23, 2009 by Chris in CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cathy in SoCal Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 praying for you all day and will continue to as the Lord brings you to mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well, I think the issue would be for me that my trust needs to be restored (if the guy is the one in hot water) - not his in me. And yes, if that is what it takes and a man wants his marriage to continue and some day be good again, he should do all those things IMHO. Like I said, I've never been there, but I'd have thought you'd need to leave a guy with some remnants of pride even if he's been an uber beast. If you (not you in particular of course!) continue to treat him like an uber beast then why would he want to continue the marriage? Who'd want to come home to someone who wants more accountability of how he's spent his time than his mother ever did? Anyway, I hereby send out vibes to the entire cosmos that our husbands will be charming enough (from now on if they weren't before) that we won't have to try any of this. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joan in GE Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 another person, this link may help on wikihow http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I found out about this my mere mistake - I think God revealed it - I'll have to trust my own common sense and His guidance. I hope to encourage you with this testimony - a generation before me, someone in my family (as a young married woman) had the Lord speak to her as she was brushing her hair before the mirror, that her husband was having an affair. Prior to this, she had no clue. God knew, though, and He alone revealed it to her. The thing I'd like to reiterate for you is something you've already begun to suspect -God, the Creator of the ends of this earth, cares enough about you to show you the things you need to know to be healthy and whole. I do not believe it was any mistake by which you found out what you did. My friend, God will most certainly continue to guide you and direct you, counsel you and watch over you, instruct you and show you the way that you are to go. There is a verse in I Peter that I stand on when praying over suffering marriages. I trust it will give you hope for today: "After you have suffered a little while, I will restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. I will make you what you ought to be." Chris, as the Lord brings your situation to my mind, it is upon this verse and others that I will be standing on your behalf! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gratefulmother Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I don't know you, Chris, but I will pray for you and your family. I have just been walking this road with a dear friend, who actually was the offender in her marriage. Good things have already been said, so the only thing I will add is that a lot of churches offer free counseling, either from a staff member, or they have funds allotted to pay for church members to receive counseling somewhere else. Worth checking into if you wanted to go that route. It can be soooo life-changing for yourself and your family, so it would be a shame for finances to stand in the way. Just a thought! Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Like I said, I've never been there, but I'd have thought you'd need to leave a guy with some remnants of pride even if he's been an uber beast. If you (not you in particular of course!) continue to treat him like an uber beast then why would he want to continue the marriage? Who'd want to come home to someone who wants more accountability of how he's spent his time than his mother ever did?Anyway, I hereby send out vibes to the entire cosmos that our husbands will be charming enough (from now on if they weren't before) that we won't have to try any of this. Rosie I think it depends on the man and his commitment to making things right again and, to some degree, his personality. It kind of goes like this: he broke the trust, so he has to rebuild that trust by proving that he is now telling the whole truth and no longer lying. Part of that is being completely accountable for where he is and what he is doing. If he is completely committed to doing the right thing and rebuilding trust, then he will do whatever you need him to do for your peace of mind. If he is not, then, yea, he'll get resentful and possibly turn it back on you somehow. I know some people who've went through that and the marriage eventually ended. I know others, myself included, whose spouse is totally determined to make things better and will do anything to make it happen. I found out about 16 months ago and he still continues to be accountable and open with me with no resentment or argument because, as he has said, he did it and now he has to do whatever I need him to do to let me trust him again. He knows and willing accepts that it will take time before we reach that point again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I don't have anything to say that has not been said already. I wish you all the best and you'll be in my prayers. I'm sorry this has happened to you and your relationship with your husband. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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